Brain versus Brawn Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think we're on the run

# We are the boys who will stop your little game

# We are the boys who will make you think again

# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think old England's done

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21

# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think old England's done. #

-Sir?

-Oh, sherry! Thank you very much. Quite a treat.

-Only one glass each, I'm afraid.

-Good evening, sir.

Hello, Wilson. Very glad to have you here as my guest.

Some of the most influential people in Walmington-on-Sea are here.

-I say, that's our Chairman over there.

-Is it really? Fascinating.

Thank you so much, my dear. Very kind of you.

-I say, what a very pretty brooch.

-Thank you. It was my granny's.

Was it really? It matches the colouring of your hair so well.

Thank you, sir. I'll slip you another one when you've finished.

-Thank you. That's very sweet of you.

-Wilson! Never mind the waitress.

-Sorry?

-I'm pointing the Chairman out to you. He's looking over this way. I think I've caught his eye.

He's the Managing Director of "Precision Extrusions", you know.

-Is he really?

-You can ingratiate yourself there.

Good evening, sir.

-This is my Chief Clerk Wilson.

-Arthur, isn't it?

-George...

-Yes.

I'm Tony Fairbrother. We were at school together.

-Were we really?

-Yes, we shared a study for three terms.

-Did we? Yes, I remember now.

How very nice to see you! Good heavens!

Wilson has been my Chief Clerk for eight years.

-Steven's here. Steven Sebag.

-Really?

-Of course he's SIR Steven now.

-Of course he is.

-Come and see him. He's as bald as a coot.

-Is he really?

-Grass never grows on a busy street, does it?

-Excuse us, Mainington.

It's Mainwaring actually.

Yes, I think I did. I let him off in the end, I think. Do sit down.

Hello, Bathurst. Golf all right?

Good.

Good evening, Captain Mainwaring.

Jones! Nice to see you representing the butchers of Walmington-on-Sea.

-I'm representing the Athletics Association tonight as well.

-Really?

Mr Cutforth, their official, had to go to the Derby and Joan Club.

That's what I like about these gatherings.

-Everyone represents a profession or a craft.

-'Evening, Cap.

What are YOU doing here?

Why shouldn't I be here?

-I didn't know "under the counter" dealing was a profession.

-No, but it's a craft.

If it wasn't for me you wouldn't be drinking sherry.

And those chicken croquettes you'll have later would've been made of whalemeat...not rabbit.

Hello, Joe. 'Evening, Mr Jones.

-'Evening, sir.

-'Evening, Colonel.

Sorry, Mainwaring. I didn't see you.

Thank you, my dear.

-Ready for the scheme on Saturday?

-Scheme?

-Oh, you're not taking part.

-Why aren't we taking part?

-Yes, how come we've been taken short?

It was the training Major's idea.

He's forming a Home Guard Commando Unit, from the younger, fitter chaps.

Yes, I did hear something about it.

He wants a striking force to operate behind enemy lines. Winkling out petrol dumps, and blowing them up.

-Yeah, we sent Pikey to HQ for an interview.

-Did he get in?

No. He couldn't find HQ.

The whole thing's a farce. We're not commandos. Never will be.

Why not? I can winkle out things as well as them young chaps. I'm a very good winkler.

Brains and local knowledge are our weapons. Not muscle and brawn.

I agree. I was dead against it.

-It is a bit of an insult to the older campaigners.

-I feel very spurned.

Take your seats, please, gentlemen!

-Well, we'd better be going in.

-Yes.

-Would you chaps like to take part and prove your point?

-Yes. Why not! We're game for anything.

-Always game, sir.

-I'll see if I can get the Major to agree.

We'll talk about it after dinner. >

Oh, is that my sherry? Thank you so much. That's very kind of you. So thoughtful. Thank you.

I say, Wilson. Wilson!

-Wilson!

-Thank you so much.

-Wilson!

-Most kind.

-Wilson!

-Sorry, sir.

Can't you leave that girl alone?

# Here we are again, happy as can be

# All good pals And jolly good company... #

Now, our job is to place that bomb...

either in or as near as we can get to the O.C.'s office which is in this little hut here.

The bomb we'll use is represented by this can... Have you got it? The bomb?

-Yes.

-Well, show it to them. Hold it up.

-Oh, right, right.

The bomb.

I've 150 of them if anyone wants one.

Now, Sergeant Wilson and I did a recce of this place yesterday,

and believe you me, the security here is absolutely first-class.

The Home Guard Commandos won't get anywhere near it. It needs brains.

