Ring Dem Bells Dad's Army


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Ring Dem Bells

Classic wartime sitcom. When the platoon members are ordered to play Nazi soldiers in a training film, Captain Mainwaring is far from happy.


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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game,

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# We are the boys who will make you think again,

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# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21,

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# But he comes home each evening,

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# And he's ready with his gun.

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# So who do you think

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# You are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think old England's done?

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I ain't half excited!

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I was so excited at tea I could hardly eat.

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Mum's surprised I'm going to be a film star.

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Rubbish! Rubbish!

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I think I'll play my part like Ronald Colman, in that film Under Two Flags.

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I might even grow a moustache!

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For goodness' sake, son, hald your whisht!

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This film is never going to be shown in any cinema.

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It's just a cheap training film made for the Home Guard.

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In the Sudan, fighting the fuzzy-wuzzy, we had no film.

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They weren't invented.

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That's why we never had no film.

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Men of the Home Guard,

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we are facing a cunning and ruthless enemy.

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-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-Men of the Home Guard...

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I wonder which is my best side.

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Perhaps it's better with the hat off.

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Perhaps not!

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Good evening, sir.

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-Which would YOU say was my best side?

-Perhaps you haven't got one.

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-Really?

-One side is no better than the other.

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Sorry...no WORSE... They're both just the same.

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All right!

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I wouldn't worry. They can do wonders with make-up.

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-Lipstick? Powder?

-Yes!

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I'm not having any of that muck on my face!

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It does accentuate one's good points.

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In your case, it might help to bring out the firm, craggy line of your jaw.

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-Do you really think so?

-Yes.

-Craggy, eh?

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It might also get rid of your double chin.

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Now look here, Wilson, they want men on this film, not a lot of painted nancy-boys.

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I can't understand why they're not using proper actors.

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Jack Buchanan would take my part awfully well.

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-You rather fancy you look like Jack Buchanan, don't you?

-Somebody once said, years ago...

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There is no resemblance, believe me, in either speech or appearance.

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-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Come in.

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-Mr Mainwaring?

-Yes, Pike?

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The colonel's here, with the film people.

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Ah, good.

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You know, he doesn't look like a film producer at all.

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I thought he'd be in breeches, like Erich von Stroheim.

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Stupid...

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-What's the matter with your eyes?

-Nothing.

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You've got dirt on your lip. Wipe it off!

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Good evening, sir.

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Evening.

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-Permission to speak, sir?

-Yes?

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I fell in the men for inspection by the colonel and the film people.

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Thank you.

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-You did want them to be looked at by the film people?

-Yes.

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The platoon do look all right to be looked at?

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Yes! They must get an all-round picture of the platoon.

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Very good, sir. Platoon, about turn!

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About turn!

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About turn!

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What...? What are you doing?

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-You said you wanted an all-round picture, sir.

-Oh, really! Platoon, about turn!

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Very keen, sir!

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-Fall in, Pike!

-Sorry!

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This is the production assistant from the Crown Film Unit, Mr Forster.

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Hello, squire!

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This is our costume lady, Mrs Beal. Just call me Queenie.

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-How d'you do? This is Sergeant Wilson.

-Awfully nice to meet you.

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-Oooh, hello!

-Hello.

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I don't understand. Why costumes? We've got our uniforms.

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You won't be Home Guard. You're playing Nazis.

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Nazis?! I'm not having my men blazoned across the screen in German uniform!

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Don't worry, squire. All your stuff is in long shot in the distance.

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-In the distance?

-On screen you won't be bigger than that.

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So you needn't worry about make-up!

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-Is that it?

-Yes.

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The rest of the film is being made at the Gaumont British Studios.

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The parts are being played by actors. Jack Hulbert's playing the captain, and Jack Buchanan the sergeant.

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Oh! Fancy that!

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Jack Buchanan playing the sergeant. Goodness me!

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Ooh, yes, I measured him for his uniform. Lovely bloke!

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-You're a dead ringer for him!

-Yes?

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-Who we going to have for the officer?

-Me, of course.

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I'm sure you'll be an excellent German officer.

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Couldn't make a worse mess than he does as a British one.

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Measure him, Queenie.

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All right. Get your arms up, dear.

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Oooh, dear!

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Oooh, I say! Ridiculous!

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Oooh, I couldn't do him! Out of the question.

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I just couldn't do him, dear. And look at those feet. I've never seen such tiny feet.

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I ain't got no jackboots that size.

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Tiny! He's got girl's feet.

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Couldn't you have a uniform made for me?

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We couldn't get one made for Conrad Veidt! There's a war on, you know.

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It's like this, you see. We've got two officers' uniforms.

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We've got to get the men to fit the uniforms.

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Look around, Queenie. < All right.

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-Can I have a word, sir?

-Certainly.

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I refuse to have anything further to do with this film.

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Your men are playing the Nazis, and that's an order.

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However, you needn't take any part in it.

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-Just look after your men.

-Thank you, sir.

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I got your two officers, dear. This one and this one.

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He's just like Jack Buchanan!

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He'll make a lovely officer! >

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Who'll be the sergeant?

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Come on, funny-boy! Get your arms up!

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SONG: # You oughta be in pictures You're wonderful to see... #

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You know... I feel a right soppy twirrup

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wearing this ridiculous get-up.

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And Mainwaring got out of it because he couldnae be an officer.

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The big jessie!

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Why shouldn't he look a fool like all the rest of us?

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You don't! In that helmet you look like an eagle.

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Rubbish! Rubbish!

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General Kitchener would turn in his grave if he saw me!

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He couldn't abide German uniforms.

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"Hun helmets look like saucepans," he'd say.

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They brought a German prisoner to him,

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and he was grovelling before him.

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He said, "How dare you grovel before me with that saucepan on your head?

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"Take it off, man!" he ejaculated.

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And the German, he said, "Nein, nein, mein general. I cannot, I cannot!

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"It is stuck!"

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"Well," said the general, in a jocular frame of mind,

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"if a saucepan is on your head, you'd better go and boil your head."

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He was very witty sometimes.

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Schweinhund!

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Zo...

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..we are the masters now, eh?

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You have just five seconds to tell us your plans, or else it is...kaput!

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I like being an officer, don't you?

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These uniforms are awfully smart, aren't they? They do something for one.

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I think we ought to strut and swagger.

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-Let's practise strutting and swaggering.

-That's awfully good.

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-Very good.

-You do it. Come on!

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I don't think so. I'm not awfully good at it.

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You could do a goose-step. Go on!

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Do a goose-step.

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He's very good, no, Mainwaring?

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Get up!

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I sometimes wonder where your loyalties lie, Wilson.

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Really, these uniforms are so smart, don't you think? They suit any figure.

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The sooner this film nonsense is over, the better.

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-Fall the men in.

-Sir. Fall in, will you?

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Fall in. Three ranks. Quick as you can.

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Now...

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Fall in, Pike.

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D'you hear what I said? Fall in!

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I'm an officer!

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I'm not going to fall in with the privates.

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All officers should be treated well. It's in the Geneva Convention.

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If you don't stop fooling about I shall send you home. Fall in.

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-Now, pay attention!

-Permission to speak, sir? I want to unvolunteer to be a German sergeant.

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I've always wanted these stripes, but this is too high a price to pay.

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It's wrong I should have to wear this ridiculous helmet.

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I appreciate your feelings, but we're under orders so we must get on with it.

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Sir, my uniform has got "Burman" written on it.

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I hope it's clean. You never know where these Germans have been.

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I shouldn't worry too much, Godfrey.

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They're not real uniforms they're theatrical costumes.

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Mr Mainwaring, how will people know that we're not real Nazis?

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That's a good point.

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The colonel has given instructions for security.

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No-one must see you, so stay inside the van and I will drive.

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You can come out now. All clear.

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-GERMAN ACCENT: On the double! Move!

-Stop playing the fool!

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And take that stupid thing out!

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Excuse me, sir, are you sure we're in the right place?

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-Of course I'm sure.

-Shouldn't there be lights and cameras?

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These people are always late. They spend their time drinking cocktails.

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-Jones!

-Sir?

-The men can eat their sandwiches.

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Do as you're told. Eat your sandwiches!

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-Uncle Arthur, we shouldn't eat our sandwiches with them.

-Why not?

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We're officers! Let's eat them on our own.

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-Don't be absurd!

-< Hello, squire.

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-The film has been postponed till next week.

-Postponed?

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-Some bother with Jack and Cis.

-Who?

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-Jack Hulbert and Cicely Courtneidge.

-We're filming Jack now.

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Do you mean to say we've been shut in that van on a hot day,

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wearing these stupid clothes, and a couple of actors decide they're no' coming?

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All right!

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Jack insists on being with Cis, and Cis insists on being with Jack.

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I was reading only last week that they're the happiest couple in show business.

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I read that too. Jack's the boy, eh?

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-#

-The flies crawl up the window They've nothing else to do...

-#

-Be quiet, Jones!

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We are fighting a war upon which the whole of civilisation depends!

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The might of the German army is poised, ready to strike!

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And you drag troops on this fools' errand, because Cis insists!

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Must keep the stars happy! See you next week.

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This is outrageous!

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-I'll phone GHQ!

-What a pity we can't do any shooting.

-Shooting?

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Shooting. It's a sort of technical term for filming.

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Get back on the van!

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SONG: # You oughta be in pictures

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# You're wonderful to see You oughta be in pictures How beautiful you would be... #

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This isn't a game, boy! Get inside!

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# You ought to shine as brightly As Jupiter and Mars

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# You oughta be in pictures My star of stars. #

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Wilson, I'm going across to that phone box to ring GHQ.

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-Don't get out! I don't want you to be seen!

-It's like an oven in here.

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Mr Godfrey's looking a bit pale. He needs fresh air.

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Open the door and push his face against the crack.

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-How's that?

-A little better, thank you.

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What about me? I want some fresh air as well!

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You can't have any! Didn't you hear?

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-No-one's got to see us.

-Rubbish!

0:17:190:17:22

How dare you disobey orders? You've exposed us to the whole world!

0:17:220:17:28

-Uncle Arthur?

-Yes?

-That pub looks nice!

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I could do with a drink!

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So could I! But Captain Mainwaring told us to stay here.

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He's only a Home Guard officer.

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-We're German officers.

-Yes!

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-I suppose we are!

-Come on, then!

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Let's go. No-one will see us.

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It's all right.

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-There's nobody here.

-Good.

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-We shouldn't do this!

-What'll you have?

-A pint!

-Right.

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-We'll be quick Mainwaring will be ages.

-I'll order the drinks. Shop!

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-Morning, gentlemen.

-Morning.

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Now, what can I get...?

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Good afternoon, mein host.

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Sixteen shandies mit the ginger beer.

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S...s...ginger b-beer... Pints or halves?

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Pints.

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Pints. The ginger beer is...

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Frank, stop playing the fool. I'm tired and thirsty.

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Doris! Yes, Mr Palethorpe?

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Doris, I've got 16 Nazis in the bar, and they want 16 shandies. Ginger beer!

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It's a hot day. They're probably thirsty.

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Oh. Yes, I never thought...

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What are you talking about? Did you hear me?! Sssh!

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Sixteen Nazis! In the bar!

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Don't be daft! Look for yourself!

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Careful.

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They're not Nazis! They're a lot of old men.

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Of course! They're disguised as old men so they won't look like Nazis!

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In that case, why are they wearing Nazi uniform?

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What?

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Get out in the village, quick! Tell the police and rouse the village. And don't make a noise! Go on!

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Don't stand there!

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Well...

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..nice bit of weather you've brought with you, gentlemen!

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Wilson! Jones!

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I thought so!

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Wilson! What are you playing at?

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-Sorry! We felt thirsty, so we had a drink.

-People will think we ARE Germans!

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I say, landlord!

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I'm sure it seems odd to you to see everybody dressed as Germans,

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but I needn't tell you that they're not really Germans.

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No.

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I wouldn't breathe a word to anyone. They might get the wrong idea.

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You do understand?

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Yes.

0:20:490:20:50

Outside!

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GERMAN ACCENT: Come on, everybody!

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Into the van, fast!

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Into the van. Quick, before you're seen.

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See?

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Hey!

0:21:090:21:12

Don't stand there! DO something! They're escaping.

0:21:130:21:17

-What can

-I

-do? You're a constable. Arrest 'em!

0:21:170:21:21

All of 'em? Arrest that British officer! He's a quisling!

0:21:210:21:26

It's a very delicate situation. BABBLE OF VOICES

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-Excuse me, sir!

-Yes, what is it, officer?

0:21:350:21:38

-May I ask you something?

-Yes?

-Why have you got a vanful of Germans?

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I assure you they're not Germans.

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Schweinhund!

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Get out of the way at once! N-n-n-nar!

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Get inside the van. I shan't tell you again!

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Youthful high spirits!

0:21:550:21:57

I'M not afraid, even if you are! Quisling! Traitor!

0:21:570:22:02

No, no, madam! I'm Captain Mainwaring!

0:22:020:22:05

-YELLING AND HAMMERING

-There's someone knocking on the van!

0:22:050:22:10

He'll get away! Stop him! Quick, stop him!

0:22:100:22:15

You've let him get away! I'll take charge! We must warn England!

0:22:150:22:20

They're making for Walmington-on-Sea.

0:22:200:22:23

Get in touch with the Home Guard. I'll call the Eastbourne police.

0:22:230:22:28

Keep calm!

0:22:310:22:33

It states there that I have the hall every Thursday.

0:22:330:22:37

Why was it given to Mainwaring?

0:22:370:22:39

He told me he'd spoken to you. He hadn't.

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What shall I do?

0:22:430:22:45

Sort that out yourself, Mr Yateman. I'm writing my sermon.

0:22:450:22:50

When Mainwaring gets back, I'll have a few words to say!

0:22:500:22:54

TELEPHONE RINGS Answer it.

0:22:540:22:56

Hello.

0:22:560:22:58

Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard? They're out.

0:22:580:23:02

Don't go. I've got an urgent message for 'em. 16 Nazis on their way over there.

0:23:020:23:09

Who are you?

0:23:130:23:15

I'm Mr Palethorpe, the landlord of the Six Bells.

0:23:150:23:20

Did you hear what I said?

0:23:200:23:22

Nazis, 16 of them. They're led by a British officer, a quisling.

0:23:220:23:27

So tell the Home Guard, and WARN ENGLAND!

0:23:270:23:31

Gor blimey! What's the matter, Mr Hodges?

0:23:340:23:38

The landlord of the Six Bells has had a right skinful.

0:23:380:23:42

Blabbering about Germans led by a British officer.

0:23:420:23:46

The evils of drink!

0:23:460:23:48

Yes, indeed, your reverence.

0:23:500:23:52

-Fall out, men!

-> There's Napoleon!

0:23:520:23:55

I'll get the booking of this hall sorted out! Come on!

0:23:550:24:00

I'm writing my sermon! It's your hall! Come on.

0:24:000:24:04

Stop handling me! You know I can't stand it.

0:24:040:24:07

Come on, get out! And you! Go on!

0:24:070:24:10

Germans!

0:24:160:24:18

Pay attention! I know you're disappointed we couldn't do any shooting today.

0:24:180:24:24

Perhaps we'll have better luck next week.

0:24:260:24:29

I must stress how secret this is.

0:24:290:24:32

I want no repetition of this morning.

0:24:320:24:35

We can't be seen in these uniforms. Hide them till they're needed for shooting.

0:24:350:24:41

WHISPERS: I can't believe it!

0:24:410:24:44

That landlord wasn't drunk. It's Mainwaring. He's a quisling. A traitor!

0:24:440:24:50

Oh, no! They'll shoot us!

0:24:500:24:52

Yeah! They'll shoot us!

0:24:520:24:55

We must sound the alarm. Yes...

0:24:550:24:58

The church bells!

0:24:580:25:00

VICAR: Now, quick, Mr Hodges, lock the door!

0:25:170:25:21

What peal shall we use? Stupid fellow, just ring the bells!

0:25:210:25:25

But...

0:25:250:25:27

Pull the ropes!

0:25:270:25:28

Quick!

0:25:280:25:30

That's all, men.

0:25:300:25:32

-Dismiss.

-Thank you, sir.

0:25:320:25:35

BELLS PEAL DISCORDANTLY

0:25:350:25:39

Good heavens! It's the church bells!

0:25:390:25:42

-The bells!

-The Germans are coming! Don't panic!

0:25:420:25:46

-The Germans are coming!

-Calm down!

0:25:460:25:49

Somebody saw us and thought we're real Germans.

0:25:490:25:53

We must stop those bells! Follow me!

0:25:530:25:56

SHOUTING

0:25:560:25:58

-It's locked. STOP RINGING THE BELLS!

-Oi!

0:26:050:26:08

-WE'RE NOT REAL GERMANS!

-Break it down!

-Right, sir!

0:26:080:26:13

They're trying to get in! HAMMERING ON DOOR

0:26:130:26:17

-Stop! It's not doing any good!

-They can't hear you because of the bells.

0:26:170:26:23

-Phone GHQ tell them it's a false alarm.

-Yes, sir.

0:26:240:26:28

-Permission to speak, sir?

-Yes.

0:26:280:26:31

-Why don't you shoot the lock off?

-Good idea!

-You might hit one of the bellringers!

-Ah!

0:26:310:26:38

Well done! I wondered who'd spot that first.

0:26:380:26:42

-Couldn't we put a note under the door?

-Good idea, Godfrey. Take a note, Jones.

0:26:420:26:48

A note, sir? Right, sir!

0:26:480:26:51

I didn't expect to have to write down anything, sir.

0:26:510:26:55

-Stand clear.

-Stand clear.

0:26:550:26:57

-I'm shooting the lock off.

-Shooting...the...lock...off.

0:26:570:27:02

-Yours sincerely...

-No! Get it under the door.

0:27:020:27:06

-Under the door.

-Captain Mainwaring!

0:27:060:27:09

If we shoot the lock off, WE'LL have to pay for the damage!

0:27:090:27:14

Stand clear!

0:27:140:27:16

-It's still locked.

-INSIDE:

-Just a minute, sir!

0:27:190:27:23

It was bolted!

0:27:240:27:26

-How did you get in?

-Through the vestry. There's no-one here.

0:27:270:27:32

-Captain Mainwaring!

-Yes?

-Look!

0:27:320:27:35

What are you doing? Come down at once!

0:27:380:27:42

You...you flipping hooligans!

0:27:420:27:44

-Mr Mainwaring?

-Yes?

0:27:440:27:47

Oooh! Hello!

0:27:470:27:48

-I got through to GHQ, spoke to the brigadier.

-And?

0:27:480:27:53

-There was three battalions of Coldstream Guards on their way, but we stopped 'em.

-Well done, Pike.

0:27:530:28:00

The whole of the south coast is on red alert!

0:28:000:28:04

The brigadier wanted to know what blithering idiot was responsible!

0:28:040:28:09

So I made an appointment for you tomorrow, 10.30.

0:28:090:28:13

You stupid boy!

0:28:180:28:20

Subtitles by Alison Berry 1993

0:29:200:29:22

Classic wartime sitcom. The platoon is ordered to assist in the making of a training film, but Captain Mainwaring is disgusted to learn that his men will be playing the parts of Nazi soldiers.