All Is Safely Gathered In Dad's Army


All Is Safely Gathered In

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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game

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# We are the boys who will make you think again

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# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

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# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

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# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done? #

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-Haven't they arrived yet?

-No.

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It's unusual for Mr Mainwaring and Mr Wilson to be late.

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The trouble is, my bus goes at ten past and they won't hold it.

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You go. I'll explain to Mr Mainwaring.

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I can't do that. He might be upset.

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He won't be upset. I brought him four sausages

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and a quarter pound of dripping.

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Not a lot, but it's the thought that counts.

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JONES HUMS

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-Look, mind the door.

-All right, all right. There we go.

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Be careful and don't bump it, Mr Mainwaring.

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-Don't be silly. It's not that delicate.

-Don't make a fuss, Frank.

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Excuse me, Mr Mainwaring, Mr Godfrey would...

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No, no, not just now. No, no, no.

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Call the men on parade, Jones. I've got something important to tell them.

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He has to go, or it will be too late.

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Tell him to go now and get back on parade as fast as he can.

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Hang on and if Mr Mainwaring hasn't finished,

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I'll get the verger to hold it.

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Just look at this, Mr Mainwaring.

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Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na!

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Stop it, Pike.

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I brought it in. I'll handle it first.

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-Beautifully balanced.

-Yes, of course.

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A devastating weapon in the right hands.

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Even more devastating in the wrong hands.

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Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na!

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Pike, will you stop that?

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Sorry.

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-Let's show it to the troops.

-Right.

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-You bring the mags along.

-Yes.

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Mr Mainwaring, please, let me take it.

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Will you...will you put it down?

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Pike! Fall in at once.

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Can't you control that boy?

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He thinks it's a game.

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At ease, everyone.

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Well, men.

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You've waited for it

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and here it is.

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ALL: Ahhh!

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Now, this is probably the most sophisticated side arm ever invented.

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It fires 650 rounds of 4.5 ammunition per minute.

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The drum holds 50 rounds.

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-Have you got the drum, Wilson?

-Of course, sir.

-Well, hold it up.

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Sergeant Wilson is holding up the drum.

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The spring...magazine, spring-clip magazine, holds 20 rounds.

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-Show it, Wilson.

-Yes, indeed, sir.

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Here's the clip.

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Excuse me, has that got a detachment for a bayonet?

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No, I'm afraid it hasn't.

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-Oh, what a pity.

-You'd soon run out of bullets.

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You'd just touch the trigger and your magazine's empty.

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I think it will last longer than that. Don't you, Wilson?

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-Just under two seconds, I would think, sir.

-Yes.

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I tell you what, Joe, we'll time it.

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I'll say go and then I'll say stop.

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Captain Mainwaring.

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Not just now, Godfrey.

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-Stand by, go!

-THEY BLOW RASPBERRIES

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Stop. You're going to need a bayonet.

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Just a minute, Captain Mainwaring. Yon drum holds 50 rounds.

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It WILL go on longer. Something like...

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HE BLOWS A LONGER RASPBERRY

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Thank you, Frazer.

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Captain Mainwaring, who's going to have it first? May I?

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Certainly not.

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-Excuse me.

-Not you, Godfrey.

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Let's take it in turns. General Macauley always said, "Take it in turns."

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General Macauley? Who was he?

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Well, he wasn't very important, but he used to say, "Take it in turns."

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That's all I can remember of him, really.

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Let's have a whist drive and the winner has the first go.

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Certainly not. I won't have the technical future of this unit

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decided by cards. We shall draw lots for it.

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I know you're disappointed, Godfrey, but I want to be fair.

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-May I have three days' holiday?

-Now, just fall back... What did you say?

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I'd like three days' holiday.

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Have you gone out of your mind?

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Hitler's waiting to pounce. We're in the front line.

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I wouldn't ask normally, but it's to do with a friend.

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I see.

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It's all a little involved.

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Yes, I'm quite sure it is.

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Permission to interfere, sir.

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Mr Godfrey won't speak up for himself.

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He's too much the gentleman, but my lips are not sealed.

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I can reveal, at the bottom of this, there is a woman.

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Is that true, Godfrey?

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Well, yes and er...no.

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Yes and no? What sort of an answer's that?

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It's a bit of each, innit?

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Don't be impudent. Come into the office, Godfrey.

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And you too, Wilson.

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Right, sir.

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Mr Mainwaring, please may I look after the Tommy gun? Please.

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-Oh, very well.

-Thank you.

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They also call it the Chicago piano.

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What did you say?

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The Chicago piano.

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Stupid boy.

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Yon Godfrey has a queer, fey look.

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More than likely, he's a sexual maniac.

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-Not now, Vicar.

-Oh, really.

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Wilson, you'd better take notes.

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-Wilson.

-Sorry. Of course. Of course, I will.

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Now, Godfrey... What are you doing here, Jones?

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It's like this, sir. Mr Godfrey is a retiring gentleman

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and won't speak up for himself.

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I would like to speak for him, me being privy to his intimate details,

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through things what he told me in his CONTINENCE.

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Is that all right with you, Godfrey?

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-Well...

-Thank you very much, Mr Godfrey. It's like this, sir.

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Just before the commencement of the Boer War, it all started.

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Mr Godfrey here, he was a dandy young buck of some 20 summers.

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-I'm sorry. I didn't catch that.

-Dandy.

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Oh. Dandy. I'm so sorry.

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He fell for a beautiful young lady who was in service

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in one of the great halls. Are you listening, sir?

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Of course.

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Them days weren't like these days.

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If you were a serving wench, you had to mind your peas and onions.

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You started up in the morning -

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5.30 blacken the grate until 8.30 at night putting the cat out.

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They gave you one Sunday a month off and they paid you 3s/6d a week,

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less laundry, but it was a good life.

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I can't sit and listen to this rigmarole.

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Sorry, sir. I was transgressing.

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Mr Godfrey, not getting a chance to see her much,

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was unable to plight his troth,

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which he would have done, given a chance.

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Him being a virile young man, as we all was then.

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Me more than most. You're not in a hurry, sir?

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Yes, I am. Get to the point.

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He wants three days' holiday.

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I know that. Be quiet, Jones, and let Godfrey speak.

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He won't let me speak.

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Be quiet, Jones. Be quiet.

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I want three days' holiday to help with the harvest.

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To help with the harvest?

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That's hardly a holiday. That's important work, Wilson.

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It is. I'm sorry, but I haven't got down half of what Corporal Jones has been saying.

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Don't worry. I don't think it had anything to do with it.

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It HAD something to do with it.

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That young lady married a farmer and now she's a widow.

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It's her harvest he wants to help with.

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-Her foreman's gone to hospital.

-Hernia.

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-Hernia.

-Left side.

-Left side.

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Never mind that.

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Has she no other form of labour?

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Three land girls. I'd like to help because I'm close, but I've missed the bus.

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Yes.

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Well, look here. How many acres does she farm?

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100 acres of wheat.

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-100. This is vital, Wilson.

-Of course, sir.

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The country needs every grain of corn.

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We'll give this harvest top priority.

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We'll call for volunteers and Jones can take them in his van.

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Now he needs me. A moment ago, he cast me off like an old acquaintance.

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-Jones, go and call the men in.

-Yes.

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It's very kind of you. Could I ring her and tell her the good news?

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Of course, Godfrey. Carry on.

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-Now, Wilson.

-Yes, sir?

-Get the normal role. Tick off...

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# Little hen, when, when, when will you lay me an egg for my tea? #

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I want my office. It's full of people playing soldiers.

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Settle yourself down there. No-one will disturb you.

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Thank you, Mr Yateman.

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For goodness' sake, Mr Yateman, how can I...

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Thank God I found you. I need to talk.

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I hear you had a narrow escape last night.

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It was a miracle! It landed beside me.

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If it had gone off, I wouldn't be here.

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A miracle, indeed.

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It knocked my pint of beer clear out of my hand. Look!

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It was a deliverance.

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More like a judgment.

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Go away, Mr Yateman.

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Yes, sir.

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I should have been killed. I was spared.

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Why me? Why me?! Answer me that! Why me?! Why? Why? Why?

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I can't think.

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I'm a simple greengrocer.

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Do you think he's saving me for a great purpose?

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Well, you never know.

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I've always been rotten, but I'll turn over a new leaf.

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I'll be kind to everyone, love my enemies, but not Hitler.

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I'll be good to Captain Mainwaring and help him. He's a good man.

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- I'm sure he is. - I'll be right behind him.

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Marvellous news.

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Thank you. I needed your guidance.

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I'm glad to be of help.

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You were a rock for me to cling to.

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A pleasure, I'm sure.

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# Little hen, when, when, when will you try to supply one for me? #

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HENS CLUCK

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Right, come along.

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Stack all your stuff down there. In that corner.

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Hang onto your rifles. You don't want to be surprised by Nazis.

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Don't worry, Mr Mainwaring. I won't let them surprise us.

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I'll fill them full of lead. Na-na-na-na-na-na!

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Will you stop that?

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How did he get hold of the gun?

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-Frazer was supposed to be first.

-Pike had a private arrangement.

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-I won't have private arrangements on duty.

-Right.

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Colonel Mainwaring, it is kind of you, all of you, to help me like this.

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I'm afraid it's a bit rough and ready for you.

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Don't worry. We just want to gather in the harvest.

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We've got a bit of a problem there.

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Mr Yates of Grove Farm was going to thresh it for me,

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but his thresher's broke, so he's behind.

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Haven't you got one of your own?

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I've got one, but only my foreman can work it.

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-Your foreman?

-Left side.

-Yes, yes. All right.

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We've got enough expertise here to get the wheels turning.

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I don't know, sir. Farming machinery can be complicated.

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-Sponge is a farmer. He ought to be able to fix it.

-True, yes.

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We'll win through, Mrs Prentice.

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Thank you.

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HODGES CHANTS: Left, right!

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-What's he doing here?

-Goodness knows.

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HODGES: Lovely.

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THE MEN WHISTLE THE LAUREL AND HARDY THEME

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Oh, go on home.

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Captain Mainwaring, I'm here to help.

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I think we can manage without him, don't you?

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Yes. Would you mind clearing off?

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Don't send me away. Don't spurn me in England's hour of need.

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We'll stand shoulder to shoulder against the foe.

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Let 'em come and you and I, Captain Mainwaring, we'll shock them.

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Is he, erm...

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-drunk?

-I don't know. I've really no idea, sir.

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Watch him. He's up to something.

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Fall in in three ranks outside.

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Fall in in three ranks outside. Do as the captain says!

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Just a minute. I'm the one that does the bawling and shouting.

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Sorry, Corporal Jones. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

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I want to help the good captain.

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You could be right. He may well have been drinking.

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Oh.

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Thank you, Charles. How lovely.

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I'm sorry about last Sunday, but Dolly was under the weather.

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Oh. Oh, poor old soul.

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She's three years younger than me.

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# Sergeant Sally, Sergeant Sally

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# Is coming home on leave today

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# Sergeant Sally, sweetheart of our alley, we've missed her

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# Since she's been away

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# What a welcome there'll be when she walks down the street

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# With three stripes on her arm... #

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Blimey. What have we got here?

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Platoon, halt!

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-Wardens, halt!

-Fall out and gather round.

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Fall out and gather round like the good captain says.

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I don't suppose this is as complicated as it looks.

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-Sponge.

-Yes?

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I want you to select as many men as you want and show them how this works.

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-I don't know how it works.

-I thought you said he was a farmer.

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-I'm sure he is.

-Yeah, a sheep farmer.

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A sheep farmer. They don't thresh sheep.

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Perhaps those land girls know.

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-Well, ask them.

-All right, sir.

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Excuse me. Do you happen to know how this thing works?

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Sorry. We've only been here three weeks.

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Well, never mind. May I say how charming you look in your uniforms?

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-I really mean that.

-Thanks very much.

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-Absolutely...

-All right, Wilson.

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Excuse me, Captain Mainwaring. I know how it works.

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Oh, good. Well done, Jones.

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Pay attention. Jones knows how it works.

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Would you mind holding that, sir? I might want to use my hands.

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Right, pay attention.

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There! That there, over there, that is the engine!

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And here, this... And this complication here,

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this is the threshing...thing.

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I'm not getting too technical for them, sir?

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Not yet, Corporal.

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You take the stalk and you heave it up there. Whoops! Right on the top.

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Meanwhile the engine...the engine over here,

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it just goes puff, puff, puff, puff, puff, puff, puff, puff.

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That belt is working...working along the threshing here.

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It's going jib-jib-a-jib, jib-jib-a-jib.

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While it's going jib-jib-a-jib,

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inside here, the straw's all going...mushing round like that.

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Meanwhile, that's causing over here... Another section.

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This section here, like that, it's causing that movement.

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And it all goes whoops-a-daisy up,

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over the end and in the meantime...

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Meantime, all the grain, which is still inside, is come wheedling...

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Sorry about that, sir.

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It comes wheedling through here

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and the grain comes in the sack.

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Woom-woom, woom-woom.

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Then it's all done.

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Yes. I think we've got the gist of what Corporal Jones is saying.

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Jones, your section will be in charge of this operation

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and the rest can reap and gather.

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-What shall I do, Captain Mainwaring?

-Just keep quiet.

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Keep quiet, everybody.

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Keep quiet for the good captain. >

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I want someone on top to load the hopper from the cart.

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I'd like to volunteer to load the hopper from the cart.

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-Very well, Jones. Pike, help him.

-Yeah.

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I'll keep them all covered. Na-na-na!

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I usually superintend the grain going into the sacks.

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Do you? Right, carry on.

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Walker, you'll be in charge of stacking the stall.

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Where's Walker? Walker!

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-Walker!

-Did you call, sir?

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See that the straw is well stacked.

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-See it's what?

-Well stacked!

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Yeah. Her name's Judy.

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-Come along.

-Right, sir.

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We've got to get this machine going.

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-Would you know how, Wilson?

-I'm afraid not.

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Mum says you can't even use a tin-opener.

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I don't think that's awfully funny, Frank.

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Probably true, though.

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-I can work the engine.

-Good. Well done, Frazer. Go to it.

0:19:150:19:20

Captain Mainwaring, what can I do to help you in your good work, sir?

0:19:200:19:25

Oh. Go and look after the horse. Give it a handful of grass.

0:19:250:19:29

-What about me, sir?

-Keep a tally on the loads of grain.

0:19:290:19:33

Mrs Prentice, we'll soon have things running

0:19:330:19:36

as smooth as a sewing machine. Off you go, Frazer.

0:19:360:19:40

Aye, sir.

0:19:400:19:42

Hey! Hey! I've done it, sir! I've done it!

0:19:480:19:52

Hey, it's going!

0:19:520:19:54

Mr Mainwaring! It's going judder, judder, judder.

0:19:540:19:58

Start loading, Jones!

0:19:590:20:01

Right, sir. Right.

0:20:010:20:03

Well, I saved you from that, didn't I?

0:20:140:20:16

Now I need saving from something else.

0:20:160:20:19

You bet! Hey!

0:20:190:20:21

Wilson, stop all that.

0:20:260:20:28

Captain Mainwaring, it isn't coming through.

0:20:460:20:49

Isn't it? Load away, Jones!

0:20:490:20:51

I'm loading as fast as I can, Mr Mainwaring!

0:20:510:20:56

Maybe I have a constriction in my tubes.

0:20:560:20:59

All right. Let's have a look.

0:20:590:21:02

Argh!

0:21:040:21:06

No, it looks all right to me.

0:21:070:21:09

Mr Mainwaring, I'm sorry to bother you,

0:21:100:21:13

-but you ought to know Mr Jones has fallen in the hopper.

-Good.

0:21:130:21:18

-What?

-Yes!

-Jones!

0:21:180:21:19

JONES GROANS

0:21:190:21:21

-Frazer, stop the engine!

-Eh?

0:21:210:21:24

Oh, for goodness' sake. Hey! TOOTS HORN

0:21:260:21:30

Come on, Wilson!

0:21:300:21:32

HORN CONTINUES TOOTING

0:21:320:21:34

Get him oot!

0:21:380:21:41

Jones!

0:21:410:21:42

Jones, are you all right?

0:21:420:21:44

JONES GROANS

0:21:440:21:45

Mr Mainwaring, some of the straw's got buttons on.

0:21:450:21:49

Jones's trousers.

0:21:490:21:51

-Get him out.

-All right.

0:21:510:21:53

JONES GROANS

0:21:530:21:55

Mr Mainwaring, it went jidder judder and tore my trousers off.

0:21:560:22:01

Are you all right?

0:22:010:22:03

I've lost that which I hold most dear.

0:22:030:22:06

Oh, no.

0:22:060:22:07

My pocketbook and discharge papers.

0:22:070:22:10

It's all right, Jonesy, I got it!

0:22:100:22:13

It's all right, Mr Mainwaring, he's only lost his trousers.

0:22:130:22:17

Get him out.

0:22:170:22:19

I can't get out in front of the land ladies.

0:22:190:22:22

Take the trousers off that scarecrow.

0:22:220:22:25

-I've been through a terrible experience.

-Get on with it, Jones.

0:22:250:22:30

He's not very sympathetic.

0:22:300:22:35

Look lively. We're holding up the harvest.

0:22:320:22:35

Oh!

0:22:350:22:38

That's it.

0:22:390:22:40

Well, that's it, men. That's the lot.

0:24:530:24:57

Three cheers for the good captain! Hip-hip!

0:24:570:25:00

ALL: Hurray!

0:25:000:25:02

Hip-hip! ALL: Hurray!

0:25:020:25:04

HODGES: Hip-hip! ALL: Hurray!

0:25:040:25:07

I've got a real nice harvest spread for you,

0:25:070:25:11

home-made pasties and potato wine.

0:25:110:25:13

ALL: Hurray!

0:25:130:25:15

Then the Vicar's coming over to bless the harvest.

0:25:150:25:19

Good afternoon, Mr Yateman. Good afternoon, Your Reverence.

0:25:310:25:35

SINGING IN THE DISTANCE

0:25:350:25:37

This all looks very nice.

0:25:380:25:39

Thank you, Your Reverence.

0:25:390:25:42

The congregation can sit here.

0:25:420:25:44

Excellent. Where ARE the congregation?

0:25:440:25:47

Still celebrating. Good heavens.

0:25:470:25:49

DRUNKEN SINGING >

0:25:490:25:51

LAUGHTER MRS PRENTICE: Come along!

0:25:510:25:54

What on earth are they drinking?

0:25:540:25:56

Potato wine. I only tried it once.

0:25:560:25:59

Was it good? I got very belligerent.

0:25:590:26:02

Oh, dear.

0:26:020:26:03

MRS PRENTICE: Come along! The vicar's waiting!

0:26:030:26:07

Outside, men.

0:26:070:26:09

DRUNKEN SINGING

0:26:090:26:11

That potato wine certainly is strong.

0:26:110:26:14

Show me the man who says it isn't.

0:26:140:26:17

Get off!

0:26:170:26:18

Now, come along, my brave lads.

0:26:180:26:21

Show a bit of decorium.

0:26:210:26:22

You're a good man, Captain Napoleon.

0:26:240:26:27

You can't help being pompous.

0:26:270:26:29

Thank you...

0:26:290:26:31

THEY CHATTER DRUNKENLY

0:26:320:26:34

Pull yourselves together...

0:26:340:26:37

My, they HAVE had a lot.

0:26:400:26:42

I hope they'll be all right.

0:26:420:26:45

I haven't touched it since...that night.

0:26:450:26:48

THEY GIGGLE

0:26:480:26:49

Hymn 482.

0:26:490:26:52

Come, Ye Thankful People Come, Raise the song of harvest home,

0:26:520:26:57

All is safely gathered in, Ere the winter storms begin.

0:26:570:27:01

ORGAN PLAYS

0:27:010:27:03

# Come, ye... #

0:27:070:27:09

Who are you shoving?

0:27:090:27:11

You staggered against me. You can't hold your liquor.

0:27:110:27:15

Don't you talk to me like that, you drunken old snob!

0:27:150:27:20

Stop it.

0:27:210:27:23

All right, Frazer, I can look after myself.

0:27:230:27:26

Don't you start anything.

0:27:270:27:29

Just clear off, will you?

0:27:290:27:31

Stay in your own place.

0:27:370:27:39

Don't you push that old man.

0:27:390:27:41

# Come, ye thankful people come

0:27:410:27:44

# Raise the song of harvest home. #

0:27:440:27:49

Keep playing.

0:27:540:27:57

Don't push the organist.

0:27:570:27:59

PIKE YELLS MANIC THREATS

0:28:180:28:21

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0:29:180:29:22

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