The Desperate Drive of Corporal Jones Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game

# We are the boys who will make you think again

# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done? #

Pay attention! Some of you will know that we are taking part in a Divisional scheme on Saturday.

-We shall be using live ammunition.

-That is good news, sir.

-A battery of 25-pounders will also be firing over our heads.

-How far over?

We shall also do some house-clearing.

I shall devote this parade to revising the drill for that.

-Walker and Frazer will be the shooters. Into your places at the double!

-Come along now!

-You heard what the officer said. At the double! Come on now!

-Corporal.

We're going to do this by numbers. Walker.

At the door - bang! bang! bang!

-Frazer.

-At the lock - shoot! shoot! shoot!

-Right, corporal.

-Ready when you are, sir.

-Kick the door in.

-Right.

Right, sir. At the door - kick, kick, kick.

-Kick the door in!

-Right, sir.

Door... Door kicked in, sir.

-Wilson, chuck your grenade.

-Jones is in the way.

-Stand aside, corporal.

-I'm sorry, sir. I haven't been myself today.

-I had trouble at the shop.

-Keep alert.

-The brawn wouldn't set.

You can't serve runny brawn, sir. It makes the customers sneer.

-Tell them it's cold soup.

-Wilson!

-Pike.

-Yes?

-Well, get on with it!

-I'm waiting for the bomb to explode.

Don't be impertinent, boy. Just do as you're told.

Aaaa-aaaa-ggggh!

Aaaa-aaaa-gggh! BANG! BANG! BANG! Aaaa-aaaa-gggh!

-Was that all right, Mr Mainwaring?

-You don't say that.

-Reporting house cleared, sir.

-Reporting house cleared, sir.

Now we'll... Wilson! Wilson, there's no explosion.

No, I just can't stand that boy shouting.

Now we'll do it using blank ammunition.

I want you to tell Mainwaring this is my hall as much as his. It's MY hall.

Mainwaring's too big for his trousers. GUNFIRE >

Aaaa-aaaa-aaaa-aaaa-gggh!

Aaaa-aaaa-gggh!

Reporting house cleared, sir.

-Except for the vicar, the verger and Mr Hodges.

-What?!

# ..Come on, hold your hand out

# We're all fed up with you

# Cor blimey! #

-KNOCKING AT THE DOOR

-Come in!

The men are ready, sir.

-Thank you, sergeant.

-Oh, that is awfully smart, sir.

-Thank you.

I thought it advisable to get something warm before the chilly weather sets in.

-Quite, sir.

-It's tailored specially. It cost 18 guineas.

-I ought to try and get something like that myself.

They're for officers only.

Patrol, ATTENTION!

The chocolate soldier himself(!) It's Nelson Eddy.

I heard that, Walker. See me later.

Stand at ease!

Our task on this scheme is to occupy a deserted barn and deny it to the enemy.

-PHONE

-Answer that, corporal. It will be HQ.

-Permission to speak, sir.

-Yes?

General Lord Kitchener had a coat similarly identical to yours, sir.

-Oh?

-Except his was blue and it didn't have brass buttons, and it was much longer.

Go and answer the phone, ye auld crawler.

-Don't speak to me like that, private!

-Jones, the telephone.

Yes, sir. Very good, sir.

-As we're using live ammunition, I'm taking no chances.

-Quite, sir.

-I'm putting Jones in charge of the vehicle park.

-That's a relief.

-Jack Jones the butcher.

-Jones, I've got the map reference for Captain Mainwaring. Take it down.

I'll take your order straightaway.

It's 9-3-7-6-4-1.

9-3-7... Blast!

Sorry, sir. Could you hold on a minute, sir? Only the lead's gone.

I've got 9-3-7 up to now, sir.

On the command "fall out" you will put your kit into Jones's van.

Right? Platoon...

I don't think we need quite as much first-aid kit as that, Godfrey.

That's my picnic, sir.

Picnic?

-You told us to bring food.

-I meant sandwiches.

-They're indigestible to me, sir.

-My sister has made me a vegetable flan and rice pudding.

-Rice pudding?

This is no place for rice pudding! Leave it in my office.

-And leave the spoon.

-Walker!

The rest of you fall out.

-Have you got a pencil?

-Yeah, here you are.

- Hello? - Can I help, sir?

Whoever you are, take down these numbers.

Certainly, sir. Just a moment, sir.

- Numbers, sir. - 6-4-1.

6-4-1.

- He's got the other numbers. - Yes. 9-3-7.

See Captain Mainwaring gets them.

Yes. Is there anything else, sir?

-What are you playing at?

-Taking a message from the colonel.

-Are you after my job?

-Mr Mainwaring, I have essential supplies to collect, so I'll see you later, if that's all right.

-Yes.

