Episode 1 Detectorists


Episode 1

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This programme contains some strong language

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BIRDSONG

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METAL DETECTOR BEEPS

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Anything?

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Fuck all.

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Three shotgun caps and a blakey.

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HE SIGHS

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METAL DETECTOR BEEPS FASTER

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What you got?

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Ring-pull.

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'83.

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Tizer.

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-What do you do with them?

-Bag them up. Stick 'em on eBay.

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People buy this shit.

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Sad tits.

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You said it.

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# Will you search through the lonely earth for me?

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# Climb through the briar brambles

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# I'll be your treasure

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# I'm waiting for you

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# I'm waiting for you. #

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-See University Challenge last night?

-Yeah.

-Anything?

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No.

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You?

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Nah.

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Nearly got Benjamin Britten.

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-You can't nearly get an answer right.

-I had it in my head.

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Didn't say anything. Chickened out.

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-Were you on your own?

-Yeah.

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But you were still too scared to say it out loud?

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-Yeah.

-Doesn't count.

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I know.

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Should have gone for it.

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I know.

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You going up the club Tuesday?

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-What's happening?

-Terry's giving a talk on buttons.

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-Buttons?

-You heard me!

-Christ! Sod that!

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Yeah. I think I'll give that a miss.

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Here. Did I ever tell you about the beautiful old battle-axe

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-I once found?

-Yeah. You married her.

-I married her.

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-Have I done that one for you before?

-Well, you've said it before, yeah.

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A few times. Wouldn't exactly call it a stand-up routine.

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You've added the word "beautiful" since the last time you said it.

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Yeah. Well, she was beautiful, Mags. Mental, though.

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And that's why I divorced her.

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She left you for the manager of Pizza Hut.

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Yeah. Mental!

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She was a hippy, you know... into crystals and all that shit.

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Used to wear vanilla perfume.

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-Oh, yeah.

-Stank like Play-Doh.

-Heads up. Who's this?

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Don't know.

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-Hi.

-Hello.

-I saw you in the field earlier.

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Sorry to interrupt, but are you metal detectors?

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No, my dear.

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This is a metal detector.

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We are metal detectorists.

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Oh, right. Sorry.

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Not a problem at all.

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-I'm Sophie.

-Pleased to meet you, Sophie. I'm Lance and this is...

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-Andy.

-I'm a student. History student. I thought it would

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be interesting to know what kind of things you guys find.

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-Local history.

-Wise choice, Sophie. What you got there, Andrew?

-Um...

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Bits and pieces.

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A Victorian penny, and then Battle of Britain. That's nice.

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-Worth a few quid on the interweb.

-Won't do it, mate.

-Idiot!

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-Why not?

-I don't sell my finds. I don't agree with it.

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He must have half a tonne of scrap round at his place.

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Hope you're up to date with your tetanus, mate!

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Don't know why he doesn't invest in some jiffy bags.

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-He could give up the cleaning job.

-Are you a cleaner?

-No.

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-He is a cleaner.

-It's a temping agency.

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-They get me all kinds of work.

-All kinds of cleaning work.

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-Mainly, yeah.

-Andy here is studying for an archaeology degree.

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-Been doing it for... How long is it, mate?

-Long time.

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But I'll get there and when I'm a qualified archaeologist,

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-that's when I get to see the good stuff.

-Bone.

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Bits of pot. Swap his detector for a palette knife

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and spend the rest of his life scraping the dirt off dirt.

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No, thank you! Show me to the non-ferrous metals, mate!

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-Do you guys belong to a club?

-DMDC.

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Danebury Metal Detecting Club?

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In the Scout hall, opposite the Two Brewers on the high street.

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Oh, right. And what sort of thing happens there?

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Well, we compare finds, discuss the hobby.

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Sometimes we get a guest speaker in.

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This Tuesday, Terry, club president, is giving a talk on buttons.

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-Buttons?

-You heard him.

-Wow, outrageous(!)

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You guys going along?

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-Yeah.

-Yeah. Probably.

-Yeah, we'll be there.

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Will it be OK for me to pop in?

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-Yeah.

-Don't see why not.

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OK, cool. Well, I'll see you there, then.

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See you.

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-Bye.

-Bye, Sophie.

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Could be good, buttons.

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Yeah...

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Yeah.

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Hello.

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-All right?

-Yeah. You?

-Yeah.

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-You're late.

-Yeah, I went to the pub.

-Oh. Which one?

-The Brewers.

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-The Two Brewers?

-Yeah.

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The pub on the corner of our road?

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Yeah.

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-Oh, nice.

-Sorry. I should have phoned.

-Might have been nice.

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I was with Lance. I didn't think you'd want to hang out with Lance.

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You think he's a bit of a dick.

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I think you're a bit of a dick as well, but I hang out with you.

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Might have been nice to have a drink on a Saturday night

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at the end of my road, with a couple of dicks.

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Sorry.

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-Did you find anything good today?

-Nah. Not much.

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Right.

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Are you all right?

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Are you pissed off with me detecting?

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No, I don't mind, if you enjoy it,

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if it's helping towards your studies.

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I need to find a new place to search.

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All we turn up these days is litter and ring-pulls.

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This is the land of the Saxons.

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I want to discover where they buried their warriors and their kings.

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-Instead of where they had their snacks and soft drinks?

-Exactly.

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But we're on it.

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-We're going to strike gold soon and then we'll be rich.

-Oh, cool.

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We'll go to Africa. I'll set up my school. You can go and dig holes.

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-Can Lance come?

-No!

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I did find a good penny.

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-Young Victoria. 1865.

-SHE PRETENDS TO YAWN

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Shut up! That's been in the ground 150 years.

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Imagine who dropped that a century and a half ago.

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-YAWNS AGAIN

-Oh, yeah, brilliant(!)

-You cow.

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-Still think I'm brilliant?

-Course I do.

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You're my Lord Carnarvon, my Howard Carter.

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-You're going to discover the Valley of the Kings.

-In Essex.

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In Essex.

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-Can you see anything?

-Yes!

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-Wonderful things!

-SHE CHUCKLES

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Hello, love.

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You all right?

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Yeah. Just off to work.

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-You all right?

-Yeah, good.

-Business good?

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-Oh, it's all right, you know?

-Good. Good.

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Cos I just... I know... I found your Purple...Rain album and I wondered...

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Do you want me to drop that round?

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-Oh, yeah. Would you mind?

-Yeah.

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Sure. Cos...I thought you...

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I know you like that song When Doves Cry.

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-When Doves Cry, yeah.

-You got a record player...?

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Tony's got one. Really nice vintage one.

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-Oh, good.

-He's here, actually. You should say hello.

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-Oh, you're all right, cos...

-TONY, LANCE IS HERE!

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Er...

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Hello, mate. Long time no see.

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-Yep.

-Did you just pop in to say hello?

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No, I needed a...scented candle.

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-Didn't think they were your style. For you?

-Just a present for someone.

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Ooh! A girl?

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-No.

-A boy?

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No. A girl, yeah.

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-Girlfriend?

-No.

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Well... Yeah.

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Ooh!

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-Who is she?

-Oh, no-one. Just...someone.

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What flavour?

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-Pardon?

-The candle.

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Oh... I don't know. What have you got?

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-I like bergamot and vetiver.

-Mm.

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I'll just have a vanilla.

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-Always think they smell like minicabs.

-£3.75.

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-Cheers.

-Do you want your change?

-Cheers, Mags. Bye.

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Yeah, bye, love.

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VACUUM CLEANER WHIRS

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SWITCHES VACUUM CLEANER OFF

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Bollocks, mate! You just want to see that girl again.

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Yes, you do. I can read you like a book. Anyway, she won't turn up.

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Good. Well, you won't be disappointed, then, will you?

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No, come round mine.

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I'll knock you up a ruby and we can head over together.

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Anything you don't eat?

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Yeah. Apart from meat and fish.

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OK. Hold on.

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Ted! Is it all right if I knock off after I've done those aubergines?

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Yeah, OK. Back in an hour.

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Adios.

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MOBILE PHONE RINGS

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Hey.

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Lance has invited us

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round for a curry before we head over to the club tonight.

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Do you want to come?

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Obviously not! For so many reasons,

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not least of which is the fact I'm not really invited.

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You're just saying that cos I had a go at you the other night.

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What's happening at the club tonight?

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-Buttons?!

-You heard me. Do you want to come?

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Fuck off!

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-All right. I love you. See you later.

-Yeah, you too. See you later.

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# I've lived in a box by the rails

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# Only thing you use, you don't fail

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# When you live in a box by the rails

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# Don't comb your hair, don't comb your tail

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# Sweep my mess away

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# Leave my body, leave my bones

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# Leave me home and leave my soul

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# Leave me nothing I don't need at all

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# Nothing I don't need at all. #

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KNOCKS ON GLASS

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Nice tits.

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Why, thank you.

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-Something smells...

-Delicious?

-No.

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Something just smells.

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Very droll.

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Here, stick those peelings in the compost for me, would you?

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You've only got a balcony. What do you use compost for?

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Never know when it might come in handy.

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What's that?

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Dunlop SP244, isn't it?

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So, I was reading cos of the hot dry summer we've had,

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a lot of the earth works and archaeological sites have

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started to show up as dry patches in the fields.

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Right, so I had a look on Google Earth.

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Looked round the local areas, scanning the fields,

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-see what I could see.

-Right.

-And look.

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Hembristone. You know those cabbage fields off the B1010?

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Well, look at this,

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ring-shaped feature in the field.

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OK.

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Iron Age roundhouse. But wait, there's more.

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Move to the left and voila!

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Another one.

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But move again to the left and here's yet another.

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Slightly larger circular feature, but this is different.

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This one has some sort of entrance leading to an enclosure. A gateway.

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All in a line.

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Iron Age settlement.

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-Iron Age settlement?

-Look at it. Right there.

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Mate, you look at it.

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Notice anything?

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What? No.

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Do these features seem to spell anything?

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No.

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Wait, erm...

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G-O-O...

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-Oh, fucking...

-Do they seem to spell Google?

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-Fuck it!

-You prick.

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-It's the Google Earth watermark.

-It's the Google Earth watermark.

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Well, I bet you've fallen for that before.

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Yeah, but I realised within 15 seconds and I never told anyone.

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HE SIGHS

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No, look. Tell you where we want to be. I've been doing my own recon.

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This farm, here.

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-I don't remember anyone ever going there before, do you?

-No.

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Look, this is the original Roman road running up the side.

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Where you've got Roman, who's to say you haven't got Saxon as well?

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We all know there's a Saxon ship burial

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somewhere in this part of the county.

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We've just got to find it first.

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Saxon hoard.

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-It's basically the Holy Grail of treasure hunting.

-Well, no.

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The Holy Grail is the Holy Grail of treasure hunting.

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If you're going to be pedantic

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the Ark of the Covenant is the Holy Grail.

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Let's talk to Terry, see if he knows who owns this land.

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Kerchink.

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Ching!

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And though occasionally a button will turn up with some

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sort of decoration or insignia, the majority, and I mean the vast

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majority, as you've seen from my slides, are completely featureless.

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And so, if you think about the number of buttons

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our predecessors had on their clothes,

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compared with the number of coins

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they would be carrying in their pockets, is it any wonder that we

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find many more buttons in our day-to-day detecting

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than we do coins?

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So the humble, boring button is a very real piece of social history.

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Lights, please, Sheila.

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Sheila?

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Thanks, darling.

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Button.

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So, any questions?

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Nobody?

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Righto, then.

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Ahem. Club notices.

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Now, some of you have been complaining about other

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detecting clubs muscling in on your sites.

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Yes, it's those wankers from the Antiquisearchers.

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-They're spying on us.

-Russell...

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I spent weeks researching that site, putting together a portfolio,

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only to find that someone had got there the day before me

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and secured permission.

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The Antiquisearchers are officially affiliated with the museum.

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I find it very hard to believe that they would be that underhand.

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To be on the safe side, I will not be accepting any new members

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until the beginning of next season.

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DOOR OPENS

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Hello. Is this the metal detecting club?

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-Hello, Sophie. Everybody, this is my friend Sophie.

-Hi!

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Welcome to the mass ranks of the Danebury Metal Detecting Club.

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-Come in. Come in.

-I hope you don't mind.

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I was just interested in seeing what was going on

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and what kind of things you'd found.

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I understood there was going to be a talk about buttons?

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-I'm Russell.

-Welcome, Sophie. You are very welcome.

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I'm afraid you've just missed my talk about buttons,

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but I'll very happily do a recap.

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-No!

-Please, no!

-That's OK. Don't worry. Thank you.

0:19:100:19:14

Well, take a seat, Sophie,

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and welcome to the Danebury Metal Detecting Club.

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-What happened to "no new members", Terry?

-Sorry?

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You just said we're not accepting any new members.

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-It's all right.

-Sophie's cool. We know Sophie.

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There we are, then.

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-If we are all in agreement... Welcome, Sophie.

-Thank you.

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-What do you think?

-Yeah, it was interesting.

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How was the talk on buttons?

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Adrenalin-fuelled.

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-What's next week?

-Monster Munch packets.

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This land belongs to one Lawrence Bishop. Mad as a frog.

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People have tried to get permission, but he always refuses.

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Doesn't want people digging around on his land. Very odd character.

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-Yeah?

-Yeah, his wife disappeared years back.

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Back when I was on the force.

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I wasn't involved in the case, personally,

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but I know they had a very big file on it.

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They watched him for years. Couldn't ever get anything on him.

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Not even enough to get a warrant out to search his land.

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That doesn't bode well!

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That's got to be a first. Student buys round!

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Yeah, funny.

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-What are you studying?

-Ancient history.

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Oh, wow. You're in the right place! Ha-ha!

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You want to get yourself a detector and get out there in the mud.

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I'll take you out, if you like.

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-That'd be good. Someone text me when you going out next?

-Saturday?

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I can't do Saturday. I'm taking Mags and her mum to bingo.

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-Again?

-Who's Mags? Is that your wife?

-Ex-wife. She uses him.

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She doesn't use me. I want to help.

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-Why can't the Pizza Hut manager take them?

-I like doing it.

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Bollocks, mate. You want to forget her, otherwise

0:20:570:21:00

she'll keep on taking the piss. Move on.

0:21:000:21:02

Cheers for the advice, mate, that I neither asked for nor wanted.

0:21:020:21:05

Mind your own bloody business.

0:21:050:21:07

-What about you, Andy? Have you got a wife?

-Me? No, no. I'm not married.

0:21:070:21:11

BELL RINGS

0:21:110:21:13

-Shall I get us another one in?

-It's my round. Same again?

-Um...

0:21:130:21:16

No, I'd better get going. Early start in the morning.

0:21:160:21:19

That's got to be a first! Student gets up early!

0:21:190:21:22

Oh, funny(!)

0:21:230:21:24

We're going to call it a night too, aren't we, darling?

0:21:240:21:27

Ah. Tango class in the morning.

0:21:290:21:31

-No, it's tap tomorrow, Terry.

-Course! It's Wednesday! Ha-ha!

0:21:310:21:36

-Bye, all.

-Night-night.

-See you.

0:21:360:21:40

-After you, madam.

-Thank you.

0:21:400:21:42

What was that about?

0:21:450:21:47

-What?

-You know what.

0:21:470:21:49

-What?

-Why didn't you mention Becky when she asked if you were married?

0:21:490:21:52

I'm not married.

0:21:520:21:53

No, but you've got a long-term girlfriend called Becky.

0:21:530:21:56

-Who I was about to mention and I was interrupted, remember?

-Oh, right.

0:21:560:22:00

Yeah.

0:22:000:22:02

What were you saying before they left?

0:22:030:22:06

-Your ex-wife taking the piss?

-No. Something about "same again".

0:22:060:22:11

-Same again?

-Yeah, thanks very much.

0:22:110:22:12

-You do.

-I don't.

-You do. You always mention what she's wearing.

0:22:170:22:21

That's because I don't like what she's wearing.

0:22:210:22:24

You say it every time she comes on the telly.

0:22:240:22:27

I never like what she's wearing.

0:22:270:22:29

-I don't fancy Fiona Bruce.

-Yes, you do!

0:22:290:22:32

No, I don't. I tried once.

0:22:320:22:34

Thought she'd be a good person off the TV to fancy,

0:22:340:22:37

but I couldn't manage it, didn't get very far.

0:22:370:22:40

-Who do you fancy off the telly?

-No-one springs to mind.

-Bullshit!

0:22:400:22:45

-There must be someone.

-No, I can't think of anyone.

0:22:450:22:48

-Susanna Reid!

-No. You're the only one for me, Becks.

0:22:480:22:53

Idiot.

0:22:530:22:55

You still on for going to my sister's tomorrow?

0:22:550:22:58

-Oh, I'm going out with Lance.

-Oh, what?

-Sorry, I forgot.

0:22:580:23:01

-Jesus! You spend more time with him than you do with me!

-No, I don't.

0:23:010:23:04

-What time are you going?

-For lunch!

0:23:040:23:07

Oh, we'll probably be finished by then anyway. We're just

0:23:070:23:09

-going to see some mad landowner, try and get his permission.

-Right,

0:23:090:23:12

and if he gives you permission, you'll want to go detecting.

0:23:120:23:16

-True.

-Have to hope he doesn't, then.

-Fingers crossed.

0:23:160:23:20

Oh, can we switch over? She's starting to make me feel sick!

0:23:210:23:24

SHE CHUCKLES

0:23:240:23:26

-QI?

-Yes!

0:23:290:23:31

-Did you hear that on QI last night?

-Oh, I knew it before it was on QI.

0:23:310:23:36

Right.

0:23:360:23:37

It was just a coincidence that you said it the day after it was on QI.

0:23:370:23:41

Just reminded me of it, that's all.

0:23:410:23:43

Here we are.

0:23:470:23:49

You think this is wise?

0:23:490:23:51

Tell you what, let me do the talking. I'll turn on the charm.

0:23:510:23:55

You're just a bit...awkward.

0:23:550:23:58

Yeah, cheers.

0:23:580:23:59

Don't try any of your stand-up on him.

0:23:590:24:02

KNOCKS ON DOOR

0:24:120:24:13

-FROM INSIDE:

-Get back! Go on! Get back in there!

0:24:130:24:16

Get down! Stay back in there!

0:24:160:24:17

-Yes?

-Sorry to disturb you, sir.

-Have you come about the...?

0:24:190:24:23

-The?

-The...

0:24:250:24:27

What have you come about?

0:24:270:24:29

-No, you're not actually expecting us.

-Am I not?

0:24:310:24:34

No, we're actually metal detectorists.

0:24:340:24:37

We were wondering if you'd give us

0:24:370:24:39

-your permission to detect on your land.

-Good Lord!

0:24:390:24:42

-Was it a competition?

-Pardon?

-Did I send off for it?

0:24:420:24:46

No. I guess it's just your lucky day.

0:24:460:24:49

Fascinating.

0:24:490:24:51

Cup of tea?

0:24:510:24:52

Don't mind the dogs.

0:24:550:24:56

They're a bit boisterous, but they're only being friendly.

0:24:560:25:00

Push them off the sofa if they're in the way.

0:25:000:25:02

They shouldn't even be on the furniture.

0:25:020:25:04

FLY BUZZES

0:25:140:25:17

-So... Mr Bishop...

-Larry, please.

0:25:220:25:25

-Larry, you've never given anyone permission before.

-No, never.

0:25:250:25:29

-So, no-one's ever detected on this land?

-No.

0:25:300:25:35

There was that dig years ago.

0:25:350:25:38

-Sorry. Dig, Larry?

-Archaeological dig, before the war.

0:25:400:25:44

My grandfather told me about it when I was wearing short trousers.

0:25:440:25:47

When I was a child.

0:25:500:25:52

-Yes.

-Yes, and did they f-find anything?

-No. They didn't have time.

0:25:520:25:55

Dug a couple of trenches, then the war happened,

0:25:550:25:58

and they had more important things to spend the money on.

0:25:580:26:01

Any idea what they were looking for?

0:26:010:26:03

No idea.

0:26:030:26:05

So, Larry, er...

0:26:050:26:08

-would you mind if we had a little look around?

-Not at all.

0:26:080:26:13

Let me know what you turn up.

0:26:130:26:16

Stay out of the paddock on Birchwood Road.

0:26:160:26:19

Don't go digging down there.

0:26:190:26:21

FLY BUZZES

0:26:230:26:25

-Okey-doke.

-Right, will do. We'll stay out of there.

0:26:250:26:28

Anyone seen my phone?

0:26:320:26:34

Bloody dogs have hidden it, have they?

0:26:340:26:36

Have one of you beasts stolen my telephone?

0:26:370:26:40

Come back here, you little shitters! Come on! Come on! Come here!

0:26:400:26:45

Come on, I know your game.

0:26:450:26:47

Come on.

0:26:470:26:49

This is it, mate. This is the big one.

0:26:500:26:53

This is exactly what happened at Sutton Hoo.

0:26:530:26:56

They abandoned it because of the war, then they went back to finish it off.

0:26:560:27:00

They sort of left it all to us.

0:27:000:27:02

This time next year, we're going to be millionaires!

0:27:020:27:05

Mate, maybe we should do this properly -

0:27:050:27:08

mark out the site with a grid system, do it area by area,

0:27:080:27:11

-make sure we cover everything.

-Sod that! Let's get detecting!

0:27:110:27:14

We should survey the site for a couple of days before we even

0:27:140:27:17

-turn the detectors on.

-DETECTOR BEEPS Oh, too late. I turned it on!

0:27:170:27:20

I've got a good feeling about this, mate.

0:27:200:27:23

When they were looking for Richard III, first hole they dug, bingo!

0:27:230:27:26

-Fuck it! You're right.

-This is going to be massive. You mark my words.

0:27:260:27:31

DETECTOR BEEPS

0:27:310:27:33

Here we go.

0:27:350:27:37

Get ready...

0:27:480:27:50

to get rich.

0:27:500:27:51

BEEPS

0:27:550:27:58

What you got?

0:28:060:28:08

Biscuit wrapper.

0:28:100:28:12

Mint Viscount '75.

0:28:120:28:14

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