Episode 4 Dead Boss


Episode 4

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Transcript


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-I now sentence you to 12 years.

-LAWYER:

-Objection!

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I'm taking away the Nespresso machine.

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-Helen!

-You could help me find Justin.

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Can I give her this verse card?

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You were my supply teacher at senior school.

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Too little,

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too late.

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We won the lottery! Ye-e-s!

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Don't you tell anyone about this.

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ALL: Shhh!

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-You can't represent me against my will.

-Yes, I bloody can.

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I'm Justin.

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What are you doing in my flat?

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Mashta Fembuick... Well, this changes everything.

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Bingo!

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INMATES CHATTER

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"Dear Maurice, thank you for your postcard.

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"In answer to your query - I did experiment with that as a teenager,

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"although I soon realised - lady's top half, fine,

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"bottom half - no-o-o, thank yooo. But never say never!

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"I've been in Broadmarsh eight weeks now,

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"though it feels like yesterday I was trying on wedding dresses

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"and deciding on our first dance -

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"anything by Daniel Bedingfield - not Gotta Get Thru This.

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"My lawyer, Tony, has been about as useful to me

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"as a dandelion tincture in the face of cancer,

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"so I'm afraid, at the moment, we're on non speakers.

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"Can't help thinking, I should forget lawyers

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"and handle my case myself.

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"I'm sure you'd give me the same advice, although as you say,

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"it's different for you because you did actually kill all those people."

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Helen!

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SCREECHING

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I'm fine. I'm fine.

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"There's still no sign of my darling fiance, Justin.

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"Aside from the fact that I need my alibi,

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"I'm worried he's changed his mind about the wedding.

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"But I need to be positive.

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"Maybe he's had a terrible accident and is in a coma somewhere."

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-Was the sofa OK to sleep on?

-Yeah.

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Sorry you couldn't sleep in your bed, Helen's bed.

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Would have been a bit weird.

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-With me in there.

-Where are you going?

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Oh, I'm off to see Helen. She requested a visit.

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I should tell her you're back. When are you going in?

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I think I might leave it a couple more days.

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I'm still getting over my jet lag.

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You can get jet lag from the Eurostar?

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Well, it's certainly taken it out of me.

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I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention anything about me...

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..you know, being...

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alive.

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I need a bit more time.

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These last few months have been

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an emotional roller coaster.

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Maybe I need to unlock here,

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before I can...

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..unlock her.

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-I need your help.

-I'm very well, thanks for asking. How are you?

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Oh, God, just... Shhh!

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OK?

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I'm thinking about representing myself now.

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What? What's Tony going to do? He needs this job, Helen.

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This is about me, not Tony.

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It's always about you, that's the problem.

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If you weren't so selfish, maybe you wouldn't be in prison.

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Shut up! I'm selfish?

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You've visited me once in the last eight weeks.

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I was waiting in for a parcel from Eye Secrets.

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Oh, it's not about that, OK?

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I need your help because I'm thinking about teaching myself law.

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You know, Like Erin Brockovich or the Lorenzo's Oil guys.

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Really? No offence, Helen,

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but I used to copy your old homework

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until I realised I got better grades if I didn't hand anything in.

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I've always thought I'd make a fantastic lawyer, though.

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Good, because I need you to assist me. You'd have more access to books

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and together, we could get me out of here.

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Listen Helen, I'd love to, but I've got a very busy life.

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I'm out two to three nights a week.

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That's a shame.

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It's just...I thought it might make a good story

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if we ever felt like selling the film rights.

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What film rights?

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The Hollywood film deal.

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Think about it.

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They're crying out for a story like this - two sisters,

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separated by prison,

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one of them in for a crime she didn't commit.

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-Younger sister played by...

-Beyonce?

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I don't know if that would work, because I was thinking

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-Jennifer Aniston could play me.

-Or Whoopi Goldberg.

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Anyway, younger sister learns law to a top level,

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gets older sister out. It's got everything.

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Yeah, I suppose it does.

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What, I'd just have to learn some law?

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Yeah!

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-BELL RINGS

-You'd have to get your skates on because my appeal's looming.

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I think representing myself could really work.

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No-one gives more of a shit about me than me.

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Is that my cardigan?

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I'm actually quite excited about this.

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I once had a try-out for the school debating team.

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Didn't get in, but, you know,

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it shows the seeds were sown.

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Wow. When you do get out of here,

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and I get out of here and you get married to Justin,

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can I be your maid of honour?

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I don't know, Christine...

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I've got loads of funny stories for the speech,

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like the time you were given a cavity search,

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and accidentally called the warden Mum.

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Wow!

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That's a lorra, lorra law.

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What the hell?

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Where's all the books?

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Found one!

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Mornin' ladies, yeah?

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Having fun with the books, yawn.

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-Can we help you with something?

-It's the first of the month.

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-You know what that means?

-White rabbits!

-Shut up.

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It means payday.

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Top Dog wants four fags, from everyone.

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You do this, Christine?

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I've got mine on direct debit, so I don't have to worry about it.

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Well, I haven't smoked since my first Holy Communion,

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so you'll have to get your snouts elsewhere.

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Right. Well, I think Top Dog will find other ways to make you pay.

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Like with biscuits.

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I'll leave you with this to think about.

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Margaret, I think I know what this is about,

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and first of all, she's a lying skank,

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and what's more, I was just patting her there because she looked upset.

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CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND

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Take your top off, Frank.

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OK.

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-What?

-Off.

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Now. Get it off.

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And the vest.

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FRANK PANTS NERVOUSLY

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-I want you...

-Yeah...

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..here, midday tomorrow.

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Eh?

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I'm going to paint you. Frank.

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-Like a model?

-Yes, like a model.

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Ha. I'm a bloody model!

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And Frank...

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Yes, ma'am?

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It wasn't a pat, it was a squeeze.

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You're on six weeks library duty for touching up the prison chaplain.

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Get out.

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All right, yeah.

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Hello, Entirely Tiles, can I put you on hold?

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Hello, Entirely Tiles, can I put you on hold?

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SHE BURPS

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-Hello, Entirely Tiles, can I put you on hold?

-SHE MOUTHS:

-"Sorry."

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Hello, Entirely Tiles, can I put you on hold?

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Hello, Entirely Tiles...

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Friday,

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11.24, Entirely Tiles offices.

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Tony Norman is continuing with his...my endeavours,

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despite the client's protestations.

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This is my chance to show Helen Stephens

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I am the right man for the job.

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Hello, Entirely Tiles, can I put you on hold?

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VACUUM WHIRRS

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I appear to be in some sort of storeroom.

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At first inspection, seems normal enough -

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catalogues, ring binders,

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dividers,

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four-colour biros

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paper - A3 and A4,

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oh, prickly thimbles...

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various colours.

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Nothing untoward.

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I think I'll just lay low in here for a bit,

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and then

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resume my investigation when the coast is clear.

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CLATTERING

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TOP DOG SNIFFS

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This one's menthol.

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Who smokes menthol, for flop's sake?

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We thought you'd like it as a pudding fag.

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Oh yeah, like an after fag, fag.

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-It's the last straw.

-That was Fatty's fault.

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I don't give a pilchard's turd whose fault it is.

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You can't even run

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a basic fag extortion payment scheme!

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It's not good enough.

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I'm sick of you.

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I'm going to get a new posse.

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You're fired.

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And I'm taking back your nicknames.

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-What?

-You 'eard.

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Clare.

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Imogen.

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Claire with an I.

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Sarah.

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-Sorry, I've forgotten your name.

-Clare.

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Clare!

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DOG BARKS

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Ssh, Piccalilli. I'm trying to nail my sister's case.

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DOG GROWLS

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I'm not going to think about anything other than this case.

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I'm literally 1,000% the law right now. I'm like Robocop.

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I need to focus on justice.

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What are you looking at?

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We need a new boss.

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You've got to be shitting me.

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Listen to me, we need to move fast.

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Without a leader, we're just a violent friendship circle.

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We need a proper psycho.

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She might say she didn't do it but they all say that -

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she's definitely a killer.

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Mary. We need to talk... Argh!

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Erm, you've got a little bit of...

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What do you want?

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I just saw Helen Stephens' lawyer snooping around.

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Have you told anyone about the missing money?

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No. I haven't.

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The only people who know about that money are you and a dead man.

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And now me. You, me and a dead man.

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Why is he here then, eh? Seems a weird coincidence.

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I don't know. Maybe it's got something to do with that murdering bitch

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who killed our boss in this very office for no reason.

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Oh, my God. That's why she killed him, Stephens knew about the money.

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Take that back! Helen didn't kill anyone.

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How can you be so sure?

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Because when you've looked into Helen's eyes as deeply as I have,

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you can see right through to her frontal lobe.

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And that frontal lobe wouldn't hurt a fly.

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Well, what about Mrs Bridges?

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Call it women's intuition, but that bitch is all over this.

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Did you just let off?

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I most certainly did not.

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Listen to me. We need to move fast.

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You need to go into the prison and find out

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whether that slag Helen knows anything about the money.

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Call it women's intuition, but that bitch is all over this.

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-You just said that about Mrs Bridges.

-What can I say? I've got a very sensitive bitch-dar.

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OK. But when we go back out there,

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we just need to act like everything's normal.

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The last thing we need is Mrs Bridges getting wind of any of this.

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My office. Now.

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Do you actually know anything about the law?

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Yeah. Well, I've read all the John Grisham novels.

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But I want to be all over the legalese - go in there and really dazzle them.

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I'm going to read every word of this pamphlet, so there's nothing they can pull me up on.

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Do you want to see if you can find a legal precedent?

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I don't think so. No offence to me, but I'm borderline backward.

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I see myself as more of a "holding the ladder" type.

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Is she bothering you, boss?

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Why are you calling me boss?

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Because you're our boss now.

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No, I am not! What about Miss Grainger?

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Who?

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Top Dog. What about Top Dog?

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That's over. We're yours now.

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Well, I'm really flattered

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but I'm not looking to be anyone's leader right now.

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I'm just a humble law student

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looking to learn my way out of here,

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so unless any of you know anything about law...

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-Does anyone know anything about law?

-I used to be a barrister.

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-Really?

-Yeah, in Starbucks.

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Shut up. Sorry, Boss.

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Stop calling me boss. I'm not your boss.

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You have been chosen. Deal with it.

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Ever since I got 'ere, youse two 'ave been up to something.

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Whispering in your little corners, secret meetings in the cupboard.

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Either youse two are nobbin' each other,

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or there's something even nastier goin' on.

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We were planning this year's Secret Santa.

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-In frickin' March?

-Secret Easter bunny?

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Oh. Really?

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Well if you're so organised,

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how comes I ain't been asked to put in for the office lotto yet?

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Oh, yeah.

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I've been going through the book.

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I don't want miss out on all this good luck you've been having.

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£87 last year.

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That's a lot of moolah.

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Where'd you get that book from?

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From the third drawer down of your desk.

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That is your desk, innit, Mary?

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In fairness to Mary, the lottery's only just been resumed.

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Helen Stephens was in charge of it

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but since she's been banged up in chokey, it's sort of gone to pot.

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Mary's on it now.

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Well, I am glad to hear it.

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Anyone got change for a 50?

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Well, here's to a big win.

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May I say, Elaine, you're an inspiration to us.

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If you can move on from your Eric's untimely murder so quickly,

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then so can we.

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You're very brave. Some would say cold, but I say businesslike.

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Thank you, Henry. That'll be all.

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Oh, and Mary.

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I like a joke as much as the next person, but this is racially inappropriate.

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That bitch knows something.

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I know that bitch knows something!

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Sorry, sorry, Mary.

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Listen to me. This shit just got real.

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I'll find out what that tart Bridges is up to, you find out what

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that money-loving-cow Stephens really knows.

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How?

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Try looking into her frontal lobe a little bit deeper this time.

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-Now?

-No.

0:17:110:17:12

-Now?

-No.

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Now?

0:17:170:17:19

All right.

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-Now?

-Oh, for fu...

0:17:240:17:25

Right - everyone out. I'm shutting shop.

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No, we're entitled to another 40 minutes library time.

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Oh, I do apologise,

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I forgot this was the University of...like...

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you know, Swotty Boffins.

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Let me just check with the dean.

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He says piss the piss off.

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So, I don't think anyone believed you existed

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until Helen announced her engagement.

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You sure have been on a long stag do!

