Episode 2 Delete, Delete, Delete

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you.

Welcome to Delete, Delete, Delete,

where tonight three more brave souls let their laptops confess

what they've been up to online.

Yes, for the next half-hour I'll be Father Paddy and at the end of

the show I'll decide who gets absolution and who gets my phone number.

So, say a prayer for all on board as we welcome tonight's guests.

First up, one of Britain's brightest comedians who once won Celebrity Mastermind.

His specialist subject tonight is his own Internet history

so don't be surprised if he decides to pass on a few questions later.

Please welcome the brilliant Russell Kane.

CHEERING

Next up, a fantastic comedian and writer whose family left Iran when

she was just a kid to escape the political and religious intolerance.

Thank God nothing like that could ever happen here.

Please welcome the fabulous Shappi Khorsandi.

CHEERING

Thanks.

-Good to see you.

-Thank you. Hello there.

Oh!

And finally, a man who's become a national treasure ever since he

told us he can get absolutely anyone to sing.

Although I know a few boys who spent the night in Belfast Police custody

who would beg to differ.

Please make some noise, but try to be in tune, for Mr Gareth Malone.

CHEERING

Hello!

Hey, how are you doing? Are you well?

I'm all right.

That's fine. Go on.

I love that Gareth came on and held that almost like a choir book that's

going to be opened and we're going to have a little sing.

We'd like to welcome you. Thanks for doing this.

And, of course, welcome to Belfast.

-Thank you.

-Gareth, of course, you have Irish family.

I do, yeah.

I did a Who Do You Think You Are last year and discovered that I'm

a little bit Irish.

With a name like Malone it's not a massive surprise, is it, really?

That would be a short episode of Poirot, wouldn't it?

How much Irish are you?

Oh, at least 35%.

And whereabouts in Ireland are the family from?

-Erm, The south.

-The south?

LAUGHTER

The other bit.

Keep it vague. Keep it vague.

Generally the green bit.

The green bit?

-This is going to go very well.

-Shall I go?

I mean, you don't need to go. I'm sure there'll be a couple of people

in the audience who'll be happy to take you away.

You must have played here a few times, have you?

Oh, man. I mean, on this tour I've been to Northern Ireland twice already.

I've been to Cookstown and Strabane.

And I'll be coming back to Belfast next year for a lasting gig.

Who booked this tour?

I mean... Cookstown and Strabane.

Strabane was awesome.

The thing is, what I find is the towns that people take the mick out of most,

they're always the ones with the most laughter to be released.

When you're a new comic it is scary playing Northern Ireland,

because, as an accent, it's one of my favourite accents,

but for an English person it's hard to read what mood the speaker is in.

Because it always turns out...

"I'm absolutely filled with love and admiration at the moment."

And you're like, "Please, don't hurt me."

"I'm currently depressed. I'm currently happy."

And you're never quite sure where you stand.

But eventually you get used to it and now I love it.

The Belfast audience are always well up for it.

OK, we'll start with you, Gareth.

-OK.

-You have a very loyal following, shall we say, on Twitter?

But some quite like to overshare.

"I had a sex dream about Gareth Malone last night.

"In my dream he couldn't get it up, poor chap."

LAUGHTER

-Is this the point...

-I'm just thinking about my mum and what

she's going to say.

I'm glad you got to the end of that sentence quickly!

"And what she's going to say!"

I thought Dr Freud was going to burst onto the stage then.

Yeah, that's an interesting one.

-Yes.

-I mean, ridiculous.

-Have you seen this tweet?

-Yeah, I did notice that one, yeah.

We also have this one.

"It was pretty emotional, not going to lie."

At least you're not having sex in that one.

-I know.

-Or failing to.

No. I mean, it's not entirely representative.

I do have some that say, you know, I enjoyed the choir.

Now, Shappi, your tweets are a little bit more reserved.

-Are they?

-You sent this.

There it is. And this is the picture.

Oh, that is great. That looks pretty good.

I tell you what, I don't know how long ago...

That tweet is at least, I think, six weeks old.

My car is still there.

LAUGHTER

When you park that beautifully, you don't move it.

How long did it take you to get in and out of that space?

Was that a one-shot?

-Was that a reverse park?

-OK, I'm going to pretend...

-Handbrake turn.

-..that there were cars on either side.

-But there weren't?

-Well, I...

-Did you have somebody coming in with those... like at the airport?

-No.

It was good. I was all right. I did it, it was fine.

But now I overthink it.

And yesterday it took me half an hour to park because I got all confused.

It was really frustrating.

I live in a really close-knit neighbourhood and for London it's

really friendly and the neighbours came out to watch me park.

Oh, I hate that. That's the worst. I can't bear being watched.

At first I thought it was in a supportive way but it was, like,

to check their cars were all right.

-Now, Russell, very busy boy...

-Yeah.

-..on the social media.

-Quite a lot of followers. 250,000 fans...

-What?

AUDIENCE: OOH!

..on Facebook. 750,000 followers on Twitter.

Yes, so, talking about Facebook and everything

I was on a first-class train.

Again, not showing off, but I was.

And this lady gets on.

I don't know if she's had a bad day or what was going on.

But every time I got bag down or opened a noisy snack, she was like,

"Oh, tut! Oh, tut!" Like, just getting really annoyed unnecessarily.

So, I've just gone on my Facebook.

It's like digital diarrhoea. You just describe every part of your life.

I've gone, "Miserable old crone opposite me with a librarian's haircut..." -

I don't know what that meant - "..tutting every time I move."

"What's your problem?" And then I put #biatch, or something like that.

And then, anyway, what I didn't know was happening at the same time was

this woman, as well as having a bad day, had vaguely sort of...

She's like, "Who is this person opposite me? Is it...?

"I know him off... Is he a telly...? "Is he a presenter?"

She's put, "Russell Kane"!

And one of the first things that comes up, of course, is my Facebook page...

LAUGHTER

..which she has clicked and seen update three minutes ago, you know.

"Old crone with a librarian's haircut tutting."

And she's just gone in.

"I'm not an old crone, thank you very much.

"I've had a very bad day because I've been visiting a friend in London

"who's had some terrible news. I hadn't even noticed you.

"And my haircut isn't a librarian's haircut."

So I was just thinking off the top of my head, trying to make a lie.

I was, like, "Oh, my God, I can't believe you think that's about you.

"No, I, er..." And this woman's believed me.

So then I quickly write another one five minutes later.

"Just spilled coffee all over myself," when I hadn't,

just to make the story look more convincing.

Then she got off in York and I was on my way to Edinburgh.

I just sank into the seat.

I couldn't believe it was over. Then about five minutes later I looked on

my Facebook wall again and underneath it other people on the carriage

were like, "Can't believe you got away with that. That was a close one, mate..."

LAUGHTER

Now, Shappi, you've spent quite a bit of time on this site.

This is the Humanist Association.

You are the President of the British Humanist Association.

-I am, yes.

-And what do humanists believe?

Well, humanists don't believe in a higher power.

Because I'm an atheist, when you haven't been raised with religion,

you're a bit like, "Sorry, everyone."

You're sort of like left out of a lot of moral discussion and

philosophical discussion.

So, it was kind of good to meet other atheists.

And humanists are an organisation and we campaign for the voice,

the secular voice to be heard.

Wow. And are you a Catholic humanist or a Protestant humanist?

LAUGHTER

I'm sensing that that's the question that the audience really want to know.

Depends where in the country I am.

There you go.

I went to register my daughter's birth.

The form you get with your name and address, the father's name was blank,

and the temptation to write Farage was almost overwhelming.

And I noticed in one box in block capitals they had stamped, bam, Islam.

So I said, "This is outrageous," and the receptionist was lovely.

She goes, "You know you can complain about this?"

I was like, "Oh, yes, I will. And this will not be a tweet.

"This will be an actual e-mail."

And she sat down and patted my hand a bit and then she goes,

"I am very surprised, though,

"because usually in that box they just write the doctor's name."

Dr Islam was the man that brought my daughter safely into the world.

GROANS AND APPLAUSE

Er, so, let's have a little look at your viral videos.

Russell, this one caught your eye.

-What a party that was.

-Yeah. There it is.

First time I saw that I was actually doing something on TV and I watched

it during some downtime. I had to have all my make-up redone.

I was in absolute pieces.

It's just the way they start coyly and they keep building towards

something that looks more like a poo.

And in the end, hot dogs!

Is this something that you would have in your own house?

Er, I don't know.

I mean, if you've got a Quattro Flush it says something about you, doesn't it?

It says that you are laying serious cable.

That's what it says.

What was quite funny was that we were watching this and I could

see a few people in the audience, and one or two were going, what is that?

And there was one or two going...

-Yeah, exactly.

-"You need that, darling."

Yes! My favourite of yours, though, was this.

Must be over there.

It's not a very good game.

O-o-oh!

SHE SCREAMS

TAKE IT OFF!

So these are virtual reality headsets and this is a grandmother

from Portadown who has put that on and they've basically taken her on a

tour of Portadown.

That's essentially what's happened there.

-On a Friday night.

-In daylight. Like this.

Have you been on one of the new ones that have just come out in the last few months?

-No, are they good?

-The new generation. Who's been on them?

It's a lot more realistic than you're expecting.

-I've never done that.

-A lot of people, if there's part of the game

where you have a roller-coaster action, a lot of people get motion sickness.

You totally and utterly believe.

It used to be quite laggy.

-It's not at all.

-And it was like you had mogadon.

-No, it is scary.

-The horror ones are terrifying.

-Are there games?

I do some Imodium before I go on my one,

that's how scary it is.

Just to be on the safe side.

It's all right because you've got the right toilet.

The right toilet, I know! Wow, wow, wow!

Is this something that you've tried with your own family?

My mum's a bit of a technophobe so I've had to teach her how to use...

She can't even master Skype.

When Skype connects my mum's always really close to it so just an eye

is there first. You don't look through it.

She was looking through the camera. "Russ, are you in there?!"

So, I don't know what would happen on that. Her brain would probably explode.

So, what is it? You basically watch any clip on it or are there special clips?

-It's games, there's games...

-Oh, it's games?

Just like a regular video game, say like, the Sigourney Weaver Alien franchise.

Normally you'd have been sitting with a little controller and it was

still scary, but you put the mask on, you put the earphones on,

and there's another little receiver on the monitor so that when you look

around, if you look behind you,

you can look over your shoulder and there will be an alien, like...

And you're like that... It is really scary.

What if you have a burglar?

What if, like, a murderer comes into your house?

You just wake up and all your stuff's gone.

"That was a really good session! Where's my stuff? Where's my stuff?"

And you can buy gloves now and feet,

and inevitably you can guess what's come out recently.

Teenage boys need never be lonely again.

-You can now buy...

-No!

-Yes.

-No!

-Yes, you can buy accessories for

all parts of the body.

And that's it, liberation from adolescence for teenage boys.

-No, no, no, no, hang on, so...

-Do I really need to go further?

No, no, you do because I'm not sure how this works.

Ironically this one turns you blind and you can't use the rest of the equipment.

Wow. That exists.

It's just a matter of... If you invent a virtual reality technology

for men what do you think they're going to bloody do with it?

"I'm going to do some good deeds and build a village in Cambodia."

No!

I'm going to go at myself like a sewing machine in a power surge.

OK, now for the questions that you've been asking your computers in

-the privacy of your own home.

-No! This is the bit I've been dreading.

-Let's start with you, Russell.

-Mine are quite boring.

"Baby proofing. Pug/Chihuahua cross.

"Is it dangerous to eat just fat?

"Six packs. Do men look better with chest hair?"

-These are all genuine.

-"Can a fox mate with a dog?"

Yeah. Well...

I've got a one-year-old so the babyproofing's pretty straightforward.

I'm just baby proofing the house, so that's fair.

I don't think there's anything embarrassing there.

I have a ten-month-old so I'm in the same boat.

-Nine-year-old, same.

-My daughter picked up the open bottle of bleach

at about ten months. That was an exciting moment.

-Why was it open?

-I had just left it for a second.

-They tell you off at the hospital.

-He was just heading out, and said,

"I'll tell you what, can you just clean the kitchen? I'll be back in ten minutes."

Pug/Chihuahua cross?

Yeah, because I've got Colin, I love him to pieces, and Janet,

my other pug, I love them both.

Are there any pug owners in the audience?

They're a bit prone to, like,

you let them off the lead over the park and you can't tell them off or

they have a fit. They have like a nuclear deterrent.

They go, if you discipline me I'll stick my tongue out, do a jet of wee

and have an epileptic fit, so just let me do what I want.

They're impossible to train, pugs, as well.

-Yeah.

-You'll see people who've got impressive dog breeds,

like normal dogs, like labradors or setters.

I never find it amazing when those dogs obey because they're born to obey.

It's like, what can I do next? Bag of treats?

"Keep them, mate, I'm just happy to be working.

"In this environment I'm just happy to be working.

"What's that? I've got it."

Right? Whereas with a pug, the most you get with a pug is,

"I'll tell you what, how about as a compromise I'll shit in the porch instead?"

So I was searching to see what crossbreeds there were that were

still small, and the Chihuahuas are quite biddable.

It's called a chug, by the way. I now know what that's called. A chug.

And a fox that mates with a dog.

I don't know why. I've always had this nerdy interest and obsession

with crossbreeds. Like, you can mate a lion with a tiger and it's called

a liger. Have you ever seen a picture of one?

They're bigger than a lion and a tiger. I just, I don't know why.

So, what was the answer? Can you?

You can't because they don't have the correct number of chromosomes

to match up so there's no such thing as a dox.

I was gutted.

Gareth, these are your searches.

"Who is Nicki Minaj?"

-What is Nicki Minaj?

-Why is?

A dirty stop-out is the answer to that.

"What's the difference between the Kardashians and the Jonas Brothers?"

What's the difference between them? What do you mean?

Well, not in the sense... I know they're different families

but I don't know which one is which.

The Kardashians have massive arses, the Jonas Brothers are.

Oh, I see. Thank you for sorting that one out.

APPLAUSE

"Industrial lint roller with lasers."

I've just got this sort of,

you know when you buy a new jumper and it's just beautiful and smooth,

and then quickly it's bobbly?

I absolutely abhor bobbles.

Why haven't they got lasers in on this?

-You would laser hair? You would...

-Look, I've got them on these socks.

They're already... The socks are going to have to go.

-I noticed them, actually.

-There's a bobble.

So either I pay somebody to de-bobble all my jumpers, or I get a laser.

That's the poshest thing I've ever heard in my life.

"Excuse me, Jeeves, would you de-bobble my jumpers, please?"

That is the most... "Sorry, sir."

Surely somebody must provide this service.

No?

Am I alone here?

I don't know. How do we..?

"When should my baby roll over?

"When will my baby talk?"

Now, are these genuine questions, or 1950s jazz numbers?

I think that's just typical dad...

Either my child is a genius or there's something developmentally wrong.

Because, you don't really get any signs, do you?

They come out and they just go, "Bah!"

And you're not like... You're looking for signs of intelligence.

Are you like, "That was a C, perfect. Now try a D?"

Yeah.

Am I alone here?

OK, yeah. And again. Aah.

I mean, I was, yes.

I was. And they would go, "Waah"... Ding, ding, ding.

OK, "If he loves LA so much, why doesn't that wanker just stay over there?"

is just one of the things the internet says about me.

But what does it say about our guests?

Let's find out with things the internet says about you.

-Oh, no.

-Here we go.

-So, Russell.

-Yes.

We've found this.

Russell Kane found his wife online.

Right. I was almost single.

I was coming out of a relationship, blah, blah, blah.

I've gone on that. It was hard enough doing tour shows that week anyway

when you're all upset. I went on, beautiful girl in the front row of my show, yeah.

She was wearing - this beautiful girl, who turned out to be called Lindsey -

what looked like a fur to me, which I'm not a massive fan of.

It was fake fur but I didn't let that stop me pretending it was real fur

to the rest of the audience. I took it off her and asked her where's she from.

I was up North and she was like,

"I'm from Manchester," but trying to be like a posh version of Manchester.

So I was making fun of that. I basically did a routine where I implied

that she was so posh that when she waxed her body mink fur came off it.

I was laying in various positions on stage going,

"My minky's come clean off," like that, and just being juvenile.

Got to the end of the gig, great show, audience left.

I said to my tour manager, "There's a girl, I've really just felt

"a connection to in the front row. I was making fun of her.

"Just see if she's out there."

A bit naughty, I shouldn't have said it. But she wasn't. She'd gone.

I thought, "I bet I never see that girl again."

Cut to a week later when the dust has settled a bit more emotionally,

and I'm on tour, and I just tweeted -

you could probably find the tweet if you look for it...

I think we actually have it here.

I didn't put the venue.

I just tweeted the word "minky".

-Oh, that's adorable.

-A week later...

-What a romantic.

-A week later, I get...

-LAUGHTER

..I get a message from a girl saying,

"Is this about my friend, when you made fun of her on stage?"

I was like, "Yeah, do you know her?" "Yes, it's this girl." Bang, bang, bang.

Follow, follow, follow. We just went and met and she was there

and it was the first date and I was really nervous.

My heart was beating. I knew it was something more than that.

And she sat down and she was like, "You know what,

"I'm just going to tell you this, just cos you're staying in a hotel in Manchester,

"nothing's going to happen tonight, I'm not that type of girl.

"We can have a drink and that's all that's going to happen.

"I don't know what you normally do with your girls on tour."

I've never forgot that phrase cos when she left in a wheelchair the next morning...

-LAUGHTER

-..it was really...

It was all that was ringing through my head.

She did genuinely say that.

She didn't leave in a wheelchair.

I was very respectful. Nothing like that happened on the first date.

We had a kiss and that was it.

So we carried on like this till the August and then I went,

"Aw, I'm in love, I love you."

-Now we're married and we've got a daughter.

-Oh, no way.

-Yeah.

APPLAUSE

That's a true story.

That's lovely.

OK, Gareth. This was one of yours.

Now, come on, this can't be true.

That's not true. That is a myth.

I can make a choir.

I could ask you all to sing.

I could improve the sound.

You can't... If somebody really isn't a great singer,

you can only move them on so far.

You can't turn them into Shirley Bassey overnight.

I'm not a miracle worker, is basically what I'm saying.

It's very hard, cos with stand-up you're silly all the time,

but singing's serious, like, it's proper emotion.

-Yeah.

-And to actually stay in the moment and give out proper emotion.

Do you find that frightening?

I can do it for two seconds.

Terrifying.

I really like it and I love it when you find something that's in

somebody and they didn't know, and you sort of release it.

Well, there are lots of people who sometimes find things

that they don't know.

Like this gentleman.

-HE PLAYS PIANO KEY

-Ma.

-HE PLAYS PIANO KEY

-Ma.

-HE PLAYS PIANO KEY

-Ma.

-HE PLAYS PIANO KEY

-Ma.

LAUGHTER

-HE PLAYS PIANO KEY

-Ma.

-HE PLAYS PIANO KEY

-Ma.

-Brilliant.

-Now, is that something that you could work with?

I mean, you could work with it,

I don't know what results you'd achieve.

-LAUGHTER

-Why he decided to put it on YouTube.

I mean, that, I think was a fundamental error, but if you are...

To be honest with you I think he was just in his toilet at home...

LAUGHTER ..and he'd run out of loo roll.

It was a, "More! More!"

-Why did he have a keyboard in there?

-If only he had a Quattro Flush to put the keyboard down.

Get rid of it.

It's when you see someone like that...

So you're saying there's no hope?

I think...

He seems like someone who's not sung his entire life and then thought,

"I'll go out and I'll buy myself a keyboard," and on his own, without

any help, is just pressing the keyboard and hoping for the best and

-you need help.

-Now, Gareth,

there is something very worrying on the internet, which I think

may put you out of a job.

-Really?

-Have a look at this.

Everybody wants to be...

-A rock star.

-To go...

-A little higher.

-To harmonise.

-Range.

-SHE SINGS

# I once was lost... #

It would be, like, the best motive for throwing a party.

-Yeah, baby.

-I'm doing the robot.

Singtrix is amazeballs.

Can I get some music over here?

I'm about to have a party with this bad boy.

APPLAUSE

Now, Gareth, this is the Singtrix.

We have it here. This is the only one in the country.

This is a box that plugs into your phone and basically there are 300

different settings, and we have the microphone here.

So, we can go from...

Let's see, we have choir.

Good.

# Oh, Danny boy. #

LAUGHTER

-That was bad.

-No, it was the other guys,

you were great.

LAUGHTER

-What do you think? Have a little...

-I'd love to. May I? Thank you.

-Yeah, course.

What setting would you like? This one is called I Am A Flea!

SQUEAKING

-That's great, I like that one.

-APPLAUSE

So, this works.

I love it. Give me some more.

So, we've got a piano.

Whoa! We've got a piano that's just arrived. LAUGHTER

Amazing.

Do you think with this little bit of kit you could possibly make

a choir out of Russell, Shappi and I?

-Oh, no.

-With this, definitely.

-Cringe!

-Yes?

-I think so, yeah.

-OK.

Give Gareth a round of applause. APPLAUSE

Cheers.

So what we'll do, I'll take male to female.

-OK.

-Shappi, you can do female to male.

-OK.

-And...

-if you take Tinkerbell.

-OK.

-LAUGHTER

-Yeah?

-What song are we going to do?

What have you got there?

# At first I was afraid

# I was petrified

# Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side

# But then I spent so many nights

# Thinking how you did me wrong

# I grew strong

# And I learned how to get a... #

Tinkerbell!

-# And so you're back... #

-LAUGHTER

-# From outer space... #

-CLAPPING

# I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face

# I should've changed that stupid lock

# I should've made you leave your key

# If I'd known for just one second you'd be back to bother me

# Go on now, go

# Turn out the door

# Just turn around now

# Cos you're not welcome any more

# Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?

# Did you think I'd crumble? #

Luke, I'm your father.

LAUGHTER # I would lay down and die

# Oh, no, not I

# I will survive

# As long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive

# I've got all my life to live

# I've got all my love to give

# And I'll survive

# I will survive

# Hey

# Hey. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Gareth Malone!

That didn't help. That didn't help.

-Let's hear it for Russell and Shappi.

-Thank you.

Very nice work.

I want this.

It didn't help.

-I still sounded awful.

-I know, I still sounded terrible.

I sounded like me singing.

-Shit in, shit out.

-LAUGHTER

Slammed. Badly!

That is also the strap line for the Quattro Flush.

Well, that is all we've got time for tonight.

You've been great sports. Here are your devices.

Let's hear it one more time for Russell Kane,

Shappi Khorsandi and Gareth Malone. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

We will see you next time on Delete, Delete, Delete. Goodnight.