Come In, Your Time Is Up Dad's Army


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Come In, Your Time Is Up

Classic wartime sitcom. Walmington-On-Sea's Home Guard attempt to bring ashore a German Luftwaffe aircraft crew who have bailed out into a nearby lake.


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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who would stop your little game

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# We are the boys who will make you think again

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# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

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# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

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# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done? #

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Look at the time, Wilson. Did you give Jones my instructions?

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Yes, I told him to wait outside the church hall for the platoon.

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This evening's parade is an absolute mess-up.

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Good evening. Can I help you?

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-No, thank you, I'm just waiting for my men.

-I don't need 'em. I do the garden on me own.

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No, no. Mr Mainwaring is giving a lecture.

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He's not qualified to give a lecture on gardening. His garden's in a terrible state.

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-I'm not giving a lecture on gardening.

-Who is then? You?

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-No, no.

-Well, don't look at me. I'm not giving any lectures.

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I've got to do the vicar's greenfly.

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I don't want a lecture on gardening.

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I could give lectures on lots of things - woodwork, repairing bicycles...

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That would be a good one.

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Yes, thank you.

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Keeping chickens, restoring old picture frames... There's a dying art.

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-I could do that.

-Left, right...

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Left, right. Left, wheel. Left, right.

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'Ere, I'm not havin' them marching all over my lawn.

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-Mr Farthing!

-Go with him, Wilson.

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What's the matter, Mr Bluett? Mr Mainwaring's got his men walkin' all over your garden.

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-And he wants me to lecture them on gardening.

-No, no.

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The vicar gave us permission to use the garden.

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Yes, Mr Bluett. I don't mind having them here.

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They'll trample all the flowers. I'll see they don't do anything improper.

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-We won't do anything improper.

-Good.

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I've never had a lot of men in my garden before.

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Sorry about this slight mix-up,

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but the Warden is using the church hall, and the Sea Scouts are using the church yard. So...

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-Wilson?

-The vicar said we mustn't do anything improper.

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What's he mean by that?

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-He says he's never had a lot of men in his garden before.

-I see.

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Now, the subject of my lecture today is field craft.

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We have just been issued with some two-man bivouac tents.

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-Wilson?

-A two-man bivouac tent.

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Now, I thought we'd have a weekend camp. And I thought the best time would be...

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-At the weekend.

-Thank you, Frazer.

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Sir, a two-man tent might be all right for two tiny men,

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but what about a tall man, or a big man?

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Yeah, I'd need a tiny man with me.

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And you're a big man, Captain. Sgt Wilson will need a tiny man.

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-And Mr Godfrey there...

-All right. Thank you, Jones.

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We're gonna run out of tiny men.

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-I'm sure I'll find a tiny man.

-There's not enough tiny men, Mr Godfrey.

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Jones, please. I'll sort out the sleeping arrangements.

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- I'll sleep with Sgt Wilson. - I always sleep with Uncle Arthur.

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Now, these tents can be put up in a few minutes. I'll show you.

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-Pike, bang these poles into the ground.

-Yes, sir.

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Mr Farthing! What's the matter, Mr Bluett?

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- They're banging poles in the lawn. - Really! Capt Mainwaring, no holes in the lawn, please!

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You heard what the vicar said.

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-How can I conduct a lecture under these conditions?

-Sir...

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-If you got somebody to hold the poles, there wouldn't be any holes.

-All right. Pike, Jones.

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Hold the poles, right, sir.

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You hold the other end of the tent, Wilson.

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Now...

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Once you've got the poles in the ground, you just throw the tent over them.

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Then fasten the pegs, and the whole thing is done. It's as easy as ABC. Here we go.

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Well, you get the general idea.

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Ahhh!

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Right, clear it all up, Pike.

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The next aspect of field craft is living off the land.

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Get it out of the box, Wilson.

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Now, imagine that the Germans have landed, and all our supplies are cut off.

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We are starving, and have to comb the land for food.

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With a hair brush.

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-What is that, Wilson?

-A hedgehog.

-A hedgehog.

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-Sir, why do you want Sgt Wilson to comb his hair with a hedgehog?

-We are going to EAT the hedgehog.

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I couldn't eat a poor little hedgehog.

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This is war, Godfrey. It's either the hedgehogs or us.

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Sir, have you ever eaten a hedgehog?

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No, not personally.

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But they're very good to eat. The Gypsies eat them all the time.

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Suppose all our supplies have been cut off,

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and you come along and say, "We're going to have hedgehog for supper."

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What if the Gypsies have eaten them all?

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I don't think you need worry about that, Jones. There's plenty to go round.

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Not at this time of year.

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Having caught our hedgehog,

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we now have to cook it.

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Here's a little wrinkle that's worth knowing about cooking Gypsies - hedgehogs.

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Pike...

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Hold your hands out in front of you.

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Mr Mainwaring, why have you poured mud all over my hands?

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All in good time, boy. Give me the hedgehog.

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Now, you take the hedgehog, and you wrap it in the mud.

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Well, go on, boy.

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-But if I do that...

-Do as I say.

-All right.

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Now you...oh... You roll it into a ball, and put it in the embers of a fire,

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and you bake it until the mud is hard. Then you break off the mud, the bristles come away,

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and your hedgehog's done to a turn.

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-Right, clear it up, Pike.

-But I'm covered in it. Mum'll be furious.

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Clean your hands.

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-Wilson, start the fire.

-Right, sir.

-Give him a hand, Jones.

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Mr Farthing!

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They're setting fire to your lawn.

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No, Vicar. It's only a demonstration.

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Mr Bluett, if you disturb me once more, I shall get very cross.

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Just you deal with things yourself.

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Here's a tip for lighting a fire, if the wood should be damp.

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You simply...

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make it go by pouring rifle oil all over it.

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Like that, you see.

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Also, if there is a strong wind, you can overcome that by lighting three matches at once.

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Pike, come here.

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Now look here, Pike, I don't want you to light the fire.

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What I want you to do is just go through the motions.

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Now take out three matches and light them together.

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-Don't light the fire.

-No.

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Just go through the motions.

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Ow!

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I'm not havin' that!

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Ow!

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-I'm all wet, Mr Mainwaring.

-You stupid boy!

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There y'are. That's the lot. Put the salt in, Godfrey, son.

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17 pinches, that's one for every man.

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Dinnae be so namby-pamby. Tip it in. There!

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One-two, one-two, three-four, one-two...

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One-two-three, halt.

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This is the life, eh? Fresh air getting into your lungs.

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Running on the spot, commence.

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Left-right, left-right...

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Keep them at it, Wilson.

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Here comes Mainwaring, poking his nose in. He looks as if he'll burst a blood vessel.

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How's the rabbit stew coming on?

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-Ready in about half-an-hour, sir.

-Good. We're all starving.

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It's a good job we're not relying on hedgehogs. I haven't seen a single one.

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Carry on cooking.

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Halt!

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Now...deep breath in... hands on hips...

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..Trunk circling - commence.

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-Just a minute, sir.

-Don't stop, Wilson.

-There's Hodges' van.

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All right, men, rest.

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How dare he come here and disturb us! Wilson, Jones, at the double.

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At the double, sir.

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Halt!

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-Turn back at once!

-Are you mad?

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Clear off! We're camping here.

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You're not! The vicar's camping here. That's right.

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You'll have to go.

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-You're a troublemaker.

-Three grown men camping?

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-I've just given them a lift.

-How odd!

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Get the boys out of the van. Yes, sir!

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Do you wish to inspect the boys now, your reverence?

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No, you do it yourself! Very good.

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Vicar, I have men here on active service. How can I maintain discipline with these boys here?

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For your information, Captain, my boys are very highly disciplined.

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You tell him, Vicar. We're entitled to camp here.

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That spot there. Mr Yeatman, back in the van.

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Back in the van, boys, quick!

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Right, Mr Hodges. Forward!

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-Well, what are we going to do, sir?

-Why don't we get the platoon to fix bayonets and run 'em off?

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We're not savages, Jones. Let's have some supper.

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-What are you sniggering at?

-Just thinking...

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If we'd been having hedgehogs for supper, and the Scouts had decided to do the same,

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there wouldn't have been any left for them, cos we'd have eaten them all.

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That was a very nice rabbit stew. Very tasty. Very sweet.

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It really is a most beautiful evening.

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Pity about those Scouts. Here we are, a bunch of comrades camping out under the stars,

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-all spoiled by those kids swarming all over the place.

-Right, get them out.

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Now what are they up to?

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Oh, they're going to play pirates.

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Right, boys, down to the water and hoist the Jolly Roger.

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-This is absurd.

-Well, enjoy your camp.

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-You've done this deliberately, Hodges.

-Don't be a spoilsport. Let the kids enjoy themselves.

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Thank you for the lift, Mr Hodges.

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Don't mention it, Vicar.

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# Hooray, up she rises Hooray, up she rises

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# Hooray, up she rises Early in the morning. #

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-This is hardly helping the war effort, Vicar.

-On the contrary, Captain.

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The boys intend to collect money for the Spitfire fund.

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Flippin' kids!

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I think Hodges is having a fit.

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You and your soppy boys! What's wrong?

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I've run out of petrol! That's not my fault. Of course it is!

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You and your silly camp!

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You'll just have to sleep here. I'm not havin' rotten kids crawlin' all over me all night!

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You can sleep with the verger and myself...with feet to the pole.

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You can stick your pole! Mr Hodges!

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Come away, men.

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SNORING COMING FROM TENTS

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Captain Mainwaring!

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Captain Mainwaring!

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Captain Mainwaring!

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Frazer, what are you doing?

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-Trying to wake you up. Listen!

-What?

-Did you no' hear it?

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There! Gunfire!

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-By Jove, you're right. Turn out! Wilson, Pike, Jones.

-Listen, sir, I can hear a plane.

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You're right. It's coming this way.

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Come on, Uncle Arthur, hurry up.

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Frank, stop pulling me about!

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-What is it, Captain?

-Be quiet, and listen.

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SOUND OF PLANE GETS NEARER Look!

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It's on fire.

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-Is it one of ours, Wilson?

-No.

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-Did you hear an air-raid siren, Frazer?

-No, sir, not a thing.

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-Probably trying to get back to France.

-He's not going to make it.

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Well, nothing we can do about it. All right, men, back to bed.

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Well done, Frazer.

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Here!

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Hey, don't blow it here. Come with me.

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Blow it here, and I'll give you sixpence.

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BOY BLOWS REVEILLE

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Go away, boy!

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Well done. Here you are.

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Guard! Rifles and bayonets at the ready!

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-What on earth's the matter, sir?

-Look.

-Who are they?

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-Germans, of course. They must have parachuted from that plane.

-Germans on the water! Germans...

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As soon as I see them Nazi uniforms it gets my blood up.

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Let's go and get 'em, sir.

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I don't think even YOU can walk on the water, sir.

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Pike, tell them to come in at once.

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-Hey, you! Mr Mainwaring says you've to come here at once!

-Hande Hoch!

-Hande Hoch!

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They're ignoring us. You don't think they're dead? They're sitting upright!

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Why not just wait? They'll have to come in sooner or later.

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As soon as it's dark they could slip ashore and get away.

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Right. Move your boys, Vicar. There's going to be some shooting.

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Come on, boys, into the trees. Into the trees.

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Mr Yeatman, stay here. Capt Mainwaring might need you.

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-Frazer, fire a shot over their heads.

-Aye, aye, sir.

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-They haven't moved a muscle. You've got to admire their courage.

-They're just stupid, Wilson!

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Why don't we go out to them? We could use the Scouts' raft.

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-Good thinking, Pike. Frazer, Godfrey, stay here.

-None of us speaks German.

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-Mr Hodges does. In the last war, he was a guard at a prisoner-of-war camp.

-Hodges!

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-Here!

-You know what YOU can do.

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-Go and get him, Jones.

-Yes, sir.

-Follow me.

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Come on, you heard what the officer said. At the double!

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-What if the Germans are armed?

-We'll blast them out of the water.

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They're heading for disaster! SHEER disaster!

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-Come on, Hodges, I want you as interpreter.

-I'm a civilian!

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You're under my orders, on active service. Get on!

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Shoot him, Mr Mainwaring. You've got every right.

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-Get up at the front, keep them covered, Pike.

-Mr Mainwaring.

-Right, shove off!

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-They're taking no notice of us.

-I've never seen three such surly-looking brutes.

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-Keep them covered, Pike.

-Yes, Mr Mainwaring.

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-Hodges, tell them to surrender in the name of the King.

-Ergeben sich in der name von den Konig.

0:24:050:24:12

I think they understood that, sir.

0:24:120:24:15

What's happening, Mr Frazer? Are the Germans being awkward?

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They're sittin' there with their hands up, but not takin' a bit of notice.

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Not a blind bit of notice!

0:24:260:24:29

-Tell them again, Hodges.

-Kommen Sie herein!

0:24:290:24:33

They don't want to come herein!

0:24:330:24:36

-I can't stand sulking Nazis.

-Why don't we just shoot them?

0:24:360:24:42

-Pike, we're British. We can't shoot men with their hands up.

-Let's shoot at the dinghy then.

0:24:420:24:49

We might hit them. That's the penalty one pays for being a sporting nation.

0:24:490:24:57

We could attach a rope to the dinghy and tow it ashore.

0:24:570:25:02

Ah, well done, Wilson. I wondered who'd be the first one to spot that.

0:25:020:25:09

Jones, tie the end of that rope to the mast.

0:25:090:25:14

-Hodges, you tie the other end to the dinghy.

-Look here!

-Do as you are told.

0:25:150:25:22

Right, forward, men! Forward!

0:25:220:25:25

Watch it!

0:25:290:25:32

Bit closer. Closer still. Keep moving.

0:25:320:25:34

A little bit closer.

0:25:340:25:36

Bloody hooligans!

0:25:420:25:45

We're sinking!

0:26:040:26:07

Let's get ashore as fast as we can.

0:26:070:26:11

It won't work, Jones. You're in the realms of fantasy.

0:26:130:26:16

Let me do it, sir. I put the gas mask on,

0:26:160:26:21

and I attach this pipe to a little raft with camouflage on it,

0:26:210:26:28

then I can swim underwater and breathe through the pipe.

0:26:280:26:33

I'll pierce the dingy with my bayonet.

0:26:330:26:38

-What do you think, Wilson?

-I think he'll drown.

0:26:380:26:42

I'll show you.

0:26:420:26:45

-VOICE MUFFLED

-What did you say, Jones?

0:26:490:26:54

They don't like it up 'em, sir.

0:26:540:26:57

It's worth a try, sir. After all, what can we lose?

0:26:570:27:02

Right, let's get on with it.

0:27:020:27:06

-Sorry I'm late. I had to borrow something from the Scouts.

-This is not a game, Pike.

0:27:060:27:12

-They are three vicious Nazi thugs. Get your coat on, Hodges.

-But I'm...

-Stop making a fuss.

0:27:120:27:20

-Keep them well-covered, Pike.

-Yes, Mr Mainwaring.

0:27:230:27:27

Wilson, point the raft this way.

0:27:270:27:30

-Ready, Jones?

-Yes, sir.

-Well, good luck.

0:27:300:27:35

I shan't forget this.

0:27:350:27:38

Would you mind holding me glasses, sir? Thank you.

0:27:380:27:43

Thanks, Mr Wilson.

0:27:430:27:46

Right. Over.

0:27:520:27:55

That's it.

0:27:570:28:00

Jones has got guts.

0:28:050:28:08

-I don't know what we'd do without him.

-We might have to.

0:28:080:28:14

-He's turning round!

-What's he coming back for?

0:28:160:28:20

-He's under the raft.

-Jones! Jones!

-He can't hear you, sir.

0:28:200:28:27

Ow!

0:28:270:28:29

I got 'em! I got 'em, Mr Mainwaring.

0:28:360:28:41

-What are you doing in the German boat?

-This is our raft, Jones.

0:28:410:28:47

Sorry, sir.

0:28:470:28:49

Ohhh!

0:28:490:28:52

-Mr Mainwaring, the Germans have got Mr Hodges.

-What?

0:28:520:28:58

FIRES SHOTS

0:29:020:29:04

Get down!

0:29:040:29:07

-They're firing at the petrol drums. They're trying to sink us.

-Right, that settles it.

0:29:080:29:15

-You'll hit Hodges.

-Why is that blasted man always in the way!

0:29:150:29:21

Let ME have a go.

0:29:210:29:24

Well done, Pike.

0:29:290:29:32

One for luck.

0:29:320:29:35

-He hit it!

-What's the German for 'can you swim'?

-Hodges!

0:29:360:29:44

Ask them if they can swim!

0:29:440:29:46

I don't care about them. I'M the one who can't swim, you bloody hooligans!

0:29:460:29:54

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:30:460:30:49

Walmington-On-Sea's Home Guard attempt to bring ashore a German Luftwaffe aircraft crew who have bailed out into a nearby lake and intend to stay in their dinghy until nightfall. They could shoot and sink the vessel, but Captain Mainwaring is all for fair play - until ARP Warden Hodges gets in on the act.