Episode 4 Detectorists

BEEPING

Definitely still something in there.

I knew it!

It's a piece of shrapnel, I can feel it.

Well, meter's saying small bronze coin, possibly Georgian,

but it's a bit of an iffy signal.

Doctors are refusing to believe me, reckon I'm making a fuss.

-How's it feel?

-Nah, it's not too bad.

I was lucky I was wearing my triple-weave combat protectives.

-You were quite a way from the crater.

-Yeah, blew me about 40ft.

-Were you running?

-No. No, it was the blast.

-So, when do you get out?

-Couple of days.

They want to make sure that the cuts aren't infected.

Well, they better get the shrapnel out.

You can't go detecting with metal in your leg,

you'll get a signal every other step.

That's why Barry Sheen had to call it a day.

-Who'd have thought, eh? Mr Health and Safety?

-Yeah, all right, Russ.

-Of all the people.

-Do you know what type of bomb it was?

It was just your basic Luftwaffe FLAM C500 incendiary, Hugh.

-Cool.

-Hmm.

Well, there's a lesson here for everyone.

Oh, what's that, Russ? Don't dig up bombs?

Don't detonate bombs.

He's right, you know.

I'm losing my touch.

It's a rookie mistake. First day of metal detecting school.

I thought that was don't detect in a thunderstorm.

They get through a lot on that first day.

-Perhaps it's time to hang up the old detector.

-What?!

-No!

What's more, it may be time to hand over the presidency.

Really?

For more than a decade,

I have shared in the turbulent history of this club.

I have tried to the best of my ability

to discharge those duties that were entrusted to me.

And now, having finished the work assigned me,

I retire from the great theatre of action. And bidding...

Hang on, that's the George Washington resignation speech.

Doesn't matter, it's relevant.

And bidding an affectionate farewell to this august body,

I here offer my commission...

and take leave of all the employments of public life.

HUGH CLAPS

-Thank you.

-APPLAUSE

Thank you.

So, who's going to take over?

Well, that's for you to decide.

But I would suggest Andy as the new leader.

-What does it involve?

-Buying a new jar of Nescafe every three months.

-It's more than that, Russell!

-Every four months.

Look, there are subscriptions to collect.

We've got seven members.

There are talks and rallies to organise,

there are permissions to secure...

I think Andy is the man to lead this club forward.

Er...thanks, Terry. I'll... I'll certainly think about it.

Good. Now, if you don't mind,

thank you all for coming, but I would like to get some rest.

-Let us know if you need anything, Terry.

-Take away those pillows.

I shall need them no more.

-Lewis Carroll.

-Get out!

TERRY INHALES SHARPLY

Erm...Terry?

-Yes, Hugh?

-If they get that piece of shrapnel out...

It's yours, mate.

Thanks, Terry.

Cheers.

BIRDSONG

But why me?

You're studying archaeology. He sees you as legit.

Why would I want to be president of the DMDC?

Think of the power.

Are you serious? What power?

The power to lord it over Russell and Hugh?

The power to collect £3.50 off them every quarter?

No, I'm talking about the power to change the club,

turn it into something worthwhile.

You could get that bloke to be patron.

-What bloke?

-You know, "I have a cunning plan."

-Sir Tony Robinson?

-Is he a sir?

Yeah, show some respect.

We could get fleeces with DMDC embroidered on 'em.

I doubt you could buy them in batches of less than 50.

-Well, then advertise, increase the membership.

-Just to fill the fleeces?

No, to increase our clout, increase our influence.

The antique researchers are officially affiliated

with the Colchester Museum.

They get to be official detectorists on any dig in the county.

We could be sitting on something bigger than Sutton Hoo here.

Yeah, if we could turn our club into something more professional,

then we could oust them from their position.

Yeah. Mount a dirty-smears campaign.

Eww!

It's just a smear campaign.

You're thinking of a dirty protest.

Whatever.

Here.

Oh, nice!

Anyway, I need to get down there again.

I know. I'm working a lot this week.

-Can't wait too long.

-Yeah.

-I'll find some time. Don't go down there without me.

-Nope. OK.

-Becky talking to you again?

-Just about.

It was just a misunderstanding. I think she was drunk.

Oh, didn't seem drunk.

No, but she was being sick the next morning, that's a sure sign.

No...everything's fine.

Good. So we're all up for quiz night on Friday?

-Don't see why not.

-That's good, we need her geography knowledge.

Right, not her company and conversation?

Just as long as she knows the longest river in Azerbaijan.

-I'm thinking of inviting Sophie down, actually.

-What?

Whose team would she be on?

Ours. You're allowed up to four members in a team.

But it's you, me and Becks. It's always been us.

You know, just the three of us, the old team,

that's what makes it so impressive when we win.

It'll only be the once. I want Becky and Sophie to be friends.

Right, well, good luck with that one, then.

-What do you mean?

-Well, I just think you're on thin ice,

could find yourself in some hot water.

But it's always been you, me and Lance, just the three, the old team.

Well, you're allowed up to four members on a team

and I think you'd like her if you got to know her.

-I don't particularly want to get to know her.

-Why not?

-Well, she's a floozy.

-A floozy? I haven't heard that word in years.

-She's a dolly bird.

-You sound like your mum.

Sorry. Sorry, you don't sound like your mum,

you've never sounded like your mum. That was wrong of me.

I've just never heard you use words like "floozy" and "dolly bird" before.

Anyway, the point is by saying that you don't want to know Sophie,

you're basically saying that you still believe

something's going on between me and Sophie.

And, by your own admission, you don't believe that any more.

-SHE SIGHS

-Christ!

What is all this stuff? It weighs a tonne.

End of term presents from the kids,

-mainly candles and World's Best Teacher mugs.

-Can't we dump it?

-No, what if somebody found it?

-They couldn't trace it back to you.

Hello? World's Best Teacher.

-Good point.

-Did you go the hospital?

Yeah, he's fine, just cuts and bruises.

He's loving it, actually, enjoying the drama.

He's resigned the club presidency.

-Wow! I'll alert the media.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Does that mean the end of the DMDC?

-No, why should it?

Well, who's going to be stupid enough

to want to take over as president?

-You're not?

-Why not?

Oh, God!

-What

-possible

-reason could you have

for wanting to be president of the Danbury Metal Detecting Club?!

-I'd say it was an ego thing but there are only six members.

-Seven.

Being the glorious leader of six socially awkward geeks

-isn't going to boost anyone's ego.

-Seven.

Lance says we can increase membership and then have more power

and influence in the archaeological world.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Power and influence?!

You're deluded!

Lance says we can ask Sir Tony Robinson to be patron.

-Who?

-Baldrick off of Blackadder.

-Is he a sir?

-Yes!

Why would he ever agree to that?

Because he's a champion of archaeology and archaeologists.

But you're not archaeologists, you're a bunch of hobbyists!

You are amateur metal detectors!

Detectorists.

-Lance says...

-CROCKERY CLATTERS

-You don't want to hear what Lance says, do you?

-No!

I just see little enough of you as it is!

And when I do, you're either caked in mud or smelling of scout hall!

It was the last day of term today, I'm a teacher,

I get a stupidly long summer holiday,

I wanted to go away somewhere, somewhere good,

somewhere with a swimming pool!

But we can't afford it! Maybe we can go away somewhere crap instead?!

Just let us find this ship burial

and I'll take you wherever you want to go.

-Simple as that?

-Simple as that.

And, in the meantime, I'll take you to the Two Brewers for quiz night.

Does it have a swimming pool?

-Hmm, I'm not sure.

-SHE GROANS

-SHE SIGHS

-OK. Sounds good.

SQUEAKING

LANCE SINGS ALONG TO RADIO # And the operator says 40 cents more

# For the next three minutes

# Please, Mrs Avery I've just got to talk to her

-PHONE RINGS

-# I'll only keep her a while... #

MUSIC OFF

Yeah, hello?

I can't do it, mate, I'm taking Mags and her mum to Bingo.

Oh, what? I changed my shift especially.

Well, why can't her new bloke take them?

She uses you.

She bloody does.

No, she bloody doesn't.

I want to help her. I can do tomorrow.

Don't worry about that, Bishop's given us permission.

It's still our land.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry.

She asked me and I...

I didn't feel I could let her down.

All right, whatever.

Yeah, maybe.

All right, see ya.

PHONE RINGS

Hey, Sophie.

Guess what I've got?

Technetic's UO Tech.

No, second hand. Nearly new.

Unwanted Christmas present, apparently.

So, when are we going out?

Oh, I dunno. Lance is busy and we sort of said we wouldn't.

Yeah. No, I suppose it couldn't hurt.

All right, what time?

All right, see you there.

Whoa!

Terry had a lucky escape.

Yeah, but at least he got an anecdote out of it.

Well, look at me.

Very nice. You're one of us now.

-Just need some camouflage.

-Why do detectorists wear camouflage?

-To hide from predators.

-Of course.

-So what are we looking for?

-A Saxon king.

-Sexred of the Saxons?

-You got it.

-Well, what's he look like?

-About yay high, beard, buried in a ship.

-OK.

So, this is your discrimination, that differentiates between metals,

so you won't get a signal when you go over iron.

And this here sets your ground balance.

-Yeah, yeah, boring. Come on, let's go.

-Whoa! Slow down.

You've got to know these things or you'll spend your whole time

-digging holes with nothing in the bottom of 'em.

-Bollocks!

Set it to treasure and let's go get rich.

What happened to you?

What happened to the girl who was interested in local history?

It's not about finding treasure, it's about finding...

Buttons and ring-pulls?

No thank you. Show me to the non-ferrous metals.

-Unbelievable!

-First pre-decimal coin buys the drinks!

SHUTTER CLICKS REPEATEDLY

# I knew no vices and I knew no sin

# I knew the words but they didn't sink in

-# Stayed out those tunnels that pull people down

-BEEPING

-# There's more of those tunnels in your home town

-BEEPING

# Fell far from grace

# So far I couldn't see

# And, oh, underground, I wasn't that far from the tree

# We're all digging if you want to know

# Fixing, digging far too slow

# Far too slow

# We dug for money, We shovelled four tonnes

# And the end wasn't funny, Though we'd all had fun

# Limping and broken, The tunnel fell in

# I've been limping from tunnels Since my original sin

# Birthright's a trouble

# My father dug, too

# He got where he was going At the age of 62

# We're all digging, If you want to know

# Fixing, digging far too slow

# Far too slow. #

BEEPING

SQUEAKING

You won't believe the photo I just took of you.

Oh, my God!

SHE GASPS

You found your gold!

I found my gold.

Oh, dear.

I think we're going to get told off.

Basically, good news and bad news.

What's the bad news?

MOD have turned up, site's out of bounds.

They're doing geophys to determine whether

there's any more unexploded subsoil ordinance.

Well, just as long as they don't find anything pre-1940.

How did you find out? Did you phone Bishop?

Well, that's where the good news comes in.

Wait for it.

Da-dah!

What's that?!

Gold Stata.

Well, I know what it is. Where did you get it?

Bishop's farm, not far from the crater.

You went there without me?

Well, yeah. I know we sort of said, but I didn't think you'd mind

-and we certainly didn't expect...

-We?! Who's "we"?

Me and Sophie.

She bought a detector, she wanted to try it out.

-I didn't think you'd mind.

-Well, I do mind!

I do mind you went to Bishop's farm without me when you said you wouldn't.

I do mind you went with Sophie.

And I do mind you found your first gold with her and not with me.

-Come on, mate.

-Did you do a dance?

-No.

-We always said we'd do a dance when we first found gold.

Yeah, well, it didn't seem right without you there.

Didn't want to feel un-cool in front of your new girlfriend?

-She's not my girlfriend.

-Why don't you do it now?

-What, dance?

-Yeah.

-What, here?

-Yeah.

-No.

-Go on, dance.

-Don't want to.

-Well, why don't you get out of my flat, then?

-Come on!

No, go on. I've got stuff to do.

We still doing the quiz?

-Yeah. Yeah, I'm doing the quiz, yeah.

-Oh, good.

-But not with you.

-What?!

-You've got a new detecting partner,

-she can be your new quiz partner an' all.

-Come on, mate.

No, I'll find my own team.

And while we're at it, I've decided to stand for club president, as well.

We can't stand against each other, that's ridiculous.

Pull out, then. Or, better still, whoever loses the quiz on Friday,

they can pull out the presidency.

-Who's your team?

-Oh, I've got people.

Intelligent people.

ANDY SNIGGERS Get out!

MURMURING CHATTER

Two halves...for the ladies.

-HE LAUGHS

-And a pint for me. Cheers.

Thanks, love.

Why are you drinking girls' drinks, Lance? Watching the figure?

-Driving.

-Still got the old banger?

-TR7's a classic.

-Take no notice, Lance, he's just jealous.

Jealous of the Yellow Peril?

I don't need a penis extension to prove myself.

It's not a penis extension, Tony, penis extensions are red.

It is a penis extension.

A tiny yellow penis extension.

-Can we stop talking about my penis?

-Probably best.

Leaves a bad taste in the mouth.

Or so I've heard.

-TONY LAUGHS

-Tony!

THEY BOTH LAUGH

-What do you mean? Why not?

-He's got a new team.

-What new team?

-I dunno.

-Well, who's going to be our sub?

-Sophie, I told you.

-What?!

-I told you.

I want you to see that she's actually really nice.

-SHE LAUGHS/GROANS

-I'm sure she's bloody wonderful.

-Oh, look, there's Lance.

-Who's he with?

-What's going on?

-Nothing. Who's he with?

-Have you two fallen out?

-No. What? Why?

-Brilliant!

I'll be sitting there like a lemon while you ignore your boyfriend.

-He's not my boyfriend.

-And hold hands with your girlfriend.

-She's not my girlfriend.

-She's a floozy.

-She's not a floozy.

-Who's not a floozy?

-Hello, Sophie. Look, it's Sophie.

-Oh, yes.

-Hi.

-So, Sophie, this is erm...Becky.

Becky...this is Sophie. I think you've met before.

-Yep. Hi again.

-Hello.

Sorry I poured three pints of strong European lager over you

last time we met. It was an accident.

That's OK. Happens all the time.

-Er...what are you drinking. Sophie, a pint?

-Three, please.

HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

Right, I'm going for a fag. You coming, Mags?

-Yeah, go on, then.

-No, they're about to start in a minute.

Won't be long.

All right?

Come on, mate, this isn't worth it. Come and join us at our table.

Loser pulls out of the presidency.

If you like.

And loser leaves the club.

-All right, tosser.

-You tosser.

-Are you?

-No, you are.

BIRDSONG

-MAN:

-'Right, now, quiz rules state...'

-Come on, then, that's us.

-'..that everyone must hand over

'their telephones for the duration of the quiz.'

CHATTER

So, how does this work?

Quiz master asks the questions

and if you know the answer you write it down.

Yes, it's your basic pub quiz.

Different rounds, different subjects.

What's your speciality, do you think?

Children's programmes?

Well, I'm studying ancient history, so...

Yeah, doesn't often come up in the Two Brewers pub quiz.

You're a primary school teacher, aren't you?

-So you're probably good at most subjects.

-That's right.

Up to Year-6 standard?

-Where have you been?! We're about to start!

-All right!

Jesus! Don't wet yourself.

And, if everybody's ready...

Round one.

The sports round.

-ANDY GROANS

-Question one. Which football club is nearest the Mersey?

-It's Liverpool.

-No, it's Stockport. It's definitely Stockport.

People think it's Liverpool or Everton, it's definitely Stockport.

-OK.

-Put it down.

-Stockport.

-Question two.

What was the 1966 World Cup mascot in England?

-I know it.

-I know it!

-Oh, that's it.

-Yes!

-Willy?

-Willy.

-Yeah.

Hopefully some geography questions will come up.

Becky's got a geography degree.

Oh, my God! Amazing! Well done you!

Moving on to round two.

Lads' mags!

Ye-he-he-ess!

What does FHM stand for?

-MUTTERING

-Just give him the pencil.

All right, fine.

-Write it!

-HE LAUGHS

Look at them, they know everything. Don't you read lads' mags, Andy?

-No.

-No, lads' mags are for men having midlife crises

who like looking at pictures of floozies and dolly birds.

ANDY LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

Round three. The Balearic Islands.

-Oh!

-Ohh!

-Danke schon!

On to the next round.

ITV2.

What?!

-Oh!

-Perfect!

-Series link!

That's not a category!

On to round five. Astronomy.

Here we go.

Question one.

What star sign are you

if you was born on the 10th of October?

-That's not...

-Oh, I know this.

-No.

-I know this!

That's astrology, not astronomy.

What's the difference?

She's got it. She knows it.

And final round this evening is archaeology.

Here we are.

What year was the tomb of Tutankhamen discovered?

Who?!

1923.

-'23.

-No, it's 1922.

-Is it?

-The actual discovery of the tomb

when they found the steps was 1922,

when they broke through into the burial chamber

-and found the wonderful things, that was early 1923.

-BECKY SIGHS

I did a project with my Year-6 children.

Well? This is your department,

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Urgh!

I know, it's just... It's either 1922 or 1923.

Oh, Lance!

CHATTER

MAGS: Put both years! Put both.

And the winners tonight,

who got every question right...

apart from them ones in the archaeology round,

they were quite difficult.

The winners are...

this team here!

BOTH: Oh!

APPLAUSE

BOTH LAUGH

-We win!

-There we are.

-Here, fellas.

Humiliating defeat.

Just goes to prove Lance is the trivia king.

-Still, nice to meet you, Sophie.

-Yeah, you too.

See ya.

-BOTH LAUGH

-I'm so proud!

See ya.

-Which is why you need to elect

-me

-as your next president.

Look, if I'm right, ladies and gentlemen,

then this is it, this is the big one, what we've all been looking for,

the final resting place of Sexred, King of the East Saxons.

So what we've got to do is make the initial find,

then we can secure our right to play a part in the excavation.

So let's get some new members in, some fresh blood,

and let's get some fleeces with DMDC embroidered on 'em.

No, Russell, it won't be too expensive,

because I've got a mate who works down at the custom fleece warehouse

and he'll give us a discount.

What's that young Hugh? Well, do you see Andy here?

Where is Andy in our hour of need?

Sorry, do you want to be alone with your detector?

Yeah, if you wouldn't mind.

-Do you talk to it?

-Sometimes.

Does every detector have its own personality?

Lance would have you believe they do.

Why aren't you talking to Lance? What's it all about?

I went detecting on Bishop's farm when we sort of said we wouldn't.

On your own?

Yeah.

Oops.

He'll get over it. Don't be sad.

I'm going to let him be club president.

Well, you should, he's totally suited to it. You'd be rubbish.

I've pulled out of the presidential race.

-Was it a race?

-Sort of. No, not really.

I'm glad anyway, I didn't really want to do it,

I just got caught up in all the excitement.

-Oh, my God! You are so sad!

-SHE LAUGHS

Hang on, why aren't you drinking?

You haven't got school tomorrow.

There's a reason.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, bloody hell! Who's that?

-What reason?

-Hang on.

What reason? Are you trying to lose weight?

I never said you needed to lose weight.

You don't need to lose weight.

I thought that's why you weren't drinking.

-Becks, what you doing? Where are you going?

-To my mum's.

Is it what I said?

It's not because of what you said, it's what you've done!

-What have I done?

-Wrack your brains!

-Becky, wait!

-ENGINE STARTS

HE SIGHS