Time on My Hands Dad's Army


Time on My Hands

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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game

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# We are the boys who will make you think again

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# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21

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# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

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# So who do you think

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# You are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done? #

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Good morning.

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-Good morning!

-Good morning.

-The usual coffee and biscuits, please.

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The ration's been cut to one and a half biscuits each.

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I'll give you extra sugar!

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How very kind of you.

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-We try to keep up morale.

-Thank you.

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-I look forward to my coffee. Don't you?

-Yes.

-An oasis in the turmoil of strife.

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In such a setting, it's hard to believe we're at war.

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Sir...

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..did you have to bring that great big gun with you?

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"That great big gun"?! You talk like a nancy-boy!

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That 38 has never left me since it was issued. I take it everywhere!

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How very inconvenient. Doesn't it get wet when you take a bath?

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That's the sort of flippant remark I'd expect from you.

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What would you do if a German came through that door? Go home for your rifle?

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-Morning.

-Morning.

-Have you seen Charlie?

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-Who?

-The fellow who helps me. I'm meeting him.

-We've seen nobody.

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-Here...Captain Mainwaring?

-Mmm?

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-Will you do me a favour?

-What?

-Will you nip outside and watch out in case a copper comes?

-Yes...

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I beg your pardon?

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I've got some things outside for Miss Fortescue.

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How dare you? You expect ME, the bank manager, to act as a lookout?

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I'll sneak 'em in the back, then!

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I want nothing to do with your black-market activities.

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I'll cancel that order of yours for whisky.

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-It's not for me.

-No, no.

-My wife.

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Medicinal, of course.

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I understand, sir, of course.

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-Here we are.

-Thank you.

-Two coffees.

-How lovely.

-And three Rich Tea biscuits.

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-Thank you.

-Thank you.

-Thank YOU.

-Thank you.

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-I've no time for this black-market stuff, you know.

-No.

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-I believe in fair shares for all.

-I quite agree.

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So do I.

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Come on, Mr Mainwaring. Here's your rifle, Uncle Arthur. Chop-chop!

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-Just a minute! What's all this?

-A phone call from the police.

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Walker?

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-No. A Nazi pilot's baled out. He's hanging from the town-hall roof! Come on!

-WHAT?

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Don't panic!

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-There's a Nazi paratrooper dangling from the town hall!

-Yes!

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-He's dangling!

-We KNOW! We're just going!

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-I'll get my bayonet!

-You don't need your bayonet!

-I do! When he comes down...they don't like it!

-Go on!

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Your hat.

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Mind out! I'm risking it.

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Get your rifle and go to the town hall.

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-You're shooting the mayor?

-Never mind!

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-We'll get Frazer. Come on.

-I'm coming!

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HODGES: Stand back now, come on! Do as you're told! Get 'em back!

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Come on, now. Stand back! Do as you're told!

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WILL you stand back? There's nothing to see!

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It's only a German hanging from a parachute!

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Hilfe! Hilfe!

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EXCITED WHISPERING

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STAND BACK! If the ropes break, he could fall on us!

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Could be nasty! >

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They won't break. They make strong ropes, them Germans.

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< They make a lot of other things, too...

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..binoculars, and cameras, and telescopes,

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< and bicycles,

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air-guns, sewing-machines... Very good sewing-machines.

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Oh, shut up, you silly old fool!

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Excuse me! Thank you. Can I get through? Sorry. Excuse me.

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It's our brave lads! Give a cheer!

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CROWD: HURRAY! HURRAY!

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Excuse me!

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Who do you think you're shoving, Napoleon? I'm in charge here!

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I won't discuss it!

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I've got a position of authority and you undermine it! How dare you show me up?

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This helmet means something!

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It means you're very boring. Go away!

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Like I said, he's dangling! How we gonna undangle him?

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-Yes, how?

-We'll think of something.

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He's in no position to do us much trouble.

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A wounded jackal is most dangerous when he's cornered. Come on!

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He's got no respect for my helmet whatsoever!

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The Germans make good helmets. Good boots, too.

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Wait for me!

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-You've got to get him down!

-We'll do our best, Mr Gordon.

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-I

-am responsible for the town hall. I cannot have a German dangling here.

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What WILL the council say?

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-How do we get up there?

-I'll show you.

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Thank you.

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-This way.

-That's the way up.

-I see.

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-But it's not very safe!

-Oh! Why's that?

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The staircase was burned down by a fire bomb last year.

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They've put up scaffolding, but the town clerk's right it doesn't look safe.

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-Where have you been?

-Shopping, then I heard a commotion. Can I be of any assistance?

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Sir?

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I doubt it.

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What have you got there?

