Episode 3 Delete, Delete, Delete

CHEERING

Easy, now!

Hello, and welcome to Delete, Delete, Delete,

where, once again, three brave guests offer up their laptops

for an online pat-down.

As usual, we've told them that nothing is off-limits,

but as this is the BBC, we do have standards,

so the only celebrity arse you'll see tonight...

is me.

LAUGHTER

We've got some fantastic guests for you. Shall we bring them out?

-ALL:

-Yes!

OK. First up, a man who wowed the nation when he won

Strictly Come Dancing. Yes, yes, a proper champion!

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

So, tonight, we're going to find out if his hard drive

is as clean as his footwork.

Or if he's forgotten to wipe his cha-cha-cha.

Please, welcome Chris Hollins!

-Nice to see you.

-Is that yours?

Next up, a brilliant comedian and actress

from the Emmy award-winning Moone Boy,

who recently returned to Ireland after ten years in London.

Though having seen the contents of her laptop,

I've a feeling she might be going back there sooner than she thinks!

Please, welcome Deirdre O'Kane!

-You want that?

-Good to see you.

-How are you?

-Good.

And finally, a man who is the perfect combination

of '90s pop and cheese.

I know what you're thinking. "Oh, shit, they've booked Peter Andre."

But don't panic, this man makes real cheese and real music.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

All from his house, his very big house in the country.

Please, welcome Alex James!

-How are you? All right.

-Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Thanks for these. Welcome to the show.

So nice to be back in Belfast.

-Yes?

-It's been far too long.

-When was the last time?

I think Blur played in a pub here, actually,

that's how long ago it was.

-Now, Chris.

-Yes.

-You've been here a couple of times.

I've been here, yeah, on filming Secret Britain

and also the Strictly tour.

I can't believe he won Strictly, that is so impressive.

There are a lot of people can't believe I won Strictly Come Dancing!

I think it helps, like in anything else, when you have a great partner.

And we perfected, or I perfected,

that one where you have the beautiful dancer, that one.

You see, in Ireland, we call that forklift dancing.

Yes!

That's what we do, you know.

There are men, old men and women up and down the country, they do this.

And the woman's job, she's just the pallet on the front of the forklift.

-Her job is just to spin like that. She just does that.

-Oh!

And the man, he just does that.

That is it.

So, look, who shall we start with here tonight?

Let's start with Deirdre.

-Yes!

-Relief from Chris.

-Women and children first, is it?

Now, you love a little bit of online shopping. Don't we all?

-Oh, yeah.

-Yes. A couple of items have caught my eye.

First up was this.

The handmade knitted mermaid tail blanket.

Talk us through what the concept with this is.

Apart from the mermaid?

Do you have a little girl?

-I don't.

-Because I have two little girls

-and I know they're both going to want one.

-Yeah?

-Well, we just actually happen to have a couple here.

-Aw!

-So, we've got one there.

-Oh, look!

-Chris, if you want to try that on.

Thank you very much. Is it extra small for my legs?

These are nicer than what I got.

I was quite disappointed with these.

Because I was expecting, whenever I said a mermaid blanket,

I kind of thought that this was going to be covered in scales

-and be kind of Daryl Hannah.

-A bikini top?

How are you getting on with those combat boots there, Alex?

It's a sort of farmer mermaid.

Now, this is quite cosy, isn't it?

This is kind of Saturday night in our house every week,

legless on the sofa, watching X Factor!

I'm here all week! Wa-hey!

So, this is one of your items.

Quite cosy. It goes very well with another one of your items

-you've been looking at online.

-Oh, God!

This is the Winerack.

Now, talk us through this.

Well, I was on a job recently and everybody was talking about

going to Electric Picnic and how you weren't able to smuggle alcohol

into festivals any more. So, the chat became about this.

This was the answer - that people were wearing these bras

and filling them with alcohol, so that during the concert,

you could have a little drink for yourself!

And you could smuggle them in, obviously.

-This is for music festivals?

-Yeah.

-Not the school run?

You could adapt it to any situation, I'd say.

This is something that you haven't bought,

but you've been considering buying?

Well, I thought I'd just have to have a look at it,

to see if it was a real thing.

It is such a real thing, we've actually...

We've made one for you here.

So, I'll just pop this on here.

So, we just pop that on here.

And have you got alcohol in there?

There we go. Yeah. We've got one for Chris, if you want to pop that on.

APPLAUSE

-Want me to get yours?

-Yes, now that you're up.

Thanks. Thanks very much, Chris.

-Oh, that's my one.

-That's Alex.

-Oh, that's Alex.

-Thank you.

-I'll go, don't get up!

It's fine, Deirdre, sit where you are!

-Sit where you are, you're grand!

-Don't mind me.

So, how this works, we've got a little valve here,

that you have to just open that.

That's very, very Strictly!

LAUGHTER

What I love is that we actually have... We've real wine in here!

I love the way that Chris is just straight in there!

-I'm hands-on.

-It's fine!

-It's so comfortable.

Yeah. That's been my problem all my life

is that women feel very comfortable with me.

They don't view me as sexually threatening or anything like that!

-And that's not coming across as creepy at all(!)

-No, exactly.

I wish I hadn't started that!

There's only one problem with this, Deirdre.

Because it's only really women that can benefit from this,

I've actually come up with these.

These are the...

Now, it's only...

It's only a prototype.

But...

There we go.

Please, God, let it be red wine that comes out there.

LAUGHTER

-Oh, no!

-Aw...

But quite good for gigs.

Like, this would be quite good if you were...you know...

It's that bass player thing. I love that bass player thing that you do

where you just... You go up like that and you just kind of...

Yeah. Takes years of practice.

That's really just an excuse for me just to have a close-up shot

of this!

This is quite good. Now, Chris...

I like the way you're just patting it.

You're thinking, "Oh, yeah!

"If only, if only..."

I don't know, I've had two breasts and a scrotum, I think I'm drunk.

I'm quite tipsy so far, I have to say.

Now, Chris, you have been checking out something that would go

very well with all of this on a night out.

-It's this.

-Oh, yeah!

The silver glitterball helmet.

When you have done Strictly...

-Yes.

-And when you are in a very weak year and you manage to win it,

anything that has "glitterball" written in it is normally sent

to you or suggested that you should buy it,

and I have just got a scooter to commute on and I needed a helmet

and then suddenly, I looked at the glitterball helmet

and I thought, "Wow, I'm going to get that."

And then I suddenly thought, "No, traffic lights."

We have to stop occasionally

and you'd look a complete and utter knob.

I can see what you mean,

a lot of people would be looking at you, going, "Look at that helmet."

-LAUGHTER

-Yeah.

This is a real item.

The location is in the UK, so we decided to...

-Oh, you haven't!

-We decided that this is for you.

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, my God.

Aw!

It's extra, extra large.

-Oh! Perfect.

-Is that from winning Strictly?

-Close that, yeah.

-Don't want to stain my mermaid dress!

No! LAUGHTER

It feels right.

Well, with that bra, I think it looks fabulous.

So, talk to us about Strictly. I think you did very well.

I think there's two magnificent achievements.

You won, which I think is a great achievement.

APPLAUSE

And you didn't shag your partner.

LAUGHTER I mean...

Do you know what? And this was the most annoying thing about Strictly

cos there's always, you know, "Oh, Strictly... Hmm...

"you know." There's always a bit of that.

Not a sausage.

Not a rumour, you know.

There was one classic moment where we'd been dancing five weeks

and I was thinking, "There's got to be a rumour or two soon.

"We've done a few sexy dances."

Nothing. And then one time we were coming out of a taxi,

it was her birthday and we'd all been invited to her birthday party

and I thought, "Right, here we go, out the taxi,

"there'll be rumours now as we get out of here, like this."

And they were like, "Chris! Ola, Ola! Chris!"

All the paparazzi. And then suddenly they went "Chris, Chris!"

"Yeah?"

It is a weird one though cos loads of people go on that show.

It's almost the thing that if your marriage isn't going great,

you kind of think, "Aye-aye, bit of Strictly."

A little catalyst. Yeah, just like...

-Yeah.

-Mmm.

-OK, so, look, I'm just going to take this off because...

-Aw.

-I know.

-Is there a stain in there?

-Should we take a last slurp

if you're taking our wine away?

Anybody fancy these? LAUGHTER

Look, there's not a stain on them.

There's not a stain on them, they're fine.

There you go, sir. APPLAUSE

OK. At least when he's on the radio,

we don't have to look at that jug-eared tosser -

is just one of the things the internet says about me.

But what does it say about our guests?

Let's find out with Things The Internet Says About You.

Let's start with you, Alex.

Please tell me that's true.

It was quite a long while ago. When I was writing my book,

I thought I'd work out how much money I'd spent on champ...

Well, the... Cos you get booze on your rider when you tour.

-Yes.

-And I just totted it all up and I was like, "Wow."

You're saying that you were given a million pounds' worth of booze

-on your riders?

-Probably over, like, 15 years of doing gigs

most nights, yeah. Like, you know, three bottles of champagne,

couple of bottles of whisky -

-you know, what we had in the dressing room.

-So talk us through.

What was on the rider when you guys were turning up?

Lots of beer, lots of wine and then we'd try...

Like, Lego was popular for a while.

There'd be a big fight about who'd take all the Lego home

at the end of the tour. But then we got bored of that and then...

Trying to chop it up.

Building big white lines of Lego.

Legocaine.

Legocaine!

We always had local cheese and that was actually one of the reasons

I got so into cheese was, like, everywhere we went

where there was a new word for cheese,

there was a new thing for cheese,

so cheese was good, but it's kind of a form of torment, being asked,

-"What do you want?" every day.

-Yeah.

The only things that you really need every day

is new socks and new pants.

-That's, like, always good to see a new pair of pants, new pair of socks.

-Mmm.

-And...

-I probably did a million-pound underwear bender.

LAUGHTER

And on the next tour, there'll be some of those bras

with the red wine in them.

OK, Chris,

let's have a little look at what the internet had to say about you.

Oh, God!

Well, yeah. That's on my Wikipedia site, my whatever it is.

-That's where we got it.

-Do you?

I hate cats. I don't have a cat

and I didn't realise that anyone can edit it, right?

And I went down and I saw Chris Hollins works at the BBC

and he went to this school and that university, whatever.

And there down there, Personal Life, and it said, "Chris Hollins

"has just come out of a two-year relationship,

"but he's very happy now living with his photographer boyfriend..."

LAUGHTER

"..and they have a cat called Tootsie."

-And I thought...

-Here it is.

Here it is. That's...

And I thought, "Where the hell's that come from?"

And I know, I think I know who did it.

It's a mate of mine, cos that's his sort of humour.

I've never confronted him about it,

but I think it's one of my university mates.

So then I took off, "With my boyfriend Carlos" and then...

What do you mean you took off with your boyfriend Carlos?

-LAUGHTER

-He put that glitterball helmet on

-and they road off into the sunset.

-I didn't take off with him,

-but I took it off.

-"Come on, baby, let's go!"

And then a week later it was like,

"No, it's been confirmed in a recent interview with the Telegraph

"that he is still with Carlos."

And I was thinking, "OK, I'll leave that now

-"cos it was just going to get bigger and bigger."

-OK.

You've all turned to the internet

to ask the usual mundane everyday questions.

Deirdre, let's start with what you've been asking the internet.

"How much does a hooker get paid?" LAUGHTER

"Does a chicken go off after two days?"

"What should I wear to give birth?"

"Hand-painted Chinese chess set."

"How to cook sushi at home."

-Now...

-Which one would you like me to talk through?

I think we should probably start with the first one.

Now, I thought your career as an actress was going very well.

Not well enough, as it turns out,

but, yeah, I took a year out to become...

LAUGHTER

..to become a stay-at-home mum for a year

and I was so demented by the end of it that I considered

becoming a hooker just to get out in the evenings.

I remember thinking, "The hours would suit me and..."

I put a lot of thought into it, you know.

And how much does a hooker get paid?

I don't know, but I remember thinking

if I made enough money for wine,

-it'd be worth it.

-LAUGHTER

Well, Alex, you were a rock star for ten years.

How much does a hooker gets paid?

OK, does a chicken go off after two days?

Look, that's every mother's frigging nightmare right there,

chicken in the bloody fridge.

So this is...

No reaction!

The dead chicken.

This isn't just if you buy a chicken.

-When does it leave?

-I tell you what, it was amazing to me,

I couldn't believe how challenging I found that year,

being a full-time, stay-at-home mum.

I was just astounded by how hard it was

and I became obsessed with food and the dinners and my head...

This is how I used to think when I was by myself,

I'd be thinking, "What will we have for the dinner,

"the bedtime snack, the breakfast, the mid-morning snack,

"the lunch, the afternoon snack, the dinner,

"the hot chocolate, the breakfasts, the lunches, the lunchbox,

"the laundry will never be done, the dinner...

"Jesus, we're back at the dinner again."

Then I'd think, "There's chicken in the fridge,

"how long is that there? Two days, maybe it's three.

"Still, if in doubt, throw it out. Oh, no, I'm sure it's fine,

"sure the sell-by dates are only for insurance."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, Chris, let's look at what you've been asking the internet.

Oh...

"How to start my scooter."

"Get padlock out of scooter wheel."

"How to charge a battery."

"How can I man up?" LAUGHTER

It's a tragic tale.

But you're a new dad, aren't you?

-Yeah.

-I've got a two-and-a-half-year-old boy

and a one-year-old girl and we've moved out to the country,

out of London, and I went with a watering can and a broom.

I had... This was my garden, this little bit here in London,

and now suddenly we've got grass and trees and it's like, "Oh, my God,

"what am I going to do with this?"

And my son just knows that I'm an idiot and I'm not practical,

so he'll come in with a broken car and go, "Daddy, Daddy,

"where's Mummy?"

And it's really...

So I'm trying to man up and my father-in-law is just...

He's an engineer, so he's horrendously practical,

so I'm always trying to prove myself to him.

Oh, that's annoying, isn't it?

And I bought a scooter, cos I'm independent,

I'm going to nip down to the station and I can...

And he came walking out

and I thought, "No, I'm going to go before he goes,"

and I didn't realise that I hadn't undone the padlock.

So I travelled about two-and-a-half centimetres

before the padlock got caught up in the spokes,

which is bad enough when you do it on your own,

but you do it in front of your father-in-law,

and he just looked at me and he goes, "Idiot."

The worst bit was I had to go to work and leave it

with my father-in-law to undo it cos I had tears running down my...

"I can't do it!"

"Where's Mummy?"

LAUGHTER

OK, Alex, here are your internet searches.

"How many balloons do I need to lift a two-year-old off the ground?"

Now, let's stop there.

That was a few Christmases ago

and the boys gave me all their lists of all the stuff they wanted,

you know, like laptop, phone, you know, annoying,

and then I asked the girls what they wanted,

-and the four-year-old said jelly...

-LAUGHTER

-..which was just so cute.

-Aw!

And the two-year-old just said she wanted to fly

and... So we all got together like...

She really, really wanted to fly.

And I didn't know what we were going to do,

but then I was looking on an agricultural website

and I noticed they did massive canisters of helium

and I thought, "Hmm,"

and I started looking at balloon websites

and so for Christmas, we got, like, a massive canister of helium

and a load of balloons

and we started blowing them up and we were trying to fly around

-the big cow shed.

-LAUGHTER

-And did you get her up?

-No, we couldn't.

-Oh.

-So you couldn't actually get your two...

But it was brilliant, it was absolutely brilliant

just having loads of massive balloons around.

Every Christmas, they say, "Can we...? This year...

LAUGHTER

"Can we fly?""

Let's have a little look at some of your other searches here.

"What are the chords for Blur's Country House?"

LAUGHTER

Now, are you not one of the four people in the world

that probably should know this?

Well, it's, you know, we haven't played any of those songs,

like, we sort of split up in about 2003, got back together in 2009,

so I hadn't played any of those songs for ages

and it was really weird how most of them just came back,

could just do it all, but that one I couldn't get.

And people say that bands are suffering cos of the internet,

but it really came in handy, you know.

Leather nun. Now...

You know how to endear yourself to an Irish audience.

They were a great mid-'80s indie band.

-Were they?

-But Googling "Leather Nun"

obviously does give you options.

-Cheesemakers.

-Well, it's always good to see, you know,

what the competition's up to, I guess, you know,

who's winning prizes.

Really? So you're taking this seriously?

You actually Google the opposition?

Yeah, well, just sort of cheese generally, you know?

What kind of cheese do you make?

-Do a nice blue, madam, very nice blue.

-Do you?

LAUGHTER

You know, a sort of really smelly Guernsey milk cheese

called Goddess and then a couple of goats' milk cheeses.

We've actually got some here.

-You never have!

-Yes, we do.

Yes, we do.

Where are the bras? We need some wine.

LAUGHTER

-So, talk us through some of this. What have we got?

-Well,

do you like goat's cheese?

Not really.

I prefer the other.

I'm not a huge goat's cheese,

-but I love cheese.

-These two are goats' milk.

You know when goat's cheese tastes of goat?

-OK, I'm trying it.

-That's why a lot of people don't like...

You know sometimes you get that really sort of billy-goaty

kind of tang? It should be sort of quite subtle, really, goat's cheese.

And then all orange cheeses are quite...

Are you having some, Patrick?

-Try a bit of that.

-That's actually very nice.

That's all about the texture, it's kind of like salty cream.

And then this one, the first one we ever made, was absolutely delicious.

I'm like, "Wow, this is easy!"

This is amazing. Now, the thing I want to ask you is,

when your first cheese is a hit,

is it always hard when you come to that difficult second cheese?

This one nearly drove me...

It took seven years to get the recipe for the blue cheese right.

-That is delicious.

-I have to say...

-Thank you very much, my darling.

-..they are absolutely delicious,

-they really are.

-Thank you.

-APPLAUSE

Some people use cheese for all kinds of things, not just eating.

Have a look at this.

-Wow.

-This is a life-size cheese sculpture of Barack Obama.

This was originally black and then Donald Trump won the election.

And we also have this.

This is Dita von Cheese.

Made entirely from cheese by that lady, Prudence State.

And Prudence State joins us now, live on Skype.

APPLAUSE

So, Prudence, when did you realise you had this talent?

I always wanted to be a food artist

and I actually did my first sculpture when I was two years old.

So, what was that job when you were two years old?

I made a penguin out of a pear.

So a bit different to what I do now.

When did you start working with cheese?

About 15 years ago.

Didn't you do something with a pizza?

-Yeah.

-I'm familiar with your work.

-What was it?

-LAUGHTER

I've done quite a lot of celebrity faces on pizzas.

Probably done you on various things,

I would have thought, over the years.

I think what Alex is asking you, Prudence, is,

"Do you want to come for Christmas and float using some balloons?"

As long as I can make a sculpture, then yes.

How long did it take you to do Dita von Cheese?

Well, with working with cheese,

I don't have months like any other artist.

You know, if you're working in stone,

you can work on it for months and months and months.

Cheese, you've got to work pretty rapidly

so with that, it was about three or four days

working in a very cold environment.

Do you work with one particular type of cheese?

I'll work with any. A good cheddar's good.

I have worked with Stilton.

I've worked with Brie, which is a bit more technical.

Have you any idea how excited Alex James currently is?

Well, thank you very much, Prudence. I think it's time for Alex,

for Deirdre and for Chris and myself to give this a go.

Bring on the cheese.

Come on!

APPLAUSE

OK, Prudence -

we are by our cheese, we are ready to go.

Can you tell us what we're going to be making this evening?

I challenge you all to recreate my Dita von Cheese.

-DEIRDRE:

-What?!

LAUGHTER

We're making Dita von Cheese

-from cheese?

-In two minutes.

OK, Chris, how we feeling about this?

I was thinking of doing a sheep or a dog.

That's a bit of a challenge, but we'll do it, we're up to it.

-Deirdre?

-Sure, we'll give it a lash.

Alex, you just can't wait to get stuck in here.

You just can't wait!

Your time starts now. TIMER BUZZES

Oh, it's a crime to muck about with this.

Look, look at those lovely calcium lactate.

Let's see...

You're going to go like that.

He's going for the big block.

I'm going for the slightly smaller block.

LAUGHTER

Then... OK, how are we doing, Prudence?

-There we go.

-Oh, my God!

Brilliant. That's that?

OK, one minute left, everybody. One minute left.

That's what they're saying.

God, they are good, these cocktail sticks.

I think at the moment Chris is making something

very, very different to everybody else.

-Here we go.

-Oh, no!

Here, like that, there she is.

Oh!

Ten, nine, eight...

Where are the...? Oh, there's the sticks.

..seven, six, five, four,

-AUDIENCE:

-Three, two,

-one...

-KLAXON BLARES

APPLAUSE

Stop, stop, stop! Stop working now!

OK.

Well, I think it's fair to say, Prudence,

that we've all gone for a slightly different interpretation...

-Whoa!

-Wow!

..of Dita. First up, Chris, let's have a look at your...

Well, the inspiration was that I want a woman to be a woman,

so I want her to have a shape.

So...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I like a flat-chested woman.

Nice legs, strong arms, but not too big,

lovely big smile and gorgeous eyes that just stand out.

OK, Deirdre, what have you got for us?

Not much. It's all fallen apart now.

There's her little head. That was meant to be her arms

and her leg was meant to stick up in the air,

-but that's fallen down.

-Oh, yeah.

-And there were the boobies, look.

APPLAUSE

Alex?

-Mmm.

-LAUGHTER

-This is fabulous.

-This arm was always a worry.

Although there was an obvious choice what to do with those, wasn't there?

-Got the bunny ears.

-Yeah.

I think that's a very good effort, very good effort.

APPLAUSE

Just got one thing missing, Prudence.

LAUGHTER

A little bit of Brie.

I've gone Brie for the head, Babybels for the eyes,

a little bit of cream cheese for the hair...

-That's excellent.

-And I've finished it off with a little Dairylea.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Would you like to comment, Prudence?

They're very creative, all of them.

-Yes.

-I'm going to go on the one that's got the most sort of drama,

so I'm going the one that's got the height and the biggest size breasts,

so I think it has to be Alex.

CHEERING

A big thank you to Prudence! There you go!

APPLAUSE

OK. That is all we've got time for tonight.

Here are your devices.

Thank you so much.

-Thank you.

-Give it up one more time for Alex James, Deirdre O'Kane

and Chris Hollins! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We'll see you next time on Delete, Delete, Delete. Good night!