Sons of the Sea Dad's Army


Sons of the Sea

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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game

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# We are the boys who will make you think again

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# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

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# But he comes home each evening

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# And he's ready with his gun

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# So who do you think

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# You are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done? #

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You've been left holding the baby.

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Yes, I have. Do you mind if

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-I set this Lewis gun up while we talk?

-Not at all.

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It's my first job every morning. In case of a sudden attack.

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Quite... Now, the late Mr Johnson...

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-As you know...

-Excuse me a moment.

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-PIKE!

-Sir?

-Tell Carter Patterson

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to move their van. It's blocking our line of fire.

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Sorry about that, Mr, er...

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The late Mr Johnson had no relatives...

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Ah, this is my Chief Clerk. He's dealing with Mr Johnson's affairs.

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When Mr Johnson died,

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his only possessions were the clothes he stood up in

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and his boat, the Naughty Jane.

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It has to be sold, but not many people want a boat in war-time.

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There's another problem.

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Unfortunately, his account was overdrawn. Here it is, sir.

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£33.12/6d.

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Ah... Hmm... In that case, the boat becomes the property of the bank

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and can be sold to offset this overdraft.

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Perhaps we could put an advertisement in the local paper.

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Yes, do that, Wilson.

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I'll leave you my account, in case you do manage to sell the boat,

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and there's any money left over.

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-Oh...! Goodbye.

-Goodbye.

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-I'll see you out.

-Good day to you.

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Here are the particulars of the rowing boat.

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15 feet long, four oars, seaworthy condition.

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You can't go rowing about in the sea in war-time!

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No, it's on the river. Anybody can go and look at it, if they want to.

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Now, I think we... Wait a minute!

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-I've had an idea!

-Be careful, sir! Please, be careful.

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River patrols! That's it, Wilson!

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Half a dozen determined armed men in a boat

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could play havoc with the Nazis if they got a foothold!

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Swift, silent patrols, hitting the enemy where it hurts most!

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Then disappearing into the night, silently cutting through the water.

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-Muffled oars, of course.

-Muffled oars...?

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That's how Wolfe captured Quebec -

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rowed up the St Lawrence with muffled oars.

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What exactly ARE muffled oars?

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Well... We'll ask someone about that.

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We're on duty five nights a week.

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The Novelty Rock Emporium, Godfrey's cottage,

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the gasworks, the railway bridge, mobile patrols.

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I mean, really... It... It's too much.

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Do I detect a slight lack of enthusiasm?

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We must have some rest, sir.

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I realise that. I just want to try it out.

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We'll try this boat out after tea this afternoon.

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I'll want six volunteers.

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Detail Pike, Desmond, Frazer, Jones, Walker and Godfrey.

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All right, Sir...

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Thank you all for coming.

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I'd also like to thank Sgt Wilson for mocking up this very good boat.

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Thank you, sir. My nanny taught me how to do that in nursery.

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Did she? Take your place.

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-Right, sir.

-Now, I want to work out some sort of drill with you.

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There may be people watching

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when we're on the river and we don't want to make fools of ourselves.

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With him in charge, what choice have we got?!

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You may not believe this, but until yesterday,

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I knew nothing at all about boats.

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I was a nautical virgin.

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I knew there was only one person who could help - Miss Beckworth.

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I told her about it and she gave me a little handbook -

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"How to Handle Your Oars."

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It's issued to the Sea Scouts.

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I can safely say I have mastered the basic points of boatmanship.

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If I go wrong, I'm sure Frazer will be glad to put me right.

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Aye, I will!

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Sorry I'm late, sir. I was playing bowls.

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That's a good omen - so was Drake.

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-May I enquire what they're doing?

-Sitting in a boat.

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-Take your place. Forward.

-For'ard.

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-What?

-The word is "for'ard."

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Ah, yes, for'ard. We must get these things right.

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-Frazer is the cockswain.

-Cocks'n!

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-Cocks'n, yes... I sit next to him here...

-Aft!

-On the aft.

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I shall be in overall charge.

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Move your legs, boy! Right, pass round the oars, Pike.

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I volunteer to do that, sir!

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I was disappointed you wouldn't let me be the cockswain, sir.

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Oh, all right!

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Thank you very much, sir. Right, here's your oars...

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Now, hold the oars vertically, with the blades in the air.

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Right... Not quite so high, Pike.

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Bring it down, boy. That's right. Balance it on your thwart.

