Episode 5 Dead Boss


Episode 5

Comedy murder mystery series. Governor Margaret announces the annual prison choir competition. Helen is certain to be made lead vocalist until the surprise appearance of Virna.


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Transcript


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I now sentence you to 12 years.

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-Objection!

-Wh...

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-I didn't kill Eric Bridges, I...

-SHE SLAPS HER FACE

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What about Justin? He wouldn't just leave me here to rot.

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I need to unlock here before I can unlock her.

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Call it women's intuition, but that bitch is all over this.

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-Oh, nice one.

-Yes!

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You need to tell me exactly what is going on.

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'Dear Maurice, thank you for your postcard. In answer to your query,

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'yes, I have seen Last Tango In Paris

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'but not recently enough to recall that particular scene

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'you described in such vivid, vivid detail.

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'So what news? My lawyer Tony is now back on the case

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'and I'm all for second chances, except with epilators.

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'What a waste of 30 quid.

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'He seems to believe he's made a breakthrough.'

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What money? I don't know anything about any money.

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-Well, your colleagues will beg to differ.

-Which colleagues? Who?

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I couldn't see their faces but one of them seemed to be suggesting

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you were a "lying slag".

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Tony! My reputation at work was second-to-none.

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Everyone respected me.

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There is not one person in there who thought anything other...

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I bet it was Mary. Or Claire.

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Well, the lawyer instinct in me is strong.

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-Could have been Sjilla.

-And it tells me there's something fishy happening in there.

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Well, what about Henry? We could get him to find out what's going on.

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No, we can't trust anybody!

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Except maybe family.

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Let's get Laura back in that office.

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Working from the inside.

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PHONE RINGS

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'Henry, if you're not standing in front of my desk in five seconds,

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'I will be using your arsehole as a pencil sharpener

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'or your cock as a hole-punch. Your choice.'

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KNOCK ON DOOR

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Yes.

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I caught this shady bitch snooping around the office last night.

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And she ain't saying diddly squat so you better tell me what's going on.

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Mary, what were you doing snooping around the office last night?

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As I told Mrs Bridges 72 times, I was doing some research

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for Secret Santa's bunny.

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-HE LAUGHS

-Well, that explains everything. Right, if that's all,

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I've got an order of cappuccino marble tiles to get off, so...

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Of course.

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Hello, is that the police?

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Yeah, I'd like to report a break-in. Oh, yeah, I did.

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I got a really good look at her. Yeah. 5'2". Very late 40s.

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Shifty-looking rat eyes. Virgin.

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Looks like one of them witches out of that kid's book The Witches.

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Oh, hang on, I'll just ask her.

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What were you doing breaking in to the office, Mary?

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I think we should talk.

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-I'm still connected, Henry.

-Cheeseballs!

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HE REPEATEDLY TAPS DISCONNECT BUTTON

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Well, it's that time of year again, officers.

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The annual prison choir sing-off.

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This year we've been drawn against HMP Woolley Grange Prison.

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They have a reputation for choral excellence

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and reforming some of the most disgusting nonces

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and bum ticklers in the country.

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Which means we are going to have to up our game.

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Can't have a repeat of last year, can we, Frank?

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Oh, come on. Everyone loves nine fat girls on a see-saw.

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So, Tim, I'd like you to conduct the choir this year.

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You're pulling my dong.

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Wow!

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-HE GASPS

-I was not expecting this.

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Oh, ma'am, I'd be honoured. I will not let you down.

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I would like, with your permission, to refer to the choir

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as the glee club.

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You can call it what you like. I don't give a monkey's armpit,

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as long as you bring home the silver.

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Have you got what it takes to sing for your prison against HMP Woolley Grange?!

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Ooh! Woolley Grange boys! Nigel! Who's got a pen? Who's got a pen?!

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THEY ALL YELL

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Give me the pen!

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I'm telling you, Helen, this is our moment.

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It's like Martine McCutcheon said...

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Yeah, well, Martine McCutcheon was also knocked down and killed

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in a Christmas special so...you know.

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She's not exactly one to talk.

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Oh, but the Woolley Grange boys are coming!

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-Nigel's back this year. Oh. My. God.

-Stop!

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I need to focus on getting out of here, OK.

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Not some stupid, silly singing competition.

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I'm stuck in prison for a crime I didn't commit.

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There is no music in my world.

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But it's singing, Helen! It's singing.

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Who doesn't enjoy a good sing-song?

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This girl.

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Her performing days are over.

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Sure, she used to sing.

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She was once compared to a young Michael Ball.

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But she's done with that razzmatazz. And she's never...

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Never, never going baaaaaacccck!

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-Are you about to burst into song?

-No!

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Look, good luck with it all, Christine, but singing's not for me.

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Me, me, me, me, me...

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-I-I-I-I...

-Oh, come on.

-Honestly, I've no idea.

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So, you're re-capping to me that my late husband stole nearly

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£1 million from the lotto winnings and now he's dead,

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the money's gone and you have no idea where it is?

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It's true!

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Well, how about this for a bit of brainwork,

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the woman who's behind bars for killing my husband,

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who ran the bloody lotto, might know a little summink about it,

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don't you think?

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Yes! That's what I said! That bitch's paws are all over this.

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So...sorry, just to re-recap,

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are you saying you're not going to call the police?

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What I'm saying is, if you should find the money,

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I want half of it!

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When you say half, do you mean half of half, because we've already halved...

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I want a whole half.

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Anyway, I've got a little summink up my sleeve that might just find

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this cash quicker than you two festival turds have managed.

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I'm just gonna have to pick my moment.

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Yeah, no. I'm in the flat. I just...

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We need to talk about Piccalilli.

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I think he's pregnant.

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How can you sit there so calmly on the toilet?

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We can barely look after ourselves, how are we going to support a family of baby dogs?

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We'll be fine.

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Justin, in case you hadn't noticed, dog food doesn't grow on trees.

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And neither does pizza.

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Didn't you and Helen have a joint account or something?

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It's, ehhh...I've lost all the cards and stuff.

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Well, that's just another reason to go and see her, then.

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You have to tell her you're back.

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Trust me, OK? I've got a plan.

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Pizza, dogfood and magazines...?

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Oh, and some of those little sesame snap things.

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-OK. Wish me luck.

-Good luck.

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I got a bottle of Yop!

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THEY LAUGH EXCITEDLY

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Your name, please?

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When's Nigel getting here?

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Not until the big day. Er, what will you be singing for us?

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Dip It by G Child Sovereign Princess.

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OK.

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Five, six, seven, eight.

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# Dip your BLEEP in my motherfucking BLEEP BLEEP

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# Dip your BLEEP in my motherfucking BLEEP BLEEP

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# Dip it, dip it Lick it, lick it...#

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# Say you will, say you won't

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# Say you'll do what I don't

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# Say you're true, say to me

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# Ha, ha C'est la vie...#

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What are ya loike?

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# We'll meet again

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# Don't know where

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# Don't know when

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# But I know we'll meet again

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# Some sunny day... #

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ALARM SOUNDS

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# I need some stimulation, baby

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# A little conversation, maybe

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# You got me spinning 'round like crazy

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# So, so, so scandalous! #

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When's Nigel getting here?

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Are you here to audition, Stephens?

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No, no, I'm just here to support Christine.

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Well, maybe I will as I'm here.

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SHE TAP-DANCES

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I think this CV sings for itself.

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I was compared to a young Michael Ball.

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SHE TAP-DANCES

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PIANO MUSIC STARTS

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# Come a little bit closer, baby Get it on, get it on

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# Cos tonight is the night when two become one

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# I need some love like I never needed love before

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# Wanna make love to ya, baby

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# I had a little love, now I'm back for more

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# Wanna make love to ya, baby

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# Set your spirit free

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# It's the only way to be

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# Oooooooo, ohhhhhhh

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# Eeeeeeeeee! #

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THEY APPLAUD

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Helen, that audition is exactly why I do this job.

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It's 1,000,000% yes from me.

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THE CROWD APPLAUD

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A DOOR OPENS

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Is this the auditions?

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Yes, but I don't see any other name on the list.

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Virna. I'm new.

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Have you got a piece of music?

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I'll do it wi' nae music.

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-A cappella?

-Nah, I've already eaten.

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# I dreamed a dream in time gone by

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# When hope was high

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# And life worth living

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# I dreamed that love would never die

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# I dreamed that God would be forgiving

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THEY GIGGLE

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# I had a dream my life would be

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THEY BREATHE HEAVILY

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# So different from this hell I'm living

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# So different now from what it seemed

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THEY PANT

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# Now life has killed the dream

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# I dreamed. #

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SILENCE THEN WILD APPLAUSE

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Virna. I knew from the minute you walked out onto that stage

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we were going to hear something extraordinary

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and I was right.

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What a load of tosh.

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-You're a little tiger, aren't you?

-I don't know 'bout that.

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You are.

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MUSIC: "Rule The World"

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EVERYONE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

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THE MUSIC STOPS

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HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER

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Yes! Come on! Get in! You made the list too.

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THEY SCREAM

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Oh, my God!

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Tony? What are you doing here?

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Who's this?

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-This?

-This is... this is...

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I'm Laura's...

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-IN UNISON:

-Lodger.

-Lover.

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-Lodger.

-Love-ger?

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Pleased to meet you. Tony.

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Did you want something, Uncle Tony? It's just we're unpacking our spoils.

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Yes, I did. I need you to go to Entirely Tiles

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and get your job back.

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Helen needs someone working on the inside.

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That was quite the performance yesterday.

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Right enough. I was always on the karaoke

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down in ma dad's pub.

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Well, it's not a karaoke competition but, er,

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let's see who they choose to do lead vocals.

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We don't know what they're looking for, I suppose.

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Singers. They're looking for singers.

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Oh, I think they're after the whole package.

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You're probably right.

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Shit!

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OK, let's get this glee club started.

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Oh, what's a glee club?

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-It's like a choir.

-Why don't you just call it a choir, then?

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Why don't you just stop shoplifting from Dixons?

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OK, ladies, we've only got a couple of days to get this together

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but I have total faith in you that you'll pull this one out the bag.

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But first we've got to nail the basics, so we'll start with some scales,

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then we'll move onto the polyphonic harmonies. All right, everyone!

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Give me a G!

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THEY ALL SHOUT G!

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No, the note.

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Helen.

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Could you give us a scale?

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SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

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# Do re mi fa sooooooo

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# Laaaa ti dohoooohooo

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# Hoooooooooo... #

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OK. OK.

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Virna, could we hear your scale?

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Aye. I used tae sing scales in church.

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Church-e-oke more like.

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SHE SNIGGERS

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SHE SINGS OPERATICALLY

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HELEN ATTEMPTS TO JOIN IN

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Helen. He...

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THEY CONTINUE SINGING

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Helen...

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SHE KEEPS SINGING

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Helen.

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SHE CONTINUES

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Can you not?

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Wow! Well, I think we've found our lead vocalist.

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Helen...

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..I would like you to...

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understudy Virna.

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Congratulations, Virna, you're our soloist!

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OK, everyone, let's work on our moves!

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And I haven't eaten in weeks,

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and neither has Piccalilli and he is with child.

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So I really need this job back.

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If not for me, then for the impending baby dogs.

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-Course you can have your job back.

-Oh, thank you.

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Why are you looking so agog, Mary?

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We could do with someone of Laura's skills around here.

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What are your skills again?

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Well, I've got a head for business and a bod for sin.

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Well, you are re-hired. Can you start now?

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Yeah!

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Oh, just let me clean up here first.

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I think the baby dogs are bearing down on his bladder.

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Oh, don't worry about that. Mary will deal with it.

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So how's that sister of yours gettin' on?

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I was finkin' I'd like to pay her a little visit.

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CHANTING Nigel! Nigel! Nigel! NIGEL!

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CHEERING

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Nigel!

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You bitches are the reason I do this. I love you all.

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We won UK Prisons Tug of War, we won Best Float at the Lord Mayor's Show,

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and we then we took a gold at the Prison Vegetable Awards

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for the fourth year running.

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I don't know what it is about Woolley Grange soil

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but it sure knows how to treat a parsnip.

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I see you've got Nigel again this year. Machete-ing that bouncer

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was the best thing that ever happened to your choir.

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Everyone loves Nigel.

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SHE CHUCKLES

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But it's all about the choir today

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and our girls have been in training for months.

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And I think there's one in particular

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who'll really stand out for us.

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A little dicky bird told me that Tony Blackburn is judging,

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so who knows what could happen.

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You know Blackburn displays 95% of the characteristics of a sociopath?

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He's dangerously unpredictable.

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I suppose that means it's... all for the taking.

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HE MOANS

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SHE SWALLOWS

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Laura. Don't look at me. Act normal.

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How's it going?

0:18:180:18:20

Oh, great. Day two and I've been made Head of Adhesives!

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But did you find out anything about Mrs Bridges? Anything suspicious?

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Not yet, but I did give her my visitor's pass to see Helen.

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-What did you do that for?

-Cos she made me Head of Adhesives.

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-Give us a lift?

-Sorry, Laura, I've got to follow a lead.

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ENGINE STARTS

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CAR STOPS

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CAR STARTS

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CAR STOPS

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ENGINE STARTS

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THEY SING SCALES PERFECTLY

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The performance is this afternoon. You can't drop out now.

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I can and I have.

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Virna seems to be happy to put up with a lack of professionalism

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but I'm not.

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Sorry for having standards. So, y'know, not interested.

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-Unless...

-Unless what?

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Well, I don't even know why I'm saying this

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because I just want to concentrate on my case and my solo stuff

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but, I dunno, if the lead vocal was to become a duet

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then maybe I might consider coming...

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Virna, I think if we've learnt one thing from Blue and Elton John,

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it's that a duet is always more...

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If they want me to play Rosamund Pike's mother they can stick it up their arseholes.

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To be honest, that bastard hasn't offered me a decent role

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since I refused to suck it at Chichester.

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OK, yeah. Ciao.

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Oh!

0:20:130:20:15

Christine... I...

0:20:150:20:17

There's a moose loose aboot this hoose.

0:20:170:20:20

Ah was, errr...

0:20:200:20:21

We're not allowed phones in here.

0:20:210:20:24

Or agents.

0:20:240:20:26

Well, I'm as shocked as you, Margaret.

0:20:290:20:31

I mean, you'd think a professional actor would know better.

0:20:310:20:34

But I suppose what's important right now

0:20:340:20:37

is just to try and salvage the show.

0:20:370:20:39

SHE SIGHS

0:20:390:20:40

If only there was some way we could do that.

0:20:400:20:43

If only someone could step up to the plate.

0:20:470:20:49

Someone who had understudied the songs

0:20:490:20:52

-and was compared to a young Michael Crawford.

-Ball.

0:20:520:20:54

Umm. Well, I mean, I've understudied the songs

0:20:540:20:58

and I have been compared to a young Michael Ball

0:20:580:21:02

so I suppose I could do it.

0:21:020:21:05

Well, girls, thank you for bringing this embarrassing situation

0:21:080:21:12

to my attention.

0:21:120:21:14

And thank you for volunteering to help. What a thoughtful offer.

0:21:150:21:19

Although I think I might have another solution.

0:21:200:21:23

# Tonight, I'm gonna have myself a real good time

0:21:230:21:30

# I feel alive

0:21:300:21:36

# And the world's turning inside out Yeah!

0:21:360:21:43

# I'm floating around in ecstasy

0:21:430:21:48

-# So...

-Don't stop me now

0:21:480:21:53

THE ENGINE STOPS

0:21:530:21:55

# Don't stop me now Cos I'm having a good time

0:21:550:21:58

# I don't want to stop at all

0:21:580:22:03

# Don't stop me, don't stop me Don't stop me, hey, hey, hey

0:22:030:22:06

# Don't stop me, don't stop me Hoo, hoo, hoo... #

0:22:060:22:08

Just so you know, there is a lot riding on this.

0:22:080:22:11

You already said, darling.

0:22:110:22:14

# Wooooooo

0:22:140:22:16

# Don't stop me now We're having such a good time

0:22:160:22:19

# I'm having a ball

0:22:190:22:22

# Don't stop me now If you wanna have a good time

0:22:220:22:25

# Just give me a call

0:22:250:22:27

# Don't stop me now Cos I'm having a good time

0:22:270:22:30

# Don't stop me now Cos I'm having a good time

0:22:300:22:33

# I don't want to stop at all

0:22:330:22:37

# Don't stop me now. #

0:22:370:22:39

THE CROWD APPLAUD

0:22:390:22:42

Five, six, seven, eight.

0:22:460:22:48

KEYBOARD MUSIC STARTS

0:22:480:22:51

# There's a fire starting in my heart

0:22:520:22:56

# Reaching a fever pitch

0:22:560:22:58

# It's bringing me out the dark

0:22:580:23:01

# Finally I can see you crystal clear

0:23:010:23:06

# Go ahead and sell me out

0:23:060:23:07

# And I'll lay your shit bare

0:23:070:23:10

# See how I leave

0:23:100:23:12

# With every piece of you

0:23:120:23:15

# Don't underestimate

0:23:150:23:17

# The things that I will do

0:23:170:23:20

# There's a fire starting in my heart

0:23:200:23:24

# Reaching a fever pitch

0:23:240:23:26

# And it's bringing me out the dark

0:23:260:23:30

# The scars of your love

0:23:300:23:31

# They leave me breathless

0:23:310:23:34

# I can't help feeling

0:23:340:23:36

-# We could have had it all

-Oooooooo!

0:23:360:23:41

-# Rolling in the deep

-Rolling in the deep

0:23:410:23:44

# You had my heart and soul

0:23:440:23:47

# In your hand

0:23:470:23:50

# But you played it

0:23:500:23:52

# You played it, you played it

0:23:520:23:54

# You played it to the beat. #

0:23:540:23:58

THE CROWD APPLAUD

0:23:580:24:01

Yes?

0:24:130:24:14

It's Tony Norman, Helen Stephens' lawyer.

0:24:140:24:17

Can I come in? I want to ask you what you know about the murder of Eric Bridges.

0:24:170:24:21

I'm in the bath.

0:24:230:24:25

What do you know about the missing money?

0:24:260:24:30

I'm going to have to go in now. Thank you. Bye now.

0:24:300:24:33

HE EXHALES DEEPLY

0:24:390:24:41

This has been a difficult decision.

0:24:420:24:45

I mean, there is so much talent it's criminal.

0:24:450:24:49

HE CHUCKLES

0:24:490:24:50

But there can only be one winning choir

0:24:500:24:53

going through to the regionals. And that is...

0:24:530:24:55

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

0:24:550:24:58

Broadmarsh Women's Prison!

0:25:110:25:12

THEY CHEER AND HE SCREAMS

0:25:120:25:14

# Yeah, you and me

0:25:140:25:15

# We can ride on a star

0:25:150:25:18

# If you stay with me, girl

0:25:180:25:21

# We can rule the world

0:25:210:25:25

# Yeah, you and me

0:25:250:25:28

# We can light up the sky

0:25:280:25:30

# If you stay by my side

0:25:300:25:33

# We can rule the world... #

0:25:330:25:36

'Dear Maurice, I've been in solitary for ten days now,

0:25:420:25:46

'with only your letters and my new moustache for solace.

0:25:460:25:50

'I always wondered how I'd cope with this sort of sensory deprivation,

0:25:500:25:53

'and the answer is pretty good.

0:25:530:25:55

'Apart from the fact I got the We Buy Any Car jingle

0:25:550:25:58

'stuck in my head on day two.

0:25:580:25:59

'People say you can start having hallucinations in here,

0:25:590:26:02

'but luckily I've not suffered from that yet.'

0:26:020:26:04

Isn't that right, Senorita Snailima?

0:26:040:26:07

SHE LAUGHS

0:26:080:26:11

THE HATCH OPENS

0:26:110:26:13

Better get plucking, Stephens. You got a visitor.

0:26:130:26:17

You coming?

0:26:170:26:18

Suit yourself.

0:26:200:26:22

Erm...

0:26:340:26:37

Hello. How are you?

0:26:370:26:39

You look well. Have you had something done? Your hair or neck?

0:26:460:26:51

Oh, God!

0:26:510:26:52

Elaine, Mrs Bridges, I'm so sorry about what happened to Eric,

0:26:520:26:57

but I need you to know that I didn't do it, I did NOT do it.

0:26:570:27:01

I didn't do it. Did not do it.

0:27:010:27:05

Do you know what I was doing last night, Helen?

0:27:050:27:09

Homemade pizzas?

0:27:090:27:11

I was celebrating.

0:27:110:27:13

The hospice two doors down from us

0:27:130:27:16

have been trying to raise money for years to build an extension,

0:27:160:27:19

accommodation for the family, a little memorial fountain,

0:27:190:27:24

that sort of fing.

0:27:240:27:26

Yesterday, I received news

0:27:260:27:28

that the council had rejected planning permission.

0:27:280:27:31

My Eric, he'd have loved to've seen that.

0:27:310:27:35

He was doing everything in his power to make sure that carbuncle

0:27:350:27:40

did not block our view of the golf course.

0:27:400:27:42

But it is a bittersweet victory, Helen,

0:27:420:27:47

cos he ain't here to celebrate with me.

0:27:470:27:50

All right, but even knowing that, I still didn't kill him.

0:27:510:27:58

The thing is Helen, when you tell me stuff,

0:27:580:28:02

I don't know if I can believe you.

0:28:020:28:04

Especially since I found this in my husband's office.

0:28:040:28:11

What's that?

0:28:120:28:14

It's a tiny little sex tape, Helen.

0:28:140:28:17

It's 90 minutes of dirty talk and what sounds like someone

0:28:180:28:22

trying to mend a squeaky gate.

0:28:220:28:25

'I think I can, I think I can.

0:28:250:28:27

MOANS OF PLEASURE

0:28:270:28:29

'I know I can, I know I can!'

0:28:290:28:31

That's not me, that's... That's somebody else, that's...

0:28:310:28:33

'PHONE RINGING You should get that, Helen.

0:28:330:28:36

'It could be the Purbeck Marble people.'

0:28:360:28:38

I think you have a little explaining to do.

0:28:420:28:45

Now, where's my husband's money?

0:28:460:28:50

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:29:000:29:03

There is great excitement at Broadmarsh Prison as governor Margaret announces the annual prison choir competition. Helen is persuaded to audition and is certain to be made the lead vocalist until the surprise appearance of Virna. Meanwhile Laura and Justin are worrying about finances and incompetent lawyer Tony is suspicious of Henry's motives. Widow and Entirely Tiles MD Mrs Bridges makes an interesting discovery. The inter-prison sing-off is judged by Tony Blackburn and the Broadmarsh Prison ladies are excited to see a singing regular from Woolley Grange Prison - Nigel.


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