Episode 2 Detectorists

This programme contains some strong language.

Did you hear about old Bob Cromer?

-What about him?

-Exhumed, mate.

-What?

-Grave robbed.

By who?!

Nobody knows. Night hawks.

Rumour has it he was buried with some of his best finds.

James I guinea, medieval posy ring, that Viking torc.

They came in the night and dug him up.

Unbelievable.

-The things some people'll do for gold.

-Yeah.

Poor old Bob.

Bet he never thought he'd end up on that end of a detector.

# Will you search through the lonely earth for me?

# Climb through the briar and bramble

# I'll be your treasure

# I'm waiting for you

# I'm waiting for you... #

BIRDSONG

No...

The idea of what is considered beautiful

changes through time.

Like...

Well, back in the Tudor period,

you might've been considered really attractive.

You know, scrawny, a bit of beard and the hair.

Stick a ruff around your neck,

you could've been one of Lizzie I's favourites.

Right, and how far back in time would you have to go

before YOU were considered attractive?

Oh, no, no, no, I...

My time is right around the corner.

Within the next couple of years, I reckon.

METAL DETECTOR BEEPS

I'm going to call it a day and head into town.

I said I'd drop by the library.

Sophie's meeting Peter to research that plane crash.

I can't get into it.

It's not old enough.

If it hasn't been forgotten, I'm not interested.

-I'm on a different quest.

-Oh, yeah. What's that, then?

Oh, I dunno.

My heart has followed all my days something I cannot name.

Blimey.

Yeah, I won't be able to rest until I've danced the gold dance.

You're not coming, then?

-No, got plans.

-Oh, yeah, what you doin'?

Um? Oh, er, I gotta pop into Screwfix.

What you got?

Boat.

-What, a boat?

-Hmm?

No, B-O-A-T - Bit Off A Tractor.

HE SNORTS

What, haven't you heard that one?

Course I haven't. You just made it up.

Oh, it's an old one, that is, like POACH.

Go on.

Part Of A Combine Harvester?

Bullshit.

-Hi.

-Hello.

-How are you?

-Good.

Um, listen, thank you for helping me out with this.

It's all right.

-I'm a sucker for a bit of research.

-You're a what?

-Doesn't matter.

-THEY LAUGH

-Are any of the others coming down?

-I don't think so.

-That's good.

-Yeah?

-Yeah, they were all so enthusiastic, especially the main guy.

-Terry.

-I'm worried they'll be disappointed.

-How come?

Well, even if we find the crash site,

-I don't think there'll be much left of the plane.

-Oh.

We're used to not finding very much at the DMDC, that's what we do best.

HE LAUGHS

MUSIC POUNDS INSIDE

DAVID ESSEX: # Flying high

# I've got a lot of love inside

# Is there love enough now to get me through?

# Yeah, I know now where I'm going to

# Not to lose now, but to win

# Tell me, how do I begin?

# I've a dream

# Silver dream machine... #

Me?

I'm in fruit and veg.

I'm in fruit and vegetables.

Did you know...90% of onions are consumed in their country of origin?

Hmm.

There's hardly any international trade in onions.

What, this old thing?

HE LAUGHS

Oh, thank you. Well, I've had it for years.

Do I drive?

Well, you, er...

You might have seen that yellow car parked up outside? The, er...?

Yes.

TR7.

Do you know about them?

Well, I've, er, I've actually done quite a lot of work on her.

Re-sprayed her Aztec Yellow,

whereas the original would've been...

That's right.

..Mimosa Yellow.

And you, er...?

Do you have a car?

Really?

What, the one in, er...

Back To The Future?

I've given myself a year off.

I was fed up with my job, so I jacked it in

and I'm travelling for a year.

I wrote a list of things I want to achieve in this year

and one of those things was to find my grandfather's resting place

-and lay a wreath.

-That's really nice.

I've been wanting to for a long time.

This year is the year for getting things done.

So what else is on your list? Don't say bungee jumping.

