The King Was in His Counting House Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game

# We are the boys who will make you think again

# 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21

# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done? #

Yes, Elizabeth.

No! I...all right, that's settled, then.

I'll get them to come at eight.

Sandwiches and beer. That should create a convivial mood.

You don't want them to have beer?

I've got to give them something to drink.

-They won't get drunk and smash the house up. My men are not hooligans.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

Come in.

Yes.

Right! No, no, no!

Not the dress with the fringe!

It makes you look like a flapper.

I'm sure no one would mind if you wore a siren suit Churchill does.

What?

Making the final plans for the party tonight, sir?

Yes. Just making sure the little woman had everything under control.

Do you realise it's the first time I've visited your house?

Yes. We haven't entertained much during the war.

But I thought the platoon should meet on equal terms.

Very democratic.

I realise, of course, that it's very difficult for you.

Being your superior at the bank and also your commanding officer in the platoon, we rarely meet as equals.

-No, we don't,

-However, tonight you may call me George.

Thanks awfully.

-And I shall call you Arthur.

-Good.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Come in!

-Some letters to sign, Mr Mainwaring.

-Thank you, Pike.

-Looking forward to the party, Uncle Arthur?

-Yes, I am. George has been talking about it.

Who's George?

You can call me George at the party, not here.

-May I call you George at the party?

-Certainly not.

-Sir, what happens in the night, if the balloon goes up?

-Are we having balloons?

Of course we're not having balloons, stupid boy!

Don't worry, Wilson, I've made provision. Two sections will be on duty in the church hall.

I AM looking forward to this. Everybody together in civilians in a happy, relaxed atmosphere.

Well...very nice of you to come.

Nice of you to ask us, George.

Aye, ve-ve-ve-ver-very nice.

Very nice indeed.

What a lovely party, Mr Mainwaring.

Yes. I'm enjoying myself.

I certainly am, sir.

No, no, please, George.

No, I'm not George. I'm Jack.

I know. I want you to call ME George, Jack.

It's very nice of you. I shall enjoy doing that.

-I say, look at the time, Arthur.

-My goodness.

-Joe's late.

I bet he's up to some shady business.

We mustn't judge him too hastily, Fra...Ja...er, Jim.

My wife will be down soon and we can start the refreshments.

I'm looking forward to meeting your wife, sir...George.

Sir George! The man hasnae been knighted!

-DOORBELL RINGS

-That'll be Joe. Let him in, Pike.

-Yes, Mr Mainwaring.

How's business, Ja...James?

I cannae complain. A lady in today ordered one of our best oak coffins.

Her husband dropped down dead.

Just like that.

Just about your age and build, he was. Went out like a light.

-Joe Walker and friend.

-Friend?

Evening, this is Shirley.

Nice to meet you. Trust Joe to bring a tart.

Excuse me, I'd better go and see how my wife is doing.

-Why did you bring her? I said it was stag!

-Your old lady might like to meet her.

Hardly likely.

What's this? Secrets?

Erm...excuse me.

What's up with you lot? It's like an undertakers' convention.

I thought he'd have had a better place than this. I've never seen such a load of rubbish.

There's nothing here worth tuppence.

This is nice.

Yes, we've got one at home. If you shake it hard, you start a snowstorm.

Really?

-Ooh! Uncle Arthur, if you shake it, you get a snow storm.

-Very nice. Don't wave it!

You've done it now. Mr George will be furious.

-What can I do?

-Why can't you leave things alone?

Here, give it to me. Come here. I'll fix it.

Sorry, Fred.

Thanks, Joe.

-What are you doing?

-Picking up the snow.

-He's coming back.

-Put it over there.

WHISTLING

-Enjoying yourselves?

-Yes, rather.

-Yes. Pike and I are having a nice whistle.

-Good.

My wife will be a few minutes, so let's start.

Can you pass the sandwiches, Arthur?

Oh, yes. Of course I will, George.

Beer, anybody?

ALL: Yes!

Don't stand on ceremony! Tuck in!

I'm pouring the beer into wine glasses...

..because I thought it would give the occasion a more festive air.

And it goes further!

Help yourselves.

-Thank you.

-Thank you, George.

-Cheers!

-ALL: Cheers!

I...er...I haven't shown you round yet, have I?

I've got one or two amusing curios and antiques you might be amused by.

A load of rubbish.

I bought this weather house for my wife on our honeymoon. If it's fine the lady comes out...

..the man means trouble.

Don't tell me!

Ah! Now here's a very interesting curio.

Victorian. It belonged to my grandmother.

-She was Victorian too!

-If you shake it, it gives the impression of a snowstorm.

Strange, there's no snow.

The woman's out.

Well...

Ah! There's a fine picture.

My late father Edmund Mainwaring.

A wonderful man. He had a successful tailoring business in Eastbourne.

A member of the Master Tailors' Guild.

Did he make that suit?

Silly boy! He died in 1922.

So did that suit!

KNOCKING FROM ABOVE

-Sounds like Elizabeth coming down.

-Through the ceiling!

I'll just let her know that the party is in full swing.

I've known Eastbourne for fifty years. His father never had a posh tailor's shop.

He had a pokey little drapers' shop up a side street with old workmen's trousers hanging up.

My brother bought a pair and the gusset fell out.

I wish to God that wife of his would come down.

The sooner we get this charade over, the better.

I wonder what she looks like.

I've spoken to her on the phone she's always cross.

-He's seen her.

-What's she like? >

-Well, she's a bit odd...

-DOORBELL RINGS

Answer that door, please, Frank.

Tell us!

-It's hard...

-I think it's caddish. I'm sure she's a charming lady.

What's going on here? A party. Watch the blackout!

-Where's Mainwaring?

-With his wife in the bedroom.

One of those parties, is it?

How dare you burst in like this?

They're coming! FRAZER: I can't wait to see her!

Nor me.

She's on her way.

-What are you doing here?

-A light was on.

My wife stumbled against the blackout.

-Been at the bismuth again?

-How dare you?

Come along, dear. They're dying to see you.

HEAVY FOOTSTEPS

AIR-RAID SIREN

RAPID FOOTSTEPS

Elizabeth!

Elizabeth! For heaven's sake, say hello before you go!

-She's gone to the shelter.

-We'll never know what she's like.

I'm off. You're not staying here, are you?

What we do is our own affair. It's probably only a solitary plane. The last twitchings of the Nazi beast.

FAINT WHISTLING Get down!

SERIES OF EXPLOSIONS

There's no room for two of us. This is MY little hidey-hole!

You wouldn't drive me out into the fire and tempest?!

I can't stand being squashed up with strangers.

But I'm the verger!

Hello, Gerald. Where did that lot come down?

One on the taxi garage... Any casualties? ..No, right.

What about the third one...?

That's lucky. Good job it was closed. I'm coming over.

-Good job WHAT was closed?

-The bank.

-The BANK?!

-Yeah, direct hit!

-There's a bomb on the bank! Don't panic!

-Quiet, Jones!

-We must get down there right way.

-Right, sir.

Wilson, Frazer, Jones, Pike, Walker... Where's Walker?

-I'm here.

-Come out at once.

It's not safe. It's not safe here, either!

(God!)

Look at all that lolly!

Pike, guard the door. Frazer, keep an eye on this hole.

-What shall we do?

-I don't want Hodges' lot around, with this money lying about.

All right, we can do without you.

This is an ARP matter. Clear out!

-I'M responsible for this bank. Are you going or not?

-No!

All right...

..get out!

Stop pointing that gun at me. Who do you think we are?

-You might be looters!

-Looters?!

There's a war on and I'm entitled to shoot you. Get your rabble out.

-That's right, you shoot him!

-You mind your own business.

-You haven't heard the last of this!

-Get out.

-You'll hear more of this!

I'LL have that.

Now, we'll put this money where we can keep an eye on it.

Excuse me, I've got a very good idea.

If we put this money in a place of security, we can keep an eye on it.

-Thank you, corporal.

-Yes, sir!

-We'll take it to the church hall.

Something has occurred to me, George.

We're not at the party now, Wilson.

What are we going to carry it in?

-That's a problem.

-You can have a box from the funeral parlour, but we'll have to empty it.

Thank you, no.

My sister, Dolly, keeps her money in a mattress. We could take the stuffing out of a mattress and...

Mr Mainwaring, you know the curtains and curtain poles in your office?

We could carry the money in them.

Any more ridiculous suggest...?

-That's a good idea! Go and get them.

-Yes!

-I'm off.

-Oh no you're not! I need your help.

I might ruin my stockings!

Don't worry, I'll buy you some more.

That's what you said the last time we were on a bombsite together!

Captain Mainwaring should be HERE!

All I know is Mr Mainwaring is giving a party tonight. I'm here in charge.

VICAR: Where have you been?!

I've no time to discuss that. The bank has been bombed.

Put it down here.

Pour it on top of there.

-How much was in the vaults?

-I have it here, somewhere. According to the books £96,478 11s 4d.

We'll have to count it.

Perhaps you and the verger would help us, Vicar?

I wouldn't soil my hands with it!

Drive them out like the money changers in the temple!

We mustn't check money on church property!

Is that why you count the collection in the Red Lion?

How dare you!

Get this money out of here quickly.

Come along! Why DO you always count the collection in the Red Lion?

The landlord helps. Two heads are better than one.

You can go home now. I've finished with you.

-YOU'VE got a cheek!

-Pardon?

You're just like ALL men! You use a girl and then cast her off.

Cast her off?! Walker, deal with this young lady.

Come on, Shirl.

What's more, you older men are worse than the young ones!

I shall have to talk to Walker about the company he keeps.

-I never knew you were interested in girls, George.

-How dare you!

-Stop using my Christian name!

-I beg your pardon. I can't seem to get out of the habit.

-Tell Sponge I want an armed guard on this money while we count it.

-Right.

-Maximum security.

-Of course.

