Episode 6 Detectorists

This programme contains some strong language

-Did you hear about old Jeff Mouzel?

-What about him?

-Dead.

-No. How?

-Fell off Beachy Head.

-Fell off?

-Yeah.

-Not jumped?

-No.

-Jeez, that's unlucky.

-I know.

-What was he doing there?

-Oh, he always used to go down there.

You know how people throw themselves off Beachy Head?

Well, a lot of people throw their wedding rings off when they're getting divorced.

Jeff, he used to detect on the rocks below the cliff.

Found hundreds of them there.

Anyway, he was on his way down and he was wearing this massive cagoule.

Acted like a sail, caught the wind, blew him off the edge.

Pity it didn't act like a parachute on the way down.

Well, apparently it did to a certain extent, but not enough to save him.

Certainly gave him enough time to contemplate his imminent demise.

Hang on. Something's happening.

So Terry was right.

Bishop didn't want us digging cos he buried his wife down there.

If that's the case, why did he let us anywhere on his farm?

-Yeah, they're removing the remains.

-Body bag?

Tupperware.

BEEPING

-It's still in there.

-It's rubbish, mate. Leave it.

It's showing the same reading as the gold I found. I'm not leaving it.

-So...you were saying you were round at Becky's mum's.

-Yeah.

Becky wasn't in. She'd gone out with some bloke from work.

-Becky's mum told you that?

-Yeah, told me with glee. She hates me.

-Well, what bloke?

-Gay Martin.

Right.

-He doesn't sound too much of a threat.

-Jeez, this is deep.

Whatever this is, it's been in there a long time.

So, anyway, I phoned, left a message, nothing.

I think I'm losing her. I think I might have already lost her.

Look, there, a glint of gold.

There. Look!

-I saw a glint of gold there. A coin.

-Where?

-This side of the hole, look.

-Fucking pound coin.

-No.

Fucking pound coin.

-What's that doing nearly two foot under the ground?

-How old is it?

-This year's.

-Are you kidding me?

It's brand new.

Right, that's it. I've had it.

What am I even doing? I found my gold.

-I don't need to be doing this any more.

-What do you mean?

-I'm done.

-What, detecting?

-Yeah. That was the last straw.

-Come on, mate.

-No. That's it for me.

Done.

Andy.

Andy!

What about me?

Hello, Lance. You all right?

What's going on?

See the sign?

-There's no apostrophe in bargains.

-Pardon?

Doesn't matter. What are you doing?

Closing down.

But I thought, you know, you asked if I could lend you the rent.

-I didn't say I wouldn't.

-Oh, it was obvious you didn't want to.

It's probably best we move to where Tony can get a better job

and make a new start.

But I was going to, you know, look into my finances

and I think I can probably help you out with some of it.

Well, I need all of it or nothing, really.

Some of it won't help.

-Well, maybe if I...

-Bloody hell, Maggie!

-Do you have to leave stuff everywhere?

-Nearly broke my neck.

All right, Lance? Come to lend a hand?

I'm sending the stock back to the warehouse.

I can get a 50% refund on some things.

And then I'm putting together gift boxes of assorted stuff.

-Sort of spiritual survival packs.

-That was my idea.

It was Tony's idea.

Dream catcher, pack of tarot, joss sticks, a few other bits of tat.

-It's not tat!

-Sorry, not tat, crap.

-Tony!

-She loves it.

No, I don't, you bastard.

-Oi.

-Ow.

-Want a cup of tea, Lance?

-Yeah, go on, then.

-Protein shake, please.

-Nothing for you.

It's not a done deal yet, mate.

Could still be a stay of execution.

Nothing's been signed. You could still save the shop.

Me?

Yeah. Come on, mate.

Help her out. You can afford it.

-What do you mean?

-You know.

Your windfall and all that. Your lottery win.

Maggie told me.

-How did she know?

-She told me ages ago.

She opened up a letter by mistake, didn't she?

We've always known. I thought you knew we knew.

I didn't know you knew.

Why do you think she's so keen to keep you hanging around?

Go on.

If you help us out, we won't have to move.

I'm not that keen to be going, if I'm honest,

and you get to see her whenever you want.

Or have you blown all your winnings on your collections?

Do you take sugar, Lance? I can't remember.

Hiya, mate.

