When Did You Last See Your Money? Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game,

# We are the boys who will make you think again,

# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21,

# But he comes home each evening,

# And he's ready with his gun.

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think old England's done? #

Thank you very much, madam. One, two, three, four. Thank you.

-Morning, Mrs Bins.

-Morning. >

-Everything all right?

-Yes, thank you.

Bye-bye. Goodbye. >

Bye-bye?

The proper way to address a customer is "Good morning, madam", not "Bye-bye".

-What are all these clips?

-Sorry.

-And why aren't these rubber stamps in the rack?

-I was just going to...

This counter is a disgrace. If Head Office saw it, they'd have a fit.

-I run a tidy bank, Pike. Don't forget that.

-Yes, sir.

"Good morning, madam." "Good morning, MADAM."

< "Good morning, madam."

-Morning, Pikey.

-< "Good morning, madam."

< Morning, Mr Jones.

There we are, Pikey.

I say...

..business as usual, eh? That's the ticket.

-Take more than Jerry bombs to put Mr Mainwaring out of action.

-We're tidying up quick as we can.

That's a soldier's most important order. When on active duty, be tidy!

-Morning, Wilsey!

-Morning, Jonesy. Have you got a paper-clip, please, Frank?

-I've just tidied those up, Uncle Arthur.

-All right. I only want one. Heavens above!

RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT

Come in.

KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK

-I said, "Come in."

-So sorry, sir.

The door's stuck. It won't...

It won't open.

Sorry, sir, but it seems to have gone...

-..out of true.

-It needs a shoulder to it. A bit of effort.

-Your trouble is you've got flabby. Out of the way.

-Right.

Simple, you see. It just needed a bit of beef.

-Thank you very much, sir.

-Well, come in.

I'm sorry, sir. It's still stuck.

Come round the side!

Well, sir... I've brought all the papers that you wanted to see.

Oh, yes. I want to have a good look at these.

-Awfully wet in here.

-The tarpaulin is full of last night's rain.

-I see.

-Don't poke it! You'll make it worse.

-So sorry, sir.

Why can't you leave things alone?

How can I work with water all over the place?

Oh...!

Leave it!

So sorry, sir. Beg your pardon.

-And shut that window.

-Right, sir.

There we are, sir.

-Now, sir, is that better?

-No.

Why do you put up with it? Why don't you go to the stockroom? That's not damaged at all.

-Go down to the stockroom?!

-Yes. Why not?

-Wilson.

-Yes, sir?

-You see that chair?

-Yes, I do.

-That's MY chair. The manager's chair.

-Yes.

-And that's MY desk and MY office.

I wasn't made manager overnight.

-It was a long, hard struggle.

-Right, sir.

Office boy, clerk, assistant chief clerk, chief clerk, deputy manager,

and finally, manager.

It's taken 25 years to get my office and no foreigner will throw me out of it. What do you think of that?

Um, can I come under your umbrella?

-There's only room for one.

-It's getting very damp.

-You shouldn't go about poking things.

-Let's get on.

-Right, sir.

-I'll tell you another thing about the fuzzy-wuzzies.

-Sorry, Mr Jones.

I've got a lot of work to do, and Mr Mainwaring is in an awful mood.

-Do you have any more money to pay in?

-I'll say I have - £500.

-£500?!

Yes. All us local shopkeepers had a collection for the new servicemen's canteen here in Walmington, you see.

Yesterday, the chairman, Dick Billings, came round with the final amount, £500, to my shop.

-Why'd he give it to you?

-I'm the treasurer.

I'll put it in my account, and tomorrow I'll hand a cheque to the mayor personally.

-Why did you wrap it up?

-It's £500. That's a lot of money.

I don't want to get robbed, do I?

I thought if I wrapped it up, people might think it was sausages.

It IS sausages.

AAGH!

Do hold that still. I'm getting soaked.

-I'm not exactly dry myself, sir.

-Mr Mainwaring!

Come quick, Mr Mainwaring!

How DARE you burst in like that?!

-It's an emergency.

-Pike!

And how dare you come through the wall!

I won't have staff walking through that wall. Come in again properly.

-Go on.

-Yes, sir.

-KNOCK-KNOCK

-Come in.

Sorry, Mr Mainwaring, but... HE WHISTLES

-What are you doing?!

-It's unlucky to open an umbrella indoors.

-Stupid boy!

What do you want?

-Oh! Mr Jones is on the floor. He has fainted.

-All right...

FAINTED?!

-Leave that to me.

-All right, sir.

Go round the side.

All right, help me get him up.

-All right, Jonesy.

-Oohh!

-You'll be all right.

-Up you get. There you are.

-Where am I?

-Turn round.

-All right, Jonesy.

-That's it.

-Oohh!

-Whatever happened?

-Oohh dear!

-Oh! I lost...I lost £500. I lost £500! I put it somewhere.

-What's he talking about, Pike?

He came in to pay in £500, and it had turned into half a pound of sausages.

It's awful, Mr Mainwaring. Awful!

All right, Jonesy. Keep calm and try to tell us exactly what happened.

-I had this £500 for the canteen... and it wasn't.

-Wasn't what?

There! It was half a pound of sausages.

-What did you do with it?

-I had it in my shop wrapped up in newspaper.

-You must have picked up the wrong packet.

-Yes, that's it.

-You go back to your shop and look for it, and I'll see you on parade.

-You're quite right, Mr Mainwaring.

You've always been my maternal support. Thank you.

-I'll find it.

-Course you will.

-I put it somewhere.

-Off you go.

-What about these, Mr Mainwaring?

-I'll take charge of those.

Poor Jonesy's in a terrible state.

He's been in my shop about 25 times. In-out, in-out. He's turned it upside down.

Was it at your place?

He can't have left it there. He hasn't been in for weeks.

He won't take no notice. He ferrets about saying, "I've left it somewhere." I can't make it out.

I can.

The man's gone potty.

Mind you, I've seen this coming.

Jones is senile, and the shock of losing this money, it's tilted his brain.

He's no longer capable of carrying on his duties as corporal.

Mind you...

..the question is, who's going to take his place, eh?

Well, I'M next in line!

I'm going to see Captain Mainwaring.

You're being heartless, Mr Frazer. That is a bit strong.

It's practical.

There's a war on. You cannae stop for mental casualties.

Hello. Jonesy found his money yet?

No. He's been going back and forth from his shop to the bank all day.

He nearly got run over twice.

Walker, has Jonesy arrived?

Not yet.

Oh Lord! I do hope he's all right.

Well, would you all mind falling into three ranks, please?

As quickly as you can. Thank you so much. In three nice, neat lines.

That's absolutely lovely. Thank you so much. Come along, Godfrey. Platoon.

Properly at ease. Platoon, ATTENTION!

STAND AT ease!

That's very good.

Where's Jones?

I've no idea, sir.

We'll have to carry on. Stand easy.

Pay attention.

Private Sponge - take charge of Two Section.

-Jones, you're late.

-I'm sorry, sir.

It's not under there. It's not there.

It wouldn't be in there. I know it wouldn't.

I know where it might be. It might be up here. I came up here once.

Jones! Corporal! Fall in.

It's not up here, sir.

-Fall in quickly.

-I know I put it somewhere.

-I put it somewhere.

-On my command... Corporal!

Pay attention!

I'm sorry, sir. I'm not feeling myself, today.

He's been feeling himself since he came in (!)

Give it a rest.

On the command "Fall out", Sections Two and Three will go out on patrol.

Number One Section will gather round me.

Fall out!

I'd like to apologise, sir. I've had a terrible day, sir.

Since I lost the money, I'm all to pieces. I'm no good for anything.

Ha! Precisely. May I remind you, Captain, I am next in line for his stripe.

That will do, Frazer.

Can't we help?

Get some chairs and bring them round.

Now, we have to get you to remember what you did with that money.

Yes, sir. Thank you very much, sir.

You've been awfully good. You bring a warm glow of comfort to my heart.

Your problem is OUR problem.

We'll be like the Three Musketeers,

"One for one, two together...

"..united we fall, and we stand divided upright."

Oh!

I'm sorry, Mrs...Mr Mainwaring.

All right. Now pay attention.

It's perfectly simple.

We have to get Jones to remember where he put that money. Jones...

Permission to speak, sir?

If I could remember where I put it in the first place, I wouldn't have lost it in the second place.

And I wouldn't have spent all day trying to remember where I put it in the first or second place.

My mind is a blank.

Can we discuss the stripe now, sir?

Sit down and be quiet, Frazer.

Mr Mainwaring, I know how we can make him remember.

They did it in that film "Man In The Shadows".

That's right, Frank. We saw it together. It was very good indeed.

At the start, Walter Abel sits on a park bench in the middle of the night.

Yes. He's sits there muttering, "I can't remember, I can't remember",

and fiddling with his pockets like Mr Jones.

I saw that with my sister, Dolly. But she made me take her out before the end. She thought it was too near.

Anyway, Joan Blondell walks by.

What was she doing in the park in the middle of the night? Going for a walk.

I like Joan Blondell, she's nice.

Anyone about at that time of night can't be all that nice.

Don't say things about Joan Blondell.

Pike! Come to the point.

Yes, sir. She sat down and talked to him.

She made him go through everything that had happened to him in the last 24 hours,

in order to MAKE him remember.

Remember what?

I can't remember.

-Before you began this film rubbish, I was about to suggest that.

-Were you really? Fancy that.

Look here, Jones, I want you to tell us calmly and logically,

all that happened from the first moment you received that money.

-Yes, sir. I will try.

-And don't let your brain go off at a tangent.

I won't let my brains get in a wangle.

-All right, start. And keep calm.

-Yes, sir. Keep calm.

Mr Dick Billings came round to my shop with the money before closing.

-It was in five pound notes.

-And what did you do with it?

I wrapped it up in paper and took it home. Then I put it under my pillow.

-And the next morning?

-I woke up.

I got out of bed.

-Which side?

-The left.

-Why not the right?

-My bed's against the wall. Look here!

-I'm trying to keep calm, sir.

-All right, Jonesy.

I had a little wash and got dressed.

I went downstairs and I came upstairs again.

Why?

To get the money under the pillow.

Look here, I'm trying to keep calm.

-I am keeping calm, aren't I?

-You're doing very well indeed.

-Do be quiet, Wilson.

-I'm trying to help.

Don't do that. Don't do that sort of thing.

-All right. Carry on.

-TH-THEN I... I went across the road to my shop.

I got the £500 and went in the shop.

I wrapped the previous day's takings up in some paper and wrote out a bank-slip.

And then I wrote out a further bank-slip for the £500.

Then I said to young Raymond, "Young Ray..." No, no!

First, I put the two things in a carrier bag.

Then I said, "Raymond look after the shop, I'm off to the bank."

-It's starting to work, Mr Mainwaring.

-Yes...

-That's because you're thinking calmly and logically.

-I'm very calm.

I went across to the bank and Pikey was there.

I said, "Good morning, Pikey." I gave him the takings.

-That's right.

-And what happened?

Well, I remember now, and I am keeping calm.

I gave him the packet with £500 in and it wasn't there.

No, it had become half a pound of sausages.

That's right. I'VE LOST IT! I'VE LOST IT!

DON'T PANIC!

DON'T PANIC! I'VE LOST £500!!

I know I'll remember where I put it.

I know I'll remember where I put it.

'Ere, Jonesy. Don't do that, you silly old duffer.

-It's just a cup of char.

-Thanks very much.

Joe, you haven't got a cigarette have you?

Blimey! You've had two packs already.

Sorry, Joe. I'm sorry about that. I just can't help it.

-You look terrible.

-I'm ruined, Joe. I'm ruined.

I'd give anything to find the money.

Hey! Don't do that, Taffy!

-Did you say "anything"?

-Yes, I'd try anything, Jock.

Good.

Come closer.

When I was sailing the China Seas,

I studied the art of hypnosis.

Don't be daft, Taffy. It's true!

I've hypnotised many men in my time.

And I have...uncovered some DARK and terrible secrets.

It cannae fail. But I must have your co-operation.

If it's going to help me remember where I put the money, you have my permission to sterilise me.

Good.

Now...clasp your hands together.

Put them on top o' yer head, like that.

Now...

..watch closely.

You are GO-ING to sleep.

You are GO-ING to sleep!

YOU ARE GO-ING TO SLEEP!

You can hear nothing but MY voice.

YOU CAN HEAR NOTHING BUT MY VOICE!

What can you hear?

I CAN HEAR NOTHING BUT YOUR VOICE!!

# Little Sir Echo, how do you do...? #

Shut up, Joe! I'm trying to be hypnotised.

Oh! Wake up, your reverence.

Wake up! Wake up!

Who is it?

It's you, Verger. You are a beastly nuisance.

How dare you come and wake me up!

You must come at once and exercise!

Have you taken leave of your senses?

I'm not running this late at night.

There's a black mass in the church hall!

A black mass of what?

The Scotsman is carrying out pagan rites on church property.

Oh! The blasphemy! You must exorcise it!

If you're being silly, I'll be cross.

Are you asleep?

Tell me everything that happened.

Well, when Mr Billings come round with the money,

wrapped up in newspaper,

on the counter was a large chicken.

A chicken!

I was taking the chicken to young Raymond's

and telling him to take it round to Mr Blewitt's.

