Round and Round Went the Great Big Wheel Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game

# We are the boys who will make you think again

# 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21

# But he comes home each evening

# And he's ready with his gun

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done? #

# Goodbye, Sally I'm saying goodbye

# Goodbye, Sally I don't want you to cry... #

Gentlemen. Pierce, it's your show, so I'll let you do the talking.

Thank you, Sir Charles. Well, gentlemen, this is it. It contains 2,000 lbs of explosive

and will knock out enemy pill-boxes up to a range of three miles.

It's the High Explosive Attack Device,

propelled by Ultra High Frequency. Code name - "Head Pouf".

You can home it onto the target with the radio?

I'll show you.

We are HERE, enemy pill-box THERE. We start off.

It will go round obstacles,

turn left or right. It reaches the target and up it goes!

I'm sorry to miss the demonstration. What are you doing about security?

I've picked a deserted aerodrome

by a place called Walmington-on-Sea for "Operation Catherine-Wheel".

-Troops must seal off the area.

-I'll use those...er, Home things.

Home things? You mean Home Guards.

Yes. The locals know the Home Guard so they won't take any notice.

-We shouldn't attract any attention.

-Sound thinking, Pierce. Very good.

Eastgate Platoon, under Captain Square, will guard entrances.

The Dymwhich, under Captain Graham,

will patrol the perimeter and keep out snoopers.

What about admin - fatigues, cook-house and digging whatsits? Who will do that?

The Walmington-on-Sea Platoon, run by Captain... What's his name?

Mainwaring. The local bank manager.

-What did he say?

-Haven't told him yet.

- I'll see him today, sir. - He won't be keen.

I'll soft-soap him, sir, butter him up.

Make him feel important. There's nothing bank managers like more!

# Follow the white line all the way... #

That's a brief outline of the test.

I don't want to take up too much of your time -

-you ARE a very important man.

-I'm not all THAT important, eh, Wilson?

No, I don't think so.

-You always back your Captain up?

-I do my best.

Well, I haven't yet said what your platoon will be doing at the test.

No. I'm eager to learn.

Well, er...the fact is...I, er, don't quite know how to put this.

There are several things that must be done, not very pleasant things,

and I, er...that is to say, WE...

Say no more. You're trying to say you want us for special duties.

-That's IT! I want you for special duties!

-You can rely on us.

-What exactly are special duties?

-What sort of a question is that?

Everything's secret, hush-hush. We'll find out when we get there.

You'll find out, all right.

I want you to brief your chaps, but don't forget - absolute secrecy.

Here's a list of things to bring.

Thank you. You can rely on my men. They won't breathe a word.

May I just say how proud I am that you've chosen us for special duties.

# If I only had wings... #

Pay attention, everybody, please. Platoon, atten-shun!

That's right.

Thank you, Sergeant. Stand at...ease!

-Now, men...

-Permission to speak, sir. Sorry about the bunched-upness.

You said to creep into the crypt,

-but we didn't know it was for parading motions.

-All right, Jones.

Now, I've asked you down here

because what I have to say to you is secret and mustn't be overheard.

Captain Mainwaring, would you mind speaking up?

I cannae hear a word you're saying. You're mumbling, mumbling.

The reason I am keeping my voice down is because what I have to say is secret.

It'll remain a secret unless you speak up!

Platoon, attention! Forward march.

All right, that's enough. Halt! Is that any better, sir?

-MUFFLED:

-Thank you. What I have to say...

Get them back! This is ridiculous!

All right, sir. Backward shuffle. Off you go!

Halt!

All right, sir.

What I have to say to you must not go outside this crypt. Understand?

Yes, sir!

On Saturday, a new secret weapon is being tested. We have been detailed

for special duties.

What exactly will we have to do, sir?

I don't know, but we have a list of articles to bring.

Perhaps we can deduce something from that.

-Have you got the list, Wilson?

-I have indeed, sir.

-Er, right, sir. Three knives and three shovels.

-Knives and shovels.

What are we to hazard from that?

If we find a fifth columnist, we can kill him and bury him.

-Now, look, Walker, don't start.

-All right.

-What else?

-Three bars of soap, scrubbing brushes and buckets.

Perhaps it's a dirty secret weapon and we've got to clean it.

No, I shouldn't think so, Corporal. They'd have experts to do that.

-Whatever it is, I'm sure you'll back me up.

-Yes, sir!

-I've just been struck by something deadly.

-A scorpion?!

Sir, we are all now in possession of highly secret information.

Suppose we was captured by enemy agents.

How much torture could we stand before we revealed ourselves?

You're getting into the realms of fantasy.

Don't give me that realms of what's-'is-name, sir!

-We could be tortured, sir!

-Pull yourself together, Jones.

-No, I must awake you to this danger!

Come on, Jonesey, calm down. Get back into the ranks.

They might tip our heads back and pour gallons of water down us.

Oh, dear, I don't think I could stand much of that.

I volunteer to be tortured, sir!

I'd like to be a guinea-pig. I demand to suffer, sir!

-I demand to suffer, sir!

-Shut up!

-What did you do that for?

-Sorry, sir, but the Corporal was getting hysterical.

-All right, all right.

-Keep quiet!

-Now, I must warn you that whatever else happens...

-Excuse me, sir.

There is somebody lurking in the shadows.

-(Pretend you haven't seen him.

-Right, sir.)

-(Take it nonchalantly and change places with me.

-All right, sir.)

-All right, sir?

-All right, yes.

Now, I must point out to you...

Right, come out! Get your hands in the air!

-How dare you spy on us?

-I wasn't!

Your candle-light was flickering through the grating!

And don't point that gun at me!

-He must have heard everything.

-He'll squeal. Of course I won't!

You can't rely on him, sir.

Two drinks and he's a right blabbermouth.

You're right. We can't afford to take the risk.

I could screw him down in one of my coffins.

-He'd suffocate, Frazer.

-Well, if you're fussy, I could bore a wee hole.

-Back in your place, Frazer.

Shoot him, sir. You're entitled to.

Quiet, Pike. We'll have to take him with us and we must see he doesn't talk to anybody.

I can watch him if I help him in his shop.

He'll cheat the customers!

- That'll make two of us. - How DARE you?!

Captain Mainwaring, I could look after him at night.

Thank you, Godfrey.

- I'm not sleeping with him! - I don't snore!

-Hodges, you could be prosecuted for eavesdropping on us.

-Rubbish!

We've been picked for special duties. You are NOT ruining it.

You've got to be pretty special to be picked for special duties.

# If I only had wings... #

Special duties! Bah!

Do you mind?

Hoodwinked, that's what we've been, Wilson. I should have known not to trust that smarmy Captain Stewart.

You can't blame him, sir.

You would stick up for him. You both went to public schools.

You have got a bit of a chip on your shoulder about that.

What I HAVE got on my shoulder are three pips, and don't you forget it.

'Ere, Napoleon, I wouldn't have missed this for anything.

I'm glad I came now. "Highly secret special duties!"

It's a good job there's no cavalry, or you would've had your work cut out!

-Before you address Captain Mainwaring, remove that cigarette.

-Thank you, Wilson.

I don't like to see you being insulted by outsiders, sir.

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

Joe, I'll nip out and listen to "Hi, Gang!" on the wireless.

There's no radio out here.

That's what YOU think! My portable is hidden in the van.

Mr Mainwaring, now I know what they wanted the shovels for.

-We're ready to go now, Minister.

-Thank you, Colonel.

-What are those aerials?

-They pick up the radio waves that control it.

Amazing!

Hurry up, Joe.

Close the door. We don't want anyone to hear us.

- Where did you get it? - I made it myself, didn't I ?

- You're smarter than I thought. - I'm not just a pretty face!

- How can we listen on one pair of earphones? - It's easy. Like this!

- I can't hear anything. - It's got to warm up, hasn't it?

I can't wait to hear what Bebe and Ben are up to this week.

Do you think Vic Oliver really IS eighty-five?

The target's the concrete pill-box.

-Ready, Sergeant?

-Yes, sir!

-Are we all ready?

-Oh, yes.

-Off you go, Sergeant!

-Sir!

STEADY BLEEPING

She's off!

Single bleeps means forward. Turn left, Sergeant.

DOUBLE BLEEPS

She's responding! Turn right.

TRIPLE BLEEPS

Splendid! That's three bleeps!

Excellent, Colonel!

BURST OF STATIC

'Hi, gang!'

-What's that?

-I heard it on Saturday, sir. It's a repeat of "Hi, Gang!"

Sergeant?

-I'm getting interference, sir.

-Get rid of it, man!

-Yes, sir.

RAPID BLEEPING

-What's that?

-The signal for coming towards us, sir.

Take cover!

-I've got it under control now, sir.

-He's got it under control now.

-No, I haven't!

-No, he hasn't! Get back! Get back!

BLEEPING

Get the transport quickly!

-We must follow it.

-I've dismissed the transport, sir.

-You idiot!

-I've got my motorbike and Captain Mainwaring has a van.

-Right.

Tell Mainwaring to warn Walmington that it could be blown sky-high!

-Warn GHQ. We'll try to get it back here by radio.

-Very good, sir.

Thank goodness! That's the last.

-Excellent work.

-Don't take any notice of his soft-soap.

He's dropped you right in it.

Don't you talk to him like that!

-Captain Mainwaring, it's escaped!

-What has?

-The secret weapon.

-You must warn Walmington!

-Come on!

-What does it look like?

-It's a huge wheel with 2,000 lbs of explosive.

-It contains 2,000 lbs of explosive. Don't PANIC! Don't PANIC!

-Ssh!

Right, into the van, everybody.

Hurry up, men!

- There's someone coming! - Cover it up!

So you're skulking in here? Getting out of peeling tatties?

No!

- What's going on? - Walmington's going to be blown up if we don't get there on the dot!

- Hurry up, Grandad! - You ARE a vulgar and common man.

Mr Mainwaring?

What does the weapon look like?

-Wilson?

-Like a huge wheel.

-Like a huge wheel.

-Why do you ask, Pike?

-I think it's trying to pass us.

-What?!

-Shall I wave it on, sir?

-Get your foot down! It'll blow us up!

-Oh!

It's still following us!

Don't panic, Mr Mainwaring! Don't PANIC!

-Turn to the left. That'll fox it.

-Right, sir.

-It's still following us!

-I can't shake it off!

-It's as if it's being

attracted by something in the van.

-It's taken a fancy to the spare wheel!

-Go away, Walker. Turn left.

We've lost it, sir! We've lost it!

-Thank goodness!

-It looked as if it was ready to blow up.

-It looked angry, sir.

-How can an inanimate object look angry?

I don't know, but it's got a grudge against us.

-What if it does blow up, sir?

-That's not our problem, Wilson. We've got to warn Walmington.

Believe me, we've shaken it off.

Whoa! It's an ambush!

-Back up!

-I told you it's got a grudge against us, sir!

-Back down that side turning.

-It's stopping!

-We must immobilise it.

Right, everybody out!

Do you think this is wise, sir?

-We've got to immobilise it, Wilson.

-There are forces at work here we know very little about!

There's 2,000 lbs of high explosive in that thing.

-Stand by with your First Aid kit, Godfrey.

-You can rely on me, sir.

Come on, men!

-I'll immobilise it, sir. I'll give it a poke with the old cold steel.

-Oh, use your head, Jones!

I'd rather use the cold steel, sir.

- It's gone ever so quiet. - Perhaps it's sulking.

Keep calm! It's only a smoke-screen.

-Aah! Careful with that bayonet, you fool!

-I can't see where I'm going!

-AAH! He hurt me, Mr Mainwaring!

-Unfix that bayonet at once, Jones.

-What's happening, Mainwaring?

-It's been following us, sir.

-Where is it?

-There!

-It's gone!

-Where did all this smoke come from?

-From the secret weapon.

That was Phase Two. It will go into Phase Three next - the explosion.

Don't panic! Don't PANIC!

It's going into Phase Three! Don't panic, boys! It's going up!

-We must stop it!

-Why did it tack on to you? Have you got a radio?

-No, sir, I WAS going to get a gramophone, sir.

-All right, Jones.

-How can we put it out of action?

-It has two aerials. If you can chop those off, it's harmless.

-We can make out like Boadicea, sir!

-How do you mean?

Well, she put knives on her wheels, sir, then went along like this.

-Get a move on, Mr Mainwaring!

-All right, Jones.

OPEN, two, three. OUT, two, three. TURN, two, three.

Well done, Jones! We've done it!

-I've made contact, sir! I'm getting a signal.

-What's it sound like?

A sort of groan, sir.

-A fine time to run out of petrol!

-We've been driving for MILES!

Why don't we use that motorbike?

-One of us could sit in the sidecar with Pikey's portable radio.

-Portable radio?

I've just realised - that's what's been attracting the secret weapon!

You stupid boy! Why didn't you say something

-when he asked if we'd a radio?

-I didn't want to look a fool.

We wouldn't want you to make a fool of yourself, Frank.

You speak for yourself, Wilson, and stop mollycoddling the boy!

What's happening, Stewart?

-Captain Mainwaring's keeping it under observation.

-We will, too.

Now, look here, Wilson, I'm going to lure it back...

-I'm going to lure it back to the aerodrome.

-Right, sir. Don't get too close to it.

-I should have my head examined, driving this!

-Move off!

Good luck!

It was nice of that chap to lend you his bike.

-I dangled petrol coupons under his nose.

-Dangling!

-Dangling!

-What's dangling?

I thought of a way of putting that weapon out of action. Joe, get the shears. I'll get the tow-rope.

-Whatever you're going to do, I'm sure you shouldn't.

-It's a cinch!

There's a railway bridge up there. All we've got to do...

Turn the volume up, Pike.

Well done, Pike, it's responding!

Here they come!

Right, lower away!

-I hope this works, Sarge.

-So do I.

Captain Mainwaring, I shall chop off

its whatsit! ..I'm dangling!

- How much farther? - A bit more!

Home Service, Pike.

I'm dangling!

Done it!

-He's done it!

-That's it!

Get him down!

Come on, a bit more!

-Well done, Jones.

-I did it!

-Indeed.

Look!

Mr Mainwaring... Mr Mainwaring! I've killed it!

-Very promising first test.

-Some refinements are needed, sir.

You'll have to stop Bebe Daniels interfering with you, for a start!

That man's name, Captain?

Yes, sir.