All Is Safely Gathered In Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game

# We are the boys who will make you think again

# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done? #

-Haven't they arrived yet?

-No.

It's unusual for Mr Mainwaring and Mr Wilson to be late.

The trouble is, my bus goes at ten past and they won't hold it.

You go. I'll explain to Mr Mainwaring.

I can't do that. He might be upset.

He won't be upset. I brought him four sausages

and a quarter pound of dripping.

Not a lot, but it's the thought that counts.

JONES HUMS

-Look, mind the door.

-All right, all right. There we go.

Be careful and don't bump it, Mr Mainwaring.

-Don't be silly. It's not that delicate.

-Don't make a fuss, Frank.

Excuse me, Mr Mainwaring, Mr Godfrey would...

No, no, not just now. No, no, no.

Call the men on parade, Jones. I've got something important to tell them.

He has to go, or it will be too late.

Tell him to go now and get back on parade as fast as he can.

Hang on and if Mr Mainwaring hasn't finished,

I'll get the verger to hold it.

Just look at this, Mr Mainwaring.

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na!

Stop it, Pike.

I brought it in. I'll handle it first.

-Beautifully balanced.

-Yes, of course.

A devastating weapon in the right hands.

Even more devastating in the wrong hands.

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na!

Pike, will you stop that?

Sorry.

-Let's show it to the troops.

-Right.

-You bring the mags along.

-Yes.

Mr Mainwaring, please, let me take it.

Will you...will you put it down?

Pike! Fall in at once.

Can't you control that boy?

He thinks it's a game.

At ease, everyone.

Well, men.

You've waited for it

and here it is.

ALL: Ahhh!

Now, this is probably the most sophisticated side arm ever invented.

It fires 650 rounds of 4.5 ammunition per minute.

The drum holds 50 rounds.

-Have you got the drum, Wilson?

-Of course, sir.

-Well, hold it up.

Sergeant Wilson is holding up the drum.

The spring...magazine, spring-clip magazine, holds 20 rounds.

-Show it, Wilson.

-Yes, indeed, sir.

Here's the clip.

Excuse me, has that got a detachment for a bayonet?

No, I'm afraid it hasn't.

-Oh, what a pity.

-You'd soon run out of bullets.

You'd just touch the trigger and your magazine's empty.

I think it will last longer than that. Don't you, Wilson?

-Just under two seconds, I would think, sir.

-Yes.

I tell you what, Joe, we'll time it.

I'll say go and then I'll say stop.

Captain Mainwaring.

Not just now, Godfrey.

-Stand by, go!

-THEY BLOW RASPBERRIES

Stop. You're going to need a bayonet.

Just a minute, Captain Mainwaring. Yon drum holds 50 rounds.

It WILL go on longer. Something like...

HE BLOWS A LONGER RASPBERRY

Thank you, Frazer.

Captain Mainwaring, who's going to have it first? May I?

Certainly not.

-Excuse me.

-Not you, Godfrey.

Let's take it in turns. General Macauley always said, "Take it in turns."

General Macauley? Who was he?

Well, he wasn't very important, but he used to say, "Take it in turns."

That's all I can remember of him, really.

Let's have a whist drive and the winner has the first go.

Certainly not. I won't have the technical future of this unit

decided by cards. We shall draw lots for it.

I know you're disappointed, Godfrey, but I want to be fair.

-May I have three days' holiday?

-Now, just fall back... What did you say?

I'd like three days' holiday.

Have you gone out of your mind?

Hitler's waiting to pounce. We're in the front line.

I wouldn't ask normally, but it's to do with a friend.

I see.

It's all a little involved.

Yes, I'm quite sure it is.

Permission to interfere, sir.

Mr Godfrey won't speak up for himself.

He's too much the gentleman, but my lips are not sealed.

I can reveal, at the bottom of this, there is a woman.

Is that true, Godfrey?

Well, yes and er...no.

Yes and no? What sort of an answer's that?

It's a bit of each, innit?

Don't be impudent. Come into the office, Godfrey.

And you too, Wilson.

Right, sir.

Mr Mainwaring, please may I look after the Tommy gun? Please.

-Oh, very well.

-Thank you.

They also call it the Chicago piano.

What did you say?

The Chicago piano.

Stupid boy.

Yon Godfrey has a queer, fey look.

More than likely, he's a sexual maniac.

-Not now, Vicar.

-Oh, really.

Wilson, you'd better take notes.

-Wilson.

-Sorry. Of course. Of course, I will.

Now, Godfrey... What are you doing here, Jones?

It's like this, sir. Mr Godfrey is a retiring gentleman

and won't speak up for himself.

I would like to speak for him, me being privy to his intimate details,

through things what he told me in his CONTINENCE.

Is that all right with you, Godfrey?

-Well...

-Thank you very much, Mr Godfrey. It's like this, sir.

Just before the commencement of the Boer War, it all started.

Mr Godfrey here, he was a dandy young buck of some 20 summers.

-I'm sorry. I didn't catch that.

-Dandy.

Oh. Dandy. I'm so sorry.

He fell for a beautiful young lady who was in service

in one of the great halls. Are you listening, sir?

Of course.

Them days weren't like these days.

If you were a serving wench, you had to mind your peas and onions.

You started up in the morning -

5.30 blacken the grate until 8.30 at night putting the cat out.

They gave you one Sunday a month off and they paid you 3s/6d a week,

less laundry, but it was a good life.

I can't sit and listen to this rigmarole.

Sorry, sir. I was transgressing.

Mr Godfrey, not getting a chance to see her much,

was unable to plight his troth,

which he would have done, given a chance.

Him being a virile young man, as we all was then.

Me more than most. You're not in a hurry, sir?

Yes, I am. Get to the point.

He wants three days' holiday.

I know that. Be quiet, Jones, and let Godfrey speak.

He won't let me speak.

Be quiet, Jones. Be quiet.

I want three days' holiday to help with the harvest.

To help with the harvest?

That's hardly a holiday. That's important work, Wilson.

It is. I'm sorry, but I haven't got down half of what Corporal Jones has been saying.

Don't worry. I don't think it had anything to do with it.

It HAD something to do with it.

That young lady married a farmer and now she's a widow.

It's her harvest he wants to help with.

-Her foreman's gone to hospital.

-Hernia.

-Hernia.

-Left side.

-Left side.

Never mind that.

Has she no other form of labour?

Three land girls. I'd like to help because I'm close, but I've missed the bus.

Yes.

Well, look here. How many acres does she farm?

100 acres of wheat.

-100. This is vital, Wilson.

-Of course, sir.

The country needs every grain of corn.

We'll give this harvest top priority.

We'll call for volunteers and Jones can take them in his van.

Now he needs me. A moment ago, he cast me off like an old acquaintance.

-Jones, go and call the men in.

-Yes.

It's very kind of you. Could I ring her and tell her the good news?

Of course, Godfrey. Carry on.

-Now, Wilson.

-Yes, sir?

-Get the normal role. Tick off...

# Little hen, when, when, when will you lay me an egg for my tea? #

I want my office. It's full of people playing soldiers.

Settle yourself down there. No-one will disturb you.

Thank you, Mr Yateman.

For goodness' sake, Mr Yateman, how can I...

Thank God I found you. I need to talk.

I hear you had a narrow escape last night.

It was a miracle! It landed beside me.

If it had gone off, I wouldn't be here.

A miracle, indeed.

It knocked my pint of beer clear out of my hand. Look!

It was a deliverance.

More like a judgment.

Go away, Mr Yateman.

Yes, sir.

I should have been killed. I was spared.

Why me? Why me?! Answer me that! Why me?! Why? Why? Why?

I can't think.

I'm a simple greengrocer.

Do you think he's saving me for a great purpose?

Well, you never know.

I've always been rotten, but I'll turn over a new leaf.

I'll be kind to everyone, love my enemies, but not Hitler.

I'll be good to Captain Mainwaring and help him. He's a good man.

- I'm sure he is. - I'll be right behind him.

Marvellous news.

Thank you. I needed your guidance.

I'm glad to be of help.

You were a rock for me to cling to.

A pleasure, I'm sure.

# Little hen, when, when, when will you try to supply one for me? #

HENS CLUCK

Right, come along.

Stack all your stuff down there. In that corner.

Hang onto your rifles. You don't want to be surprised by Nazis.

Don't worry, Mr Mainwaring. I won't let them surprise us.

I'll fill them full of lead. Na-na-na-na-na-na!

Will you stop that?

How did he get hold of the gun?

-Frazer was supposed to be first.

-Pike had a private arrangement.

-I won't have private arrangements on duty.

-Right.

Colonel Mainwaring, it is kind of you, all of you, to help me like this.

I'm afraid it's a bit rough and ready for you.

Don't worry. We just want to gather in the harvest.

We've got a bit of a problem there.

Mr Yates of Grove Farm was going to thresh it for me,

but his thresher's broke, so he's behind.

Haven't you got one of your own?

I've got one, but only my foreman can work it.

-Your foreman?

-Left side.

-Yes, yes. All right.

We've got enough expertise here to get the wheels turning.

I don't know, sir. Farming machinery can be complicated.

-Sponge is a farmer. He ought to be able to fix it.

-True, yes.

We'll win through, Mrs Prentice.

Thank you.

HODGES CHANTS: Left, right!

-What's he doing here?

-Goodness knows.

HODGES: Lovely.

THE MEN WHISTLE THE LAUREL AND HARDY THEME

Oh, go on home.

Captain Mainwaring, I'm here to help.

I think we can manage without him, don't you?

Yes. Would you mind clearing off?

Don't send me away. Don't spurn me in England's hour of need.

We'll stand shoulder to shoulder against the foe.

Let 'em come and you and I, Captain Mainwaring, we'll shock them.

Is he, erm...

-drunk?

-I don't know. I've really no idea, sir.

Watch him. He's up to something.

Fall in in three ranks outside.

Fall in in three ranks outside. Do as the captain says!

Just a minute. I'm the one that does the bawling and shouting.

Sorry, Corporal Jones. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

I want to help the good captain.

You could be right. He may well have been drinking.

Oh.

Thank you, Charles. How lovely.

I'm sorry about last Sunday, but Dolly was under the weather.

Oh. Oh, poor old soul.

She's three years younger than me.

# Sergeant Sally, Sergeant Sally

# Is coming home on leave today

# Sergeant Sally, sweetheart of our alley, we've missed her

# Since she's been away

# What a welcome there'll be when she walks down the street

# With three stripes on her arm... #

Blimey. What have we got here?

Platoon, halt!

-Wardens, halt!

-Fall out and gather round.

Fall out and gather round like the good captain says.

I don't suppose this is as complicated as it looks.

-Sponge.

-Yes?

I want you to select as many men as you want and show them how this works.

-I don't know how it works.

-I thought you said he was a farmer.

-I'm sure he is.

-Yeah, a sheep farmer.

A sheep farmer. They don't thresh sheep.

Perhaps those land girls know.

-Well, ask them.

-All right, sir.

Excuse me. Do you happen to know how this thing works?

Sorry. We've only been here three weeks.

Well, never mind. May I say how charming you look in your uniforms?

-I really mean that.

-Thanks very much.

-Absolutely...

-All right, Wilson.

Excuse me, Captain Mainwaring. I know how it works.

Oh, good. Well done, Jones.

Pay attention. Jones knows how it works.

Would you mind holding that, sir? I might want to use my hands.

Right, pay attention.

There! That there, over there, that is the engine!

And here, this... And this complication here,

this is the threshing...thing.

I'm not getting too technical for them, sir?

Not yet, Corporal.

You take the stalk and you heave it up there. Whoops! Right on the top.

Meanwhile the engine...the engine over here,

it just goes puff, puff, puff, puff, puff, puff, puff, puff.

That belt is working...working along the threshing here.

It's going jib-jib-a-jib, jib-jib-a-jib.

While it's going jib-jib-a-jib,

inside here, the straw's all going...mushing round like that.

Meanwhile, that's causing over here... Another section.

This section here, like that, it's causing that movement.

And it all goes whoops-a-daisy up,

over the end and in the meantime...

Meantime, all the grain, which is still inside, is come wheedling...

Sorry about that, sir.

It comes wheedling through here

and the grain comes in the sack.

Woom-woom, woom-woom.

Then it's all done.

Yes. I think we've got the gist of what Corporal Jones is saying.

Jones, your section will be in charge of this operation

and the rest can reap and gather.

-What shall I do, Captain Mainwaring?

-Just keep quiet.

Keep quiet, everybody.

Keep quiet for the good captain. >

I want someone on top to load the hopper from the cart.

I'd like to volunteer to load the hopper from the cart.

-Very well, Jones. Pike, help him.

-Yeah.

I'll keep them all covered. Na-na-na!

I usually superintend the grain going into the sacks.

Do you? Right, carry on.

Walker, you'll be in charge of stacking the stall.

Where's Walker? Walker!

-Walker!

-Did you call, sir?

See that the straw is well stacked.

-See it's what?

-Well stacked!

Yeah. Her name's Judy.

-Come along.

-Right, sir.

We've got to get this machine going.

-Would you know how, Wilson?

-I'm afraid not.

Mum says you can't even use a tin-opener.

I don't think that's awfully funny, Frank.

Probably true, though.

-I can work the engine.

-Good. Well done, Frazer. Go to it.

Captain Mainwaring, what can I do to help you in your good work, sir?

Oh. Go and look after the horse. Give it a handful of grass.

-What about me, sir?

-Keep a tally on the loads of grain.

Mrs Prentice, we'll soon have things running

as smooth as a sewing machine. Off you go, Frazer.

Aye, sir.

Hey! Hey! I've done it, sir! I've done it!

Hey, it's going!

Mr Mainwaring! It's going judder, judder, judder.

Start loading, Jones!

Right, sir. Right.

Well, I saved you from that, didn't I?

Now I need saving from something else.

You bet! Hey!

Wilson, stop all that.

Captain Mainwaring, it isn't coming through.

Isn't it? Load away, Jones!

I'm loading as fast as I can, Mr Mainwaring!

Maybe I have a constriction in my tubes.

All right. Let's have a look.

Argh!

No, it looks all right to me.

Mr Mainwaring, I'm sorry to bother you,

-but you ought to know Mr Jones has fallen in the hopper.

-Good.

-What?

-Yes!

-Jones!

JONES GROANS

-Frazer, stop the engine!

-Eh?

Oh, for goodness' sake. Hey! TOOTS HORN

Come on, Wilson!

HORN CONTINUES TOOTING

Get him oot!

Jones!

Jones, are you all right?

JONES GROANS

Mr Mainwaring, some of the straw's got buttons on.

Jones's trousers.

-Get him out.

-All right.

JONES GROANS

Mr Mainwaring, it went jidder judder and tore my trousers off.

Are you all right?

I've lost that which I hold most dear.

Oh, no.

My pocketbook and discharge papers.

It's all right, Jonesy, I got it!

It's all right, Mr Mainwaring, he's only lost his trousers.

Get him out.

I can't get out in front of the land ladies.

Take the trousers off that scarecrow.

-I've been through a terrible experience.

-Get on with it, Jones.

He's not very sympathetic.

Look lively. We're holding up the harvest.

Oh!

That's it.

Well, that's it, men. That's the lot.

Three cheers for the good captain! Hip-hip!

ALL: Hurray!

Hip-hip! ALL: Hurray!

HODGES: Hip-hip! ALL: Hurray!

I've got a real nice harvest spread for you,

home-made pasties and potato wine.

ALL: Hurray!

Then the Vicar's coming over to bless the harvest.

Good afternoon, Mr Yateman. Good afternoon, Your Reverence.

SINGING IN THE DISTANCE

This all looks very nice.

Thank you, Your Reverence.

The congregation can sit here.

Excellent. Where ARE the congregation?

Still celebrating. Good heavens.

DRUNKEN SINGING >

LAUGHTER MRS PRENTICE: Come along!

What on earth are they drinking?

Potato wine. I only tried it once.

Was it good? I got very belligerent.

Oh, dear.

MRS PRENTICE: Come along! The vicar's waiting!

Outside, men.

DRUNKEN SINGING

That potato wine certainly is strong.

Show me the man who says it isn't.

Get off!

Now, come along, my brave lads.

Show a bit of decorium.

You're a good man, Captain Napoleon.

You can't help being pompous.

Thank you...

THEY CHATTER DRUNKENLY

Pull yourselves together...

My, they HAVE had a lot.

I hope they'll be all right.

I haven't touched it since...that night.

THEY GIGGLE

Hymn 482.

Come, Ye Thankful People Come, Raise the song of harvest home,

All is safely gathered in, Ere the winter storms begin.

ORGAN PLAYS

# Come, ye... #

Who are you shoving?

You staggered against me. You can't hold your liquor.

Don't you talk to me like that, you drunken old snob!

Stop it.

All right, Frazer, I can look after myself.

Don't you start anything.

Just clear off, will you?

Stay in your own place.

Don't you push that old man.

# Come, ye thankful people come

# Raise the song of harvest home. #

Keep playing.

Don't push the organist.

PIKE YELLS MANIC THREATS

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd