Episode 1 Decline and Fall

OWL HOOTS

DOOR BANGS

DISTANT SHOUTS

-Oh, dear.

-Mm...

SILENCE

Did I imagine it?

SHOUTING RESTARTS No.

GLASS SHATTERS

I've found his Christening port!

Amazing year.

SHOUTING CONTINUES

GLASS SHATTERING

-There'll be some fines tonight.

-Mm!

I thought I might go to St Magnus's church

at Little Beckley tomorrow.

Would you like to do some rubbings with me?

I gather there are some fascinating brasses.

Since the majority of my adult life will be spent in churches,

I think I may stay in town tomorrow.

I'll do some rubbings for you.

LOUD ROARS

OI!

Let's go smash up Lord Rending's room.

ALL CHEER

Do you think it would be wise if we turned out the light?

UPROAR CONTINUES

There must be 30 of them at least.

Fined £10 each, that's £300!

It'll be more if they attack the chapel.

Please, God, let them attack the chapel.

..any stragglers?

Right, is every...? Hello, hello.

Excuse me.

Are you a Bolly?

HE MUMBLES

Ah, ah, ah...

ALL CHEER

They've caught someone.

Oh. Who is it?

I can't see. He's underneath them all.

I hope they don't do him any serious harm.

Make sure you get...

CLOTHES RIP

Dear me. I do hope it's not Lord Rending.

Oh, no. Oh...

-Oh, thank goodness.

-Hm.

It's someone of no importance.

ALL: BOLLY! BOLLY! BOLLY!

Forgive me, Father.

HE SIGHS AND TUTS

He ran the whole length of the quadrangle without his trousers?

Yes, Master.

Oh, that is not the conduct we expect of a scholar.

Should we, um, fine him heavily, Master?

I very much doubt he can pay.

I understand he is not well-off. He's reading for the church.

-Is that right?

-Theology.

Without his trousers, indeed.

I'm afraid Pennyfeather is the sort of young man

who does the college no good at all.

It may be best if we get rid of him all together.

ALL: Hmm.

The fines last night totalled £340.

We shall have Founder's port for five nights in the common room.

A rare treat.

THEY CHUCKLE

Sorry, Pa.

My keys, Blacknall.

I don't suppose I shall see you again.

I don't suppose so, sir.

You know, I was upset to hear what's happened to you.

Thank you. I was looking forward to my life as a priest.

What do you intend to do instead?

I really don't know.

Well, I expect you'll want to become a schoolmaster, sir.

That's what most of the gentlemen does

that get sent down for indecent behaviour.

Goodbye, Blacknall.

Cheerio, sir.

Sent down for indecent behaviour, eh?

TYPING

We call that sort of thing -

"education discontinued for personal reasons."

-Mr Samson?

-Yes, sir.

Do we have we any education discontinued posts at hand?

Looking now, sir.

And you have no right to your father's money until you are 21?

None whatsoever. My guardian assured me of it.

Is that what your father would have wanted, do you think?

I don't know.

-He died when I was younger, so I never really knew him.

-Oh.

Ah. Here we are.

Ah, yes.

Dr Augustus Fagan, Llanabba School,

requires a junior assistant master immediately,

to teach Classics, English, Mathematics, French, German.

Experience essential...

And first-class games - especially cricket - also essential.

Salary, £120.

Might have been made for you.

But I have no teaching experience. And I can't play cricket.

Oh, it doesn't pay to be too be modest.

But I don't speak German.

It is wonderful what one can achieve if one tries.

Between ourselves, Llanabba hasn't a very good name in the profession.

We class our schools into four grades here - leading schools,

first-rate schools, good schools, and schools.

The status of this school is... school.

And school is pretty bad.

Dr Fagan can hardly expect all those things for the salary he's offering.

Das ware lacherlich... Ja?

Ja.

Oh, well, I think you'll find it very suitable.

And Wales isn't as bad as people say.

Guten luck!

STAMP BANGS

WHISTLE BLOWS

SHEEP BLEATS

-Here you are.

-Thank you.

Er, do you know...?

BELL RINGS

FOOTSTEPS

Hello. I'm Paul Pennyfeather. I've come here as a master.

Hm!

I know all about you.

Follow me.

DOOR CREAKS AND BANGS

This is the common room.

Wait here, please.

FOOTSTEPS

-BANG

-Come in here, you.

-Yes, Captain Grimes.

-Hello.

Hello, there.

What do you mean by whistling when I told you to stop?

-All the other boys were whistling, sir.

-What's that got to do with it?

I'd have thought that had everything to do with it, sir.

Well, you'd be wrong, you disruptive oik.

Do me 100 lines, and remember, next time I'll beat you.

With this.

STICK WHISTLES

Now, go on.

BOY CHUCKLES

There's no discipline in this place.

Headmaster will see you now.

I shall not ask the details about why you were "sent down".

I've been in the scholastic profession long enough to know

that nobody enters it unless he has some very good reasons

he is anxious to conceal.

I'm keen to find something that I can stick at. A vocation.

I hope that being a schoolmaster may be it.

Don't let Daddy overwork you.

You know what scholars can be like - inhuman.

Nonsense.

I'm grateful for the little detachment I've achieved

as a headmaster.

This creature is my daughter, Florence.

How do you do?

Pleased to meet you. I'm expecting to work hard...

Your predecessor was a thoroughly agreeable young man.

But he used to borrow money off the boys -

quite large sums, as it turns out.

So I had to get rid of him, but it was a shame -

he had tone.

DOOR OPENS

Ah, this is my other daughter.

Diana, this is Paul Pennyfeather, the new master.

Pleased to meet you.

Don't listen to whatever Florence has just told you.

-Do your own thing.

-Shut up, Dingy.

-Would you like tea?

Yes, please.

I hope you brought some soap with you. And boot polish.

And pens and paper for writing.

I'm afraid I didn't.

Oh, Father, I asked you to tell him

that masters are not supplied with those luxuries.

Well, it...slipped my mind.

-Do you take sugar?

-Yes.

Did you bring any?

No. I-I can get some. Thank you.

I've put you in charge of the fifth form.

You'll find them delightful boys - quite delightful.

I've also put you in charge of games, carpentry and the fire drill.

The fire escape is very dangerous and never to be used.

Even in an emergency. Do you teach music?

II'm afraid not sir.

But Mr Levy assured me that you did and I've arranged for you

to take Beste-Chetwynde in organ lessons twice a week.

Well, you must do the best you can.

BELL RINGS

There's the bell.

Da klingelt die Schulglocke?

-Gut.

-I'll take you up.

Pleased to meet you.

He seems better than the usual.

I give him a week.

SHE SLURPS

This is the fifth form.

LOUD HUBBUB

I don't like to go in if I can avoid it.

So I'll let you introduce yourself.

But not a word to the boys, please,

about your reasons for leaving Oxford.

We schoolmasters must temper discretion with deceit.

Well, I imagine I've said something for you to ponder.

DOOR CREAKS

-Good morning, sir.

-Good morning.

-Good morning, sir.

-Good morning.

Good morning, sir.

That's enough good mornings. Good morning to you all.

-ALL:

-Good morning, sir.

Well, I suppose the first thing we should do is clear up your names.

-What's your name?

-Tangent, sir.

-Very good. And yours?

-Tangent, sir.

You can't both be called Tangent.

We are, sir.

No, sir, they are not called Tangent - I'm Tangent.

No, sir, I'm Tangent. I really am.

There is only one Tangent in the room, sir - and that's me.

He's not Tangent, sir...

ALL SHOUT

Quiet, please.

Tangents!

HIGH VOICE: Stop, please!

Right, we'll sort out your names later.

Now, until recently I was studying for the church,

so today we are going to learn about the

growth and spread... of Christianity...

YAWNING

..during the Roman period of time.

That will be interesting, won't it?

Yes...? Tangent?

What's your name, sir?

My name...?

My name is Mr...

SQUEAKS

LAUGHTER

My name is Mr....

SQUEAKS AND LAUGHTER Come on.

Sir. There's more chalk in the desk drawer, sir.

My name is Mr...

LAUGHTER

It's a simple question, sir - what's your name?

My name is Mr...

GLASS SHATTERS My name is Mr Pennyfeather.

LAUGHTER

-"Mr Fanny feather."

-"Mr Runny weather."

Stop laughing! It is not an amusing name.

Quiet. Quiet, please!

> Wait for me...

BELL RINGS

Hello.

I suppose you must be the new master.

Hello. Yes. I'm Mr Pennyfeather.

They call me Prendy.

Glass of port?

It's 10.30...

Beer, then?

You'll hate it here. I do.

I've been here ten years.

Grimes only came this term, but he hates it already.

BANGS BOTTLE

THUNDER RUMBLES

Filthy meal, isn't it? Pub after dinner?

-Um...

-Good chap.

Poor old Prendy, the boys give him such a hard time.

It's because of his wig.

It's very difficult to retain authority if people know

you're wearing a wig.

I've got a false leg - but that's different. People respect it.

They think I lost it during the war.

You didn't lose it during the war?

No. I lost it in a tram accident in Stoke-on-Trent.

Drink had been taken! Ha-ha.

Have you met Miss Fagan yet?

The headmaster's daughter?

I've met two of them. Yes.

Yeah? They're both bitches.

I'm engaged to be married to Flossie.

Not the male-looking one, the haybag.

They're both fairly masculine.

Yeah. We haven't announced it yet,

so keep it to yourself. Nobody knows.

-I might not go through with it.

-Right. No.

Chop chop! I'm thirsty!

How are you finding your mob?

Oh. Um...

I tried to impart some knowledge I have on the Romans to them today...

I shouldn't try to teach them anything. You're new.

Just keep them quiet. And beat them if they're not.

Beat them, beat them, beat them, beat them.

That's how I won their admiration.

Although I don't think by nature I was meant to be a schoolteacher.

Why not?

Because of my, er, "temperament".

At each school, I get in the soup.

And then I get fired.

Right.

And is it hard to get another job - once you've been...

"in the soup"?

There are ways. I'm a public-school man, you see.

That means everything.

There's a blessed equity in the public-school system that

ensures one against starvation.

Not that I survived five years at school, of course.

I was expelled.

For something I did.

Then war broke out.

You're too young to have been in the war, of course.

Yes. How was the war for you?

Brief. They were going to court- martial me. For something I did.

Firing squad. One chap put a revolver in my hand and suggested I

"do the decent thing". Well, I didn't fancy shooting myself.

I thought, "If someone's going to shoot me,

"they can bloody well do it themselves."

It was a bit hairy for a moment,

but thankfully the colonel turned out to be a public-school chap.

He thought there was no way they should be shooting an Old Harrovian.

So they got me a job in Ireland for the rest of the war.

As a postman. It was wonderful.

You can't get in the soup in Ireland, whatever you do.

Captain Grimes... Pennyfeather... I've been talking to the

stationmaster, there - and if either of you fancy

a woman tonight, he's, er, offering up his sister...

Certainly not, Philbrick.

All right. Just offering.

Damn cheek of the man.

Women are a bit of an enigma to Grimes.

Let's have whiskies with these.

Oh, I-I probably shouldn't.

You-you probably should!

Cheerio!

HE GULPS

KNOCKING

HE MOANS

LOUDER KNOCKING

Good morning, sir, I just thought I'd come and let you know

that there is only one bathroom for masters.

So, if you want to get to it before Mr Prendergast,

you ought to go now.

-Everybody up...

-Thank you...

Rise and shine...

Sorry, who are you?

Please don't say you're called Tangent.

I'm Beste-Chetwynde, sir.

I think you're teaching me the organ this morning.

Oh - yes.

Well, are you terribly good?

Erm...

ORGAN PLAYS LOUDLY

Did you go to the pub last night, sir?

Oh, no, no.

LOUD DRIPPING

HE GROANS

I expect you're wondering how I came to be here.

If things had worked out differently, I'd still be

a rector in Worthing, my own house and a church and a congregation.

It was all very pleasant...at first.

Until my doubts began...

THUNDER RUMBLES

Were they as bad as all that?

They were insufferable.

And they arrived very suddenly one day,

while I was having tea with some friends of my mother.

I suddenly realised...

..that I couldn't understand...

..why God had made the world.

At all.

No, I mean...

I could understand that once you're granted the first step,

everything else follows.

Incarnation. Resurrection. Church. Bishops. Incense. Jumble sale.

But why did God begin it all in the first place?

THUNDER CRASHES

The Bishop thought it was a phase that would pass.

It didn't pass.

Eventually I had to resign my living.

That's terrible.

CRASH

Do I smell of drink?

HE EXHALES

A little.

Comes of having no breakfast. May I?

HE COUGHS

HE GRUNTS

Has Prendy been telling you about his doubts?

I have, actually.

It's a funny thing, I can't quite explain it,

but I've always felt that one can't be unhappy for long,

providing one does whatever one wants.

That's a good philosophy.

I must say that I...I find the boys utterly intractable.

Do you?

My wig may have something to do with it.

Have you noticed that I... I wear a wig?

-No. I didn't. Do you?

-I told you he does.

It was a great mistake ever getting one.

The boys make all sorts of jokes.

Well, I suppose they'd just laugh at something else if it wasn't that.

Yes. Perhaps it's good to localise the target of their ridicule.

It's all very well for you - the boys admire you.

Losing your leg at Gallipoli, capturing that enemy machine gun.

I can't get my chalk to work on the board.

Yeah, that's because the little turds put varnish on it.

Beat any boy you see doing that.

BELL RINGS

Well, we must go and face the mutinous beasts again.

Perhaps one day I'll see the light and go back to ministry.

Here you are. You'll want this.

HE GROANS

Right, listen up, boys.

I want you to write an essay for me, in silence, on self-indulgence.

There will be a prize for the longest essay,

irrespective of any possible merit.

'My dear Potts,

'the boys finally seem to be tolerating me,

'which is some improvement.

'But I still miss Oxford terribly.

'Thank you for sending me your rubbings from

'St Magnus's at Little Beckley. I wish I had been with you...'

Mr Potts, erm, do you, erm, do you have a moment?

Certainly.

I have some friends who live in London who are working for

a new organisation and they're very interested in meeting you.

What have you heard about the, erm...The League of Nations?

HORN BEEPS

BEEPS LOUDER

INDISTINCT

How beautiful.

Isn't he?

CAR STARTS

Why hasn't there been a sports day for three years?

Yes, Pennyfeather.

Perhaps I will go and find him now. See you later.

See you later.

Beste-Chetwynde?

Where's your mother from? If you don't mind me asking?

Er, California. Her family are originally from Ciudad Guayana.

It's just that I saw her dropping you off after the exeat.

I've told her all about you.

Have you? Where is...

HE MUMBLES

Ciudad Guayana? Venezuela. Dad was from Winchester.

Was he? He "was"?

He died when I was nine.

My father also died when I was young.

I hope Mama falls in love again.

She's still so young and beautiful and wonderful and she

deserves to be happy.

I don't much like the chap she's currently seeing.

Have you ever been in love, Mr Pennyfeather?

Er, no. Not yet.

Beste-Chetwynde...

Given the suddenly optimistic weather forecast, I have decided

that the chief sporting event of the year will take place...tomorrow.

The preliminary heats will be run this afternoon.

Our new master, Mr Pennyfeather,

who, as you know, is a distinguished athlete...

..will be in charge of all the arrangements.

HE GRUNTS

The sports day always brings the largest collection of parents

to the school - so the whole thing must go like a dream.

And certainly better than last time. Diana....

Daddy.

Will you please be kind enough to arrange tea in this marquee?

Foie gras sandwiches, and plenty of cakes with sugar icing.

Florence, there must be banks of flowers.

It's rare that the scholarly hum of the school gives way to the spirit

of festival, but when it does, taste and dignity must be our watchwords.

Shall we get a Welsh band?

Very good idea.

-Fireworks?

-Marvellous!

A parents' race.

I read in the paper yesterday that the Llanabba Silver Band came

third in the North Wales Eisteddfod.

Well spotted, Pennyfeather. You may yet become an asset to this school.

Let's get on to them, please.

Old Mr Davis at the station is the bandmaster.

Nonetheless, let's book them.

And, Pennyfeather, make sure that the winners are

evenly distributed throughout the school.

Little Lord Tangent must win something.

Well, he's a donkey.

His mother's coming. And so is Mrs Beste-Chetwynde.

Events must go well.

She is an important woman. And very wealthy.

-She poisoned her husband.

-What?

Yeah, have you heard?

No.

-Powdered glass in his coffee.

-But it never came to court.

Right, Pennyfeather! Time for the heats!

THUNDER RUMBLES

Fall in. Well done, boys.

Tangent, is everyone here?

Erm, Clutterbuck is crying behind that tree.

Never mind. What do we do now?

I deplore the whole business.

Can we please start, sir? We're all getting rather cold.

Yes, quite right. Er... What do you want to do?

Well, how about we divide up into two heats and run a race?

Yes. That's the way I do it, too.

Right. Divide up into two teams.

The first race will be a mile.

Run round the castle and back.

Mr Prendergast will take the names of the winners

for tomorrow's programme.

Where are you going?

To look for the hurdles.

On your marks. Get set. Go!

Go!

Oh, Philbrick? What are you doing?

I've been told to put up more tents. Like a blinking Arab.

This is not what I was made for.

I'm looking for the hurdles.

Oh, they got burned for firewood.

I'll have to order some more.

I suspect you're wondering how I came to be here.

At this school.

Not really.

Then I'll tell you. It's a love story, really.

You ever heard of Toby Crutwell? From Camberwell?

Me and Toby used to work together.

We did the Buller diamond robbery and the

1912 Amalgamated Steel Trust Robbery.

What?!

After the war, I settled down

running The Lamb & Flag in Camberwell.

I ain't seen Toby in seven year.

There was a rumour he became a Conservative MP.

But last year, he came into the pub, out the blue...

..and suggested we get into a bit of nobbling.

Nobbling?

-Kidnapping.

-Kidnapping?

Sh! Rich people's kids.

Toby had his eye on Lord Utteridge's son.

-The sick degenerate.

-Yes...sick degenerate.

-Oh, you know the boy?

-No, I meant...

Hm, horrible little toad. Anyway, I needed the dough.

So I said, "Yeah, count me in." What harm could it do?

Hey? We weren't going to hurt the kid. Just threaten him a bit.

You know.

So we took the boy, and we wrote to daddy - pay up or else...

Guess what happened? Dad refused to pay.

Said he was delighted to have the boy off his hands.

His happiness was now complete.

So we thought we'd give it another go.

Only this time, find some wealthy widow toff mother,

so we didn't have to deal with the father.

Toby read about Lady Circumference -

and her only son...

..Lord Tangent.

PRENDERGAST SHOUTS

That's why you're here? To kidnap Lord Tangent?

Good God. Why have you told me this?

Don't worry, ain't to happen now.

All right, Prendy. How's it going?

Not well. None of them come back.

It's discouraging launching heat after heat and then none of

them come back.

It's...It's like sending troops into battle.

I suspect they've gone to get changed.

Well, it is rather, erm, rather damp.

Do you think we could go and change now? I'd like that.

-How did the heats go?

-Oh, there weren't any.

Oh, very wise of you.

The old boy wants the results off to the printers, so come on,

help me decide the winners.

I've learned it's always the best when these things are

worked out over the fire.

Who did well, would you say?

Um... Clutterbuck did well.

He's a fine athlete, yeah. Which heat did he win?

The three-mile?

-Why not?

-Well done, Clutterbuck.

Hello.

Hello.

Pennyfeather, fancy a jaunt to Mrs Roberts?

Swifty, before the events get going?

Well, the parents are here now, so... Hello.

Quite right. I'll see you later, then.

Oh, here comes Prendy in his coat of many colours.

He looks like an ice cream.

Prendy, swifty?

-See you later, old chap.

-Shouldn't you stay and help?

You're doing so well on your own.

Hello.

You promised me sunshine, Pennyfeather!

Never mind.

This sports day is already going better than the previous one.

Well, the marquee is still standing and none of the children have

been mauled by a dog.

That's good.

Now, look, there's a limited amount of champagne today,

so please make sure that it goes to the parents and not the masters.

Try to prevent the masters from pushing forward.

I'll try.

Oh, have you marked out the finish line with paint?

I think Captain Grimes was doing that.

Well, he HASN'T done it. That's one for you, please.

And can we get the prizes arranged on the table?

The prize table needs to look casual but considered.

I think Mr Prendergast was taking...

-Yes, but...

-I'll do it.

-Good.

-PHILBRICK TRILLS

The hurdles have arrived, sir.

Not sure they're what you were expecting.

CLATTERING

Could a boy jump that?

Perhaps we should replace the hurdles with a different event.

The greasy pole?

Throwing things into little hoops?

The hammer?

I'm not entirely sure what that is - but presumably you just need

a hammer. And then you throw it.

Well done, Pennyfeather. I'll leave the details to you.

I am more concerned about the style of the day than the actual events.

For instance, I wish we had a starting pistol.

The very thing!

Why have you got that?

Oh, I carry it all the time.

Careful with it, though, sir.

Point it towards the ground when you're firing it.

Yes. Yes, of cour...

SHOUTING

Who are these extraordinary-looking people?

Stick with me...

Oh, it's Mr Davis, the stationmaster.

Hello.

We are the silver band, The Lord Bless And Keep You,

the band that no-one could beat whatever but two indeed in

the Eisteddfod that for the whole of North Wales was, look you.

Right, go into your little tent.

And you must on no account talk to any of the parents.

Or be seen.

To march about would you like us not?

Certainly not. Stay in your tent.

Play your music.

We'll pay you £3, as agreed.

£3 it is,

but nothing whatever without the money first can we look to play.

Here.

It is £3! My boys - to the tent.

£3? How about I give them a clout, sir?

No, please. Do not anger the Welsh.

We don't want to become unpopular in the village.

Do you have any Welsh blood?

-No.

-Good.

I do truly believe that the Welsh are the only nation in the

world that has produced nothing of any worth.

They produce no painting or sculpture,

no architecture or drama of any kind.

They just sing.

BAND WARM UP

Good Lord, Lady Circumference is here.

Come with me!

Lady Circumference, how wonderful to see you.

Oh, I've just been chaffing your daughter, here, about her frock.

I love a riot of colour.

Allow me to introduce you to our fine new master,

Mr Pennyfeather.

Sharp of mind, swift of foot. With excellent German.

How do you do?

Lady Circumference is Little Lord Tangent's mother.

How's he doing?

Yes, very well.

Nonsense. He's a dunderhead. He needs kicking and beating.

I'll keep a close eye on him. We all should!

Are you looking forward to the sports?

Not really. How do you find these events?

I think they're good for the boys.

Do you? Why?

In case there's another war?

Another war?

I told you he was clever.

Who do you think will be our enemy this time?

-America.

-America? I hope not.

We had German prisoners on my land last time. That was fine.

But if they start putting Americans on my land, I shall refuse it.

Set out the prizes, please, Pennyfeather.

Is that the start or the finish, old chap?

Both. I see you two have had a few.

Clutterbuck, is that box big enough to fit a boy in?

A small one.

Tangent?

Maybe. Do you want to try to? Actually, where is Tangent?

Have you seen Tangent?

Captain Grimes, take over.

IMITATES TRAIN WHISTLE

Philbrick, I know what your game is.

Eh?

That box. Just big enough for a boy, isn't it?

Don't be ridiculous. I told you. That job's off.

Tangent?

This stuff's for the hammer throw.

Tangent!

Oh...

I came here to kidnap Lord Tangent.

But that was a year ago.

The moment I got here and I met Miss Diana,

the headmaster's daughter, well, everything changed.

My heart stopped.

That woman could lift a man from the depths of hell.

Dingy?

Beauty's not just skin deep, Mr Pennyfeather?

-No, no, it isn't.

-No, it's not. I told you, it's a love story.

You ever been in love, Mr Pennyfeather?

Pennyfeather! Pennyfeather! Start them racing, please!

Boys! Form up! The first race is about to begin!

The under-16s' 12 furlong.

Erm, the course goes as follows.

Down here. Through the woods.

Round the castle. Past that elm tree.

Cedar tree!

Cedar tree. Six laps.

Captain Grimes is the timekeeper.

-SLURRING:

-I...keep...the time.

Mr Prendergast, the starter.

On your marks...

GUNSHOT/BOY SCREAMS

WOUND SQUELCHES

Tangent!

-Oh, Dingy...

-Are you all right?

..go and give that boy some cake.

-Yes, Daddy.

-Lady Circumference, I am so sorry...

Not to worry. I'm sure he'll recover.

But perhaps someone should remove the pistol from that man,

before he does anything serious.

Yes, it's very unfortunate.

HORN TOOTS LOUDLY

Mrs Beste-Chetwynde is arriving.

Mrs Beasty Bee is arriving.

Oh, dear Mrs Beste-Chetwynde.

Oh, dear Dr Fagan.

I hope you don't mind me bringing my friend, Chokey.

-He's just crazy about sport.

-Oh, I sure am.

Oh, no...

EXCLAMATIONS OF CONTEMPT

Shall we?

-At the moment the boys are running the 12-furlong race.

-Oh.

Six laps round the castle.

Oh, lovely.

Er, Lady Circumference, allow me to introduce you

to Mrs Beste-Chetwynde and her...friend.

-Hello. How do you do?

-How do you do?

How's your boy doing?

-He's been injured in the foot.

-Oh, dear. Not badly, I hope?

He was shot by one of the masters.

It's kind of you to enquire.

I was talking to that master.

He kept going on about a church in Worthing.

I wondered if he wasn't quite all right in the head.

Well, the children adore him.

Oh, here they come!!

Come on, darling!

-Well done, darling!!

-Oh, that's the stuff!

Oh! That boy cheated.

He only went round the castle five times. I was counting.

How dare you say a thing like that?

I appeal to the referee.

Let's not have competitiveness spoil sports day.

Beste-Chetwynde wins.

Nonsense.

He lagged behind and then joined the others on the final lap.

You're making a very serious accusation.

I know a cheat when I see one.

How about we say that Beste-Chetwynde won

the ten-furlong race?

Yes! A very exacting distance.

But all the others were running 12 furlongs.

And they came first, second, third, fourth and fifth at that distance.

Wonderful. So many winners!

-Very well.

-Now it must be time for tea?

-SLURRING:

-It's the hammer now.

We will enjoy that spectacle while we have tea.

Yes, tea is served.

'Scuse me.

Pennyfeather, circulate, please.

Mingle. The tent seems to have divided into two warring sides.

Give them sandwiches. I'll go and talk to

Mrs Beste-Chetwynde.

Mrs Beste-Chetwynde, it's such a pity you've missed the hurdles.

Peter did very well.

Oh, it was such a shame to have missed that.

We had the slowest journey up. Stopping at all the churches.

Chokey loves an old church, don't you, darling?

Oh, I sure do.

You know, when I saw Bath & Wells Cathedral,

you know, my heart rose up and sang within me.

It is a nice building.

You folk think that because we're coloured, we don't care

for nothing but jazz.

Not at all.

But my race is essentially an artistic race...

Oh, you should hear him play.

..with a love of song and colour.

What he can do with a trombone.

You white folk despise the coloured man.

You think he doesn't have a soul.

Not at all.

But don't the coloured man breathe the air same as you?

-He do.

-Don't he eat and drink same as you?

He do. He do. So, please, have a sandwich.

Where's Pennyfeather?

Pennyfeather!

You really mustn't be discouraged. We're amongst friends here.

Well, I just want to say, I think...

Can I interest you in a foie gras sandwich?

Oh, yes. Thank you.

I'd give up all of jazz for one stone in your cathedrals.

Chokey thinks religion is divine. Are you a master here?

Yes.

Do you teach my boy?

He do.

Mr Pennyfeather is our newest master and a fine addition to the school.

Oh, you're Mr Pennyfeather.

His ability at music and foreign languages has surprised us all.

Do you like England's cathedrals, sir?

I like York Minster at lot.

SHE LAUGHS

I could eat you up!

Come for a walk with me, Mr Pennyfeather.

Tell me more about my son's education.

Oh, Chokey, why don't you talk to Lady Circumference?

Ask her about her turnip crop.

Thank you.

Have you been in England long?

Ah, yes. I was born here.

Oh, how divine.

Have you lived here long? I gather you're from America?

I am, I moved here 16 years ago, when I married Henry,

God rest his soul.

-SIGHING:

-Oh, I'm sorry if I seem tense.

Chokey and I had a fight about architecture.

Oh, dear... He seems charming.

Initially, I was very excited by him,

but I'm getting rather bored of him now.

His endless jazz and earnestness.

Yes, jazz can be rather testing, can't it?

Oh, I love jazz.

Testing in a good way. I love it, too.

Prendergast, will you please go and tell the Welsh to go home!

You know, when Peter's written home recently,

I've noticed a startling improvement in his spelling.

Can I credit you for that?

Yes, I suppose so. It is a pleasure teaching the intelligent children.

Oh, I'm terribly keen on the boy to go to Oxford.

But I can't help thinking his current abilities will prevent that.

It is a challenging entrance exam. I remember mine well.

Oh, we need a master at home, for private tuition.

I want someone young and clever at home - and you've revealed

yourself to be both those things.

Would you be interested in spending the summer with us?

I have a place on Park Lane and a place in Hampshire.

The place in Hampshire is called King's Thursday.

GROANING AND GRUNTING

Captain Grimes!

It was built in 1553, so it's hopeless, nothing works.

Well, I'm tearing it down and I'm building something clean, modern,

square, instead.

COMMOTION

Does that sound too terribly boring?

-No. No.

-Pennyfeather!

Can I have a word, old chap?

-Would you give me one moment?

-Uh-hm.

Oh, dear, I fear I'm in the soup again.

Oh. I see.

One moment's indiscretion and my whole career's in doubt.

If I get fired as a teacher, there really is nothing else

one can resort to.

Well, why don't you talk to Dr Fagan?

Or one of his daughters?

Flossie? Of course... That's how I can save myself.

You're brilliant, Pennyfeather.

-Am I?

-Well done.

Flossie!

I'll pay you, of course, for the tutoring.

Shall we say £5 a week?

Oh, and you can come to all my summer parties.

And borrow the motorcar. And the horses.

Oh, does any of this sound appealing, at all?

FIREWORKS BANG

PEOPLE SHRIEK

Well, I think it's time for us to leave.

HORN TOOTS

Thank goodness that's over for another year.

And poor old Tangent's foot has all swollen up and gone black.

I think I may have to find myself some other profession.

MAN HISSES

Has Dr Fagan gone in?

Yes.

I think I may have earned myself a reprieve with the good doctor.

Oh, well done. What did you do?

I have done the only thing I could...

I've told Flossie we're going to announce our engagement.

Oh, congratulations.

It was Paul's idea.

Was it? Right. Well, yes...

Congratulations. I'm sure she's delighted.

Oh, she's as pleased as hell and damn her nasty eyes.

Well, I expect everything will be all right in the end.

I'm sure. Why wouldn't it be?

Well, between us...

I haven't told you this before - I'm already married.

Anyway, once Fagan knows I'm going to marry his daughter,

I'm sure that'll get me out the soup.

Come on, Prendy. Back to the daily grind.

You're on prep duty.

Oh, good. I intend to cane every single boy tonight.

Yes, good show.

Hm, do you really think

Mrs Beste-Chetwynde murdered her husband?

-Probably. Why do you ask?

-Oh, no reason.

Oh-oh-oh. I see.

-What?

-Oh, dear.

-What?

-You're in love.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

THEY CHUCKLE

You're in love.

Yes. Smitten.

-Not at all.

-The temper - passion...

She's simply asked me to tutor the boy.

Cupid's done it a dance.

No.

Spring fancies. Love's young dream.

Not even a quickening of the pulse?

Certainly not

# A sweet despair... #

Oh, do be quiet!

# A trembling hope

# A frisson, a je ne sais quoi... #

Nothing of the sort.

Liar.

Sir, have you seen Captain Grimes?

Apparently, he didn't come home last night.

He's probably just passed out in a ditch somewhere.

You're going to Margot's place for summer...

You can come and work for me!

We provide girls for places of entertainment.

-Pottsy.

-I'd heard you'd had to become a...teacher.

I'm giving that up, now that I have met Margot,

the most wonderful woman in the world.