Episode 3 Detectorists

METAL DETECTOR BEEPS

Found anything?

Not sure. It's a good signal though.

What you got?

Nothing.

# Will you search through the lonely Earth for me?

# Climb through the briar and brambles?

# I'll be your treasure

# I'm waiting for you

# I'm waiting for you. #

Oh, this is hopeless. I'm not getting anything.

We don't even know if we're in the right field.

Patience, grasshopper.

If only Bishop could remember

-roughly where they ploughed up the gold.

-Mate...

What?

Keep it down.

What, you think the Antiquisearchers have bugged the field?

Well, I wouldn't put it past them.

-Various gold artefacts were ploughed up...

-What are you doing?

..on this farm several decades ago

and we think it's the site of an important Saxon ship burial!

What are you doing, idiot?

Mate, there's no-one within a mile and a half.

Oh, something, anything, just to let us know we're on the right track.

METAL DETECTOR BEEPING

What you got?

20p.

Don't knock it, mate.

Cheers.

-Oh, cheers.

-That didn't go down at all well.

Thought you were a vegetarian?

I am.

What you doing eating pork scratchings then?

-They're just crisps. They're just pork flavour.

-No, they're not.

-They're pig skin.

-Shut up.

Pork scratchings are fried pig skin, mate. Look at the ingredients.

They can't sell packets of fried pig skin.

Shit!

-How long's this been going on?

-It's always been so.

Nobody ever told me.

So you still up for the open mic on Thursday?

I'm up for it if you are.

Yeah. I think so.

How you getting on with playing and standing up?

Not happening, mate. I'm thinking about making it my gimmick.

What do you mean?

Well, Sandy Shaw performed barefoot,

Nick Drake performed with his back to the audience,

I can perform cross-legged.

-Sounds a bit pretentious.

-No, it's not pretentious, is it?

It's not an affectation because I can't actually do it standing up.

What are they doing here?

This isn't their pub.

Afternoon, ladies.

-Infantile.

-Are you?

I'm not playing that game.

You're brave coming here.

We hear some interesting artefacts were found on Bishop's farm.

-Don't know what you're talking about.

-Oh, I think you do.

We haven't found anything,

unless you consider drinks cans and barbed wire interesting.

I wouldn't expect you two personally to have found anything.

I'm referring to various items of a possible historical interest

that were shown to you by farmer Bishop.

Nope, sorry, you've lost us.

Whether or not you found the items,

you have a responsibility to report anything

that could be considered treasure trove to the district coroner.

No, we don't.

Oh, so you do know what I'm talking about.

No, we don't.

You have 14 days to report the finds,

otherwise I shall alert the relevant authorities myself.

Actually, 12 days now.

-Christ, he can speak.

-Is he allowed to talk?

You're in trouble now, mate. You wait till he gets you home.

Come along, Paul. These amateurs are beneath us.

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

Always have to have the last word, don't you? Hmm?

No.

His name actually is Paul.

How did they find out? Bishop must have told them.

Maybe you're right, maybe they bugged the field.

What we going to do?

That site's too important to lose. We have to defend it.

We have to get the full might of the DMDC on our side.

-All seven of them.

-Exactly.

Blitz the place.

Let's go and talk to Terry, mobilise the troops.

TWINKLY MUSIC

Somebody's coming.

What's that, love?

Somebody's coming.

Who?

Two. One short, one thin.

Righto.

-DOORBELL

-Oh, they're here.

Evening, Terence.

Hello, Lance. Hello, Andy. What can I do you for?

-Oh, it's you. Hello.

-Oh, hello, Sheila.

-Hello, Sheila.

-Would you like some lemonade?

-Oh, no, thanks, Sheila.

It's fresh.

I'll have some, Sheila, thank you.

Oh, go on, then, yeah. That'll be nice.

Yes, please, darling. Lovely.

New acquisition, Terry?

Oh, no. No, just reordering.

I thought I'd try them in denomination rather than date order.

Oh, interesting.

Obviously ordered chronologically within a denomination.

Obviously.

THEY CHUCKLE

So...to what do I owe the honour?

It's Bishop's farm.

Is he standing in your way? He is, isn't he?

Well, it's hardly surprising.

I mean, if I had buried my wife in a shallow grave,

the last people I'd be inviting onto my property

would be men with spades.

No, no, we've got the permission.

-Really?

-Yeah, he was delighted. Pretty much giving us free rein.

It's what he's told us about the place.

-What's he told you?

-Well, there's already been a dig at the farm,

but it was years ago, before the war.

Dug a couple of trenches and then never returned.

But then he showed us some things that had been ploughed up.

What sort of things?

Well...important things. Beautiful things.

Gold and garnets.

-Go on.

-The other lot are sniffing around.

-Antiquisearchers.

Are they?

-They've got wind of it, have they?

-Apparently so.

So we need the club, the full weight of the club, behind us.

-All seven of us.

-What's he like, Bishop?

-Mad as a frog, just like you said.

-And has he mentioned the wife?

He's mentioned her to me but he was in some sort of trance.

What's he up to?

He's up to something.

And he's definitely given you permission to search the land?

All except one field.

Well, that's where she is.

We need to get up there.

Need to get over there soon, no time to lose.

-When then?

-I can't tomorrow, I've got an essay to write.

-Well, I'm busy the day after.

-Wednesday?

-We need to rehearse for the gig.

-You have a gig?

Open mic, White Horse. You should come.

-Sounds good. Thursday?

-That's the day of the gig.

-Can't do Thursday then. The day after?

-Perfect.

All right, it's set.

Oh, thanks, love.

-Thanks, Sheila.

-I thank you.

The DMDC.

-DMDC.

-DMDC.

Wow. That's lemony.

Gosh, it really is, isn't it?

Well done, love. It's delicious.

Hello?

Hello. Mags, it's me, Lance.

Oh, hello, love. Won't be a second.

Hello, love. You all right?

Yeah, good, you?

Yeah, good, I was... I was just out the back.

I brought you this back.

-Oh, is that mine?

-Yeah, it's your favourite.

Oh, yeah. Thanks, love.

-So are you still on for tomorrow?

-What's tomorrow?

-Music night, White Horse.

-Yeah? Who's playing?

I am. I told you.

-Me and Andy are doing one of my songs.

-Oh, yeah, you said.

Oh, I thought that was next Thursday. Is that this Thursday?

Yeah, it's tomorrow. You said you could come.

I'll have to see what Tony's doing.

Oh, forget... Don't worry about Tony.

I mean, if he can't make it, you should come on your own.

All right, I'll see what Tony's doing. What time's it start?

7:30 start, I think, but I'll text you.

Who was it, Maggie? Said we should have closed up.

-Oh, hello, Lance.

-Tony.

Lance just invited us to a music night tomorrow night.

-We're not doing anything, are we?

-I told you about it last week.

-Don't think so, sounds good.

-Great.

We better carry on with our thing, Maggie.

Moving those boxes.

Just coming.

Oh, Lance, could you just flip the closed sign over

on your way out, please?

-Yeah, OK. I'll see you tomorrow night.

-What's tomorrow night?

The White Horse.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'll see you there.

See you, Lance.

# You were my new age girl

# You're the shine of the pearl You're the light of the fair

# You're the tilt-a-whirl...

# Tilt-a-whirl.... #

Oh, no.

Tilt-a!

-Whirl.

-What is a tilt-a-whirl?

-It's a fairground ride. Like a waltzer.

-Right.

Come on, mate. I think it's sounding good.

I don't even think this was a good idea.

Hey, I'm looking forward to it.

So is Becky.

Don't come. I don't want you to come.

OK. And explain to me why I shouldn't be offended by that.

It's going to be awful. I want to spare you the pain.

-Oh, dear.

-And it will cause you pain.

You were so adamant.

I've set the class an easy homework so I can have the night off marking.

I bought you this as a way of saying please, don't come.

Oh.

Cheers.

Honestly, it's going to be dreadful. You'll go off me.

You'll see me up there on stage and you'll think, "What a prick.

"What am I doing with him?"

You're making it sound better and better.

This is a spectacle I don't want to miss.

(Please.)

Will you give me a private performance another time?

Absolutely. Naked, if you want.

-No, clothed is fine.

-Just not in front of a crowd.

You're expecting a crowd?

-Oh, God, yeah. At least a crowd, probably more.

-Oh.

HE MOANS

Becks coming?

No, she... No, she really wanted to, but she's got marking to do.

So, yeah, it's a shame.

How about Maggie?

-Eh?

-Maggie?

-What about her?

-Did you invite her?

Can't remember. May have done.

Who you looking for?

Just seeing who's here.

You haven't met Tony, have you?

-Maggie's new bloke?

-Don't think so.

-Massive knob.

-Has he?

No, he is one. Not he's got one.

I've got no idea how big his knob is.

-I imagine it's probably tiny.

-Probably.

No, she'll turn up, and if she doesn't,

it'll just be a nice, low-profile thing,

practice run for the stadium tour.

I may have put it on Facebook.

Oh, balls, when?

-Other night when I was feeling confident.

-Nice.

-Shit.

-What?

-Simon and Garfunkel.

-More of them.

Is this pub an Antiquisearchers stronghold?

I don't know, where do they meet?

WI on a Thursday.

Bollocks.

Oh, well. What are they going to do?

Spotted.

Right, that's settled, we're not doing the song.

Deal. We'll get a drink.

-Otherwise they've won. What are you having?

-Pint, please.

-Hiya.

-Oh, hi, Sophe.

-Andy, hello.

-Who are you saying hello to?

You, who do you think?

Oh. You got Lance's message then?

What message?

On Facebook.

Oh, yeah, yeah, thought I'd come down.

Cool, I don't actually know if we're going to be doing it after all.

-What?

-The song.

Oh, really? Why not?

Turns out this place is an Antiquisearchers bastion.

They're all around. A wretched hive of scum and villainy.

We must be cautious.

What are you drinking?

-A pint, please. Where are you sitting?

-Down there.

Oh, blimey. Hello, everyone.

I did put it on Facebook.

Oh, that's blown it.

I guess we're doing the song after all.

-We're looking forward to it, aren't we, love?

-Yes.

-What's it called?

Er... Wait and see.

Is it a sad song? I love sad songs.

Is it, Lance?

Is it a sad song?

No, not especially.

Is it about your ex-wife?

No, why'd you say that?

Because of the way you keep going on about her.

-I do not.

-Is she coming tonight?

I don't know. Does anyone want a drink?

I'll get them. Pint?

Pint? Pintosh?

Coke?

Sheila, what are you having?

Pina Colada.

I'm not sure they'll have that at the White Horse.

I'll check. But if they don't?

-Snowball.

-Snowball, got it.

Cheers, everybody who have come here to folk it up at the White Horse.

First up, Johnny Piper.

APPLAUSE

Hey.

# Would you search the lonely Earth for me?

# Climb through the briar and bramble?

# I'll be your treasure

# I felt the touch of the kings and the breath of the wind

# I knew the call of all the songbirds

# They sang all the wrong words

# I'm waiting for you

# I'm waiting for you... #

APPLAUSE

Is she here? I can't see her.

Thank you, Johnny, lovely stuff,

and moving right along,

please welcome Lance Stater and Andy Stone.

DMDC CHEERING

This is New Age Girl.

# Back when the sky was clear and blue

# I met a girl who looked like you

# But when she opened her arms I fell clean through

# And now I don't know what to do

# Because you were my new age girl

# You're the shine in the pearl You're the lights of the fair

# You're the tilt-a-whirl

# And when I fell, I paid the price

# You found a man who took a slice of your love

# He erected a circle of stones around your heart

# And like a tear and share he tore us apart

# Because you were my new age girl

# You're the shine in the pearl

# You're the lights of the fair You're the tilt-a-whirl

# You're the sun, you're the moon

# You're the light in the room

# You were my new age girl. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Double whisky?

-Yes, please.

Right, you'll have to take a ten minute break

while the next act parks the van.

That was good.

-Shut up.

-It was.

Well, it was better than I thought it was going to be

-but that's not really saying very much.

-I liked it.

Why was Lance on a toadstool? Has he got piles?

No, he can't play unless he's sitting cross-legged.

Seriously?

That is brilliant.

Hello?

Hello.

Hi.

-You came down?

-Yup.

I was bored and that wine you bought was a bit shit.

This is Sophie.

Hello, Sophie.

-Sophie, this is...

-Becky.

Becky. This is Becky.

Hi, Becky.

Well, this is nice.

Sit down, I'll get you a drink. What are you having?

-Just an orange juice, thanks.

-Great. Really? Sit down.

I'll get it.

-Maggie didn't turn up.

-Becky's here.

Oh, yeah. Hello, Becks. You all right?

Yeah, good thanks, Lance. Second thoughts, I'm going to head off.

-Oh, OK, I'll see you at home.

-Yeah.

-Bye, Lance.

-Cheers.

She was nice.

Oh, shit.

Becks!

Becks!

-Who the hell is she?

-Just someone from the club.

Just someone from the club who you hold hands with?

We weren't holding hands.

She was holding my hand for moral support.

-How old is she?

-I don't know.

-Yes, you do.

-23.

Brilliant.

-Thanks.

-There's nothing going on.

-Really? Then why didn't you want me to come tonight?

-I told you.

-Because I thought it was going to be crap.

-And was it?

Actually it was OK, we were quite pleased.

You're pathetic. You're having a pathetic, little midlife crisis.

Go on, leave me for a younger woman

and get a pair of leather trousers and a motorbike while you're at it.

What would you get?

A Triumph Bonneville, probably.

Or a Kawasaki.

She calm down eventually?

Sort of.

You spoken to Maggie?

Yeah.

Why didn't she come?

She had no recollection of me ever mentioning it.

Oh, well.

Here he is.

Hello, Terry.

Hello, chaps. Sorry, I'm a bit late. Flamenco class.

Has to be done.

So here we are. Bishop's farm.

Thought I'd never see the day.

Anyone else coming?

No, no, no. There's plenty of time to get them involved later on.

I thought we could do a bit ourselves, you know.

-Have a bit of a recce.

-Really?

Is he around?

-Bishop? I haven't seen him.

-Oh.

And which is the field he told you to stay out of?

The paddock on the Birchwood Road.

Told us not to go digging down there.

Right, that's where we want to start then.

Really? We sort of gave him our word.

What is under there that he doesn't want people digging up, eh?

That is where she is.

If he comes along, challenges me, I'll just plead ignorance.

Here.

You let me know if you find anything.

-Press that button to speak, let it go to listen.

-Will do.

And always say "over" at the end of a transmission.

-Copy that.

-Ten four.

He's on a different mission.

Thinks he's back on the force, the glory days.

Wants to find Mrs Bishop. Crack a cold case.

Over.

So he's got five

on the life and works of PG Wodehouse.

Onto the general knowledge round.

First question -

What flightless bird is an unofficial symbol of New Zealand?

Matey answers kangaroo. I mean, where do I start?

-Don't have to.

-No, I shouldn't have to.

They're not biting. Shall we call it a day?

Suppose.

Come in, Terry, over.

Go ahead, over.

We're thinking of calling it a day.

Over.

Right you are. I've got a target here, it's quite big and quite deep.

It's probably a pipe or a gate post,

but I'm going to throw down a sondage and check it out anyway.

Over.

Well, we'll give it about ten minutes

then we'll head down to that pub on the corner?

Over.

See you in there. Over and out.

EXPLOSION

Shit.