-Catch a big fish.

-OK.

Fall in love.

-Wait, isn't that on everybody's list all of the time?

-Is it?

I don't know. Wasn't on mine for a long time.

But I'm ready now.

I'm going to make a concerted effort.

Right, yeah, cos that's usually how it happens(!)

-Yeah?

-Yeah, sure! I mean, you decide to fall in love,

you try really hard and then you fall in love(!)

-You're being sarcastic.

-Yeah!

-Well done, very clever.

-Thank you!

HE LAUGHS

So what qualities are you looking for in your new love?

-Sarcasm.

-Hmm!

As discussed, the summer fair is going to be Dickens-themed

and I'd like all attending staff in Victorian dress, if you would.

Um, this costume hire company has a nice range.

Expensive, but worth it.

As I'm sure you're all aware, last year,

Oakfield Lane Primary School raised £5,000 at their annual fete

and I'm determined we're going to beat that.

Um...could I ask you all

not to double park outside the front of the school?

Mr Dale had to get to Asda yesterday and he couldn't get out.

Well, where are we supposed to go, then?!

I'm having to park further and further away and walk the rest.

You only live a mile away, Janet.

Exactly!

It's hardly worth me driving in at all.

We need to sort out some more parking spaces.

Hi.

Hey, Lance.

-It's Andy.

-Oh, yeah, Lance is the other guy.

-Funny little guy.

-Funny little guy?

-Yeah, you know.

HE LAUGHS Hmm.

-How's it going?

-Good, good.

We found a newspaper article and Sophie's gone to get coffee.

-Oh, great. Can I see?

-Yeah.

This is from the morning after the crash, there's no photo

and they just said it was near Henbury - nothing more specific.

But it does say that the plane came straight down nose-first

and pretty much buried itself in the ground.

-And does it mention the crew?

-Um...

No, I don't think so.

Right, well, I found a list of their names online.

It doesn't say what happened to them, but it does say

that they're all accounted for, which I don't understand.

-Which was your grandfather?

-Let me see.

Yeah, here - Reinfrit Schneider.

Forward gunner.

Right.

Here's Sophie.

Andy! I thought you said you might not be able to make it?

Yeah, but I managed to.

Great.

Can I...?

Yeah, yeah.

So...

Peter showed me the article.

Yeah. I'm hopin' other papers might have photographs of the crash site,

-so we should carry on looking.

-Yeah.

-It's quite a lot to go through, actually.

-Right.

Shall we just crack on with that, then, or did you want to...?

Oh, no, yeah, I'll... I'll let you crack on with that.

I've got some shopping to do, so....

-See you later.

-Yep, see ya.

-Cheers.

-Cheers, Lance.

It's Andy.

Andy.

The residents of Whitehall Lodge are complaining that the parents

are parking their cars in the residents-only parking bays.

We must make sure that the parents know they're not allowed to do that.

Similarly, parents are parking on the yellow zigzag lines

in front of the school and we must make sure they know

they can't do that, even if they're just dropping off.

SHE SIGHS: Er, any other business?

-Frances?

-Are we allowed to park on Meadow View Road?

It's just it doesn't say anywhere it's residents-only.

But they're claiming the same parking restrictions stretch around

from Church Road, even though there aren't any, um...signs.

-JANET:

-Well, if there aren't any signs,

-it means there aren't any parking restrictions!

-Right.

-So can I park there?

-No!

Becky?

Sorry, I have to go.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hey.

I've just walked out of a stupid staff meeting!

Cos they're all a bunch of small-minded idiots, who can only

talk about how bloody difficult it is to park their fucking cars!

Bloody hell, you sound furious. Are you all right?

Hang on, hang on a second, Becks.

-SHE SIGHS:

-It made me realise, Andy, I really need to get out of here.

I want to talk to you some more about this VSO thing.

'I think we should do it, the three of us.

'You should hear Martin talking about it - it sounds wonderful.'

'Andy?

'Andy?'

