A Brush with the Law Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game

# We are the boys who will make you think again

# Cos, who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

# But he comes home each evening And he's ready with his gun

# So, who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think old England's done? #

-Who are you calling?

-The wife. I'm going to be late.

Sorry. Emergency calls only.

-PHONE RINGS

-Hello? Frank, thanks for ringing back.

Yes. Lincoln, 3.15, Farmer's Boy. Ten bob each way. Ta-ta, Frank.

Right. What have you got then?

Not bad. Not bad at all.

-9.45, Miss Samways was showing a light from her bathroom window.

-Naughty!

AND using over 5 inches of water.

-Up to here.

-I'LL investigate that!

-Anything else?

-A bad one. 10.32, Church hall, uncurtained window. 60 watt bulb. The office.

Mainwaring! I've got him. I've got him!

-I'll say. Shining like a beacon for a whole hour. We had to break in to put it out.

-Get your coat on!

-Come round to the Police Station. I'll need a statement.

-But anyone can...

-Well done!

-But...

-Well done.

-I've got him!

-Put that light out! >

-You mind your own business.

There we are. That's it then. Corporal Jones's section is the railway siding and gasworks.

Good. What's that?

-By the way, Wilson.

-Hmm?

-Am I hurting you?

-I don't think so.

I should be. I'm standing on your hair.

It's an old one, but I still laugh.

I'm trying to tell you, get a haircut!

Mrs Pike thinks I look like Eden now.

-PHONE RINGS

-Answer that, Anthony.

Hello? Sgt Wilson here.

How very nice to hear from you. You're quite a stranger.

Oh, yes, he's here. Oh, yes.

-< LAUGHTER

-WE understand him, you know.

-All right, who is it?

-It's Captain Square, sir.

-Square?

Hello?

-Ah! Is that you, Main-wearing?

-Yes.

Well, I...em... HE CHORTLES

I hope you won't take this the wrong way, but... LAUGHING

When did you last inspect your platoon's firearms?

What's the reason for your enquiry?

Last night I bumped into a few of your chaps on patrol who looked scruffy

so I looked at their rifles.

-You did WHAT?

-I... I've never seen anything like it in my ENTIRE service!

Some of them almost had birds' nests in them!

-How DARE you inspect my men without my permission.

-Just as well I did.

The Colonel would have had you cashiered, even though you're a civilian.

-I hope you don't mind?

-I DO. Your attitude is intolerable.

-Don't take that tack!

-Interfere with my men and they'll arrest you.

-I'll put the receiver down on you.

-I'LL put it down on you.

-You won't!

Hello, hello, hello?

-He's put the receiver down on me.

-Had a little tiff?

This is YOUR fault, Wilson.

When did you last inspect the firearms?

-I gave them the once-over last week or the week before.

-Slacker!

Slacker! And you look a shambles.

-What?

-Fasten that collar up and have a rifle inspection.

-You're not a day-tripper!

-KNOCK ON DOOR

The men are fallen on parade, sir.

-Well, fall in after them, Jones.

-Sir. Sir.

-Jones has done it for you again.

-Right, sir.

Platoon, atten-shun!

Sorry, sir, you caught me on the hop, sir.

Fall in your place here. Forward ARMS!

Hup, two, three, bolt, two, three, back and butt.

Sorry, sir, what was that you said?

-For inspection, port arms!

-I was just about turning, sir, then when you gave your order...

Port arms, right, sir.

HUP, two, three... Two, three...

Hup, two, three. Hup, hup.

-Sorry, sir, that wasn't right. Shall I start again?

-Stay as you are.

It's been reported you're not keeping your rifles clean, so Sgt Wilson and I will inspect them.

Coming. Sorry, sir, but this hook thing is terribly stiff.

Because I haven't used it much.

Probably. Fall in! At the double! Now, inspect Jones's rifle.

Very good, sir. Do you mind if I have a little peep?

Not like that! You tap the muzzle of the rifle, the man brings his gun and his foot round SO.

-Like that, you see?

-I see, sir.

Well done, Jones.

Oh, that's awfully good, Jonesey. Very good indeed.

-You ought to have a little look.

-The British rifle has always been easy to clean.

Before the Lea-Enfield we had the Martini Henry, which was good.

-Thank you, Jones.

-We had them up to the battle of Ombin-mum.

-I'm sure you did.

-We were having this battle one day and this officer came from England.

And he said, "I'm Lt ffoulkes and I spell it with two small ffs."

And the Colonel asked him if he'd like a Lea Enfield or a Martini to go into battle with.

And he said, "A Martini but not too much ice."

To enjoy that joke you've got to know a Martini is a drink enjoyed by the gentry.

I did know that.

-The young officer got muddled up with that and the rifle.

-I know.

-He used to have it with ice - the drink not the rifle.

-I KNOW.

-I like a light ale myself.

-STOP talking!

-Right, Walker.

Oh, yes, that's awfully good. All sparkly. Just like fairyland, sir.

What on earth's the matter with you?

Walker! What's this? Jewellery on parade?

-It's real!

-See me afterwards.

-I can't get you one...

-That'll do.

There we are.

-How did you get rid of those marks there?

-I left Harpic in it overnight.

-How dare you introduce foreign matter into your barrel?

-It's English!

You've not heard the last of this!

-Sah!

-All right. All right. Don't go mad.

The barrel looks clean enough.

-Wish I could say the same for your thumb nail.

-Somebody has to grease the hearse.

Good evening.

What do you mean, good evening?

-Where's your rifle?

-I don't carry one, I carry the Red Cross haversack.

-So you do. Sorry.

-Perhaps you'd like to inspect my thermometer case?

-No.

Well, Sergeant, the rifles seem to be clean to me.

-That's him!

-There's a parade on.

-I identify Captain George Mainwaring - the fat one with glasses.

-I am Captain Mainwaring.

Go on! Give it to him!

- This is for you. - It's a blister! A blue one. A summons.

I thought there was something shady about him!

-What's the meaning of this?

-A light was blazing from your window! You'll be up before the beak!

It's obviously a mistake. I shall contact my solicitor at once.

Mark my words, Mainwaring is for the clink.

Now, look here, you can't lose sight of the evidence.

The light was on, he's in charge, so he'll be found guilty.

We can't let them take our captain to the stake and be pilloried.

No, it won't be as bad as that.

HE was last out. He's guilty. He should suffer!

We all left together. We're ALL guilty.

Every man has his price. Why don't we see the beak and straighten him?

You cannot bribe magistrates.

No, no, not with money, no. Scotch maybe.

The magistrate may be a lady. All right then... knicker elastic.

You CAN'T get it!

-Maybe there's a crooked D.A. like Warner Baxter.

-Just be quiet, Frank.

-It's the only thing I've said.

-Just keep quiet all the same.

-< If we say we left together they'll understand.

-Right! We've got to say the same story

even if we have to PURGE ourselves.

We've got to decide what we're going to say.

If that fails, we'll rig the Grand Jury so he beats the rap.

-Is that you, Mr 'Odges?

-Yes.

-Is anyone listening?

-I am.

-Anyone else?

-This isn't the Albert Hall!

-Don't proceed against Mainwaring.

-What?

-Do what?

-Don't proceed against him.

-I'm not. The police are.

-I don't think he's done it.

-Why?

-Someone else might have switched it on.

Listen, verger, it's taken me months to nail him so keep your trap shut

or someone might mention why you keep the stirrup pump in your hall.

-Right...

-On the evening of the 7th, we paraded in the Church hall as usual.

At 9.45, we all left together and Cpt Mainwaring turned off the light in the office.

-At 9.45...

-Do try and keep up. Now, let's do it once more.

-Right.

-On the evening of the 7th we paraded in the hall as usual...

-..in the office.

-Oh...

-..and Cpt Mainwaring put the light out in the office. I got it right!

-Well done, Jones.

Remember it in court 'cos they'll try and make you say things you don't mean.

I won't talk whatEVER they do to me. I won't!

-Morning, sir.

-I'm touched you turned up for me.

-I have come to speak the truth.

-I hope you've all come to do that.

Your solicitor hasn't arrived yet.

-I've discharged him.

-Was that wise?

-He wanted me to plead guilty and I won't!

-You go down fighting.

-I'm not going down at all! I'm going to win!

-Here to say farewell, are you?

-Ignore him.

-I am doing.

Serves you right if they give you a month. Come down off your high horse then.

-Uncle Arthur, if Mr Mainwaring is sent to jail, will Mum let us speak to him?

-It won't come to that.

-She wouldn't let you speak to the share-pusher's wife.

-That was different.

Now, I'm going in there and I'm going to conduct my own defence.

I shall call on you to bear witness on my behalf.

I shall tell the truth.

Good luck. I shall always have the most happy memories of you.

If you DO find yourself in the nick I can get it easy for you.

All right, Walker, thanks very much.

-You'd better come in, Wilson.

-Aren't you calling me as a witness?

-No, you're too vague. The police solicitor would make mincemeat of you.

-Oh?

Right, lads, once again.

ALL TOGETHER: On the evening of the 7th...

- I must see Captain Mainwaring! - He's gone into court.

Have they sentenced him? Not yet. I may not be too late.

You'd better sit here, Wilson.

-Then you can hand me my speeches as I need them.

-Of course, sir.

-My goodness! Have you brought sandwiches?

-Facetiousness doesn't suit you, Wilson.

Oh, good morning, sir.

-Chief Clerk.

-Oh, I see.

-Good morning.

-I'M here to answer the summons.

Be upstanding in court.

The magistrates are coming in.

-So sorry. Beg your pardon.

-For heaven's sake!

Oh, good lord!

-Come on, sir.

-Well, give me a hand up.

Come along. That's it. Are you all right now, sir?

Good heavens!

Get it, quick as you can, that's it. You all right now?

Carry on, Mr Bone!

Captain George Mainwaring.

Yes, that's me.

-Are you a solicitor?

-No, I'm answering the charge.

-You're the accused?

-Yes.

You should be up there in the dock.

Up here, mate, up here!

I apologise to the court.

-Where are you going?

-The time has come. I must speak.

-Sit down and shut up!

I should draw attention to the court that the accused is known to me.

I'm sure we can rely on you not showing any favour, Captain.

I shall show NO favour whatever!

Have you any objection to your case being heard by me?

-I'd rather...

-Good! Let's proceed.

-Are you Captain George Mainwaring of 23 Lime Crescent, Walmington-on-Sea?

-I am.

Of course he isn't! He's a Home Guard. He's plain Mr Main-wearing, aren't you?

-I...

-Strike that. Read the charge.

You are charged under Section 23 of the Emergency Powers Act,

that on the 7th of September, 10.32 in the evening,

you showed an unobscured light in the Church hall

-in contravention of the said Act. How do you plead?

-Not guilty.

Damn waste of time. Anybody appearing for you?

No. I shall rely on honesty and the integrity of British justice.

Will you indeed? Proceed, Mr Wintergreen.

I'd like to call Warden Adamson.

Call Warden Adamson. Call Warden Adamson. Warden Adamson.

What's happening, Joe? One of Hodges' wardens is in the box.

Mainwaring is done for.

I'M going to speak up for him.

That's ALL he needs!

(We had to make an entrance into the hall.)

-I couldn't hear that.

-He's saying he broke in.

-Broke in?

-And what about the 60 watt bulb. And speak up!

Don't butt in. HE's the witness, not you.

Kindly stop chatting to your friends.

-He keeps butting in.

-I'm repeating what he's saying.

-What's it to do with you?

Keep quiet! Mr Wintergreen, have you finished? Yes, thank you.

-Mr Main-wearing, have you any questions to ask the witness?

-Yes.

-What are they?

-I don't know.

-What do you mean, you don't know?

-My papers are down there and I'm up here.

-Come and get 'em!

-Tell them about the 60 watt bulb.

-You've been told to be quiet!

I am quite capable of maintaining order!

Your Grace, I wish to tell... < SIT DOWN!

Thank you.

-Got your papers?

-Yes, sir.

Where are you going?

-I'm going back to the dock.

-Stay where you are.

You can conduct your case from here and go to the dock for the sentence.

Oh!

So sorry, so sorry. For the VERDICT. Slip of the tongue, you know.

Don't sprawl about the desk like that, Wilson.

I need room to make my gestures.

Carry on with your questions.

Just there, sir, you passed it.

-There. That's it.

-Ah, yes.

Now then, Mr Adamson.

No questions, m'lord.

Back to you, Mr Wintergreen.

Call the Reverend Timothy Farthing.

Call Reverend Timothy Farthing. Reverend Timothy Farthing.

-Who's on now, Joe?

-The vicar.

Here! You'll never guess who the magistrate is. Captain Square.

What did I tell you? Mr Mainwaring will do time. It'll be the finish of him.

No, he'll be a gentleman and unbiased.

Just a minute, ALL gentlemen are not unbiased. Lord Kitchener was a gentleman but not unbiased.

Specially with the fuzzy-wuzzies. "Shoot them", he said. And you can't get more biased than that.

I have the hall until 5 o'clock and then Captain Mainwaring has it till midnight.

Who is responsible for the hall at 10.30?

-Captain Mainwaring.

-We got him!

Stop calling him Captain! He's a bank clerk.

I'm not a CLERK, I'm a manager.

-It's the same thing.

-It's not.

-Have you any questions?

-No.

-You did plead not guilty, didn't you?

-I did.

I see. Proceed, Mr Wintergreen.

Since the fact of the light showing

and the responsibility has not been challenged, I shall call no further witnesses.

The elements of the charge seem to be proved. I quite agree.

-Are you calling any witnesses?

-Yes, m'lord.

-What for?

I intend to prove that I extinguished the light

and that it was switched on again by some person unknown.

-I can't see that'll help you, but get on with it.

-I call Mr Jack Jones.

Call Mr Jack Jones. Mr Jack Jones.

Jonesey, come on, that's you.

Yes...

Listen, come here.

Remember - on the evening of the 7th, we paraded in the church hall as usual.

At 9.45, we all left together and Mr Mainwaring switched off the light in the office.

Come on.

-Aren't you going to ask for an adjournment so you can be properly represented?

-Nonsense.

-I intend to call 22 witnesses to prove I extinguished that light.

-But you'll still be responsible.

-On the evening of the 7th...

-< Wait a minute!

-You haven't taken the oath yet. Take the book in your right hand.

-Thank you.

And read the words on the card.

-What card?

-The card in your left hand.

I've to read the book in my right hand and swear in my left hand.

-Get on with it, Jones.

-They don't half make the print small!

-Say after me...

-After me.

< No, no, no.

-Repeat, repeat, repeat.

-Yes, sir.

I swear by Almighty God... HE REPEATS

that the evidence I shall GIVE

-shall be the WHOLE truth.

-shall be the WHOLE truth.

-Now, get on with it.

-On the evening...the evening of the 7th...

-Just a minute.

-He'll tell you when.

You are Jack Jones, butcher, of High Street, Walmington-on-Sea.

Pardon?

I said you are Jack Jones, butcher, of 19 High Street, Walmington-on-Sea.

I know I am.

So do we. Get on with it!

Tell the court what happened on that night.

-Yes. On that night...

-Don't tell him, tell the court. All of us.

On...the night of the 45th...

I went out in the light and I put Captain Mainwaring out together.

No, no, no, Jones. On the evening of the...

I MUST object. Not only is this man leading the witness but he shouldn't even be here.

-I must apologise. Be quiet.

-I'm trying to help.

-Mr Main-wearing,

-I

-tell people to be quiet.

It's like watching a man committing suicide.

What's happened to Joe?

He's gone out. Deserted the sinking ship.

No. He said he thought he could fix the magistrate.

Maybe he's rounding up mobsters to rub out the judge.

- I do hope not. - Joe's in the box now.

It was like this, I was walking past the hall 20 minutes after we all left and the light was off.

Then it was switched on as I passed.

Rather unexpected turn of evidence here, m'lord.

Em...at what time did this occur?

-That's hard to say.

-Why?

-Let's face it, sir, I'm a crook.

I wouldn't quite put it like that.

No. Nearly everything I do is just a little bit over the edge of the law.

On this occasion I'd been delivering black-market whisky, >

to a secret address...nearby.

Have you got it? Of course I have.

Don't let anybody see you leave.

No.

If only I could remember the name of this geezer I gave those bottles to he could verify the truth.

Yes, yes, quite. One moment.

An element of doubt has crept into this case.

I think we should dismiss the charge.

On the contrary, it seems an open and shut case. So glad you agree.

Mr Main-wearing, there seems to be a confliction of stories.

-I can't stand this, I did it!

-Shut up.

-No. The truth must out.

-I was doing some work.

-In my office?

Yes. You see, I'm writing my mem-ores.

-YOUR mem-ores?!

-Why shouldn't I?

Noel Coward did.

There you are! I knew I was right.

Case dismissed. You are free to leave

without a stain on your character, Captain MainWARING!

I never doubted you for one second!

It was just like that film with John Garfield.

Thank you very much indeed, men.

But never forget that this is what we're fighting for.

The fair play, honesty and integrity of British justice.

Subtitles by Hazel Nairn. BBC Scotland. 1991.