When You've Got to Go Dad's Army


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When You've Got to Go

Classic wartime sitcom. Private Pike receives his call-up papers and, to the great alarm of his mother, he is passed A1.


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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game

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# We are the boys who will make you think again

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# 'Cause who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

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# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

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# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done? #

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Don't you like it, then?

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Hmm...? Oh, it's lovely. Absolutely lovely.

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Queued up for hours for that.

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Oh, it's...it's beautiful. I'm very fond of veal and ham pie.

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-The whole thing's a farce.

-I dunno. I think we get on rather well.

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-I'm talking about Frank.

-Oh, Frank.

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It's a farce he should waste a whole day going for his medical.

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He was bound to be called up.

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But they couldn't take him with his chest.

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If he goes without his scarf he gets croup and I'm up all night.

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Couldn't he possibly wear his scarf underneath his uniform?

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Can you see him doing that?

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He's like you he won't be advised.

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Like when I tried to cure his sinus.

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Maybe he didn't like sleeping with a hot water bottle on his face.

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There you are, then.

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-What about his weak ankles? Slightest thing and over he goes.

-I didn't know about that.

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-Why do you think I hold ice packs on his feet?

-I've often wondered.

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On top of that, there's his nerves.

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-That face thing of his IS quite worrying.

-What face thing?

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He's been doing it ever since he got his calling-up papers.

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-Doing what?

-Well, this, you see.

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-That!

-Sort of.

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That's his age. All boys do that.

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-Do they?

-Arthur!

-Mm?

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Do you have to smoke during meals?

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Mavis, I've practically finished it up.

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You eat like a bird. Beats me where you get your energy!

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< I'm back. Yoo-hoo! Oh, he's back.

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Hello, Mum.

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And about time, too. You're due on parade in ten minutes.

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Sit down and don't bolt your tea.

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Don't you want to know how I got on?

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Take 5 minutes to decide about you.

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I was there all day.

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I passed my fit I'm A1.

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A1? Oh, no!

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For heaven's sake, don't get upset.

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It's a mistake. I should have gone.

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Did you tell them what I told you?

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Yeah. They said I could be put right with exercise, air and good food.

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-Good food? I gave him my egg this morning. Tell him, Arthur.

-She gave you her egg, Frank.

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Thank you.

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Go and see them, Arthur. They're not having my Frank for a soldier.

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No. I asked to be put in the RAF.

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You? In an aeroplane? You get dizzy standing on a chair.

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I asked if I could be a Spitfire pilot.

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They said I've to be an aircraftman first.

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Think I'll be the second of the few.

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Squad ten-shun!

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Stand at ease. Now...Where's Jones?

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He's not here.

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Mark him absent without leave.

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Pay attention.

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We're losing one of our loyalest platoon members Private Pike.

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Young Frank Pike has been with us since the day we were formed...

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-Why does he keep doing that?

-What's that, sir?

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I think that's just his age, sir. All boys do it, you know.

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I didn't.

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Now, to mark the occasion of his departure,

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I propose...

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-Sorry I'm late. We had a crisis.

-Yes. Well, settle down, Jones.

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-Ask me what happened.

-You cut your finger.

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Who told you?

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You've been marked absent.

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I had to go to hospital. It's a hazard of my profession.

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-You're here, now.

-Don't worry it's my trigger finger.

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-I'm amphibious.

-Oh, good.

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I can still give the cold steel.

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-I can still shove it right up.

-Yes, alright. That'll do, Jones.

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-Where was I?

-Discussing what to do with young Pike, sir.

-Oh, yes.

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-Leave the room.

-What have I done?

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We're just trying to think of ways to celebrate your departure.

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Oh! Right, I'll go then.

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I'll wait in here.

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I'd speak to his mother about that.

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Very often indicates a deep-seated disorder, you know.

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As you say, the lad... he's been a very good boy.

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I suggest we have a voluntary collection.

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Maximum sixpence.

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Couldn't we buy a pen knife?

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I had one when I was his age.

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I used to whittle.

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Did you?

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-What do YOU think, Wilson?

-Well, sir, I know Pike pretty well.

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He knows his mother pretty well, too.

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Let's not get personal about this.

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It's very nice of Sergeant Wilson to look after Mrs Pike.

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He's a true gentleman.

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Our officer looked after three ladies.

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He was a gentleman. Not very true.

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-You had a suggestion, Wilson.

-Yes, sir.

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I happen to know what Pike likes

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and I think it would be a good idea to give him a celebration supper.

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Fish and chips at the restaurant.

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Capital idea. What do you think?

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-ALL EXPRESS APPROVAL

-Come in, Pike.

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We've decided on your surprise farewell.

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Oh, good. I like fish and chips.

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# You would never hear me complain If I had you... #

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DRONE OF AEROPLANE Is that one of theirs or ours?

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One of theirs. You can tell by the coming and going hum.

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Mmm...

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Mmm...

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Mmm...

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Makes the back of your neck go all goosey, doesn't it?

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Here, Pikey. You're not worried about joining up, are you?

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No, not really.

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You don't want to worry about it. Not in these modern times.

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-I'll never forget when

-I

-joined up.

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They shaved my hair off and washed me with carbolic.

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They gave me a big basin of cold, fatty soup,

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a horse blanket, and I cried myself to sleep.

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Did you?

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It's different now.

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I expect.

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-Yeah, I expect it is.

-Yeah.

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-One thing won't have changed the comradeship.

-No, it won't.

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-You've got to learn comradeship, Pikey boy.

-Yeah, I'll have to.

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If someone nicks your kit, make sure you nick someone else's.

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Be first in the queue when the grub's up,

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then you gobble it up quick and go round a second time.

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Never volunteer look after No.1.

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Someone drops you in it make sure you drop THEM in it.

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Best part of the army is comradeship.

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Yeah.

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Looking forward to that.

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-The blood donor people have the hall for two days.

-His reverence has agreed.

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Mr Mainwaring is aware of that.

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Blood's very important at this time and I want to get a good turn out.

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So how much of the stuff can you manage?

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Not personally...

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But, eh...as a group?

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There's the whole of the platoon and their relations...

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-Put us down for fifty.

-Fifty pints? That's rather a lot, isn't it?

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What? There's 20 in the platoon.

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We only need another 30.

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Hello, Napoleon. This a mothers' meeting?

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Don't barge into my office.

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It's my office as well.

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First and foremost it is MY office.

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You've told him, have you? The warden's group will do their donoring on the first day.

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And they give a certificate to each group to put on the wall.

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It's sort of parchment like... with a red seal and a bit of ribbon.

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They look very nice.

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My certificate will go on that wall.

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"Warden Hodges' group 50 pints."

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My certificate will be above it. "George Mainwaring 100 pints."

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-Aren't you being a bit hasty?

-Just leave this to me, Wilson.

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-Where'll you get it?

-Where will you?

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Through my shop. Anyone signs on gets some onions.

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If that's so, Jones can give sausages.

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-They're rationed.

-Well, dripping or something.

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But my people won't need bribing.

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My congregation will be behind this scheme

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-and I will divide them equally between you both.

-That's three each.

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And toss up for the organist.

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-Now, Pike. You ever suffered from jaundice?

-No.

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I get croup.

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Mum says my ankles are wonky.

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Whenever I stand on anything I get a bit verdigris.

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Apart from that I'm fit as a fiddle.

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-Pike's a donor.

-Right.

-That'll do.

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-What's the score?

-Godfrey, Jones and Frazer, that's three.

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Four, five, six, seven, eight... nine not eligible because they're over age.

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Jaundice two. One on pills.

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Godfrey's on pills, so that's twice you can't have him.

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Only count them once or we'll get in a mess.

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Alright. Two with colds, and...Oh, Lor'.

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-Private Elgood.

-Elgood?

-Yes, he's the one who's...who's...

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What?

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Oh, dear.

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-That leaves you, me and Pike.

-Yes.

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Well, I'm afraid you're going to have to count me out, sir.

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-Why's that?

-I'm a little bit anaemic.

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Absolute rubbish!

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No. I had a word with my doctor,

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and he said far from giving it, I ought to be having it.

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You're trying to wriggle out of it.

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Not at all. I've often been a donor.

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Maybe I'm a bit run down. Perhaps I've been overdoing things lately.

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You've never overdone anything while I'VE been about.

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The fact remains you're still very short of your target 98 pints short!

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-It's a disaster.

-Yes, well, I did warn you not to be too hasty.

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Desperate times call for desperate doings.

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Why can't we falsicate our ages?

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I'm sure we'd pass for 65. Some of us.

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-Ye-es.

-I couldn't be party to anything like that.

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-But, eh...what a marvellous spirit.

-Indeed, sir. Absolutely marvellous.

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-I'm going to talk to the men.

-Are you?

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-Help me on to this form.

-Of course.

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Alright, sir?

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Alright. I'm perfectly alright.

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The officer wants your attention. Pay attention to the officer.

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-They're paying attention.

-Thank you.

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Shall we stand to attention?

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-No, don't bother.

-No, don't bother.

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Now...the platoon is facing a crisis.

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I won't conceal the facts.

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-We are falling short of our target.

-98 pints short.

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Never mind about the details.

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We've had dark times before, but we have always triumphed.

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And, it behoves every man of us

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to search the highways, the byways,

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and call on friends, loved ones, relations,

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-so they can...

-Rally to our 'bottle' cry.

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I wish you wouldn't do that.

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..rally to our cause.

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Excuse me. Will Mrs Mainwaring be "rallying to the cause"?

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I feel sure...

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that, with our combined efforts,

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that certificate is as good as on the wall now.

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I don't think Mrs Mainwaring will do a lot of rallying.

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# Round the land all clear...#

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Didn't feel a thing.

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You did it for your country.

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I'm sorry, Captain Mainwaring. There's no sign of anyone else.

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Thank you, Godfrey.

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It's not like Jones to let us down.

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He's off with ten men and their bayonets.

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Captain Mainwaring, this is too bad.

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I have all these nurses standing by for you, the boy and the vicar.

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They'll be along in a few minutes.

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I sincerely hope so. I could have gone to another town.

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Vicar, what happened to your three?

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Ah, well. The flesh is weak.

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It's a month since they saw onions.

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This really is most awkward, isn't it, Wilson?

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I do feel very deeply for you.

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-Couldn't you help us out?

-Sorry.

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-It's so embarrassing.

-Can't you and Frank go round again?

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I think Mum wanted to come.

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But she's so upset at losing me.

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-She was a bit off when Uncle Arthur asked her.

-You did ask?

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-Yes.

-At breakfast.

-Frank!

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I think she was going to say yes.

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Until Uncle Arthur mentioned the burnt taste about the porridge.

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She picked up the pan and poured it in his hat.

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They haven't spoken since.

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You take my advice.

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If you marry, take a firm stand with your wife from the outset.

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-Start as you mean to go on?

-Yes.

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-I'll remember that.

-Good lad.

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Mrs Mainwaring coming?

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I said is Mrs Mainwaring coming?

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You'll have to do something about that habit of yours.

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-What habit?

-This.

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What?

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-Do I do that?

-Almost at the end of every sentence you go...

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Oh, how awful.

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Oh, thank you for telling me.

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-I noticed you speaking to Frank...

-Mm.

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I believe YOU'VE caught this face thing.

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I was explaining to the boy...

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Blimey, it's quiet. Couldn't move in 'ere when my lot were in.

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Let's look at the score.

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HE CHUCKLES

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Hodges - fifty, Mainwaring - three!

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My people haven't turned up yet.

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I hope they come soon. Admit it, you've lost.

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One consolation is that Private Pike is of a very rare blood group.

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There's not one like him in 10,000.

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-Well done.

-I'm one in 10,000!

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I always said he wasn't normal.

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Don't insult this boy. He's going to serve his country.

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They must be scraping the barrel.

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I'll notify your unit.

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Start packing up, Sister.

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-Excuse me, Captain.

-Don't be too long.

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-The yard is full of people, sir.

-Use the one next to the vestry.

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-Corporal Jones has brought them.

-What?

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-Captain Mainwaring. I've done it. 97 pints I've got!

-What are you talking about?

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Frazer, bring the Sergeant in.

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Get in there. Go on. Left, right, left, right. Halt!

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Salute the officer.

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SALUTE, compri? Why you stick me with bayonet?

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I no make trouble.

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Me buddy buddy. Friend.

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What's this about?

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I went to the Italian POW camp,

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and I gave the guard a bit of fillet steak

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and he lent me 80 men for donoring.

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-Enemy blood's not fair.

-It is. They started it.

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What you call me enemy for?

0:20:370:20:40

I not enemy.

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I sit at home - minda my business.

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Trattoria Peasano - very good food. I cooka myself.

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Then they come to me - they say,

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"You got to go fight.

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"You got to go bang, bang."

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We is not to blame, Capitano.

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The Signor Adolf Hitler is to blame.

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Your government should be careful about who it chooses for friends.

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Friends? Oh, you should talk about friends.

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-What about the Stalins?

-That's enough.

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There's 80 Eyeties in the yard. His reverence'll have a fit.

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I'm not given to having fits.

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You've still only got 83. I've won 'cause I reached my target.

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Oh, no you haven't. I got seventeen nuns as well.

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I was coming to that.

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There's seventeen nuns Roman Catholic.

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Nuns quite often are.

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When I was down the POW camp, the nuns were administering to them

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and giving them nice balaclavas.

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And they're all Roman Catholic.

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Except one I think he's a Hebrew.

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And 83 and 17 make - 100!

0:22:040:22:09

There. We've fulfilled our target.

0:22:090:22:12

-Good show.

-Show them in, Jones.

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-Ladies first.

-Youse, get in there.

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This way for the donoring. Nuns first, Eyeties second.

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Left, right, left, right, left, right.

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# And now, you've bitten off much more than you can chew...#

0:22:260:22:31

-Well. Very nice here, isn't it?

-It is. It's lovely.

0:22:330:22:38

That's it. Two plaice and two.

0:22:380:22:41

No, two cod and two and one plaice and two.

0:22:410:22:45

Now here's your pound and I want eight and tenpence change.

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-Haven't you got yours?

-No, no.

0:22:510:22:53

-Mine's a fillet of plaice and two pennyworth of chips.

-Here it is.

0:22:530:22:58

Oh, thank you.

0:22:580:23:01

Oh, no, no, no. That's not right.

0:23:010:23:04

It's not seemly for you to have your fish and chips on paper.

0:23:040:23:09

A plate would be nice.

0:23:090:23:11

A plate for Captain Mainwaring!

0:23:110:23:14

The man's counting my change.

0:23:140:23:17

We haven't got plates for everybody. There's a war on.

0:23:170:23:22

Just a minute, sir.

0:23:220:23:25

You have my plate. That's it.

0:23:250:23:28

Oh, no, that's wrong, 'cause you're plaice and two and I'm cod and two.

0:23:280:23:33

Here, hang on a minute.

0:23:330:23:36

There you are, sir.

0:23:360:23:38

No, wait a minute, sir.

0:23:380:23:41

I've only got six chips left.

0:23:410:23:44

You hang on to those a minute.

0:23:440:23:47

You have those and I'll have these.

0:23:470:23:50

-Yours is on a plate and mine's on the paper.

-Thank you.

0:23:500:23:55

-Like a pickled onion or a gherkin?

-I've quite enough trouble here.

0:23:550:24:01

I don't have them either.

0:24:010:24:04

-Would you like some raspberryade?

-A very little...That's enough!

0:24:040:24:09

Would you rather have lime fizz?

0:24:090:24:11

No, I'm happy with what I've got.

0:24:110:24:14

-Why raspberryade?

-Frank likes it - it IS his party.

0:24:140:24:19

Hello, Napoleon. Eating with the poor people?

0:24:190:24:23

-Go away. This is a private party.

-Don't take any notice.

-Alright.

0:24:230:24:29

I'll have to go for a long walk in the fresh air after this.

0:24:300:24:34

If I arrive home with my clothes smelling of fish and chips,

0:24:340:24:39

-my wife'll have a fit.

-Ah.

0:24:390:24:42

Very sensitive nose, you know.

0:24:420:24:44

I smoked in the house once.

0:24:460:24:49

She tried to keep me out of the sitting room for three days.

0:24:490:24:53

I wouldn't stand for that.

0:24:530:24:56

I said "If that's your attitude, I'll stay out of the sitting room for a week!"

0:24:560:25:02

-Having difficulty?

-Yes, I am.

0:25:020:25:05

Let me do it. It gets clogged up.

0:25:050:25:09

Hang on.

0:25:090:25:12

There.

0:25:120:25:14

Should be alright, now.

0:25:170:25:20

Thank you very much, Pike.

0:25:200:25:23

Are you going to be long? I've a queue a mile long outside.

0:25:250:25:30

You had our money - hud yer wheesht.

0:25:300:25:33

We should have the speeches and go.

0:25:330:25:36

Come along. Charge your glasses.

0:25:360:25:39

-Charge your glass, Mr Mainwaring.

-I have enough in it.

0:25:390:25:44

As Mr Wilson is closely associated with young Pike, we thought he ought to make the speech.

0:25:440:25:52

Yes, alright. Good idea.

0:25:520:25:55

-Don't be long. It'll get boring.

-I'll remember that.

0:25:550:26:00

Pikey, you got to answer.

0:26:000:26:03

-Well, can I have more cod and chips?

-One cod and chips for Pikey!

0:26:030:26:07

One more cod and chips coming up.

0:26:070:26:10

M'lords, ladies and gentlemen, pray silence for Sergeant Wilson.

0:26:100:26:15

Thank you, Jonesey. Thanks, everybody.

0:26:170:26:21

This is really a dual celebration.

0:26:210:26:24

-We congratulate Captain Mainwaring on the Blood Donor Scheme.

-That was a fiddle!

0:26:240:26:30

You had a load of nuns and wops.

0:26:300:26:33

Keep quiet.

0:26:330:26:36

-The town clerk, sir, presents you, with this little scroll.

-Oh.

0:26:360:26:41

Send it to Mussolini - or the Pope!

0:26:410:26:44

Off, off, off, off!

0:26:440:26:47

To continue, ladies and gentlemen,

0:26:470:26:50

we would like, I'm sure, to wish good luck and God speed

0:26:500:26:55

to Private Frank Pike.

0:26:550:26:59

ALL: Hear, hear!

0:26:590:27:02

You've been loyal to this platoon, and we shall always remember you.

0:27:020:27:08

Speech! Speech! Speech!

0:27:090:27:12

-Get up.

-I've got all these chips.

0:27:120:27:16

Get up and speak. Take your time.

0:27:160:27:20

Ladies and gentlemen... No, gentlemen...

0:27:220:27:26

Thank you for the fish and chips.

0:27:260:27:30

I would like to tell you a funny story.

0:27:300:27:34

Good!

0:27:340:27:37

I like a funny story.

0:27:370:27:39

I hope it won't be coarse.

0:27:390:27:42

You remember some of us gave blood?

0:27:420:27:46

They found out mine was ever so rare, so they wrote to the RAF.

0:27:460:27:50

Then the RAF said if I was wounded

0:27:500:27:53

they wouldn't have anything to transfuse me with.

0:27:530:27:58

I hope you don't mind me saying,

0:27:580:28:01

but so far your story's not highly comic.

0:28:010:28:06

No...well, the funny thing is...

0:28:060:28:09

They won't have me. I'm not going.

0:28:090:28:12

What?

0:28:120:28:14

You're not going?

0:28:150:28:18

-When did you learn this?

-Yesterday.

0:28:190:28:22

Why didn't you say something?

0:28:240:28:27

Well...no-one's ever given a supper in my honour before.

0:28:270:28:32

Didn't want to miss my fish and chips.

0:28:320:28:36

I like fish and chips.

0:28:360:28:39

Stupid boy!

0:28:430:28:45

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:29:430:29:48