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CHEERING | 0:00:09 | 0:00:11 | |
Easy, now! | 0:00:18 | 0:00:20 | |
Hello, and welcome to Delete, Delete, Delete, | 0:00:20 | 0:00:23 | |
where, once again, three brave guests offer up their laptops | 0:00:23 | 0:00:27 | |
for an online pat-down. | 0:00:27 | 0:00:29 | |
As usual, we've told them that nothing is off-limits, | 0:00:29 | 0:00:31 | |
but as this is the BBC, we do have standards, | 0:00:31 | 0:00:34 | |
so the only celebrity arse you'll see tonight... | 0:00:34 | 0:00:36 | |
is me. | 0:00:36 | 0:00:38 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:00:38 | 0:00:39 | |
We've got some fantastic guests for you. Shall we bring them out? | 0:00:39 | 0:00:42 | |
-ALL: -Yes! | 0:00:42 | 0:00:44 | |
OK. First up, a man who wowed the nation when he won | 0:00:44 | 0:00:48 | |
Strictly Come Dancing. Yes, yes, a proper champion! | 0:00:48 | 0:00:51 | |
-AUDIENCE: -Ooh! | 0:00:51 | 0:00:53 | |
So, tonight, we're going to find out if his hard drive | 0:00:53 | 0:00:56 | |
is as clean as his footwork. | 0:00:56 | 0:00:58 | |
Or if he's forgotten to wipe his cha-cha-cha. | 0:00:58 | 0:01:01 | |
Please, welcome Chris Hollins! | 0:01:01 | 0:01:03 | |
-Nice to see you. -Is that yours? | 0:01:10 | 0:01:13 | |
Next up, a brilliant comedian and actress | 0:01:16 | 0:01:19 | |
from the Emmy award-winning Moone Boy, | 0:01:19 | 0:01:22 | |
who recently returned to Ireland after ten years in London. | 0:01:22 | 0:01:26 | |
Though having seen the contents of her laptop, | 0:01:26 | 0:01:28 | |
I've a feeling she might be going back there sooner than she thinks! | 0:01:28 | 0:01:31 | |
Please, welcome Deirdre O'Kane! | 0:01:31 | 0:01:33 | |
-You want that? -Good to see you. -How are you? -Good. | 0:01:40 | 0:01:45 | |
And finally, a man who is the perfect combination | 0:01:47 | 0:01:50 | |
of '90s pop and cheese. | 0:01:50 | 0:01:53 | |
I know what you're thinking. "Oh, shit, they've booked Peter Andre." | 0:01:54 | 0:01:58 | |
But don't panic, this man makes real cheese and real music. | 0:01:58 | 0:02:01 | |
-AUDIENCE: -Ooh! | 0:02:01 | 0:02:03 | |
All from his house, his very big house in the country. | 0:02:03 | 0:02:06 | |
Please, welcome Alex James! | 0:02:06 | 0:02:09 | |
-How are you? All right. -Thank you very much. | 0:02:15 | 0:02:19 | |
Thank you very much. | 0:02:19 | 0:02:21 | |
Thanks for these. Welcome to the show. | 0:02:21 | 0:02:23 | |
So nice to be back in Belfast. | 0:02:23 | 0:02:25 | |
-Yes? -It's been far too long. -When was the last time? | 0:02:25 | 0:02:28 | |
I think Blur played in a pub here, actually, | 0:02:28 | 0:02:31 | |
that's how long ago it was. | 0:02:31 | 0:02:32 | |
-Now, Chris. -Yes. -You've been here a couple of times. | 0:02:32 | 0:02:35 | |
I've been here, yeah, on filming Secret Britain | 0:02:35 | 0:02:38 | |
and also the Strictly tour. | 0:02:38 | 0:02:40 | |
I can't believe he won Strictly, that is so impressive. | 0:02:40 | 0:02:43 | |
There are a lot of people can't believe I won Strictly Come Dancing! | 0:02:43 | 0:02:46 | |
I think it helps, like in anything else, when you have a great partner. | 0:02:46 | 0:02:50 | |
And we perfected, or I perfected, | 0:02:50 | 0:02:52 | |
that one where you have the beautiful dancer, that one. | 0:02:52 | 0:02:56 | |
You see, in Ireland, we call that forklift dancing. | 0:02:56 | 0:02:58 | |
Yes! | 0:02:58 | 0:03:00 | |
That's what we do, you know. | 0:03:00 | 0:03:02 | |
There are men, old men and women up and down the country, they do this. | 0:03:02 | 0:03:04 | |
And the woman's job, she's just the pallet on the front of the forklift. | 0:03:04 | 0:03:08 | |
-Her job is just to spin like that. She just does that. -Oh! | 0:03:08 | 0:03:10 | |
And the man, he just does that. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:13 | |
That is it. | 0:03:16 | 0:03:18 | |
So, look, who shall we start with here tonight? | 0:03:23 | 0:03:25 | |
Let's start with Deirdre. | 0:03:25 | 0:03:27 | |
-Yes! -Relief from Chris. -Women and children first, is it? | 0:03:27 | 0:03:30 | |
Now, you love a little bit of online shopping. Don't we all? | 0:03:32 | 0:03:34 | |
-Oh, yeah. -Yes. A couple of items have caught my eye. | 0:03:34 | 0:03:37 | |
First up was this. | 0:03:37 | 0:03:39 | |
The handmade knitted mermaid tail blanket. | 0:03:41 | 0:03:46 | |
Talk us through what the concept with this is. | 0:03:46 | 0:03:48 | |
Apart from the mermaid? | 0:03:51 | 0:03:53 | |
Do you have a little girl? | 0:03:53 | 0:03:54 | |
-I don't. -Because I have two little girls | 0:03:54 | 0:03:58 | |
-and I know they're both going to want one. -Yeah? | 0:03:58 | 0:04:01 | |
-Well, we just actually happen to have a couple here. -Aw! | 0:04:02 | 0:04:06 | |
-So, we've got one there. -Oh, look! -Chris, if you want to try that on. | 0:04:06 | 0:04:09 | |
Thank you very much. Is it extra small for my legs? | 0:04:09 | 0:04:13 | |
These are nicer than what I got. | 0:04:13 | 0:04:15 | |
I was quite disappointed with these. | 0:04:15 | 0:04:17 | |
Because I was expecting, whenever I said a mermaid blanket, | 0:04:17 | 0:04:19 | |
I kind of thought that this was going to be covered in scales | 0:04:19 | 0:04:23 | |
-and be kind of Daryl Hannah. -A bikini top? | 0:04:23 | 0:04:25 | |
How are you getting on with those combat boots there, Alex? | 0:04:25 | 0:04:29 | |
It's a sort of farmer mermaid. | 0:04:29 | 0:04:31 | |
Now, this is quite cosy, isn't it? | 0:04:31 | 0:04:33 | |
This is kind of Saturday night in our house every week, | 0:04:33 | 0:04:35 | |
legless on the sofa, watching X Factor! | 0:04:35 | 0:04:38 | |
I'm here all week! Wa-hey! | 0:04:38 | 0:04:41 | |
So, this is one of your items. | 0:04:41 | 0:04:43 | |
Quite cosy. It goes very well with another one of your items | 0:04:43 | 0:04:48 | |
-you've been looking at online. -Oh, God! | 0:04:48 | 0:04:50 | |
This is the Winerack. | 0:04:55 | 0:04:56 | |
Now, talk us through this. | 0:04:56 | 0:04:58 | |
Well, I was on a job recently and everybody was talking about | 0:04:58 | 0:05:01 | |
going to Electric Picnic and how you weren't able to smuggle alcohol | 0:05:01 | 0:05:05 | |
into festivals any more. So, the chat became about this. | 0:05:05 | 0:05:08 | |
This was the answer - that people were wearing these bras | 0:05:08 | 0:05:11 | |
and filling them with alcohol, so that during the concert, | 0:05:11 | 0:05:14 | |
you could have a little drink for yourself! | 0:05:14 | 0:05:16 | |
And you could smuggle them in, obviously. | 0:05:16 | 0:05:18 | |
-This is for music festivals? -Yeah. -Not the school run? | 0:05:18 | 0:05:23 | |
You could adapt it to any situation, I'd say. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:25 | |
This is something that you haven't bought, | 0:05:25 | 0:05:28 | |
but you've been considering buying? | 0:05:28 | 0:05:29 | |
Well, I thought I'd just have to have a look at it, | 0:05:29 | 0:05:32 | |
to see if it was a real thing. | 0:05:32 | 0:05:33 | |
It is such a real thing, we've actually... | 0:05:33 | 0:05:36 | |
We've made one for you here. | 0:05:36 | 0:05:39 | |
So, I'll just pop this on here. | 0:05:40 | 0:05:42 | |
So, we just pop that on here. | 0:05:42 | 0:05:44 | |
And have you got alcohol in there? | 0:05:44 | 0:05:46 | |
There we go. Yeah. We've got one for Chris, if you want to pop that on. | 0:05:46 | 0:05:50 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:05:52 | 0:05:53 | |
-Want me to get yours? -Yes, now that you're up. | 0:05:53 | 0:05:56 | |
Thanks. Thanks very much, Chris. | 0:05:56 | 0:05:58 | |
-Oh, that's my one. -That's Alex. -Oh, that's Alex. | 0:05:58 | 0:06:00 | |
-Thank you. -I'll go, don't get up! | 0:06:00 | 0:06:03 | |
It's fine, Deirdre, sit where you are! | 0:06:04 | 0:06:06 | |
-Sit where you are, you're grand! -Don't mind me. | 0:06:06 | 0:06:09 | |
So, how this works, we've got a little valve here, | 0:06:09 | 0:06:11 | |
that you have to just open that. | 0:06:11 | 0:06:14 | |
That's very, very Strictly! | 0:06:14 | 0:06:16 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:16 | 0:06:19 | |
What I love is that we actually have... We've real wine in here! | 0:06:21 | 0:06:25 | |
I love the way that Chris is just straight in there! | 0:06:25 | 0:06:27 | |
-I'm hands-on. -It's fine! -It's so comfortable. | 0:06:27 | 0:06:29 | |
Yeah. That's been my problem all my life | 0:06:29 | 0:06:31 | |
is that women feel very comfortable with me. | 0:06:31 | 0:06:33 | |
They don't view me as sexually threatening or anything like that! | 0:06:33 | 0:06:36 | |
-And that's not coming across as creepy at all(!) -No, exactly. | 0:06:36 | 0:06:41 | |
I wish I hadn't started that! | 0:06:41 | 0:06:43 | |
There's only one problem with this, Deirdre. | 0:06:43 | 0:06:45 | |
Because it's only really women that can benefit from this, | 0:06:45 | 0:06:48 | |
I've actually come up with these. | 0:06:48 | 0:06:50 | |
These are the... | 0:06:50 | 0:06:52 | |
Now, it's only... | 0:06:55 | 0:06:57 | |
It's only a prototype. | 0:06:57 | 0:06:59 | |
But... | 0:06:59 | 0:07:01 | |
There we go. | 0:07:03 | 0:07:05 | |
Please, God, let it be red wine that comes out there. | 0:07:06 | 0:07:09 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:07:09 | 0:07:11 | |
-Oh, no! -Aw... | 0:07:11 | 0:07:13 | |
But quite good for gigs. | 0:07:16 | 0:07:17 | |
Like, this would be quite good if you were...you know... | 0:07:17 | 0:07:20 | |
It's that bass player thing. I love that bass player thing that you do | 0:07:23 | 0:07:26 | |
where you just... You go up like that and you just kind of... | 0:07:26 | 0:07:28 | |
Yeah. Takes years of practice. | 0:07:28 | 0:07:30 | |
That's really just an excuse for me just to have a close-up shot | 0:07:30 | 0:07:33 | |
of this! | 0:07:33 | 0:07:34 | |
This is quite good. Now, Chris... | 0:07:39 | 0:07:41 | |
I like the way you're just patting it. | 0:07:41 | 0:07:44 | |
You're thinking, "Oh, yeah! | 0:07:44 | 0:07:48 | |
"If only, if only..." | 0:07:48 | 0:07:49 | |
I don't know, I've had two breasts and a scrotum, I think I'm drunk. | 0:07:52 | 0:07:56 | |
I'm quite tipsy so far, I have to say. | 0:07:57 | 0:08:00 | |
Now, Chris, you have been checking out something that would go | 0:08:00 | 0:08:04 | |
very well with all of this on a night out. | 0:08:04 | 0:08:06 | |
-It's this. -Oh, yeah! | 0:08:06 | 0:08:08 | |
The silver glitterball helmet. | 0:08:10 | 0:08:13 | |
When you have done Strictly... | 0:08:13 | 0:08:15 | |
-Yes. -And when you are in a very weak year and you manage to win it, | 0:08:15 | 0:08:19 | |
anything that has "glitterball" written in it is normally sent | 0:08:19 | 0:08:22 | |
to you or suggested that you should buy it, | 0:08:22 | 0:08:25 | |
and I have just got a scooter to commute on and I needed a helmet | 0:08:25 | 0:08:30 | |
and then suddenly, I looked at the glitterball helmet | 0:08:30 | 0:08:33 | |
and I thought, "Wow, I'm going to get that." | 0:08:33 | 0:08:36 | |
And then I suddenly thought, "No, traffic lights." | 0:08:36 | 0:08:38 | |
We have to stop occasionally | 0:08:38 | 0:08:39 | |
and you'd look a complete and utter knob. | 0:08:39 | 0:08:43 | |
I can see what you mean, | 0:08:43 | 0:08:44 | |
a lot of people would be looking at you, going, "Look at that helmet." | 0:08:44 | 0:08:46 | |
-LAUGHTER -Yeah. | 0:08:46 | 0:08:49 | |
This is a real item. | 0:08:50 | 0:08:51 | |
The location is in the UK, so we decided to... | 0:08:51 | 0:08:56 | |
-Oh, you haven't! -We decided that this is for you. | 0:08:56 | 0:08:59 | |
-LAUGHTER -Oh, my God. | 0:08:59 | 0:09:01 | |
Aw! | 0:09:01 | 0:09:02 | |
It's extra, extra large. | 0:09:05 | 0:09:07 | |
-Oh! Perfect. -Is that from winning Strictly? | 0:09:07 | 0:09:09 | |
-Close that, yeah. -Don't want to stain my mermaid dress! | 0:09:09 | 0:09:12 | |
No! LAUGHTER | 0:09:12 | 0:09:14 | |
It feels right. | 0:09:14 | 0:09:16 | |
Well, with that bra, I think it looks fabulous. | 0:09:16 | 0:09:18 | |
So, talk to us about Strictly. I think you did very well. | 0:09:20 | 0:09:23 | |
I think there's two magnificent achievements. | 0:09:23 | 0:09:25 | |
You won, which I think is a great achievement. | 0:09:25 | 0:09:28 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:09:28 | 0:09:31 | |
And you didn't shag your partner. | 0:09:32 | 0:09:34 | |
LAUGHTER I mean... | 0:09:34 | 0:09:37 | |
Do you know what? And this was the most annoying thing about Strictly | 0:09:37 | 0:09:41 | |
cos there's always, you know, "Oh, Strictly... Hmm... | 0:09:41 | 0:09:44 | |
"you know." There's always a bit of that. | 0:09:44 | 0:09:46 | |
Not a sausage. | 0:09:46 | 0:09:47 | |
Not a rumour, you know. | 0:09:47 | 0:09:50 | |
There was one classic moment where we'd been dancing five weeks | 0:09:50 | 0:09:52 | |
and I was thinking, "There's got to be a rumour or two soon. | 0:09:52 | 0:09:56 | |
"We've done a few sexy dances." | 0:09:56 | 0:09:57 | |
Nothing. And then one time we were coming out of a taxi, | 0:09:57 | 0:10:01 | |
it was her birthday and we'd all been invited to her birthday party | 0:10:01 | 0:10:04 | |
and I thought, "Right, here we go, out the taxi, | 0:10:04 | 0:10:06 | |
"there'll be rumours now as we get out of here, like this." | 0:10:06 | 0:10:09 | |
And they were like, "Chris! Ola, Ola! Chris!" | 0:10:09 | 0:10:12 | |
All the paparazzi. And then suddenly they went "Chris, Chris!" | 0:10:12 | 0:10:14 | |
"Yeah?" | 0:10:14 | 0:10:16 | |
It is a weird one though cos loads of people go on that show. | 0:10:18 | 0:10:21 | |
It's almost the thing that if your marriage isn't going great, | 0:10:21 | 0:10:25 | |
you kind of think, "Aye-aye, bit of Strictly." | 0:10:25 | 0:10:28 | |
A little catalyst. Yeah, just like... | 0:10:31 | 0:10:32 | |
-Yeah. -Mmm. -OK, so, look, I'm just going to take this off because... | 0:10:32 | 0:10:36 | |
-Aw. -I know. -Is there a stain in there? -Should we take a last slurp | 0:10:36 | 0:10:40 | |
if you're taking our wine away? | 0:10:40 | 0:10:42 | |
Anybody fancy these? LAUGHTER | 0:10:42 | 0:10:45 | |
Look, there's not a stain on them. | 0:10:45 | 0:10:47 | |
There's not a stain on them, they're fine. | 0:10:47 | 0:10:49 | |
There you go, sir. APPLAUSE | 0:10:49 | 0:10:52 | |
OK. At least when he's on the radio, | 0:10:55 | 0:10:57 | |
we don't have to look at that jug-eared tosser - | 0:10:57 | 0:10:59 | |
is just one of the things the internet says about me. | 0:10:59 | 0:11:01 | |
But what does it say about our guests? | 0:11:01 | 0:11:04 | |
Let's find out with Things The Internet Says About You. | 0:11:04 | 0:11:08 | |
Let's start with you, Alex. | 0:11:08 | 0:11:10 | |
Please tell me that's true. | 0:11:14 | 0:11:15 | |
It was quite a long while ago. When I was writing my book, | 0:11:18 | 0:11:21 | |
I thought I'd work out how much money I'd spent on champ... | 0:11:21 | 0:11:24 | |
Well, the... Cos you get booze on your rider when you tour. | 0:11:24 | 0:11:27 | |
-Yes. -And I just totted it all up and I was like, "Wow." | 0:11:27 | 0:11:30 | |
You're saying that you were given a million pounds' worth of booze | 0:11:32 | 0:11:35 | |
-on your riders? -Probably over, like, 15 years of doing gigs | 0:11:35 | 0:11:38 | |
most nights, yeah. Like, you know, three bottles of champagne, | 0:11:38 | 0:11:41 | |
couple of bottles of whisky - | 0:11:41 | 0:11:42 | |
-you know, what we had in the dressing room. -So talk us through. | 0:11:42 | 0:11:44 | |
What was on the rider when you guys were turning up? | 0:11:44 | 0:11:47 | |
Lots of beer, lots of wine and then we'd try... | 0:11:47 | 0:11:49 | |
Like, Lego was popular for a while. | 0:11:49 | 0:11:51 | |
There'd be a big fight about who'd take all the Lego home | 0:11:51 | 0:11:55 | |
at the end of the tour. But then we got bored of that and then... | 0:11:55 | 0:11:57 | |
Trying to chop it up. | 0:11:57 | 0:11:59 | |
Building big white lines of Lego. | 0:12:03 | 0:12:05 | |
Legocaine. | 0:12:07 | 0:12:08 | |
Legocaine! | 0:12:08 | 0:12:10 | |
We always had local cheese and that was actually one of the reasons | 0:12:10 | 0:12:14 | |
I got so into cheese was, like, everywhere we went | 0:12:14 | 0:12:17 | |
where there was a new word for cheese, | 0:12:17 | 0:12:19 | |
there was a new thing for cheese, | 0:12:19 | 0:12:21 | |
so cheese was good, but it's kind of a form of torment, being asked, | 0:12:21 | 0:12:25 | |
-"What do you want?" every day. -Yeah. | 0:12:25 | 0:12:27 | |
The only things that you really need every day | 0:12:27 | 0:12:30 | |
is new socks and new pants. | 0:12:30 | 0:12:32 | |
-That's, like, always good to see a new pair of pants, new pair of socks. -Mmm. | 0:12:33 | 0:12:36 | |
-And... -I probably did a million-pound underwear bender. | 0:12:36 | 0:12:39 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:12:39 | 0:12:41 | |
And on the next tour, there'll be some of those bras | 0:12:41 | 0:12:44 | |
with the red wine in them. | 0:12:44 | 0:12:46 | |
OK, Chris, | 0:12:46 | 0:12:48 | |
let's have a little look at what the internet had to say about you. | 0:12:48 | 0:12:50 | |
Oh, God! | 0:12:52 | 0:12:53 | |
Well, yeah. That's on my Wikipedia site, my whatever it is. | 0:12:57 | 0:13:02 | |
-That's where we got it. -Do you? | 0:13:02 | 0:13:04 | |
I hate cats. I don't have a cat | 0:13:04 | 0:13:06 | |
and I didn't realise that anyone can edit it, right? | 0:13:06 | 0:13:08 | |
And I went down and I saw Chris Hollins works at the BBC | 0:13:08 | 0:13:11 | |
and he went to this school and that university, whatever. | 0:13:11 | 0:13:13 | |
And there down there, Personal Life, and it said, "Chris Hollins | 0:13:13 | 0:13:17 | |
"has just come out of a two-year relationship, | 0:13:17 | 0:13:18 | |
"but he's very happy now living with his photographer boyfriend..." | 0:13:18 | 0:13:22 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:13:22 | 0:13:24 | |
"..and they have a cat called Tootsie." | 0:13:24 | 0:13:26 | |
-And I thought... -Here it is. | 0:13:26 | 0:13:28 | |
Here it is. That's... | 0:13:28 | 0:13:29 | |
And I thought, "Where the hell's that come from?" | 0:13:33 | 0:13:35 | |
And I know, I think I know who did it. | 0:13:35 | 0:13:38 | |
It's a mate of mine, cos that's his sort of humour. | 0:13:38 | 0:13:41 | |
I've never confronted him about it, | 0:13:41 | 0:13:43 | |
but I think it's one of my university mates. | 0:13:43 | 0:13:44 | |
So then I took off, "With my boyfriend Carlos" and then... | 0:13:44 | 0:13:49 | |
What do you mean you took off with your boyfriend Carlos? | 0:13:49 | 0:13:52 | |
-LAUGHTER -He put that glitterball helmet on | 0:13:52 | 0:13:54 | |
-and they road off into the sunset. -I didn't take off with him, | 0:13:54 | 0:13:57 | |
-but I took it off. -"Come on, baby, let's go!" | 0:13:57 | 0:13:59 | |
And then a week later it was like, | 0:13:59 | 0:14:01 | |
"No, it's been confirmed in a recent interview with the Telegraph | 0:14:01 | 0:14:04 | |
"that he is still with Carlos." | 0:14:04 | 0:14:06 | |
And I was thinking, "OK, I'll leave that now | 0:14:06 | 0:14:08 | |
-"cos it was just going to get bigger and bigger." -OK. | 0:14:08 | 0:14:10 | |
You've all turned to the internet | 0:14:10 | 0:14:11 | |
to ask the usual mundane everyday questions. | 0:14:11 | 0:14:14 | |
Deirdre, let's start with what you've been asking the internet. | 0:14:14 | 0:14:19 | |
"How much does a hooker get paid?" LAUGHTER | 0:14:20 | 0:14:22 | |
"Does a chicken go off after two days?" | 0:14:24 | 0:14:26 | |
"What should I wear to give birth?" | 0:14:26 | 0:14:29 | |
"Hand-painted Chinese chess set." | 0:14:29 | 0:14:31 | |
"How to cook sushi at home." | 0:14:31 | 0:14:32 | |
-Now... -Which one would you like me to talk through? | 0:14:34 | 0:14:36 | |
I think we should probably start with the first one. | 0:14:36 | 0:14:38 | |
Now, I thought your career as an actress was going very well. | 0:14:38 | 0:14:43 | |
Not well enough, as it turns out, | 0:14:43 | 0:14:45 | |
but, yeah, I took a year out to become... | 0:14:45 | 0:14:49 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:49 | 0:14:53 | |
..to become a stay-at-home mum for a year | 0:14:53 | 0:14:56 | |
and I was so demented by the end of it that I considered | 0:14:56 | 0:15:00 | |
becoming a hooker just to get out in the evenings. | 0:15:00 | 0:15:02 | |
I remember thinking, "The hours would suit me and..." | 0:15:05 | 0:15:09 | |
I put a lot of thought into it, you know. | 0:15:09 | 0:15:11 | |
And how much does a hooker get paid? | 0:15:11 | 0:15:13 | |
I don't know, but I remember thinking | 0:15:13 | 0:15:15 | |
if I made enough money for wine, | 0:15:15 | 0:15:17 | |
-it'd be worth it. -LAUGHTER | 0:15:17 | 0:15:18 | |
Well, Alex, you were a rock star for ten years. | 0:15:18 | 0:15:20 | |
How much does a hooker gets paid? | 0:15:20 | 0:15:22 | |
OK, does a chicken go off after two days? | 0:15:24 | 0:15:28 | |
Look, that's every mother's frigging nightmare right there, | 0:15:28 | 0:15:30 | |
chicken in the bloody fridge. | 0:15:30 | 0:15:32 | |
So this is... | 0:15:32 | 0:15:33 | |
No reaction! | 0:15:33 | 0:15:35 | |
The dead chicken. | 0:15:35 | 0:15:37 | |
This isn't just if you buy a chicken. | 0:15:37 | 0:15:39 | |
-When does it leave? -I tell you what, it was amazing to me, | 0:15:39 | 0:15:44 | |
I couldn't believe how challenging I found that year, | 0:15:44 | 0:15:46 | |
being a full-time, stay-at-home mum. | 0:15:46 | 0:15:48 | |
I was just astounded by how hard it was | 0:15:48 | 0:15:52 | |
and I became obsessed with food and the dinners and my head... | 0:15:52 | 0:15:55 | |
This is how I used to think when I was by myself, | 0:15:55 | 0:15:57 | |
I'd be thinking, "What will we have for the dinner, | 0:15:57 | 0:15:59 | |
"the bedtime snack, the breakfast, the mid-morning snack, | 0:15:59 | 0:16:01 | |
"the lunch, the afternoon snack, the dinner, | 0:16:01 | 0:16:03 | |
"the hot chocolate, the breakfasts, the lunches, the lunchbox, | 0:16:03 | 0:16:06 | |
"the laundry will never be done, the dinner... | 0:16:06 | 0:16:08 | |
"Jesus, we're back at the dinner again." | 0:16:08 | 0:16:09 | |
Then I'd think, "There's chicken in the fridge, | 0:16:09 | 0:16:11 | |
"how long is that there? Two days, maybe it's three. | 0:16:11 | 0:16:14 | |
"Still, if in doubt, throw it out. Oh, no, I'm sure it's fine, | 0:16:14 | 0:16:16 | |
"sure the sell-by dates are only for insurance." | 0:16:16 | 0:16:18 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:16:18 | 0:16:21 | |
OK, Chris, let's look at what you've been asking the internet. | 0:16:21 | 0:16:24 | |
Oh... | 0:16:25 | 0:16:27 | |
"How to start my scooter." | 0:16:27 | 0:16:29 | |
"Get padlock out of scooter wheel." | 0:16:29 | 0:16:32 | |
"How to charge a battery." | 0:16:32 | 0:16:34 | |
"How can I man up?" LAUGHTER | 0:16:34 | 0:16:38 | |
It's a tragic tale. | 0:16:38 | 0:16:40 | |
But you're a new dad, aren't you? | 0:16:41 | 0:16:43 | |
-Yeah. -I've got a two-and-a-half-year-old boy | 0:16:43 | 0:16:45 | |
and a one-year-old girl and we've moved out to the country, | 0:16:45 | 0:16:48 | |
out of London, and I went with a watering can and a broom. | 0:16:48 | 0:16:53 | |
I had... This was my garden, this little bit here in London, | 0:16:53 | 0:16:56 | |
and now suddenly we've got grass and trees and it's like, "Oh, my God, | 0:16:56 | 0:17:01 | |
"what am I going to do with this?" | 0:17:01 | 0:17:02 | |
And my son just knows that I'm an idiot and I'm not practical, | 0:17:02 | 0:17:06 | |
so he'll come in with a broken car and go, "Daddy, Daddy, | 0:17:06 | 0:17:11 | |
"where's Mummy?" | 0:17:11 | 0:17:12 | |
And it's really... | 0:17:20 | 0:17:21 | |
So I'm trying to man up and my father-in-law is just... | 0:17:21 | 0:17:25 | |
He's an engineer, so he's horrendously practical, | 0:17:25 | 0:17:28 | |
so I'm always trying to prove myself to him. | 0:17:28 | 0:17:30 | |
Oh, that's annoying, isn't it? | 0:17:30 | 0:17:31 | |
And I bought a scooter, cos I'm independent, | 0:17:31 | 0:17:33 | |
I'm going to nip down to the station and I can... | 0:17:33 | 0:17:35 | |
And he came walking out | 0:17:35 | 0:17:37 | |
and I thought, "No, I'm going to go before he goes," | 0:17:37 | 0:17:40 | |
and I didn't realise that I hadn't undone the padlock. | 0:17:40 | 0:17:43 | |
So I travelled about two-and-a-half centimetres | 0:17:44 | 0:17:47 | |
before the padlock got caught up in the spokes, | 0:17:47 | 0:17:49 | |
which is bad enough when you do it on your own, | 0:17:49 | 0:17:52 | |
but you do it in front of your father-in-law, | 0:17:52 | 0:17:54 | |
and he just looked at me and he goes, "Idiot." | 0:17:54 | 0:17:56 | |
The worst bit was I had to go to work and leave it | 0:17:57 | 0:18:00 | |
with my father-in-law to undo it cos I had tears running down my... | 0:18:00 | 0:18:03 | |
"I can't do it!" | 0:18:03 | 0:18:05 | |
"Where's Mummy?" | 0:18:05 | 0:18:06 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:18:06 | 0:18:08 | |
OK, Alex, here are your internet searches. | 0:18:08 | 0:18:13 | |
"How many balloons do I need to lift a two-year-old off the ground?" | 0:18:14 | 0:18:20 | |
Now, let's stop there. | 0:18:20 | 0:18:23 | |
That was a few Christmases ago | 0:18:23 | 0:18:26 | |
and the boys gave me all their lists of all the stuff they wanted, | 0:18:26 | 0:18:29 | |
you know, like laptop, phone, you know, annoying, | 0:18:29 | 0:18:31 | |
and then I asked the girls what they wanted, | 0:18:31 | 0:18:33 | |
-and the four-year-old said jelly... -LAUGHTER | 0:18:33 | 0:18:36 | |
-..which was just so cute. -Aw! | 0:18:36 | 0:18:38 | |
And the two-year-old just said she wanted to fly | 0:18:38 | 0:18:42 | |
and... So we all got together like... | 0:18:42 | 0:18:45 | |
She really, really wanted to fly. | 0:18:45 | 0:18:47 | |
And I didn't know what we were going to do, | 0:18:47 | 0:18:49 | |
but then I was looking on an agricultural website | 0:18:49 | 0:18:51 | |
and I noticed they did massive canisters of helium | 0:18:51 | 0:18:54 | |
and I thought, "Hmm," | 0:18:54 | 0:18:56 | |
and I started looking at balloon websites | 0:18:56 | 0:18:59 | |
and so for Christmas, we got, like, a massive canister of helium | 0:18:59 | 0:19:04 | |
and a load of balloons | 0:19:04 | 0:19:06 | |
and we started blowing them up and we were trying to fly around | 0:19:06 | 0:19:08 | |
-the big cow shed. -LAUGHTER | 0:19:08 | 0:19:11 | |
-And did you get her up? -No, we couldn't. | 0:19:11 | 0:19:13 | |
-Oh. -So you couldn't actually get your two... | 0:19:13 | 0:19:15 | |
But it was brilliant, it was absolutely brilliant | 0:19:15 | 0:19:17 | |
just having loads of massive balloons around. | 0:19:17 | 0:19:19 | |
Every Christmas, they say, "Can we...? This year... | 0:19:19 | 0:19:21 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:19:21 | 0:19:23 | |
"Can we fly?"" | 0:19:23 | 0:19:25 | |
Let's have a little look at some of your other searches here. | 0:19:25 | 0:19:28 | |
"What are the chords for Blur's Country House?" | 0:19:28 | 0:19:30 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:19:30 | 0:19:33 | |
Now, are you not one of the four people in the world | 0:19:33 | 0:19:36 | |
that probably should know this? | 0:19:36 | 0:19:38 | |
Well, it's, you know, we haven't played any of those songs, | 0:19:38 | 0:19:41 | |
like, we sort of split up in about 2003, got back together in 2009, | 0:19:41 | 0:19:46 | |
so I hadn't played any of those songs for ages | 0:19:46 | 0:19:48 | |
and it was really weird how most of them just came back, | 0:19:48 | 0:19:51 | |
could just do it all, but that one I couldn't get. | 0:19:51 | 0:19:54 | |
And people say that bands are suffering cos of the internet, | 0:19:56 | 0:19:59 | |
but it really came in handy, you know. | 0:19:59 | 0:20:01 | |
Leather nun. Now... | 0:20:04 | 0:20:06 | |
You know how to endear yourself to an Irish audience. | 0:20:08 | 0:20:10 | |
They were a great mid-'80s indie band. | 0:20:12 | 0:20:16 | |
-Were they? -But Googling "Leather Nun" | 0:20:17 | 0:20:19 | |
obviously does give you options. | 0:20:19 | 0:20:20 | |
-Cheesemakers. -Well, it's always good to see, you know, | 0:20:24 | 0:20:28 | |
what the competition's up to, I guess, you know, | 0:20:28 | 0:20:30 | |
who's winning prizes. | 0:20:30 | 0:20:31 | |
Really? So you're taking this seriously? | 0:20:31 | 0:20:33 | |
You actually Google the opposition? | 0:20:33 | 0:20:35 | |
Yeah, well, just sort of cheese generally, you know? | 0:20:35 | 0:20:37 | |
What kind of cheese do you make? | 0:20:39 | 0:20:40 | |
-Do a nice blue, madam, very nice blue. -Do you? | 0:20:40 | 0:20:43 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:20:43 | 0:20:44 | |
You know, a sort of really smelly Guernsey milk cheese | 0:20:44 | 0:20:47 | |
called Goddess and then a couple of goats' milk cheeses. | 0:20:47 | 0:20:51 | |
We've actually got some here. | 0:20:51 | 0:20:52 | |
-You never have! -Yes, we do. | 0:20:52 | 0:20:54 | |
Yes, we do. | 0:20:54 | 0:20:56 | |
Where are the bras? We need some wine. | 0:20:56 | 0:20:57 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:20:57 | 0:21:00 | |
-So, talk us through some of this. What have we got? -Well, | 0:21:00 | 0:21:04 | |
do you like goat's cheese? | 0:21:04 | 0:21:05 | |
Not really. | 0:21:05 | 0:21:07 | |
I prefer the other. | 0:21:07 | 0:21:08 | |
I'm not a huge goat's cheese, | 0:21:08 | 0:21:09 | |
-but I love cheese. -These two are goats' milk. | 0:21:09 | 0:21:11 | |
You know when goat's cheese tastes of goat? | 0:21:11 | 0:21:13 | |
-OK, I'm trying it. -That's why a lot of people don't like... | 0:21:13 | 0:21:15 | |
You know sometimes you get that really sort of billy-goaty | 0:21:15 | 0:21:18 | |
kind of tang? It should be sort of quite subtle, really, goat's cheese. | 0:21:18 | 0:21:21 | |
And then all orange cheeses are quite... | 0:21:21 | 0:21:23 | |
Are you having some, Patrick? | 0:21:23 | 0:21:24 | |
-Try a bit of that. -That's actually very nice. | 0:21:24 | 0:21:27 | |
That's all about the texture, it's kind of like salty cream. | 0:21:27 | 0:21:29 | |
And then this one, the first one we ever made, was absolutely delicious. | 0:21:29 | 0:21:33 | |
I'm like, "Wow, this is easy!" | 0:21:33 | 0:21:35 | |
This is amazing. Now, the thing I want to ask you is, | 0:21:35 | 0:21:37 | |
when your first cheese is a hit, | 0:21:37 | 0:21:38 | |
is it always hard when you come to that difficult second cheese? | 0:21:38 | 0:21:41 | |
This one nearly drove me... | 0:21:43 | 0:21:45 | |
It took seven years to get the recipe for the blue cheese right. | 0:21:45 | 0:21:47 | |
-That is delicious. -I have to say... -Thank you very much, my darling. -..they are absolutely delicious, | 0:21:47 | 0:21:51 | |
-they really are. -Thank you. -APPLAUSE | 0:21:51 | 0:21:54 | |
Some people use cheese for all kinds of things, not just eating. | 0:21:54 | 0:21:59 | |
Have a look at this. | 0:21:59 | 0:22:00 | |
-Wow. -This is a life-size cheese sculpture of Barack Obama. | 0:22:01 | 0:22:06 | |
This was originally black and then Donald Trump won the election. | 0:22:06 | 0:22:09 | |
And we also have this. | 0:22:11 | 0:22:12 | |
This is Dita von Cheese. | 0:22:14 | 0:22:17 | |
Made entirely from cheese by that lady, Prudence State. | 0:22:18 | 0:22:24 | |
And Prudence State joins us now, live on Skype. | 0:22:24 | 0:22:28 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:22:28 | 0:22:30 | |
So, Prudence, when did you realise you had this talent? | 0:22:33 | 0:22:36 | |
I always wanted to be a food artist | 0:22:36 | 0:22:39 | |
and I actually did my first sculpture when I was two years old. | 0:22:39 | 0:22:41 | |
So, what was that job when you were two years old? | 0:22:41 | 0:22:44 | |
I made a penguin out of a pear. | 0:22:44 | 0:22:46 | |
So a bit different to what I do now. | 0:22:46 | 0:22:48 | |
When did you start working with cheese? | 0:22:48 | 0:22:51 | |
About 15 years ago. | 0:22:51 | 0:22:53 | |
Didn't you do something with a pizza? | 0:22:53 | 0:22:56 | |
-Yeah. -I'm familiar with your work. | 0:22:56 | 0:22:57 | |
-What was it? -LAUGHTER | 0:22:57 | 0:23:01 | |
I've done quite a lot of celebrity faces on pizzas. | 0:23:02 | 0:23:04 | |
Probably done you on various things, | 0:23:04 | 0:23:06 | |
I would have thought, over the years. | 0:23:06 | 0:23:08 | |
I think what Alex is asking you, Prudence, is, | 0:23:08 | 0:23:10 | |
"Do you want to come for Christmas and float using some balloons?" | 0:23:10 | 0:23:13 | |
As long as I can make a sculpture, then yes. | 0:23:13 | 0:23:17 | |
How long did it take you to do Dita von Cheese? | 0:23:17 | 0:23:19 | |
Well, with working with cheese, | 0:23:19 | 0:23:21 | |
I don't have months like any other artist. | 0:23:21 | 0:23:23 | |
You know, if you're working in stone, | 0:23:23 | 0:23:24 | |
you can work on it for months and months and months. | 0:23:24 | 0:23:27 | |
Cheese, you've got to work pretty rapidly | 0:23:27 | 0:23:28 | |
so with that, it was about three or four days | 0:23:28 | 0:23:30 | |
working in a very cold environment. | 0:23:30 | 0:23:32 | |
Do you work with one particular type of cheese? | 0:23:32 | 0:23:35 | |
I'll work with any. A good cheddar's good. | 0:23:35 | 0:23:37 | |
I have worked with Stilton. | 0:23:37 | 0:23:38 | |
I've worked with Brie, which is a bit more technical. | 0:23:38 | 0:23:42 | |
Have you any idea how excited Alex James currently is? | 0:23:42 | 0:23:47 | |
Well, thank you very much, Prudence. I think it's time for Alex, | 0:23:47 | 0:23:51 | |
for Deirdre and for Chris and myself to give this a go. | 0:23:51 | 0:23:53 | |
Bring on the cheese. | 0:23:53 | 0:23:54 | |
Come on! | 0:23:54 | 0:23:55 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:23:55 | 0:23:58 | |
OK, Prudence - | 0:24:03 | 0:24:04 | |
we are by our cheese, we are ready to go. | 0:24:04 | 0:24:06 | |
Can you tell us what we're going to be making this evening? | 0:24:06 | 0:24:09 | |
I challenge you all to recreate my Dita von Cheese. | 0:24:09 | 0:24:13 | |
-DEIRDRE: -What?! | 0:24:13 | 0:24:15 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:24:15 | 0:24:18 | |
We're making Dita von Cheese | 0:24:19 | 0:24:22 | |
-from cheese? -In two minutes. | 0:24:22 | 0:24:24 | |
OK, Chris, how we feeling about this? | 0:24:25 | 0:24:27 | |
I was thinking of doing a sheep or a dog. | 0:24:27 | 0:24:29 | |
That's a bit of a challenge, but we'll do it, we're up to it. | 0:24:31 | 0:24:33 | |
-Deirdre? -Sure, we'll give it a lash. | 0:24:33 | 0:24:36 | |
Alex, you just can't wait to get stuck in here. | 0:24:37 | 0:24:40 | |
You just can't wait! | 0:24:40 | 0:24:41 | |
Your time starts now. TIMER BUZZES | 0:24:43 | 0:24:45 | |
Oh, it's a crime to muck about with this. | 0:24:45 | 0:24:47 | |
Look, look at those lovely calcium lactate. | 0:24:47 | 0:24:48 | |
Let's see... | 0:24:51 | 0:24:53 | |
You're going to go like that. | 0:24:55 | 0:24:57 | |
He's going for the big block. | 0:24:57 | 0:24:58 | |
I'm going for the slightly smaller block. | 0:24:58 | 0:25:00 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:25:00 | 0:25:05 | |
Then... OK, how are we doing, Prudence? | 0:25:05 | 0:25:08 | |
-There we go. -Oh, my God! | 0:25:10 | 0:25:13 | |
Brilliant. That's that? | 0:25:13 | 0:25:15 | |
OK, one minute left, everybody. One minute left. | 0:25:15 | 0:25:17 | |
That's what they're saying. | 0:25:17 | 0:25:18 | |
God, they are good, these cocktail sticks. | 0:25:18 | 0:25:20 | |
I think at the moment Chris is making something | 0:25:22 | 0:25:25 | |
very, very different to everybody else. | 0:25:25 | 0:25:27 | |
-Here we go. -Oh, no! | 0:25:29 | 0:25:31 | |
Here, like that, there she is. | 0:25:31 | 0:25:32 | |
Oh! | 0:25:32 | 0:25:35 | |
Ten, nine, eight... | 0:25:35 | 0:25:36 | |
Where are the...? Oh, there's the sticks. | 0:25:36 | 0:25:38 | |
..seven, six, five, four, | 0:25:38 | 0:25:43 | |
-AUDIENCE: -Three, two, | 0:25:43 | 0:25:45 | |
-one... -KLAXON BLARES | 0:25:45 | 0:25:47 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:25:47 | 0:25:50 | |
Stop, stop, stop! Stop working now! | 0:25:50 | 0:25:53 | |
OK. | 0:25:53 | 0:25:54 | |
Well, I think it's fair to say, Prudence, | 0:25:56 | 0:25:58 | |
that we've all gone for a slightly different interpretation... | 0:25:58 | 0:26:01 | |
-Whoa! -Wow! | 0:26:01 | 0:26:04 | |
..of Dita. First up, Chris, let's have a look at your... | 0:26:04 | 0:26:08 | |
Well, the inspiration was that I want a woman to be a woman, | 0:26:08 | 0:26:13 | |
so I want her to have a shape. | 0:26:13 | 0:26:16 | |
So... | 0:26:16 | 0:26:17 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:26:17 | 0:26:20 | |
I like a flat-chested woman. | 0:26:24 | 0:26:26 | |
Nice legs, strong arms, but not too big, | 0:26:28 | 0:26:33 | |
lovely big smile and gorgeous eyes that just stand out. | 0:26:33 | 0:26:37 | |
OK, Deirdre, what have you got for us? | 0:26:39 | 0:26:41 | |
Not much. It's all fallen apart now. | 0:26:41 | 0:26:44 | |
There's her little head. That was meant to be her arms | 0:26:44 | 0:26:46 | |
and her leg was meant to stick up in the air, | 0:26:46 | 0:26:48 | |
-but that's fallen down. -Oh, yeah. -And there were the boobies, look. | 0:26:48 | 0:26:51 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:26:51 | 0:26:53 | |
Alex? | 0:26:55 | 0:26:56 | |
-Mmm. -LAUGHTER | 0:26:56 | 0:26:59 | |
-This is fabulous. -This arm was always a worry. | 0:26:59 | 0:27:02 | |
Although there was an obvious choice what to do with those, wasn't there? | 0:27:02 | 0:27:05 | |
-Got the bunny ears. -Yeah. | 0:27:05 | 0:27:07 | |
I think that's a very good effort, very good effort. | 0:27:07 | 0:27:09 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:27:09 | 0:27:11 | |
Just got one thing missing, Prudence. | 0:27:11 | 0:27:15 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:27:15 | 0:27:17 | |
A little bit of Brie. | 0:27:17 | 0:27:19 | |
I've gone Brie for the head, Babybels for the eyes, | 0:27:19 | 0:27:22 | |
a little bit of cream cheese for the hair... | 0:27:22 | 0:27:24 | |
-That's excellent. -And I've finished it off with a little Dairylea. | 0:27:24 | 0:27:29 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:27:29 | 0:27:32 | |
Would you like to comment, Prudence? | 0:27:33 | 0:27:35 | |
They're very creative, all of them. | 0:27:35 | 0:27:38 | |
-Yes. -I'm going to go on the one that's got the most sort of drama, | 0:27:38 | 0:27:43 | |
so I'm going the one that's got the height and the biggest size breasts, | 0:27:43 | 0:27:46 | |
so I think it has to be Alex. | 0:27:46 | 0:27:48 | |
CHEERING | 0:27:48 | 0:27:51 | |
A big thank you to Prudence! There you go! | 0:27:54 | 0:27:56 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:27:56 | 0:27:59 | |
OK. That is all we've got time for tonight. | 0:28:03 | 0:28:06 | |
Here are your devices. | 0:28:06 | 0:28:08 | |
Thank you so much. | 0:28:08 | 0:28:10 | |
-Thank you. -Give it up one more time for Alex James, Deirdre O'Kane | 0:28:10 | 0:28:13 | |
and Chris Hollins! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:28:13 | 0:28:15 | |
We'll see you next time on Delete, Delete, Delete. Good night! | 0:28:15 | 0:28:18 |