Episode 1 Detectorists

This programme contains some strong language

BIRDSONG

METAL DETECTOR BEEPS

Anything?

Fuck all.

Three shotgun caps and a blakey.

HE SIGHS

METAL DETECTOR BEEPS FASTER

What you got?

Ring-pull.

'83.

Tizer.

-What do you do with them?

-Bag them up. Stick 'em on eBay.

People buy this shit.

Sad tits.

You said it.

# Will you search through the lonely earth for me?

# Climb through the briar brambles

# I'll be your treasure

# I'm waiting for you

# I'm waiting for you. #

-See University Challenge last night?

-Yeah.

-Anything?

No.

You?

Nah.

Nearly got Benjamin Britten.

-You can't nearly get an answer right.

-I had it in my head.

Didn't say anything. Chickened out.

-Were you on your own?

-Yeah.

But you were still too scared to say it out loud?

-Yeah.

-Doesn't count.

I know.

Should have gone for it.

I know.

You going up the club Tuesday?

-What's happening?

-Terry's giving a talk on buttons.

-Buttons?

-You heard me!

-Christ! Sod that!

Yeah. I think I'll give that a miss.

Here. Did I ever tell you about the beautiful old battle-axe

-I once found?

-Yeah. You married her.

-I married her.

-Have I done that one for you before?

-Well, you've said it before, yeah.

A few times. Wouldn't exactly call it a stand-up routine.

You've added the word "beautiful" since the last time you said it.

Yeah. Well, she was beautiful, Mags. Mental, though.

And that's why I divorced her.

She left you for the manager of Pizza Hut.

Yeah. Mental!

She was a hippy, you know... into crystals and all that shit.

Used to wear vanilla perfume.

-Oh, yeah.

-Stank like Play-Doh.

-Heads up. Who's this?

Don't know.

-Hi.

-Hello.

-I saw you in the field earlier.

Sorry to interrupt, but are you metal detectors?

No, my dear.

This is a metal detector.

We are metal detectorists.

Oh, right. Sorry.

Not a problem at all.

-I'm Sophie.

-Pleased to meet you, Sophie. I'm Lance and this is...

-Andy.

-I'm a student. History student. I thought it would

be interesting to know what kind of things you guys find.

-Local history.

-Wise choice, Sophie. What you got there, Andrew?

-Um...

Bits and pieces.

A Victorian penny, and then Battle of Britain. That's nice.

-Worth a few quid on the interweb.

-Won't do it, mate.

-Idiot!

-Why not?

-I don't sell my finds. I don't agree with it.

He must have half a tonne of scrap round at his place.

Hope you're up to date with your tetanus, mate!

Don't know why he doesn't invest in some jiffy bags.

-He could give up the cleaning job.

-Are you a cleaner?

-No.

-He is a cleaner.

-It's a temping agency.

-They get me all kinds of work.

-All kinds of cleaning work.

-Mainly, yeah.

-Andy here is studying for an archaeology degree.

-Been doing it for... How long is it, mate?

-Long time.

But I'll get there and when I'm a qualified archaeologist,

-that's when I get to see the good stuff.

-Bone.

Bits of pot. Swap his detector for a palette knife

and spend the rest of his life scraping the dirt off dirt.

No, thank you! Show me to the non-ferrous metals, mate!

-Do you guys belong to a club?

-DMDC.

Danebury Metal Detecting Club?

In the Scout hall, opposite the Two Brewers on the high street.

Oh, right. And what sort of thing happens there?

Well, we compare finds, discuss the hobby.

Sometimes we get a guest speaker in.

This Tuesday, Terry, club president, is giving a talk on buttons.

-Buttons?

-You heard him.

-Wow, outrageous(!)

You guys going along?

-Yeah.

-Yeah. Probably.

-Yeah, we'll be there.

Will it be OK for me to pop in?

-Yeah.

-Don't see why not.

OK, cool. Well, I'll see you there, then.

See you.

-Bye.

-Bye, Sophie.

Could be good, buttons.

Yeah...

Yeah.

Hello.

-All right?

-Yeah. You?

-Yeah.

-You're late.

-Yeah, I went to the pub.

-Oh. Which one?

-The Brewers.

-The Two Brewers?

-Yeah.

The pub on the corner of our road?

Yeah.

-Oh, nice.

-Sorry. I should have phoned.

-Might have been nice.

I was with Lance. I didn't think you'd want to hang out with Lance.

You think he's a bit of a dick.

I think you're a bit of a dick as well, but I hang out with you.

Might have been nice to have a drink on a Saturday night

at the end of my road, with a couple of dicks.

Sorry.

-Did you find anything good today?

-Nah. Not much.

Right.

Are you all right?

Are you pissed off with me detecting?

No, I don't mind, if you enjoy it,

if it's helping towards your studies.

I need to find a new place to search.

All we turn up these days is litter and ring-pulls.

This is the land of the Saxons.

I want to discover where they buried their warriors and their kings.

-Instead of where they had their snacks and soft drinks?

-Exactly.

But we're on it.

-We're going to strike gold soon and then we'll be rich.

-Oh, cool.

We'll go to Africa. I'll set up my school. You can go and dig holes.

-Can Lance come?

-No!

I did find a good penny.

-Young Victoria. 1865.

-SHE PRETENDS TO YAWN

Shut up! That's been in the ground 150 years.

Imagine who dropped that a century and a half ago.

-YAWNS AGAIN

-Oh, yeah, brilliant(!)

-You cow.

-Still think I'm brilliant?

-Course I do.

You're my Lord Carnarvon, my Howard Carter.

-You're going to discover the Valley of the Kings.

-In Essex.

In Essex.

-Can you see anything?

-Yes!

-Wonderful things!

-SHE CHUCKLES

Hello, love.

You all right?

Yeah. Just off to work.

-You all right?

-Yeah, good.

-Business good?

-Oh, it's all right, you know?

-Good. Good.

Cos I just... I know... I found your Purple...Rain album and I wondered...

Do you want me to drop that round?

-Oh, yeah. Would you mind?

-Yeah.

Sure. Cos...I thought you...

I know you like that song When Doves Cry.

-When Doves Cry, yeah.

-You got a record player...?

Tony's got one. Really nice vintage one.

-Oh, good.

-He's here, actually. You should say hello.

-Oh, you're all right, cos...

-TONY, LANCE IS HERE!

Er...

Hello, mate. Long time no see.

-Yep.

-Did you just pop in to say hello?

No, I needed a...scented candle.

-Didn't think they were your style. For you?

-Just a present for someone.

Ooh! A girl?

-No.

-A boy?

No. A girl, yeah.

-Girlfriend?

-No.

Well... Yeah.

Ooh!

-Who is she?

-Oh, no-one. Just...someone.

What flavour?

-Pardon?

-The candle.

Oh... I don't know. What have you got?

-I like bergamot and vetiver.

-Mm.

I'll just have a vanilla.

-Always think they smell like minicabs.

-£3.75.

-Cheers.

-Do you want your change?

-Cheers, Mags. Bye.

Yeah, bye, love.

VACUUM CLEANER WHIRS

SWITCHES VACUUM CLEANER OFF

Bollocks, mate! You just want to see that girl again.

Yes, you do. I can read you like a book. Anyway, she won't turn up.

Good. Well, you won't be disappointed, then, will you?

No, come round mine.

I'll knock you up a ruby and we can head over together.

Anything you don't eat?

Yeah. Apart from meat and fish.

OK. Hold on.

Ted! Is it all right if I knock off after I've done those aubergines?

Yeah, OK. Back in an hour.

Adios.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hey.

Lance has invited us

round for a curry before we head over to the club tonight.

Do you want to come?

Obviously not! For so many reasons,

not least of which is the fact I'm not really invited.

You're just saying that cos I had a go at you the other night.

What's happening at the club tonight?

-Buttons?!

-You heard me. Do you want to come?

Fuck off!

-All right. I love you. See you later.

-Yeah, you too. See you later.

# I've lived in a box by the rails

# Only thing you use, you don't fail

# When you live in a box by the rails

# Don't comb your hair, don't comb your tail

# Sweep my mess away

# Leave my body, leave my bones

# Leave me home and leave my soul

# Leave me nothing I don't need at all

# Nothing I don't need at all. #

KNOCKS ON GLASS

Nice tits.

Why, thank you.

-Something smells...

-Delicious?

-No.

Something just smells.

Very droll.

Here, stick those peelings in the compost for me, would you?

You've only got a balcony. What do you use compost for?

Never know when it might come in handy.

What's that?

Dunlop SP244, isn't it?

So, I was reading cos of the hot dry summer we've had,

a lot of the earth works and archaeological sites have

started to show up as dry patches in the fields.

Right, so I had a look on Google Earth.

Looked round the local areas, scanning the fields,

-see what I could see.

-Right.

-And look.

Hembristone. You know those cabbage fields off the B1010?

Well, look at this,

ring-shaped feature in the field.

OK.

Iron Age roundhouse. But wait, there's more.

Move to the left and voila!

Another one.

But move again to the left and here's yet another.

Slightly larger circular feature, but this is different.

This one has some sort of entrance leading to an enclosure. A gateway.

All in a line.

Iron Age settlement.

-Iron Age settlement?

-Look at it. Right there.

Mate, you look at it.

Notice anything?

What? No.

Do these features seem to spell anything?

No.

Wait, erm...

G-O-O...

-Oh, fucking...

-Do they seem to spell Google?

-Fuck it!

-You prick.

-It's the Google Earth watermark.

-It's the Google Earth watermark.

Well, I bet you've fallen for that before.

Yeah, but I realised within 15 seconds and I never told anyone.

HE SIGHS

No, look. Tell you where we want to be. I've been doing my own recon.

This farm, here.

-I don't remember anyone ever going there before, do you?

-No.

Look, this is the original Roman road running up the side.

Where you've got Roman, who's to say you haven't got Saxon as well?

We all know there's a Saxon ship burial

somewhere in this part of the county.

We've just got to find it first.

Saxon hoard.

-It's basically the Holy Grail of treasure hunting.

-Well, no.

The Holy Grail is the Holy Grail of treasure hunting.

If you're going to be pedantic

the Ark of the Covenant is the Holy Grail.

Let's talk to Terry, see if he knows who owns this land.

Kerchink.

Ching!

And though occasionally a button will turn up with some

sort of decoration or insignia, the majority, and I mean the vast

majority, as you've seen from my slides, are completely featureless.

And so, if you think about the number of buttons

our predecessors had on their clothes,

compared with the number of coins

they would be carrying in their pockets, is it any wonder that we

find many more buttons in our day-to-day detecting

than we do coins?

So the humble, boring button is a very real piece of social history.

Lights, please, Sheila.

Sheila?

Thanks, darling.

Button.

So, any questions?

Nobody?

Righto, then.

Ahem. Club notices.

Now, some of you have been complaining about other

detecting clubs muscling in on your sites.

Yes, it's those wankers from the Antiquisearchers.

-They're spying on us.

-Russell...

I spent weeks researching that site, putting together a portfolio,

only to find that someone had got there the day before me

and secured permission.

The Antiquisearchers are officially affiliated with the museum.

I find it very hard to believe that they would be that underhand.

To be on the safe side, I will not be accepting any new members

until the beginning of next season.

DOOR OPENS

Hello. Is this the metal detecting club?

-Hello, Sophie. Everybody, this is my friend Sophie.

-Hi!

Welcome to the mass ranks of the Danebury Metal Detecting Club.

-Come in. Come in.

-I hope you don't mind.

I was just interested in seeing what was going on

and what kind of things you'd found.

I understood there was going to be a talk about buttons?

-I'm Russell.

-Welcome, Sophie. You are very welcome.

I'm afraid you've just missed my talk about buttons,

but I'll very happily do a recap.

-No!

-Please, no!

-That's OK. Don't worry. Thank you.

Well, take a seat, Sophie,

and welcome to the Danebury Metal Detecting Club.

-What happened to "no new members", Terry?

-Sorry?

You just said we're not accepting any new members.

-It's all right.

-Sophie's cool. We know Sophie.

There we are, then.

-If we are all in agreement... Welcome, Sophie.

-Thank you.

-What do you think?

-Yeah, it was interesting.

How was the talk on buttons?

Adrenalin-fuelled.

-What's next week?

-Monster Munch packets.

This land belongs to one Lawrence Bishop. Mad as a frog.

People have tried to get permission, but he always refuses.

Doesn't want people digging around on his land. Very odd character.

-Yeah?

-Yeah, his wife disappeared years back.

Back when I was on the force.

I wasn't involved in the case, personally,

but I know they had a very big file on it.

They watched him for years. Couldn't ever get anything on him.

Not even enough to get a warrant out to search his land.

That doesn't bode well!

That's got to be a first. Student buys round!

Yeah, funny.

-What are you studying?

-Ancient history.

Oh, wow. You're in the right place! Ha-ha!

You want to get yourself a detector and get out there in the mud.

I'll take you out, if you like.

-That'd be good. Someone text me when you going out next?

-Saturday?

I can't do Saturday. I'm taking Mags and her mum to bingo.

-Again?

-Who's Mags? Is that your wife?

-Ex-wife. She uses him.

She doesn't use me. I want to help.

-Why can't the Pizza Hut manager take them?

-I like doing it.

Bollocks, mate. You want to forget her, otherwise

she'll keep on taking the piss. Move on.

Cheers for the advice, mate, that I neither asked for nor wanted.

Mind your own bloody business.

-What about you, Andy? Have you got a wife?

-Me? No, no. I'm not married.

BELL RINGS

-Shall I get us another one in?

-It's my round. Same again?

-Um...

No, I'd better get going. Early start in the morning.

That's got to be a first! Student gets up early!

Oh, funny(!)

We're going to call it a night too, aren't we, darling?

Ah. Tango class in the morning.

-No, it's tap tomorrow, Terry.

-Course! It's Wednesday! Ha-ha!

-Bye, all.

-Night-night.

-See you.

-After you, madam.

-Thank you.

What was that about?

-What?

-You know what.

-What?

-Why didn't you mention Becky when she asked if you were married?

I'm not married.

No, but you've got a long-term girlfriend called Becky.

-Who I was about to mention and I was interrupted, remember?

-Oh, right.

Yeah.

What were you saying before they left?

-Your ex-wife taking the piss?

-No. Something about "same again".

-Same again?

-Yeah, thanks very much.

-You do.

-I don't.

-You do. You always mention what she's wearing.

That's because I don't like what she's wearing.

You say it every time she comes on the telly.

I never like what she's wearing.

-I don't fancy Fiona Bruce.

-Yes, you do!

No, I don't. I tried once.

Thought she'd be a good person off the TV to fancy,

but I couldn't manage it, didn't get very far.

-Who do you fancy off the telly?

-No-one springs to mind.

-Bullshit!

-There must be someone.

-No, I can't think of anyone.

-Susanna Reid!

-No. You're the only one for me, Becks.

Idiot.

You still on for going to my sister's tomorrow?

-Oh, I'm going out with Lance.

-Oh, what?

-Sorry, I forgot.

-Jesus! You spend more time with him than you do with me!

-No, I don't.

-What time are you going?

-For lunch!

Oh, we'll probably be finished by then anyway. We're just

-going to see some mad landowner, try and get his permission.

-Right,

and if he gives you permission, you'll want to go detecting.

-True.

-Have to hope he doesn't, then.

-Fingers crossed.

Oh, can we switch over? She's starting to make me feel sick!

SHE CHUCKLES

-QI?

-Yes!

-Did you hear that on QI last night?

-Oh, I knew it before it was on QI.

Right.

It was just a coincidence that you said it the day after it was on QI.

Just reminded me of it, that's all.

Here we are.

You think this is wise?

Tell you what, let me do the talking. I'll turn on the charm.

You're just a bit...awkward.

Yeah, cheers.

Don't try any of your stand-up on him.

KNOCKS ON DOOR

-FROM INSIDE:

-Get back! Go on! Get back in there!

Get down! Stay back in there!

-Yes?

-Sorry to disturb you, sir.

-Have you come about the...?

-The?

-The...

What have you come about?

-No, you're not actually expecting us.

-Am I not?

No, we're actually metal detectorists.

We were wondering if you'd give us

-your permission to detect on your land.

-Good Lord!

-Was it a competition?

-Pardon?

-Did I send off for it?

No. I guess it's just your lucky day.

Fascinating.

Cup of tea?

Don't mind the dogs.

They're a bit boisterous, but they're only being friendly.

Push them off the sofa if they're in the way.

They shouldn't even be on the furniture.

FLY BUZZES

-So... Mr Bishop...

-Larry, please.

-Larry, you've never given anyone permission before.

-No, never.

-So, no-one's ever detected on this land?

-No.

There was that dig years ago.

-Sorry. Dig, Larry?

-Archaeological dig, before the war.

My grandfather told me about it when I was wearing short trousers.

When I was a child.

-Yes.

-Yes, and did they f-find anything?

-No. They didn't have time.

Dug a couple of trenches, then the war happened,

and they had more important things to spend the money on.

Any idea what they were looking for?

No idea.

So, Larry, er...

-would you mind if we had a little look around?

-Not at all.

Let me know what you turn up.

Stay out of the paddock on Birchwood Road.

Don't go digging down there.

FLY BUZZES

-Okey-doke.

-Right, will do. We'll stay out of there.

Anyone seen my phone?

Bloody dogs have hidden it, have they?

Have one of you beasts stolen my telephone?

Come back here, you little shitters! Come on! Come on! Come here!

Come on, I know your game.

Come on.

This is it, mate. This is the big one.

This is exactly what happened at Sutton Hoo.

They abandoned it because of the war, then they went back to finish it off.

They sort of left it all to us.

This time next year, we're going to be millionaires!

Mate, maybe we should do this properly -

mark out the site with a grid system, do it area by area,

-make sure we cover everything.

-Sod that! Let's get detecting!

We should survey the site for a couple of days before we even

-turn the detectors on.

-DETECTOR BEEPS Oh, too late. I turned it on!

I've got a good feeling about this, mate.

When they were looking for Richard III, first hole they dug, bingo!

-Fuck it! You're right.

-This is going to be massive. You mark my words.

DETECTOR BEEPS

Here we go.

Get ready...

to get rich.

BEEPS

What you got?

Biscuit wrapper.

Mint Viscount '75.