When Did You Last See Your Money? Dad's Army


When Did You Last See Your Money?

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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game,

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# We are the boys who will make you think again,

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# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21,

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# But he comes home each evening,

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# And he's ready with his gun.

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# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think old England's done? #

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Thank you very much, madam. One, two, three, four. Thank you.

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-Morning, Mrs Bins.

-Morning. >

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-Everything all right?

-Yes, thank you.

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Bye-bye. Goodbye. >

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Bye-bye?

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The proper way to address a customer is "Good morning, madam", not "Bye-bye".

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-What are all these clips?

-Sorry.

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-And why aren't these rubber stamps in the rack?

-I was just going to...

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This counter is a disgrace. If Head Office saw it, they'd have a fit.

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-I run a tidy bank, Pike. Don't forget that.

-Yes, sir.

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"Good morning, madam." "Good morning, MADAM."

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< "Good morning, madam."

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-Morning, Pikey.

-< "Good morning, madam."

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< Morning, Mr Jones.

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There we are, Pikey.

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I say...

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..business as usual, eh? That's the ticket.

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-Take more than Jerry bombs to put Mr Mainwaring out of action.

-We're tidying up quick as we can.

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That's a soldier's most important order. When on active duty, be tidy!

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-Morning, Wilsey!

-Morning, Jonesy. Have you got a paper-clip, please, Frank?

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-I've just tidied those up, Uncle Arthur.

-All right. I only want one. Heavens above!

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RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT

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Come in.

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KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK

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-I said, "Come in."

-So sorry, sir.

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The door's stuck. It won't...

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It won't open.

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Sorry, sir, but it seems to have gone...

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-..out of true.

-It needs a shoulder to it. A bit of effort.

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-Your trouble is you've got flabby. Out of the way.

-Right.

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Simple, you see. It just needed a bit of beef.

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-Thank you very much, sir.

-Well, come in.

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I'm sorry, sir. It's still stuck.

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Come round the side!

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Well, sir... I've brought all the papers that you wanted to see.

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Oh, yes. I want to have a good look at these.

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-Awfully wet in here.

-The tarpaulin is full of last night's rain.

-I see.

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-Don't poke it! You'll make it worse.

-So sorry, sir.

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Why can't you leave things alone?

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How can I work with water all over the place?

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Oh...!

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Leave it!

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So sorry, sir. Beg your pardon.

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-And shut that window.

-Right, sir.

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There we are, sir.

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-Now, sir, is that better?

-No.

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Why do you put up with it? Why don't you go to the stockroom? That's not damaged at all.

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-Go down to the stockroom?!

-Yes. Why not?

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-Wilson.

-Yes, sir?

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-You see that chair?

-Yes, I do.

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-That's MY chair. The manager's chair.

-Yes.

-And that's MY desk and MY office.

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I wasn't made manager overnight.

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-It was a long, hard struggle.

-Right, sir.

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Office boy, clerk, assistant chief clerk, chief clerk, deputy manager,

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and finally, manager.

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It's taken 25 years to get my office and no foreigner will throw me out of it. What do you think of that?

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Um, can I come under your umbrella?

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-There's only room for one.

-It's getting very damp.

-You shouldn't go about poking things.

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-Let's get on.

-Right, sir.

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-I'll tell you another thing about the fuzzy-wuzzies.

-Sorry, Mr Jones.

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I've got a lot of work to do, and Mr Mainwaring is in an awful mood.

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-Do you have any more money to pay in?

-I'll say I have - £500.

-£500?!

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Yes. All us local shopkeepers had a collection for the new servicemen's canteen here in Walmington, you see.

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Yesterday, the chairman, Dick Billings, came round with the final amount, £500, to my shop.

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-Why'd he give it to you?

-I'm the treasurer.

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I'll put it in my account, and tomorrow I'll hand a cheque to the mayor personally.

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-Why did you wrap it up?

-It's £500. That's a lot of money.

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I don't want to get robbed, do I?

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I thought if I wrapped it up, people might think it was sausages.

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It IS sausages.

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AAGH!

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Do hold that still. I'm getting soaked.

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-I'm not exactly dry myself, sir.

-Mr Mainwaring!

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Come quick, Mr Mainwaring!

