Episode 1 Detectorists

This programme contains some strong language.

HORSE NEIGHS

DISTANT CHURCH BELL RINGS

THUNDER CRASHES

HORSE NEIGHS

HEAVY BREATHING

RIDER URGES HORSE ON

BIRDS SING

Nah...it's not happening.

Want to try further up there?

Go on, then.

MUSIC: Detectorists by Johnny Flynn

# Will you search the lonely earth for me?

# Climb through the briar and bramble

# I'll be your treasure

# I felt the touch of the kings and the breath of the wind

# I knew the call of all the song birds

# They sang all the wrong words

# I'm waiting for you

# I'm waiting for you

# Mmm-mmm

# Mmm-mmm

# Mmm-mmm... #

-You see University Challenge?

-Yeah.

You see that way that idiot celebrated

when he got his starter for ten?

I know. Idiot.

What a helmet. Have some dignity.

Waving your arms around...

I hate the ones that have a sip of water

and frown like it was no big deal.

-LANCE LAUGHS

-Yeah.

They're knobs as well.

What you want is a...humble smile and a nod to your team mates,

as if to say, "I know you guys knew that one too."

That's it. Spot on.

METAL DETECTOR BEEPS

What have you got?

A bit off a trestle table.

-You?

-Tufty Club badge.

-You know why, don't you?

-Why?

Car-boot sales.

Used to have them here every weekend, a few years back.

I found £13.76 in loose change.

ANDY SCOFFS

This isn't metal detecting, this is scavenging on landfill.

BABY CRIES

Lunch time.

What did you do last night?

Ah...stayed in and had a French.

French?

-Yeah.

-What's that?

A French takeaway.

That new restaurant in the high street does takeaway.

BABY CRIES

What did you have?

Ah...onion soup, escargot, boeuf bourguignon.

Why don't you cook any more?

Can't be bothered.

I used to enjoy your curries.

You were the only one who did.

What do you think about internet dating?

I think you're already married, mate, to Becky.

Not for me, for you.

-Shut up.

-HE LAUGHS

What? What's so ridiculous about that?

-Loads of people do it these days.

-Shut up!

What is this, an intervention?

Ah. I'm quite happy as I am, thank you.

Here...

Who's that down by that camper van?

Dunno.

Not from round here, though.

Come on, then! HE GRUNTS

There.

Can I feed him?

-You want to?

-Yeah, go on, then.

-There we go...

-Hello, Stanley!

-Support his head.

-Yeah, I know.

-Support his head.

-I am. I am.

Hello, Stanley.

Check it's not too hot by putting a bit on your...

It's good.

Here we go.

What?

That's...

That milk you...

What?

Nothing.

RACHAEL LAUGHS

-God!

-SHE LAUGHS

Why didn't you say anything?!

I decided to spare him.

RACHAEL LAUGHS

I'll never be able to look him in the eye again!

Bless Lance.

Is he all right? I worry about him.

It's hard to tell, but he hasn't invited me round

to his flat for a curry in months

and I spotted some rust on his car.

-Is that significant?

-Hugely.

Does he ever talk about Maggie?

Occasionally. I don't think they've been in touch since she left.

Aw...did you have a nice day?

Did you go metal detecting with Daddy and Uncle Lance?

Aw...

-Did you find anything good?

-Nah.

-Nah...

-STANLEY LAUGHS

They never find anything!

I heard that.

-RACHAEL LAUGHS

-Oops!

Mum wants to take Stan for the day tomorrow.

Oh, great(!)

You could... Call the agency and see if they've got any work.

Yep... I'll do that first thing.

Do you think your mum will stick to the routines with the feeding times and naps and all that?

Oh...doubt it!

It doesn't matter for one day, does it?

Will she have a go at me for not having a job?

Mmm...probably.

She hates the fact that you had to go back to work

and I'm at home with Stan.

She thinks it's degrading for a man.

Oh, who cares what she thinks?

We didn't have a choice.

I know.

SHE GROANS

It won't be long now.

-You'll get a job soon.

-Yep.

I thought I'd pass my exams and magically become an archaeologist.

It didn't occur to me that no-one would give me a job.

Poor Daddy.

You know we love you, don't you?

Yep. Although...

What?

-Smells like at least one of you has done a poo in your pants.

-Really?

-Bad luck.

-SHE LAUGHS

That's not fair, you knew!

-SHE LAUGHS

-I didn't smell anything.

Bullshit. It's making my eyes water.

Lovely to see the finds table with such a...nice scattering

of quality finds here.

Good range of buttons and buckles,

and...half a dozen Civil War era musket balls.

Now, I know I've said this before,

but although they are common,

I find musket balls to be irresistible nuggets of history...

..albeit toxic history and all lead items in your collection should be

stored safely and responsibly, and out of the reach of children.

Whose is the Roman phallus?

Oh, that's mine.

GERARD LAUGHS

-Something funny about that?

-No.

Right.

Andy, Lance?

Anything from you on the finds table this week?

Ah...not this week, Terry, no.

Tufty Club badge.

Now...the annual club rally is fast approaching

and we still do not have a site to hold it on.

Does nobody have a permission that we can use?

Well, if the worst comes to the worst, we've been given permission to detect

on an old Edwardian rubbish dump...out by Morden.

An Edwardian rubbish dump? That's still rubbish, mate.

It's disgusting.

How long does something have to be in the ground before it becomes archaeology then,

Mrs Ancient History?

Well, at least 100 years, surely.

I'm with Sophie. The clue's in the name - rubbish dump.

Nonsense. The Edwardians threw some fascinating stuff away.

They didn't throw away gold, though, did they?

It's not all about gold, Sophie.

Nobody's going to want to come to a rally where you're absolutely

guaranteed not to find any gold.

-She's right, Terry. It's just going to be broken glass and china.

-Well...

Until somebody comes up with something else, it's the best we've got.

Now, Russell, Hugh,

how is your lost wedding ring recovery service doing?

Yeah, not bad, Terry. One call out this week.

Old biddy, lost engagement ring.

-But I'm not going to waste my time telling you...

-Oh...

..when you can read all about it in the Essex Chronicle!

Two copies. One for the scrap book, one for the notice board.

-APPLAUSE Well done!

-Woo!

And we were... Sit down!

And we were wondering whether we can get a vehicle.

-Pardon, a vehicle?

-That's right.

What's wrong with the bus?

Well, we just think if we had a DMDC vehicle, it would

present a more, you know, professional image.

What kind of a vehicle?

Like the Ghostbusters.

We weren't going to say that.

No, not like the Ghostbusters, but something with a logo on the side.

The Ghostbusters logo.

No, the DMDC logo.

Look...

I'm not denying that this club is in a far healthier state than it

was this time last year, Russell,

but I do not think the DMDC coffers are going to stretch to a Cadillac.

Speaking of which, Sheila's come up with a...

novel fund raising idea that I said she could run up the flagpole,

see if anyone salutes it.

-Sheila? Love?

-Yes.

I thought we could do...

a naked calendar.

-Absolutely not.

-No. No way.

EVERYONE TALKING TOGETHER

Terry could take photos of you all out metal-detecting

with your finds pouches covering your privates.

Sheila, shut the fuck up! You're not hearing me.

EVERYONE TALKING TOGETHER

-Certainly not doing it...

-Gerry...keep them covered!

THEY CONTINUE TO ARGUE

Now, come on, come on. Don't just dismiss it.

I mean...we've got nearly enough members for each month of the year.

Well, perhaps some of you could double up. Lance, Andy...

Well...

Russell, Hugh, you could do one together perhaps.

Jesus Christ.

Well, you know, it could be a good money-spinner.

Really, Terry?

Who on earth is going to want to buy a naked DMDC calendar?

I would.

Well, you know, these things go viral, don't they?

I mean, you go on the local news,

then suddenly you're sending them all over the world.

Oh, that's how it works is it?

Then they write a musical about you.

I don't want a musical written about me.

Let's have a show of hands.

Who thinks it's a good idea to do a naked calendar?

-It's not enough, darling.

-Never mind.

So, it's agreed then, we won't be making a calendar.

I'd like to go further.

I'd like us to vow never to take our clothes off in front of each other.

Yeah, I'm with him. ALL TALKING TOGETHER

Hello. Are you the metal detectors?

Detectorists. Yes.

Welcome to the Dainbury Metal Detecting Club.

What can we do you for?

I'm looking for the wreckage or crash site of a plane,

a German plane that came down somewhere around here in 1941.

I like it already.

What type of plane?

My grandfather was one of the crew members

and my grandmother was pregnant with my dad at the time,

and she got a telegram with just the words, "Missing, believed killed."

-Oh, dear.

-That's very sad.

What type of plane?

Junkers JU88. It crashed on the way back to France.

The only clue I could turn up

mentioned the village of...Henburystone.

Oh, that's where Andy and Lance detect, isn't it?

Henburystone? The round tower church?

Over that way, yeah.

Are you chaps no longer on Bishops Farm?

No, we searched out all the fields there.

Nothing there after all.

This new place never turned up anything that

-looked like plane wreckage, though.

-No.

You need to go through newspapers from the time at the library,

see if you can find some photos of the crash site.

-I can help, it sounds interesting.

-LANCE LAUGHS

What?

Well, isn't this the girl who was saying that Edwardian is still rubbish?

And your point is?

Well, by your reckoning, a World War II bomber is merely litter.

Shut up, Lance.

There are aerial photographs online that show bomb craters.

Well, it might show up in one of those.

I can meet you at the library if you like.

-See what we can find out.

-Excellent.

There you are then. Crack team on the case.

I think you'll find we're a pretty trustworthy bunch on the whole,

despite our quirks and foibles.

Quirks and...?

Foibles.

I don't know either of these.

Peculiar behavioural habits.

Oh.

Nothing serious, nothing sinister.

-You've not joined a cult.

-THEY LAUGH

LAUGHTER PETERS OUT NERVOUSLY

So, hands up who thinks Lance should join an internet dating agency.

Here we go. I'm not joining an internet dating agency.

It's not a subject for public conversation.

I think it's a lovely idea, Lance.

You could meet somebody really nice.

Yeah. That's what I've been telling him.

There's all different niche websites these days

catering for all different tastes.

Are you insinuating I've got strange tastes, Russell?

Not you, other people.

Look, I don't want a relationship.

I'm actually going through a period of voluntary chastity.

ANDY COUGHS

Sorry.

# You're the sun, you're the moon

# You're the light

# In the room

# You are my new age girl. #

PHONE VIBRATES

Hello?

Oh...

If it's about the fish tank, I sold it this morning.

It's who?

Kate?

Yeah, it's... This is Lance. It's Lance...

Yeah.

Yes, I did, yeah.

I hadn't got round to replying yet.

-I'm not very good with the e-mail.

-HE LAUGHS

Yeah.

Yeah, well, thank you.

Me too.

Well, yeah, we should meet.

I'm not very good on the phone.

Er...

no.

How about for a coffee?

Tuesday sounds good.

Yeah.

OK, well, I'll look forward to...

..it.

OK.

Bye.

As long as he doesn't have too long a nap in the morning,

that's all I'm asking.

She needs to wake him up after an hour,

otherwise everything goes out of sync and we're back to square one.

All right, Gina Ford, chill out.

It's not Gina Ford actually. It's my own unique blend of teachings

and I'm thinking of publishing it.

That will be a gripping read.

Do you think she sterilises everything properly bec...? Hello?

Really, nothing at all? Not even catering work?

It's been three weeks now.

OK, thanks.

Nothing? Really?

I haven't got any skills apparently.

I'll do some job searching while Stan's at your mum's today.

-Do you mind if I go out after work with gay Martin?

-Sure.

-He did some volunteer teaching last year with the VSO.

-Oh, yeah?

-He did six months in Colombia - it sounded amazing.

-Cool.

Well, it sounds like what we used to talk about, about going to Africa.

What, you're not thinking we can do it?

Well, it'd be better than waiting around for dead-end catering jobs,

wouldn't it?

-Yeah, but not now.

-Why not?

Well, because we've got Stan now, he's just a baby.

Well, I'd still like to hear about it.

Well, yes, you should. It'd be interesting.

So, you don't mind if I'm a bit late?

Not if you're only with gay Martin.

Oh, he's not gay.

-Isn't he?

-No! It's an ironic nickname

because he's the least homosexual man you can possibly imagine.

He's gorgeous and Spanish. All the women fancy him.

Is he? Do they?

I don't.

No, of course.

But, yeah...

That's who I'm going out with.

Right. Good.

HE RINGS DOORBELL

Stanley!

It's Nana!

Yeah!

-Hello, Veronica.

-Andy.

-How are you?

-Well, thank you.

Working?

Er... Not really. Still looking for a proper job.

Proper job, yeah. That's probably a good idea.

And...what are you up to today whilst my daughter works

and I look after Stanley?

Metal-detecting. CLEARS THROAT

-I beg your pardon?

-Metal-detecting.

Very useful.

Who's that?

That's my friend, Lance.

What a silly car.

-You ready to rumble?

-Hmm.

I've written a list with feeding times on it and...

I don't need a list, I've raised three of my own.

I know, but I'm trying to stick to a routine.

We can work out our own routine, thank you. We're quite capable.

-It's just that quite a lot of work has gone into this...

-Run along now and go and...

-SHE SIGHS

-..find some metal.

-Do you want to keep hold of this, just in case?

-No, thank you.

All right, well, I'll just leave it there. And I've got my mobile,

-Becky's got hers and I've put my friend Lance's number down.

-Bye-bye.

His next feed is at 9:30...

Silly? What way silly?

A clown car is silly.

A Triumph TR7 is a classic.

It's just if he gets out of sync, then all of that work's

out of the window. He'll be up all night again.

Relax, mate. It'll be fine.

Stupid old trout.

Ah! Damn it, we've got to go back.

Why? What is it?

It's Clothy, he needs it.

Becky's mum will have a piece of old flannel.

This isn't a piece of old flannel, this is Clothy.

He can do without Clothy for one day. He's three months old.

Got to start toughening up.

Turns out he's not even gay.

It's an ironic nickname because he's so heterosexual.

Shit.

-Yeah. Gorgeous...Spanish.

-Yeah?

I'm not worried.

Doesn't sound like it.

But, yeah, I've got to get a job soon. It's ridiculous.

43 years old and I can't even provide for my family.

Are there any jobs going at the depot?

Only if you can drive a fork lift.

I can't even drive a car.

No, then.

What have you got?

It's a Blankety Blank cheque book and pen.

Really?

With the pen?

-Oh, no, actually... It's just the cheque book.

-Oh, well.

You see? Car-boot sales.

What's the name on it?

Les Dawson.

-Pity. They're the most common.

-Eh?

Dawson did 123 episodes including Christmas specials.

Wogan did 95.

Surprisingly, the scarce ones are the Lily Savage ones -

she only did 59 eps.

All right, Rain Man. How do you know this stuff?

Lecture at this year's TV Nostalgia convention.

You still go to those?

Nah, not after the last one. Shambles.

Yeah. Nostalgia conventions aren't what they used to be.

Lee Majors is going to be at the next one.

The Six Million Dollar Man?

Apparently, he's only worth 100 grand now.

-That's why he...

-BOTH: ..does the conventions.