Episode 2 Detectorists

BEEPING

This programme contains some strong language

What you got?

Matchbox car.

Chevrolet Corvette.

How in God's name does that get into the middle of a field in Essex?

Dunno.

I mean, who's been playing with cars up here?

Dunno.

You know, a Roman coin, I can understand, but a Chevy Corvette?

Doesn't make any sense.

'Ere!

D'ya hear about old Bob Cromer?

What about him?

-Dead, mate.

-Shut up.

-Struck by lightning.

-No.

Third this year.

Janet Horrowell, Greg Peters and now poor old Bob.

-You know why, don't you?

-Why?

Cos the best finds always appear right before a thunderstorm.

Suddenly, you've left it too late,

-and you're the highest point in the landscape.

-BEEPING

All three were running when they were struck.

-What a way to go.

-Yeah.

What you got?

Pontiac Firebird.

# Will you search through the lonely isles for me?

# Climb through the briar and brambles?

# I'll be your treasure... #

You fancy a cup of Good Morning America?

No, thanks.

Ah! That is a damn fine cup of coffee.

-Which...?

-Twin Peaks.

So, I was thinking about getting the band back together.

What band?

You and me.

Were we in a band?

Well, we jammed together a few times.

I only remember once, round your flat trying to do Wonderwall

-and you couldn't reach the high notes.

-No. It was more than once.

Did we have a name?

-Fanny Magnet.

-That's right. Fanny Magnet.

Anyway, I've written a new song.

I want to do it at the open mic at the White Horse.

-What's the song called?

-New Age Girl.

-Is it about Maggie?

-No.

All right. I'm up for it, if it's any good.

Well, come around to mine

Tuesday night before we head off to the club and I'll play it for you.

Hey, there.

Who's this?

Looks like Simon and Garfunkel.

-Hello, there.

-Wotcher.

How are we?

Feeling groovy.

Good, good.

-Lovely day.

-Isn't it?

Haven't seen one of them for a few years.

Oh, what, the Arado? Yeah, they're pretty rare these days but, er...

There's still a few out there if you know where to look.

Antique shops?

They're certainly classics, yeah.

So you've gone for the CTX.

Mmm... Good machine.

Bit flashy for my liking.

Yeah, not really your style.

Do you have permission to detect on this land?

Indeed we do. Do you?

Who from?

Not tellin' ya.

-Immature.

-Are you?

No. You are.

-We got here first.

-Well, there's nothing stopping us

getting permission from the land owner.

Farmer Bishop gave us exclusive rights. 50/50.

Well, then, we shall have to see

if we can make Farmer Bishop a more attractive proposition.

HE SNORTS Who are you, a Bond villain?

We've done extensive research. I assume you have done the same.

-Course.

-Yep.

We shall see.

Mr Bond.

-Come on.

-Oh. Sorry, mate. Didn't mean to make you cry.

It's hay fever.

Don't cry, mate. I feel awful.

It's hay fever. I forgot to take an antihistamine.

Well, you want to borrow my hanky?

Not crying.

Do you want a little tissue, mate?

Please don't cry!

That doesn't bode at all well. What was in that file?

Maybe they know what's in here.

We need to go and see Bishop,

tell him not to give anyone else permission.

Yeah, can... Can you pop round on the way home?

I... I've gotta go and see Mags. Help out in the shop.

What? When will you learn to say no?

I don't want to say no. I want to help her.

All right, I'll go, but remember,

I don't have any of your charm or charisma.

Do your best.

Hey, you animals! Get down! Be quiet!

Yes?

Hello, Mr Bishop, it's me.

I came with my friend to ask for permission to detect on your land?

Oh, yes. The metal detectors.

Detectorists.

Yes. Have you found something?

-Not yet, Mr Bishop.

-Larry.

Not yet, Larry, but we were wondering

whether you wouldn't mind not giving permission

-to anyone else to search your land.

-Right.

It's just that there's a contingency of rogue detectorists out there.

Rogues?

Treasure hunters.

They'll come under the cover of night

and rob important sites of their artefacts.

Good God.

I know. It's despicable.

I tell you what I remembered just after you left,

there were some things ploughed up a few years ago

that might be of interest to you.

-What sort of things?

-Well, I don't know. Trinkets.

Looked like costume jewellery to me.

-Any idea what happened to them?

-Somewhere around. God knows where.

I did offer them to Justine, but she thought they were ugly.

-Is that your wife?

-Where?

-No.

You... You mentioned Justine

and I wondered whether Justine was your wife.

Justine isn't here.

Come on! Where are you?

Stop chasing those rabbits. You'll never catch them,

you fat, unhealthy creatures.

Quite mad.

-I can see.

-Yes.

Well, cheerio, then. I'll, er...

I'll keep my eyes peeled for those things.

Come on, then. Come along.

We'll go the other way this time. Bit of a change, eh?

I think so. It'll be good. Come on, then. You've got to keep up.

Oh, that's lovely, Lance. How exciting.

Yeah. Well, I thought, nothing to lose.

I always said you should do something with your music, didn't I?

-You did.

-I used to love it when you played your mandolin.

Reminded me of Kermit.

Kermit plays a banjo.

How exciting, though.

Think you can come?

Definitely.

What is all this?

Says "Mixed Spiritual" on the box.

Yeah, it's spiritual stuff.

Mixed.

Tarot cards. Dream catchers. Resin dragons. Oh!

There's this massive warehouse out by Stansted.

You buy it by the weight.

It's cheap, you just don't know what you're going to get.

-Spiritual lucky dip.

-Kind of, yeah.

Found it!

-Oh... Great.

-All right, Lance. She got you slaving?

Tony, I didn't realise you were here. Not lending a hand?

-I can't. My herniated discs.

-Gutted.

Lance has invited us to a folk night at the White Horse next week.

-Sounds good.

-Lance is doing a gig.

It's not a gig. I might do a song.

Haven't decided yet. Probably won't.

All right, Lance! Rock'n'roll.

What's the song about?

-Nothing.

-Nothing? What's it called?

-If that's everything, Maggie. I'll get off.

-Yeah, thanks, love.

Oh, and you're still OK to take my mum to bingo?

Er, yeah. OK.

-Er... You not free?

-Nah, football.

-Oh, right. You playing?

-Watching.

-Portman Road?

-No. On TV.

-Right.

-Thanks, love. You know, she loves her bingo.

Yeah. OK. See ya.

-Bye-bye, Lance.

-Bye, love.

Oh. That's lovely.

-I'm going back to bed.

-OK.

-Afternoon, sir.

-Hello.

-Do you have a child in this school, sir?

-Pardon?

Do you have a son or a daughter who attends this school?

No, I don't have any kids.

Right.

Just taking a few photos?

Checking my messages.

Can I ask what you're doing here?

Waiting for my girlfriend. She'll be out in a minute.

What class?

Er... Chaffinch Class, I think.

I think all the pupils from Chaffinch Class have gone.

She's the teacher. She's not... She's a teacher.

Here she is now.

Rightio, sir.

It's just you were making some of the mums nervous.

Hello. This is a nice surprise.

Good day?

Yeah, not bad.

Do I look like a paedophile?

What?

I've just been questioned by a policeman

cos I was making mums nervous. SHE LAUGHS

Well, you do have a bit of a look about you.

What kind of look?

I'd have said more drug dealer than paedophile.

Oh... That's what it must be.

-Yeah.

-I feel better now.

Yeah, don't worry about it.

Lance is not my boyfriend.

-GIGGLING:

-He worships you.

He does not. He thinks I'm a wet blanket.

-Maybe he's more astute than I give him credit for.

-Ha, ha, ha. Cute.

I think he's lonely.

He says he wants to get the old band back together.

-You and Lance were in a band?

-Apparently.

What were you called?

Can't remember.

He says he wants us to do one of his songs

at the White Horse next Thursday.

Can you come?

-No. It's a school night, I have marking to do.

-Oh, bugger.

What's brought this on, then? Is he having a crisis?

I think he's trying to impress Maggie.

Oh, dear. He really needs to move on.

-What's the song like?

-Haven't heard it yet.

Could be excruciating.

Could be really embarrassing. Please come.

-SHE LAUGHS

-You're really selling it.

I'd truly love to, but I'll have 30 stories to read.

Imagine their little faces when I say,

-I couldn't be bothered and went to the pub instead.

-Fuck 'em.

PHONE RINGS

-Hello, mate.

-Do you like swedes?

No. Er, no, the vegetable.

Good.

Yeah, come round, I'll knock you something up.

Oh, you speak to Bishop?

Yeah, interesting. He's utterly mad.

I'll tell you when I come round. I'm in the middle of something.

The A414.

All right. See ya.

So, he reckons he's still got some of the artefacts?

He reckons so.

Don't knock on the glass, mate. Stresses them out.

I wasn't going to.

So, what we eating?

Swede surprise.

Oh, yeah. What's the surprise?

How bland it is.

Hmm...

That is bland.

Surprisingly bland.

Wish you hadn't told me.

Speaking of which,

how much are we going to tell the rest of the club about Bishop's farm?

Well, I reckon we keep it to ourselves for the tambourine.

I mean, if they get wind of the fact

that there's been a previous excavation

and Bishop's finds, whatever they turn out to be...

Well, someone'll phone the beards and it'll all be over.

Let's just tell them we're still in the research phase.

Deal. So, when am I going to hear this song of yours?

Er, I... I don't know if I want to do that any more.

Oh, what? I built myself up for it.

I've invited some A&R people down.

I've run into a problem.

Yeah?

I can't stand up.

Yes, you can. I've seen you.

-No, I... I can't stand up and play the mandolin.

-Why not?

I've practised too long sitting cross-legged on the floor.

When I get up, it just goes to shit.

Well, sit down and play me the song.

# Back when the sky was clear and blue

# I met a girl who looked like you

# But when she opened her arms I fell clean through

# And now I don't know what to do. #

Well?

That's quite good.

You... You sound surprised.

-I am. I'm astounded.

-You think it's astounding?

No. I'm astounded that it's quite good.

Fair enough.

Course, it's 90% instinct.

What are you swinging these days, young Hugh?

I still have the VK30.

Hm... Nothing wrong with a VK30. Good, solid detector.

Basic, but it's got its place.

Yeah, many a good find found with the 30.

In fact... Tezler?

-What d'they find the Eynsford hoard with?

-XP Deus.

Was it? Oh.

I thought it was VK30. Anyway, good on ya.

You and Lance have your permission yet?

How did you know about that?

-You told me, didn't you?

-Did I?

Well done, mate. Who else you told?

Don't worry. I won't mention it.

Why is it a secret?

It's not a secret, it's just we're still researching it.

I would not wish being struck by lightning on anyone, Russell.

You just said he deserved it.

That's not what I said.

You never liked Bob Cromer.

But that's not the point.

Doesn't matter that me and Bob didn't always see eye to eye.

What I am saying is that Bob Cromer

ignored some fundamental rules of health and safety.

Day one of metal detecting school.

-Is there such a place?

-No.

-No.

Bob was not a member of this club and I am glad,

because we have not had a fatality in the DMDC for nearly three years,

and I intend to keep it that way.

So, chaps,

how did you get on with Bishop?

Has he shown you were he's buried his wife yet?

Er, still very much in the research phase, Terry.

Oh, you can't do too much research, boys.

What are the three R's I'm always talking about, Hugh?

Er, research, research, research.

That's right.

I made that up to emphasise how important research is.

So, what is going on with this Finds table?

That's two matchbox cars and it's... Well, it's a spoon.

Whose is the spoon?

That's mine.

Do we have an ID on the spoon?

Little Chef.

Come on, people. We can do better than this.

I suggest you all go and change the batteries on your detectors.

So, why are you being so secretive?

What do you think's on that farm?

Well, we know there's a big Saxon ship burial around here somewhere.

King Sexred of the East Saxons.

Riches of the seventh century kings?

Exactly.

Why do you think he's around here?

We know he's around here. Bede says so in Historia Ecclesiastica.

Whoa, you know the Venerable Bede?

Whoa,

do you know what patronise means?

Oh, sorry.

It's just I don't think half the professors at university

have read Bede.

Well, you can learn a lot from the amateurs.

We're the most passionate, the plebs.

Are you allowed to use that word these days?

In a historical context, yeah, it's fine.

I could do some reading at uni, if you like, see what I can find out.

Yeah, cool.

Lance won't mind, will he?

No. Why would he?

Well, I think he thinks I'm muscling in.

No, he's just very protective of his patch and his hobby,

and he's got a big problem with the Antiquisearchers.

The Antiquisearchers?

I know, right? What does that even mean?

They've just taken the first half of antiquities

and put it on the front of searchers.

Why can't they just call themselves the Antiquity Searchers?

It's not like it's pun or brilliant word play, or anything.

Makes me mad.

And you think Lance has the problem.

Er, this next track... This...

This first track... This track...

This... This song is about, er, a very special lady...

I wrote this song about, er, a very special person.

A person...who means an awful lot to me.

A person whose light I only saw after she was gone...

..and I was plunged into darkness.

This is a song about how you...

you don't really know what you've got until it's gone.

About how...you don't appreciate the good things in your life...

..until they bunk off with the manager of the local Pizza Hut.

Thank you.

It's actually all right. It's surprisingly good.

Tell me the lyrics.

-Can't remember them.

-Yes, you can, some of them.

You'll have to come along.

-It's about Maggie.

-I reckon so. Well, yeah, it is.

And are you singing, or just playing?

Might lay down a harmony.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Oh, my God. I think I'm going to have to come.

I'll work through lunch to get my marking done. Wait...

And Lance is going to be sitting on the floor...?

Cross-legged.

So, who's the front man?

He is, I suppose.

With you standing behind him staring at the ground?

I won't be staring at the ground. What do you mean?

You are always staring at the ground.

-No, I'm not.

-You are.

You're always scanning the ground looking for stuff.

You can't help yourself. It's all those years detecting.

You never look up. No wonder you've got a bad back.

-Come on.

-Honestly.

I bet you'd be amazed at the things you've missed

cos you've been locked in your own little world staring at the floor.

Rubbish. SHE LAUGHS

JETS ROARING

That is so cool.

Hey, mate?

Mate.

Sophie.

Did you phone her?

Texted.

-But I thought we were doing this on our own.

-We are.

She hasn't even got her detector. What's the problem?

She already knew about the permission.

-Yeah, only cos you told her.

-I don't remember telling her.

-That is so cool.

-What's she saying?

-That was amazing.

Sophie.

Did you organise that for me?

-What?

-The fly-past?

Huh?

Oh, never mind. How's it going?

Yeah, all right. Not bad.

Found anything?

Er, not much. Three copper nails and a screwdriver.

You got copper nails. I got five of them.

Ship's nails?

Nah, too modern. These are brand-new.

Pain in the arse.

You know this Saxon king that you're looking for?

Sexred, King of the East Saxons, yes.

I'm not convinced that he's buried here.

-Why not? Where's he buried, then?

-I'm not sure he's buried anywhere.

Well, he's got to be buried somewhere.

The Venerable Bede...

Overrated.

OK.

Bede says that Sexred

and his brothers went to fight the West Saxons.

They were slain in Wessex.

Yeah, and then they brought the body back here.

The army was completely destroyed. There was nobody left.

Well, a couple of them carried the corpse here.

Sorry, I don't buy it.

Why are you so convinced that he's here?

-He saw a documentary on Discovery presented by Derek Thompson.

-Who?

Charlie off of Casualty.

No, it...it's not actually universally accepted

that they did voyage west, anyway.

Some sources believe that the battle took place here.

What sources?

Charlie off of Casualty.

Who's that?

Where?

Over there.

-In the long grass.

-It's probably just a rabbit.

It's those wankers trying to muscle in on our patch.

Morning, ladies.

-Havin' a cuddle?

-What's going on?

We don't have to justify ourselves to you.

Right, so you're just having a cuddle in the grass, then.

Come on, let's go.

What's that?

Oh, nothing.

'Ere, look. Look at that.

You bastards.

Look, it's them copper nails. Right, I'm calling the police.

Er, for what reason? This is a public right of way.

We've got just as much right to be on this land as you have.

Hello? Er, police?

All right. Just hold on.

Yeah, I'm in a field on the Birchwood Road

and I've come across a couple, I assume they're a couple,

canoodling in the long grass.

I know you're not on the phone.

Hm? Describe them?

Well... They look a bit like the folk duo, Simon and Garfunkel.

Yeah. Yeah, Mrs Robinson.

I know you're not on the phone. So...

Come on. Let's go.

Who were they?

Antiquisearchers.

-FARMER BISHOP:

-Hey, there!

Don't worry, they won't bite. They're only being friendly.

Here he is.

I've been looking for you chaps. I've found this for you.

-Larry, this is Sophie.

-Hi.

Pleasure. Pleasure.

This is what I was telling you about.

Old Man Adam found these

when he was ploughing, God knows how many years ago.

30, 40 years ago...?

They're probably nothing.

You're right there, Larry. Probably worthless.

Well, you're welcome to have them.

Oh, no, no, no. You keep hold of them.

-Any idea where they were ploughed up?

-I'm not exactly sure,

but it wasn't in the paddock.

Don't go diggin' around down there.

Not allowed in the paddock.

Right you are, Larry.

What do you think this is made of? Brass?

Could be brass, Larry... Could be brass.

Come on, girls. Come on.

-HE WHISTLES

-Come on.

-We gotta tell him.

-Tell him what?

-You know damn well, what. That was gold.

-So?

We have a responsibility to report it.

Wrong. We don't have a responsibility to do anything.

It's nothing to do with us.

Listen, you tell him what those things are

and he'll be on the phone to the Eastern Daily press

and this whole place will be crawling with stubble surfers

faster than you can say Staffordshire Hoard.

Have plenty of time to report to our local Finds Liaison Officer

when we actually find something.

This could be a site of real importance!

Let's hope so.

Look, I'm not trying to do anything illegal or underhand.

We didn't find those things.

Old Man Adam did, over 40 years ago.

So, when we do find something, well, we'll...

We'll go through the proper channels.

Declare it, all above board.

But let's find it first. All right?

BEEPING

Told you. See?

Venerable Bede...

Full of shit.

RAPID BEEPING

Aha!

-What is it?

-What you got?

Ford Mustang.