High Finance Dad's Army


High Finance

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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game,

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# We are the boys who will make you think again,

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# 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21,

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# But he comes home each evening

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# And he's ready with his gun.

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# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think old England's done? #

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-What are you doing, Wilson?

-Tidying the sandbags, sir.

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-Not on my desk!

-Oh, sorry, sir.

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-Look what you're doing spilling sand everywhere!

-It's not easy.

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-Mr Mainwaring?

-What is it, Pike?

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-Mr Jones is outside in the bank.

-Yes?

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He's paid in his takings, £15 6s 4d, but he's presented this for £3 2s 6d.

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-Ask him to come in.

-Yes, sir.

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-Shall I go?

-No, this is a delicate matter.

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Stay where you are, only don't make that crunching noise.

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-Sorry, sir it's the sand.

-Then stand somewhere else.

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-You told me to stay here.

-Stand there!

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-Mr Jones!

-Yes?

-(No, no! In here.)

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-Good morning.

-Morning, Mr Wilson... Captain Mainwaring.

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-Bring Mr Jones's statement, Pike.

-Yes, Mr Mainwaring.

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-Sit down, Jones.

-Here you are, Jonesy.

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Now, this cheque you've just presented for £3 2s 6d...

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Yes, sir, that's my staff wages.

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I know it's a lot, but if you don't pay well, you can't keep the staff.

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-Yes... Well, I'm sorry, I...can't cash it...er...

-Why not?

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-Insufficient funds.

-Well, can't you get some more?

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No, no, you don't understand.

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YOU...YOU have not got sufficient funds to meet the cheque!

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So, give me back what I just put in.

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I can't do that. You've paid it in.

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-I want it back it's MY money!

-Then you'll have to write a cheque.

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-Right, then.

-No, I can't cash it you've insufficient funds.

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-I don't understand.

-Look...didn't you receive a letter from the bank?

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-What bank?

-This bank!

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Here we are...Mr Jones's statement.

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-I've brought your coffee, too.

-Thank you.

-And the cheque stubs.

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CRUNCHING NOISE

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Don't crunch about like that!

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-I can't help it there's sand on the floor.

-Well, sweep it up.

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-Why should

-I

-sweep the sand up?! What about the porter? He...

-Pike!

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-Hang on. I DID get a letter, on Tuesday.

-Why didn't you open it?

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I meant to, but I got an urgent load of offal in, sir.

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You have to concentrate with urgent loads of offal. I'll look at it now.

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I can tell you what's in it.

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You can't do that, Mr Mainwaring this letter is private.

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-Jones...

-I

-wrote it.

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Oh!

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Pike, WHAT are you doing?

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Sorry, sir. I'll put you back.

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Oh!

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You stupid boy.

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The point is, Jones, for some time you've had an overdraft of £50,

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and it's not getting any less.

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And...well, I just can't let it go on any longer.

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Look, I'm sorry to reiterate myself,

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but what about the £15 6s 4d that I just put in?

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Yes, but your cheque to United Meat Supplies has been presented,

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which takes care of that.

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-Isn't that so, Pike?

-Er, hang on.

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So...

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..you see, Jones...

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..we have a problem.

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-Let's check these cheques, Wilson.

-Right, sir.

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-That's a very nice cup of coffee.

-Thank you!

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I bet the Germans aren't drinking coffee like this!

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What's that stuff they drink?

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Ersatz coffee, made out of acorns.

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And we're drinking good stuff like this!

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Well, that's what we're fighting for.

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-Good. Take it away, Pike.

-Yes, sir.

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-Must have been the brown sugar that made it taste nice.

-Brown...?

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How that boy ever got his School Certificate, I'll never know!

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Now! The first cheque, Wilson.

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It's difficult to read, sir. It's got a brown stain on it.

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That's a liver stain.

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-How do you explain that?

-Liver always leaves a brown stain.

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-Look, can you pay back this £50 overdraft?

-No.

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-Have you any sort of security?

-No.

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You're becoming insolvent.

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-What can you do about it?

-I could keep the cheques away from the meat.

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Oh, no, no, no.

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I don't mean liver stains!

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Look, Jones, until this overdraft is paid off,

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the bank can no longer honour your cheques.

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You couldn't do that to me.

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-It's not

-I

-who's doing it, it's the bank.

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I'm a servant of the bank, following bank policy.

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Right, Wilson?

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Yes, sir...the servant.

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Now, I'm very busy, Jones...

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Yes, well, thank you for your help.

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I'll just go and have a think. Yes, I'll go to my shop and think.

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Dear, oh, dear. Aren't you being a little bit harsh on him, sir?

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-Do you think I enjoy that sort of thing?

-I've no idea(!)

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If I let him out of an overdraft without security,

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they'll say it's because he belongs to my platoon.

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But it would be terrible if Jonesy went bankrupt.

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I realise that. What can I do?

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You know, sir...every day I walk up the High Street to work,

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and as I pass those little shops...

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a nice, friendly, warm atmosphere seems to come wafting out...

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..even from that dreadful fellow, Hodges, the greengrocer.

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Then I stroll on a little further and pass Frazer's funeral parlour.

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And before I cross over to the bank there's Jones's butcher's shop,

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white tiles gleaming, and Jones there in his straw hat

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and striped apron, giving me a cheery wave.

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WILSON CHUCKLES

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And do you know, sir, it sort of sets me up for the day.

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I feel it's my town, you see.

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Yes...

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-I envy you, Wilson.

-In what way?

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I wish I could afford to be sentimental.

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But I take your point. We'll go and see him.

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Awfully nice of you, sir.

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I'm not a hard man really, you know.

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It's just that some men are born to be leaders...

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..and some men are born to be led.

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And I wish that I too had time for the simple things in life.

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Sadly, I have to bear the burden.

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-That reminds me it's Tuesday!

-Tuesday?

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-Rock cakes!

-Rock cakes!

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-It's rock cakes day at Marigold Tea Rooms.

-Let's go!

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Good thinking. I'll ring up Jones. Order two coffees and rock cakes.

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-And Wilson...

-Yes, sir?

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Don't take the one with all the fruit.

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KNOCK AT DOOR

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Oh, Mr Mainwaring! It's very nice of you to come round personally.

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I was a broken man this morning. But now I know I'm not alone.

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We'll do the best we can for you.

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We're a pretty formidable team.

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We've got the whole financial genius of my bank here...

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Don't suck your thumb, boy!

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Now, where do you keep your books?

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-Right, sir. Here in the cash-desk. Here we are, in here, sir.

-Ah, yes.

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-Get out of the way!

-It's not my fault.

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-Come on, Wilson.

-Right, sir.

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-Oh, get out, Wilson!

-It's not easy, you know.

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What's all this stuff?

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Mrs Johnson's cardigan. There's a nasty draught from the cold-room.

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Put it on, if you like.

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No, thank you!

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-Take this.

-Mrs Johnson's knitting.

-Yes, and this.

-Her bismuth tablets.

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Right, sir, I'll leave you to get on with it.

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Jones. Jones.

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-I say, Jones.

-Yes, sir.

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Where are you, sir?

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-Jones!

-What, sir?

-Where are you?

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What's this thing? Get it off!

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It's Mrs Johnson's fly-paper, sir.

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She's a highly hygienic lady, sir.

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You've got to be hygienic in a butcher's, sir.

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-Get it off, Pike.

-Yes, sir.

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-I'll use a bit of water.

-Not with that!

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I'll cut it off!

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LOUD CRASH

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Now...

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Get your books out of there and spread them on the counter

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so that I can sort them out.

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Pike!

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I'll stop that out of your wages!

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I want the invoice-book, the ledger, the cash-book, and the post-book.

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Right, here it is.

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-Is this all you've got?

-Well, there's several pages in it.

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-What's this?

-Oh, that's a mistake.

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No!

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-Bring the rest out.

-Very good, sir.

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In all my years as a bank manager I've never seen such sloppy ways.

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-It balances out all right, sir.

-But that's not the proper way.

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Here we are, sir. That's the lot.

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-All right, let's see... You go through these, Wilson.

-Right, sir.

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-And you do these, Pike.

-Yes, Mr Mainwaring.

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Here...this cheque here, it's dated 1491!

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Sorry, that's a mistake. I meant 1941. I was in a tizz that day.

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-You must have been!

-DON'T throw...

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-What are these figures?

-Just pounds, shillings and pence.

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No, these little men on the cheque stubs.

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Oh, that's Raymond, the boy. Boys get up to all sorts of larks.

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Let's have a look, Mr Jones.

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Look, Mr Mainwaring, this is how it works.

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He runs along, jumps over a fence...

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-He runs along...

-Oh, give it to me!

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This isn't a game!

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I'll have to take all this home and do a proper audit.

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-Find me something to put it in.

-A carrier bag, sir.

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Use this box. We'll get rid of that.

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I spent hours sorting out those meat coupons!

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You stupid boy.

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Mr Mainwaring's been helpful, but I'm worried.

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He says I'm insolvent. He's taken all my books away to do an AUDIDIT.

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Are you mad? Letting Mainwaring poke his nose into your affairs?

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Once that bank's got their hands on you, they'll squeeze and squeeze.

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You're doomed! Doomed!

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Good Lord, you're back late, sir.

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I've only just finished Jones's accounts. He's in a terrible mess.

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-And I can't find that £50. Better have him in.

-I'll give him a shout.

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No, I don't want them all to know.

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-I'll go. Take a look at the balance sheet I've drawn up.

-Right, sir.

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HE WHISPERS INAUDIBLY

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Pardon?

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HE MOUTHS SILENTLY

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(If it's about you making him bankrupt, we KNOW.)

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Permission to be suggestive, sir. Can all my friends come, too?

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Well, yes, all right. Very well.

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-Leaving you in charge, Sponge.

-Sir.

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-Don't interrupt unless something vital happens.

-What sort of vital?

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Oh...like the arrival of the tea.

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-Mr Mainwaring?

-Yes...

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-I'm Mr Swann, the High Street grocer.

-Mr what?

-Mr Swann.

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I tried to get you at the bank today. I must speak to you. It's important.

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Well, I...what is it?

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Not in front of everyone it's very embarrassing.

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Oh, calm down. I've got a very important meeting here. Excuse me.

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Well! It's embarrassing to HIM, not to me.

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I'll be as brief as possible.

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I've made out a balance sheet. Wilson will give you the facts.

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Well, your business is ticking over and that's all.

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The only snag is the £50 that you owe to the bank.

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So, we'll all have to rally round and see how best to help you.

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Now, for the purpose of this talk, I shall be wearing three hats...

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..as your commanding officer, your bank manager, and your friend.

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Heaven help us!

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Sir, which hat will you be wearing as his friend?

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It's a hypothetical hat, Godfrey.

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Now, the first thing to do is to examine your assets.

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Is that the hat of the commanding officer, bank manager or friend?

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-The bank manager's.

-Now we know, sir.

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It's confusing if you aren't actually wearing a hat.

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Shall I run and pick up your bowler?

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Quiet, Pike, or I'll send you home!

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-Read out the assets, Wilson.

-There's the van...

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I should say...£10 for the van.

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Hold on, man. If you sell the van, the platoon will have no transport!

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Ah, that's very true, yes.

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We'll buy the van from him. Put it down as £9.

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But I won't have any business left!

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I'm trying to help you, Jones. I'm speaking as your friend.

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-You don't sound friendly.

-What do YOU suggest?

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I don't know, Captain Mainwaring...

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-but I can't bring myself to squeeze the orphans.

-Squeeze the orphans?

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I supply meat to the orphanage and three months of bills are unpaid.

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There's exactly £50 worth there.

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Really, this is the limit!

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I spent hours looking for that £50,

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and you had the bills in your pocket!

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I can't see those little orphans starving. They've got no parents!

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I know what an orphan is, Jones!

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Sir, the vicar is a trustee of the orphanage. Perhaps he could help.

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Is he? That's a good idea. Go and get him, Pike.

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-It's a bit late.

-Nonsense! It's only 9.30. Get him.

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All right! On your head be it...

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DOOR SLAMS

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I do hope this matter about the orphanage

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is really important!

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I object to being dragged out of bed.

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It isn't even dark yet, vicar!

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That's not the point. One hour before 12 is worth two after.

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­ His Reverence must have eight hours.

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What's HE doing here? It's none of his business. He's a trouble-maker.

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I am NOT. I am here in my capacity!

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Mr Yeatman is orphanage treasurer. He assists me in every way.

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You see, Vicar, Mr Jones is in severe financial trouble.

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The orphanage owes him three months of meat bills that's £50.

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-That's Miss Twelvetrees' fault.

-Miss Twelvetrees?

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She's given no money for five months.

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This is a very delicate situation, Miss Twelvetrees.

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I understand you usually donate a cheque to the orphanage every month.

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But not for the last few months.

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That's right, Mr Mainwaring. I own a shop in the High Street.

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I donate the £10 a month rent to the orphanage.

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But I've had no rent for five months.

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So, YOU'RE owed £50. ..You've asked for the rent, of course?

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Yes, several times. But my tenant is such a nice, kind, religious man,

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I don't want to push him too hard.

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You see...he's so very, very poor.

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What's this I hear about you being so very, very poor?

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Well...

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I AM poor...

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..very poor indeed!

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What about the £50 you owe Miss Twelvetrees?

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I don't know... I just got a bit behind, that's all...

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I had the £50 ready to give her, but...

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..I lent it to somebody else.

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-To whom?

-MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!!

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Keep out of my affairs!

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You can't squeeze me like poor old Jonesy!

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See you on parade.

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I've never seen such a web of intrigue in all my life.

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But I'll unravel it if it's the last thing I do.

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It's extremely good of you all to turn up today.

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I'm sure Captain Mainwaring won't keep you too long.

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-What's it about?

-Captain Mainwaring will make it clear when he arrives.

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-Well, I'm on duty in half an hour!

-All right, all right.

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-Uncle Arthur, has Mr Mainwaring found that £50 yet?

-I think he has.

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-Exciting, isn't it?

-Frightfully!

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It's just like that film, Charlie Chan Investigates.

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All these guests were in a country house for the weekend,

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and one of them gets murdered.

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Charlie Chan gets them round a table like this, and says,

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"One of you is a murderer."

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"Very soon I shall reveal the identity."

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Hey! Do you think Mr Mainwaring will do it like a Chinaman?

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Don't be silly, Frank, please!

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Ah...so...

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See! See!

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It's very good of you all to come.

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-I won't keep you long.

-He's just said all that. Get on with it!

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Very well, I'll come to the point.

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Yesterday Mr Jones informed me

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he could not pay the £50 overdraft back to the bank,

0:23:320:23:37

because he in turn was owed it by the vicar.

0:23:370:23:41

The vicar was unable to pay, as Miss Twelvetrees owed him £50,

0:23:410:23:46

She could not pay because she was waiting for it to come from Frazer.

0:23:460:23:52

You, Frazer, had already lent it to somebody else, who was Godfrey.

0:23:540:23:59

-Oh, dear...

-Godfrey then in turn lent it to Sergeant Wilson!

0:23:590:24:04

Is all this necessary? It really is frightfully embarrassing.

0:24:040:24:09

Don't worry you all acted with the best possible motives.

0:24:090:24:14

But why did Sergeant Wilson want the money?

0:24:140:24:18

That brings me to the missing factor X...

0:24:180:24:21

..which is YOU, Hodges.

0:24:210:24:24

What are you talking about?

0:24:240:24:27

I intend to show that by your greed ...and profiteering,

0:24:270:24:33

you are responsible for this miserable affair!

0:24:330:24:37

And how do you intend to prove it?

0:24:370:24:41

-I KNEW Hodges would turn out to be the murderer.

-Keep quiet, Frank.

0:24:410:24:46

Come in, Mrs Pike.

0:24:460:24:48

Mum...?

0:24:480:24:50

-Take a seat, please.

-Thank you, Captain Mainwaring.

0:24:500:24:54

-What's SHE doing here?

-You'll see.

0:24:550:24:59

Mrs Pike, would you repeat what you told me just now?

0:24:590:25:04

Well...Mr Hodges there, he's my landlord.

0:25:040:25:08

And about a year ago, he told me

0:25:080:25:11

he was going to increase the rent on my house from £1 a week to £2!

0:25:110:25:17

Well, I told him I couldn't possibly afford it.

0:25:170:25:21

But he said not to worry about it I could owe it to him.

0:25:210:25:26

But then...

0:25:260:25:28

Then, last week, he asked me to go for a drink with him,

0:25:280:25:33

and he told me I owed him £50 back rent!

0:25:330:25:37

But he said he'd forget all about it if I was "nice" to him.

0:25:370:25:43

-The swine!

->

0:25:430:25:46

Would you excuse me just for a moment, sir?

0:25:460:25:50

Would you mind awfully standing up?

0:25:530:25:56

All right, sir. You can carry on.

0:26:050:26:08

You're mad! That's criminal assault! I'll sue you for every penny!

0:26:100:26:15

-Be quiet, Hodges! All that fuss about a little tap.

-Little tap?!

0:26:150:26:21

Carry on, please, Mrs Pike.

0:26:210:26:23

I told Arthur...

0:26:230:26:25

I mean, Sergeant Wilson... that I needed £50 back rent.

0:26:250:26:30

I'd give that £50 back, Hodges. You had no right to put up the rent.

0:26:300:26:37

I'll charge what I want for my property!

0:26:370:26:41

I'll report you to the Chamber of Commerce and they'll throw you out!

0:26:410:26:46

As a Chamber of Commerce member, I second that.

0:26:460:26:50

I third it. You're not a shopkeeper!

0:26:500:26:54

I'll pay!

0:26:540:26:56

Go on, then! I don't carry £50 cash around!

0:26:560:27:00

There's £50 here.

0:27:000:27:03

-You just have to give me a cheque.

-I haven't got a cheque.

0:27:050:27:09

-I

-have.

0:27:090:27:12

I've made it out to your account. You just have to sign it.

0:27:120:27:18

­ You...you mangy bluebeard!

0:27:310:27:34

You can sneer...I've admired Mrs Pike for years.

0:27:350:27:39

But she won't even look at me, because she's besotted with him!

0:27:390:27:44

Hit him again, Uncle Arthur.

0:27:440:27:47

-Would you care to have another one?

-No!

0:27:470:27:51

-Get on with it, then!

-Here's the £50.

-Here you are, Mavis.

0:27:510:27:58

Sorry Mrs Pike.

0:27:580:28:00

-There you are, Arthur.

-All right.

-Thank you...

-Right.

-..for everything.

0:28:000:28:06

-There you are, Godfrey.

-Thank you.

0:28:060:28:09

And thank YOU, Mr Frazer.

0:28:090:28:12

Yours, dear madam. Oh, thank you. You're such a religious man.

0:28:120:28:19

There you are. Thank you, Miss Twelvetrees.

0:28:190:28:23

There you are, Mr Jones.

0:28:230:28:25

-I'm

-the treasurer. That's my job! There you are.

0:28:250:28:31

-Here you are, Captain Mainwaring. Now we're all square.

-Thank you.

0:28:350:28:41

I must speak to you, Mr Mainwaring. I'm Swann, the grocer.

0:28:410:28:45

-Oh, yes. What is it?

-It's a bit embarrassing in front of everyone.

0:28:450:28:50

You're too sensitive. Spit it out!

0:28:500:28:53

-Could we go somewhere more private?

-Come on, be a man! Tell me.

0:28:530:28:58

All right! Your wife hasn't paid her grocery bill for six months

0:28:580:29:04

£49 17s 6d!

0:29:040:29:05

How much have you got there? £50!

0:29:050:29:09

-Thank you. Here's the change. Good afternoon.

-I say!

0:29:110:29:17

Just a moment... That money belongs to the bank!

0:29:170:29:21

Treat yourself to an overdraft!

0:29:210:29:24

I say, stop! STOP!

0:29:240:29:28

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