Episode 5 Detectorists

This programme contains very strong language.

# Will you search through the lonely earth for me

# Climb through the briar brambles

# I'll be your treasure

# I'm waiting for you

# I'm waiting for you. #

-Hey.

-Hey.

-I phoned, left a message.

-Oh, sorry, phone's on silent.

I went to Bishop's Farm but you weren't there.

Yeah, I didn't really want to go there again without Lance.

-Is that why you've fallen out?

-Kind of, yeah.

Sorry, that's my fault.

It's all right.

It was nice to meet Becky the other night. She seems nice.

Yeah, cheers.

She's left me.

What? Why?

I'm not really sure.

-Well, where's she gone?

-Her mum's.

Is that my fault as well, then?

Probably.

Sorry.

-What are you going to do?

-About Becky or Lance?

-Both.

I don't know. I'm thinking of giving it all up.

What, detecting?

We're skint.

If I sell my detector I could afford to take Becky away somewhere.

I've found my gold. Think I'm done.

Lance will be gutted.

Becky won't though.

-Did you watch University Challenge last night?

-No.

But you always watch University Challenge.

-I don't know how to turn the TV on.

-What?

-Becky always turns the TV on.

-Are you serious?

Three remote controls.

It's a complicated sequence involving all three

-and I never got to grips with it.

-You need to get her back.

Yep, or I'll never get to watch TV again.

Do you want to do a quick sweep of this field, then?

No, I'm going to head off.

I've got to get to work.

See you later.

See you.

All right, Cliff?

-Done them sprouts?

-Yep.

Done them caulies?

Yep.

You see University Challenge last night?

-See what?

-University Challenge.

Quiz show on TV?

Jeremy Paxman?

Done them spuds?

Yep.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hello, Maggs.

Yeah. No, I'm at work.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Ted!

Is it all right if I knock off once I've done them pomegranates?

Yep. OK.

Excuse me.

Excuse me!

Oh...sorry.

What properties do the amethyst ones have?

Erm, erm, amethyst?

Erm, well, cleanse your chakras

and your aura.

General purpose spiritual cleanser.

Quite strong, like Swarfega.

And the moonstone?

Moonstone puts you in touch with the moon -

strengthens your spiritual relationship with the moon.

And the quartz?

Quartz...

gives you a...

..mild sense of...paranoia.

Have you got anything shamanic?

Shamanic, shamanic, shamanic, shamanic, sham...

Well, we've got a whole shamanic section. It's just over here.

Loads of it.

Sorry.

I was longer than I thought.

-Kept me waiting at the bank.

-That's all right. How did it go?

No good. They won't give me any more.

It's all about high street chains these days.

-No room for an independent like me.

-So what does that mean?

I can't afford the rent. I'm going to have to close up.

That was my last hope.

-Tony has been offered a transfer to another restaurant.

-Pizza Hut?

Another Pizza Hut, yeah. We'll move up north.

What about all your friends? Your mum?

She'll have to come with.

Oh...

If only I could find someone who'd give me a loan

just for a couple of months.

Well, I suppose...

-Oh, Lance, really?

-Well, no, I don't know if I can.

I mean, I'd have to run some numbers, see what I can spare.

That would be so good of you.

It would only be for a couple of months while I sort this all out.

The shop's starting to pick up. It's been going really well.

-Yeah?

-Yeah, really well.

Have you sold much while I've been gone?

Erm, just a green sky otter.

What about Tony? Has he not got any savings?

Nah, not that he's told me about. He spends it all on his skin.

Right.

You'd really save me if you could, Lance,

and it would mean we could stay here and I'd get to see you more often.

-Well, I don't know if I can yet, Maggs. I'll have a look.

-Course.

I haven't got that much time though, Lance.

Fancy a cuppa?

Go on, then.

Do you take sugar? I can't remember.

Do I take sugar? You know I do. One!

Tea without sugar is vegetable soup.

That's right! I won't be a sec.

What does this do?

Oh, God. Hmm?

Oh, it's a...

spirit stick.

Yeah.

You...

..hit spirits with it.

Come on, Becky. Please.

I feel like I'm in a Richard Curtis film.

I told you not to come here. I told you I'd phone you.

I lost my phone. I thought you might have been trying to call.

That's bollocks. I can see your phone.

-I found it again.

-Were there any messages from me?

-No.

-Right, well, I guess I didn't phone you, then.

-I sold my metal detector.

-Really?

No, not yet, but I'm going to sell it tomorrow. I got a quote from the

bloke in the shop and I'm definitely going to sell it tomorrow.

And this is your big gesture - your big romantic gesture?

I suppose it is. I thought we could go away somewhere.

It's not about the detecting, Andy.

-What's it about, then?

-You really don't know!

No, I don't think I do.

-This isn't what it looks like.

-Really?

Because it looks like you kissing Sophie in a field.

It's not. She kissed me.

Right. Like she was holding your hand the other night in the pub.

Yes. This...this isn't a romantic kiss.

-This is a congratulations kiss.

-Well, congratulations.

There's no tongues.

Uh! Please spare me.

Where did...? Did you take this?

No, I didn't.

I've got better things to do than sneak around spying on you.

It was left on the doorstep.

I'm not sleeping with Sophie.

I didn't say you were sleeping with Sophie.

I think you're getting nice and friendly with Sophie

with a view to hopefully sleeping with her in the near future.

-No, that's not what I want.

-What do you want?

You, Becks. I want you.

I don't know if I want you any more.

I've got to think. I need some time.

Please don't come round here and don't phone me.

-Do you...?

-No. I'm all right, thanks.

I'm good for photos of you kissing other women.

Going to keep it, are you? Put it in your scrapbook?

No, I just...I didn't...

-I don't want it in there, thanks.

-Pardon?

I don't want it in my mum's bin.

-Have you got a recycling bin?

-Just take it with you.

Yeah, right, sorry.

Hello.

Hello.

How's it going?

Yeah, brilliant, yeah.

-Have you spoken to Andy?

-Who?

Oh, come on, Lance. What's going on?

Why aren't you two speaking?

-Why do you think?

-Because of the gold?

Look...

it used to be me and Andy, right.

This was our escape from the rude world, from the madding crowd.

You know, we were quite happy finding junk and talking bollocks

and then you come along and throw a shoe in the works.

Do you know how often we find gold?

Never!

We never find it.

And that's what we're looking for. We don't say that.

We don't say we're looking for gold.

We pretend we're happy, you know, finding buckles and buttons

and crap, but what we're hoping for...

is gold.

Find one piece of gold.

Something that's been held by Saxon or...

Roman.

One of the other ancient peoples that once roamed this land before us.

Me and Andy, well, we've been detecting along time.

We must have been pulled a couple of tons of metal out of this county.

Lead, bronze, copper, iron,

occasionally silver.

Never gold.

So when you buy a second-hand metal detector

and go out for the first time and find gold with my best friend,

yeah, yeah, I'll admit it,

I'm a bit jealous because I wish I'd been there.

I didn't find it. Andy did.

-You were his lucky charm, were you?

-I don't know.

I didn't find it, I didn't plant it. He found it on his own.

Yeah, I know.

I don't believe in lucky charms.

You wouldn't say that if you saw me in Maggie's shop yesterday.

-Yeah?

-Quite the new age salesman, I was.

I didn't get to meet Maggie the other day in the pub.

No, probably lucky.

She'd have fleeced you.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

She's after a loan from me to pay her rent and keep her shop open.

-Did you give it to her?

-No.

Well, didn't say I would, didn't say I wouldn't.

If I don't, she'll move up north and I'll never see her again.

What's her new bloke doing? Why can't he bail her out?

-Cause he's a cunt.

-Gotcha.

Don't do it, Lance.

Don't lend her anything.

That's none of your business.

I know. Sorry.

Listen...

..I've never admitted this to anyone, but...

..I really won the lottery the day Maggie left me.

Right.

You mean, what, you didn't realise at the time

but actually it was the best thing that could have happened?

Pardon?

You mean that...it was a good thing.

What was?

-Maggie leaving you?

-Eh?

What did you mean then, "I won the lottery?"

-I won the lottery the day Maggie left me.

-Sorry, what do you mean?

What part of, "I won the lottery", don't not understand?

-You won the lottery?

-Yes.

-The National Lottery?

-Yes.

-How much?

-Three hundred grand.

-Shut up!

-True.

November the fifth.

She said she was leaving, that she'd met this bloke, and she left.

I was reeling. I didn't know what to do so I went out for a walk...

..and everywhere was lit up.

You know, firework night.

It was like everyone was celebrating my misfortune

so I went into this offie to buy a can,

but I only had a quid so I bought a lottery ticket.

First one I've ever bought.

And, bam,

300K, thank you very much.

No way!

Yes way.

Never told anyone that before.

-Can I borrow a tenner?

-No.

Oh, God.

What?

It's them. The Everly Brothers.

Simon and Garfunkel.

Hello, there!

Ah...

We have good news!

Go on.

This land is now a site of special archaeological interest.

Under the jurisdiction of Colchester Museum.

And we, the Antique Researchers, have been given sole permission

to detect on this land as official affiliators of

and in accordance with the North Essex Portable Antiquities...

All right, mate. Jesus. Listen to yourself.

You sound like a dickhead. Speak normally.

You no longer have permission to detect on this land

under the Ancient Monuments and Archaeological Areas Act 1979.

Still sound like a dickhead. Look like a dickhead as well.

-Immature as usual.

-Dickhead.

All right. Let's go.

Too late, mate. They're pushing us out.

-They've got sole permission.

-Did you take this photo?

No.

-Well, you haven't even seen it yet so obviously you did.

-What is it?

Phil, you bastard.

-Phil?

-Phil?

-Is your name Phil?

-How did you know his name was Phil?

-I thought it was Art.

-Why Art?

-Shut the fuck up, Paul.

-What's going on?

-Do you want to tell them?

-Not really.

Wait, are you an Antique Researcher?

-Was.

-Was?

They asked me to keep an eye on you.

Jesus, this is like the worst ever episode of Scooby-Doo.

-Hello, there!

-Oh, here we go.

I see you've met.

Exciting news, eh?

The MoD have finished their survey

and the archaeology bods are arriving at the weekend,

opening up a couple of trenches, having a look see what they find.

Super.

And I understand you chaps are helping them out.

No, these chaps are. We've been pushed out.

-What? Why?

-Do you remember I told you about the rogues?

Well, these are they.

And she was the mole.

-Andy.

-She spied on us and passed the information on to these chaps.

Oh, come on.

You're all metal detectors.

ALL: Detectorists!

-Pub?

-Go on, then.

Andy!

I'm sorry.

Did you see Fifteen To One?

No. I can't turn on the telly.

-Not the same.

-I know.

-I miss William G Stewart.

-Yeah.

Yeah, I like Toksvig, but, you know,

she's always cracking jokes.

William G never cracked jokes.

Very rarely.

And when he did they weren't funny.

Yeah, there's no room for humour on Fifteen To One.

You know, I knew there was something I didn't like about her.

Sold us down the river.

-It's that new detector she bought.

-Had it for years probably.

-And Bishop's Farm?

-Gone.

Bugger.

Well, personally, I'm withdrawing my bid to become Club President.

Yeah, likewise.

So who's going to lead us, then? I'm not bloody doing it.

To be honest, Russ, I think the days of the DMDC are numbered.

-But we've still got half a jar of coffee left.

-You take it.

We're...we're not going to disband, are we?

Well, I'm going to go independent.

Go it alone.

Like the Lone Ranger?

A bit like the Lone Ranger, Hugh, yeah.

-What about you, Andy?

-I'll probably go it alone as well, with Lance.

-Like Tonto?

-No, Hugh. Not like Tonto.

-Terry, you're back!

-Can't keep a good man down, Russell.

-How's the leg?

-Oh, a bit stiff, but on the mend.

The doctors said he will back at Flamenco in a month.

Well, we'll see, love. Don't want to rush things.

Hang on, where's the finds table?

-We couldn't find it.

-Oh, well, that's just great.

That is indicative of the whole attitude of this club, isn't it?

I'm away for a week and everything falls apart.

I mean, why couldn't you use that table or that one?

-We always use the same table.

-Nothing to put on it anyway, Tel.

Nothing? Nobody's found anything this week?

-We were telling everyone. We've lost Bishop's Farm.

-Who to?

The Essex Archaeological Society, Ministry of Defence,

the Antique Researchers, you name them.

We're the only people in the county that aren't allowed on the land.

-And where's Sophie?

-Gone to the other side.

-Dead?

-No, she has defected.

Or rather it turns out she was always on their side. She was a spy.

Bitch!

Well, I hope that teaches you not to make decision with your dicks!

You let her join.

-I wasn't talking about you, Louise. You haven't got a dick.

-Huh. Sexist.

You should see him in his Flamenco outfit. Oh!

Sexist, Sheila. Not sexy.

So, have you decided on a new president?

Sort of lost the enthusiasm really, Terry.

Sorry, Telly.

Well, that's it, then. The end of the Danebury Metal Detecting Club.

-Is this the metal detecting club?

-You're too late, mate.

We're not accepting any new members. In fact, we're disbanding the club.

But thank you for your interest.

Delivery for Lance Stater.

Oh, I ordered those fleeces, didn't I?

-What fleeces?

-As part of my bid to become Club President,

I ordered fleeces with the DMDC logo embroidered on them.

-Shall I bring the rest in, then?

-There's more?

Four more boxes.

Yeah, I had to get 150 to get the discount on them.

Hey, they're all right, these.

Camouflage! What else?

So, what are you going to do with them?

Erm...we could share them.

21 each?

No.

Come on. We can't disband this club. Not now we got fleeces.

I am withdrawing my resignation,

taking back the Presidency.

Let's breathe some new life into this club.

We'll have an open day, fundraiser,

recruitment drive.

We'll get new members, put them in club fleeces

and get out there

looking for the history that is buried underneath our feet.

What do you say?

I can't hear you!

-OK.

-Yeah, all right.

That's more like it.

Would you like us to lift you onto our shoulders now?

Oh, not with my leg, no.

Give him a week.

Becky, it's me.

I know you told me not to phone but I couldn't help it.

I need you back.

I can't turn on the telly.

That's not the reason.

I was saying that to be cute.

I'll learn how to turn on the telly.

I could probably work it out if I tried hard enough.

But I'm going to try really hard, not with the telly,

you know, I'm going to try harder with everything,

with us and everything.

I'm going to sell my detector and I know I already said that

I had sold it or I was going to, but I didn't get around to it,

but I'm going to sell it tomorrow or the next day definitely.

You can count on me. I'm going to change.

I really want this.

I want to have this...

chance to...

start again.

I'm going to pull my finger out and my socks up

and myself together and we can...

I need you, Becky.

I'm nothing without you.

I can't even turn on the telly.

Brilliant. That's sorted, then.

There they are.

Bastards.

Who?

Simon and Garfunkel detecting the spoil heap.

Damn it! Imagine what we're missing down there.

My gold was only a few inches under the surface.

What are you going to do with that?

-I was going to give it to Becky.

-Nice gesture.

It would be if she was talking to me.

She still not answering your calls?

-Can I tell you something private?

-Becky's pregnant.

-What?

-How did you know that?

-So you finally figured it out.

-Who told you?

-No-one told me. It was obvious.

How is it obvious?

Well, she hasn't been drinking and we all know Becky likes a drink.

You said she was sick every morning even though she hadn't had a drink

and she went to be on her own

when it looked like you were wavering your devotions to her.

All the signs were there, mate. How did you figure it out?

I found the box from a pregnancy test in the bathroom bin.

God, I'm an idiot!

Got to go and get her back.

Yeah, you're right.

Not right now, though.

Rozzers have arrived.

What are they doing?

Probably just routine, you know, police business.

Oh, they're giving Simon and Garfunkel their marching orders.

Yeah?

They're packing up. Homeward bound.

Oh. Bishop's down there.

Maybe we should go down there and see what's afoot.

You know, grab a sneaky sweep of the spoil heap?

Have you got your detector in the car?

Pope shit in the woods?

Banzai.

-Hello, Larry.

-Hello, there!

What do you think of all this, then? It's like the Battle of the Somme.

These trenches and mud and god knows what.

-What's happening?

-Quite exciting, really.

-First trench they put down, bones.

-Really?

-Really.

Right there. A grave. The history chaps say they're looking for

a Saxon - I think they may have found him straightaway.

There wouldn't be any bones left in a Saxon grave Larry.

Saxon bones would have rotted away a long time ago.

Why are the fuzz here?

Apparently, when bones are found, the boys in blue have to be involved

until it's confirmed that the remains are historical.

They're coming over now.

-Mr Bishop?

-Larry.

-Do you recognise this, sir?

Good God.

-That's Justine's wedding ring.

-Laurence Michael Bishop,

I'm arresting you on suspicion of murder.

You do not have to say anything but it may harm your defence

if you do not mention when questioned something you later rely on in court.

Anything you do say may be given in evidence. Do you understand?

Perfectly, thank you.

There's a turn up for the books. Wasn't expecting that. Were you?

Keep an eye out for the dog, will you, while I'm gone?