When You've Got to Go Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game

# We are the boys who will make you think again

# 'Cause who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done? #

Don't you like it, then?

Hmm...? Oh, it's lovely. Absolutely lovely.

Queued up for hours for that.

Oh, it's...it's beautiful. I'm very fond of veal and ham pie.

-The whole thing's a farce.

-I dunno. I think we get on rather well.

-I'm talking about Frank.

-Oh, Frank.

It's a farce he should waste a whole day going for his medical.

He was bound to be called up.

But they couldn't take him with his chest.

If he goes without his scarf he gets croup and I'm up all night.

Couldn't he possibly wear his scarf underneath his uniform?

Can you see him doing that?

He's like you he won't be advised.

Like when I tried to cure his sinus.

Maybe he didn't like sleeping with a hot water bottle on his face.

There you are, then.

-What about his weak ankles? Slightest thing and over he goes.

-I didn't know about that.

-Why do you think I hold ice packs on his feet?

-I've often wondered.

On top of that, there's his nerves.

-That face thing of his IS quite worrying.

-What face thing?

He's been doing it ever since he got his calling-up papers.

-Doing what?

-Well, this, you see.

-That!

-Sort of.

That's his age. All boys do that.

-Do they?

-Arthur!

-Mm?

Do you have to smoke during meals?

Mavis, I've practically finished it up.

You eat like a bird. Beats me where you get your energy!

< I'm back. Yoo-hoo! Oh, he's back.

Hello, Mum.

And about time, too. You're due on parade in ten minutes.

Sit down and don't bolt your tea.

Don't you want to know how I got on?

Take 5 minutes to decide about you.

I was there all day.

I passed my fit I'm A1.

A1? Oh, no!

For heaven's sake, don't get upset.

It's a mistake. I should have gone.

Did you tell them what I told you?

Yeah. They said I could be put right with exercise, air and good food.

-Good food? I gave him my egg this morning. Tell him, Arthur.

-She gave you her egg, Frank.

Thank you.

Go and see them, Arthur. They're not having my Frank for a soldier.

No. I asked to be put in the RAF.

You? In an aeroplane? You get dizzy standing on a chair.

I asked if I could be a Spitfire pilot.

They said I've to be an aircraftman first.

Think I'll be the second of the few.

Squad ten-shun!

Stand at ease. Now...Where's Jones?

He's not here.

Mark him absent without leave.

Pay attention.

We're losing one of our loyalest platoon members Private Pike.

Young Frank Pike has been with us since the day we were formed...

-Why does he keep doing that?

-What's that, sir?

I think that's just his age, sir. All boys do it, you know.

I didn't.

Now, to mark the occasion of his departure,

I propose...

-Sorry I'm late. We had a crisis.

-Yes. Well, settle down, Jones.

-Ask me what happened.

-You cut your finger.

Who told you?

You've been marked absent.

I had to go to hospital. It's a hazard of my profession.

-You're here, now.

-Don't worry it's my trigger finger.

-I'm amphibious.

-Oh, good.

I can still give the cold steel.

-I can still shove it right up.

-Yes, alright. That'll do, Jones.

-Where was I?

-Discussing what to do with young Pike, sir.

-Oh, yes.

-Leave the room.

-What have I done?

We're just trying to think of ways to celebrate your departure.

Oh! Right, I'll go then.

I'll wait in here.

I'd speak to his mother about that.

Very often indicates a deep-seated disorder, you know.

As you say, the lad... he's been a very good boy.

I suggest we have a voluntary collection.

Maximum sixpence.

Couldn't we buy a pen knife?

I had one when I was his age.

I used to whittle.

Did you?

-What do YOU think, Wilson?

-Well, sir, I know Pike pretty well.

He knows his mother pretty well, too.

Let's not get personal about this.

It's very nice of Sergeant Wilson to look after Mrs Pike.

He's a true gentleman.

Our officer looked after three ladies.

He was a gentleman. Not very true.

-You had a suggestion, Wilson.

-Yes, sir.

I happen to know what Pike likes

and I think it would be a good idea to give him a celebration supper.

Fish and chips at the restaurant.

Capital idea. What do you think?

-ALL EXPRESS APPROVAL

-Come in, Pike.

We've decided on your surprise farewell.

