Episode 2 Detectorists


Episode 2

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Transcript


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BEEPING

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This programme contains some strong language

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What you got?

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Matchbox car.

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Chevrolet Corvette.

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How in God's name does that get into the middle of a field in Essex?

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Dunno.

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I mean, who's been playing with cars up here?

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Dunno.

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You know, a Roman coin, I can understand, but a Chevy Corvette?

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Doesn't make any sense.

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'Ere!

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D'ya hear about old Bob Cromer?

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What about him?

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-Dead, mate.

-Shut up.

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-Struck by lightning.

-No.

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Third this year.

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Janet Horrowell, Greg Peters and now poor old Bob.

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-You know why, don't you?

-Why?

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Cos the best finds always appear right before a thunderstorm.

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Suddenly, you've left it too late,

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-and you're the highest point in the landscape.

-BEEPING

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All three were running when they were struck.

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-What a way to go.

-Yeah.

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What you got?

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Pontiac Firebird.

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# Will you search through the lonely isles for me?

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# Climb through the briar and brambles?

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# I'll be your treasure... #

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You fancy a cup of Good Morning America?

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No, thanks.

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Ah! That is a damn fine cup of coffee.

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-Which...?

-Twin Peaks.

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So, I was thinking about getting the band back together.

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What band?

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You and me.

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Were we in a band?

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Well, we jammed together a few times.

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I only remember once, round your flat trying to do Wonderwall

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-and you couldn't reach the high notes.

-No. It was more than once.

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Did we have a name?

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-Fanny Magnet.

-That's right. Fanny Magnet.

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Anyway, I've written a new song.

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I want to do it at the open mic at the White Horse.

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-What's the song called?

-New Age Girl.

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-Is it about Maggie?

-No.

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All right. I'm up for it, if it's any good.

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Well, come around to mine

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Tuesday night before we head off to the club and I'll play it for you.

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Hey, there.

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Who's this?

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Looks like Simon and Garfunkel.

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-Hello, there.

-Wotcher.

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How are we?

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Feeling groovy.

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Good, good.

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-Lovely day.

-Isn't it?

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Haven't seen one of them for a few years.

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Oh, what, the Arado? Yeah, they're pretty rare these days but, er...

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There's still a few out there if you know where to look.

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Antique shops?

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They're certainly classics, yeah.

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So you've gone for the CTX.

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Mmm... Good machine.

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Bit flashy for my liking.

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Yeah, not really your style.

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Do you have permission to detect on this land?

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Indeed we do. Do you?

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Who from?

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Not tellin' ya.

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-Immature.

-Are you?

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No. You are.

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-We got here first.

-Well, there's nothing stopping us

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getting permission from the land owner.

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Farmer Bishop gave us exclusive rights. 50/50.

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Well, then, we shall have to see

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if we can make Farmer Bishop a more attractive proposition.

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HE SNORTS Who are you, a Bond villain?

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We've done extensive research. I assume you have done the same.

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-Course.

-Yep.

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We shall see.

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Mr Bond.

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-Come on.

-Oh. Sorry, mate. Didn't mean to make you cry.

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It's hay fever.

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Don't cry, mate. I feel awful.

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It's hay fever. I forgot to take an antihistamine.

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Well, you want to borrow my hanky?

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Not crying.

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Do you want a little tissue, mate?

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Please don't cry!

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That doesn't bode at all well. What was in that file?

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Maybe they know what's in here.

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We need to go and see Bishop,

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tell him not to give anyone else permission.

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Yeah, can... Can you pop round on the way home?

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I... I've gotta go and see Mags. Help out in the shop.

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What? When will you learn to say no?

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I don't want to say no. I want to help her.

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All right, I'll go, but remember,

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I don't have any of your charm or charisma.

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Do your best.

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Hey, you animals! Get down! Be quiet!

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Yes?

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Hello, Mr Bishop, it's me.

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I came with my friend to ask for permission to detect on your land?

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Oh, yes. The metal detectors.

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Detectorists.

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Yes. Have you found something?

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-Not yet, Mr Bishop.