Maximum security. Look, Sponge...

Right now... You've been a long time!

I thought I ought to search her for money.

-We'll have to count this money.

-That will take all night!

-I'd like to be a counter, sir.

-All right.

Excuse me, there seems to be a bit of a problem. Sponge is sulking.

Sulking?!

They don't mind normal Home Guard duties, but they object to guarding your money.

-Why?

-They're upset at not being invited to your party.

-Oh, really!

Tell them I'll give them a party next week.

-Now, Corporal Jones, you'll count the £5 notes.

-Yes, sir!

Walker, the £1 notes, Pike, the silver, and Frazer, the copper.

Hey! Hold on! That's not fair.

Why should I count the dirty copper? Let me count the £5 notes.

Let that old fool count the dirty copper!

Old fool?! Count the copper like he said.

That's enough of that.

We shall need something to count it on. Bring that table and blanket over.

Jones, tell the men to form a ring of steel round the money.

Right, Section 2 and Section 3 - fix bayonets!

Ring of steel, at the double, form!

Listen! Anyone trying to fondle this money, let 'em have it - right up!

Ring of steel, about turn!

Ring of steel, stand at ease!

Ring of steel, shunt!

Ring of steel, stand at ease.

Ring of steel at the ready, sir!

£1,555...

£1,560...

£1,565...

£1,570...

£1,580...

No, wait a minute. I'll have to start again.

Five, ten...

..fifteen...

56, 57... Hello, what's this? What's that dirty ten-bob note doing there?

Walker, this is no time for tomfoolery. Get on with it.

Pike, did you speak to the Eastgate branch manager?

-I phoned him at home. He was having a party.

-A party?! What did he say?

You can put the money in his vault tomorrow.

Splendid. Right, count the silver.

Are you managing with the copper? It's stained my hands!

It matches your face! That does it! Either I count the £5 notes or I'm going home.

All right, change places with Jones.

-That's not fair.

-Don't argue.

Let's see how YOU like dirty copper!

At least I'm highly disciplined,

and it's a pleasure to obey unpleasant orders!

Wilson!

Wilson!!

I'm terribly sorry, sir. I must have dozed off.

You're just as responsible for this money as I am!

-Order a taxi to get it to Eastgate tomorrow.

-All right.

-We'll need another taxi for the armed escort. Remember, maximum security.

-Yes.

Keep alert!

They're going all over the floor.

I'm not used to this sort of work.

-I tell you what...

-What are you doing?

-Tuck the blanket in your trousers.

-What for?

-It will catch pennies that drop.

Right, I'll give it a try.

-That's a good idea, it works!

-See.

-Did you order the taxis?

-The garage was bombed and both taxis were hit.

We HAVE to get this money to Eastgate.

-I can get transport.

-Go and deal with it.

We seem to have got some order out of the chaos.

Another hour's work will finish it.

But what will we get this money to Eastgate IN?

-There's a laundry basket in the choir room full of surplices. You could use that!

-That's a good idea.

Just one thing, what do we do with the surplus surplices?

Just go and get the basket!

Very good, sir...

-How much is there?

-£96,478 and one shilling.

Not bad, only ten and fourpence out.

-What time is it?

-It's 7.30, sir.

Oh, dear. Sponge!

Sir?

You and the men get the blackout screens down and then go home.

Leave enough rifles for the armed escort.

Righto. We're looking forward to the party!

The bank will be grateful to me for saving them this money. It may lead to promotion.

Would it never occur to ye that WE may have something to do with the saving of your money?

-The transport is outside.

-Good. Pike?

-Pike!

-Gerroff!

-Come on. Go and get the rifles.

Sir...

-..could I be excused? It's been rather a long night.

-Yes, very well.

Right! Come along.

Wilson, Pike, Joe...

Take the basket, all in together. Lift!

That's it. Right - left, right. Left right...

Left, right. Left, right keep in step!

Left, right. Left, right!

-Where's the vehicle?

-It's there!

-This is a horse and cart!

-Yeah.

That's absurd! I assumed you'd supply motor transport.

-I couldn't get petrol. There IS a war on. It's cheap.

-How much?

-A fiver.

That's absurd. Where is the driver?

A driver is an extra fiver.

A fiver for a driver?! Get that basket loaded.

-You're not going to drive it, are you?

-Yes!

-Do you know how?

-My father kept horses.

-How nice!

-I'm well acquainted with them.

Ah, good.

Whoa!

Why does he have to go so fast?

Mum will find out I was out all night. She thinks I was at the party.

Tell her it was an all-night party.

Why did he drag us ALL out?

We're armed escorts. Captain Mainwaring said he needed maximum security.

Does he think we'll be attacked by Red Indians?!

-Look!

-Oh, Lord!

Wow! Ho, ho!

The money's falling out! Come back!

Pikey, get on your bike and stop him!

Mr Mainwaring!

Stop, Mr Mainwaring! The money's falling out!

I've got to attract his attention.

Subtitles by Andy Nicholls and Bohdan Buciak