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Now, when I give the command,

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-"Ship oars," lower them down into the...

-Rollocks!

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What did you say?

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-Rollocks.

-Ah! Lower them down into the rowlocks.

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Go on.

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Now, on the command, "Catch," sink the blades into the water.

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On the command, "Pull," you pull. When he says, "Up," you...up.

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When he says, "Feather," you... Let's just try it.

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Blades back, boys... Catch! Pull!

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Up! Feather! Catch! Pull! Up! Feather...

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Hold it... Corporal!

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JONES! You're not keeping up!

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He ain't half giving the floor a good clean!

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Now, if we want the boat to stop,

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I give the command, "Hold water." Have you got that? "Hold water."

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-Excuse me, sir...

-Yes, Godfrey?

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-I can do a little rowing, if it's needed.

-Oh, thank you, Godfrey.

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We'll carry on as we are for now. Let's have another go, Frazer.

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Catch! Pull! Up! Feather! >

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Catch! Pull! Up! Feather!

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Catch! Pull...

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Feather! Catch!

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Pull! Up! Feather! >

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Catch! Pull! Up! Feather!

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Excellent, men.

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Catch! Pull! Up! Feather!

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-Good idea of mine to have a practice.

-It was indeed, sir.

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There's quite a few people watching.

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-I think we're making a good impression.

-Yes, sir, awfully good.

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-Keep it up, son!

-Yes, come on, Pike.

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You'll throw the whole stroke out.

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-I can't help it. I feel sick.

-But it's as calm as a millpond!

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I still feel sick!

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Hold water!

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-You're showing us up in front of the public!

-I can't help it.

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Lie down in the bottom of the boat. I shall have to take your place.

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-Is that wise?

-You can observe

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the correct procedure for walking about on a boat.

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Catch! PULL! Up! Feather!

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-Catch! PULL...

-Captain Mainwaring!

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Permission to stop catching up and pulling and feathering, sir.

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-It's getting a bit foggy.

-It's only a bit of sea mist.

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I know this stretch of water like the back of my hand.

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We'll just row to the mouth of the river, then turn back.

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I can hardly see to read.

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-Blimey, it ain't half coming up.

-Oh, all right, turn the boat round.

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Aye, sir. You, stop rowing. You two, catch, pull, up, feather!

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Catch! PULL! Up! Feather!

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All together! Catch! PULL! Up! Feather!

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-Are you sure you've turned the boat round?

-Of course I have!

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-Can you see the bank, Wilson?

-I can't even see YOU.

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-You'd better relieve me, so I can concentrate on the navigation.

-Sir.

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Pike... PIKE! Get in the bottom of the boat...

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-OW! You trod on me!

-Frank, I'm sorry.

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I didn't know you were there.

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-I'll take over the steering.

-You know nothing about it!

-Frazer!

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-Is that wise?

-I didn't ask you!

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Right, all pull together. Come on, PULL!

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PULL! Put your back into it, Wilson!

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-I'm trying!

-It'll soon be dark.

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-We won't be able to see a thing.

-It's hardly crystal-clear now!

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Right, PULL! PULL...

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Right, rest on your oars, men.

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Thank goodness the mist is lifting. We should be well upstream by now.

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Can you see the bank, Frazer?

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I'm having nothing to do wi' this. I wash my hands of the whole affair.

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No need to sulk about it.

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-Uncle.

-Yes?

-I feel awful. Can I have a glass of water?

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Don't be absurd! I don't have one!

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Hang on, I'll get you water...

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- That's full of germs! - Do you want a drink or not? There.

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Eurgh! It's all salty!

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Salt?!

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-Salt?!

-SALT?! It IS! It's salt!

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If it's salt, we're at sea.

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DON'T PANIC! DON'T PANIC!

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-I thought you were a sailor!

-YOU took over the steering!

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Quiet, everybody, and let me think.

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Permission to speak, sir! Why don't we all shout, "Help"?

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-Good idea.

-Wouldn't "Ahoy" sound more urgent?

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Yes, perhaps you're right. Right, we'll all shout together...

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ALL: AHOY! AHOY!

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-AHOY!

-Ahoy...

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I don't think anyone heard us, sir.

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If we rowed north, that would take us back to the shore.

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Good thinking. Where's the north, Frazer?

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Why ask me? You know it all!

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Take another look at the back o' yer hand!

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-You're being very childish!

-Ach!

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Now, anybody here got any suggestions?

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Moss grows on the north of trees,

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-if that's any help.

-No, it's not!

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Point the hour hand of a watch at the sun,

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halve the angle between it and 12 o'clock, and that's south.

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-It happens to be dark, Corporal!

-We could point it at the moon...

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No, it must be the sun. We used to find our way like that in the Sudan.

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There was a lot of sun out there, except at night, of course.

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-The North Star might be a help.

-You need the Great Bear for that.

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That's a group of stars that looks like a milk saucepan.

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The handle points towards the north.

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If it was a saucepan,

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-that's where you'd pour the milk.

-Hence the Milky Way!

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HE GROANS

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Walker, I've rebuked you many times for passing stupid remarks,

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but I'm glad the gravity of the situation

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has not killed your lively Cockney humour.

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Chaps like you are the backbone of England.

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I'm only trying to keep us cheerful.

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Precisely. It's comforting that we're all sticking together.

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-Captain Mainwaring...

-Hm?

-I'd like to apologise.

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-I've behaved very badly.

-Thank you, Frazer.

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Now, perhaps you'll tell us where the north is.

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-I can't.

-Why not?

-Because I don't bloody well know!

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Do ye think I'd be sitting here wi' you stupid Sassenachs if I knew the way?!

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-What about the stars?

-It's too cloudy!

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Sir... If you take a piece of cotton

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with a needle on the end and dangle it over your hand,

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it always swings towards the north.

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That's for pregnant women, to see if they'll have a boy or girl!

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Yes, it's good for that, an' all.

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-Uncle Arthur.

-What is it?

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I read a story in "Hotspur" once

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about some men who were adrift for days and days in an open boat.

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In the end, they got so hungry,

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they had to draw lots to decide which one of them to eat.

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-Who lost?

-The captain.

-You stupid boy!

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I don't think I'd like to eat Mr Mainwaring. I know him too well.

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Oh, don't be silly, Frank!

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-Uncle Arthur...

-What is it?

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Do you think I'll go blind?

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-What are you talking about?

-They say if you do it, you'll go blind.

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-Do what...?

-Drink sea-water.

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You don't go blind from drinking sea-water. You go mad, instead.

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-Will I go mad?

-Don't be silly.

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-The Ancient Mariner did.

-He drank rather more than you did!

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-What's the time, Wilson?

-What? I'll just sit up a bit. It's rather difficult down here.

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-Five o'clock.

-Is it?

-Yes, sir.

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All right, pay attention, men.

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It'll be light soon. We'll be spotted by a boat.

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-What happens if we're not spotted?

-There will be plenty of boats about.

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Suppose it's a German boat, sir?

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There are no German boats in the ENGLISH Channel!

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-Permission to speak, sir.

-Hmm?

-I can hear voices from over there!

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FAINT VOICES

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There they are again, sir!

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By Jove, you're right! We must be near the shore!

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-Let's all shout "Ahoy" together.

-Is that wise?

-Please, Wilson!

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If we start shouting,

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they might mistake us for Germans and shoot at us.

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Yes, good thinking, Sergeant.

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We'll row in very quietly and then we'll all shout together.

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Then they'll know we're British.

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-Right.

-Why don't we muffle our rollocks so they won't hear us?

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Good idea. Did you find out about that, sir?

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-Well, er...

-We could use our forage caps.

-That's how it's done, sir.

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All right. Take your places.

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Well done, men. We made it.

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When I say go,

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we all shout as loud as we can,

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"Ahoy there, we're British!"

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Ready?

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MEN SINGING: # Aupres de ma Blonde... #

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Permission to speak, sir... I don't think we're in England.

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My God! We've drifted across the Channel!

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Perhaps we should surrender.

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We are armed and in uniform.

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I'll pretend I never heard that!

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We can't fight the German Army!

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Why don't we shove off again?

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No, that's no good, Walker.

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It'll be light again soon. We'd be spotted at once in the open water.

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We must creep ashore and hide

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until the dark gets in. Start taking off your boots.

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(Keep close to the wall.)

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SINGING CONTINUES

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-Captain Mainwaring?

-Yes, Godfrey?

-Could I be excused for a moment?

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-Certainly not!

-We were an awfully long time in that boat, sir.

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-You should have taken advantage of it!

-My feet are killing me!

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Look, there's a railway siding.

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We'll hide in one of the trucks. Come on.

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Get in to one of these trucks.

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< SINGING CONTINUING

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- Give us a light, mate. - Sure.

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Ta.

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That racket's been going on all night! Some party, eh?

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They know how to celebrate, those French-Canadian pilots.

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- What's it in aid of? - Shooting down 50 Nazi planes.

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- Has no-one complained? - After what they did?!

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You're right. Good luck to 'em!

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Come along, come along!

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-Right, everybody here?

-Yes, sir.

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-Right, start putting your boots on.

-But what will we do next?

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Hide here till dark, then go and find the boat.

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We'll be here for a whole day!

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-Right...

-We shall starve!

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Nonsense! It'll do you no harm. You eat too much as it is.

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All right, settle down. We may as well get what rest we can.

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# The last time I saw Paris... #

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-Mr Mainwaring!

-What...?

-Permission to worry you, sir.

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-What is it, Corporal?

-Did-de-dum, did-de-dum, did-de-dum!

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-The train's moving!

-What?!

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Good heavens! We're in the heart of the country!

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We're in the middle of France!

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DON'T PANIC! We're in France!

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-We're in the middle of France...!

-All right, all right, settle down!

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-Sergeant.

-Sir?

-Immobilise the weapons,

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-so that they don't fall into enemy hands.

-Sir.

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Take the bolts out of your rifles and throw them out of the door.

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-Take the spring out of that.

-Right, sir.

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-We'll have to surrender, after all.

-Of course we won't!

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-We'll drop off one by one and head back to the coast.

-In these uniforms?!

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Take your blouses off.

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We've got civilian shirts on.

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-Roll up your tunics and tuck them under your shirt.

-Is that wise?

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-Just get on with it.

-We'll get shot as spies!

-No, we won't.

0:25:180:25:24

If the worst comes to the worst, put the tunics back on.

0:25:240:25:29

Then they can't touch you.

0:25:290:25:31

You're our inspiration, sir! What would we do without you?

0:25:330:25:39

We wouldnae be in this awful mess!

0:25:390:25:43

Line up. Come on.

0:25:430:25:46

Line up...

0:25:460:25:48

We're in a very tricky spot, but the situation isn't hopeless.

0:25:520:25:58

Every time the train stops, we'll drop off one by one.

0:25:580:26:04

Then it's up to every man to get across the Channel the best way he can.

0:26:040:26:11

I'd like to say thank you to you all and wish you good luck.

0:26:110:26:16

-Good luck.

-Sir.

0:26:160:26:19

Chin up, chin up.

0:26:210:26:23

-Goodbye, Walker.

-Good luck, sir.

0:26:230:26:26

-Good luck, Frazer.

-Cheeriebye, sir.

0:26:260:26:29

You stick with me, Godfrey.

0:26:300:26:33

-Goodbye, sir.

-Goodbye, Corporal.

0:26:330:26:36

-TRAIN SLOWS

-Well, this is it.

0:26:390:26:42

-Argh...!

-Don't overdo it, sir.

0:26:420:26:47

Right, Corporal, you're first. Open the door.

0:26:480:26:54

You're still wearing your hat, sir!

0:26:540:26:57

Hang on...

0:26:570:27:00

Shut it!

0:27:020:27:04

-We've stopped at a station!

-I hope that man didn't see us!

-Of course he saw us!

0:27:080:27:14

We'll bluff our way out. What's French for, "What is this station?"

0:27:140:27:20

Er... Qu'est-ce que c'est, la gare? Qu'est-ce que c'est, la gare?

0:27:200:27:24

Right, open it.

0:27:240:27:26

Bonjour, monsieur. Qu'est-ce que c'est la...la gare?

0:27:310:27:37

Eh?

0:27:370:27:39

Qu'est-ce que c'est la gare?

0:27:390:27:42

Oh, er, la gare est Eastbourne, actually.

0:27:420:27:46

-Why are you speaking French?

-Because we're Briti... Er...

0:27:480:27:53

We're in England!

0:27:530:27:55

What are you doing here?

0:27:570:27:59

-Waiting for the 12:30 to Walmington.

-We can be back in time for lunch!

0:27:590:28:04

We're not getting on any train. We're going back up that track for those rifle bolts.

0:28:040:28:10

THEY GROAN

0:28:100:28:14

Subtitles by Chas Donaldson BBC Scotland 1992

0:29:150:29:20

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