A Soldier's Farewell Dad's Army

# Who do you think You are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys Who will stop your little game

# We are the boys Who will make you think again

# Cos who do you think You are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town On the 8.21

# But he comes home each evening And he's ready with his gun

# So, who do you think You are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done? #

'My darling, we have only a few short hours before the ship takes to me to Elba.'

-'Why don't you try to escape to America?'

-'I cannot escape my destiny.'

'Napoleon, the British hate you. They will kill you.'

Rubbish!

'Without you, my darling Marie, I am an empty shell.'

'Then I will go with you.'

'No, we will say goodbye now.'

Rubbish! >

'Oh, Napoleon...'

'The British broke my army... and you broke my heart.'

'I'll never know a love like yours.'

'I leave you standing here, Marie.

'And in your care, I leave the most precious thing in my life...'

'La Belle France.'

NATIONAL ANTHEM STARTS

Have your fares ready, please.

Disgraceful! Everyone charging out during the National Anthem.

Thought YOU'D have stayed, set an example.

I just got carried off in the rush.

Really(!) I'm surprised at you too, Godfrey.

Sir, I had to leave rather quickly for a rather urgent reason.

-Enjoy the picture, Mr Mainwaring?

-Not really.

I thought it would be more about strategy and tactics.

I thought we might learn something.

But instead we got Napoleon chasing Greta Garbo round a four-poster bed.

That IS strategy and tactics, innit?

-Well,

-I

-learned something from it.

Bit late to do anything about it now, though! Did you like it, Jock?

Rubbish! Sheer rubbish! A waste of one-and-six.

-Joe, remember when he took her in his arms in the snow?

-Smashing!

"Darling, you 'ave beautiful 'air, beautiful eyes, beautiful lips, beautiful moustache...!"

I liked when he was saying farewell to his troops.

Hey, why don't we all do an impression of Charles Boyer?

-Whoever does it worst pays all the fares.

-OK. You start.

Right. "Soldiers of Fwance. Our cowse is lost.

"I will now say goodbye. Wiv zis kiss I embrace you all..."

-That was rotten.

-How about this. 'Ere we go.

"Soldiers of France, our cause is lost.

"And I'm going to give you a nice big kiss!"

-Did you enjoy it, Sponge?

-No, I couldn't see very well. We should've sat in the ninepennies.

The cheap seats at the front? No!

-You never know WHO'S been sitting in them!

-Let's have a sing-song!

ALL: # Oh, the first is number one And the fun has just begun... #

-Stop that! Be quiet!

-# Roll me over, roll me over...#

-Quiet!

-# And be done and do it again! #

-Wilson!

-Very sorry, sir. I beg your pardon.

-What's happening?! The discipline's gone to pot!

-Fares, please.

Two to Walmington-on-Sea, please.

-I must apologise for the singing.

-That's all right.

-I get far worse than that.

-Really? Most upsetting for you.

-I'm used to it. After all, there IS a war on.

-That's no excuse.

Nice of you to think of me. I don't often get considerate passengers like you on my bus.

-Charming woman, Wilson.

-Yes, sir. Awfully nice, very good.

-Yes.

It's difficult dealing with men passengers who get over-familiar.

I'm sure she manages. Probably punches them on the nose.

-Don't be absurd! She's a perfect lady. Must be hard for her being a clippie.

-She's just doing her bit.

I realise that, but a lady shouldn't be exposed to the riff-raff on late-night buses.

ROWDY BANTER

Hello, Napoleon. Been taking the Boy Scouts on an outing?

We've been to the pictures, Mr Hodges.

With Jerries about to invade and all! Leave a note on the beach, did you?

"Dear Hitler, Please don't invade tonight. Gone to cinema."

-Fares, please.

-A tuppenny one and a tickle at the terminus.

-A tickle at the...!

How dare you speak to a lady like that!

It's quite all right, sir. Please sit down. Here's your ticket.

Thank you very much all the same. I really do appreciate it.

-We ARE being gallant tonight, sir.

