Round and Round Went the Great Big Wheel Dad's Army


Round and Round Went the Great Big Wheel

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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game

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# We are the boys who will make you think again

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# 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21

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# But he comes home each evening

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# And he's ready with his gun

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# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done? #

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# Goodbye, Sally I'm saying goodbye

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# Goodbye, Sally I don't want you to cry... #

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Gentlemen. Pierce, it's your show, so I'll let you do the talking.

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Thank you, Sir Charles. Well, gentlemen, this is it. It contains 2,000 lbs of explosive

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and will knock out enemy pill-boxes up to a range of three miles.

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It's the High Explosive Attack Device,

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propelled by Ultra High Frequency. Code name - "Head Pouf".

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You can home it onto the target with the radio?

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I'll show you.

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We are HERE, enemy pill-box THERE. We start off.

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It will go round obstacles,

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turn left or right. It reaches the target and up it goes!

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I'm sorry to miss the demonstration. What are you doing about security?

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I've picked a deserted aerodrome

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by a place called Walmington-on-Sea for "Operation Catherine-Wheel".

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-Troops must seal off the area.

-I'll use those...er, Home things.

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Home things? You mean Home Guards.

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Yes. The locals know the Home Guard so they won't take any notice.

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-We shouldn't attract any attention.

-Sound thinking, Pierce. Very good.

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Eastgate Platoon, under Captain Square, will guard entrances.

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The Dymwhich, under Captain Graham,

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will patrol the perimeter and keep out snoopers.

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What about admin - fatigues, cook-house and digging whatsits? Who will do that?

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The Walmington-on-Sea Platoon, run by Captain... What's his name?

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Mainwaring. The local bank manager.

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-What did he say?

-Haven't told him yet.

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- I'll see him today, sir. - He won't be keen.

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I'll soft-soap him, sir, butter him up.

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Make him feel important. There's nothing bank managers like more!

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# Follow the white line all the way... #

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That's a brief outline of the test.

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I don't want to take up too much of your time -

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-you ARE a very important man.

-I'm not all THAT important, eh, Wilson?

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No, I don't think so.

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-You always back your Captain up?

-I do my best.

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Well, I haven't yet said what your platoon will be doing at the test.

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No. I'm eager to learn.

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Well, er...the fact is...I, er, don't quite know how to put this.

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There are several things that must be done, not very pleasant things,

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and I, er...that is to say, WE...

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Say no more. You're trying to say you want us for special duties.

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-That's IT! I want you for special duties!

-You can rely on us.

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-What exactly are special duties?

-What sort of a question is that?

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Everything's secret, hush-hush. We'll find out when we get there.

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You'll find out, all right.

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I want you to brief your chaps, but don't forget - absolute secrecy.

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Here's a list of things to bring.

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Thank you. You can rely on my men. They won't breathe a word.

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May I just say how proud I am that you've chosen us for special duties.

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# If I only had wings... #

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Pay attention, everybody, please. Platoon, atten-shun!

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That's right.

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Thank you, Sergeant. Stand at...ease!

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-Now, men...

-Permission to speak, sir. Sorry about the bunched-upness.

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You said to creep into the crypt,

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-but we didn't know it was for parading motions.

-All right, Jones.

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Now, I've asked you down here

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because what I have to say to you is secret and mustn't be overheard.

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Captain Mainwaring, would you mind speaking up?

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I cannae hear a word you're saying. You're mumbling, mumbling.

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The reason I am keeping my voice down is because what I have to say is secret.

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It'll remain a secret unless you speak up!

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Platoon, attention! Forward march.

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All right, that's enough. Halt! Is that any better, sir?

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-MUFFLED:

-Thank you. What I have to say...

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Get them back! This is ridiculous!

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All right, sir. Backward shuffle. Off you go!

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Halt!

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All right, sir.

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What I have to say to you must not go outside this crypt. Understand?

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Yes, sir!

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On Saturday, a new secret weapon is being tested. We have been detailed

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for special duties.

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What exactly will we have to do, sir?

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I don't know, but we have a list of articles to bring.

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Perhaps we can deduce something from that.

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-Have you got the list, Wilson?

-I have indeed, sir.

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-Er, right, sir. Three knives and three shovels.

-Knives and shovels.

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What are we to hazard from that?

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If we find a fifth columnist, we can kill him and bury him.

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-Now, look, Walker, don't start.

-All right.

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-What else?

-Three bars of soap, scrubbing brushes and buckets.

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Perhaps it's a dirty secret weapon and we've got to clean it.

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No, I shouldn't think so, Corporal. They'd have experts to do that.

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-Whatever it is, I'm sure you'll back me up.

-Yes, sir!

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-I've just been struck by something deadly.

-A scorpion?!

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Sir, we are all now in possession of highly secret information.

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Suppose we was captured by enemy agents.

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How much torture could we stand before we revealed ourselves?

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You're getting into the realms of fantasy.

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Don't give me that realms of what's-'is-name, sir!

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-We could be tortured, sir!

-Pull yourself together, Jones.

-No, I must awake you to this danger!

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Come on, Jonesey, calm down. Get back into the ranks.

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They might tip our heads back and pour gallons of water down us.

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Oh, dear, I don't think I could stand much of that.

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I volunteer to be tortured, sir!

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I'd like to be a guinea-pig. I demand to suffer, sir!

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-I demand to suffer, sir!

-Shut up!

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-What did you do that for?

-Sorry, sir, but the Corporal was getting hysterical.

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-All right, all right.

-Keep quiet!

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-Now, I must warn you that whatever else happens...

-Excuse me, sir.

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There is somebody lurking in the shadows.

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-(Pretend you haven't seen him.

-Right, sir.)

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-(Take it nonchalantly and change places with me.

-All right, sir.)

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-All right, sir?

-All right, yes.

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Now, I must point out to you...

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Right, come out! Get your hands in the air!

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-How dare you spy on us?

-I wasn't!

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Your candle-light was flickering through the grating!

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And don't point that gun at me!

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-He must have heard everything.

-He'll squeal. Of course I won't!

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You can't rely on him, sir.

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Two drinks and he's a right blabbermouth.

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You're right. We can't afford to take the risk.

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I could screw him down in one of my coffins.

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-He'd suffocate, Frazer.

-Well, if you're fussy, I could bore a wee hole.

-Back in your place, Frazer.

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Shoot him, sir. You're entitled to.

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Quiet, Pike. We'll have to take him with us and we must see he doesn't talk to anybody.

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I can watch him if I help him in his shop.

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He'll cheat the customers!

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- That'll make two of us. - How DARE you?!

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Captain Mainwaring, I could look after him at night.

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Thank you, Godfrey.

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- I'm not sleeping with him! - I don't snore!

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-Hodges, you could be prosecuted for eavesdropping on us.

-Rubbish!

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We've been picked for special duties. You are NOT ruining it.

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You've got to be pretty special to be picked for special duties.

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# If I only had wings... #

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Special duties! Bah!

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Do you mind?

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Hoodwinked, that's what we've been, Wilson. I should have known not to trust that smarmy Captain Stewart.

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You can't blame him, sir.

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You would stick up for him. You both went to public schools.

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You have got a bit of a chip on your shoulder about that.

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What I HAVE got on my shoulder are three pips, and don't you forget it.

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'Ere, Napoleon, I wouldn't have missed this for anything.

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I'm glad I came now. "Highly secret special duties!"

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It's a good job there's no cavalry, or you would've had your work cut out!

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-Before you address Captain Mainwaring, remove that cigarette.

-Thank you, Wilson.

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I don't like to see you being insulted by outsiders, sir.

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HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

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Joe, I'll nip out and listen to "Hi, Gang!" on the wireless.

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There's no radio out here.

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That's what YOU think! My portable is hidden in the van.

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Mr Mainwaring, now I know what they wanted the shovels for.

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-We're ready to go now, Minister.

-Thank you, Colonel.

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-What are those aerials?

-They pick up the radio waves that control it.

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Amazing!

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Hurry up, Joe.

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Close the door. We don't want anyone to hear us.

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- Where did you get it? - I made it myself, didn't I ?

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- You're smarter than I thought. - I'm not just a pretty face!

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- How can we listen on one pair of earphones? - It's easy. Like this!

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- I can't hear anything. - It's got to warm up, hasn't it?

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I can't wait to hear what Bebe and Ben are up to this week.

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Do you think Vic Oliver really IS eighty-five?

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The target's the concrete pill-box.

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-Ready, Sergeant?

-Yes, sir!

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-Are we all ready?

-Oh, yes.

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-Off you go, Sergeant!

-Sir!

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STEADY BLEEPING

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She's off!

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Single bleeps means forward. Turn left, Sergeant.

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DOUBLE BLEEPS

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She's responding! Turn right.

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TRIPLE BLEEPS

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Splendid! That's three bleeps!

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Excellent, Colonel!

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BURST OF STATIC

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'Hi, gang!'

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-What's that?

-I heard it on Saturday, sir. It's a repeat of "Hi, Gang!"

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Sergeant?

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-I'm getting interference, sir.

-Get rid of it, man!

-Yes, sir.

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RAPID BLEEPING

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-What's that?

-The signal for coming towards us, sir.

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Take cover!

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-I've got it under control now, sir.

-He's got it under control now.

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-No, I haven't!

-No, he hasn't! Get back! Get back!

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BLEEPING

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Get the transport quickly!

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-We must follow it.

-I've dismissed the transport, sir.

-You idiot!

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-I've got my motorbike and Captain Mainwaring has a van.

-Right.

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Tell Mainwaring to warn Walmington that it could be blown sky-high!

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-Warn GHQ. We'll try to get it back here by radio.

-Very good, sir.

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Thank goodness! That's the last.

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-Excellent work.

-Don't take any notice of his soft-soap.

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He's dropped you right in it.

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Don't you talk to him like that!

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-Captain Mainwaring, it's escaped!

-What has?

-The secret weapon.

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-You must warn Walmington!

-Come on!

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-What does it look like?

-It's a huge wheel with 2,000 lbs of explosive.

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-It contains 2,000 lbs of explosive. Don't PANIC! Don't PANIC!

-Ssh!

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Right, into the van, everybody.

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Hurry up, men!

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- There's someone coming! - Cover it up!

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So you're skulking in here? Getting out of peeling tatties?

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No!

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- What's going on? - Walmington's going to be blown up if we don't get there on the dot!

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- Hurry up, Grandad! - You ARE a vulgar and common man.

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Mr Mainwaring?

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What does the weapon look like?

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-Wilson?

-Like a huge wheel.

-Like a huge wheel.

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-Why do you ask, Pike?

-I think it's trying to pass us.

-What?!

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-Shall I wave it on, sir?

-Get your foot down! It'll blow us up!

-Oh!

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It's still following us!

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Don't panic, Mr Mainwaring! Don't PANIC!

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-Turn to the left. That'll fox it.

-Right, sir.

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-It's still following us!

-I can't shake it off!

-It's as if it's being

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attracted by something in the van.

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-It's taken a fancy to the spare wheel!

-Go away, Walker. Turn left.

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We've lost it, sir! We've lost it!

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-Thank goodness!

-It looked as if it was ready to blow up.

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-It looked angry, sir.

-How can an inanimate object look angry?

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I don't know, but it's got a grudge against us.

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-What if it does blow up, sir?

-That's not our problem, Wilson. We've got to warn Walmington.

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Believe me, we've shaken it off.

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Whoa! It's an ambush!

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-Back up!

-I told you it's got a grudge against us, sir!

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-Back down that side turning.

-It's stopping!

-We must immobilise it.

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Right, everybody out!

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Do you think this is wise, sir?

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-We've got to immobilise it, Wilson.

-There are forces at work here we know very little about!

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There's 2,000 lbs of high explosive in that thing.

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-Stand by with your First Aid kit, Godfrey.

-You can rely on me, sir.

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Come on, men!

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-I'll immobilise it, sir. I'll give it a poke with the old cold steel.

-Oh, use your head, Jones!

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I'd rather use the cold steel, sir.

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- It's gone ever so quiet. - Perhaps it's sulking.

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Keep calm! It's only a smoke-screen.

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-Aah! Careful with that bayonet, you fool!

-I can't see where I'm going!

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-AAH! He hurt me, Mr Mainwaring!

-Unfix that bayonet at once, Jones.

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-What's happening, Mainwaring?

-It's been following us, sir.

-Where is it?

-There!

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-It's gone!

-Where did all this smoke come from?

-From the secret weapon.

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That was Phase Two. It will go into Phase Three next - the explosion.

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Don't panic! Don't PANIC!

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It's going into Phase Three! Don't panic, boys! It's going up!

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-We must stop it!

-Why did it tack on to you? Have you got a radio?

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-No, sir, I WAS going to get a gramophone, sir.

-All right, Jones.

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-How can we put it out of action?

-It has two aerials. If you can chop those off, it's harmless.

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-We can make out like Boadicea, sir!

-How do you mean?

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Well, she put knives on her wheels, sir, then went along like this.

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-Get a move on, Mr Mainwaring!

-All right, Jones.

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OPEN, two, three. OUT, two, three. TURN, two, three.

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Well done, Jones! We've done it!

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-I've made contact, sir! I'm getting a signal.

-What's it sound like?

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A sort of groan, sir.

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-A fine time to run out of petrol!

-We've been driving for MILES!

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Why don't we use that motorbike?

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-One of us could sit in the sidecar with Pikey's portable radio.

-Portable radio?

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I've just realised - that's what's been attracting the secret weapon!

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You stupid boy! Why didn't you say something

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-when he asked if we'd a radio?

-I didn't want to look a fool.

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We wouldn't want you to make a fool of yourself, Frank.

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You speak for yourself, Wilson, and stop mollycoddling the boy!

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What's happening, Stewart?

0:23:350:23:37

-Captain Mainwaring's keeping it under observation.

-We will, too.

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Now, look here, Wilson, I'm going to lure it back...

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-I'm going to lure it back to the aerodrome.

-Right, sir. Don't get too close to it.

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-I should have my head examined, driving this!

-Move off!

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Good luck!

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It was nice of that chap to lend you his bike.

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-I dangled petrol coupons under his nose.

-Dangling!

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-Dangling!

-What's dangling?

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I thought of a way of putting that weapon out of action. Joe, get the shears. I'll get the tow-rope.

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-Whatever you're going to do, I'm sure you shouldn't.

-It's a cinch!

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There's a railway bridge up there. All we've got to do...

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Turn the volume up, Pike.

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Well done, Pike, it's responding!

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Here they come!

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Right, lower away!

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-I hope this works, Sarge.

-So do I.

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Captain Mainwaring, I shall chop off

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its whatsit! ..I'm dangling!

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- How much farther? - A bit more!

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Home Service, Pike.

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I'm dangling!

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Done it!

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-He's done it!

-That's it!

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Get him down!

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Come on, a bit more!

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-Well done, Jones.

-I did it!

-Indeed.

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Look!

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Mr Mainwaring... Mr Mainwaring! I've killed it!

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-Very promising first test.

-Some refinements are needed, sir.

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You'll have to stop Bebe Daniels interfering with you, for a start!

0:26:490:26:54

That man's name, Captain?

0:26:540:26:56

Yes, sir.

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