If you get this, just wondering if you're coming down the club

for this open day thing.

You're not serious about giving up, are you?

Give us a call.

Cheers.

What time is it?

Quarter to four.

-Did you hand out the flyers, Russell?

-I told you I did.

-All of them?

-Yes, all of them.

-Louise, do you want to go and check outside?

-Not really, Terry.

I doubt if there's a queue of people wondering how they get in.

-Maybe we should open the door.

-That'll help.

-Does anyone want their face painted?

-I'm all right, thanks.

Hugh?

No, thank you, Sheila.

Russell?

Go on, Russell. Show willing.

-What can you do?

-I could make you into a black man.

-Black...?

-Not really appropriate, love.

A Chinese man?

Perhaps we should all get made up as clowns.

Come on, Russell. Let's stay positive.

Is this meant to be a fundraiser or a recruitment drive?

Well, both, really. Primarily a fundraiser.

Right. How much have we raised so far?

-All right. Don't be facetious.

-Mm.

Perhaps we should charge for the tea and coffee.

-Well, you've got a nerve showing up here.

-I know.

-I need to explain.

-I'm not sure we're interested.

-Look, I was used.

-Yeah, so were we.

I thought the Antique Researchers were the good guys.

They told me you were the treasure hunters, stealing their permissions.

They were just taking the information I was giving them and moving into your land.

Are you an idiot? You're not able to spot a wanker when you see one?

Oh, I'm quite capable of spotting a wanker when I see one, Lance.

-You calling me a wanker?

-All right, that's enough.

-Wanker.

-You wanker.

-Are you?

-No, you are.

That's enough!

Look, be that as it may, the damage has been done.

Well, maybe I can undo some of the damage.

-You've actually sold it?

-Yep.

Prove it.

There.

I thought we could go away somewhere crap.

You'll always hold it against me. Whenever we argue,

you'll bring it up and say I made you give up metal detecting.

Well, then, let's not argue.

Good idea.

Anyway, I won't. I'm done with detecting.

Look, I found this.

Wow.

-What are you going to do with it?

-It's yours. I want you to have it.

Thanks.

What am I going to do with it?

I thought we could have it melted down, made into a ring.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Are you asking me to...?

You don't need to do that.

OK, thanks.

Well?

Will you marry me?

We've split up.

OK, will you go out with me?

-Yeah, OK.

-And then will you marry me?

Yeah, OK.

I don't believe you've really given up detecting, though.

I have. I promise.

You'll keep going off for secret detecting trips with Lance.

-Like Brokeback Mountain.

-Oh, please!

-You'd be lost without your hobby.

-I'll get a new hobby.

-Like what?

-Golf.

-Right.

-Or fishing.

-Brilliant.

I've come to take you home, Becks. Please come home.

When you say you've come to take me home,

how have you come to take me home? You haven't got a car.

Yeah...all right if we take your car?

-And you can't drive.

-No.

All right if you drive?

You are so gallant.

Can I have a lift?

My hero.

Cheers.

-Have you seen Maggie?

-Yeah.

-Did you give her the money?

-No.

She didn't even remember if I take sugar in my tea.

Do you?

Course I do. It's bloody tea.

All right.

Oh, my God. It's Bishop.

-I thought he was banged up.

-Maybe he escaped.

Larry?

Oh, there you are.

Be careful, he might have a shooter on him.

-I've been looking for you chaps.

-Everything all right?

-Last time I saw you, you had handcuffs on.

-Bloody nightmare.

-Spent the night in the cells, can you believe it?

-What happened?

They thought I'd killed someone.

Found some bones, thought I'd killed my wife.

-My wife's in Braintree, for God's sake.

-Whose bones were they?

Dog bones. I mean, you'd think you'd check, wouldn't you,

before they started arresting people?

Which brings me to why I'm looking for you.

-My stupid mutts have disappeared off the face of the planet.

-Really?

Not a sign, hide nor hair.

I thought I asked you chaps to keep an eye on them.

Ah, well, they gave us the slip, Larry.

Yes, well, I'm not surprised. They're a bit of a handful.

Keep your eyes peeled, will you?

Oh, Larry!

-Everything all right with the farm?

-Oh, they've all cleared off.

-Who?

-All of them. Deserted.

The CID left when they realised there wasn't a murder,

forensic boys went with them, and then the history chaps,

the archaeologists, followed soon after.

So they didn't find anything?

No, not a sausage.

So we're free to come and detect on your land, then?

Well, you are. She's not.

-Why not?

-I thought you were with the bad chaps. The rogues.

Oh, no, that's all been sorted now, Larry.

-She's made amends, She's one of us now.

-Oh, right.

Oh, jolly good.

I didn't like them. Threw them off.

-Wise move.

-Mm. Didn't trust them.

They reminded me of... what do you call them?

Simon and Garfunkel.

Arseholes!

Anyway, come along and keep your eyes open

for those hounds, will you?

-Will do.

-Cheerio.

Bye.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hello, mate.

Why, where are you?

What is it?

All right. See you in a bit.

-Can we stop off at the brewers?

-Who's there?

-Lance.

-Here we go!

-And Sophie.

Super!

Lance has got something to tell me.

-And you've got something to tell him.

-What, about us?

No, that you've given up detecting.

Oh, yeah, we don't need to... Let's not mention that for the moment.

I have given up detecting but I think he's going to be upset

-so I want to break it to him gently.

-I wish I knew how to quit you.

Shut up.

Sophie has grassed up the Antique Researchers to the National Council

for scattering copper nails across our site.

The DMDC have been absorbing the disillusioned Antique Researchers

and we are now officially affiliated with both the museum

and the university.

The police have left Bishop's farm, the MoD have left Bishop's farm

and the archaeologists have left Bishop's farm.

Bishop has been released without charge.

The bones they found were dog's bones

and Bishop's invisible dogs have disappeared.

Sorry? His invisible dogs have disappeared?

Yep. Vanished.

Well, that is going to make them doubly hard to find.

-So...

-It's all back on.

-You mean we can...?

-Yeah.

Bishop's farm is finally ours and I suggest we start digging here.

I mean, imagine what they've brought up to the surface.

-Why were they digging in that field?

-Site of a previous excavation.

-Did they find anything?

-No.

On neither occasion.

Right. And you still think that's the right place?

Well, it's a good place to start.

On a site that's twice been searched but yielded nothing.

All right, geography degree, where should we be searching?

Well...

..if you're talking about a high status royal Saxon ship burial,

it would have been on the highest point of the landscape

with clear views of the sea, which is this point here.

But you can't see the sea from Bishop's farm.

You can't now. In Elizabethan times, pine woodlands were planted

which thrive in this naturally acidic soil.

But in the 6th and 7th centuries that soil would have meant hardly any native trees at all,

giving clear views all the way to Southy Creek in the east

and the River Crouch in the south.

Look, you can't see it now because a lot of this land has been built up

or forested, but clear away all these features

and look at the natural contours. There's a clear passage.

They would have sailed the ship up the river to this point here,

taken it out of the water, brought it up the valley

to this point...

here.

What?

No, I mean...

I see what you're saying.

Mm...it's interesting, certainly.

But I'm just worried that, erm...

Well, it's interesting.

So you think this field here?

Yeah, right there.

-Is this still Bishop's land?

-Yeah. Here.

-Well, we should get right down there.

-Soon as.

-Be there in an hour.

-Yeah.

-I'll give you a lift.

-Cheers.

We'll take the stuff.

This has got to be a first. Woman reads map.

One more time, Becks, and then I'll give up.

It's your fault. You shouldn't have pointed it out.

It's no skin off my nose. You were adamant you had given up detecting.

It's the last time, I promise. We're going find something this time.

-You're going to find it more difficult than you think.

-Why?

-You've sold your detector.

-Bollocks.

What the fuck is that?

Yeah, I know.

No, seriously, what the fuck is that?

Does that say Power Rangers?

-The stickers will peel off.

-No, leave them. I think they're cool.

-I sold my detector. It's a downgrade.

-Downgrade?

Better off with a paper plate on the end of a stick.

What sort of penetration is that going to give?

It's only going to pick up things that are on the surface.

You're better off blindfolding yourself, make it more exciting.

-Luckily, I've brought a spare.

-Thank God.

Yeah, not for you, Green Power Ranger. You've made your own bed.

For you, Becky.

Oh, right. Cheers.

Andy will walk you through the features.

It's a simple enough machine. Not as simple as his divining rod!

Here. See if it works.

"It's morphing time!"

-Got your headphones?