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It wasn't planned.

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I was out in Prague and I kinda had this epiphany at a U2 concert,

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and well, I just decided to follow them on tour.

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Well, you're not the first man to get cold feet

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and follow Bono round the world, and you certainly won't be the last.

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I'm not sure my incarcerated sister would understand, though.

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Yeah, I know, I'm going to sort it out.

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I just don't think now's the right time.

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Helen's only just settled into prison life.

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She doesn't need another big shock at the moment.

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I'll go and see her soon. Promise.

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Here you are. Try this?

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What is that?

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Tomato cup-a-soup and Lea and Perrins sauce.

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Mmm.

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Shit.

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I work well individually and as part of a team,

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I'd really like to learn more about bullying and general scaremongering,

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and I think I'd bring a lot to the overarching threat of this group.

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Very good.

0:19:300:19:32

And have you any experience of being in a gang?

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Yes, I spent three years in a fairly judgmental book group?

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How about combat? Karate, jujitsu, boxing?

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I'm pretty good at Zumba.

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Good luck.

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Thought we'd find you here.

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We sorted out that skank Bella what was looking at you funny.

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Bella? She's blind.

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A thank you would be nice.

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I'm not thanking you for beating up a blind woman.

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We don't just beat up blind people willy-nilly where I come from.

0:20:290:20:35

I will not have this violence in my name. I won't have it.

0:20:350:20:39

Will I not give her this then?

0:20:390:20:42

-What, is the library closed?

-Yeah.

0:20:420:20:44

-Do you want us to open it for you?

-No, It's fine.

-It's easy.

0:20:440:20:47

-Seriously just leave it.

-You just...

0:20:470:20:50

What are you doing? Don't do that!

0:20:500:20:52

What were we just saying about not having violence in my...

0:20:520:20:54

Oh, nice one.

0:20:540:20:56

Ooh. Sorry boss.

0:20:580:21:01

Just a bit higher? Up like that? Is that better?

0:21:030:21:07

Yeah.

0:21:070:21:09

Margaret, how could you? With him!

0:21:100:21:14

Do you know how many times I've pictured us making love on your chaise longue?

0:21:140:21:19

And then I walk in and find you with him!

0:21:190:21:24

What kind of sick role-play is this?

0:21:240:21:29

I'm painting "Poseidon's Return" and Frank is modelling for me.

0:21:290:21:34

-Up a bit, Frank.

-Like that, yeah?

0:21:400:21:43

KNOCKING

0:21:430:21:45

Enter.

0:21:450:21:46

WOMAN HICCUPS

0:21:480:21:49

Chitara, can you not? What do you want?

0:21:490:21:54

Um, I just wondered if I could have a word?

0:21:540:21:57

Speak.

0:21:570:21:58

In private?

0:21:580:22:00

Double clap means leave, yeah? You bunch of whippet's shit-holes.

0:22:030:22:09

-They seem nice.

-What's it to you?

0:22:110:22:13

Nothing! Just you look naturally good with a posse.

0:22:130:22:17

And?

0:22:170:22:19

It's just a shame you had to get rid of the old ones.

0:22:190:22:22

You and your old crew had a certain horrible je ne sais quoi.

0:22:220:22:27

So you did learn something in my French class

0:22:270:22:30

when you weren't putting excrement in my Radley handbag.

0:22:300:22:33

Yeah, well, since leaving school,

0:22:340:22:37

I've owned a mid-range handbag myself and I realise now that

0:22:370:22:40

that kind of thing is actually really not that funny.

0:22:400:22:42

Shut up. Why are you 'ere?

0:22:420:22:44

Well, just... Lenny's been asking for you. She really misses you.

0:22:440:22:51

They all do.

0:22:510:22:52

Well, I've moved on. That's over.

0:22:520:22:54

I've got a new posse now so get out.

0:22:540:22:57

OK, just, very quickly wanted to say the girls would love to see you...

0:22:590:23:03

I'm going to kill you in a moment.

0:23:030:23:05

Don't do that! A bientot.

0:23:050:23:08

She was holding her breath to stop the hiccups. She passed out.

0:23:110:23:15

Stephens.

0:23:150:23:17

Tell Lenny I'll see her.

0:23:180:23:20

Day two. So thirsty.

0:23:250:23:29

I've finished the last of the Blu-Tack.

0:23:290:23:32

It's not that disgusting if you imagine it as a spring roll.

0:23:320:23:36

Things aren't looking good.

0:23:370:23:39

If I don't make it out of here alive,

0:23:390:23:42

I'd like my ex-wife, Rita, to have my TV and cafetiere

0:23:420:23:46

and to my stepson, I leave my collection of Carole King LPs.

0:23:460:23:50

And to my client, Helen Stephens, I'd like to leave this message.

0:23:520:23:57

Don't trust anyone from your office.

0:23:570:24:01

So, I've been thinking, well, Fatty's been thinking...

0:24:070:24:10

and she don't know if this, us, is going anywhere.

0:24:100:24:14

So, you know, Fatty thinks we should call it a day.

0:24:140:24:17

It's not you...it's Fatty.

0:24:170:24:22

Fine. Well, good luck with everything.

0:24:220:24:24

Is that all you can say?

0:24:240:24:27

Erm...I don't like you?

0:24:270:24:29

You cold-hearted bitch.

0:24:300:24:32

OK.

0:24:330:24:35

My God, I can't believe I wasted the best days

0:24:350:24:39

of my week following you around.

0:24:390:24:41

Come on, Fatty. Top Dog needs her ears syringing.

0:24:430:24:48

You're looking bonny, Helen. Have you gained a little weight?

0:25:050:25:09

You try eating nothing but carbonara for two months.

0:25:110:25:14

No, it's just nice to see a bit more of you, that's all.

0:25:140:25:17

I got an e-mail from Laura saying that you're representing yourself now.

0:25:170:25:21

Wow. Body and brains! How's that going?

0:25:230:25:26

Good. I mean, it's not going great, but in a good way.

0:25:260:25:31

-So you haven't told your lawyer anything that you haven't told me?

-No.

0:25:310:25:35

As far as I'm concerned, Tony Norman and I are on non-speakers.

0:25:350:25:38

Good.

0:25:380:25:40

It's just I'm supposed to be your man on the inside,

0:25:400:25:43

looking for clues and whatnot, and we don't want your lawyer

0:25:430:25:46

trampling all over all the good work we've started.

0:25:460:25:49

All the progress we've made.

0:25:490:25:52

Really? What progress have we made finding Justin?

0:25:520:25:55

Can I suggest, Helen, close friend to close friend,

0:25:550:25:58

that you let this Justin dream, alibi, excuse,

0:25:580:26:02

whatever you want to call it, just let it go.

0:26:020:26:05

You need someone reliable, you need a Vauxhall Astra not some flash Golf GTI.

0:26:050:26:13

Which, let's face it, is quite expensive to insure.

0:26:130:26:19

Yeah. I'll bear that in mind.

0:26:200:26:23

Thanks, Henry, for whatever it is you're doing.

0:26:230:26:27

I'll talk to Tony, find out what he's been up to.

0:26:270:26:31

BELL RINGS

0:26:310:26:32

Sounds like a plan, Stan!

0:26:320:26:35

Have a great weekend.

0:26:370:26:38

C'mere you.

0:26:400:26:41

Henry, you forgot your...

0:26:480:26:50

'Toadpole TS, Manchasteton, IE.'

0:26:540:27:00

"Dear Maurice, thank you for your latest drawing.

0:27:000:27:04

"I've never imagined myself as half woman half prawn,

0:27:040:27:07

"but it was actually quite a good likeness!

0:27:070:27:09

"I've realised representing myself isn't going to be as easy as I first thought,

0:27:090:27:13

"especially now that Lenny and the posse have beaten up every law book in the library.

0:27:130:27:17

"And to make matters worse, my sister Laura has also downed tools

0:27:170:27:20

"after receiving a very curt e-mail from Halle Berry's agent.

0:27:200:27:24

"Maybe I was wrong to give up on Tony.

0:27:240:27:27

"Right now I need all the allies I can get."

0:27:270:27:30

BANGING

0:27:590:28:00

Either you're taking this secret Easter bunny lark a bit too seriously, Mary,

0:28:280:28:33

or you need to tell me exactly what is going on.

0:28:330:28:37

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