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How DARE you burst in like that?!

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-It's an emergency.

-Pike!

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And how dare you come through the wall!

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I won't have staff walking through that wall. Come in again properly.

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-Go on.

-Yes, sir.

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-KNOCK-KNOCK

-Come in.

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Sorry, Mr Mainwaring, but... HE WHISTLES

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-What are you doing?!

-It's unlucky to open an umbrella indoors.

-Stupid boy!

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What do you want?

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-Oh! Mr Jones is on the floor. He has fainted.

-All right...

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FAINTED?!

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-Leave that to me.

-All right, sir.

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Go round the side.

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All right, help me get him up.

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-All right, Jonesy.

-Oohh!

-You'll be all right.

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-Up you get. There you are.

-Where am I?

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-Turn round.

-All right, Jonesy.

-That's it.

-Oohh!

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-Whatever happened?

-Oohh dear!

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-Oh! I lost...I lost £500. I lost £500! I put it somewhere.

-What's he talking about, Pike?

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He came in to pay in £500, and it had turned into half a pound of sausages.

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It's awful, Mr Mainwaring. Awful!

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All right, Jonesy. Keep calm and try to tell us exactly what happened.

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-I had this £500 for the canteen... and it wasn't.

-Wasn't what?

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There! It was half a pound of sausages.

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-What did you do with it?

-I had it in my shop wrapped up in newspaper.

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-You must have picked up the wrong packet.

-Yes, that's it.

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-You go back to your shop and look for it, and I'll see you on parade.

-You're quite right, Mr Mainwaring.

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You've always been my maternal support. Thank you.

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-I'll find it.

-Course you will.

-I put it somewhere.

-Off you go.

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-What about these, Mr Mainwaring?

-I'll take charge of those.

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Poor Jonesy's in a terrible state.

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He's been in my shop about 25 times. In-out, in-out. He's turned it upside down.

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Was it at your place?

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He can't have left it there. He hasn't been in for weeks.

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He won't take no notice. He ferrets about saying, "I've left it somewhere." I can't make it out.

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I can.

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The man's gone potty.

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Mind you, I've seen this coming.

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Jones is senile, and the shock of losing this money, it's tilted his brain.

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He's no longer capable of carrying on his duties as corporal.

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Mind you...

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..the question is, who's going to take his place, eh?

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Well, I'M next in line!

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I'm going to see Captain Mainwaring.

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You're being heartless, Mr Frazer. That is a bit strong.

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It's practical.

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There's a war on. You cannae stop for mental casualties.

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Hello. Jonesy found his money yet?

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No. He's been going back and forth from his shop to the bank all day.

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He nearly got run over twice.

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Walker, has Jonesy arrived?

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Not yet.

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Oh Lord! I do hope he's all right.

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Well, would you all mind falling into three ranks, please?

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As quickly as you can. Thank you so much. In three nice, neat lines.

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That's absolutely lovely. Thank you so much. Come along, Godfrey. Platoon.

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Properly at ease. Platoon, ATTENTION!

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STAND AT ease!

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That's very good.

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Where's Jones?

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I've no idea, sir.

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We'll have to carry on. Stand easy.

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Pay attention.

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Private Sponge - take charge of Two Section.

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-Jones, you're late.

-I'm sorry, sir.

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It's not under there. It's not there.

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It wouldn't be in there. I know it wouldn't.

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I know where it might be. It might be up here. I came up here once.

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Jones! Corporal! Fall in.

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It's not up here, sir.

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-Fall in quickly.

-I know I put it somewhere.

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-I put it somewhere.

-On my command... Corporal!

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Pay attention!

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I'm sorry, sir. I'm not feeling myself, today.

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He's been feeling himself since he came in (!)

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Give it a rest.

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On the command "Fall out", Sections Two and Three will go out on patrol.

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Number One Section will gather round me.

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Fall out!

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I'd like to apologise, sir. I've had a terrible day, sir.

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Since I lost the money, I'm all to pieces. I'm no good for anything.

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Ha! Precisely. May I remind you, Captain, I am next in line for his stripe.

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That will do, Frazer.

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Can't we help?

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Get some chairs and bring them round.

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Now, we have to get you to remember what you did with that money.

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Yes, sir. Thank you very much, sir.

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You've been awfully good. You bring a warm glow of comfort to my heart.

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Your problem is OUR problem.

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We'll be like the Three Musketeers,

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"One for one, two together...

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"..united we fall, and we stand divided upright."

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Oh!

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I'm sorry, Mrs...Mr Mainwaring.

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All right. Now pay attention.

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It's perfectly simple.

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We have to get Jones to remember where he put that money. Jones...

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Permission to speak, sir?

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If I could remember where I put it in the first place, I wouldn't have lost it in the second place.

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And I wouldn't have spent all day trying to remember where I put it in the first or second place.

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My mind is a blank.

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Can we discuss the stripe now, sir?

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Sit down and be quiet, Frazer.

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Mr Mainwaring, I know how we can make him remember.

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They did it in that film "Man In The Shadows".

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That's right, Frank. We saw it together. It was very good indeed.

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At the start, Walter Abel sits on a park bench in the middle of the night.

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Yes. He's sits there muttering, "I can't remember, I can't remember",

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and fiddling with his pockets like Mr Jones.

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I saw that with my sister, Dolly. But she made me take her out before the end. She thought it was too near.

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Anyway, Joan Blondell walks by.

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What was she doing in the park in the middle of the night? Going for a walk.

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I like Joan Blondell, she's nice.

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Anyone about at that time of night can't be all that nice.

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Don't say things about Joan Blondell.

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Pike! Come to the point.

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Yes, sir. She sat down and talked to him.

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She made him go through everything that had happened to him in the last 24 hours,

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in order to MAKE him remember.

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Remember what?

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I can't remember.

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-Before you began this film rubbish, I was about to suggest that.

-Were you really? Fancy that.

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Look here, Jones, I want you to tell us calmly and logically,

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all that happened from the first moment you received that money.

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-Yes, sir. I will try.

-And don't let your brain go off at a tangent.

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I won't let my brains get in a wangle.

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-All right, start. And keep calm.

-Yes, sir. Keep calm.

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Mr Dick Billings came round to my shop with the money before closing.

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-It was in five pound notes.

-And what did you do with it?

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I wrapped it up in paper and took it home. Then I put it under my pillow.

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-And the next morning?

-I woke up.

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I got out of bed.

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-Which side?

-The left.

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-Why not the right?

-My bed's against the wall. Look here!

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-I'm trying to keep calm, sir.

-All right, Jonesy.

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I had a little wash and got dressed.

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I went downstairs and I came upstairs again.

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Why?

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To get the money under the pillow.

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Look here, I'm trying to keep calm.

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-I am keeping calm, aren't I?

-You're doing very well indeed.

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-Do be quiet, Wilson.

-I'm trying to help.

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Don't do that. Don't do that sort of thing.

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-All right. Carry on.

-TH-THEN I... I went across the road to my shop.

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I got the £500 and went in the shop.

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I wrapped the previous day's takings up in some paper and wrote out a bank-slip.

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And then I wrote out a further bank-slip for the £500.

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Then I said to young Raymond, "Young Ray..." No, no!

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First, I put the two things in a carrier bag.

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Then I said, "Raymond look after the shop, I'm off to the bank."

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-It's starting to work, Mr Mainwaring.

-Yes...

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-That's because you're thinking calmly and logically.

-I'm very calm.

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I went across to the bank and Pikey was there.

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I said, "Good morning, Pikey." I gave him the takings.

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-That's right.

-And what happened?

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Well, I remember now, and I am keeping calm.

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I gave him the packet with £500 in and it wasn't there.

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No, it had become half a pound of sausages.

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That's right. I'VE LOST IT! I'VE LOST IT!

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DON'T PANIC!

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DON'T PANIC! I'VE LOST £500!!

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I know I'll remember where I put it.

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I know I'll remember where I put it.

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'Ere, Jonesy. Don't do that, you silly old duffer.

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-It's just a cup of char.

-Thanks very much.

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Joe, you haven't got a cigarette have you?

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Blimey! You've had two packs already.

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Sorry, Joe. I'm sorry about that. I just can't help it.

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-You look terrible.

-I'm ruined, Joe. I'm ruined.

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I'd give anything to find the money.

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Hey! Don't do that, Taffy!

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-Did you say "anything"?

-Yes, I'd try anything, Jock.

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Good.

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Come closer.

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When I was sailing the China Seas,

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I studied the art of hypnosis.

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Don't be daft, Taffy. It's true!

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I've hypnotised many men in my time.

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And I have...uncovered some DARK and terrible secrets.

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It cannae fail. But I must have your co-operation.

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If it's going to help me remember where I put the money, you have my permission to sterilise me.

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Good.

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Now...clasp your hands together.

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Put them on top o' yer head, like that.

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Now...

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..watch closely.

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You are GO-ING to sleep.

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You are GO-ING to sleep!

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YOU ARE GO-ING TO SLEEP!

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You can hear nothing but MY voice.

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YOU CAN HEAR NOTHING BUT MY VOICE!

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What can you hear?

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I CAN HEAR NOTHING BUT YOUR VOICE!!

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# Little Sir Echo, how do you do...? #

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Shut up, Joe! I'm trying to be hypnotised.

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Oh! Wake up, your reverence.

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Wake up! Wake up!

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Who is it?

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It's you, Verger. You are a beastly nuisance.

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How dare you come and wake me up!

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You must come at once and exercise!

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Have you taken leave of your senses?

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I'm not running this late at night.

0:20:070:20:10

There's a black mass in the church hall!

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A black mass of what?

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The Scotsman is carrying out pagan rites on church property.

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Oh! The blasphemy! You must exorcise it!

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If you're being silly, I'll be cross.

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Are you asleep?

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Tell me everything that happened.

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Well, when Mr Billings come round with the money,

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wrapped up in newspaper,

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on the counter was a large chicken.

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A chicken!

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I was taking the chicken to young Raymond's

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and telling him to take it round to Mr Blewitt's.

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It works!

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Go on! What happened then?

0:21:010:21:03

Just as Raymond picked the chicken up,

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I said, "Wait. You've forgotten the giblets."

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I picked the giblets up and stuffed them in the chicken.

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But it wasn't the giblets I picked up. It was the £500.

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YEAH!! Wake Up!

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I stuffed them in the chicken!

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-Mr Mainwaring! Mr Mainwaring!

-What is it? What? What? What?

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-I stuffed it in the chicken!

-In the chicken...?

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Wake up, everybody! Wake up! Wake up, everybody!

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What is going on here?

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-I stuffed it! I stuffed it!

-What?

0:21:440:21:47

-The chicken!

-D'you hear that? A chicken!

0:21:470:21:50

They always use chickens for black rites.

0:21:500:21:54

We've arrived just in time to stop something very nasty happening.

0:21:540:21:58

Excuse me, sir. You can't wake up somebody at this time of night and ask to examine their chicken.

0:22:100:22:18

It's an emergency, Wilson. I'm going to get the bottom of it.

0:22:190:22:23

I want to thank you, Mr Mainwaring.

0:22:230:22:26

And I want you to know that the next chicken I get in my shop is for you.

0:22:260:22:31

Can my mum have a chicken as well?

0:22:310:22:34

My sister Dolly would like one too.

0:22:340:22:36

Wait a minute. I'm not made of chickens.

0:22:360:22:40

-RINGS DOORBELL

-Why doesn't he answer?

0:22:400:22:43

Whatever happens, don't tell him why we want to look inside his chicken.

0:22:430:22:49

I don't want the townspeople to know. They'll lose confidence in me.

0:22:490:22:54

Who is it?

0:22:540:22:56

-It's Captain Mainwaring.

-Have the Germans landed?

0:22:560:23:00

No. I must speak to you. Please open the door.

0:23:000:23:04

-You had a chicken delivered here yesterday?

-Yes.

-Have you eaten it?

0:23:100:23:15

Er...no, and you can't have it back.

0:23:150:23:18

We want to examine it.

0:23:180:23:20

Have you got a search warrant?

0:23:200:23:23

I don't need one. In the name of the King, I demand to examine your chicken.

0:23:250:23:31

What's the King got to do with it?

0:23:310:23:35

It's for the defence of the realm. Can we come in?

0:23:350:23:38

No, not in your hobnail boots, you'll wake my wife.

0:23:380:23:43

Oh, all right. I'll bring it out.

0:23:430:23:45

-Do you think, he'll let you look inside his chicken?

-Oh, yes. Of course.

0:23:490:23:56

I'm a shrewd judge in these matters.

0:23:560:23:59

-Ah!

-There's the chicken.

0:24:020:24:04

Take a good look and let me get back to bed.

0:24:040:24:08

-A very nice-looking chicken, isn't it?

-Awfully nice, yes. Lovely.

0:24:080:24:13

But it isn't the outside we want to examine. It's the inside.

0:24:130:24:18

Look inside?!

0:24:180:24:20

-Ah, well...

-(Don't mention the money!)

-No...

0:24:200:24:24

Um, we're under the impression that the contents of that chicken,

0:24:240:24:29

er...would provide a canteen for 500 servicemen.

0:24:290:24:33

-You must be barmy! The only way to do that is to make a soup out of it.

-No, no. You don't understand.

0:24:330:24:41

It'd be very watery with just an eggcupful each.

0:24:410:24:45

I must examine it. It's a matter of life and death.

0:24:450:24:50

-Hold it, Wilson.

-But my wife's just stuffed it.

0:24:500:24:54

-We shall have to unstuff it.

-It's sewn up.

0:24:540:24:58

-Cut it open with a bayonet.

-Right, sir.

0:24:580:25:01

Walker, Pike. Bring your torches. Jones will do it.

0:25:010:25:05

-I'm not happy about this.

-Don't worry. You'll get it back exactly as we found it.

0:25:050:25:11

< PUT THOSE LIGHTS OUT!

0:25:110:25:14

What's going on? You may well ask.

0:25:150:25:18

They wake me at 2.30am, unstuff my chicken and say it's for the King.

0:25:180:25:23

-Are you out of your mind?!

-Clear off, will you?

0:25:250:25:29

-Don't tell me to clear off, mate!

-Go on.

-It's open, Mr Mainwaring.

0:25:290:25:34

Come along. Put your hands out, everybody.

0:25:340:25:39

You'll get bits all over that. I don't want fluff with my stuffing.

0:25:390:25:44

They're best quality army-issue gloves.

0:25:440:25:47

-Why don't

-I

-get great big chickens like that?

0:25:470:25:51

If you must know, it's Mr Blewitt's Golden Anniversary. I had it sent round special.

0:25:510:25:57

Have you found it, Mr Mainwaring?

0:25:570:26:00

Give me that torch.

0:26:000:26:03

-I'm afraid it's empty, Jones.

-What?!

0:26:050:26:08

Oh, no!

0:26:100:26:12

I'm ruined.

0:26:120:26:14

I'm ruined.

0:26:140:26:16

Well... Don't all look at me. It's not my fault.

0:26:160:26:21

Come on. Get it back.

0:26:230:26:25

Sorry we disturbed you, Mr Blewitt.

0:26:350:26:38

My compliments to your wife.

0:26:380:26:41

Tell her she stuffed it beautifully.

0:26:410:26:44

-Mr Mainwaring?

-Yes.

0:26:480:26:50

-Could I have my glove back, please?

-..You stupid boy!

0:26:500:26:55

We...really are most dreadfully sorry, Jonesy.

0:27:020:27:06

If I could help at all, I wouldn't hesitate.

0:27:060:27:10

-You could lend him the money.

-Be quiet, Pike.

0:27:100:27:15

I'll have to do what's honourable.

0:27:150:27:18

In half an hour I have to present the cheque to the mayor.

0:27:180:27:22

So I'll just write out £500 of me own money.

0:27:220:27:26

That's my life savings. Still, death before dishonour.

0:27:260:27:31

There you are, Mr Jones! I've been looking for you.

0:27:310:27:35

I know what you're going to say, Mr Billings, but I'll make it up.

0:27:350:27:39

What do you mean? I'm talking about the sausages you sold me.

0:27:390:27:45

The wife went to fry them and this is what she found.

0:27:450:27:49

It's the money. IT'S THE MONEY! DON'T PANIC! WE GOT THE MONEY!

0:27:520:27:58

Where's my sausages?

0:27:580:28:00

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