-Doesn't have a jack.

-Volume?

-No. Just on or off.

Right, well, you're going to be detecting

right at the far end of that field.

Who's this?

Looks like Simon and Garfunkel.

Welly, welly, well, well, well. What do we have here?

Piss off, Phil.

Hello. What's this? A new detector?

It's all I need.

It's the Fisher Price My First Metal Detector.

Sweet.

Funny.

Why are you here, Phil?

I just came down to tell you, this isn't over.

-Not by a long shot.

-ALL:

-Shut up, Paul.

This site is too important to be bungled by a bunch of amateurs.

-Bungled?

-Yeah, bungled.

-Because that's all you're capable of doing.

-Bungling.

Yes, you idiot.

And when the NCMD find out what a slipshod operation you're running,

we will be reinstated.

Oi! Get off my land! I thought I told you two to stay away!

This pathway is a public right of way.

I don't want you on it.

We have a civil right to be on this land. There's nothing you can do.

I'll set the dogs on you.

-What dogs?

-Come on, girls! Come on. Let's be having you!

Come on, after them!

Come on, girlies! Come on, girls! Come on.

-DOGS BARK

-Let's be having you.

Go on, after them! After them!

Go on, that's it. Good girls.

Good girl. Come here.

Good girls. Lovely girl. Well done.

Public right of way, my arse.

I'll say who can come on to my farm or not.

-Thanks, Mr Bishop.

-Larry.

-So you found the dogs, then?

-No, these are new ones.

Ex forensic sniffer dogs. Probably give me no end of trouble.

-Oh, well, they're lovely, Larry.

-Aren't they lovely?

Idiot animals.

Well, if you're happy, I'll be off.

-Let me know if you find any treasure, won't you?

-Will do.

Come on, girlies. Come on, let's be having you.

Jolly good. Good girls.

Come on, keep up. Come on, stop sniffing over there.

-See you soon.

-Bye.

Jolly good.

Well, we'll start off in that corner over there.

"It's morphing time!"

Good luck!

We could swap if you like. This one might be simpler to understand.

No, thanks. I'm all right with this one.

-Sure?

-Yep.

I want to hang on to that one, though.

-Yeah?

-Yep.

-Why is that, then?

-Someone might need it.

Really?

Yep.

-You know, don't you?

-Yeah.

-How do you know?

-Lance told me.

No, I figured it out for myself but Lance confirmed it.

Are you pleased?

Yeah.

I found my gold.

Why do you want to give up?

I don't, but, you know.

No, I don't know.

Becky can't even begin to comprehend this.

Well, why do you want her to?

Because it's important to me. I want her to understand it.

Well, she does understand that it's important to you.

That's enough, isn't it? You don't need her to get into it.

It's a hobby, that's all.

Men have hobbies and women don't understand them, that's the way it's always been.

I mean, how many female train spotters are there?

How many women commit to an afternoon

reorganising their vinyl in alphabetical order?

You don't want to spend an evening with a beautiful woman

just comparing comic book collections, do you?

What you want is your partner to...

shake her head, roll her eyes and look at you

and say...

"You and your hobbies!

"I'll never understand men."

BEEPING

I had a friend once.

He had a cactus.

Same cactus sitting on his windowsill for 15 years.

And then one day, someone gave him a second cactus.

And within six months...

..he had to move to a bigger house

with enough space for his cactus collection.

Now, a woman, she could have...

two, three cacti,

and she'd say...

.."Yes, that's probably enough cacti for me."

-What have you got?

-Ring-pull.

'86...

shandy bass.

Pub?

Go on, then.

There's always tomorrow.

# Will you search through the lonely earth for me

# Climb through the briar brambles

# I'll be your treasure

# I felt the touch of the kings and the breath of the wind

# I need the call of all the songbirds

# They sang all the wrong words

# I'm waiting for you

# I'm waiting for you

# Mmm-mmm-mmm

# Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm

# Mmm-mmm-mmm

# Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm... #

My mate Paul, he collected collections.

Wrote a memoir - Recollections of a Collection Collector.

As far as I know, it's still unpublished.

# Will you swim through the brine and sea for me

# Roll along the ocean's floor

# I'll be your treasure

# And with the ghost of the men who can never sing again

# There's a place, follow me, where a love lost at sea

# Is waiting for you

# Is waiting for you. #