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-My sister Dolly's air cushion. It's been mended.

-Couldn't they wrap it?

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-No.

-That's a disgrace, to make you walk about like that!

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-They don't wrap things. It's the war.

-Jones!

-So many changes...

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They could have put a bit of paper round it.

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-It's a disgrace.

-Jones!

-Look at it! They could have wrapped it.

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-They could have...

-Mr Mainwaring!

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-May I remind you that there's a German dangling from the roof?

-I know! We're going up!

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-Why bother?

-What?

-Put the rubber ring down below to break his fall!

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Any more remarks like that and you'll leave the town hall.

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Sir! I'm volunteering to shin up that ladder! Let me!

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I think Frank ought to go up first. He IS the youngest.

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That's not fair! I can't stand heights. I'm a martyr to vertigo.

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-I'm going!

-I won't let you sacrifice yourself!

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Hilfe!

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HI...LFE!

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-Hilfe!

-All right, I can hear you!

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-I can hear you. I'm coming.

-Hilfe!

-All right!

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-All right.

-Bitte, mein Herr. Bitte!

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It's no good trying to apologise! Now then!

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-Hilfe!

-Handy hup! Put your hands up!

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I will, I'll get you out of here, don't worry. You stay there. Don't you move!

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-Schnell!

-Never mind the smell. It's nothing to do with it.

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He's still here, sir.

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-What shall we do?

-You cover him. I'll parlay with him.

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You pay attention. My captain is going to parlay you.

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Further resistance is useless!

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In the name of the King, I demand that you surrender.

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It's not easy, is it?

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-How is he?

-If he's a crack Luftwaffe pilot, I'm not impressed. Looks like something the cat dragged in.

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Not smart, not like our own brave RAF boys.

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I wonder...

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-How would you feel, dangling 150 feet up?

-None of that talk!

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He's in a blue funk! Pull yourself together!

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Ich kann nicht verstehen.

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-What's German for "pull yourself together"?

-I've no idea, sir.

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He's in a terrible state. You feel sorry for him. He looks awful.

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-How will we get him in?

-We need a pole.

-Yes.

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I've an idea. If we use the hand off the clock, that should do it.

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Good idea! See if you can reach.

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-Give him a hand, Jones.

-This is vandalism. You can't desecrate the clock!

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Why not? It doesn't work!

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It's been ten past three since 1939!

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-It's a German clock.

-What's that?

-Look on the dial.

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That settles it. Get the hand off!

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That used to be pretty. It played nursery rhymes every 15 minutes.

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-And figures used to come out and round.

-Typically German.

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I can't reach.

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-Where have you BEEN, Frank?

-I had to come up slowly cos the ladders wobbled.

-Oh, I see.

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-He's still there?

-Yes.

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Is he fighting you?

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Of course not, you stupid boy.

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I can't bring him in. I can't reach him.

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Try a wee bit further!

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-Hang on! I'm not a giraffe! If only he could swing himself.

-Good idea.

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Swing yourself in here! Swing...

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-What's German for "swing"?

-No idea, sir.

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-You're not contributing much!

-No, sir.

-TRY and take an interest!

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Hey, Fritz! Swing!

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Swing! You know, cha-cha-cha!

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< Cha-cha-cha?!

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He'll know "In the Mood". Right.

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# Mister, what d'you call it what you're doing tonight?

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ALL: # I hope you're in the mood because I'm feeling all right... #

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-He's crying.

-I'm not surprised after that terrible row.

-He's an idiot.

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-He doesn't understand anything.

-Let's try something German.

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What about Offenbach's "Tales of Hoffmann"?

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-It has a lovely swing.

-I'm not having German songs.

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We've got to get him in somehow. Ready?

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Altogether!

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# La-la la-la, la-la la-la

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-# La-la la-la, la-la...

-Mr Mainwaring, there's a pole here. If I can cut it free, we can use it.

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-# La-la la-la... #

-All right! That's not getting us anywhere.

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-We must get a pole from somewhere.

-I've got a pole!

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-Ah... No, don't take that off! No!

-It's coming!

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LOUD CRASHING

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Oh, dear! It's broken.

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Vandals! Hooligans! It took me and my men two days to rig those ladders!

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How will they get down?

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I don't know and I don't care! They can stay up there forever and starve! Ruining my ladders!

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They didn't mean to.

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You know what I'm going to do now?

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I'm going to give him a piece of my mind.

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He won't hear.

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He will!

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Because I'm going to shout loud, and when I want to shout loud, I can shout VERY LOUD INDEED!

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Don't say anything you'll regret.

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You silly old fool! We'll never get down now.

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We're marooned! Marooned!

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I'm so sorry, and I'm going to do everything you tell me to do, no matter how dangerous.

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I'll make any sacrifice in order to regurgitate myself.

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Hilfe! Hilfe!

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HILFE!

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We'll work it out. Let's get HIM in. I'm sick of him whining.

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Right, sir.

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I hope you stay up there forever, so I can enjoy this war in peace!

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Because I DO enjoy it! I've never enjoyed anything so much in my life as being chief warden. I love it!

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And YOU always spoil it!

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He'll never hear you. You need a megaphone.

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The Germans make good megaphones...

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..loudspeakers, radios, gramophones. Very good gramophones...

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Shut up, you silly old fool!

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How dare you? You're a very common, rude and nasty fellow!

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Don't start!

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Hello, Mr Hodges. Look! He hasn't fallen.

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It's not too late. We haven't missed anything.

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-Pass auf!

-Pull!

-Pass auf!

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FRAZER: You'll break his leg!

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Well, he shouldn't have come!

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WALKER: I've got him.

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Langsam! Langsam!

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You'll have to release him from the parachute.

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-How?

-PIKE: I know. See that buckle?

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There turn it to the left, then hit it.

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-I saw it in a film Googie Withers was in it. GOOGIE WITHERS!

-All right! Never mind.

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Sir, I should like to turn the German to the left and punch him.

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-Let me!

-Get on with it!

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Aaah!

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It won't open, sir.

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-Nein!

-You got to be cruel to be kind.

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A turn to the left is on British parachutes. They have a left-hand thread on the continent.

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Typically foreign! Turn it to the right!

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Nein! Nein!

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Jones is hitting the German!

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Where?

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Right across the gargoyles!

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That's not in the Geneva Convention.

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It's very near it!

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More of our brave lads! Give a cheer! CROWD: HURRAY!

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What's happening, Mr Godfrey? Mr Mainwaring's marooned up there!

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Better get him down. Mr Hodges?

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Don't ask ME to help. I won't discuss it.

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-I

-know how.

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How, Vicar?

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By using my skill. Help me carry my paraphernalia. Very well.

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Gott sei Dank! Vielen Dank, mein Herr!

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None of those foreign tricks. Cover him, Jones.

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Watch it! Just cos I haven't got a bayonet, doesn't make any difference.

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Now, I'm going to...

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-I'm going to drop this note...

-Yes?

-..over the side.

-I see.

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It won't go straight down. Do you realise that? It's bound to flutter for miles.

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-Well done, Wilson. Just testing you.

-Ah.

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Mr Mainwaring? This'll do the trick.

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Ah.

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Madman! That could've killed me!

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There's a message.

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Right! Now I'll send HIM a message.

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You could have killed someone.

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-I was only using my initiative.

-Look! Hodges is chalking a reply.

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-What did yours say, sir?

-"How will we get down?"

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What does he say?

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"How...will...you... get...down?"

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CROWD: Ooh! Madman!

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-What was the message?

-None at all. I was aiming at the warden.

-Good.

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Clearly we'll get no help. We must use our initiative,

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and...and work out our own salvation.

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Captain Mainwaring, why not have each of us suggest a way down, then you pick the best?

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Well...it's worth a try, I suppose. Better than nothing.

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-Mr Mainwaring?

-Yes?

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If we got the parachute, we could float down.

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-Sir?

-Yes?

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MUFFLED SHOUTS AND ECHOES

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Oh, dear...!

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If we pulled the parachute in, we could tear it into strips, and plait it,

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make a long rope, then slide down it.

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What are you sniggering at?

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It sounds like a bit of a platitude.

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-Captain Mainwaring?

-Yes?

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I mind the time, many, many years ago...

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..on the furthest point of the Western Isles...

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Two brave lighthouse-keepers were marooned.

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Their stair had collapsed, and THEY were cut off.

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WHISPERS: Just like us...

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Well...they were up there for two long months,

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and in the end they decided there was only one way to get down.

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And what was that?

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They dismantled the lighthouse...

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..brick by brick...

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That's not very sensible.

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Maybe not. Don't forget, they'd been up there so long...

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..well, they'd both gone quite mad...

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Did you hear me? Mad...

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MAD!

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MAD!

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It's your turn, Wilson.

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I'm thinking of a fairy story that my old nanny used to tell.

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Yes...

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A beautiful princess was locked in a tower.

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She was rescued by a handsome prince. You know how he did it?

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No idea.

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He shot an arrow to the top of the tower. Attached to it was a piece of twine, and eventually a rope.

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She pulled them all up, and the prince was able to climb up and rescue her.

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There you are... Wasn't that nice?

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I don't think I can take much more...

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It's like a bad dream.

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-Walker? Say something sensible, for heaven's sake!

-Let's use this rope.

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-What rope?

-This rope.

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There's a weight on it. If we wind it up, then put it down there, then wind it down, we can climb down it.

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Well done! I saw it some time ago I was wondering who would spot it first.

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-Wind it up. Come and help, Pike.

-Yes, sir.

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It ain't half stiff. It certainly is.

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There's a brake on it. Knock it off, will you?

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-Yes, righty-ho.

-Give me your hand.

-That'll be all right, yes.

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-PIKE: Careful.

-I can manage it all right.

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-Now we're getting somewhere!

-That's it.

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BONG!

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Muffle the bell! People will think it's an invasion!

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-BELLS PLAY: "Pop Goes the Weasel."

-Don't panic!

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DON'T PANIC!

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Aaagh!

0:23:060:23:08

-I'm out!

-Careful, sir!

0:23:080:23:10

It's stopped! It's not supposed to do that!

0:23:110:23:15

-It should go round and in again.

-Aaah!

-Careful!

0:23:150:23:20

-What am I going to do?

-Stay there until it chimes again.

0:23:220:23:27

I can't! It's a bit nefarious up here!

0:23:270:23:30

WALKER: Get hold of the hand, move it 15 minutes, and it should start.

0:23:300:23:36

-Right.

-Careful, for heaven's sake.

0:23:360:23:39

Careful, for heaven's sake, Jonesy!

0:23:390:23:42

I'm going to be careful, I'm going to be...

0:23:420:23:45

JONES!

0:23:450:23:47

Careful...

0:23:470:23:49

-Have you got it?

-Yes.

0:23:490:23:52

It's a bit stiff. Wait a minute.

0:23:520:23:55

Come on, hurry up!

0:23:550:23:57

-Jonesy!

-All right! I'm being as quick as I can.

0:23:570:24:02

Aaaagh!

0:24:020:24:03

-Jones!

-Aaagh! Aaagh!

0:24:030:24:07

Someone grab him!

0:24:070:24:09

Help! Help!

0:24:110:24:13

I've done it! I've done it!

0:24:130:24:16

Well done!

0:24:160:24:18

BONG!

0:24:180:24:20

The bell! Pike!

0:24:210:24:24

Damn!

0:24:330:24:34

-It's ruined! It cost me 8s 6d in 1911!

-Time you had a new one!

0:24:360:24:41

-WALKER: You should be coming in now, Jonesy.

-Come on.

0:24:410:24:46

Ow! Ow!

0:25:020:25:03

Ow!

0:25:030:25:05

Ow!

0:25:050:25:06

Ow!

0:25:060:25:07

Ow!

0:25:070:25:08

-Ow!

-Don't make such a fuss!

0:25:080:25:11

It's only a wooden sword.

0:25:110:25:14

I do not like it. I don't!

0:25:140:25:17

Come on, Jonesy. Back you come. Come on.

0:25:180:25:22

Mind your head.

0:25:240:25:27

-Get him off. Get him off, quickly!

-Oh!

0:25:270:25:30

-PIKE: Are you all right?

-Yes.

0:25:320:25:35

-BONG! BONG!

-Do the necessary!

0:25:370:25:40

Be careful, for heaven's sake.

0:25:550:25:58

Don't you worry! I'm not making that mistake twice.

0:25:580:26:02

CONFUSED SHOUTS

0:26:020:26:05

Look at that! There used to be three...

0:26:060:26:10

I don't know... Aaagh!

0:26:100:26:12

Aaagh! It's the reaper! The reaper! The reaper!

0:26:120:26:16

I'm being reaped! I'm being reaped, sir!

0:26:160:26:20

-What shall I do?

-Stay there till they go back.

0:26:200:26:23

-I can't!

-WALKER: They're coming back.

0:26:230:26:27

SHOUTING

0:26:270:26:30

And don't go out there again!

0:26:400:26:43

-I didn't do it on purpose! They made me!

-Pull yourself together!

0:26:430:26:49

I want some sensible suggestions on how to get down better than the last ones!

0:26:490:26:56

-And yours was the stupidest!

-Really?

0:26:570:27:00

KERRANG!

0:27:010:27:04

Look at that, sir! Good heavens! Good lord, what's this?

0:27:040:27:08

"Attached to the arrow is a length of thread...

0:27:080:27:12

"..and then some twine, and attached to the twine is a rope."

0:27:120:27:19

Isn't that nice?

0:27:190:27:21

How clever! However did you think of that?

0:27:210:27:24

A fairy story my nanny told.

0:27:240:27:27

I'd heard you're an expert on fairies!

0:27:270:27:30

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