The Face on the Poster Dad's Army


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The Face on the Poster

Classic wartime sitcom. Mainwaring starts an advertising campaign to increase recruiting but Wilson mixes up the photographs for the poster.


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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game

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# We are the boys who will make you think again

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# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

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# But he comes home each evening

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# And he's ready with his gun

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# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done? #

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-Ah, Wilson. Come in.

-Thank you.

-Sit down.

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-Still doing the paperwork, I see.

-Yes.

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This concerns you particularly.

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-I have to submit a confidential report on my sergeant.

-Really?

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To be fair to you, I've copied out what I've written.

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-We'll go through it together. I'm not underhand.

-I'm sure you're not.

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Right! Conduct - good.

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Thank you, sir.

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This is your military conduct, not your private life.

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Oh, I see.

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Next, appearance...

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Now...

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-I had a lot of difficulty over this.

-Why?

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I've known you for a good many years.

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I suppose you're almost a friend.

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As your commanding officer I must be fair and impartial.

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-You can see what I've written.

-Ah, yes... "Could do better."

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-How could I do better?

-Look at you.

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-Untidy hair...collar and cuffs undone.

-It's more comfortable.

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I always do them up when somebody comes.

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It's not altogether that.

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Your general bearing is slack. You don't even stand like a soldier.

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Really? I had no idea.

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It's quite true. You're frequently to be seen standing like that.

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It's all very well to laugh.

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A couple of inches more, and you could be a nancy boy.

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You should stand like that.

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I'm sorry if you don't think I'm smart. I don't want to upset you.

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You're not upsetting me, Wilson.

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We are supposed to be soldiers and there's a war on.

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I suppose I'd forgotten.

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What's next?

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"Parade ground manner - room for improvement."

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I'm glad you find that funny.

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I'm sorry, but this reads like a headmaster's end of term report.

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I wouldn't know. We didn't have public school nonsense at my school.

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If you didn't pay attention, you got a clip over the ear.

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"General alertness - could do better."

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I think I should take this seriously, Wilson.

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It could affect your Home Guard career.

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I'm terribly sorry, sir, I'll try not...

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..I'll try not to laugh again.

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I've tried to let you down lightly.

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I should have put "dozy" under "General alertness".

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-Dozy?

-Yes, dozy.

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You walk about in a dream.

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A-ha!

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Are you all right?

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You see? You took no notice.

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I could have been a Nazi, attempting to cut your throat.

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But you're not, you're you. And waving a paper thing about.

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Well, I think you're throwing away great opportunities.

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Between you and me, there are big changes about.

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Our little band could develop into something three times the size.

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These three pips may become a crown.

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What? You?

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You, a major?

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Oh yes, indeed. I intend to turn this platoon into a company.

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You would be first in line for company sergeant major.

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But where are the extra men coming from?

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-I

-intend to take time by the forelock...

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In the words of the great CB Cochran,

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"Early to bed, early to rise, no jolly good if you don't advertise."

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I'm going to start a recruiting campaign.

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KNOCK KNOCK!

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Come in.

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Permission to speak, sir.

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It's falling in time, sir.

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Half are in the hall, and half in the yard.

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Do you want the men in the yard in the hall or the other way round?

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In the hall.

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Thank you, sir.

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All those in the hall, fall in the hall.

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Shan't be a minute, sir.

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All those in the yard, fall in the hall.

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Right, sir. All the men in the hall and in the yard are obeying the orders at the double, sir.

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Where's Mr Jones?

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We have to fall in the hall.

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There's no need to go through here.

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-Do as he says and fall in the other way.

-Fall in.

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This way.

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They're falling in the other way.

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So, that's our target...

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to treble our strength.

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And in addition to those people we know personally,

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who we will try and persuade to join us,

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I think a poster display would be a good thing.

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We ought to have one like General Kitchener,

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"The Home Guard needs you!"

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How remarkable!

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I was thinking along those lines.

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I don't have any pictures of myself like that, but I can have them taken.

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Hold on! Hold on! It shouldn't be an officer's picture.

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-Why?

-It's not officers we need, it's men.

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Yeah! We ought to have a picture of Uncle Arthur.

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-I wouldn't want that.

-I quite agree.

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-Sorry, sir.

-Mum says he's good looking.

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My sister Dolly says, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

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There's no need to be rude, Godfrey.

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We should do it in confidence. We should vote in a secret BALLET.

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-Whoever wins can be on the poster.

-That's a good idea.

-Is it?

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We'll need a photo and I happen to know a fine, cheap photographer.

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Good! Lay that on, Frazer.

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Wilson, organise a secret ballet... ballot!

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All the votes have been counted.

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I will now ask Mr Yeatman to hand me the result.

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Hand me the result, Mr Yeatman.

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There it is. Captain Mainwaring has one.

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-Congratulations, sir.

-Very gratifying.

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Just a minute! I'm announcing these results in the reverse order.

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Captain Mainwaring has ONE vote.

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I thought we agreed not to vote for ourselves.

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I voted for Captain Mainwaring.

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Thank you, Godfrey.

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Crawler.

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Private Pike has two votes.

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-Thank you.

-All right.

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Sergeant Wilson has four. Well done.

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Lance Corporal Jones has ten votes. APPLAUSE

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He's the winner.

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I had managed to work that out for myself. Jones is the winner.

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Thank you very much.

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Congratulations.

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It's been a fair fight and I'm satisfied with the result.

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What time do we come round for the sausages?

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-Hello, Frank. Has Jonesy come round to have his picture taken?

-Not yet.

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-But the photographer's here.

-Good.

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-I think you ought to look.

-Why?

-It's not very modern.

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Where do you want this, Mr Frazer?

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What is it?

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It's my sister Dolly's aspidistra.

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That's where he's having his photo taken. He'll look like my grandad.

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Where's the photographer?

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I'm under here.

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Good afternoon.

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Mr Bluett, I didn't know you did this sort of thing.

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Oh, yes, I had the concession on the promenade for years.

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I used to say, "Hold still, my jolly holidaymakers!"

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Then I'd dip into the tank and hand it to them all wet.

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It didn't fade until they got home.

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Isn't the backing just a bit old-fashioned?

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It'll fit Jonesy's face.

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I like it. I think it's very refined and well-meaning.

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I hate those copper-plated things.

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Where do I stand?

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Over there.

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-Mr Mainwaring will blame you.

-It's nothing to do with us.

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I'll put on serious expression, like this.

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You'll have to keep still for six seconds.

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Six seconds? I can't keep still for six seconds.

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I don't blame you. I don't think I could myself.

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Can't you use a flash?

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I can't get the bulbs.

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What about flash powder?

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I tried that once, at a wedding.

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The picture had a lovely quality...

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but the hall burnt down.

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I'd like to try this. I can hold this for six seconds.

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All right, Jonesy, take a deep breath and keep still.

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One...two...three... four...five...

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What a pity.

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Never mind. We'll have another one.

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Is there an extra charge?

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No.

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Do you think I should have one with my spectacles off?

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Kitchener didn't wear them for his photo.

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Come to think of it, he didn't wear spectacles at all.

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Mr Mainwaring won't like it.

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Keep quiet. Try it without the spectacles, Jonesy.

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-How's that?

-Fine, as long as you hold still.

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-Deep breath.

-One...two...

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FLY BUZZES

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We can't have that.

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His eyeballs will look like fuzzy prunes.

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- No extra charge? - This is the last one.

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Did you hear that? Hold still, you silly old fool.

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Don't speak to me like that. I'm a Lance Corporal.

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I could have you on a fizzer.

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Sit down, shut up and hold yourself still.

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I'm ready. Go.

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One...two...three...four...

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Squad, 'shun.

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You're making a monkey out of me.

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-What's going on?

-We're getting the photo ready.

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-Who's the photographer?

-It's me, Mr Mainwaring.

-Hello, Mr Bluett.

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He does it very cheaply.

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It's very artistic. Come and have a look.

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Ooh-ooh, Mr Mainwaring!

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I'm sorry. That's not what we want. It looks ridiculous.

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-I told you.

-Quiet!

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Would it be better with my hat?

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It's not your fault, Jones. Wilson has the wrong conception.

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It wasn't my conception. I did this sketch in the office.

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This is what I had in mind.

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"You..." Then a picture of Jones. "..need a new hat."

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Then a picture of a Home Guard hat.

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And underneath, "The Home Guard needs you today."

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That's a very good idea. We don't need all this.

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-All we need is Jones's head.

-I'll do that. Come here, Mr Jones.

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Go in closer. We only need Jones's face.

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How's that?

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That sheet came off my bed.

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Stitch it up.

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-Do you want my glasses on or off?

-Er...on, I think, Corporal.

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The trouble is, he can't keep still.

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-I can keep as still as you.

-I don't have to keep still, do I?

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I promise to keep still this time.

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Put your expression on. Go!

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One...two...

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..three...four...five...six.

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-I kept still.

-Well done.

-That was a good one.

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It wasn't. You didn't put the plate in.

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One more for luck.

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I can't take any more printing orders for weddings.

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I'm only taking war work.

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Fred, get your sandwiches off that machine. You'll have raspberry jam all over the type.

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It's slowing down again.

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So it is. Wait a minute.

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You can't get the spare parts.

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Where was I?

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It's this escaped prisoner of war poster.

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Let's have a look.

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How many do you want?

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About 50.

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Bung it in the basket, will you?

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Is it OK there? Yes.

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Ready the day after tomorrow.

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PHONE RINGS

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Hello?

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No, I'm sorry. I'm only taking war work. I can't do visiting cards.

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Then you'll have to tell them who you are.

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Fred, Fred, come on. The big 'un. It's running dry.

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Oh, it never stops.

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LOUD BANGING

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I think we spoke on the phone.

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You're the one with the posh voice.

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What can I do for you?

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-This is the rough idea.

-"You need a new hat..."

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I can't take hat adverts. I'm only doing war.

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This is a war hat. It's the Home Guard.

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Home Guard? I suppose Home Guard counts as war.

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That's the picture.

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Oh dear, oh dear.

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I can't do many for you. You can't get ink.

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-Can't you?

-No, nor the paper.

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It must make life difficult if you happen to be a printer.

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It's absolute murder.

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How about if I give you 50 the day after tomorrow?

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That would be fine. Where shall I leave them?

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-Just put them in the in-tray.

-Thank you so much. That's very kind.

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-KNOCKING

-Come in.

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The printers have sent a sample of the poster.

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-Good! Good! That was a very ingenious design, Wilson.

-Thank you.

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-It's not a very good likeness.

-It's not Jonesy.

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Can't I trust you to do anything?

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I don't know what you mean by "the wrong picture".

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Hang on. Fred!

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Where's that Home Guard poster? Here.

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There you are. What about that?

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That's the prisoner of war. The other one!

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Here we are.

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Fred, you've mixed them up.

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Hello...there's no need to worry.

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-We'll let you have the right one.

-Thank you very much.

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Tear the lot up.

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I can't. The bill poster has them.

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-What have you got there?

-Six eggs.

-Can I have one?

-No.

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I'm taking them to Mrs Prosser.

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I look after her sometimes.

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It won't come to anything - she's 83.

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She's meeting me here so get along.

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They're giving away free polish.

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That's Free Polish.

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This is a club for Free Polish soldiers.

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-Can I wait with you?

-No, you cut along.

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Give me an egg then.

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All right.

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"Escaped prisoner of war. This man is dangerous."

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Ugly looking swine!

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Don't panic!

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Stop or I fire. GUNSHOT

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If you had been a prisoner in my camp, you would not have escaped so easily.

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Now...who are you?

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I keep telling you. I'm Jack Jones.

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Lie! Lie! Lie!

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It's the truth. I'm a butcher.

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Lies! Lies! Lies!

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You're making a mess of your desk.

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That's mahogany. You're not taking care of it, are you?

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Silence!

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I shall ask the same question in a different way.

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-Who is that?

-It's me.

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-So you admit it.

-I'm Jack Jones.

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Listen, my friend, you try to be funny with me

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and it's going to be very bad for you.

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May I speak to my solicitor by phone?

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Silence!

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You're not supposed to talk to me like that. I'm secretary of the Darby and Joan Club.

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Where did you get that moustache?

0:24:010:24:04

That's my moustache. I've had that ever so long.

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Concealed in your bunk, eh? It's false. Admit it.

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Captain Mainwaring will have you on a fizzer.

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PHONE RINGS

0:24:200:24:23

Hello...? Ah, Major, thank you for ringing back.

0:24:230:24:27

I have your escaped prisoner-of-war.

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Yes...

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Please pick him up quickly.

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I don't want him to teach my prisoners bad habits.

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What...? Not till Wednesday week.

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Very well.

0:24:410:24:44

I shall keep him here and we shall make him very welcome.

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Put him in the compound with the others.

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I can't wait to see Mainwaring's face when he clamps eyes on this.

0:24:550:24:59

Here, Napoleon, have you seen that?

0:25:020:25:06

-Wilson, you've mixed the photos up.

-It's nothing to do with me.

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Can't you do anything right?

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Excuse me. I don't know if you're interested,

0:25:150:25:20

but I've just seen Mr Jones being driven off by Polish soldiers.

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I expect you know all about it.

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Cor blimey, that's good.

0:25:320:25:35

Those Poles run a prisoner-of-war camp.

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-We'll get him out.

-By tunnel?

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-We'll drive in Jones's van.

-Hold on. Jones has the key.

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I'll drive you. I wouldn't miss this for the world.

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I'm not supposed to be here. It's all a mistake.

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They won't listen to you, them Poles.

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Whoa! Mr Mainwaring!

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Mr Mainwaring.

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Oo-ooo! I'm over here.

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I'm over here.

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They won't let me out.

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-These here won't speak to me and he won't listen.

-Don't worry.

0:26:420:26:48

We'll have you out in a jiffy.

0:26:480:26:52

Hey, you! Get your commanding officer and look sharp.

0:26:520:26:56

-It might pay to be tactful.

-Damned impertinence.

0:26:590:27:03

-I'll put him in his place.

-You tell him.

0:27:030:27:07

Put that gun down and listen to me.

0:27:070:27:10

I think it would be good not to beat about the bushes.

0:27:180:27:22

Captain Mainwaring doesn't like that sort of thing.

0:27:220:27:27

Don't apologise. He's in the wrong.

0:27:270:27:30

No! YOU are. You have no papers.

0:27:300:27:32

-We're sorry about that.

-No, we're not. Wilson...!

0:27:320:27:36

I don't need papers. I'm British. I'm known to everyone in the area.

0:27:400:27:46

-I do not know you.

-I must phone my commanding officer.

0:27:460:27:49

When he hears about this, your feet won't touch the ground.

0:27:490:27:53

-You won't have to phone anybody.

-That's better.

0:27:530:27:57

You see, as soon as you call their bluff, they climb down.

0:27:570:28:02

I demand the release of my colleague.

0:28:030:28:06

Ah! So that man is your colleague. That's very interesting.

0:28:060:28:11

You're a fine man, Captain Mainwaring.

0:28:210:28:25

I've always said you'd stand by your comrades, and you have.

0:28:250:28:30

That wasn't gallantry...

0:28:300:28:32

it was sheer stupidity.

0:28:320:28:35

Do you think my mum will be allowed to send me a Red Cross parcel?

0:28:350:28:40

Go away, Pike.

0:28:400:28:42

What time will they serve dinner?

0:28:420:28:45

It'll be fatty soup. They always serve fatty soup.

0:28:450:28:49

-I can't stand fatty soup!

-Don't lose control.

0:28:490:28:54

What do you find so funny, Wilson?

0:28:560:28:58

-I just thought...do officers have confidential reports?

-Oh, yes.

0:28:580:29:03

I wonder what the Colonel will say on yours when he gets to hear about all this.

0:29:030:29:08

Wilson, you're doing it with both hands now.

0:29:080:29:13

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:29:390:29:44

Classic wartime sitcom. Mainwaring starts an advertising campaign to increase recruiting, but Wilson mixes up the photographs for the poster.