-Walmington-on-Sea, next stop.

Wilson, I don't want a repeat of what happened at the cinema. I'LL get off the bus first. Tell the men.

Eh, pay attention. When the bus stops, stay where you are,

and let Captain Mainwaring get off first.

Walmington-on-Sea. Red Lion.

It's closing time in five minutes!

SHOUTING AND YELLING

In conclusion, I was shocked and deeply hurt

that my platoon should behave in so disrespectful a manner.

-May I speak a word, Captain?

-Yes, Frazer.

-Speaking purely for myself,

I didnae intend any disrespect, sir. Not at all, sir. Not at all!

But being a student of history, and a man of superior intellect,

I was fair scunnered by the historical inaccuracies in the film. I stuck it as long as I could, sir,

but I finally had to speak to the manager about it - from an intellectual point of view.

And what happened?

I got my one-and-six back.

-Permission to speak, sir.

-Corporal?

-I'd like to say, on behalf of us all, that we're very, very sorry.

-MUTTERS OF AGREEMENT

-Maybe so, but fine words butter no parsnips.

The gramophone, Wilson.

Eh? You can't get butter, and parsnips are out of season.

-I

-can get you butter.

-Walker, quiet.

Now, I'm making the punishment fit the crime - to quote Gilbert and Sullivan.

-What've THEY got to do with it?

-# Make the punishment... #

-Be quiet!

-They were telling me about Gil...

-That will do.

Now, you will come to attention while Sergeant Wilson plays the National Anthem.

And you will stand and reflect,

as this glorious tune floats through the hall. Platoon, attention!

-Wilson.

-Right, sir.

THE GERMAN NATIONAL ANTHEM BEGINS

-Turn that off at once!

-What?

-I said turn that filth off!

-HE TURNS IT OFF

-What's up?

-That was the GERMAN one!

Sorry, I wasn't listening properly.

Sir, why don't we hum it? ALL START HUMMING

-Yes, yes, we know the tune(!)

-Sir, it says on the label, "National Anthems Of All Nations".

-Well, play the BRITISH one!

-Where'll it be?

-Where d'you think? It'll be first!

-Right.

Corporal, take charge, and don't dismiss the men till you've played the Anthem six times.

-Wilson, the office.

-Right.

Oh, and Jo...! Jones, see that the men stand rigidly to attention throughout.

Attention rigidly! Right.

-For heaven's sake!

-I beg your pardon, sir.

-Good evening.

-Why are you at my desk?

-Captain Mainwaring, this is MY office and MY desk.

-It's only through MY kindness that YOU share it.

-I've a lot of work to do.

-So has the vicar.

-Keep out of this, Wilson.

-Right.

-Vicar, you work here all day while I'm busy at the bank.

-Look, NOTHING will get me up out of this chair.

NATIONAL ANTHEM BEGINS

ANTHEM ABOUT TO END

Hey, Jonesy. We dinnae want to stand here all day.

Next time, speed it up a bit.

Yeah, righto.

ANTHEM BEGINS AGAIN Oh, really!

STARTS TO SPEED UP

STOPS ABRUPTLY

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Come in. Ah, Walker.

-Just wanted a word with Captain Mainwaring.

-OK.

(Psst... Hoi, I've got your cheese.)

-Got what?

-I'VE GOT YOUR CHEESE!

-Oh, yes! It isn't for me, of course.

-No.

As I don't approve of such things.

-Then I'll take it back.

-No, no, no!

It's for my wife. She's very partial to Cheddar cheese.

Walmington-on-Sea 9 2, please.

Looks absolutely delicious, sir.

Take your dirty fingers off it!

Be a bit more hygienic, Mr Wilson!

My cheeses are untouched by human hands - they're packed by monkeys.

My wife'll LOVE this cheese. She's a vegetarian.

I planned it as a little surprise. We can have a toasted cheese supper.

-That WILL be cosy.

-That'll be all, Walker.

Right, I'll put it on your account.

-Oh, there's your two bottles of...milk stout.