No, it isn't all right. I'm fed up with your black-market activities.

Black-market?!

That's LIABLE! If you must know - and you're not entitled to -

I'm going to collect three scooters I've had made up for the kids in Eastgate Hospital.

-I see.

-So, I'll see you later.

-Yes.

# I'm only a chocolate soldier... #

# Adolf, you toddle off And all your Nazis, too

# For you may get something to remind you

# Of the old Red, White and Blue. #

ENGINE LABOURS

ENGINE EXPIRES

-What's wrong?

-It won't go.

-The big end's gone.

-Just my luck! The guarantee's run out.

-The farm's miles away.

-We shall march. Get the men out, sergeant.

-Chaps, we're going for a stroll.

-All right, Mr Mainwaring?

-Of course.

-Stay here and guard the vehicles. When we get in position, contact HQ.

-Yes, sir.

-How will I know you're in position?

-You'll need a signal of some kind.

-Smoke signals, sir.

-Stupid boy!

-No, it's a good idea. We'll make a smoke signal.

How will I know you're not a bonfire?

We could send three little puffs and one big puff.

When we're in position, we'll send you three victory puffs, corporal.

Very good, sir.

Fall in as quickly as you can. Carry your greatcoats and equipment.

He can't carry himself! I'm afraid my gout is playing up, sir.

Stay and guard the vehicles with Jones.

-Hello, sir.

-What on earth have you got there?

-You can have it. Ten quid.

-Fall in!

It's got its own cold-weather starter.

Sir, won't you be rather hot marching in that overcoat?

-Certainly not. Very good cloth. Cool in summer, warm in winter.

-Oh, I see.

I'm on my way to battalion HQ.

I beg your pardon, sir. I thought this was my HQ. Now I find it's yours.

-No, it's yours. My car's outside. Guard it, will you?

-Yes, sir.

-Excuse me, sir. Who am I guarding it from?

-From the Germans, actually.

-I haven't immobilised it.

-I'll see those Germans don't mobilise it, sir.

Left, right. Left, right. Left right. HALT! Fall out!

Now, you sit down there, Mr Godfrey.

I'll get on to H...headquarters Q. Right?

Now, just a minute. Now, let's see... The time. Yes, the time.

That has twenty-three minutes past.

Mr Mainwaring has got to march two miles to the barn.

If they march at three and a half miles an hour, when will they arrive?

-I couldn't march that fast.

-No, well, we'll call it three miles an hour.

Three miles an hour...two miles...

That's three twoths of an hour.

No, two thirds. Forty minutes. They'll arrive at three minutes past the hour.

Yeah, that's what we'll call it.

Right, I'll get on to HQ. That was quick, wasn't it, Mr Godfrey?

I pretend I'm measuring cloth.

I must try that. I'll work it out in chops.

Hello? Hello, HQ quarters?

They will arrive at three minutes past.

-Who'll arrive where at three minutes past what?

-Captain Mainwaring. Three minutes past two.

-Why didn't you say that?

-Sorry. Could you tell me your rank, please?

-Signalman.

-I'm a lance corporal, so you just watch it and be a bit more polite!

Platoon, halt!

Fall out. Pike, light the fire.

Yes, Mr Mainwaring.

Pile your overcoats in that corner.

-Very muggy for the time of year, sir.

-Yes.

-Put my coat on the top of the pile, Wilson. I don't want it spoiled.

-All right.

-I can't see any smoke signals.

-I doubt if I'd see them even if they were there.

-You ought to get glasses.

-I had a pair once, but they made me look old.

That don't worry me. I AM old.

-It's not going awfully well, sir.

-Get on with it!

-Centre it, please.

Right. Now, away!

Over! Away!

-Over! Away!

-MEN SPLUTTER

Over! Away!

Over! How long should the break in the letters be, sir?

-About ten seconds.

-Ah. Right.

Now, then... One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...

-It's on fire!

-What are you doing?

-You insisted on a ten-second pause.

-You've ruined that blanket.

-It's an overcoat, sir.

-Whose is it?

I definitely do NOT know, sir.

Whoever's it is will have to pay for it. Pick up your greatcoats. I'm going to get to the bottom of this.

That's it! Three little puffs and a big puff. Right.

I'll get on to HQ quarters head, and you chop some wood up and we'll have a nice brew-up, shall we?

I'm fed up with this carelessness!

Whoever did it ought to be on a charge. Who hasn't got a greatcoat?

Rear rank.

Centre rank.

Front rank.

-It wouldn't be you, Wilson?

-No, sir.

-What did you do with mine?

-I put it on top of the pile, like you said.

It wasnae deliberate, sir. It definitely was NOT deliberate.

Hello, HQ headquarters Q ?

Captain Mainwaring and number 1 platoon are in their positions.

-Oh, yeah? Where?

-Where?

Oh, wait... Wait a minute. Here you are. Reference 6-4-1-9-3-7.

You mean 9-3-7-6-4-1, don't you?

6-4-1-9-3-7 is the target for the 25-pounders.

That'll be it, then. Captain Mainwaring and the platoon are in their positions.

Right. TTFN.

My word, that's a bit of a laugh!

-Psst!

-Yes?

I've just been on the phone to HQ quarters. "Captain Mainwaring is in position 6-4-1-9-3-7," I said.

"That's the target," he said. I'd given him the wrong number.

6-4-1-9-3-7 IS where Captain Mainwaring went.

-Are you sure?

-Absolutely.

I never forget a number. I nearly went into the accounts department.

But if it is, they'll all get blown up.

-Oh, dear.

-Don't panic. I'll tell them to stop the firing. Don't panic!

Don't panic! Stop the firing! Stop the firing! Stop the firing!

Hello? Hello, hello? HELLO?!

Hello! Hello! It's dead.

-Oh, I'd better run to headquarters.

-I don't think we have time for that.

-I can go very swiftly, if I have to.

-I don't even know where it is.

-But we must warn Captain Mainwaring.

That's one thing we must do. We'll warn Captain Mainwaring. And... We mustn't waste a minute. And we...

-They take forty minutes to march. How long will we take to run?

-About an hour.

But the firing starts in half an hour.

THE FIRING STARTS IN HALF AN HOUR! Don't panic!

-I know! We'll drive.

-But your van's broken.

-Never mind. There's two cars outside.

We'll go there in the two cars and drive the platoon away in those.

-We'll both drive.

-But I can't drive.

There's nothing to it, Mr Godfrey. I'll show you.

Look, now. You switch on.

Then you pull the self-starter.

And then you tiddle...you tiddle...

You tiddle your foot on the accelerator.

Here's the gears. First gear up there, second gear down there, third gear there, top up there.

Now the other foot comes into play. Depress the clutch.

Put it in number one and slowly draw your foot off the clutch.

Not as slow as that!

It'll be fine. You'll be sitting.

-Don't sit down now, though!

-Could we go through it again?

-I'll show you.

-Mr Mainwaring.

-Yes?

-What are we doing here?

-We're denying this barn to the enemy.

-I wouldn't give a fiver for it.

You must admit it is rather a lovely view.

-It's the strategic importance that concerns us. Keep watch, Frazer.

-Oh, aye, sir.

It's no good. I'll tow you.

Mr Jones, you didn't explain about the steering.

Battery target, farm buildings...

Load!

-Nothing will happen yet, so the men should consume their rations.

-All right, sir.

-Fellas, you can eat your rations.

-Come on, lads!

Hang on, Mr Godfrey!

Mr Jones, which way do I turn the wheel?

Don't worry, Mr Mainwaring. I'm coming!

Are you all right, Mr Godfrey?

Yes. I think I'm beginning to get the hang of it.

-I have an idea.

-We only have seven minutes.

We'd better hurry, or Mr Mainwaring will be blown to kingdom come.

-You'd hardly think there was a war on, would you?

-No, it's beautiful. Absolutely beautiful, isn't it?

-Listen. Isn't that a skylark?

-CHIRRUPING

-Yes, I believe it is.

Hadn't better fly too high. Get its feathers shot off.

Listen, you chaps, the 25-pounders will open up in a few minutes.

Their shells will whistle over us.

It's a terrifying noise but there's no need to be scared. The artillery chaps know what they're doing.

Three five zero degrees angle of sight.

Two degrees three minutes depression.

Look after the car, Mr Godfrey.

I do wish I could hasten things.

B troop ready to fire, sir.

-My, my, it's warm, isn't it?

-Yes. No need for you to wear your overcoat after all, sir.

-Two minutes to go. I wonder how our chaps will react under fire.

-What are they firing at?

-They're firing at a disused barn.

-What happens after the shooting?

That'll be the end of the exercise. We shan't be here to find out.

It all seems rather pointless.

-Yes. I suppose the brass hats will learn something. But WE'LL never know.

-No.

Who said Jonesy could drive my car?

Mr Mainwaring!

-Don't panic! Don't panic!

-Mr Jones...

-Mr Mainwaring, don't panic!

-I'm NOT panicking!

-What is it?

-Mistake...map...

Farm barn proper target for 25-pounders... You, here!

You have 45 seconds to clear off, starting NOW!

Stand by. One minute to go.

Thirty seconds to go.

Stop the car. Everybody out!

Fire!

Stop!

It seems to be all over.

I'll have somebody's blood for this. My battledress is ruined.

Yes. Good job you weren't wearing your overcoat, isn't it?

Subtitles by Audrey Flynn BBC Scotland 1991