Is There Honey Still for Tea? Dad's Army


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Is There Honey Still for Tea?

Classic wartime sitcom. Private Godfrey's humble abode, Cherry Tree Cottage, is threatened with demolition to make way for a new aerodrome.


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# Who do you think you are kidding Mr Hitler

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# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game

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# We are the boys who will make you think again

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# 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

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# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

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# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done? #

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PEN NIB SCRATCHES

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Aren't you feeling very well?

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What? I... I've got a slight headache.

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SCRATCHING AGAIN

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Frank, do you really have to make all that noise?

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I've to do the ledgers. You know Mainwaring is fussy.

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Yes, but couldn't you do it more quietly?

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Use another nib or something.

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It's the only nib I've got.

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They're difficult to get. There's a war on!

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Yes! Yes!

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Your headache is your fault. You go home after I've gone to bed and you return for breakfast before I'm up.

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I come to eat. Your mother gets my ration.

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But I never hear you leave or hear you come back in the morning.

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Yes, well I... You see, I let myself in and out very quietly.

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You never do anything else quietly.

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Frank, would you please stop! Just stop it will you. Stop. Stop.

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Do you know your trouble, Uncle Arthur? You don't get enough sleep.

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Tonight I'm going to make sure you leave our house before I go to bed. SLAMS LEDGER SHUT

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-Morning, Wilson. Pike.

-Good morning, sir.

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-What's that, sir?

-A new door for my office.

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-How lovely.

-Do you realise, Wilson,

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it's 3 months since the bank was bombed. I don't know how often I've applied for a new door. Red tape!

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Get down, Pike. Pike, get down. Get down.

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-Have you got my name-plate?

-Yes, it's here.

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-Ah, look at this, Wilson.

-Mmm?

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-My name in glittering gold letters.

-Oh!

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Can't wait to put it in its place on the door.

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Well, it is rather a plain door.

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-Mmm?

-Oh that isn't the actual door.

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-Oh.

-The door's inside.

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-They probably put that case on to protect the panelling.

-Oh, I see, yes, Mmm!

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I mean they wouldn't give me, Manager of the bank, a plywood one. Do use your intelligence, Wilson.

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-Take the paper off.

-Paper? This is the door.

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-But it's made of paper?

-Tar paper to be exact. Standard issue replacement in bombed offices.

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-I can't screw my name-plate onto a paper door.

-You could stick it on.

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That's enough, boy. Be quiet. Get back to the counter.

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This is monstrous. I'll complain.

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-Don't go on at me. Do you want it up or not?

-Oh very well, yes.

-Right.

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How can I interview clients behind that door?

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-They use paper doors in Japan.

-What's that got to do with it?

-I've really no idea.

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-How can anybody knock on it?

-You could say, "Don't knock, cough."

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I'm not having people coughing and spluttering outside my door.

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Just a minute.

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-It's got holes in it. What are these holes?

-Don't worry about that. I'll fix that.

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Got any stamp paper? Sure, hang on.

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Here. Ta.

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There we are, good as new, eh?

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I can't have white spots on the door.

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You're a fussy little fellow!

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That suit?

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-Come in the office, Wilson.

-Right.

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-I must speak to those cleaners.

-Yes.

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-Mr Mainwaring, the Colonel's outside.

-Tell him I shan't be long.

-Yes, sir.

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-On the subject of tidiness, you need a hair cut.

-I never get around to it.

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I know you think you look like Anthony Eden, but you're my Clerk

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-and my Sergeant.

-Heavens, look.

-What?

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Look at it.

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Morning.

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-You set fire to my door.

-Excuse me.

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Make way.

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Well done.

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Very quick thinking, young man. Thank you, sir.

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-And the hole?

-Stick paper over it.

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-Shall I get the stamp book?

-Get out, boy!

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Come and sit down, Colonel.

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Sorry to barge in, but I've got some bad news.

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It's about Godfrey.

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About Godfrey? I hope you're not going to say he can't stay in the platoon.

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He's getting on but he's a father figure for the younger ones to lean on.

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-As long as they don't lean heavily!

-I mean emotionally.

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Oh no, when the bullets start flying Godfrey won't throw himself in a funk hole.

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Well not quickly... with his rheumatics.

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-No, it's nothing to do with being in the Home Guard. He lives at Cherry Tree Cottage, doesn't he?

-Yes.

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It's a lovely old place. A cottage with a thatched roof, a white fence and roses growing in the garden.

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It's like a picture off a chocolate box.

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Whenever I pass I have to stop and say,

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"That's it, that's what we're fighting for."

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-I couldn't have put it better.

-Well it's got to come down.

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Come down?

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A new aerodrome's being built there.

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Well, can nothing be done about it?

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It's vital for the war effort. He'll get compensation.

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I thought you'd better tell him then the official notice isn't a shock.

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I won't take up any more of your time.

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Cheerio.

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Goodbye, sir.

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What are we going to do about Godfrey?

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Yes, poor old thing. He's been there with his sisters for donkey's years.

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I know.

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I can't possibly tell him.

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We'll get Frazer and Jones over here. Pike... PIKE !

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Coming.

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Mr Mainwaring...

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I can't get in... Hang on, had an idea.

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-How dare you put your arm through my door?

-The handle had come off.

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-You've torn it.

-It's not my fault if they give a rotten door!

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Don't use that tone of voice to me!

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Go and get Mr Jones and Mr Frazer over here.

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-Yes, sir.

-Right.

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Look at that door. It's only been up a few minutes and it's ruined.

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Mr Jones is here with his takings.

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-Ask him to come in then go for Frazer.

-Yes, sir.

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I wish we could help Godfrey. I feel very deeply about this.

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Lend him some money to buy a new cottage.

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Ah... Well, I don't want my personal feelings to get mixed up with my position in the bank.

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-Good morning, Mr Mainwaring. You want to see me?

-Just a moment. I'll help you in.

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Sir.

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Oh...! Cheap rubbish, the handle's come off.

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-I'll put my shoulder to it.

-No, it's made...

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Well, there's the position in a nutshell.

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Godfrey's cottage has to come down and I've been asked to tell him.

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Mmm... At his age the shock could very easily kill him.

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And you'll be responsible. You were saying, Mr Mainwaring, YOU'LL be responsible!

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Yes, alright, alright, alright!

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-Why don't we move his cottage?

-Move it?

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Yeah. We could take it to bits and put it up somewhere else. We'd just have to number the bricks.

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The roof's covered with thatch. You couldnae number that.

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We could cut it into slices and roll it up.

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-We couldn't do it on a windy day, of course.

-No, no. I think you're getting into fantasy again, Jones.

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He's not. In that film, "Ghost Goes West", Robert Donat and Jean Arthur,

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they took a castle from Scotland to California.

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-PHONE RINGS

-See who it is, Wilson.

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I saw that film.

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Rubbish!

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Their kilts hung too far below their Sassenach knees.

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Yes, Martin's Bank, yes... What?

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Oh, Raymond, yes. Just a minute.

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Excuse me, sir. Jonesey, your boy Raymond says would you hurry up as the offal queue is impatient.

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-Tell him I won't be long.

-He won't be long

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Could we get on. Jones, Frazer...

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Alright, I'll tell him... Goodbye.

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Excuse me again. Jonesey, your boy says Frazer's boy, Heathcliffe,

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said to move the queue from the front of Frazer's shop.

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-Is this true, Mr Frazer?

-Aye!

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I told him to get them shifted.

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How dare you interfere with my offal queue?

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They've no right to queue in front of my shop.

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I don't want old women gaping in my window, arguing about their points.

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Look, my queue doesn't want to look in your window. You've only got an old urn and a bit of velvet in it.

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Ha! My window's better than yours!

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All it's got in it is a couple of plaster pigs with comic expressions on their faces.

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It's not my fault I can't get meat.

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I know we're all busy, but give me two minutes of your attention!

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The Colonel has asked me to tell Godfrey and I think, that is we think, Sergeant Wilson and I,

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that perhaps you, Jones, or you, Frazer, might be better telling him. You are his contemporaries.

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-You mean you're trying to wriggle out of it.

-That's not fair.

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I'll have you know that he is our Commanding Officer and a gentleman!

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And futhermore... Just a minute,

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them pigs haven't got comic expressions.

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They've got happy, laughing faces.

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-FRAZER MUTTERS

-Please, be quiet, both of you.

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It's no good, Wilson, you and I will have to go up to Godfrey's cottage tomorrow and tell him.

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-And you, Pike.

-Yes, sir.

-We must grasp the nettle.

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His garden hasn't got any nettles. He's proud of it.

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# Follow the white line all the way

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# Leading from the Rose and Crown... #

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-We've got to pick exactly the right time to tell Godfrey.

-How will we know when the right time is?

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In that film, "Dangerous Moonlight",

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Anton Walbrook had to tell his girl he was leaving so he played the piano to keep her mind off it.

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Uncle Arthur could do that. He plays so well.

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Oh look, sir, what lovely flowers.

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Ah, Mr Mainwaring, Mr Wilson, Frank.

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Hello. Mr Mainwaring's got something to say.

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We just thought we'd drop in and say hello.

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How nice. You're just in time for tea. Dolly, Cissy, look who's come to tea.

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-Isn't that nice, Cissy? It's Mr Mainwaring and his friends.

-Oooh!

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-We must get some more chairs, Dolly.

-Yes, more chairs.

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-What were you going to tell me?

-I... I've never seen such lovely roses.

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They are lovely. This bush was planted by my father 50 years ago.

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-Really.

-Tell him quickly and then we'll go.

-He's asked us to tea!

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Look at that, perfect picture, isn't it! I often say to my sisters, it doesn't matter what Hitler does,

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this cottage with its garden will always be here. It's what we're fighting for.

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Mr Mainwaring, are you going to tell him now or during tea?

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-HE CLEARS THROAT

-During tea.

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-Will you sit here, Mr Wilson?

-Oh, thank you so much.

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Ah, how pretty the table looks.

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-Mr Mainwaring, shall I sit next to Mr Godfrey in case he faints when you tell him?

-Be quiet, boy.

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I hope you like this tea. It's made from water from our well. It gives it a special taste.

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Tuck in, Frank. Thanks, Mr Godfrey.

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-Bread, Mr Mainwaring?

-No thank you.

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-You must have one of my upside-down cakes, Mr Mainwaring.

-Very well.

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This bread and raspberry jam looks absolutely delicious.

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I baked it in our old brick oven. It's what gives it the crusty taste.

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And I make the jam from our own raspberries.

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We're almost self-sufficient here. We have everything we need.

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-Mr Mainwaring, during tea! Are you going to tell him now?

-After tea!

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MUSIC: An English Country Garden.

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The sun brings out the colour on that wall.

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The whole place has a sense of permanence. We often say this cottage stands for England.

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Mr Mainwaring, it's after tea. You've got to tell him now.

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You're right, Pike.

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The point is, Godfrey, that, um...

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-Wilson has something to say.

-Me?

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-I can't.

-Get on with it. It's an order.

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-Yes, Mr Wilson?

-Well, em... Could I have another upside-down cake?

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Thank you so much.

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-You've got no guts, Wilson.

-It wasn't my fault, sir.

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I made it simple for you and all you did was ask for another cake.

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-I wanted another cake.

-PIKE PRETENDS TO FIRE

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Cut that out, you stupid boy.

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Mr Mainwaring was complimentary to me. He asked my advice.

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He went to tell Mr Godfrey on Saturday, but as his sisters were there

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he thought the shock would be too much for him. I agree, we should tell him alone.

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We?

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-Pardon?

-When WE tell him?

-Yes.

0:18:230:18:27

He was grateful for my advice. He's giving us a couple of moments then sending Godfrey out.

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Man, oh man! Can't you see he has left you and me holding the baby?

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That's not fair. It's because you and I are the most senior members of the platoon.

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It'd be more tactful for us to tell him.

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You will back me up, won't you?

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Aagh, alright. I'll manoeuvre the conversation round it for you.

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That's right, you do that... Hello, Mr Godfrey.

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Mr Mainwaring said you might like a cup of tea so I brought one out.

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That's nice. Would you put it on the seat?

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We've got to get this done quickly so start manoeuvering the conversation round.

0:19:120:19:19

Godfrey, son.

0:19:190:19:22

Jones here's got some bad news for you.

0:19:220:19:26

Well, how was that, eh?

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Well, my turn to patrol down to the end of the promenade.

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-'Ere, don't leave me, Jock.

-Man, the war comes first.

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Don't you want tea? When I get back. Bye.

0:19:380:19:43

What's the bad news, Mr Jones?

0:19:440:19:47

Oh, well, we'll talk about that later.

0:19:470:19:51

-Let's sit down and have a nice cup of tea, shall we?

-Here.

-Yes.

0:19:510:19:56

Thank you.

0:19:560:19:58

Oh, well, the cup that cheers, eh?

0:19:590:20:02

Now look here, Godfrey, in times like these we are fighting for our lives, for our very existence even,

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and we have to make sacrifices.

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Even Mr Mainwaring has to make sacrifices and a fine man he is!

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I'd put my right hand in the fire for him.

0:20:200:20:24

When I say fire I don't mean a real fire.

0:20:240:20:28

It wouldn't help him if I went round putting my hand in real fires, would it...? No!

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I mean I'm talking... I'm talking meta, metaphor, metaphorisically.

0:20:350:20:41

What was I saying, I've lost the thread?

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About the sacrifice he's making.

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And so he is. He got a paper door!

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Imagine a man of his status sitting in an office with a paper door.

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And what's worse, I tore it.

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It's the same with houses. If a government man came to me and said in a nonchalant manner,

0:21:000:21:08

"I've got to knock your house down for the war effort", I'd let him.

0:21:080:21:14

Oh dear, I'm so sorry. So they're going to knock yours down as well?

0:21:140:21:19

Yes. No. Not mine... You said, "as well"?

0:21:190:21:23

-As well as my place.

-You know then?

0:21:230:21:27

Since yesterday. I meant to tell Mr Mainwaring, but I didn't want to upset him.

0:21:270:21:34

Mr Godfrey, what will you do?

0:21:360:21:39

We'll manage. My sisters will stay with friends and we'll store the furniture.

0:21:390:21:45

-And you?

-Oh, I'll find a room somewhere.

0:21:450:21:50

You'll do no such thing. You'll stay with me.

0:21:500:21:54

I couldn't do that.

0:21:540:21:56

I'll be glad of your company.

0:21:560:21:59

We'll get on wonderfully well.

0:21:590:22:02

After parade we can go home for a stout.

0:22:020:22:06

-I'm afraid I don't care for it.

-Don't you?

0:22:060:22:11

-You could have something else. Anyway we could have cheese on toast.

-It gives me indigestion.

0:22:110:22:19

We could listen to the wireless. You do like that, don't you?

0:22:190:22:24

-Oh yes, I do.

-We could listen to the Forces Programme, have a laugh.

0:22:240:22:30

Ha, ha, ha. I like the Forces Programme.

0:22:300:22:34

I always listen to the Home Service.

0:22:340:22:38

Well we could listen to that.

0:22:380:22:40

We'll be alright, you'll see!

0:22:410:22:44

D... R...

0:22:440:22:49

..U

0:22:490:22:51

Hello, hello, operator, aye. I want a trunk call to London, if you please. Aye, London.

0:22:550:23:04

TELEPHONE RINGS

0:23:060:23:09

Hello? Hello, is that Sir Charles? Yes.

0:23:200:23:26

THE Sir Charles Renfrew McAllister?

0:23:260:23:29

Speaking My names's Frazer,

0:23:290:23:33

James Frazer.

0:23:330:23:36

Why ring in the middle of the night?

0:23:360:23:39

Hah! It's quiet and peaceful.

0:23:390:23:42

And it's cheaper! Well what do you want?

0:23:420:23:46

The aerodrome at Walmington, are you the minister in charge of building?

0:23:460:23:51

If you're after a building contract there's nothing doing!

0:23:510:23:56

No, it's not that. Well, what do you want then?

0:23:560:24:00

I just wanted to shift the aerodrome a wee bit.

0:24:000:24:05

Are you out of your mind?

0:24:070:24:09

Sir Charles, I was reading in the papers the other day about your recent knighthood

0:24:090:24:16

and it said that you come from a very fine, old Scottish family

0:24:160:24:21

that can trace their origins way back to Robert The Bruce.

0:24:210:24:26

Have you woken me to discuss my ancestors?

0:24:260:24:30

No.

0:24:300:24:32

I woke you up to ask you this,

0:24:320:24:35

could you possibly be the laddie with the same name whose father kept the Fish and Chip shop in Barra?

0:24:360:24:45

Who was expelled from school for cheating?

0:24:450:24:49

Who got that bonny wee thing Maisie MacIntosh into trouble?

0:24:490:24:55

And who the baker sacked for getting his fingers caught in the till?

0:24:550:25:01

That wouldnae be you, would it?

0:25:050:25:07

Certainly not.

0:25:070:25:09

That's all right then. In that case you won't mind me giving the story

0:25:090:25:15

to a certain society magazine, will ye?

0:25:150:25:19

Good! It just so happens that I've got their phone number right here in front of me,

0:25:190:25:26

Charlie-boy!

0:25:260:25:29

Look at poor Mr Godfrey and his sisters. I don't half feel sorry.

0:25:340:25:39

The war can be very cruel you know, Pikey.

0:25:390:25:43

Well, sir, we've nearly finished loading.

0:25:450:25:48

Thank you, Wilson. This is a sad day.

0:25:480:25:53

I wrote to the minister in charge of the building, but I didn't get a reply.

0:25:530:25:58

We're in the hands of bureaucrats, faceless men.

0:25:580:26:03

No more, you'll break the back axle.

0:26:060:26:09

Mr Mainwaring told me to. And I say no, you soppy boy.

0:26:090:26:15

Don't call me soppy.

0:26:150:26:17

I'm gonna have a word with Mainwaring about you.

0:26:170:26:22

My van's full and I want my money!

0:26:220:26:27

-The arrangement was you'd get £2 when the job was finished.

-I want it now.

0:26:270:26:33

-Shoot him! You're entitled to.

-Be quiet, Pike.

0:26:330:26:37

Hold on!

0:26:410:26:43

-Hold on!

-What is it, Frazer?

0:26:430:26:46

This is Mr Blackwell from the Town Hall. They're moving the aerodrome.

0:26:460:26:51

So Mr Godfrey won't have to leave his home!

0:26:510:26:55

-This is good news!

-I can listen to the Forces Programme! I'm going to tell him.

0:26:550:27:02

They're moving the aerodrome 200 yards.

0:27:020:27:05

-The cottage won't be in the middle?

-Just on the edge!

0:27:050:27:10

Right, unload the van, men.

0:27:100:27:13

-'Ere, what about my two quid?

-The job has not been done!

0:27:130:27:18

You chiseller. I WANT my two quid!

0:27:180:27:21

-Do you mind not raising your voice?

-I want MY MONEY!

-Come away, Wilson.

0:27:210:27:27

Nice, isn't it, sir!

0:27:320:27:35

Different to the last time we had tea with you when Mainwaring tried to tell you the news!

0:27:350:27:42

It must have been my letter to the minister that did it.

0:27:420:27:47

-No doubt about it.

-What was his name?

0:27:470:27:50

Sir Charles Renfrew McAllister. They say he can trace his ancestors back to Robert The Bruce.

0:27:500:27:58

I'm very grateful, Mr Mainwaring. Our peaceful world could have ended.

0:27:580:28:04

ROAR OF AEROPLANES

0:28:040:28:06

Private Godfrey's humble abode, Cherry Tree Cottage, is threatened with demolition to make way for a new aerodrome until he finds an unexpected ally in Private Frazer.

Captain Mainwaring has problems of his own when his office door falls victim to wartime austerity.