The Face on the Poster Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game

# We are the boys who will make you think again

# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

# But he comes home each evening

# And he's ready with his gun

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done? #

-Ah, Wilson. Come in.

-Thank you.

-Sit down.

-Still doing the paperwork, I see.

-Yes.

This concerns you particularly.

-I have to submit a confidential report on my sergeant.

-Really?

To be fair to you, I've copied out what I've written.

-We'll go through it together. I'm not underhand.

-I'm sure you're not.

Right! Conduct - good.

Thank you, sir.

This is your military conduct, not your private life.

Oh, I see.

Next, appearance...

Now...

-I had a lot of difficulty over this.

-Why?

I've known you for a good many years.

I suppose you're almost a friend.

As your commanding officer I must be fair and impartial.

-You can see what I've written.

-Ah, yes... "Could do better."

-How could I do better?

-Look at you.

-Untidy hair...collar and cuffs undone.

-It's more comfortable.

I always do them up when somebody comes.

It's not altogether that.

Your general bearing is slack. You don't even stand like a soldier.

Really? I had no idea.

It's quite true. You're frequently to be seen standing like that.

It's all very well to laugh.

A couple of inches more, and you could be a nancy boy.

You should stand like that.

I'm sorry if you don't think I'm smart. I don't want to upset you.

You're not upsetting me, Wilson.

We are supposed to be soldiers and there's a war on.

I suppose I'd forgotten.

What's next?

"Parade ground manner - room for improvement."

I'm glad you find that funny.

I'm sorry, but this reads like a headmaster's end of term report.

I wouldn't know. We didn't have public school nonsense at my school.

If you didn't pay attention, you got a clip over the ear.

"General alertness - could do better."

I think I should take this seriously, Wilson.

It could affect your Home Guard career.

I'm terribly sorry, sir, I'll try not...

..I'll try not to laugh again.

I've tried to let you down lightly.

I should have put "dozy" under "General alertness".

-Dozy?

-Yes, dozy.

You walk about in a dream.

A-ha!

Are you all right?

You see? You took no notice.

I could have been a Nazi, attempting to cut your throat.

But you're not, you're you. And waving a paper thing about.

Well, I think you're throwing away great opportunities.

Between you and me, there are big changes about.

Our little band could develop into something three times the size.

These three pips may become a crown.

What? You?

You, a major?

Oh yes, indeed. I intend to turn this platoon into a company.

You would be first in line for company sergeant major.

But where are the extra men coming from?

-I

-intend to take time by the forelock...

In the words of the great CB Cochran,

"Early to bed, early to rise, no jolly good if you don't advertise."

I'm going to start a recruiting campaign.

KNOCK KNOCK!

Come in.

Permission to speak, sir.

It's falling in time, sir.

Half are in the hall, and half in the yard.

Do you want the men in the yard in the hall or the other way round?

In the hall.

Thank you, sir.

All those in the hall, fall in the hall.

Shan't be a minute, sir.

All those in the yard, fall in the hall.

Right, sir. All the men in the hall and in the yard are obeying the orders at the double, sir.

Where's Mr Jones?

We have to fall in the hall.

There's no need to go through here.

-Do as he says and fall in the other way.

-Fall in.

This way.

They're falling in the other way.

So, that's our target...

to treble our strength.

And in addition to those people we know personally,

who we will try and persuade to join us,

I think a poster display would be a good thing.

We ought to have one like General Kitchener,

"The Home Guard needs you!"

How remarkable!

I was thinking along those lines.

I don't have any pictures of myself like that, but I can have them taken.

Hold on! Hold on! It shouldn't be an officer's picture.

-Why?

-It's not officers we need, it's men.

Yeah! We ought to have a picture of Uncle Arthur.

-I wouldn't want that.

-I quite agree.

-Sorry, sir.

-Mum says he's good looking.

My sister Dolly says, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

There's no need to be rude, Godfrey.

We should do it in confidence. We should vote in a secret BALLET.

-Whoever wins can be on the poster.

-That's a good idea.

-Is it?

We'll need a photo and I happen to know a fine, cheap photographer.

Good! Lay that on, Frazer.

Wilson, organise a secret ballet... ballot!

All the votes have been counted.

I will now ask Mr Yeatman to hand me the result.

Hand me the result, Mr Yeatman.

There it is. Captain Mainwaring has one.

-Congratulations, sir.

-Very gratifying.

Just a minute! I'm announcing these results in the reverse order.

Captain Mainwaring has ONE vote.

I thought we agreed not to vote for ourselves.

I voted for Captain Mainwaring.

Thank you, Godfrey.

Crawler.

Private Pike has two votes.

-Thank you.

-All right.

Sergeant Wilson has four. Well done.

Lance Corporal Jones has ten votes. APPLAUSE

He's the winner.

I had managed to work that out for myself. Jones is the winner.

Thank you very much.

Congratulations.

It's been a fair fight and I'm satisfied with the result.

What time do we come round for the sausages?

-Hello, Frank. Has Jonesy come round to have his picture taken?

-Not yet.

-But the photographer's here.

-Good.

-I think you ought to look.

-Why?

-It's not very modern.

Where do you want this, Mr Frazer?

What is it?

It's my sister Dolly's aspidistra.

That's where he's having his photo taken. He'll look like my grandad.

Where's the photographer?

I'm under here.

Good afternoon.

Mr Bluett, I didn't know you did this sort of thing.

Oh, yes, I had the concession on the promenade for years.

I used to say, "Hold still, my jolly holidaymakers!"

Then I'd dip into the tank and hand it to them all wet.

It didn't fade until they got home.

Isn't the backing just a bit old-fashioned?

It'll fit Jonesy's face.

I like it. I think it's very refined and well-meaning.

I hate those copper-plated things.

Where do I stand?

Over there.

-Mr Mainwaring will blame you.

-It's nothing to do with us.

I'll put on serious expression, like this.

You'll have to keep still for six seconds.

Six seconds? I can't keep still for six seconds.

I don't blame you. I don't think I could myself.

Can't you use a flash?

I can't get the bulbs.

What about flash powder?

I tried that once, at a wedding.

The picture had a lovely quality...

but the hall burnt down.

I'd like to try this. I can hold this for six seconds.

All right, Jonesy, take a deep breath and keep still.

One...two...three... four...five...

What a pity.

Never mind. We'll have another one.

Is there an extra charge?

No.

Do you think I should have one with my spectacles off?

Kitchener didn't wear them for his photo.

Come to think of it, he didn't wear spectacles at all.

Mr Mainwaring won't like it.

Keep quiet. Try it without the spectacles, Jonesy.

-How's that?

-Fine, as long as you hold still.

-Deep breath.

-One...two...

FLY BUZZES

We can't have that.

His eyeballs will look like fuzzy prunes.

- No extra charge? - This is the last one.

Did you hear that? Hold still, you silly old fool.

Don't speak to me like that. I'm a Lance Corporal.

I could have you on a fizzer.

Sit down, shut up and hold yourself still.

I'm ready. Go.

One...two...three...four...

Squad, 'shun.

You're making a monkey out of me.

-What's going on?

-We're getting the photo ready.

-Who's the photographer?

-It's me, Mr Mainwaring.

-Hello, Mr Bluett.

He does it very cheaply.

It's very artistic. Come and have a look.

Ooh-ooh, Mr Mainwaring!

I'm sorry. That's not what we want. It looks ridiculous.

-I told you.

-Quiet!

Would it be better with my hat?

It's not your fault, Jones. Wilson has the wrong conception.

It wasn't my conception. I did this sketch in the office.

This is what I had in mind.

"You..." Then a picture of Jones. "..need a new hat."

Then a picture of a Home Guard hat.

And underneath, "The Home Guard needs you today."

That's a very good idea. We don't need all this.

-All we need is Jones's head.

-I'll do that. Come here, Mr Jones.

Go in closer. We only need Jones's face.

How's that?

That sheet came off my bed.

Stitch it up.

-Do you want my glasses on or off?

-Er...on, I think, Corporal.

The trouble is, he can't keep still.

-I can keep as still as you.

-I don't have to keep still, do I?

I promise to keep still this time.

Put your expression on. Go!

One...two...

..three...four...five...six.

-I kept still.

-Well done.

-That was a good one.

It wasn't. You didn't put the plate in.

One more for luck.

I can't take any more printing orders for weddings.

I'm only taking war work.

Fred, get your sandwiches off that machine. You'll have raspberry jam all over the type.

It's slowing down again.

So it is. Wait a minute.

You can't get the spare parts.

Where was I?

It's this escaped prisoner of war poster.

Let's have a look.

How many do you want?

About 50.

Bung it in the basket, will you?

Is it OK there? Yes.

Ready the day after tomorrow.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

No, I'm sorry. I'm only taking war work. I can't do visiting cards.

Then you'll have to tell them who you are.

Fred, Fred, come on. The big 'un. It's running dry.

Oh, it never stops.

LOUD BANGING

I think we spoke on the phone.

You're the one with the posh voice.

What can I do for you?

-This is the rough idea.

-"You need a new hat..."

I can't take hat adverts. I'm only doing war.

This is a war hat. It's the Home Guard.

Home Guard? I suppose Home Guard counts as war.

That's the picture.

Oh dear, oh dear.

I can't do many for you. You can't get ink.

-Can't you?

-No, nor the paper.

It must make life difficult if you happen to be a printer.

It's absolute murder.

How about if I give you 50 the day after tomorrow?

That would be fine. Where shall I leave them?

-Just put them in the in-tray.

-Thank you so much. That's very kind.

-KNOCKING

-Come in.

The printers have sent a sample of the poster.

-Good! Good! That was a very ingenious design, Wilson.

-Thank you.

-It's not a very good likeness.

-It's not Jonesy.

Can't I trust you to do anything?

I don't know what you mean by "the wrong picture".

Hang on. Fred!

Where's that Home Guard poster? Here.

There you are. What about that?

That's the prisoner of war. The other one!

Here we are.

Fred, you've mixed them up.

Hello...there's no need to worry.

-We'll let you have the right one.

-Thank you very much.

Tear the lot up.

I can't. The bill poster has them.

-What have you got there?

-Six eggs.

-Can I have one?

-No.

I'm taking them to Mrs Prosser.

I look after her sometimes.

It won't come to anything - she's 83.

She's meeting me here so get along.

They're giving away free polish.

That's Free Polish.

This is a club for Free Polish soldiers.

-Can I wait with you?

-No, you cut along.

Give me an egg then.

All right.

"Escaped prisoner of war. This man is dangerous."

Ugly looking swine!

Don't panic!

Stop or I fire. GUNSHOT

If you had been a prisoner in my camp, you would not have escaped so easily.

Now...who are you?

I keep telling you. I'm Jack Jones.

Lie! Lie! Lie!

It's the truth. I'm a butcher.

Lies! Lies! Lies!

You're making a mess of your desk.

That's mahogany. You're not taking care of it, are you?

Silence!

I shall ask the same question in a different way.

-Who is that?

-It's me.

-So you admit it.

-I'm Jack Jones.

Listen, my friend, you try to be funny with me

and it's going to be very bad for you.

May I speak to my solicitor by phone?

Silence!

You're not supposed to talk to me like that. I'm secretary of the Darby and Joan Club.

Where did you get that moustache?

That's my moustache. I've had that ever so long.

Concealed in your bunk, eh? It's false. Admit it.

Captain Mainwaring will have you on a fizzer.

PHONE RINGS

Hello...? Ah, Major, thank you for ringing back.

I have your escaped prisoner-of-war.

Yes...

Please pick him up quickly.

I don't want him to teach my prisoners bad habits.

What...? Not till Wednesday week.

Very well.

I shall keep him here and we shall make him very welcome.

Put him in the compound with the others.

I can't wait to see Mainwaring's face when he clamps eyes on this.

Here, Napoleon, have you seen that?

-Wilson, you've mixed the photos up.

-It's nothing to do with me.

Can't you do anything right?

Excuse me. I don't know if you're interested,

but I've just seen Mr Jones being driven off by Polish soldiers.

I expect you know all about it.

Cor blimey, that's good.

Those Poles run a prisoner-of-war camp.

-We'll get him out.

-By tunnel?

-We'll drive in Jones's van.

-Hold on. Jones has the key.

I'll drive you. I wouldn't miss this for the world.

I'm not supposed to be here. It's all a mistake.

They won't listen to you, them Poles.

Whoa! Mr Mainwaring!

Mr Mainwaring.

Oo-ooo! I'm over here.

I'm over here.

They won't let me out.

-These here won't speak to me and he won't listen.

-Don't worry.

We'll have you out in a jiffy.

Hey, you! Get your commanding officer and look sharp.

-It might pay to be tactful.

-Damned impertinence.

-I'll put him in his place.

-You tell him.

Put that gun down and listen to me.

I think it would be good not to beat about the bushes.

Captain Mainwaring doesn't like that sort of thing.

Don't apologise. He's in the wrong.

No! YOU are. You have no papers.

-We're sorry about that.

-No, we're not. Wilson...!

I don't need papers. I'm British. I'm known to everyone in the area.

-I do not know you.

-I must phone my commanding officer.

When he hears about this, your feet won't touch the ground.

-You won't have to phone anybody.

-That's better.

You see, as soon as you call their bluff, they climb down.

I demand the release of my colleague.

Ah! So that man is your colleague. That's very interesting.

You're a fine man, Captain Mainwaring.

I've always said you'd stand by your comrades, and you have.

That wasn't gallantry...

it was sheer stupidity.

Do you think my mum will be allowed to send me a Red Cross parcel?

Go away, Pike.

What time will they serve dinner?

It'll be fatty soup. They always serve fatty soup.

-I can't stand fatty soup!

-Don't lose control.

What do you find so funny, Wilson?

-I just thought...do officers have confidential reports?

-Oh, yes.

I wonder what the Colonel will say on yours when he gets to hear about all this.

Wilson, you're doing it with both hands now.

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