-Larry.

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Not yet, Larry, but we were wondering

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whether you wouldn't mind not giving permission

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-to anyone else to search your land.

-Right.

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It's just that there's a contingency of rogue detectorists out there.

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Rogues?

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Treasure hunters.

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They'll come under the cover of night

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and rob important sites of their artefacts.

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Good God.

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I know. It's despicable.

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I tell you what I remembered just after you left,

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there were some things ploughed up a few years ago

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that might be of interest to you.

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-What sort of things?

-Well, I don't know. Trinkets.

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Looked like costume jewellery to me.

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-Any idea what happened to them?

-Somewhere around. God knows where.

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I did offer them to Justine, but she thought they were ugly.

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-Is that your wife?

-Where?

-No.

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You... You mentioned Justine

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and I wondered whether Justine was your wife.

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Justine isn't here.

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Come on! Where are you?

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Stop chasing those rabbits. You'll never catch them,

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you fat, unhealthy creatures.

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Quite mad.

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-I can see.

-Yes.

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Well, cheerio, then. I'll, er...

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I'll keep my eyes peeled for those things.

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Come on, then. Come along.

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We'll go the other way this time. Bit of a change, eh?

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I think so. It'll be good. Come on, then. You've got to keep up.

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Oh, that's lovely, Lance. How exciting.

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Yeah. Well, I thought, nothing to lose.

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I always said you should do something with your music, didn't I?

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-You did.

-I used to love it when you played your mandolin.

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Reminded me of Kermit.

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Kermit plays a banjo.

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How exciting, though.

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Think you can come?

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Definitely.

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What is all this?

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Says "Mixed Spiritual" on the box.

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Yeah, it's spiritual stuff.

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Mixed.

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Tarot cards. Dream catchers. Resin dragons. Oh!

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There's this massive warehouse out by Stansted.

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You buy it by the weight.

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It's cheap, you just don't know what you're going to get.

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-Spiritual lucky dip.

-Kind of, yeah.

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Found it!

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-Oh... Great.

-All right, Lance. She got you slaving?

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Tony, I didn't realise you were here. Not lending a hand?

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-I can't. My herniated discs.

-Gutted.

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Lance has invited us to a folk night at the White Horse next week.

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-Sounds good.

-Lance is doing a gig.

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It's not a gig. I might do a song.

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Haven't decided yet. Probably won't.

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All right, Lance! Rock'n'roll.

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What's the song about?

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-Nothing.

-Nothing? What's it called?

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-If that's everything, Maggie. I'll get off.

-Yeah, thanks, love.

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Oh, and you're still OK to take my mum to bingo?

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Er, yeah. OK.

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-Er... You not free?

-Nah, football.

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-Oh, right. You playing?

-Watching.

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-Portman Road?

-No. On TV.

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-Right.

-Thanks, love. You know, she loves her bingo.

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Yeah. OK. See ya.

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-Bye-bye, Lance.

-Bye, love.

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Oh. That's lovely.

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-I'm going back to bed.

-OK.

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-Afternoon, sir.

-Hello.

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-Do you have a child in this school, sir?

-Pardon?

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Do you have a son or a daughter who attends this school?

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No, I don't have any kids.

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Right.

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Just taking a few photos?

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Checking my messages.

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Can I ask what you're doing here?

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Waiting for my girlfriend. She'll be out in a minute.

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What class?

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Er... Chaffinch Class, I think.

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I think all the pupils from Chaffinch Class have gone.

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She's the teacher. She's not... She's a teacher.

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Here she is now.

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Rightio, sir.

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It's just you were making some of the mums nervous.

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Hello. This is a nice surprise.

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Good day?

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Yeah, not bad.

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Do I look like a paedophile?

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What?

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I've just been questioned by a policeman

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cos I was making mums nervous. SHE LAUGHS

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Well, you do have a bit of a look about you.

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What kind of look?

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I'd have said more drug dealer than paedophile.

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Oh... That's what it must be.

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-Yeah.

-I feel better now.

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Yeah, don't worry about it.

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Lance is not my boyfriend.

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-GIGGLING:

-He worships you.

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He does not. He thinks I'm a wet blanket.

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-Maybe he's more astute than I give him credit for.

-Ha, ha, ha. Cute.

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I think he's lonely.

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He says he wants to get the old band back together.

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-You and Lance were in a band?

-Apparently.

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What were you called?

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Can't remember.

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He says he wants us to do one of his songs

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at the White Horse next Thursday.

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Can you come?

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-No. It's a school night, I have marking to do.

-Oh, bugger.

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What's brought this on, then? Is he having a crisis?

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I think he's trying to impress Maggie.

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Oh, dear. He really needs to move on.

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-What's the song like?

-Haven't heard it yet.

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Could be excruciating.

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Could be really embarrassing. Please come.

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-SHE LAUGHS

-You're really selling it.

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I'd truly love to, but I'll have 30 stories to read.

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Imagine their little faces when I say,

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-I couldn't be bothered and went to the pub instead.

-Fuck 'em.

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PHONE RINGS

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-Hello, mate.

-Do you like swedes?

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No. Er, no, the vegetable.

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Good.

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Yeah, come round, I'll knock you something up.

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Oh, you speak to Bishop?

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Yeah, interesting. He's utterly mad.

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I'll tell you when I come round. I'm in the middle of something.

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The A414.

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All right. See ya.

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So, he reckons he's still got some of the artefacts?

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He reckons so.

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Don't knock on the glass, mate. Stresses them out.

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I wasn't going to.

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So, what we eating?

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Swede surprise.

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Oh, yeah. What's the surprise?

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How bland it is.

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Hmm...

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That is bland.

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Surprisingly bland.

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Wish you hadn't told me.

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Speaking of which,

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how much are we going to tell the rest of the club about Bishop's farm?

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Well, I reckon we keep it to ourselves for the tambourine.

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I mean, if they get wind of the fact

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that there's been a previous excavation

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and Bishop's finds, whatever they turn out to be...

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Well, someone'll phone the beards and it'll all be over.

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Let's just tell them we're still in the research phase.

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Deal. So, when am I going to hear this song of yours?

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Er, I... I don't know if I want to do that any more.

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Oh, what? I built myself up for it.

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I've invited some A&R people down.

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I've run into a problem.

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Yeah?

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I can't stand up.

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Yes, you can. I've seen you.

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-No, I... I can't stand up and play the mandolin.

-Why not?

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I've practised too long sitting cross-legged on the floor.

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When I get up, it just goes to shit.

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Well, sit down and play me the song.

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# Back when the sky was clear and blue

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# I met a girl who looked like you

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# But when she opened her arms I fell clean through

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# And now I don't know what to do. #

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Well?

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That's quite good.

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You... You sound surprised.

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-I am. I'm astounded.

-You think it's astounding?

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No. I'm astounded that it's quite good.

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Fair enough.

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Course, it's 90% instinct.

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What are you swinging these days, young Hugh?

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I still have the VK30.

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Hm... Nothing wrong with a VK30. Good, solid detector.

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Basic, but it's got its place.

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Yeah, many a good find found with the 30.

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In fact... Tezler?

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-What d'they find the Eynsford hoard with?

-XP Deus.

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Was it? Oh.

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I thought it was VK30. Anyway, good on ya.

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You and Lance have your permission yet?

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How did you know about that?

0:16:230:16:25

-You told me, didn't you?

-Did I?

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Well done, mate. Who else you told?

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Don't worry. I won't mention it.

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Why is it a secret?

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It's not a secret, it's just we're still researching it.

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I would not wish being struck by lightning on anyone, Russell.

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You just said he deserved it.

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That's not what I said.

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You never liked Bob Cromer.

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But that's not the point.

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Doesn't matter that me and Bob didn't always see eye to eye.

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What I am saying is that Bob Cromer

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ignored some fundamental rules of health and safety.

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Day one of metal detecting school.

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-Is there such a place?

-No.

-No.

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Bob was not a member of this club and I am glad,

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because we have not had a fatality in the DMDC for nearly three years,

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and I intend to keep it that way.

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So, chaps,

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how did you get on with Bishop?

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Has he shown you were he's buried his wife yet?

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Er, still very much in the research phase, Terry.

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Oh, you can't do too much research, boys.

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What are the three R's I'm always talking about, Hugh?

0:17:180:17:21

Er, research, research, research.

0:17:210:17:23

That's right.

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I made that up to emphasise how important research is.

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So, what is going on with this Finds table?

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That's two matchbox cars and it's... Well, it's a spoon.

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Whose is the spoon?

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That's mine.

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Do we have an ID on the spoon?

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Little Chef.

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Come on, people. We can do better than this.

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I suggest you all go and change the batteries on your detectors.

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So, why are you being so secretive?

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What do you think's on that farm?

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Well, we know there's a big Saxon ship burial around here somewhere.

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King Sexred of the East Saxons.

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Riches of the seventh century kings?

0:18:050:18:07

Exactly.

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Why do you think he's around here?

0:18:080:18:10

We know he's around here. Bede says so in Historia Ecclesiastica.

0:18:100:18:13

Whoa, you know the Venerable Bede?

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Whoa,

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do you know what patronise means?

0:18:170:18:18

Oh, sorry.

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It's just I don't think half the professors at university

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have read Bede.

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Well, you can learn a lot from the amateurs.

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We're the most passionate, the plebs.

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Are you allowed to use that word these days?

0:18:280:18:30

In a historical context, yeah, it's fine.

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I could do some reading at uni, if you like, see what I can find out.

0:18:330:18:36

Yeah, cool.

0:18:360:18:37

Lance won't mind, will he?

0:18:370:18:38

No. Why would he?

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Well, I think he thinks I'm muscling in.

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No, he's just very protective of his patch and his hobby,

0:18:420:18:45

and he's got a big problem with the Antiquisearchers.

0:18:450:18:48

The Antiquisearchers?

0:18:480:18:49

I know, right? What does that even mean?

0:18:490:18:51

They've just taken the first half of antiquities

0:18:510:18:54

and put it on the front of searchers.

0:18:540:18:55

Why can't they just call themselves the Antiquity Searchers?

0:18:550:18:58

It's not like it's pun or brilliant word play, or anything.

0:18:580:19:02

Makes me mad.

0:19:020:19:03

And you think Lance has the problem.

0:19:030:19:05

Er, this next track... This...

0:19:070:19:09

This first track... This track...

0:19:090:19:12

This... This song is about, er, a very special lady...

0:19:140:19:20

I wrote this song about, er, a very special person.

0:19:330:19:37

A person...who means an awful lot to me.

0:19:390:19:42

A person whose light I only saw after she was gone...

0:19:430:19:47

..and I was plunged into darkness.

0:19:490:19:51

This is a song about how you...

0:19:550:19:57

you don't really know what you've got until it's gone.

0:19:570:20:00

About how...you don't appreciate the good things in your life...

0:20:010:20:06

..until they bunk off with the manager of the local Pizza Hut.

0:20:080:20:11

Thank you.

0:20:160:20:17

It's actually all right. It's surprisingly good.

0:20:300:20:33

Tell me the lyrics.

0:20:330:20:34

-Can't remember them.

-Yes, you can, some of them.

0:20:340:20:37

You'll have to come along.

0:20:370:20:39

-It's about Maggie.

-I reckon so. Well, yeah, it is.

0:20:390:20:41

And are you singing, or just playing?

0:20:410:20:44

Might lay down a harmony.

0:20:440:20:45

-SHE LAUGHS

-Oh, my God. I think I'm going to have to come.

0:20:450:20:49

I'll work through lunch to get my marking done. Wait...

0:20:490:20:51

And Lance is going to be sitting on the floor...?

0:20:530:20:57

Cross-legged.

0:20:570:20:59

So, who's the front man?

0:21:000:21:02

He is, I suppose.

0:21:020:21:03

With you standing behind him staring at the ground?

0:21:030:21:06

I won't be staring at the ground. What do you mean?

0:21:060:21:08

You are always staring at the ground.

0:21:080:21:10

-No, I'm not.

-You are.

0:21:100:21:12

You're always scanning the ground looking for stuff.

0:21:120:21:15

You can't help yourself. It's all those years detecting.

0:21:150:21:17

You never look up. No wonder you've got a bad back.

0:21:170:21:20

-Come on.

-Honestly.

0:21:200:21:22

I bet you'd be amazed at the things you've missed

0:21:220:21:24

cos you've been locked in your own little world staring at the floor.

0:21:240:21:28

Rubbish. SHE LAUGHS

0:21:280:21:31

JETS ROARING

0:21:340:21:37

That is so cool.

0:21:390:21:41

Hey, mate?

0:21:420:21:43

Mate.

0:21:470:21:48

Sophie.

0:21:530:21:54

Did you phone her?

0:21:580:21:59

Texted.

0:21:590:22:01

-But I thought we were doing this on our own.

-We are.

0:22:010:22:03

She hasn't even got her detector. What's the problem?

0:22:030:22:05

She already knew about the permission.

0:22:050:22:07

-Yeah, only cos you told her.

-I don't remember telling her.

0:22:070:22:09

-That is so cool.

-What's she saying?

-That was amazing.

0:22:090:22:13

Sophie.

0:22:130:22:15

Did you organise that for me?

0:22:150:22:16

-What?

-The fly-past?

0:22:180:22:20

Huh?

0:22:200:22:22

Oh, never mind. How's it going?

0:22:220:22:24

Yeah, all right. Not bad.

0:22:240:22:25

Found anything?

0:22:250:22:26

Er, not much. Three copper nails and a screwdriver.

0:22:260:22:30

You got copper nails. I got five of them.

0:22:300:22:32

Ship's nails?

0:22:320:22:34

Nah, too modern. These are brand-new.

0:22:340:22:37

Pain in the arse.

0:22:370:22:39

You know this Saxon king that you're looking for?

0:22:390:22:41

Sexred, King of the East Saxons, yes.

0:22:410:22:44

I'm not convinced that he's buried here.

0:22:440:22:46

-Why not? Where's he buried, then?

-I'm not sure he's buried anywhere.

0:22:460:22:49

Well, he's got to be buried somewhere.

0:22:490:22:51

The Venerable Bede...

0:22:510:22:53

Overrated.

0:22:530:22:55

OK.

0:22:550:22:57

Bede says that Sexred

0:22:570:22:58

and his brothers went to fight the West Saxons.

0:22:580:23:02

They were slain in Wessex.

0:23:020:23:03

Yeah, and then they brought the body back here.

0:23:030:23:06

The army was completely destroyed. There was nobody left.

0:23:060:23:08

Well, a couple of them carried the corpse here.

0:23:080:23:12

Sorry, I don't buy it.

0:23:120:23:14

Why are you so convinced that he's here?

0:23:140:23:16

-He saw a documentary on Discovery presented by Derek Thompson.

-Who?

0:23:160:23:19

Charlie off of Casualty.

0:23:190:23:20

No, it...it's not actually universally accepted

0:23:220:23:25

that they did voyage west, anyway.

0:23:250:23:27

Some sources believe that the battle took place here.

0:23:280:23:32

What sources?

0:23:320:23:33

Charlie off of Casualty.

0:23:330:23:35

Who's that?

0:23:360:23:37

Where?

0:23:390:23:40

Over there.

0:23:420:23:43

-In the long grass.

-It's probably just a rabbit.

0:23:440:23:47

It's those wankers trying to muscle in on our patch.

0:23:510:23:54

Morning, ladies.

0:24:000:24:01

-Havin' a cuddle?

-What's going on?

0:24:020:24:04

We don't have to justify ourselves to you.

0:24:040:24:07

Right, so you're just having a cuddle in the grass, then.

0:24:070:24:09

Come on, let's go.

0:24:090:24:10

What's that?

0:24:130:24:14

Oh, nothing.

0:24:140:24:15

'Ere, look. Look at that.

0:24:170:24:20

You bastards.

0:24:200:24:21

Look, it's them copper nails. Right, I'm calling the police.

0:24:210:24:24

Er, for what reason? This is a public right of way.

0:24:240:24:28

We've got just as much right to be on this land as you have.

0:24:280:24:32

Hello? Er, police?

0:24:320:24:34

All right. Just hold on.

0:24:340:24:35

Yeah, I'm in a field on the Birchwood Road

0:24:350:24:38

and I've come across a couple, I assume they're a couple,

0:24:380:24:41

canoodling in the long grass.

0:24:410:24:43

I know you're not on the phone.

0:24:430:24:45

Hm? Describe them?

0:24:450:24:46

Well... They look a bit like the folk duo, Simon and Garfunkel.

0:24:460:24:50

Yeah. Yeah, Mrs Robinson.

0:24:530:24:54

I know you're not on the phone. So...

0:24:540:24:57

Come on. Let's go.

0:24:580:25:00

Who were they?

0:25:070:25:08

Antiquisearchers.

0:25:080:25:09

-FARMER BISHOP:

-Hey, there!

0:25:110:25:13

Don't worry, they won't bite. They're only being friendly.

0:25:130:25:17

Here he is.

0:25:180:25:20

I've been looking for you chaps. I've found this for you.

0:25:200:25:23

-Larry, this is Sophie.

-Hi.

0:25:230:25:25

Pleasure. Pleasure.

0:25:250:25:27

This is what I was telling you about.

0:25:270:25:29

Old Man Adam found these

0:25:290:25:31

when he was ploughing, God knows how many years ago.

0:25:310:25:33

30, 40 years ago...?

0:25:330:25:34

They're probably nothing.

0:25:360:25:37

You're right there, Larry. Probably worthless.

0:25:400:25:44

Well, you're welcome to have them.

0:25:440:25:45

Oh, no, no, no. You keep hold of them.

0:25:450:25:49

-Any idea where they were ploughed up?

-I'm not exactly sure,

0:25:490:25:53

but it wasn't in the paddock.

0:25:530:25:54

Don't go diggin' around down there.

0:25:560:25:58

Not allowed in the paddock.

0:25:580:26:00

Right you are, Larry.

0:26:000:26:01

What do you think this is made of? Brass?

0:26:030:26:06

Could be brass, Larry... Could be brass.

0:26:090:26:13

Come on, girls. Come on.

0:26:170:26:19

-HE WHISTLES

-Come on.

0:26:200:26:22

-We gotta tell him.

-Tell him what?

0:26:290:26:32

-You know damn well, what. That was gold.

-So?

0:26:320:26:35

We have a responsibility to report it.

0:26:350:26:38

Wrong. We don't have a responsibility to do anything.

0:26:380:26:41

It's nothing to do with us.

0:26:420:26:43

Listen, you tell him what those things are

0:26:480:26:51

and he'll be on the phone to the Eastern Daily press

0:26:510:26:54

and this whole place will be crawling with stubble surfers

0:26:540:26:57

faster than you can say Staffordshire Hoard.

0:26:570:27:00

Have plenty of time to report to our local Finds Liaison Officer

0:27:050:27:08

when we actually find something.

0:27:080:27:10

This could be a site of real importance!

0:27:100:27:13

Let's hope so.

0:27:130:27:15

Look, I'm not trying to do anything illegal or underhand.

0:27:150:27:19

We didn't find those things.

0:27:190:27:21

Old Man Adam did, over 40 years ago.

0:27:210:27:24

So, when we do find something, well, we'll...

0:27:240:27:27

We'll go through the proper channels.

0:27:270:27:29

Declare it, all above board.

0:27:290:27:31

But let's find it first. All right?

0:27:310:27:35

BEEPING

0:27:350:27:37

Told you. See?

0:27:370:27:38

Venerable Bede...

0:27:410:27:42

Full of shit.

0:27:450:27:46

RAPID BEEPING

0:28:000:28:02

Aha!

0:28:050:28:07

-What is it?

-What you got?

0:28:100:28:12

Ford Mustang.

0:28:150:28:16

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