Classic wartime sitcom. Walmington-On-Sea's Home Guard attempt to bring ashore a German Luftwaffe aircraft crew who have bailed out into a nearby lake.
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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
# If you think we're on the run?
# We are the boys who would stop your little game
# We are the boys who will make you think again
# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
# If you think old England's done?
# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21
# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun
# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
# If you think old England's done? #
Look at the time, Wilson. Did you give Jones my instructions?
Yes, I told him to wait outside the church hall for the platoon.
This evening's parade is an absolute mess-up.
Good evening. Can I help you?
-No, thank you, I'm just waiting for my men.
-I don't need 'em. I do the garden on me own.
No, no. Mr Mainwaring is giving a lecture.
He's not qualified to give a lecture on gardening. His garden's in a terrible state.
-I'm not giving a lecture on gardening.
-Who is then? You?
-Well, don't look at me. I'm not giving any lectures.
I've got to do the vicar's greenfly.
I don't want a lecture on gardening.
I could give lectures on lots of things - woodwork, repairing bicycles...
That would be a good one.
Yes, thank you.
Keeping chickens, restoring old picture frames... There's a dying art.
-I could do that.
Left, right. Left, wheel. Left, right.
'Ere, I'm not havin' them marching all over my lawn.
-Go with him, Wilson.
What's the matter, Mr Bluett? Mr Mainwaring's got his men walkin' all over your garden.
-And he wants me to lecture them on gardening.
The vicar gave us permission to use the garden.
Yes, Mr Bluett. I don't mind having them here.
They'll trample all the flowers. I'll see they don't do anything improper.
-We won't do anything improper.
I've never had a lot of men in my garden before.
Sorry about this slight mix-up,
but the Warden is using the church hall, and the Sea Scouts are using the church yard. So...
-The vicar said we mustn't do anything improper.
What's he mean by that?
-He says he's never had a lot of men in his garden before.
Now, the subject of my lecture today is field craft.
We have just been issued with some two-man bivouac tents.
-A two-man bivouac tent.
Now, I thought we'd have a weekend camp. And I thought the best time would be...
-At the weekend.
-Thank you, Frazer.
Sir, a two-man tent might be all right for two tiny men,
but what about a tall man, or a big man?
Yeah, I'd need a tiny man with me.
And you're a big man, Captain. Sgt Wilson will need a tiny man.
-And Mr Godfrey there...
-All right. Thank you, Jones.
We're gonna run out of tiny men.
-I'm sure I'll find a tiny man.
-There's not enough tiny men, Mr Godfrey.
Jones, please. I'll sort out the sleeping arrangements.
- I'll sleep with Sgt Wilson. - I always sleep with Uncle Arthur.
Now, these tents can be put up in a few minutes. I'll show you.
-Pike, bang these poles into the ground.
Mr Farthing! What's the matter, Mr Bluett?
- They're banging poles in the lawn. - Really! Capt Mainwaring, no holes in the lawn, please!
You heard what the vicar said.
-How can I conduct a lecture under these conditions?
-If you got somebody to hold the poles, there wouldn't be any holes.
-All right. Pike, Jones.
Hold the poles, right, sir.
You hold the other end of the tent, Wilson.
Once you've got the poles in the ground, you just throw the tent over them.
Then fasten the pegs, and the whole thing is done. It's as easy as ABC. Here we go.
Well, you get the general idea.
Right, clear it all up, Pike.
The next aspect of field craft is living off the land.
Get it out of the box, Wilson.
Now, imagine that the Germans have landed, and all our supplies are cut off.
We are starving, and have to comb the land for food.
With a hair brush.
-What is that, Wilson?
-Sir, why do you want Sgt Wilson to comb his hair with a hedgehog?
-We are going to EAT the hedgehog.
I couldn't eat a poor little hedgehog.
This is war, Godfrey. It's either the hedgehogs or us.
Sir, have you ever eaten a hedgehog?
No, not personally.
But they're very good to eat. The Gypsies eat them all the time.
Suppose all our supplies have been cut off,
and you come along and say, "We're going to have hedgehog for supper."
What if the Gypsies have eaten them all?
I don't think you need worry about that, Jones. There's plenty to go round.
Not at this time of year.
Having caught our hedgehog,
we now have to cook it.
Here's a little wrinkle that's worth knowing about cooking Gypsies - hedgehogs.
Hold your hands out in front of you.
Mr Mainwaring, why have you poured mud all over my hands?
All in good time, boy. Give me the hedgehog.
Now, you take the hedgehog, and you wrap it in the mud.
Well, go on, boy.
-But if I do that...
-Do as I say.
Now you...oh... You roll it into a ball, and put it in the embers of a fire,
and you bake it until the mud is hard. Then you break off the mud, the bristles come away,
and your hedgehog's done to a turn.
-Right, clear it up, Pike.
-But I'm covered in it. Mum'll be furious.
Clean your hands.
-Wilson, start the fire.
-Give him a hand, Jones.
They're setting fire to your lawn.
No, Vicar. It's only a demonstration.
Mr Bluett, if you disturb me once more, I shall get very cross.
Just you deal with things yourself.
Here's a tip for lighting a fire, if the wood should be damp.
make it go by pouring rifle oil all over it.
Like that, you see.
Also, if there is a strong wind, you can overcome that by lighting three matches at once.
Pike, come here.
Now look here, Pike, I don't want you to light the fire.
What I want you to do is just go through the motions.
Now take out three matches and light them together.
-Don't light the fire.
Just go through the motions.
I'm not havin' that!
-I'm all wet, Mr Mainwaring.
-You stupid boy!
There y'are. That's the lot. Put the salt in, Godfrey, son.
17 pinches, that's one for every man.
Dinnae be so namby-pamby. Tip it in. There!
One-two, one-two, three-four, one-two...
This is the life, eh? Fresh air getting into your lungs.
Running on the spot, commence.
Keep them at it, Wilson.
Here comes Mainwaring, poking his nose in. He looks as if he'll burst a blood vessel.
How's the rabbit stew coming on?
-Ready in about half-an-hour, sir.
-Good. We're all starving.
It's a good job we're not relying on hedgehogs. I haven't seen a single one.
Carry on cooking.
Now...deep breath in... hands on hips...
..Trunk circling - commence.
-Just a minute, sir.
-Don't stop, Wilson.
-There's Hodges' van.
All right, men, rest.
How dare he come here and disturb us! Wilson, Jones, at the double.
At the double, sir.
-Turn back at once!
-Are you mad?
Clear off! We're camping here.
You're not! The vicar's camping here. That's right.
You'll have to go.
-You're a troublemaker.
-Three grown men camping?
-I've just given them a lift.
Get the boys out of the van. Yes, sir!
Do you wish to inspect the boys now, your reverence?
No, you do it yourself! Very good.
Vicar, I have men here on active service. How can I maintain discipline with these boys here?
For your information, Captain, my boys are very highly disciplined.
You tell him, Vicar. We're entitled to camp here.
That spot there. Mr Yeatman, back in the van.
Back in the van, boys, quick!
Right, Mr Hodges. Forward!
-Well, what are we going to do, sir?
-Why don't we get the platoon to fix bayonets and run 'em off?
We're not savages, Jones. Let's have some supper.
-What are you sniggering at?
If we'd been having hedgehogs for supper, and the Scouts had decided to do the same,
there wouldn't have been any left for them, cos we'd have eaten them all.
That was a very nice rabbit stew. Very tasty. Very sweet.
It really is a most beautiful evening.
Pity about those Scouts. Here we are, a bunch of comrades camping out under the stars,
-all spoiled by those kids swarming all over the place.
-Right, get them out.
Now what are they up to?
Oh, they're going to play pirates.
Right, boys, down to the water and hoist the Jolly Roger.
-This is absurd.
-Well, enjoy your camp.
-You've done this deliberately, Hodges.
-Don't be a spoilsport. Let the kids enjoy themselves.
Thank you for the lift, Mr Hodges.
Don't mention it, Vicar.
# Hooray, up she rises Hooray, up she rises
# Hooray, up she rises Early in the morning. #
-This is hardly helping the war effort, Vicar.
-On the contrary, Captain.
The boys intend to collect money for the Spitfire fund.
I think Hodges is having a fit.
You and your soppy boys! What's wrong?
I've run out of petrol! That's not my fault. Of course it is!
You and your silly camp!
You'll just have to sleep here. I'm not havin' rotten kids crawlin' all over me all night!
You can sleep with the verger and myself...with feet to the pole.
You can stick your pole! Mr Hodges!
Come away, men.
SNORING COMING FROM TENTS
Frazer, what are you doing?
-Trying to wake you up. Listen!
-Did you no' hear it?
-By Jove, you're right. Turn out! Wilson, Pike, Jones.
-Listen, sir, I can hear a plane.
You're right. It's coming this way.
Come on, Uncle Arthur, hurry up.
Frank, stop pulling me about!
-What is it, Captain?
-Be quiet, and listen.
SOUND OF PLANE GETS NEARER Look!
It's on fire.
-Is it one of ours, Wilson?
-Did you hear an air-raid siren, Frazer?
-No, sir, not a thing.
-Probably trying to get back to France.
-He's not going to make it.
Well, nothing we can do about it. All right, men, back to bed.
Well done, Frazer.
Hey, don't blow it here. Come with me.
Blow it here, and I'll give you sixpence.
BOY BLOWS REVEILLE
Go away, boy!
Well done. Here you are.
Guard! Rifles and bayonets at the ready!
-What on earth's the matter, sir?
-Who are they?
-Germans, of course. They must have parachuted from that plane.
-Germans on the water! Germans...
As soon as I see them Nazi uniforms it gets my blood up.
Let's go and get 'em, sir.
I don't think even YOU can walk on the water, sir.
Pike, tell them to come in at once.
-Hey, you! Mr Mainwaring says you've to come here at once!
They're ignoring us. You don't think they're dead? They're sitting upright!
Why not just wait? They'll have to come in sooner or later.
As soon as it's dark they could slip ashore and get away.
Right. Move your boys, Vicar. There's going to be some shooting.
Come on, boys, into the trees. Into the trees.
Mr Yeatman, stay here. Capt Mainwaring might need you.
-Frazer, fire a shot over their heads.
-Aye, aye, sir.
-They haven't moved a muscle. You've got to admire their courage.
-They're just stupid, Wilson!
Why don't we go out to them? We could use the Scouts' raft.
-Good thinking, Pike. Frazer, Godfrey, stay here.
-None of us speaks German.
-Mr Hodges does. In the last war, he was a guard at a prisoner-of-war camp.
-You know what YOU can do.
-Go and get him, Jones.
Come on, you heard what the officer said. At the double!
-What if the Germans are armed?
-We'll blast them out of the water.
They're heading for disaster! SHEER disaster!
-Come on, Hodges, I want you as interpreter.
-I'm a civilian!
You're under my orders, on active service. Get on!
Shoot him, Mr Mainwaring. You've got every right.
-Get up at the front, keep them covered, Pike.
-Right, shove off!
-They're taking no notice of us.
-I've never seen three such surly-looking brutes.
-Keep them covered, Pike.
-Yes, Mr Mainwaring.
-Hodges, tell them to surrender in the name of the King.
-Ergeben sich in der name von den Konig.
I think they understood that, sir.
What's happening, Mr Frazer? Are the Germans being awkward?
They're sittin' there with their hands up, but not takin' a bit of notice.
Not a blind bit of notice!
-Tell them again, Hodges.
-Kommen Sie herein!
They don't want to come herein!
-I can't stand sulking Nazis.
-Why don't we just shoot them?
-Pike, we're British. We can't shoot men with their hands up.
-Let's shoot at the dinghy then.
We might hit them. That's the penalty one pays for being a sporting nation.
We could attach a rope to the dinghy and tow it ashore.
Ah, well done, Wilson. I wondered who'd be the first one to spot that.
Jones, tie the end of that rope to the mast.
-Hodges, you tie the other end to the dinghy.
-Do as you are told.
Right, forward, men! Forward!
Bit closer. Closer still. Keep moving.
A little bit closer.
Let's get ashore as fast as we can.
It won't work, Jones. You're in the realms of fantasy.
Let me do it, sir. I put the gas mask on,
and I attach this pipe to a little raft with camouflage on it,
then I can swim underwater and breathe through the pipe.
I'll pierce the dingy with my bayonet.
-What do you think, Wilson?
-I think he'll drown.
I'll show you.
-What did you say, Jones?
They don't like it up 'em, sir.
It's worth a try, sir. After all, what can we lose?
Right, let's get on with it.
-Sorry I'm late. I had to borrow something from the Scouts.
-This is not a game, Pike.
-They are three vicious Nazi thugs. Get your coat on, Hodges.
-Stop making a fuss.
-Keep them well-covered, Pike.
-Yes, Mr Mainwaring.
Wilson, point the raft this way.
-Well, good luck.
I shan't forget this.
Would you mind holding me glasses, sir? Thank you.
Thanks, Mr Wilson.
Jones has got guts.
-I don't know what we'd do without him.
-We might have to.
-He's turning round!
-What's he coming back for?
-He's under the raft.
-He can't hear you, sir.
I got 'em! I got 'em, Mr Mainwaring.
-What are you doing in the German boat?
-This is our raft, Jones.
-Mr Mainwaring, the Germans have got Mr Hodges.
-They're firing at the petrol drums. They're trying to sink us.
-Right, that settles it.
-You'll hit Hodges.
-Why is that blasted man always in the way!
Let ME have a go.
Well done, Pike.
One for luck.
-He hit it!
-What's the German for 'can you swim'?
Ask them if they can swim!
I don't care about them. I'M the one who can't swim, you bloody hooligans!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
Walmington-On-Sea's Home Guard attempt to bring ashore a German Luftwaffe aircraft crew who have bailed out into a nearby lake and intend to stay in their dinghy until nightfall. They could shoot and sink the vessel, but Captain Mainwaring is all for fair play - until ARP Warden Hodges gets in on the act.