Oh, good. I like fish and chips.

# You would never hear me complain If I had you... #

DRONE OF AEROPLANE Is that one of theirs or ours?

One of theirs. You can tell by the coming and going hum.

Mmm...

Mmm...

Mmm...

Makes the back of your neck go all goosey, doesn't it?

Here, Pikey. You're not worried about joining up, are you?

No, not really.

You don't want to worry about it. Not in these modern times.

-I'll never forget when

-I

-joined up.

They shaved my hair off and washed me with carbolic.

They gave me a big basin of cold, fatty soup,

a horse blanket, and I cried myself to sleep.

Did you?

It's different now.

I expect.

-Yeah, I expect it is.

-Yeah.

-One thing won't have changed the comradeship.

-No, it won't.

-You've got to learn comradeship, Pikey boy.

-Yeah, I'll have to.

If someone nicks your kit, make sure you nick someone else's.

Be first in the queue when the grub's up,

then you gobble it up quick and go round a second time.

Never volunteer look after No.1.

Someone drops you in it make sure you drop THEM in it.

Best part of the army is comradeship.

Yeah.

Looking forward to that.

-The blood donor people have the hall for two days.

-His reverence has agreed.

Mr Mainwaring is aware of that.

Blood's very important at this time and I want to get a good turn out.

So how much of the stuff can you manage?

Not personally...

But, eh...as a group?

There's the whole of the platoon and their relations...

-Put us down for fifty.

-Fifty pints? That's rather a lot, isn't it?

What? There's 20 in the platoon.

We only need another 30.

Hello, Napoleon. This a mothers' meeting?

Don't barge into my office.

It's my office as well.

First and foremost it is MY office.

You've told him, have you? The warden's group will do their donoring on the first day.

And they give a certificate to each group to put on the wall.

It's sort of parchment like... with a red seal and a bit of ribbon.

They look very nice.

My certificate will go on that wall.

"Warden Hodges' group 50 pints."

My certificate will be above it. "George Mainwaring 100 pints."

-Aren't you being a bit hasty?

-Just leave this to me, Wilson.

-Where'll you get it?

-Where will you?

Through my shop. Anyone signs on gets some onions.

If that's so, Jones can give sausages.

-They're rationed.

-Well, dripping or something.

But my people won't need bribing.

My congregation will be behind this scheme

-and I will divide them equally between you both.

-That's three each.

And toss up for the organist.

-Now, Pike. You ever suffered from jaundice?

-No.

I get croup.

Mum says my ankles are wonky.

Whenever I stand on anything I get a bit verdigris.

Apart from that I'm fit as a fiddle.

-Pike's a donor.

-Right.

-That'll do.

-What's the score?

-Godfrey, Jones and Frazer, that's three.

Four, five, six, seven, eight... nine not eligible because they're over age.

Jaundice two. One on pills.

Godfrey's on pills, so that's twice you can't have him.

Only count them once or we'll get in a mess.

Alright. Two with colds, and...Oh, Lor'.

-Private Elgood.

-Elgood?

-Yes, he's the one who's...who's...

What?

Oh, dear.

-That leaves you, me and Pike.

-Yes.

Well, I'm afraid you're going to have to count me out, sir.

-Why's that?

-I'm a little bit anaemic.

Absolute rubbish!

No. I had a word with my doctor,

and he said far from giving it, I ought to be having it.

You're trying to wriggle out of it.

Not at all. I've often been a donor.

Maybe I'm a bit run down. Perhaps I've been overdoing things lately.

You've never overdone anything while I'VE been about.

The fact remains you're still very short of your target 98 pints short!

-It's a disaster.

-Yes, well, I did warn you not to be too hasty.

Desperate times call for desperate doings.

Why can't we falsicate our ages?

I'm sure we'd pass for 65. Some of us.

-Ye-es.

-I couldn't be party to anything like that.

-But, eh...what a marvellous spirit.

-Indeed, sir. Absolutely marvellous.

-I'm going to talk to the men.

-Are you?

-Help me on to this form.

-Of course.

Alright, sir?

Alright. I'm perfectly alright.

The officer wants your attention. Pay attention to the officer.

-They're paying attention.

-Thank you.

Shall we stand to attention?

-No, don't bother.

-No, don't bother.

Now...the platoon is facing a crisis.

I won't conceal the facts.

-We are falling short of our target.

-98 pints short.

Never mind about the details.

We've had dark times before, but we have always triumphed.

And, it behoves every man of us

to search the highways, the byways,

and call on friends, loved ones, relations,

-so they can...

-Rally to our 'bottle' cry.

I wish you wouldn't do that.

..rally to our cause.

Excuse me. Will Mrs Mainwaring be "rallying to the cause"?

I feel sure...

that, with our combined efforts,

that certificate is as good as on the wall now.

I don't think Mrs Mainwaring will do a lot of rallying.

# Round the land all clear...#

Didn't feel a thing.

You did it for your country.

I'm sorry, Captain Mainwaring. There's no sign of anyone else.

Thank you, Godfrey.

It's not like Jones to let us down.

He's off with ten men and their bayonets.

Captain Mainwaring, this is too bad.

I have all these nurses standing by for you, the boy and the vicar.

They'll be along in a few minutes.

I sincerely hope so. I could have gone to another town.

Vicar, what happened to your three?

Ah, well. The flesh is weak.

It's a month since they saw onions.

This really is most awkward, isn't it, Wilson?

I do feel very deeply for you.

-Couldn't you help us out?

-Sorry.

-It's so embarrassing.

-Can't you and Frank go round again?

I think Mum wanted to come.

But she's so upset at losing me.

-She was a bit off when Uncle Arthur asked her.

-You did ask?

-Yes.

-At breakfast.

-Frank!

I think she was going to say yes.

Until Uncle Arthur mentioned the burnt taste about the porridge.

She picked up the pan and poured it in his hat.

They haven't spoken since.

You take my advice.

If you marry, take a firm stand with your wife from the outset.

-Start as you mean to go on?

-Yes.

-I'll remember that.

-Good lad.

Mrs Mainwaring coming?

I said is Mrs Mainwaring coming?

You'll have to do something about that habit of yours.

-What habit?

-This.

What?

-Do I do that?

-Almost at the end of every sentence you go...

Oh, how awful.

Oh, thank you for telling me.

-I noticed you speaking to Frank...

-Mm.

I believe YOU'VE caught this face thing.

I was explaining to the boy...

Blimey, it's quiet. Couldn't move in 'ere when my lot were in.

Let's look at the score.

HE CHUCKLES

Hodges - fifty, Mainwaring - three!

My people haven't turned up yet.

I hope they come soon. Admit it, you've lost.

One consolation is that Private Pike is of a very rare blood group.

There's not one like him in 10,000.

-Well done.

-I'm one in 10,000!

I always said he wasn't normal.

Don't insult this boy. He's going to serve his country.

They must be scraping the barrel.

I'll notify your unit.

Start packing up, Sister.

-Excuse me, Captain.

-Don't be too long.

-The yard is full of people, sir.

-Use the one next to the vestry.

-Corporal Jones has brought them.

-What?

-Captain Mainwaring. I've done it. 97 pints I've got!

-What are you talking about?

Frazer, bring the Sergeant in.

Get in there. Go on. Left, right, left, right. Halt!

Salute the officer.

SALUTE, compri? Why you stick me with bayonet?

I no make trouble.

Me buddy buddy. Friend.

What's this about?

I went to the Italian POW camp,

and I gave the guard a bit of fillet steak

and he lent me 80 men for donoring.

-Enemy blood's not fair.

-It is. They started it.

What you call me enemy for?

I not enemy.

I sit at home - minda my business.

Trattoria Peasano - very good food. I cooka myself.

Then they come to me - they say,

"You got to go fight.

"You got to go bang, bang."

We is not to blame, Capitano.

The Signor Adolf Hitler is to blame.

Your government should be careful about who it chooses for friends.

Friends? Oh, you should talk about friends.

-What about the Stalins?

-That's enough.

There's 80 Eyeties in the yard. His reverence'll have a fit.

I'm not given to having fits.

You've still only got 83. I've won 'cause I reached my target.

Oh, no you haven't. I got seventeen nuns as well.

I was coming to that.

There's seventeen nuns Roman Catholic.

Nuns quite often are.

When I was down the POW camp, the nuns were administering to them

and giving them nice balaclavas.

And they're all Roman Catholic.

Except one I think he's a Hebrew.

And 83 and 17 make - 100!

There. We've fulfilled our target.

-Good show.

-Show them in, Jones.

-Ladies first.

-Youse, get in there.

This way for the donoring. Nuns first, Eyeties second.

Left, right, left, right, left, right.

# And now, you've bitten off much more than you can chew...#

-Well. Very nice here, isn't it?

-It is. It's lovely.

That's it. Two plaice and two.

No, two cod and two and one plaice and two.

Now here's your pound and I want eight and tenpence change.

-Haven't you got yours?

-No, no.

-Mine's a fillet of plaice and two pennyworth of chips.

-Here it is.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, no, no, no. That's not right.

It's not seemly for you to have your fish and chips on paper.

A plate would be nice.

A plate for Captain Mainwaring!

The man's counting my change.

We haven't got plates for everybody. There's a war on.

Just a minute, sir.

You have my plate. That's it.

Oh, no, that's wrong, 'cause you're plaice and two and I'm cod and two.

Here, hang on a minute.

There you are, sir.

No, wait a minute, sir.

I've only got six chips left.

You hang on to those a minute.

You have those and I'll have these.

-Yours is on a plate and mine's on the paper.

-Thank you.

-Like a pickled onion or a gherkin?

-I've quite enough trouble here.

I don't have them either.

-Would you like some raspberryade?

-A very little...That's enough!

Would you rather have lime fizz?

No, I'm happy with what I've got.

-Why raspberryade?

-Frank likes it - it IS his party.

Hello, Napoleon. Eating with the poor people?

-Go away. This is a private party.

-Don't take any notice.

-Alright.

I'll have to go for a long walk in the fresh air after this.

If I arrive home with my clothes smelling of fish and chips,

-my wife'll have a fit.

-Ah.

Very sensitive nose, you know.

I smoked in the house once.

She tried to keep me out of the sitting room for three days.

I wouldn't stand for that.

I said "If that's your attitude, I'll stay out of the sitting room for a week!"

-Having difficulty?

-Yes, I am.

Let me do it. It gets clogged up.

Hang on.

There.

Should be alright, now.

Thank you very much, Pike.

Are you going to be long? I've a queue a mile long outside.

You had our money - hud yer wheesht.

We should have the speeches and go.

Come along. Charge your glasses.

-Charge your glass, Mr Mainwaring.

-I have enough in it.

As Mr Wilson is closely associated with young Pike, we thought he ought to make the speech.

Yes, alright. Good idea.

-Don't be long. It'll get boring.

-I'll remember that.

Pikey, you got to answer.

-Well, can I have more cod and chips?

-One cod and chips for Pikey!

One more cod and chips coming up.

M'lords, ladies and gentlemen, pray silence for Sergeant Wilson.

Thank you, Jonesey. Thanks, everybody.

This is really a dual celebration.

-We congratulate Captain Mainwaring on the Blood Donor Scheme.

-That was a fiddle!

You had a load of nuns and wops.

Keep quiet.

-The town clerk, sir, presents you, with this little scroll.

-Oh.

Send it to Mussolini - or the Pope!

Off, off, off, off!

To continue, ladies and gentlemen,

we would like, I'm sure, to wish good luck and God speed

to Private Frank Pike.

ALL: Hear, hear!

You've been loyal to this platoon, and we shall always remember you.

Speech! Speech! Speech!

-Get up.

-I've got all these chips.

Get up and speak. Take your time.

Ladies and gentlemen... No, gentlemen...

Thank you for the fish and chips.

I would like to tell you a funny story.

Good!

I like a funny story.

I hope it won't be coarse.

You remember some of us gave blood?

They found out mine was ever so rare, so they wrote to the RAF.

Then the RAF said if I was wounded

they wouldn't have anything to transfuse me with.

I hope you don't mind me saying,

but so far your story's not highly comic.

No...well, the funny thing is...

They won't have me. I'm not going.

What?

You're not going?

-When did you learn this?

-Yesterday.

Why didn't you say something?

Well...no-one's ever given a supper in my honour before.

Didn't want to miss my fish and chips.

I like fish and chips.

Stupid boy!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd