Episode 1 Delete, Delete, Delete

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much!

Thank you.

How's it going?

Hello, good evening.

Welcome to Delete, Delete, Delete,

the show where our guests hand over their laptops

and invite me to be airport security.

Over the next half hour, I'll be having a friendly chat with them,

waving most of them through, though some of them may be asked

to step into that special room at the side with the washing-up gloves

and no sink.

So...who's got nothing to declare?

Let's meet tonight's guests.

First up, we have the Christian Grey of broadcasting.

He is sexy, he's silver-haired,

and he's a masochist.

That's why he's given us his password instead of his safe word.

Please welcome George Lamb!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much, George.

Up next, a presenter and DJ who won Bear Grylls: Mission Survive

by drinking her own urine...

GROANING AND LAUGHS

So she assures us that she's all set for a night on the piss in Belfast.

It's Vogue Williams!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-How you doing? Are you well?

-Mwah.

-Thank you very much.

Now, I know what you're thinking.

"Each guest is better looking than the last, Paddy.

"Surely this can't continue?!"

Oh, but it can.

He is the biggest snooker star to ever come out of Northern Ireland...

who is still alive.

It's the legendary Dennis Taylor!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-How you doing? Good to see you.

-There you go.

Thank you very much. Welcome to the show.

-Delighted to be here, Patrick.

-Thank you for having us.

It's a very sexy sofa, I have to say, Dennis.

Well, it looks from here that it is.

Now, George, no stranger to Belfast.

Yeah. I've been here three times in the last month.

I love it. It's a great city.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's a great city!

So what have you been doing here?

I've been doing a show called Solitary for...Channel 5.

It's kind of loosely related to this, it's figuring out...

It's like an antisocial experiment, figuring out how people cope

when you disconnect them from everything.

So they've got no computer, no social media, no telephone,

no family, no TV, etc, etc.

So it's essentially internment.

Yeah!

You also have family here, though.

I do have family. I've been hanging out with...

I've got cousins who live in Lenadoon...and so...

LAUGHTER

I've been hanging out with them.

Now, do you know where Lenadoon is?

No, I don't, at all.

It's a very posh part of...

LAUGHTER

..of Belfast.

I got tweeted. Somebody said,

"I think I've just seen George Lamb in Lenadoon.

"Are you lost, buddy?"

Well, believe it or not,

you all have something in common

because, online, you all started Twitter in 2011.

-Mm. Good year.

-Now, Dennis, we all know that you have owned Twitter.

-Owned it?

-Yes, here we go.

Here's your first tweet...

And since then you haven't tweeted that much.

I haven't drank either!

No, I still do the odd tweet, but not as much as I used to do.

Now, Vogue, can you remember your first tweet?

-No.

-Here it is.

"Twitter, do not take over my life!"

Yeah, that worked.

How many tweets have you sent?

Since 2011?

Oh, God...

Five years, I don't know.

Loads.

22,000 tweets.

22,000?!

What are you tweeting about?!

Now, that is an average of ten tweets a day.

That's so embarrassing!

That's why I'm single - I'm too busy on Twitter.

You know, Snapchat's actually great for that,

especially when you're single,

you get a little look at something every day!

LAUGHTER

Talk us through this.

So on Snapchat, like, I have mine open so people, like,

can comment to me, but sometimes, like, practically every day,

you get a dick shot.

Like, every day.

And some of them are hideous and I'm like,

"How could you send someone that?"

Think that was going to be the conversation starter.

-"Hey!"

-Yes, bingo!

I'm in!

Did you say a TRICK shot?

Yeah!

APPLAUSE

Yeah.

-Now, George...

-Yes.

This is very, very sweet

because the first person that you followed on Twitter was...

-..your dad.

-My dad, OK.

-Great.

-There he is.

There is Larry.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, we have to talk about this, your dad is in I'm A Celebrity...

-He is indeed.

-..at the moment.

-Yeah.

-This show doesn't go out until after it's all over,

so what we want to do is just to get a few answers from you...

-OK, then you cut in...

-Then we'll cut them in, just to make it look

-like we know what we're talking about.

-No problem.

-So, you take that.

-Right.

So here we go, we'll just cut this in.

So, George, you know, we all know your dad was in I'm A Celebrity,

that was unbelievable.

Yeah, well, you know what, Pat, I'm so proud of my dad winning Celebrity

and being King of the Jungle.

You know, he was brilliant in there and erm...

and it was great that everybody got to know the real him.

We need another one, just...

So, George, your dad was in I'm A Celebrity last year,

that was unbelievable!

Yeah, well, I'd like to apologise for the filthy behaviour...

And what he did to that kangaroo was completely...

..completely out of order.

And we're all wishing him well for the court case, so...

Just one more.

So your dad was in I'm a Celebrity last year, that was unbelievable!

Yeah. You know, we had no idea how well he was going to get on with

Carol Vorderman and erm...

..we're all looking forward to the big day, actually,

and I can't wait to finally call Carol "Mummy", so that's...

..ideal.

APPLAUSE

OK. George, let's check out some of your sites.

-Yes.

-Now, this one is a recent favourite.

It's huge. Colour therapy glasses.

Momentum98.

-Yeah.

-So what is this?

So they're colour therapy glasses, and they're incredible,

they change your life. It's like healing through colour.

And you put them on, and you wear them for, like, half an hour a day,

and honestly... I like the yellow ones,

they genuinely make you a happier person.

It's like sunshine in your pocket.

Like, another gloomy day in Belfast, whip 'em out,

half an hour later, you're, like, everything's fine.

So basically it's like taking an E.

Yes. But you can still hold it together.

Yeah.

Let's have a little look at them, here they are...

-Yeah.

-I won the Masters with a pair of multicoloured spectacles

and I had all those colours in my glasses.

APPLAUSE

Actually when I bought them, I was like,

they're a bit like Dennis Taylor glasses, do you know what I mean?

Well, you actually did, you bought a pair. Here you are in them.

There's me.

Looking quite cool!

-We have some here.

-Of course you do.

See, YOU look cool in them...

I pop these on,

I look like a Poundland Bono.

APPLAUSE

Now, we were actually going to get the whole audience glasses,

but they only had orange and green left,

and we weren't sure what type... LAUGHTER

We weren't sure what type of mood that would put you in.

So what am I meant to be feeling here, George?

Horny, at the beginning,

and then it'll just work through to euphoria, basically.

-I've got the first bit...

-Yeah.

Just keep 'em on for the rest of the show, you'll be golden. OK.

The official explanation from the website says...

"Colour therapy is simply the therapy of using colours to heal.

"Colours vibrate true to frequency.

"It never deviates, but people deviate."

I feel like you're mocking me here, Patrick.

I haven't come all this way to be mocked

about my yellow glasses, mate.

Have you ever replied to an e-mail from a Nigerian prince?

I promise you, you take them home after the show,

and we'll speak next week, and you'll be a far happier man.

-So how long do I have to keep them on for?

-Half an hour a day.

Cos the website is very, very strict about this.

-Yeah.

-They say...

The colour therapy glasses can be worn daily for 30-60 minutes,

or you can wear them as long as you like.

But it's a 30 to 60-minute minimum.

Here we go. So, Vogue, do you want to...?

-What does red do?

-Are these the angry ones? They're probably angry.

No, they get you in a good mood.

Oh, I don't want to be sad. I'll have the...

None of them are sad, none of them are sad. I'll take them, happily.

-You want those ones?

-Yeah.

-I'd half believe this.

-I can't feel... My eyes are not too good!

I rang the optician yesterday, he said, "I can't see you today."

I thought, "Well, he's not very good."

APPLAUSE

Stick those on next time you're in the commentary box.

"There he is, there's Ronnie O'Sullivan, he's potted 15 greens...

"He's only got six greens to go."

OK, here we go.

If you want to hop in here, we'll get a pic of everybody, hang on.

Hop in, everybody, hop in, this is good.

And... Nice!

Oh, lovely. Oh, I like it.

That's a pretty good snooker stance you've got there, Patrick.

That's not bad. That's nice.

-That's great!

-Oh, I'm definitely keeping these.

-What do you think?

-I love them.

I think that's a very good look, so what we'll do is

we'll just edit this,

and we'll put this out to publicise the show, so we'll just...

There we go.

There we go, and then...

There we go, we'll tweet that. Let's tweet that!

APPLAUSE

Now, Dennis, let's talk about your online shopping

because there's one or two things that you've bought

that you may not remember, but it's in here, and...

It's got me slightly confused.

It's got me confused as well.

You bought this.

This is the St Patrick's Day Pot of Gold at the End of a Rainbow

-cookie cutter.

-Yeah, cookie cutter.

We actually have it here and I think I've lost my appetite.

Now, Dennis, I've heard of a Hobnob, but...

..what's going on here?

It just fascinated me.

It wasn't the picture, it was just how it was described.

Looks a little bit Ann Summers.

Have you anything to say in your defence here?

Well, it just... It looks... you know...

It reminds me every time I have a shower!

OK, Vogue...

You also do a little bit of Internet shopping yourself.

-Mm-hm.

-And I found something on there which...

It's not as disturbing as Dennis's purchase.

-No.

-But it's close.

Oh, yeah.

SHE LAUGHS

Now, this is called the Licky Brush.

It's brilliant!

What in the name of God is this?

I would just like to say I don't have a cat, by the way,

-so that is not...

-That's even weirder!

What the fuck are you doing?!

Buying a Licky Brush, you don't even have a cat,

have you lost your mind?!

This is what it is.

This is the prototype, so they've sent it to us.

I've got four Standard Poodles.

Can you use it on a dog?

-I think you can.

-You can do whatever you like, Dennis.

So I think it's used something like this, so...

LAUGHTER

"Ah, Mr Bond...

"I HAVEN'T been expecting you, that's why I'm licking my cat."

So this is actually meant to help you bond.

-With your cat.

-With your cat.

Cos cats are arseholes,

so you want to... You have to get in there any way you can with them.

Now, I have to say this doesn't work with all cats.

I tried this at home and it didn't go down well.

APPLAUSE

OK!

"Dear BBC,

"please get that Irish prick off my telly"

is just one of the things the internet says about me.

But what does it say about our guests?

Let's find out, in the part of the show that we call

Things The Internet Says About You.

Vogue, do you look yourself up much online?

-I'll always read comments - I can't help myself.

-Really?

And they're violent. Yeah.

Why put yourself through that?

I don't know. Cos if I don't read them, my mum'll ring and say,

"Did you see what they were saying about you?"

And I'm like, "No, but now I'm going to go and look!"

So does it wind you up, then, George,

when you read stuff about yourself that ISN'T true?

I stopped looking, I definitely stopped looking at, like,

what people write about me a long time ago.

Of course you do it at the beginning and you have a little look

and then it's horrific,

and you're like, "Ah, this is horrible, I feel terrible."

So I haven't done it for many years.

One of the things that we found about you on the interweb machine

was this...

Well, that is 100% true.

I'm like Samson, that's where it all comes from.

You probably have the best hair...

-You're very kind, sir.

-..in Britain, I would say.

-Thank you.

-This was it in its... earlier days.

-Right, OK.

-See?

-When did it start going grey?

-16.

-16?

-16, yeah. Not like, not full-on, but at 16 I started getting greys.

And it wasn't cool, then. I wasn't into it at all.

I was like, "Shit, Mum, look! What's happening?!"

And then by 20, my mid-20s, about 25-26, it all really started going.

But then I was like, "Yes, let's go with this."

It's a very, very cool, sexy look, isn't it?

I definitely wouldn't mind that, yeah! It wouldn't...

It wouldn't matter what colour it was!

Well, what we can do, Dennis, we can actually have a little look

and see what you would look like with it.

God, I look like one of my aunts that I lived with in England!

This is me with your hair.

Doesn't work! It's just your thing. This is you with my hair.

There we are!

Donald Trump, the early years!

You have been in a number of polls.

-Yes.

-I have to say, you've done quite well on these lists.

You were on the Britain's Most Eligible Bachelor list

a few years back.

Also on the list, Jamie Dornan...

SOME OOHS

Guy Ritchie, Jude Law, Jenson Button.

Where do you think he was, Dennis, in relation to those guys?

They're all pretty good-looking guys, aren't they?

But George would be up there.

I would certainly have him in my top three.

Thank you, Dennis, you're very kind!

APPLAUSE

OK, well, look, let's play a little game, here.

On the list of eligible bachelors,

did George come higher or lower on the list than this man?

Is George higher or lower on the list than Simon Cowell?

-What do we think? ALL:

-Higher!

Even though I had George in my top three, I would say lower!

This is turning into a weird party, Dennis!

Was he higher on the list than Simon Cowell?

He was!

APPLAUSE

Next up, we have...

-..Russell Brand.

-Definitely higher.

-ALL:

-Higher.

Higher than Russell Brand?

Is correct!

APPLAUSE

OK, so this is for the caravan and the speedboat!

Was he higher than this man?

Oh!

Oh, everyone wants to be a princess!

Yeah. Me, too!

Oh, that's a real hard...

-Like, you're better looking than him as well.

-What do we think, audience?

AUDIENCE SHOUT You're going lower.

For the match!

Yeah! He was lower!

So, I can tell you that on this list, George,

Prince Harry was number one.

George Lamb, number two.

Oh, my God!

AUDIENCE OOHS AND APPLAUDS

What are we applauding?! What are we applauding?!

You're so good-looking!

Dennis, this is something we found about you.

PLEASE tell me this is true!

LAUGHING: Dennis Taylor was married to Carol Vorderman.

It's on the internet for some reason.

I don't know how that got onto the internet

because I remember doing the show with Carol, you know, Countdown.

I did it a good few years ago.

And I remember saying to Carol, I said,

"I was watching you last week on Countdown, Carol,

"and I got aroused."

And she said... She said, "Thank you, Dennis."

I said, "Yeah, seven letters!"

APPLAUSE

There's nothing wrong with that one!

Time, now, to go viral

and check out the internet clips that have caught your eye.

Vogue, this is one that you watched quite a lot.

Don't make unnecessary journeys!

Don't take risks on treacherous roads!

And don't swim in the sea!

Incredibly, people have been spotted in the water here in Blackrock

in Salthill, both today and yesterday.

Galway City Council say their actions are idiotic.

Not only are they putting their lives in danger,

but it is unacceptable and unforgivable

to put the lives of people in the rescue services at danger as well.

APPLAUSE

The Irish summer, hey?

Look, it wasn't even that bad.

It's just her, that she's constantly spitting into the mic and stuff.

She's just really making a big deal of it!

Yeah, what's weird about this is that she's basically saying,

"Don't go out, it's terrible, it's awful,

"don't make any unnecessary journeys."

She's the only one out!

Everybody else is in their car going, "Who's that mad bitch?!"

We also have this one that you looked at a few times, Vogue.

LAUGHTER

Oh, come on!

Irish people laughing at someone because they can't walk straight,

come on!

What is going on here?

She almost made it, that's impressive, I think,

-but also hilarious.

-She did.

-Yeah.

-What do we think it was?

Do we think it was the shoes, was it the technique?

I think she must have been trying to do some really cool walk

because the shoes just weren't that high.

Does she take a drink?

So you've done a bit of modelling.

When you look at that, do you feel sorry for her?

You don't, you're breaking your hoop laughing, aren't you?

She's got to work harder at walking in heels.

Look at these. I can walk in them, they're really high.

They are quite high. What are they?

-Four inches.

-No, that's more than four inches, I can tell you that.

No, honestly. Let me see.

-APPLAUSE

-Oh, God!

I love being with Dennis,

I feel like I'm in the '80s again, it's amazing!

I love the fact, George, it's wintertime,

you're just bossing runners, no socks.

No socks, mate, no socks, yeah.

But are your wee pinkies not cold?

Yup, they are.

I try not to wear socks, I don't know, I'm not into them.

I had four weeks in India and I didn't wear any socks,

but I did it because my feet were warm, that's why!

We were doing a series for the BBC,

it was eight pensioners going to India

called The Real Marigold Hotel.

Did anybody watch the last...?

And it's what you would do if you retired to India,

and it was absolutely fascinating.

But what they did do, Patrick, they took me up to Ooty,

because the game of snooker originated in India in 1875,

-and I knew that.

-Who were you playing?

APPLAUSE

And I didn't know it was going to happen, but they took me up to Ooty,

which is 6,000 feet up,

and the club where the game of snooker was invented,

they let me into the club, quite an exclusive club,

and the table is still there,

and I got to play on the table

where the first game of snooker was invented.

And, believe it or not, it was a Sir Neville Chamberlain

that invented snooker

and he was Irish.

So it was an Irishman that invented snooker,

so that's something new for you.

APPLAUSE

Now, you can tell a lot about a person from what they say,

but a lot more from what they Google.

It's time for your top internet searches.

Let's start with Vogue.

Here we go.

Can you die of a hangover? SHE LAUGHS

You really don't need to ask the internet - can you die of a hangover?

If you could die from a hangover,

you'd be sitting here on your own with an empty studio!

Let's be honest!

Is the Dalai Lama a group of people?

Yeah. Like, I have two degrees, so you know I'm not stupid!

But I have these moments where I say stupid things,

and someone was talking about the Dalai Lama,

and I thought they were a group of people.

But then I realised... Well, they told me,

is it only one person or have I got mixed around again?

It's two people.

-No, it's one person!

-LAUGHTER

How does Warhorse end?

I'm not the best at watching movies,

so I usually Google the end of a movie

if I'm watching it with somebody,

so then I know what's going to happen, so I don't get caught out.

So you've never seen the controversial sex scene

between Tom Hiddleston and Joey the horse at the end of this, no?

Is Tom Hiddleston in that?

No, he's not.

Tom Hiddleston's in that.

-Is he?

-Yes.

He's playing the Dalai Lama, or one half of!

I'm going to go and Google that Dalai Lama thing myself

when I leave here because I can't trust anyone!

I'm in the new remake of Lassie!

For our viewers watching in black and white...

I'm playing the lead, that's what I'm playing!

APPLAUSE

So, Dennis, we looked at a lot of your favourite sites,

one that did catch our eye involved Las Vegas,

a woman in high heels and someone bent over a table.

Does this ring any bells?

Um... I think I know what it is.

-I think I know what it is.

-OK.

It's this.

Venom, he's a legend.

SLOW-MO BREATH

DRUM N BASS PLAYS

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Now, he's very good.

I mean, nobody there was looking at the woman on the table at all.

We were all engrossed in the man's skills!

He's a total genius.

And, I mean, the girls don't mean anything to me now.

At my age, you're not looking at the girls.

I mean, I remember, I shouldn't say this really, but I...

I went on a site and it was, you know, one of them sites,

one of them funny sites...

There was a little bit of porn there and...

I knew I was finished when I was looking at it

and I said to myself, "God, that bed looks comfortable!"

I would say he is the best trick shot player I have ever seen.

He is incredible, what he can do with that snooker cue.

Absolutely incredible.

LAUGHTER

I mean, come on!

Now, the man himself is actually on a plane as we speak.

But he is also a huge fan of you.

-You're kidding.

-I am, so...

I'm sorry, I'm not!

But he sent you this message.

Hi, Dennis, it's Florian.

I'm a big fan of yours, I watch many of your videos online.

It's actually pretty surprising

and such an honour that you watch my stuff,

and I'm really hoping you can show me some of your new trick shots.

-Wow!

-APPLAUSE

Well, he actually wants you to show him some tricks,

so are you up for the challenge, Dennis?

I've got one that I might be able to show him.

We have got our snooker table,

we have got our trick shot wizard Dennis Taylor.

All we need now is a sexy assistant.

Now, George, you used to do a little bit of modelling.

Vogue, you also sometimes do a little bit of modelling still.

So, let's have a little chat and see who's going to help Dennis.

APPLAUSE

And, to help me out with this fantastic trick shot,

would you please welcome my glamorous assistant

Patrick Kielty!

APPLAUSE

WOLF WHISTLES

CHEERING

So, Dennis, where do you want me?

I don't know now, I'm a bag of nerves!

All you've got to do is you sit on the table,

throw your legs over the end,

lie down with your head about here,

looking up at the ceiling.

It's as simple as that. And you look absolutely stunning!

I've done that a few nights, Dennis, so...

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

That's absolutely perfect!

I think we might have three pinks, Dennis!

I've...

I've got the white on a block of chalk here.

And if you could just bite that for me, Patrick, could you?

Looking straight up.

Yup.

And the black.

Right, now, the black's in a tricky position as well.

Now, I've got to pot the black out of...

Sorry, what was your first name again?

Black out of Patrick's mouth, in the top pocket.

You'll have to keep quiet, Patrick.

ALL: Oooh....

YES!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

THEY LAUGH

That's all we've got time for tonight! Here's your devices back.

Thank you very much. There you go, Dennis, to Vogue, to George.

Come on, give them a round of applause!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Dennis Taylor, Vogue Williams and George Lamb!

We'll see you next time on Delete, Delete, Delete.

Goodnight!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE