Getting the Bird Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game,

# We are the boys who will make you think again,

# 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21,

# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun,

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think old England's done? #

There we are. Take 2/3d, Doris!

-Good morning, Mr Jones.

-Morning.

-Two books?

-No, three this week. My brother's home on leave from the Army.

That's his card.

I see.

Have I got enough for a joint?

Hardly a joint, Mrs Fox, no. Here's your books, dear.

You could have brisket, but it's rather tough.

You might prefer cutlets. They're more toothsome.

-I'll take the cutlets.

-I haven't got any.

What were you bletherin' about them for?

Don't be impatient, Mr Frazer. There's a war on, you know.

What about some nice chump ends?

You'd get plenty of those and they're not too tough.

I'll take those. I want to feed him up. He was at Dunkirk, you know.

-Dunkirk, was he?

-Yes.

-In that case, I'll give you a couple of sausages.

-I

-didn't get sausages!

-You wasn't at Dunkirk!

No, but I made tea for them, and I rolled bandages!

You can't have sausages for THAT!

-Take 3/7d, please, Doris!

-Thank you.

-Thank you, Mrs Fox.

-Mr Frazer?

-I didnae get corned beef last week. I've come for it now.

Oh, dear, that's all I've got left.

Them's crumbs! I'm not payin' the sliced rate for crumbs!

-You can have 'em for 6d.

-Done!

Have you...eh...?

-Have you heard about Sgt Wilson?

-No.

-They say he's not to be found. He hasn't been in the bank all day.

-Now, as you very well know, I am not one for tittle-tattle.

-No.

-I think there's a rift in the loot.

-What loot?

-Mrs Pike's loot, you old duffer!

There's a rift in Mrs Pike's loot?!

Poor Mr Wilson.

-Hello, Jonesy! Not a word to a soul.

-No.

-How's tricks?

-It's no good you coming here. You're not registered with me. Anyway, we're closing.

-How about a nice bit of rabbit?

-Rabbit? Haven't seen one for ages.

You have now.

-Where did you...?

-It's Bugs Bunny.

-He's given up the pictures for the war effort. Five bob. I want the skin back.

-Why?

He's maybe going to have it refilled.

A friend of mine makes mink coats.

Well, you can't get mink!

One rabbit is no good to me. If they hear I've got rabbit, they'll all want one.

-Take 6d, Doris!

-Are things bad?

-They're terrible.

I've got less than half a sausage per book, and two tins of corned beef was blown!

And they blame ME. I can't sleep. I'm at the thin end of my wedge.

Don't worry. It's not your fault.

To hear them talk, you'd think it was. I need 50 rabbits.

No way. You can't get ammunition.

-I've got to get something off the ration, Joe.

-Something off the ration, eh?

Difficult.

Supply is limited. But hold on, I just might be able to help you.

FRAZER: 'Have you heard about Sgt Wilson?

Well, dinnae tell a soul, but there's a rumour...'

Anyway, I was coming out of the library when I saw Sgt Wilson with this girl...

I knew it! There's a woman behind this.

­ He had his arm around her, but...

There's depravity in every line of his face.

It'll be the ruin of him. He's gone amok!

KNOCK AT DOOR

-Ah, Pike. Any news of Sgt Wilson?

-He's not at Mum's, Mr Mainwaring.

If he doesn't appear by this evening, I'll contact the police.

-I wouldn't do that if I was you.

-Why not?

Well, I'm sure he'll turn up sooner or later.

-Are you hiding something?

-No.

-Come along, out with it, boy.

Well, the night before last, he and Mum had words.

Ah, I see. What happened?

I couldn't hear much, leaning over the banisters.

But he shouted at Mum and she threw him out.

Yes, go on.

Well, after he'd thrown pebbles at her bedroom window, she shouted,

"Clear off, you beast!"

Then she threw something. It broke.

Ah...now I understand.

-She got up early and picked up the pieces.

-Yes.

-Except the handle.

-Yes, OK. Keep this to yourself.

-OK.

Come in!

Sir, Sgt Wilson is still not present without leave!

Shall I start the men up, Sir?

Yes, please, Corporal.

-Run along, Pike.

-Yes, Mr Mainwaring.

Right, fall in! Look sharp about it.

-Where's Walker? Come on, Walker, you're late.

-Jonesy, come here.

-Your problems are over. I got 'em.

-What?

-The off-the-ration meat. Pigeons, about six dozen of 'em.

-Pigeons? Where?

-In the boiler house next to Mainwaring's office.

-They'll go off in the heat.

No, they won't. They're not dead yet.

I don't want them flappin' about.

-I've got them doped. How do you

-think I caught 'em?

-Well, where...?

-Come along. No talking.

-Right, Sir. Squad, 'shun!

-Platoon ready for inspection, Sir.

-Thank you, Corporal.

-Sir.

-Fall in.

-Why aren't you in uniform?

-Vital war work, Sir.

-We're all doing that.

I know, but there was a flap on.

Stand at ease!

-Ready now, Corporal?

-I'm ready for anything, Sir.

On Sunday there will be a voluntary church parade.

I shall expect you all to attend.

Do you think you could have a word with the vicar? His sermons go on rather long.

You'll have to take that up with the vicar yourself, Godfrey.

Now, your arms drill is getting very sloppy.

I'd rather go into battle with tidy soldiers than with shoddy soldiers.

So we're going to brass it up.

As Sgt Wilson isn't with us, I shall take it myself.

Right, properly at ease, everyone.

-Squad...!

-Ohhhhhhhh...

No talking in the ranks.

-Squad...!

-Ohhhh!

-I shan't tell you again at the back.

-Squad...!

-Ohhh!

-Just a moment. What's going on here?

Ohhhhh...ohhhh.

-Ohhhhh.

-Wilson! Wilson!

What? Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Sir.

-I must've dropped off.

-Go to my office at once!

-What?

-My office!

Ohhh, it's my head...

-Good evening. How awfully nice to see you all...

-Never mind that!

Hello. Lovely. Nice to see you.

-Very nice. Yes, I'll go quickly...

-Carry on, Corporal.

-Carry on doing what, Sir?

-The arms drill.

Oh, yes, I nearly forgot.

I'd give a whole pound to be in there. It's not our business.

-What's the meaning of this?

-Hmm?

-What is the meaning of this?

-I'm sorry, but I feel a bit dizzy.

-You look all in. Sit down.

-Thanks. You must think all this is strange.

-Have you been drinking?

-Oh, yes. I've been drinking. Oh, my head!

-You've had a skinful!

-I suppose I have.

Tell me about it. The last report I had you were outside Mrs Pike's.

Yes. It was a good thing she missed, wasn't it?

It was a misunderstanding. She thought I'd been...

She thought I'd been...

She thought I'd been...

Pull yourself together! You're getting woolly-minded.

It all began many years ago, you see... Oh, Lord.

-What?

-A few years after... A few years after the last...

-You keep going off into a dream!

-I keep seeing birds.

I advise you to sign the pledge.

There's a war on. Those troops need to be trained.

If you want to stay in this platoon get out there and train them!

-Yes...

-We'll talk about this after the parade.

Will we? Oh, Lord!

I don't want any slovenliness...

Thank you, Corporal Jones, I'll do my best to try and take over now.

Ohhh! Right, properly at ease. Squad, atten-SHUN!

Pike, pay attention. Squad, slope arms!

One, two, three. One, two, three!

Pike, I said, "Slope arms".

-I'm not going to.

-Pardon?

-I'm not going to.

You're not...? Oh, Lord!

You've done it now, lad. That was mutiny.

You'll be shot.

-Yes?

-Sorry to bother you, but Pike says he won't.

-Won't what?

-Slope arms.

What's all this about?!

I'm sorry to bother you, but could I have a word in private? Come on.

-Now, what have you got to say?

-I'm to ignore Sgt Wilson. Mum said so.

Am I hearing you right?

Yes. Mum said I was to ignore Sgt Wilson, so I did.

-Your mum doesn't run this platoon!

-She didn't say I was to ignore YOU.

-Very generous of her(!)

You see, she said that Uncle... Sgt Wilson was a bit of a Casa...

-A Casanov...

-Spit it out, boy!

Mr Mainwaring...there's a pigeon in your pigeonhole.

-Jones! Wilson! My office is alive with pigeons!

-They've woken up!

-Open the door, Pike. Let 'em out!

-No, don't do that.

-Get a hold of that one.

-Come on...

-Are these yours?

-Yes, Sir. A pigeon-fancier friend didn't fancy 'em no more.

-They could carry messages.

-Where are they coming from?

-The boiler house.

A sergeant incapable, troops who don't obey orders, and now my office is an aviary!

-BANGING ON DOOR

-Come in, damn you!

-That's the last lot, Jonesy.

-I'll keep these for Mr Mainwaring.

-I thought he was goin' to have me shot.

-How much do I owe you?

-£5.

-£5?

-I had to give Ted 10 bob to top them.

-OK, I'll pay you tomorrow.

Hoi, put that ruddy light out! Them's Jerry planes.

-They won't see that little light.

-I'm going to book you for this!

-What about your torch?

-Have two pigeons and forget it.

For me? Oh...

Well, I... Well, I suppose it's not a very big light. Thanks very much.

HE WHISPERS

ANTI-AIRCRAFT FIRE

-It's a fine barrage tonight.

-Yes, 3.7s mostly.

­ Awfully noisy things.

-Pike, it's after nine o'clock, put the wireless on.

-Yes, Mr Mainwaring.

Sorry we're late. Those pigeons...

-I don't want to hear.

-A little contribution for you and your wife.

Thank you very much.

RADIO: 'The mysterious drop in the number of pigeons in Trafalgar Square

'continues to baffle Londoners...

'A full investigation is promised.

'The Home Secretary said it was doubtful if there was a connection

'between this event and the fall in the number of apes on Gibraltar.'

No, not the apes! I didn't touch a single ape.

-Yours, I think, Corporal.

-Joe's.

-They're not mine. You bought 'em.