It works!

Go on! What happened then?

Just as Raymond picked the chicken up,

I said, "Wait. You've forgotten the giblets."

I picked the giblets up and stuffed them in the chicken.

But it wasn't the giblets I picked up. It was the £500.

YEAH!! Wake Up!

I stuffed them in the chicken!

-Mr Mainwaring! Mr Mainwaring!

-What is it? What? What? What?

-I stuffed it in the chicken!

-In the chicken...?

Wake up, everybody! Wake up! Wake up, everybody!

What is going on here?

-I stuffed it! I stuffed it!

-What?

-The chicken!

-D'you hear that? A chicken!

They always use chickens for black rites.

We've arrived just in time to stop something very nasty happening.

Excuse me, sir. You can't wake up somebody at this time of night and ask to examine their chicken.

It's an emergency, Wilson. I'm going to get the bottom of it.

I want to thank you, Mr Mainwaring.

And I want you to know that the next chicken I get in my shop is for you.

Can my mum have a chicken as well?

My sister Dolly would like one too.

Wait a minute. I'm not made of chickens.

-RINGS DOORBELL

-Why doesn't he answer?

Whatever happens, don't tell him why we want to look inside his chicken.

I don't want the townspeople to know. They'll lose confidence in me.

Who is it?

-It's Captain Mainwaring.

-Have the Germans landed?

No. I must speak to you. Please open the door.

-You had a chicken delivered here yesterday?

-Yes.

-Have you eaten it?

Er...no, and you can't have it back.

We want to examine it.

Have you got a search warrant?

I don't need one. In the name of the King, I demand to examine your chicken.

What's the King got to do with it?

It's for the defence of the realm. Can we come in?

No, not in your hobnail boots, you'll wake my wife.

Oh, all right. I'll bring it out.

-Do you think, he'll let you look inside his chicken?

-Oh, yes. Of course.

I'm a shrewd judge in these matters.

-Ah!

-There's the chicken.

Take a good look and let me get back to bed.

-A very nice-looking chicken, isn't it?

-Awfully nice, yes. Lovely.

But it isn't the outside we want to examine. It's the inside.

Look inside?!

-Ah, well...

-(Don't mention the money!)

-No...

Um, we're under the impression that the contents of that chicken,

er...would provide a canteen for 500 servicemen.

-You must be barmy! The only way to do that is to make a soup out of it.

-No, no. You don't understand.

It'd be very watery with just an eggcupful each.

I must examine it. It's a matter of life and death.

-Hold it, Wilson.

-But my wife's just stuffed it.

-We shall have to unstuff it.

-It's sewn up.

-Cut it open with a bayonet.

-Right, sir.

Walker, Pike. Bring your torches. Jones will do it.

-I'm not happy about this.

-Don't worry. You'll get it back exactly as we found it.

< PUT THOSE LIGHTS OUT!

What's going on? You may well ask.

They wake me at 2.30am, unstuff my chicken and say it's for the King.

-Are you out of your mind?!

-Clear off, will you?

-Don't tell me to clear off, mate!

-Go on.

-It's open, Mr Mainwaring.

Come along. Put your hands out, everybody.

You'll get bits all over that. I don't want fluff with my stuffing.

They're best quality army-issue gloves.

-Why don't

-I

-get great big chickens like that?

If you must know, it's Mr Blewitt's Golden Anniversary. I had it sent round special.

Have you found it, Mr Mainwaring?

Give me that torch.

-I'm afraid it's empty, Jones.

-What?!

Oh, no!

I'm ruined.

I'm ruined.

Well... Don't all look at me. It's not my fault.

Come on. Get it back.

Sorry we disturbed you, Mr Blewitt.

My compliments to your wife.

Tell her she stuffed it beautifully.

-Mr Mainwaring?

-Yes.

-Could I have my glove back, please?

-..You stupid boy!

We...really are most dreadfully sorry, Jonesy.

If I could help at all, I wouldn't hesitate.

-You could lend him the money.

-Be quiet, Pike.

I'll have to do what's honourable.

In half an hour I have to present the cheque to the mayor.

So I'll just write out £500 of me own money.

That's my life savings. Still, death before dishonour.

There you are, Mr Jones! I've been looking for you.

I know what you're going to say, Mr Billings, but I'll make it up.

What do you mean? I'm talking about the sausages you sold me.

The wife went to fry them and this is what she found.

It's the money. IT'S THE MONEY! DON'T PANIC! WE GOT THE MONEY!

Where's my sausages?