High Finance Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game,

# We are the boys who will make you think again,

# 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21,

# But he comes home each evening

# And he's ready with his gun.

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think old England's done? #

-What are you doing, Wilson?

-Tidying the sandbags, sir.

-Not on my desk!

-Oh, sorry, sir.

-Look what you're doing spilling sand everywhere!

-It's not easy.

-Mr Mainwaring?

-What is it, Pike?

-Mr Jones is outside in the bank.

-Yes?

He's paid in his takings, £15 6s 4d, but he's presented this for £3 2s 6d.

-Ask him to come in.

-Yes, sir.

-Shall I go?

-No, this is a delicate matter.

Stay where you are, only don't make that crunching noise.

-Sorry, sir it's the sand.

-Then stand somewhere else.

-You told me to stay here.

-Stand there!

-Mr Jones!

-Yes?

-(No, no! In here.)

-Good morning.

-Morning, Mr Wilson... Captain Mainwaring.

-Bring Mr Jones's statement, Pike.

-Yes, Mr Mainwaring.

-Sit down, Jones.

-Here you are, Jonesy.

Now, this cheque you've just presented for £3 2s 6d...

Yes, sir, that's my staff wages.

I know it's a lot, but if you don't pay well, you can't keep the staff.

-Yes... Well, I'm sorry, I...can't cash it...er...

-Why not?

-Insufficient funds.

-Well, can't you get some more?

No, no, you don't understand.

YOU...YOU have not got sufficient funds to meet the cheque!

So, give me back what I just put in.

I can't do that. You've paid it in.

-I want it back it's MY money!

-Then you'll have to write a cheque.

-Right, then.

-No, I can't cash it you've insufficient funds.

-I don't understand.

-Look...didn't you receive a letter from the bank?

-What bank?

-This bank!

Here we are...Mr Jones's statement.

-I've brought your coffee, too.

-Thank you.

-And the cheque stubs.

CRUNCHING NOISE

Don't crunch about like that!

-I can't help it there's sand on the floor.

-Well, sweep it up.

-Why should

-I

-sweep the sand up?! What about the porter? He...

-Pike!

-Hang on. I DID get a letter, on Tuesday.

-Why didn't you open it?

I meant to, but I got an urgent load of offal in, sir.

You have to concentrate with urgent loads of offal. I'll look at it now.

I can tell you what's in it.

You can't do that, Mr Mainwaring this letter is private.

-Jones...

-I

-wrote it.

Oh!

Pike, WHAT are you doing?

Sorry, sir. I'll put you back.

Oh!

You stupid boy.

The point is, Jones, for some time you've had an overdraft of £50,

and it's not getting any less.

And...well, I just can't let it go on any longer.

Look, I'm sorry to reiterate myself,

but what about the £15 6s 4d that I just put in?

Yes, but your cheque to United Meat Supplies has been presented,

which takes care of that.

-Isn't that so, Pike?

-Er, hang on.

So...

..you see, Jones...

..we have a problem.

-Let's check these cheques, Wilson.

-Right, sir.

-That's a very nice cup of coffee.

-Thank you!

I bet the Germans aren't drinking coffee like this!

What's that stuff they drink?

Ersatz coffee, made out of acorns.

And we're drinking good stuff like this!

Well, that's what we're fighting for.

-Good. Take it away, Pike.

-Yes, sir.

-Must have been the brown sugar that made it taste nice.

-Brown...?

How that boy ever got his School Certificate, I'll never know!

Now! The first cheque, Wilson.

It's difficult to read, sir. It's got a brown stain on it.

That's a liver stain.

-How do you explain that?

-Liver always leaves a brown stain.

-Look, can you pay back this £50 overdraft?

-No.

-Have you any sort of security?

-No.

You're becoming insolvent.

-What can you do about it?

-I could keep the cheques away from the meat.

Oh, no, no, no.

I don't mean liver stains!

Look, Jones, until this overdraft is paid off,

the bank can no longer honour your cheques.

You couldn't do that to me.

-It's not

-I

-who's doing it, it's the bank.

I'm a servant of the bank, following bank policy.

Right, Wilson?

Yes, sir...the servant.

Now, I'm very busy, Jones...

Yes, well, thank you for your help.

I'll just go and have a think. Yes, I'll go to my shop and think.

Dear, oh, dear. Aren't you being a little bit harsh on him, sir?

-Do you think I enjoy that sort of thing?

-I've no idea(!)

If I let him out of an overdraft without security,

they'll say it's because he belongs to my platoon.

But it would be terrible if Jonesy went bankrupt.

I realise that. What can I do?

You know, sir...every day I walk up the High Street to work,

and as I pass those little shops...

a nice, friendly, warm atmosphere seems to come wafting out...

..even from that dreadful fellow, Hodges, the greengrocer.

Then I stroll on a little further and pass Frazer's funeral parlour.

And before I cross over to the bank there's Jones's butcher's shop,

white tiles gleaming, and Jones there in his straw hat

and striped apron, giving me a cheery wave.

WILSON CHUCKLES

And do you know, sir, it sort of sets me up for the day.

I feel it's my town, you see.

Yes...

-I envy you, Wilson.

-In what way?

I wish I could afford to be sentimental.

But I take your point. We'll go and see him.

Awfully nice of you, sir.

I'm not a hard man really, you know.

It's just that some men are born to be leaders...

..and some men are born to be led.

And I wish that I too had time for the simple things in life.

Sadly, I have to bear the burden.

-That reminds me it's Tuesday!

-Tuesday?

-Rock cakes!

-Rock cakes!

-It's rock cakes day at Marigold Tea Rooms.

-Let's go!

Good thinking. I'll ring up Jones. Order two coffees and rock cakes.

-And Wilson...

-Yes, sir?

Don't take the one with all the fruit.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, Mr Mainwaring! It's very nice of you to come round personally.

I was a broken man this morning. But now I know I'm not alone.

We'll do the best we can for you.

We're a pretty formidable team.

We've got the whole financial genius of my bank here...

Don't suck your thumb, boy!

Now, where do you keep your books?

-Right, sir. Here in the cash-desk. Here we are, in here, sir.

-Ah, yes.

-Get out of the way!

-It's not my fault.

-Come on, Wilson.

-Right, sir.

-Oh, get out, Wilson!

-It's not easy, you know.

What's all this stuff?

Mrs Johnson's cardigan. There's a nasty draught from the cold-room.

Put it on, if you like.

No, thank you!

-Take this.

-Mrs Johnson's knitting.

-Yes, and this.

-Her bismuth tablets.

Right, sir, I'll leave you to get on with it.

Jones. Jones.

-I say, Jones.

-Yes, sir.

Where are you, sir?

-Jones!

-What, sir?

-Where are you?

What's this thing? Get it off!

It's Mrs Johnson's fly-paper, sir.

She's a highly hygienic lady, sir.

You've got to be hygienic in a butcher's, sir.

-Get it off, Pike.

-Yes, sir.

-I'll use a bit of water.

-Not with that!

I'll cut it off!

LOUD CRASH

Now...

Get your books out of there and spread them on the counter

so that I can sort them out.

Pike!

I'll stop that out of your wages!

I want the invoice-book, the ledger, the cash-book, and the post-book.

Right, here it is.

-Is this all you've got?

-Well, there's several pages in it.

-What's this?

-Oh, that's a mistake.

No!

-Bring the rest out.

-Very good, sir.

In all my years as a bank manager I've never seen such sloppy ways.

-It balances out all right, sir.

-But that's not the proper way.

Here we are, sir. That's the lot.

-All right, let's see... You go through these, Wilson.

-Right, sir.

-And you do these, Pike.

-Yes, Mr Mainwaring.

Here...this cheque here, it's dated 1491!

Sorry, that's a mistake. I meant 1941. I was in a tizz that day.

-You must have been!

-DON'T throw...

-What are these figures?

-Just pounds, shillings and pence.

No, these little men on the cheque stubs.

Oh, that's Raymond, the boy. Boys get up to all sorts of larks.

Let's have a look, Mr Jones.

Look, Mr Mainwaring, this is how it works.

He runs along, jumps over a fence...

-He runs along...

-Oh, give it to me!

This isn't a game!

I'll have to take all this home and do a proper audit.

-Find me something to put it in.

-A carrier bag, sir.

Use this box. We'll get rid of that.

I spent hours sorting out those meat coupons!

You stupid boy.

Mr Mainwaring's been helpful, but I'm worried.

He says I'm insolvent. He's taken all my books away to do an AUDIDIT.

Are you mad? Letting Mainwaring poke his nose into your affairs?

Once that bank's got their hands on you, they'll squeeze and squeeze.

You're doomed! Doomed!

Good Lord, you're back late, sir.

I've only just finished Jones's accounts. He's in a terrible mess.

-And I can't find that £50. Better have him in.

-I'll give him a shout.

No, I don't want them all to know.

-I'll go. Take a look at the balance sheet I've drawn up.

-Right, sir.

HE WHISPERS INAUDIBLY

Pardon?

HE MOUTHS SILENTLY

(If it's about you making him bankrupt, we KNOW.)

Permission to be suggestive, sir. Can all my friends come, too?

Well, yes, all right. Very well.

-Leaving you in charge, Sponge.

-Sir.

-Don't interrupt unless something vital happens.

-What sort of vital?

Oh...like the arrival of the tea.

-Mr Mainwaring?

-Yes...

-I'm Mr Swann, the High Street grocer.

-Mr what?

-Mr Swann.

I tried to get you at the bank today. I must speak to you. It's important.

Well, I...what is it?

Not in front of everyone it's very embarrassing.

Oh, calm down. I've got a very important meeting here. Excuse me.

Well! It's embarrassing to HIM, not to me.

I'll be as brief as possible.

I've made out a balance sheet. Wilson will give you the facts.

Well, your business is ticking over and that's all.

The only snag is the £50 that you owe to the bank.

So, we'll all have to rally round and see how best to help you.

Now, for the purpose of this talk, I shall be wearing three hats...

..as your commanding officer, your bank manager, and your friend.

Heaven help us!

Sir, which hat will you be wearing as his friend?

It's a hypothetical hat, Godfrey.

Now, the first thing to do is to examine your assets.

Is that the hat of the commanding officer, bank manager or friend?

-The bank manager's.

-Now we know, sir.

It's confusing if you aren't actually wearing a hat.

Shall I run and pick up your bowler?

Quiet, Pike, or I'll send you home!

-Read out the assets, Wilson.

-There's the van...

I should say...£10 for the van.

Hold on, man. If you sell the van, the platoon will have no transport!

Ah, that's very true, yes.

We'll buy the van from him. Put it down as £9.

But I won't have any business left!

I'm trying to help you, Jones. I'm speaking as your friend.

-You don't sound friendly.

-What do YOU suggest?

I don't know, Captain Mainwaring...

-but I can't bring myself to squeeze the orphans.

-Squeeze the orphans?

I supply meat to the orphanage and three months of bills are unpaid.

There's exactly £50 worth there.

Really, this is the limit!

I spent hours looking for that £50,

and you had the bills in your pocket!

I can't see those little orphans starving. They've got no parents!

I know what an orphan is, Jones!

Sir, the vicar is a trustee of the orphanage. Perhaps he could help.

Is he? That's a good idea. Go and get him, Pike.

-It's a bit late.

-Nonsense! It's only 9.30. Get him.

All right! On your head be it...

DOOR SLAMS

I do hope this matter about the orphanage

is really important!

I object to being dragged out of bed.

It isn't even dark yet, vicar!

That's not the point. One hour before 12 is worth two after.

­ His Reverence must have eight hours.

What's HE doing here? It's none of his business. He's a trouble-maker.

I am NOT. I am here in my capacity!

Mr Yeatman is orphanage treasurer. He assists me in every way.

You see, Vicar, Mr Jones is in severe financial trouble.

The orphanage owes him three months of meat bills that's £50.

-That's Miss Twelvetrees' fault.

-Miss Twelvetrees?

She's given no money for five months.

This is a very delicate situation, Miss Twelvetrees.

I understand you usually donate a cheque to the orphanage every month.

But not for the last few months.

That's right, Mr Mainwaring. I own a shop in the High Street.

I donate the £10 a month rent to the orphanage.

But I've had no rent for five months.

So, YOU'RE owed £50. ..You've asked for the rent, of course?

Yes, several times. But my tenant is such a nice, kind, religious man,

I don't want to push him too hard.

You see...he's so very, very poor.

What's this I hear about you being so very, very poor?

Well...

I AM poor...

..very poor indeed!

What about the £50 you owe Miss Twelvetrees?

I don't know... I just got a bit behind, that's all...

I had the £50 ready to give her, but...

..I lent it to somebody else.

-To whom?

-MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!!

Keep out of my affairs!

You can't squeeze me like poor old Jonesy!

See you on parade.

I've never seen such a web of intrigue in all my life.

But I'll unravel it if it's the last thing I do.

It's extremely good of you all to turn up today.

I'm sure Captain Mainwaring won't keep you too long.

-What's it about?

-Captain Mainwaring will make it clear when he arrives.

-Well, I'm on duty in half an hour!

-All right, all right.

-Uncle Arthur, has Mr Mainwaring found that £50 yet?

-I think he has.

-Exciting, isn't it?

-Frightfully!

It's just like that film, Charlie Chan Investigates.

All these guests were in a country house for the weekend,

and one of them gets murdered.

Charlie Chan gets them round a table like this, and says,

"One of you is a murderer."

"Very soon I shall reveal the identity."

Hey! Do you think Mr Mainwaring will do it like a Chinaman?

Don't be silly, Frank, please!

Ah...so...

See! See!

It's very good of you all to come.

-I won't keep you long.

-He's just said all that. Get on with it!

Very well, I'll come to the point.

Yesterday Mr Jones informed me

he could not pay the £50 overdraft back to the bank,

because he in turn was owed it by the vicar.

The vicar was unable to pay, as Miss Twelvetrees owed him £50,

She could not pay because she was waiting for it to come from Frazer.

You, Frazer, had already lent it to somebody else, who was Godfrey.

-Oh, dear...

-Godfrey then in turn lent it to Sergeant Wilson!

Is all this necessary? It really is frightfully embarrassing.

Don't worry you all acted with the best possible motives.

But why did Sergeant Wilson want the money?

That brings me to the missing factor X...

..which is YOU, Hodges.

What are you talking about?

I intend to show that by your greed ...and profiteering,

you are responsible for this miserable affair!

And how do you intend to prove it?

-I KNEW Hodges would turn out to be the murderer.

-Keep quiet, Frank.

Come in, Mrs Pike.

Mum...?

-Take a seat, please.

-Thank you, Captain Mainwaring.

-What's SHE doing here?

-You'll see.

Mrs Pike, would you repeat what you told me just now?

Well...Mr Hodges there, he's my landlord.

And about a year ago, he told me

he was going to increase the rent on my house from £1 a week to £2!

Well, I told him I couldn't possibly afford it.

But he said not to worry about it I could owe it to him.

But then...

Then, last week, he asked me to go for a drink with him,

and he told me I owed him £50 back rent!

But he said he'd forget all about it if I was "nice" to him.

-The swine!

->

Would you excuse me just for a moment, sir?

Would you mind awfully standing up?

All right, sir. You can carry on.

You're mad! That's criminal assault! I'll sue you for every penny!

-Be quiet, Hodges! All that fuss about a little tap.

-Little tap?!

Carry on, please, Mrs Pike.

I told Arthur...

I mean, Sergeant Wilson... that I needed £50 back rent.

I'd give that £50 back, Hodges. You had no right to put up the rent.

I'll charge what I want for my property!

I'll report you to the Chamber of Commerce and they'll throw you out!

As a Chamber of Commerce member, I second that.

I third it. You're not a shopkeeper!

I'll pay!

Go on, then! I don't carry £50 cash around!

There's £50 here.

-You just have to give me a cheque.

-I haven't got a cheque.

-I

-have.

I've made it out to your account. You just have to sign it.

­ You...you mangy bluebeard!

You can sneer...I've admired Mrs Pike for years.

But she won't even look at me, because she's besotted with him!

Hit him again, Uncle Arthur.

-Would you care to have another one?

-No!

-Get on with it, then!

-Here's the £50.

-Here you are, Mavis.

Sorry Mrs Pike.

-There you are, Arthur.

-All right.

-Thank you...

-Right.

-..for everything.

-There you are, Godfrey.

-Thank you.

And thank YOU, Mr Frazer.

Yours, dear madam. Oh, thank you. You're such a religious man.

There you are. Thank you, Miss Twelvetrees.

There you are, Mr Jones.

-I'm

-the treasurer. That's my job! There you are.

-Here you are, Captain Mainwaring. Now we're all square.

-Thank you.

I must speak to you, Mr Mainwaring. I'm Swann, the grocer.

-Oh, yes. What is it?

-It's a bit embarrassing in front of everyone.

You're too sensitive. Spit it out!

-Could we go somewhere more private?

-Come on, be a man! Tell me.

All right! Your wife hasn't paid her grocery bill for six months

£49 17s 6d!

How much have you got there? £50!

-Thank you. Here's the change. Good afternoon.

-I say!

Just a moment... That money belongs to the bank!

Treat yourself to an overdraft!

I say, stop! STOP!