And ingenuity, sir. Ingenuity is useful for getting folk into things.

That's quite right, Jones. A platoon of infantry are on guard at here.

All round the petrol dump is a 12-foot high barbed wire fence,

which overhangs at the top and is quite unclimbable.

-You could lean a ladder against it.

-The guards might become suspicious.

Not if we dressed up as window cleaners.

Don't be silly! There are no windows in barbed wire.

-Could we not...fling it, sir?

-What?

The bomb. Could we not fling it?

-That's right, Taffy. Give it a Highland fling.

-All right!

-I'm just making a suggestion.

-Pay attention!

The distance between the hut and the wire is 35 yards.

But Corporal Jones tried some tests in throwing.

Yes, sir. My first attempt only went 12 yards.

So I got hold of it by the handle and I whirled myself round like a whirling dervish.

They do it in a trance. They do it in a trance, do whirling dervishes.

I whirled myself round. Then I got dizzy, sir. Probably because I wasn't in a trance.

And then the handle came off.

Yes, well, I don't think it would work.

In any case we're jumping the gun because, first of all,

we are to be dumped along this road as though we were parachutists.

-Will we be wearing parachutes?

-Don't be so stupid!

It's not so stupid. Parachutists wear parachutes.

Don't be impertinent, Pike!

Our job is get across this river, over the bridge or by any other way.

Captain Mainwaring, I'm rather anxious not to do any swimming.

Pontoons, sir. That's what we need.

-Aye, pontoons, sir.

-Yes, unfortunately we don't have any.

We could use Mr Frazer's coffins.

If you go on being silly, Pike, I shall send you home.

Why can't we walk across the bridge?

-Because the bridge and the river are guarded by the Royal West Kents.

-Good answer.

-Right.

Bluff, sir. That's what we must use. Bluff. That's what we need. Bluff.

And ingenuity, sir. Ingenuity.

I don't mind dressing up as a nun.

I did it once at a fancy dress ball and they said I looked awfully holy.

Did they?

Young Pikey could be the novice, and Jonesy the Mother Superior.

-OK!

-We're always reading about parachutists dressing up as nuns. They'd see through it straightaway.

That's where the ingenuity comes in. We could be walking along as a nun crocodile.

We could go along nonchalantly, and the guards would say to themselves,

"they can't be artificial nuns,

"or we would think they were parachutists. They'll be real nuns, ventilating themselves in the air."

So they'll bless us and let us pass.

I don't think that's very practical.

In any case, it isn't easy to get nuns' habits these days.

-Joe could get some from the nuns at the orphanage.

-No, I don't do business with them.

Except for providing the orphans. Except for...

That's liable, that is.

Frank here has got a suggestion.

-Yes, what is it?

-No, you'll just say I'm being silly.

Not unless you are being silly.

-It's about coffins.

-Oh, yes...

-If we pretend to be a funeral, they'd let us cross the bridge.

-Yes, they probably would.

But that's no help because they don't have funerals in petrol dumps.

-Unless they blow up.

-Unless they... I shan't tell you again, Walker.

Whatever gets us across that bridge has to get us into the petrol dump.

Hang on. Hang on just a second.

Now I've got a shed round about here where I keep my essential supplies.

If we go there, and you keep your trap shut, maybe I can help you.

You can rely on our discretion.

Keep your hands to yourself, though.

I don't want anything nicked. That's how I got it in the first place.

-Just explain the plan. Nobody will take your property.

-What we do is...

# Here we are again, happy as can be, Good pals and jolly good company. #

Right, in here when you've got your uniforms on.

Put your helmet on, Pike.

But I can't see with it on. Look.

Try it the other way round.

They're awfully rough on the neck.

You've been mollycoddled too much.

How did you get that fine machine? I offered the fire station ten quid for it.

I'll ask him about it, boys.

-Excuse me, Captain Mainwaring.

-Yes?

-Can you clear up a technical point?

Where do you want these axe handles dangling? On the left or right rump?

-The left, please.

-On the left rump. On the left rump! Dangle on the left rump, please!

All right, Jones. Jones! Corporal!

-Yes, sir.

-That's enough.

-Right, sir.

Let's go through the plan once more.

-Come on, Godfrey.

-It's the trousers. There are no buttons for my braces.

-Can't you wear a belt?

-Trousers hang better from braces.

It's not a fashion parade, Godfrey.

-Right, at ten minutes past three...

-15.10, sir.

-What did you say?

-15.10.

-Never mind that.

At ten past three we all move out.

Two minutes later a fire will start outside the wire to the petrol dump.

I took care of that. I dumped a load of old cases and two drums of oil outside the wire.

-Good. Right, so at twelve...three...

-15.12, sir.

At 3:12, our secret agent will push the barrow of paraffin-soaked hay

into the pile...and ignite it.

-Is the secret agent laid on?

-Yes.

-I think it's safe to disclose the identity of our agent now.

-Yes.

-Who is it?

-The Verger.

-The Ver...

-Have you gone mad?

-No, sir.

-I thought it was to be Mrs Pike.

She couldn't decide what to wear.

-The Verger will get it all wrong.

-I wrote it all down for him and gave him ten bob. I'm sure he'll be fine.

-Be it on YOUR head.

-As usual.

-Yes.

This fire will help us to bluff our way across the bridge. When we reach the fire, what do you do, Frazer?

My party unloads yon ladder and sets it up near the wire.

The rest of us create a hullabaloo around the fire with our hoses.

While Joe is hullabalooing, I shall shinny up the ladder unseen.

I'll have the bomb on the end of this rope, sir.

I shall then sling it on to the roof of the hut like a linesman swinging the lead.

When I say "linesman", I don't mean a football linesman.

When I say "swinging the lead", I don't mean a chap skiving.

I mean a seafaring linesman, sir.

They had a bit of tallow on the end, so they could see what their bottoms were like. Did you know that?

-As it happens, yes.

-I wish you'd said, or I wouldn't...

All right, all right! Right, everyone to their posts.

Mr Mainwaring, can I drive the fire engine, please?

-Don't be ridiculous, Pike!

-Can I ring the bell, then?

-I'm ringing the bell.

-Get to your place, boy.

- Can someone give me a hand? - I need a hand too.

Come on, up you get, Godfrey.

Now you, Frazer.

Hold on tight while you're there.

-Right, off you go, Wilson.

-I can manage all right, sir. Thank you.

Right.

-Wait a minute, sir. I'll give you a shoulder.

-Give me a hand, Wilson.

Ups-a-daisy!

-Are you all right, sir?

-I beg your pardon, sir. I upped you a bit much.

-All right, all right.

-Very sorry, sir.

-You all right, sir?

-Of course I am! Get round to your place.

-Yes, sir.

-All right there at the back?

-Yes!

-Right, stand by!

-Hold on a minute. I'm not quite at the ready, sir.

-Oh, for...!

Hang on a minute.

Come on, Mr Jones!

Sir, if I shout "one, two, three",

-you give me a bit of an urge up.

-Yes, all right.

-Give him a hand, Wilson.

-Yes, sir.

Wait a minute. Look, there's a fire extinguisher in case the fire engine catches fire.

-These firemen are very cautious men. Do you know when I...

-Get up there!

Come along, Jones. That's it. Well done.

-Stand by, everybody. Stand by.

-BELL RINGS

Aagh!

You all right, sir? Try and be brave.

Come on. Up you get. Well done.

-Are you all right, Mr Mainwaring?

-Of course I'm all right! Why are you standing there, Pike?

-You needed help.

-Get back up there!

-Honestly, I can't do a thing right. "Moan, moan, moan".

-No back chat either.

-All right!

Off we go.

-BELL RINGS

-Fire! Fire! Don't panic!

Quiet!

I'm sorry, sir. I can't hear you say anything because of the noise of the bell.

-Don't ring the bell till I say "go".

-"Go". Right, sir.

-Mr Mainwaring.

-You can't go.

-Why not?

-The doors are closed.

-Open them when we're ready.

Don't start the engine yet, sir!

Cos we might breathe in poisonous gases and get sophisticated.

Pike!

-Open the doors.

-It's different now you want me to do something.

-Go on!

AIR RAID SIREN WAILS

-Here they come.

-That's good. It'll divert the guards on the bridge.

Very true, Frazer. Right, hang on.

Here we go!

-BELL RINGS

-Fire! Don't panic!

-Stop it!

-You said "go", so I dinged my dinger.

-Well, don't ding the dinger till we're on the move.

-Right, sir.

-The doors are open.

-How many times must I tell you to go to your place!

-You told me to open the doors!

-Don't argue.

-Everything I do is wrong!

ENGINE STARTS

-Ow! Stop!

-What's the matter?

-You...

-Why are you wet like that?

-You squirted me with water!

-Don't be ridiculous!

-You did!

Stop it!

Sergeant Wilson, push that lever. It throws the pump out.

-Wilson, push that lever. It throws the pump out.

-That's what I'm doing.

-If I tell you again, I'll leave you behind. Now get up there.

-I couldn't care less.

ENGINE STARTS

-This engine runs well.

-So it should. The same petrol's put in Spitfires.

-Good Lord!

-BELL RINGS

-Fire! Fire! Don't panic!

That's the lot. If I found out who dumped them, his feet wouldn't touch.

Don't panic! Don't panic!

Don't panic! Fire! Fire!

Don't panic! Don't panic!

-Fire!

-Everything hinges now on the Verger.

"Push barrow among pile of packing cases."

Excuse me!

Did you see a pile of cases here? >

Yeah. They've been driven away. Were they yours?

No. I was just interested in them for a friend.

"Light paper in barrow...

"Shout fire. Run to the guard room and send for fire brigade."

Fire! Fire!

Fire! >

Fire!

Send for the fire brigade. What for? I've put it out. What's your game then?

- What's yours? - You're not mentioned here. Hop it!

-Don't panic!

-There's the bridge straight ahead.

I don't see any smoke. It should be over there.

Ruddy hell!

Better check it out, lads. There's no telling what those old baskets will get up to.

The smoke's coming from over there.

-He's lit the fire in the wrong place.

-They're stopping us.

-I'll deal with this.

Just making sure there's no Home Guards hiding.

-Don't be ridiculous. There's a fire.

-What are those hens doing?

Laying eggs. Drive on, driver.

Don't just stand there. Catch those hens.

BELL RINGING

It's over there. Over there!

-Damn, it's Hodges.

-You're quick. I haven't sent for you yet.

-Out the way, Hodges.

-Why are you dressed as a fireman?

-Let us through.

-No, you don't. That Jerry plane dropped incendiaries.

There's a house on fire. Drive on.

Get the ladder off and the hoses.

Don't stand there gawping, Pike. Get the small hose out.

-Get a move on. This house'll be burnt down in a minute.

-Mind your own business... Hoses!

You're going too fast, boy!

Mr Mainwaring, would you mind turning the tap on, please?

You've pulled it out of the socket!

Could someone help me to the ground?

There's no time for that!

-Go away!

-We've hooked up the hydrant.

-But there's no twiddler.

-No what?

-The metal part. The iron thing. Like a big sardine key.

You put it in the ground, twiddle it, and all the water flourishes out.

-This is it, Mr Mainwaring.

-Don't stand there with it, boy. Get it round to the hydrant.

-All set back here, sir!

-Good.

Why aren't you doing something? Grab hold of that.

-Get it over there.

-Yes, Captain.

-Captain Mainwaring, I wonder if...

-Well done, Godfrey. Hang on there.

-Wilson!

-Sorry, sir.

-What are you doing there?

I thought you'd ask me to start something or stop something.

-Well, stand by to rev up.

-All right, sir.

-Come on, Pikey. Get twiddling.

-All right, Mr Jones.

That's right.

Keep turning, Pike!

-I'm getting all wet.

-Never mind that. Keep turning.

Keep twiddling and it'll all come out in a flourish over there.

-I'm the one who's getting wet, not you.

-Do as you're told.

Standing by this end, sir.

Send the water through.

-Rev her up, Sergeant.

-Is anything happening?

-There's a lever there somewhere, I think.

-Is there? Ah!

-Nothing's coming through. Tell them to hurry up.

-Let's see. There's probably an obstruction in the pipe.

There we are. Let's go and help.

No sign of any foreign body there. Turn the valve off, Frazer.

Maniacs! What are you doing? Maniacs!

-Pikey, you poke your finger in that hole.

-No. You put YOUR finger in it.

No. I'm not going to get wet.

-Stop it!

-Put your finger in the hole.

-It's not coming out the hole.

That's it under control. We'll soon have it out now.

You're a man of many parts.

This disguise was to get us into the dump. Hitler spoilt our plans.

Don't worry. The Commandos got caught and your other plan worked perfectly.

-Other plan?

-The Major was waiting in the hut to see what happened.

-You should have seen his face when the parcel arrived on his desk, and he opened it to find a bomb.

-Parcel?

I posted it yesterday, sir. Like Sergeant Wilson said.

Well done, Walker.

He said it was cheating, but I said it just proves the point. Brains very often beat brawn.

I'd back my ingenuity against muscle any day.

-Whoa! Help!

-Wilson, lend a hand! Walker!

-Can't hold it. Hang on!

-It's gone mad.

Wilson! Walker! It's out of control!