-Thank you, Walker. Goodnight.

No answer from her, sir?

No, it's very strange. I...

I don't know what's happened.

-I say, that cheese looks delicious, doesn't it?

-Yes, it does.

-Melts in the mouth.

-Does it really?

-Mmm... Elizabeth will be delighted when I take that home.

-Yes...

Wonder where on Earth the woman's go... Hello! Elizabeth?

You took a long time to answer, dear. Where've you been? I see.

-She's been down in the air-raid shelter.

-Oh, yes.

I thought we could sleep in the house tonight, dear.

After all, we haven't had a raid for over a week now.

Oh, very well. Yes. All right.

I, eh... I might have a little surprise for you tonight.

No, no! I've bought...!

-Anything wrong, sir?

-No, no, no.

-She's had supper and she's going to bed.

-Oh. Didn't you tell her about the cheese?

-Wouldn't listen.

-Oh.

-Whenever you plan a surprise for a woman, it goes wrong.

-Hmm...

I still fancy that toasted cheese supper. I won't understand women if I live to be a hundred.

Sir, why don't WE have the supper here?

You mean, just us two together?

Yes. We've got bread, and some milk stout...

-That's very thoughtful of you, Wilson.

-Thank you, sir.

Somebody wrote once - I forget who it was -

"The love for a woman waxes and wanes

"like the moon and the stars.

"But the friendship of a man lasts for eternity."

I value your comradeship, Wilson.

Thank you, sir. That's very kind of you.

-You won't forget to pay for your half?

-No, no, sir.

-Right, you make the toast and I'll cut the cheese.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-For heaven's sake! Come in! Oh, it's you.

-Well, I'm off. 'Night...

That's a nice piece of cheese! Having a little snack?

-Yes. There's only enough for two.

-Pity. I'll eat my kidneys on my own.

-BOTH: Kidneys?!

-Yes, I'm taking them home for supper.

-No, don't! I'm sure there's enough to go round.

Yes. Right, we can have toasted cheese and kidneys, with some nice milk stout.

-That's what I call a real meal - very tasty...

-Very sweet!

That was absolutely delicious!

You know, sir, it reminds me of when I was at school and we used to have midnight feasts in the dorm.

Really.

MY school didn't have any midnight feasts.

We managed with a few aniseed balls in the corner of the playground!

MY school didn't even have a playground!

Ooh, that was lovely, that bit of cheese. Really lovely.

I suppose the fact it's hard to get makes it more delicious. There's no doubt about it.

Forbidden fruits taste sweeter.

I remember when I was in the Sudan. There was this native girl...

She was beautiful! Beautiful!

Well, I THINK she was. She was covered up from head to foot,

except for her eyes sticking out.

I don't mean they were sticking out on stalks.

-They just LOOKED as if they were sticking out. D'you get me, sir?

-I think so.

Anyway, it was love at first sight and I went round to tell my colonel.

He said, "Jones, I'm talking to you like a Dutch uncle." That's just a saying, you know.

In fact, he wasn't even Dutch.

"Look here," he said. "You only desire this woman because she's hiding her mystery.

"You take my advice. You won't have no more truck with her."

So, I went round to her house to tell her I'd like to discontinue having truck with her.

Before knocking, I looked through the shutter and there she was, having a wash down.

And the colonel was right - when she was undressed, it wasn't her eyes that stuck out...

-I think I'll go home.

-I haven't finished.

-I've heard enough, thanks.

It's absolutely true, you know.

Women are very difficult to understand.

-You're right there, Wilsy. But Mr Mainwaring's got a nice way with ladies. Eh, sir?

-Not really, no.

What about on the bus when the Warden was rude to that clippie?

-You were very chivalrous to her, sir.

-Well, there's no doubt she was a charming woman. Very charming.

I somehow...don't see HER turning down a toasted cheese supper.

Oh, well...

-Goodnight.

-Goodnight, sir.

-Goodnight.

He's almost human sometimes, isn't he?

Are you awake, Elizabeth?

Oh, I shouldn't have eaten all that cheese!

Far too rich.

Two o'clock!

Where are the bismuth tablets?

How's the battle going, Marshall Ney? I can't see a thing.

I told you - we should've sat down the front in the ninepennies!

-How's it looking, Gordon?

-Good. Bluchner's arrived.

Really? I'm in no mood for playing the piano!

-Your Imperial Majesty.

-Yes, Captain Gerard?

-You 'ave une news terrible.

-What?

-You've lost the ruddy battle, mate.

Look, Wellington! There go my brave Highlanders! Give them hell, lads!

-Yes, they're awfully good.

-My feet are frozen! My damn boots leak.

-Why not wear a pair of Wellingtons?

-He doesn't take my size.

-Fire!

-Balls!

-What?!

-We've run out of cannonballs, sir.

-Oh. Then fix bayonets. Remember -

les Anglais don't like it oopla!

-Cor blimey! That's handy! Pick it up, lad.

-Oui.

If I split my trousers, my ma will be tres cross.

-Aow! It ain't half hot, Corporal.

-Ram it up, lad.

-Fire!

-Excuse me.

Have you got a match?

Those French cannonballs keep starting fires! PUT THE LIGHTS OUT!

Do be quiet! You get on my nerves!

-Oh, look! Looks like one of ours.

-Dinnae waste it, lads. Fire it back!

-Your Imperial Majesty.

-Yes, Captain Gerard?

-You 'ave a more news terrible.

-What?

Wellington's waiting for you to sign the surrender.

Very well. But first, I must say farewell to my troops.

SOMBRE MUSIC

Platoon, halt!

You stupid drummer boy!

Men ready to say farewell to, sir.

Right, bring that little upstart over here.

The Duke is waiting for you to sign the surrender, Your Imperial Majesty.

Very well.

How do you do. How awfully nice to see you. Do sit down. Your name?

Bonaparte.

-Initial?

-N.

-Address?

Versailles - the Palace.

-What street's that in?

-It isn't hard to find.

I see. Right.

Will you please sign that?

-Pen.

-I'm sorry, but I never, ever, lend my pen to anybody.

Have this one - 10 francs.

-Why 10 francs?

-It's special - la plume de ma tante!

-I can't sign this!

-Just sign it, Napoleon!

-Look, man, you're beaten.

-What are you going to do with me?

-Send you to the Isle of Elba.

-Permission to speak, sir.

-Mmm?

-The men are waiting to say farewell.

-Very well.

-What're they doing with you?

Sending me to Elba.

Hence the expression - giving you the Elba!

Goodbye. Awfully sorry you lost.

SOMBRE MUSIC AGAIN

Goodbye, Corporal.

Permission to kiss you, sir.

Goodbye, sir. I'll get my sister Dolly to send you some upside-down cakes.

My mum'll be amazed when I tell her I've been kissed by an emperor.

Soldiers of France, our cause is lost.

Your Emperor must say goodbye.

With this last kiss

I embrace you all.

BLOWS HIS NOSE LOUDLY

Look at the time! They're open!

-Those Frenchies fought awfully well. See if they want a drink.

-Napoleon!

-The Duke wants you all to have a drink with him!

-ALL: Hurray!

Only two more hours together, my dear, before the ship sails.

I can't bear to see you leave, Napoleon.

Nor I to leave you.

You must be brave - the fortunes of war, you know.

But we still have two hours together.

Why don't we have a farewell toasted cheese supper?

Ah... A toasted cheese supper, just you and I.

Please, give me something to remember you by - a likeness perhaps.

Take this.

Think of me sometimes.

I shall keep it always.

DING!

You've punched me on the nose!

CLIPPIE'S DREAMLIKE VOICE: A toasted cheese supper... Just you and I and a toasted cheese supper...

(What time is it?)

Half past eight! Good heavens!

I'll be late for the bank!

You awake, Elizabeth? Elizabe...

"Why were you late last night? I'm not speaking to you today."

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd