Getting the Bird Dad's Army


Getting the Bird

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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game,

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# We are the boys who will make you think again,

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# 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21,

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# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun,

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# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think old England's done? #

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There we are. Take 2/3d, Doris!

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-Good morning, Mr Jones.

-Morning.

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-Two books?

-No, three this week. My brother's home on leave from the Army.

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That's his card.

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I see.

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Have I got enough for a joint?

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Hardly a joint, Mrs Fox, no. Here's your books, dear.

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You could have brisket, but it's rather tough.

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You might prefer cutlets. They're more toothsome.

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-I'll take the cutlets.

-I haven't got any.

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What were you bletherin' about them for?

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Don't be impatient, Mr Frazer. There's a war on, you know.

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What about some nice chump ends?

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You'd get plenty of those and they're not too tough.

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I'll take those. I want to feed him up. He was at Dunkirk, you know.

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-Dunkirk, was he?

-Yes.

-In that case, I'll give you a couple of sausages.

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-I

-didn't get sausages!

-You wasn't at Dunkirk!

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No, but I made tea for them, and I rolled bandages!

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You can't have sausages for THAT!

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-Take 3/7d, please, Doris!

-Thank you.

-Thank you, Mrs Fox.

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-Mr Frazer?

-I didnae get corned beef last week. I've come for it now.

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Oh, dear, that's all I've got left.

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Them's crumbs! I'm not payin' the sliced rate for crumbs!

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-You can have 'em for 6d.

-Done!

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Have you...eh...?

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-Have you heard about Sgt Wilson?

-No.

-They say he's not to be found. He hasn't been in the bank all day.

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-Now, as you very well know, I am not one for tittle-tattle.

-No.

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-I think there's a rift in the loot.

-What loot?

-Mrs Pike's loot, you old duffer!

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There's a rift in Mrs Pike's loot?!

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Poor Mr Wilson.

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-Hello, Jonesy! Not a word to a soul.

-No.

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-How's tricks?

-It's no good you coming here. You're not registered with me. Anyway, we're closing.

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-How about a nice bit of rabbit?

-Rabbit? Haven't seen one for ages.

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You have now.

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-Where did you...?

-It's Bugs Bunny.

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-He's given up the pictures for the war effort. Five bob. I want the skin back.

-Why?

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He's maybe going to have it refilled.

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A friend of mine makes mink coats.

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Well, you can't get mink!

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One rabbit is no good to me. If they hear I've got rabbit, they'll all want one.

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-Take 6d, Doris!

-Are things bad?

-They're terrible.

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I've got less than half a sausage per book, and two tins of corned beef was blown!

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And they blame ME. I can't sleep. I'm at the thin end of my wedge.

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Don't worry. It's not your fault.

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To hear them talk, you'd think it was. I need 50 rabbits.

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No way. You can't get ammunition.

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-I've got to get something off the ration, Joe.

-Something off the ration, eh?

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Difficult.

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Supply is limited. But hold on, I just might be able to help you.

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FRAZER: 'Have you heard about Sgt Wilson?

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Well, dinnae tell a soul, but there's a rumour...'

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Anyway, I was coming out of the library when I saw Sgt Wilson with this girl...

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I knew it! There's a woman behind this.

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­ He had his arm around her, but...

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There's depravity in every line of his face.

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It'll be the ruin of him. He's gone amok!

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KNOCK AT DOOR

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-Ah, Pike. Any news of Sgt Wilson?

-He's not at Mum's, Mr Mainwaring.

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If he doesn't appear by this evening, I'll contact the police.

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-I wouldn't do that if I was you.

-Why not?

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Well, I'm sure he'll turn up sooner or later.

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-Are you hiding something?

-No.

-Come along, out with it, boy.

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Well, the night before last, he and Mum had words.

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Ah, I see. What happened?

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I couldn't hear much, leaning over the banisters.

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But he shouted at Mum and she threw him out.

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Yes, go on.

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Well, after he'd thrown pebbles at her bedroom window, she shouted,

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"Clear off, you beast!"

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Then she threw something. It broke.

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Ah...now I understand.

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-She got up early and picked up the pieces.

-Yes.

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-Except the handle.

-Yes, OK. Keep this to yourself.

-OK.

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Come in!

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Sir, Sgt Wilson is still not present without leave!

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Shall I start the men up, Sir?

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Yes, please, Corporal.

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-Run along, Pike.

-Yes, Mr Mainwaring.

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Right, fall in! Look sharp about it.

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-Where's Walker? Come on, Walker, you're late.

-Jonesy, come here.

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-Your problems are over. I got 'em.

-What?

-The off-the-ration meat. Pigeons, about six dozen of 'em.

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-Pigeons? Where?

-In the boiler house next to Mainwaring's office.

-They'll go off in the heat.

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No, they won't. They're not dead yet.

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I don't want them flappin' about.

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-I've got them doped. How do you

-think I caught 'em?

-Well, where...?

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-Come along. No talking.

-Right, Sir. Squad, 'shun!

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-Platoon ready for inspection, Sir.

-Thank you, Corporal.

-Sir.

-Fall in.

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-Why aren't you in uniform?

-Vital war work, Sir.

-We're all doing that.

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I know, but there was a flap on.

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Stand at ease!

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-Ready now, Corporal?

-I'm ready for anything, Sir.

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On Sunday there will be a voluntary church parade.

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I shall expect you all to attend.

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Do you think you could have a word with the vicar? His sermons go on rather long.

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You'll have to take that up with the vicar yourself, Godfrey.

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Now, your arms drill is getting very sloppy.

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I'd rather go into battle with tidy soldiers than with shoddy soldiers.

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So we're going to brass it up.

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As Sgt Wilson isn't with us, I shall take it myself.

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Right, properly at ease, everyone.

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-Squad...!

-Ohhhhhhhh...

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No talking in the ranks.

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-Squad...!

-Ohhhh!

-I shan't tell you again at the back.

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-Squad...!

-Ohhh!

-Just a moment. What's going on here?

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Ohhhhh...ohhhh.

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-Ohhhhh.

-Wilson! Wilson!

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What? Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Sir.

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-I must've dropped off.

-Go to my office at once!

-What?

-My office!

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Ohhh, it's my head...

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-Good evening. How awfully nice to see you all...

-Never mind that!

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Hello. Lovely. Nice to see you.

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-Very nice. Yes, I'll go quickly...

-Carry on, Corporal.

-Carry on doing what, Sir?

-The arms drill.

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Oh, yes, I nearly forgot.

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I'd give a whole pound to be in there. It's not our business.

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-What's the meaning of this?

-Hmm?

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-What is the meaning of this?

-I'm sorry, but I feel a bit dizzy.

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-You look all in. Sit down.

-Thanks. You must think all this is strange.

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-Have you been drinking?

-Oh, yes. I've been drinking. Oh, my head!

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-You've had a skinful!

-I suppose I have.

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Tell me about it. The last report I had you were outside Mrs Pike's.

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Yes. It was a good thing she missed, wasn't it?

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It was a misunderstanding. She thought I'd been...

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She thought I'd been...

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She thought I'd been...

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Pull yourself together! You're getting woolly-minded.

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It all began many years ago, you see... Oh, Lord.

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-What?

-A few years after... A few years after the last...

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-You keep going off into a dream!

-I keep seeing birds.

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I advise you to sign the pledge.

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There's a war on. Those troops need to be trained.

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If you want to stay in this platoon get out there and train them!

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-Yes...

-We'll talk about this after the parade.

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Will we? Oh, Lord!

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I don't want any slovenliness...

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Thank you, Corporal Jones, I'll do my best to try and take over now.

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Ohhh! Right, properly at ease. Squad, atten-SHUN!

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Pike, pay attention. Squad, slope arms!

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One, two, three. One, two, three!

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Pike, I said, "Slope arms".

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-I'm not going to.

-Pardon?

-I'm not going to.

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You're not...? Oh, Lord!

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You've done it now, lad. That was mutiny.

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You'll be shot.

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-Yes?

-Sorry to bother you, but Pike says he won't.

-Won't what?

-Slope arms.

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What's all this about?!

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I'm sorry to bother you, but could I have a word in private? Come on.

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-Now, what have you got to say?

-I'm to ignore Sgt Wilson. Mum said so.

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Am I hearing you right?

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Yes. Mum said I was to ignore Sgt Wilson, so I did.

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-Your mum doesn't run this platoon!

-She didn't say I was to ignore YOU.

-Very generous of her(!)

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You see, she said that Uncle... Sgt Wilson was a bit of a Casa...

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-A Casanov...

-Spit it out, boy!

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Mr Mainwaring...there's a pigeon in your pigeonhole.

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-Jones! Wilson! My office is alive with pigeons!

-They've woken up!

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-Open the door, Pike. Let 'em out!

-No, don't do that.

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-Get a hold of that one.

-Come on...

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-Are these yours?

-Yes, Sir. A pigeon-fancier friend didn't fancy 'em no more.

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-They could carry messages.

-Where are they coming from?

-The boiler house.

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A sergeant incapable, troops who don't obey orders, and now my office is an aviary!

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-BANGING ON DOOR

-Come in, damn you!

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-That's the last lot, Jonesy.

-I'll keep these for Mr Mainwaring.

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-I thought he was goin' to have me shot.

-How much do I owe you?

-£5.

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-£5?

-I had to give Ted 10 bob to top them.

-OK, I'll pay you tomorrow.

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Hoi, put that ruddy light out! Them's Jerry planes.

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-They won't see that little light.

-I'm going to book you for this!

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-What about your torch?

-Have two pigeons and forget it.

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For me? Oh...

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Well, I... Well, I suppose it's not a very big light. Thanks very much.

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HE WHISPERS

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ANTI-AIRCRAFT FIRE

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-It's a fine barrage tonight.

-Yes, 3.7s mostly.

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­ Awfully noisy things.

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-Pike, it's after nine o'clock, put the wireless on.

-Yes, Mr Mainwaring.

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Sorry we're late. Those pigeons...

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-I don't want to hear.

-A little contribution for you and your wife.

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Thank you very much.

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RADIO: 'The mysterious drop in the number of pigeons in Trafalgar Square

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'continues to baffle Londoners...

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'A full investigation is promised.

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'The Home Secretary said it was doubtful if there was a connection

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'between this event and the fall in the number of apes on Gibraltar.'

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No, not the apes! I didn't touch a single ape.

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-Yours, I think, Corporal.

-Joe's.

-They're not mine. You bought 'em.

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I haven't paid for them yet.

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I've just heard the news. I've lost the taste. Oh, that's nice(!)

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Walker, Jones, I think you've got something to do.

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-I'm stayin' here. Joe, here's the keys to my shop.

-That's nice - pull up the rope, Joe(!)

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MI5 might come round.

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I can see the headlines now: "Home Guard Commander Arrested For Chasing Birds!"

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Don't hang about, Walker!

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KNOCK AT DOOR

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-Pike.

-Mum says, if you see Sgt Wilson, will you tell him she wants a word with him?

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I've given him compassionate leave to sort himself out.

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Oh... She's whitewashing a ceiling and I think she needs some help.

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I wouldn't have thought that was much in his line.

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-He holds the stepladder for her.

-Well, he'll be back for the church parade.

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It seems a pity, when rations are short. People might want them.

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I don't know what he did, but they had all gone this morning.

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I got rid of them. It wasn't easy.

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Did anyone see you?

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-No. But do you want 3 dozen...?

-No! I'm going to put Capt Mainwaring's mind at rest.

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Joe, you've never destroyed them, have you? I couldnae bear it.

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Course not. In a few days, I'll let you have a couple... if we don't have a heat wave.

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Mr Mainwaring, I thought you'd be interested to know

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that the things with feathers, which we don't want to mention,

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have been put in a place that we don't want to know about by the man who is going to remain anonymous.

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-You won't hear any more about it.

-I see.

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Do I make myself plain, Sir?

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Yes, you do, Corporal, quite plain.

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Ah, Capt Mainwaring! Here's a note of the hymns for Sunday.

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"Lead Kindly Light", "Rock of Ages", and "Onward Christian Soldiers".

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Yes, fine. Nothing very controversial there.

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We haven't got an organist, you see.

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We sing unaccompanied, so everyone must know the hymns.

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I give them the first note, though. PARP !

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I've no doubt we'll manage.

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-Permission to interject, Sir?

-What is it?

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-The vicar doesn't have to blow his pipe.

-Should I la-la it?

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We don't want that. Let him play his pipe.

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-I agree. I'd much rather blow this than go "La-a-a-a-a-a-a!"

-Yes.

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No, you misunderstand my meaning.

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For "Onward Christian Soldiers" I could play the organ.

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I didn't know you played the organ.

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-I was driven to it by passion.

-Really?

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It all happened a long time ago, in Leamington Spa.

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I fell in love with this beautiful lady... Well, she had rather an acid face actually.

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-It was her knees I liked.

-Her knees?

-Yes, Sir.

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She had very flat knees. I've never seen anyone with such flat knees.

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She was very religious and she did a lot of praying.

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Anyway, I'm sorry to say this, but she drove me mad with lust.

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And I was determined to make her look favourably on me.

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So, haunted by desire, I learned to play "Onward Christian Soldiers" on the organ.

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There I was, with her flat knees imprinted on my brain...

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Eventually, I mastered the tune.

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I rushed round to her house, filled with triumph.

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But it didn't do me any good. She'd moved. But I never lost the touch.

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-Thanks. That'll make a nice change.

-Yes, I'm sure it will(!)

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See you all on Sunday, then.

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I've been helpin' her with her blackout curtains.

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-Put that cigarette out, Walker.

-Yeah. Sorry.

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Hey!

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Oh, I'm glad you could make it(!)

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Well, it's all been rather a trial.

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-Could you spare time for a chat after the service(?)

-Yes.

-Good.

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Oh, darling, I'd forgotten about your heavy suitcases.

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-I'm sorry I can't see you off.

-It's OK. I was afraid I'd miss you.

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-I'm glad I've seen you in your uniform. It suits you.

-So does yours.

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Well, I'm glad you like it.

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Well, I must rush or I'll be late.

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-Goodbye, Daddy.

-'Bye, my darling. Thank you for coming to see me.

-I'm glad I did. Goodbye.

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Give my love to your mother.

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-A fine lassie.

-Yes.

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Her mother left me when she was very young. I haven't seen much of her over the years.

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-But...well...I got her to a good school.

-She does you credit.

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Yes, I think it was worth it.

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Still, you see, it's all in the past. I didn't want anybody to know about it, you see.

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I'm an old bletherskite, Wilson. I know that and so do you.

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But I promise ye, nobody will ever hear a word about this frae me.

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Thank you, Frazer, it's very kind of you.

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I'd better have one of these.

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Get in.

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So this makes it, does it not, even more necessary that we should look into our own hearts?

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We should gaze closely > at ourselves and ask ourselves, are we better than that poor woman?

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If she were to stand > in front of us today, would we be blameless?

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Would we be the one to cast the first stone?

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-I hope you've been listening.

-I've heard it all before.

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And now to God the Father... >

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Hoi, where's Jonesy going? He's going to play the organ.

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What's up, Joe? You've gone pale.

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He can't do that. Why not? 50 pigeons are in the pipes!

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Hymn 629. "Onward Christian Soldiers."

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-Where are you going?

-Em...to help with the collection.

-Go back in.

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Pump away. Give me some air.

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OUT-OF-TUNE PLAYING

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Come on, Mr Yeatman, pump up! Can't you pump any harder?

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I'm already straining myself.

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# ..into war, Join our happy throng... #

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