Sorry, I got distracted. I'll see you at home.

SHE SIGHS DEEPLY

MEXICAN MUSIC PLAYS, SOFT CHATTER

MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES

-Er, I'd better take this.

-Mm-hmm.

Hello?

All right, it's me. Where are you?

Oh...

I told you - Screwfix.

Oh, yeah. I forgot.

Have they got a mariachi band playing?

-MEXICAN MUSIC CONTINUES

-Oh, yeah, I know...

They're having a Mexican afternoon.

Er, no, I just...

I forgot to ask whether you're going to the club.

All right.

I'll see you there.

Oh, can you get me some masonry nails?

Galvanised.

Yeah, OK. Mmm.

I better go - they're bringing out the pinata.

Adios.

Hello?

I'm in here.

All right, sweary!

Was I swearing a lot?

Yeah, an unnecessary amount, I'd say.

Oh, God! I was just about to break!

I'd had all that I could take of their petty parking problems

and their fete, for goodness' sake!

Are you rapping?

No, I think it was just a fluke.

Say something else.

I want a change, Andy!

I want to get out of that school

and try something else, go somewhere else.

-No, none of that really rhymed.

-I wasn't trying to rhyme.

Oh, sorry, what were you saying?

-Doesn't matter.

-BABY FUSSES

They can't fire you, can they, for storming out of a staff meeting?

I didn't storm, I just left.

We'd really be up shit creek if you lost your job.

-I want to show you this.

-Don't hand in your notice just yet.

Oh, you'll never guess what I saw.

Looks like Lance has taken our advice to try internet dating.

I saw him holding hands with a girl,

when he said he was going to the DIY shop.

Yeah, nobody we know?

-No, really young, much younger than him.

-How young?

Twenties.

They were in a cafe. He didn't see me.

And they were...holding hands?

Well, yeah, touching hands, flirting.

He was adamant he wasn't going to try it,

but I don't know how else he could've met her so fast.

Why don't you just ask him?

Nah, he can tell me when he's ready.

What's that? What's that?

That's a denarius.

Can you say "silver denarius of Marcus Aurelius"?

Nah.

Here it is. It seems it came down so straight and so fast

that the hole sort of filled itself in afterwards.

Always fill in your holes.

Bad taste, Russell.

It was so deep, they just left it.

It looks like it's never been disturbed.

And look - this tower.

Yeah, that's St Giles.

I can see this tower from where I park my camper.

Well, that's where we should start.

Can you tell where this photo was taken from?

It's hard to tell.

Yeah, you can only see the top of the church.

We should get down there and have a look.

Listen, Terry, um... if we find the site,

I'll need to apply for a licence of Ministry of Defence to dig it.

I was wondering if the DMDC could do that on my behalf?

It might look better coming from a club.

No problem at all, mate.

And here's an idea.

What if, when we locate the wreckage,

we have the annual rally on the site, eh?

Get everyone down, more the merrier, barbecue - make a day of it!

-Can I keep some of the wreckage?

-Well, I don't know about that, Hugh.

I'll bring a wheelbarrow.

Hang on a second, guys, this is not what I had in mind, um...

I want to find the site, pay my respects,

-I don't necessarily want lots of people there.

-We'll cordon it off.

DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN

Hello?

Mr Mayor?

Er, could I have a word, Terry?

Certainly, Mr Mayor.

Well, this is an honour, sir.

How may I be of assistance?

Er...

After a bit of a favour, actually, from you metal detectors.

Detectorists.

-Beg your pardon?

-Doesn't matter.

-Ah. Um, damnedest thing -

I...seem to have mislaid my ceremonial chain of office

and I thought maybe you could find it for me.

Absolutely, no problem at all, sir. I'll get a team on it straight away.

-Russell?

-No, no, no, no need to. Silly to involve him...

Russell runs our new jewellery retrieval service.

-The mayor here has lost his chain of office.

-His what?

It's a ceremonial chain. You know, it shouldn't be

too difficult to find - big chunky thing.

-I'll get Hugh.

-No, no, no, no need to...

-Hugh!

The mayor's lost his necklace.

Hugh runs the jewellery retrieval service with Russell.

They've had a lot of success.

-Had quite a few stories in the local paper, you may have seen them.

-No.

-I have a scrapbook, if you want to see it?

-No.

-Oh.

-Thank you.

I don't want to make a big fuss. Silly to involve too many people.

So where did you say you lost it?

Ah, somewhere in the long grass, or in the bushes,

up near the car park by Barnfather Woods.

The car park near Barnfather Woods?

Yes, you know, the one up...up...there.

The place where all the cars go after dark?

I have no idea what happens there after dark.

I was, er, walking my dog and, er, it got caught on a branch and, er,

pinged off into the undergrowth.

Right, well, we'd better get up there, then.

-In the bushes, on the left-hand side of the car park.

-OK.

-Yeah.

As soon as you can.

Um, if we do manage to find it...

-Yes?

-All right to call the local papers down?

-Take a photo?

-For the scrapbook.

No. No.

You see, because, um... Cos that wouldn't do at all.

I...I was going to make an anonymous donation to the club if you found it

and I don't like to boast about my charity work,

so any publicity might prevent me from making such...a donation.

Do you see?

Yes, I think so.

Fantastic.

There we are.

BIRDSONG

You ever thought about what kind of dance you'd do if you found gold?

Oh, no. It's bad luck to practise beforehand.

It has to be spontaneous.

Yep.

Yeah, I've...I've no idea what'll come out on the day,

-but I imagine it'll be exuberant.

-Not too exuberant, though.

-Remember what happened to Derek Hoof.

-Oh, yeah.

-Dislocated a hip.

-It wasn't even gold in the end, was it?

-Milk bottle top.

-Embarrassing.

-Hi.

-Mornin'.

-Wotcha.

-All right?

Ooh!

Ooh, so...this is it?

The famous metal detector?

It's the CTX, yeah.

She's one of the first in the country.

I've souped her up a bit. Fitted her with a larger coil.

-I might give her another coat of wax midway through the season.

-Oh.

How does it work?

-What's the on button?

-Well, no, I don't really like to switch her on

so close to the car, overhead power cables.

-It might overload...

-Look at me!

-BEEPING

-I'm going to find some treasure.

-You won't find anything here!

-You haven't got it on the right... No!

-Hey!

-You haven't got it on...

It made some noise, guys, I found something.

It's on the wrong setting. It'll be a drinks can, so close to the road!

-It's just going to be modern litter.

-Give me a spade. This is great!

-Come on, you don't want to dig it up now.

-What's the reading?

-BEEPING

-35, is that good?

-No, it's iffy, you know, it doesn't mean anything.

-35?

-Give me the spade.

-Well...

Well, dig it up, if you like, but you're wasting your time.

-I tell you what, maybe we should...

-No way, man, this is my treasure.

Coke can.

-Told you, didn't I?

-Yeah, you did.

-I said it was a drinks can, didn't I?

-Unbelievable.

And you didn't listen.

-Unbelievable.

-Ridiculous.

-It's always the virgins.

-Yeah.

-It's always the same.

Ones who go out on a first time think they know best.

-Would he listen?

-What was it? A drinks can!

-It was only ever going to be junk.

-Ha!

Is it true what Sophie's told me -

-that Terry got blown up by a bomb last year?

-Afraid so.

-Threw him 40 foot in the air, he reckons.

-I'd have never believed

the world of metal detecting was so full of danger and peril.

-Believe it, baby.

-Extreme sport.

-Fast and furious.

Speaking of which, hold on to your hats, ladies and gents,

there's a Saxon round tower and church.

Boom.

Not much to go on.

We can walk in a big circle around it and look out for features.

Yeah, all right.

Call if you find anything.

Oh...OK.

Well, this is our permission anyway, so wanna do a couple of hours?

-Go on, then.

-See you in a bit.

I thought you were going to pass out

when he grabbed your detector.

Well, do you have a strum on Bob Dylan's guitar

-without asking him?

-No.

No!

A man's detector's like his...

-His what?

-Woman.

-HE LAUGHS: Woman?!

You know what I mean.

-You don't touch another man's detector.

-Or his woman.

Exactly.

-HE LAUGHS

-Did you see the look on his face?

I thought he was going to cry.

-You shouldn't have taken his detector.

-I couldn't help it.

You don't mess with Lance's metal detectors.

He's got more than one?

Legend has it, he has a false bookcase that pulls back

to reveal a secret cabinet full of them.

-HE WHEEZES:

-Yeah?

-That's what they say.

So weird! Why do you hang out with them?

-They're not weird.

-Yeah, they are! They're freaks!

You're relatively normal compared to them.

I like them. They're my friends.

I'm not too keen on Terry's idea of holding the rally at the crash site.

It's supposed to be a special moment.

Oh, he means well. It's just, once he's got an idea in his head...

Could you...speak with him, try to make him change his mind?

I can try.

Thanks.

I didn't mean to insult your friends.

You're forgiven.

They ARE weird.

-That's why I like them.

-HE LAUGHS

Oh...God!

Who are they?

-SHE SIGHS

-They look like...

Simon and Garfunkel.

Opal Fruits.

Yeah.

TOFFOs?

TOFFOs, good one.

-Spangles?

-Lazy!

Yeah, sorry.

So, Becky said she saw you with someone, in town.

-Oh, yeah? Who?

-I dunno, a woman.

Hmm.

When?

Tuesday, I think, afternoon.

I dunno, er...

Maybe it's the old lady from downstairs.

No, I think it was someone younger.

Well, Mrs Morris looks young for her age.

-Well, how old is she?

-93.

Definitely someone younger.

TEXT ALERT

Message from Sophie.

"S&G alert - heading your way."

What's an S&G alert?

Hello there!

Old friends.

Indeed.

Been a long time, hasn't it?

It has.

A lot of water under the bridge.

-Troubled water.

-Pardon?

Troubled water, that the bridge is over.

We just bumped into Sophie and her boyfriend.

-I don't think they're a couple.

-Ooh, did I touch a nerve?

No.

They told us about the plane crash.

-They told you?

-He did, yeah.

Plane crash, grandad. Mmm, very moving story.

-What you getting at?

-But is that the real reason, hmm?

Or is there something else?

Something you're hoping you might find?

-The first one.

-Really?

-Really.

You don't need metal detectors to lay a wreath.

Oh, wise words.

-HE LAUGHS:

-Mm-hm!

We wanted to see you, actually, to thank you.

-We have formed a brand-new club.

-Is that so?

-Yes.

You did us a big favour when you absorbed

some of our less-committed members, allowed us to streamline.

We are now a highly efficient unit

comprising a dozen or so elite detectorists.

-What you called?

-The Dirt Sharks.

-Ew! Really?

-Yuck!

And what's wrong with the Dirt Sharks?

Sounds a bit, you know...

Aggressive.

Invasive.

I don't think so.

-Predatory.

-Predatory, yes.

Sharks are highly efficient hunters.

And you, with your metal detectors, are like sharks swimming,

not through water, but through dirt,

and hunting for metal instead of food?

Yeah, exactly.

-Oh, yeah, that's good, that is.

-Yeah, it works.

-It's good.

-Well done.

-Yeah.

So what, are you, er, looking to share our permissions,

cos, um, you got two hopes of that -

Bob and no.

-HE SNORTS:

-It's amazing!

Why is it I understand so very little of what you say?

Cos you're as thick as two short plonks.

-Planks.

-You're welcome.

Come on, Paul.

Don't.

What a mallet!

Why are they here? What do they think they know?

Phone Sophie.

Make sure Peter knows not to say anything else.

Tell him to keep schtum.

The sound of silence.