I haven't paid for them yet.

I've just heard the news. I've lost the taste. Oh, that's nice(!)

Walker, Jones, I think you've got something to do.

-I'm stayin' here. Joe, here's the keys to my shop.

-That's nice - pull up the rope, Joe(!)

MI5 might come round.

I can see the headlines now: "Home Guard Commander Arrested For Chasing Birds!"

Don't hang about, Walker!

KNOCK AT DOOR

-Pike.

-Mum says, if you see Sgt Wilson, will you tell him she wants a word with him?

I've given him compassionate leave to sort himself out.

Oh... She's whitewashing a ceiling and I think she needs some help.

I wouldn't have thought that was much in his line.

-He holds the stepladder for her.

-Well, he'll be back for the church parade.

It seems a pity, when rations are short. People might want them.

I don't know what he did, but they had all gone this morning.

I got rid of them. It wasn't easy.

Did anyone see you?

-No. But do you want 3 dozen...?

-No! I'm going to put Capt Mainwaring's mind at rest.

Joe, you've never destroyed them, have you? I couldnae bear it.

Course not. In a few days, I'll let you have a couple... if we don't have a heat wave.

Mr Mainwaring, I thought you'd be interested to know

that the things with feathers, which we don't want to mention,

have been put in a place that we don't want to know about by the man who is going to remain anonymous.

-You won't hear any more about it.

-I see.

Do I make myself plain, Sir?

Yes, you do, Corporal, quite plain.

Ah, Capt Mainwaring! Here's a note of the hymns for Sunday.

"Lead Kindly Light", "Rock of Ages", and "Onward Christian Soldiers".

Yes, fine. Nothing very controversial there.

We haven't got an organist, you see.

We sing unaccompanied, so everyone must know the hymns.

I give them the first note, though. PARP !

I've no doubt we'll manage.

-Permission to interject, Sir?

-What is it?

-The vicar doesn't have to blow his pipe.

-Should I la-la it?

We don't want that. Let him play his pipe.

-I agree. I'd much rather blow this than go "La-a-a-a-a-a-a!"

-Yes.

No, you misunderstand my meaning.

For "Onward Christian Soldiers" I could play the organ.

I didn't know you played the organ.

-I was driven to it by passion.

-Really?

It all happened a long time ago, in Leamington Spa.

I fell in love with this beautiful lady... Well, she had rather an acid face actually.

-It was her knees I liked.

-Her knees?

-Yes, Sir.

She had very flat knees. I've never seen anyone with such flat knees.

She was very religious and she did a lot of praying.

Anyway, I'm sorry to say this, but she drove me mad with lust.

And I was determined to make her look favourably on me.

So, haunted by desire, I learned to play "Onward Christian Soldiers" on the organ.

There I was, with her flat knees imprinted on my brain...

Eventually, I mastered the tune.

I rushed round to her house, filled with triumph.

But it didn't do me any good. She'd moved. But I never lost the touch.

-Thanks. That'll make a nice change.

-Yes, I'm sure it will(!)

See you all on Sunday, then.

I've been helpin' her with her blackout curtains.

-Put that cigarette out, Walker.

-Yeah. Sorry.

Hey!

Oh, I'm glad you could make it(!)

Well, it's all been rather a trial.

-Could you spare time for a chat after the service(?)

-Yes.

-Good.

Oh, darling, I'd forgotten about your heavy suitcases.

-I'm sorry I can't see you off.

-It's OK. I was afraid I'd miss you.

-I'm glad I've seen you in your uniform. It suits you.

-So does yours.

Well, I'm glad you like it.

Well, I must rush or I'll be late.

-Goodbye, Daddy.

-'Bye, my darling. Thank you for coming to see me.

-I'm glad I did. Goodbye.

Give my love to your mother.

-A fine lassie.

-Yes.

Her mother left me when she was very young. I haven't seen much of her over the years.

-But...well...I got her to a good school.

-She does you credit.

Yes, I think it was worth it.

Still, you see, it's all in the past. I didn't want anybody to know about it, you see.

I'm an old bletherskite, Wilson. I know that and so do you.

But I promise ye, nobody will ever hear a word about this frae me.

Thank you, Frazer, it's very kind of you.

I'd better have one of these.

Get in.

So this makes it, does it not, even more necessary that we should look into our own hearts?

We should gaze closely > at ourselves and ask ourselves, are we better than that poor woman?

If she were to stand > in front of us today, would we be blameless?

Would we be the one to cast the first stone?

-I hope you've been listening.

-I've heard it all before.

And now to God the Father... >

Hoi, where's Jonesy going? He's going to play the organ.

What's up, Joe? You've gone pale.

He can't do that. Why not? 50 pigeons are in the pipes!

Hymn 629. "Onward Christian Soldiers."

-Where are you going?

-Em...to help with the collection.

-Go back in.

Pump away. Give me some air.

OUT-OF-TUNE PLAYING

Come on, Mr Yeatman, pump up! Can't you pump any harder?

I'm already straining myself.

# ..into war, Join our happy throng... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd