Episode 2 Delete, Delete, Delete


Episode 2

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you. Thank you.

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Welcome to Delete, Delete, Delete,

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where tonight three more brave souls let their laptops confess

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what they've been up to online.

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Yes, for the next half-hour I'll be Father Paddy and at the end of

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the show I'll decide who gets absolution and who gets my phone number.

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So, say a prayer for all on board as we welcome tonight's guests.

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First up, one of Britain's brightest comedians who once won Celebrity Mastermind.

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His specialist subject tonight is his own Internet history

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so don't be surprised if he decides to pass on a few questions later.

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Please welcome the brilliant Russell Kane.

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CHEERING

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Next up, a fantastic comedian and writer whose family left Iran when

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she was just a kid to escape the political and religious intolerance.

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Thank God nothing like that could ever happen here.

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Please welcome the fabulous Shappi Khorsandi.

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CHEERING

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Thanks.

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-Good to see you.

-Thank you. Hello there.

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Oh!

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And finally, a man who's become a national treasure ever since he

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told us he can get absolutely anyone to sing.

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Although I know a few boys who spent the night in Belfast Police custody

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who would beg to differ.

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Please make some noise, but try to be in tune, for Mr Gareth Malone.

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CHEERING

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Hello!

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Hey, how are you doing? Are you well?

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I'm all right.

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That's fine. Go on.

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I love that Gareth came on and held that almost like a choir book that's

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going to be opened and we're going to have a little sing.

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We'd like to welcome you. Thanks for doing this.

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And, of course, welcome to Belfast.

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-Thank you.

-Gareth, of course, you have Irish family.

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I do, yeah.

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I did a Who Do You Think You Are last year and discovered that I'm

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a little bit Irish.

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With a name like Malone it's not a massive surprise, is it, really?

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That would be a short episode of Poirot, wouldn't it?

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How much Irish are you?

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Oh, at least 35%.

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And whereabouts in Ireland are the family from?

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-Erm, The south.

-The south?

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LAUGHTER

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The other bit.

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Keep it vague. Keep it vague.

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Generally the green bit.

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The green bit?

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-This is going to go very well.

-Shall I go?

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I mean, you don't need to go. I'm sure there'll be a couple of people

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in the audience who'll be happy to take you away.

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You must have played here a few times, have you?

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Oh, man. I mean, on this tour I've been to Northern Ireland twice already.

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I've been to Cookstown and Strabane.

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And I'll be coming back to Belfast next year for a lasting gig.

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Who booked this tour?

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I mean... Cookstown and Strabane.

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Strabane was awesome.

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The thing is, what I find is the towns that people take the mick out of most,

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they're always the ones with the most laughter to be released.

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When you're a new comic it is scary playing Northern Ireland,

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because, as an accent, it's one of my favourite accents,

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but for an English person it's hard to read what mood the speaker is in.

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Because it always turns out...

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"I'm absolutely filled with love and admiration at the moment."

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And you're like, "Please, don't hurt me."

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"I'm currently depressed. I'm currently happy."

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And you're never quite sure where you stand.

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But eventually you get used to it and now I love it.

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The Belfast audience are always well up for it.

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OK, we'll start with you, Gareth.

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-OK.

-You have a very loyal following, shall we say, on Twitter?

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But some quite like to overshare.

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"I had a sex dream about Gareth Malone last night.

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"In my dream he couldn't get it up, poor chap."

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LAUGHTER

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-Is this the point...

-I'm just thinking about my mum and what

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she's going to say.

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I'm glad you got to the end of that sentence quickly!

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"And what she's going to say!"

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I thought Dr Freud was going to burst onto the stage then.

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Yeah, that's an interesting one.

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-Yes.

-I mean, ridiculous.

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-Have you seen this tweet?

-Yeah, I did notice that one, yeah.

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We also have this one.

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"It was pretty emotional, not going to lie."

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At least you're not having sex in that one.

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-I know.

-Or failing to.

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No. I mean, it's not entirely representative.

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I do have some that say, you know, I enjoyed the choir.

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Now, Shappi, your tweets are a little bit more reserved.

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-Are they?

-You sent this.

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There it is. And this is the picture.

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Oh, that is great. That looks pretty good.

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I tell you what, I don't know how long ago...

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That tweet is at least, I think, six weeks old.

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My car is still there.

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LAUGHTER

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When you park that beautifully, you don't move it.

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How long did it take you to get in and out of that space?

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Was that a one-shot?

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-Was that a reverse park?

-OK, I'm going to pretend...

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-Handbrake turn.

-..that there were cars on either side.

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-But there weren't?

-Well, I...

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-Did you have somebody coming in with those... like at the airport?

-No.

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It was good. I was all right. I did it, it was fine.

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But now I overthink it.

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And yesterday it took me half an hour to park because I got all confused.

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It was really frustrating.

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I live in a really close-knit neighbourhood and for London it's

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really friendly and the neighbours came out to watch me park.

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Oh, I hate that. That's the worst. I can't bear being watched.

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At first I thought it was in a supportive way but it was, like,

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to check their cars were all right.

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-Now, Russell, very busy boy...

-Yeah.

-..on the social media.

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-Quite a lot of followers. 250,000 fans...

-What?

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AUDIENCE: OOH!

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..on Facebook. 750,000 followers on Twitter.

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Yes, so, talking about Facebook and everything

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I was on a first-class train.

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Again, not showing off, but I was.

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And this lady gets on.

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I don't know if she's had a bad day or what was going on.

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But every time I got bag down or opened a noisy snack, she was like,

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"Oh, tut! Oh, tut!" Like, just getting really annoyed unnecessarily.

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So, I've just gone on my Facebook.

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It's like digital diarrhoea. You just describe every part of your life.

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I've gone, "Miserable old crone opposite me with a librarian's haircut..." -

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I don't know what that meant - "..tutting every time I move."

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"What's your problem?" And then I put #biatch, or something like that.

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And then, anyway, what I didn't know was happening at the same time was

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this woman, as well as having a bad day, had vaguely sort of...

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She's like, "Who is this person opposite me? Is it...?

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"I know him off... Is he a telly...? "Is he a presenter?"

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She's put, "Russell Kane"!

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And one of the first things that comes up, of course, is my Facebook page...

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LAUGHTER

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..which she has clicked and seen update three minutes ago, you know.

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"Old crone with a librarian's haircut tutting."

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And she's just gone in.

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"I'm not an old crone, thank you very much.

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"I've had a very bad day because I've been visiting a friend in London

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"who's had some terrible news. I hadn't even noticed you.

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"And my haircut isn't a librarian's haircut."

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So I was just thinking off the top of my head, trying to make a lie.

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I was, like, "Oh, my God, I can't believe you think that's about you.

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"No, I, er..." And this woman's believed me.

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So then I quickly write another one five minutes later.

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"Just spilled coffee all over myself," when I hadn't,

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just to make the story look more convincing.

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Then she got off in York and I was on my way to Edinburgh.

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I just sank into the seat.

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I couldn't believe it was over. Then about five minutes later I looked on

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my Facebook wall again and underneath it other people on the carriage

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were like, "Can't believe you got away with that. That was a close one, mate..."

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LAUGHTER

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Now, Shappi, you've spent quite a bit of time on this site.

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This is the Humanist Association.

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You are the President of the British Humanist Association.

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-I am, yes.

-And what do humanists believe?

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Well, humanists don't believe in a higher power.

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Because I'm an atheist, when you haven't been raised with religion,

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you're a bit like, "Sorry, everyone."

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You're sort of like left out of a lot of moral discussion and

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philosophical discussion.

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So, it was kind of good to meet other atheists.

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And humanists are an organisation and we campaign for the voice,

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the secular voice to be heard.

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Wow. And are you a Catholic humanist or a Protestant humanist?

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LAUGHTER

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I'm sensing that that's the question that the audience really want to know.

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Depends where in the country I am.

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There you go.

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I went to register my daughter's birth.

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The form you get with your name and address, the father's name was blank,

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and the temptation to write Farage was almost overwhelming.

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And I noticed in one box in block capitals they had stamped, bam, Islam.

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So I said, "This is outrageous," and the receptionist was lovely.

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She goes, "You know you can complain about this?"

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I was like, "Oh, yes, I will. And this will not be a tweet.

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"This will be an actual e-mail."

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And she sat down and patted my hand a bit and then she goes,

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"I am very surprised, though,

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"because usually in that box they just write the doctor's name."

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Dr Islam was the man that brought my daughter safely into the world.

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GROANS AND APPLAUSE

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Er, so, let's have a little look at your viral videos.

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Russell, this one caught your eye.

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-What a party that was.

-Yeah. There it is.

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First time I saw that I was actually doing something on TV and I watched

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it during some downtime. I had to have all my make-up redone.

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I was in absolute pieces.

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It's just the way they start coyly and they keep building towards

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something that looks more like a poo.

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And in the end, hot dogs!

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Is this something that you would have in your own house?

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Er, I don't know.

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I mean, if you've got a Quattro Flush it says something about you, doesn't it?

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It says that you are laying serious cable.

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That's what it says.

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What was quite funny was that we were watching this and I could

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see a few people in the audience, and one or two were going, what is that?

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And there was one or two going...

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-Yeah, exactly.

-"You need that, darling."

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Yes! My favourite of yours, though, was this.

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Must be over there.

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It's not a very good game.

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O-o-oh!

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SHE SCREAMS

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TAKE IT OFF!

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So these are virtual reality headsets and this is a grandmother

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from Portadown who has put that on and they've basically taken her on a

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tour of Portadown.

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That's essentially what's happened there.

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-On a Friday night.

-In daylight. Like this.

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Have you been on one of the new ones that have just come out in the last few months?

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-No, are they good?

-The new generation. Who's been on them?

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It's a lot more realistic than you're expecting.

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-I've never done that.

-A lot of people, if there's part of the game

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where you have a roller-coaster action, a lot of people get motion sickness.

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You totally and utterly believe.

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It used to be quite laggy.

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-It's not at all.

-And it was like you had mogadon.

-No, it is scary.

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-The horror ones are terrifying.

-Are there games?

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I do some Imodium before I go on my one,

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that's how scary it is.

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Just to be on the safe side.

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It's all right because you've got the right toilet.

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The right toilet, I know! Wow, wow, wow!

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Is this something that you've tried with your own family?

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My mum's a bit of a technophobe so I've had to teach her how to use...

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She can't even master Skype.

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When Skype connects my mum's always really close to it so just an eye

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is there first. You don't look through it.

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She was looking through the camera. "Russ, are you in there?!"

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So, I don't know what would happen on that. Her brain would probably explode.

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So, what is it? You basically watch any clip on it or are there special clips?

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-It's games, there's games...

-Oh, it's games?

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Just like a regular video game, say like, the Sigourney Weaver Alien franchise.

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Normally you'd have been sitting with a little controller and it was

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still scary, but you put the mask on, you put the earphones on,

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and there's another little receiver on the monitor so that when you look

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around, if you look behind you,

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you can look over your shoulder and there will be an alien, like...

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And you're like that... It is really scary.

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What if you have a burglar?

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What if, like, a murderer comes into your house?

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You just wake up and all your stuff's gone.

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"That was a really good session! Where's my stuff? Where's my stuff?"

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And you can buy gloves now and feet,

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and inevitably you can guess what's come out recently.

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Teenage boys need never be lonely again.

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-You can now buy...

-No!

-Yes.

-No!

-Yes, you can buy accessories for

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all parts of the body.

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And that's it, liberation from adolescence for teenage boys.

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-No, no, no, no, hang on, so...

-Do I really need to go further?

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No, no, you do because I'm not sure how this works.

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Ironically this one turns you blind and you can't use the rest of the equipment.

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Wow. That exists.

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It's just a matter of... If you invent a virtual reality technology

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for men what do you think they're going to bloody do with it?

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"I'm going to do some good deeds and build a village in Cambodia."

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No!

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I'm going to go at myself like a sewing machine in a power surge.

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OK, now for the questions that you've been asking your computers in

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-the privacy of your own home.

-No! This is the bit I've been dreading.

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-Let's start with you, Russell.

-Mine are quite boring.

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"Baby proofing. Pug/Chihuahua cross.

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"Is it dangerous to eat just fat?

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"Six packs. Do men look better with chest hair?"

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-These are all genuine.

-"Can a fox mate with a dog?"

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Yeah. Well...

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I've got a one-year-old so the babyproofing's pretty straightforward.

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I'm just baby proofing the house, so that's fair.

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I don't think there's anything embarrassing there.

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I have a ten-month-old so I'm in the same boat.

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-Nine-year-old, same.

-My daughter picked up the open bottle of bleach

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at about ten months. That was an exciting moment.

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-Why was it open?

-I had just left it for a second.

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-They tell you off at the hospital.

-He was just heading out, and said,

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"I'll tell you what, can you just clean the kitchen? I'll be back in ten minutes."

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Pug/Chihuahua cross?

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Yeah, because I've got Colin, I love him to pieces, and Janet,

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my other pug, I love them both.

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Are there any pug owners in the audience?

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They're a bit prone to, like,

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you let them off the lead over the park and you can't tell them off or

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they have a fit. They have like a nuclear deterrent.

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They go, if you discipline me I'll stick my tongue out, do a jet of wee

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and have an epileptic fit, so just let me do what I want.

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They're impossible to train, pugs, as well.

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-Yeah.

-You'll see people who've got impressive dog breeds,

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like normal dogs, like labradors or setters.

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I never find it amazing when those dogs obey because they're born to obey.

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It's like, what can I do next? Bag of treats?

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"Keep them, mate, I'm just happy to be working.

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"In this environment I'm just happy to be working.

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"What's that? I've got it."

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Right? Whereas with a pug, the most you get with a pug is,

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"I'll tell you what, how about as a compromise I'll shit in the porch instead?"

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So I was searching to see what crossbreeds there were that were

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still small, and the Chihuahuas are quite biddable.

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It's called a chug, by the way. I now know what that's called. A chug.

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And a fox that mates with a dog.

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I don't know why. I've always had this nerdy interest and obsession

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with crossbreeds. Like, you can mate a lion with a tiger and it's called

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a liger. Have you ever seen a picture of one?

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They're bigger than a lion and a tiger. I just, I don't know why.

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So, what was the answer? Can you?

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You can't because they don't have the correct number of chromosomes

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to match up so there's no such thing as a dox.

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I was gutted.

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Gareth, these are your searches.

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"Who is Nicki Minaj?"

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-What is Nicki Minaj?

-Why is?

0:17:120:17:14

A dirty stop-out is the answer to that.

0:17:140:17:17

"What's the difference between the Kardashians and the Jonas Brothers?"

0:17:170:17:20

What's the difference between them? What do you mean?

0:17:200:17:22

Well, not in the sense... I know they're different families

0:17:220:17:25

but I don't know which one is which.

0:17:250:17:28

The Kardashians have massive arses, the Jonas Brothers are.

0:17:280:17:31

Oh, I see. Thank you for sorting that one out.

0:17:310:17:35

APPLAUSE

0:17:350:17:37

"Industrial lint roller with lasers."

0:17:380:17:41

I've just got this sort of,

0:17:410:17:43

you know when you buy a new jumper and it's just beautiful and smooth,

0:17:430:17:48

and then quickly it's bobbly?

0:17:480:17:50

I absolutely abhor bobbles.

0:17:500:17:52

Why haven't they got lasers in on this?

0:17:520:17:55

-You would laser hair? You would...

-Look, I've got them on these socks.

0:17:550:17:58

They're already... The socks are going to have to go.

0:17:580:18:00

-I noticed them, actually.

-There's a bobble.

0:18:000:18:03

So either I pay somebody to de-bobble all my jumpers, or I get a laser.

0:18:030:18:07

That's the poshest thing I've ever heard in my life.

0:18:070:18:10

"Excuse me, Jeeves, would you de-bobble my jumpers, please?"

0:18:100:18:13

That is the most... "Sorry, sir."

0:18:140:18:16

Surely somebody must provide this service.

0:18:160:18:19

No?

0:18:190:18:20

Am I alone here?

0:18:200:18:21

I don't know. How do we..?

0:18:210:18:24

"When should my baby roll over?

0:18:260:18:28

"When will my baby talk?"

0:18:280:18:29

Now, are these genuine questions, or 1950s jazz numbers?

0:18:290:18:32

I think that's just typical dad...

0:18:370:18:40

Either my child is a genius or there's something developmentally wrong.

0:18:400:18:45

Because, you don't really get any signs, do you?

0:18:450:18:47

They come out and they just go, "Bah!"

0:18:470:18:49

And you're not like... You're looking for signs of intelligence.

0:18:490:18:52

Are you like, "That was a C, perfect. Now try a D?"

0:18:520:18:56

Yeah.

0:18:560:18:58

Am I alone here?

0:18:580:18:59

OK, yeah. And again. Aah.

0:18:590:19:01

I mean, I was, yes.

0:19:030:19:04

I was. And they would go, "Waah"... Ding, ding, ding.

0:19:040:19:08

OK, "If he loves LA so much, why doesn't that wanker just stay over there?"

0:19:110:19:15

is just one of the things the internet says about me.

0:19:150:19:17

But what does it say about our guests?

0:19:180:19:20

Let's find out with things the internet says about you.

0:19:200:19:24

-Oh, no.

-Here we go.

0:19:240:19:25

-So, Russell.

-Yes.

0:19:250:19:27

We've found this.

0:19:270:19:29

Russell Kane found his wife online.

0:19:290:19:31

Right. I was almost single.

0:19:310:19:34

I was coming out of a relationship, blah, blah, blah.

0:19:340:19:36

I've gone on that. It was hard enough doing tour shows that week anyway

0:19:360:19:39

when you're all upset. I went on, beautiful girl in the front row of my show, yeah.

0:19:390:19:42

She was wearing - this beautiful girl, who turned out to be called Lindsey -

0:19:440:19:47

what looked like a fur to me, which I'm not a massive fan of.

0:19:470:19:50

It was fake fur but I didn't let that stop me pretending it was real fur

0:19:500:19:53

to the rest of the audience. I took it off her and asked her where's she from.

0:19:530:19:56

I was up North and she was like,

0:19:560:19:58

"I'm from Manchester," but trying to be like a posh version of Manchester.

0:19:580:20:01

So I was making fun of that. I basically did a routine where I implied

0:20:010:20:03

that she was so posh that when she waxed her body mink fur came off it.

0:20:030:20:08

I was laying in various positions on stage going,

0:20:080:20:10

"My minky's come clean off," like that, and just being juvenile.

0:20:100:20:14

Got to the end of the gig, great show, audience left.

0:20:140:20:16

I said to my tour manager, "There's a girl, I've really just felt

0:20:160:20:19

"a connection to in the front row. I was making fun of her.

0:20:190:20:21

"Just see if she's out there."

0:20:210:20:22

A bit naughty, I shouldn't have said it. But she wasn't. She'd gone.

0:20:220:20:25

I thought, "I bet I never see that girl again."

0:20:250:20:28

Cut to a week later when the dust has settled a bit more emotionally,

0:20:280:20:31

and I'm on tour, and I just tweeted -

0:20:310:20:33

you could probably find the tweet if you look for it...

0:20:330:20:35

I think we actually have it here.

0:20:350:20:37

I didn't put the venue.

0:20:370:20:39

I just tweeted the word "minky".

0:20:390:20:41

-Oh, that's adorable.

-A week later...

-What a romantic.

0:20:410:20:43

-A week later, I get...

-LAUGHTER

0:20:430:20:46

..I get a message from a girl saying,

0:20:460:20:48

"Is this about my friend, when you made fun of her on stage?"

0:20:480:20:51

I was like, "Yeah, do you know her?" "Yes, it's this girl." Bang, bang, bang.

0:20:510:20:54

Follow, follow, follow. We just went and met and she was there

0:20:540:20:58

and it was the first date and I was really nervous.

0:20:580:21:00

My heart was beating. I knew it was something more than that.

0:21:000:21:02

And she sat down and she was like, "You know what,

0:21:020:21:04

"I'm just going to tell you this, just cos you're staying in a hotel in Manchester,

0:21:040:21:07

"nothing's going to happen tonight, I'm not that type of girl.

0:21:070:21:10

"We can have a drink and that's all that's going to happen.

0:21:100:21:13

"I don't know what you normally do with your girls on tour."

0:21:130:21:15

I've never forgot that phrase cos when she left in a wheelchair the next morning...

0:21:150:21:18

-LAUGHTER

-..it was really...

0:21:180:21:22

It was all that was ringing through my head.

0:21:220:21:24

She did genuinely say that.

0:21:260:21:27

She didn't leave in a wheelchair.

0:21:270:21:28

I was very respectful. Nothing like that happened on the first date.

0:21:280:21:31

We had a kiss and that was it.

0:21:310:21:32

So we carried on like this till the August and then I went,

0:21:320:21:35

"Aw, I'm in love, I love you."

0:21:350:21:36

-Now we're married and we've got a daughter.

-Oh, no way.

-Yeah.

0:21:360:21:39

APPLAUSE

0:21:390:21:41

That's a true story.

0:21:410:21:43

That's lovely.

0:21:430:21:45

OK, Gareth. This was one of yours.

0:21:450:21:47

Now, come on, this can't be true.

0:21:510:21:53

That's not true. That is a myth.

0:21:530:21:55

I can make a choir.

0:21:550:21:57

I could ask you all to sing.

0:21:570:21:59

I could improve the sound.

0:21:590:22:01

You can't... If somebody really isn't a great singer,

0:22:010:22:03

you can only move them on so far.

0:22:030:22:05

You can't turn them into Shirley Bassey overnight.

0:22:050:22:09

I'm not a miracle worker, is basically what I'm saying.

0:22:090:22:11

It's very hard, cos with stand-up you're silly all the time,

0:22:110:22:16

but singing's serious, like, it's proper emotion.

0:22:160:22:19

-Yeah.

-And to actually stay in the moment and give out proper emotion.

0:22:190:22:23

Do you find that frightening?

0:22:230:22:24

I can do it for two seconds.

0:22:240:22:26

Terrifying.

0:22:260:22:27

I really like it and I love it when you find something that's in

0:22:270:22:30

somebody and they didn't know, and you sort of release it.

0:22:300:22:33

Well, there are lots of people who sometimes find things

0:22:330:22:35

that they don't know.

0:22:350:22:37

Like this gentleman.

0:22:370:22:39

-HE PLAYS PIANO KEY

-Ma.

0:22:400:22:42

-HE PLAYS PIANO KEY

-Ma.

0:22:420:22:44

-HE PLAYS PIANO KEY

-Ma.

0:22:450:22:47

-HE PLAYS PIANO KEY

-Ma.

0:22:520:22:54

LAUGHTER

0:22:540:22:57

-HE PLAYS PIANO KEY

-Ma.

0:22:570:22:59

-HE PLAYS PIANO KEY

-Ma.

0:23:010:23:04

-Brilliant.

-Now, is that something that you could work with?

0:23:040:23:07

I mean, you could work with it,

0:23:080:23:10

I don't know what results you'd achieve.

0:23:100:23:11

-LAUGHTER

-Why he decided to put it on YouTube.

0:23:110:23:14

I mean, that, I think was a fundamental error, but if you are...

0:23:140:23:17

To be honest with you I think he was just in his toilet at home...

0:23:170:23:20

LAUGHTER ..and he'd run out of loo roll.

0:23:200:23:22

It was a, "More! More!"

0:23:220:23:26

-Why did he have a keyboard in there?

-If only he had a Quattro Flush to put the keyboard down.

0:23:270:23:31

Get rid of it.

0:23:310:23:33

It's when you see someone like that...

0:23:330:23:34

So you're saying there's no hope?

0:23:340:23:36

I think...

0:23:360:23:37

He seems like someone who's not sung his entire life and then thought,

0:23:370:23:41

"I'll go out and I'll buy myself a keyboard," and on his own, without

0:23:410:23:44

any help, is just pressing the keyboard and hoping for the best and

0:23:440:23:48

-you need help.

-Now, Gareth,

0:23:480:23:49

there is something very worrying on the internet, which I think

0:23:490:23:53

may put you out of a job.

0:23:530:23:54

-Really?

-Have a look at this.

0:23:540:23:56

Everybody wants to be...

0:23:560:23:57

-A rock star.

-To go...

0:23:570:23:58

-A little higher.

-To harmonise.

0:23:580:24:00

-Range.

-SHE SINGS

0:24:000:24:02

# I once was lost... #

0:24:020:24:07

It would be, like, the best motive for throwing a party.

0:24:070:24:11

-Yeah, baby.

-I'm doing the robot.

0:24:110:24:13

Singtrix is amazeballs.

0:24:130:24:16

Can I get some music over here?

0:24:160:24:19

I'm about to have a party with this bad boy.

0:24:260:24:28

APPLAUSE

0:24:280:24:30

Now, Gareth, this is the Singtrix.

0:24:320:24:35

We have it here. This is the only one in the country.

0:24:350:24:38

This is a box that plugs into your phone and basically there are 300

0:24:380:24:43

different settings, and we have the microphone here.

0:24:430:24:47

So, we can go from...

0:24:470:24:50

Let's see, we have choir.

0:24:500:24:52

Good.

0:24:520:24:53

# Oh, Danny boy. #

0:24:530:24:56

LAUGHTER

0:24:560:24:59

-That was bad.

-No, it was the other guys,

0:24:590:25:01

you were great.

0:25:010:25:03

LAUGHTER

0:25:030:25:06

-What do you think? Have a little...

-I'd love to. May I? Thank you.

-Yeah, course.

0:25:090:25:12

What setting would you like? This one is called I Am A Flea!

0:25:120:25:14

SQUEAKING

0:25:160:25:19

-That's great, I like that one.

-APPLAUSE

0:25:260:25:29

So, this works.

0:25:290:25:31

I love it. Give me some more.

0:25:310:25:33

So, we've got a piano.

0:25:330:25:35

Whoa! We've got a piano that's just arrived. LAUGHTER

0:25:350:25:38

Amazing.

0:25:380:25:40

Do you think with this little bit of kit you could possibly make

0:25:400:25:43

a choir out of Russell, Shappi and I?

0:25:430:25:44

-Oh, no.

-With this, definitely.

-Cringe!

0:25:440:25:46

-Yes?

-I think so, yeah.

-OK.

0:25:460:25:48

Give Gareth a round of applause. APPLAUSE

0:25:480:25:51

Cheers.

0:25:530:25:54

So what we'll do, I'll take male to female.

0:25:580:26:00

-OK.

-Shappi, you can do female to male.

0:26:000:26:03

-OK.

-And...

0:26:030:26:05

-if you take Tinkerbell.

-OK.

-LAUGHTER

0:26:050:26:07

-Yeah?

-What song are we going to do?

0:26:070:26:09

What have you got there?

0:26:090:26:10

# At first I was afraid

0:26:150:26:18

# I was petrified

0:26:180:26:22

# Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side

0:26:220:26:28

# But then I spent so many nights

0:26:300:26:33

# Thinking how you did me wrong

0:26:330:26:36

# I grew strong

0:26:360:26:39

# And I learned how to get a... #

0:26:390:26:43

Tinkerbell!

0:26:430:26:44

-# And so you're back... #

-LAUGHTER

0:26:440:26:47

-# From outer space... #

-CLAPPING

0:26:470:26:49

# I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face

0:26:490:26:52

# I should've changed that stupid lock

0:26:520:26:55

# I should've made you leave your key

0:26:550:26:57

# If I'd known for just one second you'd be back to bother me

0:26:570:27:01

# Go on now, go

0:27:010:27:02

# Turn out the door

0:27:020:27:04

# Just turn around now

0:27:040:27:06

# Cos you're not welcome any more

0:27:060:27:08

# Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?

0:27:090:27:12

# Did you think I'd crumble? #

0:27:120:27:14

Luke, I'm your father.

0:27:140:27:16

LAUGHTER # I would lay down and die

0:27:160:27:23

# Oh, no, not I

0:27:230:27:25

# I will survive

0:27:250:27:27

# As long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive

0:27:270:27:31

# I've got all my life to live

0:27:310:27:33

# I've got all my love to give

0:27:330:27:34

# And I'll survive

0:27:340:27:37

# I will survive

0:27:370:27:41

# Hey

0:27:420:27:44

# Hey. #

0:27:440:27:46

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:27:460:27:50

Gareth Malone!

0:27:520:27:54

That didn't help. That didn't help.

0:27:540:27:56

-Let's hear it for Russell and Shappi.

-Thank you.

0:27:560:27:59

Very nice work.

0:27:590:28:01

I want this.

0:28:010:28:03

It didn't help.

0:28:040:28:07

-I still sounded awful.

-I know, I still sounded terrible.

0:28:070:28:10

I sounded like me singing.

0:28:100:28:12

-Shit in, shit out.

-LAUGHTER

0:28:120:28:14

Slammed. Badly!

0:28:180:28:19

That is also the strap line for the Quattro Flush.

0:28:190:28:22

Well, that is all we've got time for tonight.

0:28:250:28:27

You've been great sports. Here are your devices.

0:28:270:28:30

Let's hear it one more time for Russell Kane,

0:28:300:28:32

Shappi Khorsandi and Gareth Malone. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:28:320:28:36

We will see you next time on Delete, Delete, Delete. Goodnight.

0:28:360:28:39

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