Episode 3 Detectorists

This programme contains some strong language.

Describe it to me again?

It's the, erm... You know,

it's the big chunky chain that the Mayor wears on special occasions.

It lets everyone know he's the Mayor.

-And this is where he lost it?

-So he says.

Why would he wear it here?

Your guess is as good as mine.

It's probably best not to think too much about it.

CAR MOTOR HUMS

MOTOR TURNS OFF

Do you think that's what the Mayor was doing?

Which one?

That one.

Possibly.

Maybe not exactly that but certainly along those lines.

Do you think he was wearing his chain when he was doing it?

I suppose so.

What for?

Probably gives him a sense of power.

-Can we go home now?

-Yeah.

Don't want to stick around here any longer than we have to.

She's going to catch her death.

# Will you search through the lonely earth for me?

# Climb through the briar and bramble

# I'll be your treasure

# I'm waiting for you

# I'm waiting for you. #

Oh, Lance. Hello.

Sophie! Hello.

-What you up to?

-Just, er...

Oh, I was just, erm...

..picking up a few things.

Nice flowers.

Yeah, yeah, brighten the place up a bit.

-What kind of...?

-Freesias, I think.

And chocolates?

Yeah, give myself a little treat.

Why not?

Exactly!

Can you smell the early '90s?

Nope.

Anyway, good to see you.

Yeah, you too.

Enjoy the chocolates.

-Sorry?

-Chocolates.

Yeah, yeah.

PHONE VIBRATES

Your phone's ringing.

It's Sophie.

Can you answer it? I'm up to my elbows.

Hi, Sophie, it's Becky.

Yes, he's changing a nappy.

All right.

Hang on.

Sophie's just bumped into Lance

and she thinks something's about to go down.

-Like what?

-Like what?

She saw him in the supermarket buying all the materials

required to make a romantic evening.

Oh, God, he must have got the instructions off the internet.

I've got to wash my hands. What was he buying?

What was he buying?

Flowers, chocolates, aftershave.

What kind?

Freesias, Ferrero Rocher, Fahrenheit.

Christ.

Hello? You still got the suspect in your sights?

All right, follow at a discreet distance and report back.

Oh, and Sophie? Be safe.

You are a bunch of kids.

We're just concerned about him,

we don't want him to make a fool of himself.

Mm, because you're an expert in that field?

Listen, tomorrow night, shall we go out?

Just the two of us?

Yeah, OK. What's brought this on?

Nothing's brought this on, I'm only suggesting going to a restaurant.

Cool. Who'll babysit?

-Well, let's face it...

-Your mum?

-She's free.

-Course she is, she doesn't have any friends.

I meant she doesn't cost anything.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

She is his grandmother.

I just wish we didn't have to rely on her so much.

Well, I think I've

got a plan to deal with her.

Murder? Really? OK.

-Not murder.

-I know someone. I can make a phone call.

Not murder!

-Oh, look, it's Forrest Gump.

-Oh, yeah.

Hello.

We were just looking for something.

Yeah, I...I...I lost something.

-I don't think we'll ever find it, do you?

-No, no, I don't.

-Was it valuable?

-What?

The thing you lost.

No, no, very cheap.

Oh, well, we should just call it a day. I think we're just going to

-call it a day.

-Yeah.

Who was that?

Er, I don't know, but they were spying on you.

Oh. Hello.

Hello.

How are you?

Yeah, not bad, good. Yourself?

Good.

Should we...?

Yeah, OK.

-'It's quite reasonable.

-No, it's horrible.

'It's not horrible, it can be... Imagine,

'it looks like a white horse.'

About 22, 23, blonde.

Yeah, that's her. Did he see you?

No, but she did. I'm shit at spying.

Well, that's already been established.

But he dumped the chocolates and the flowers?

Yep, but the smell of aftershave was very much still in the air.

It's amazing, isn't it?

All the information at our fingertips these days.

Oh, it certainly is, Sheila.

The things Terry gets up to on his computer.

-Do you know where he sent an e-mail last week?

-Where?

-New Zealand.

-Yeah?

Terry!

-Please, Terry. Hugh's cousin is a mechanic.

-No.

Terry, tell them where you sent

an e-mail last week.

-New Zealand.

-Told you.

Yeah, easy, really. Just a click of a button.

Friends that we met in the Peak District on holiday.

Rory and Simone.

And have you heard back?

Not yet.

So, let us show you what we've turned up.

DOOR CREAKS

Sorry I'm late.

Had to, er...do something.

You smell nice.

OK, so we're pretty sure

that this is the same view of the round tower,

because of this window here.

And the photograph would have been taken round about here,

looking in this direction, pretty much

-where we parked the cars the other day.

-That's the farm,

that's on our permission. We haven't got to that field yet,

but it's definitely on the same farm.

No. No, you're in the wrong place.

No, we're not. What do you mean?

-Yeah, you're on the wrong side of the church.

-How do you know?

Well, look at the motorbike.

Numbers on the plate back to front. Image has been reversed.

Good God, you're right!

Huh.

Window should be on the other side of the tower.

Need to be here.

But unfortunately, we don't have permission to detect in that field.

-Oh, dear.

-What?

Russell, did you ever get a chance

to look for the Mayor's chain of office?

We tried, but we couldn't stomach it. It's horrible up there.

Well, I think you're going to have to find the courage to go back

because unless I'm very much mistaken, this land...

belongs to none other than the Mayor himself.

So...

Russell, Hugh, your mission is to find the chain, return it

and, in lieu of the afore-promised donation,

see if you can persuade the Mayor to let us detect on his farm.

Do we have to? It is putrid up there.

Hugh saw some things up there that such young eyes should never

have to witness. He hasn't spoken about it since.

Oh, come on, man up, Russell.

You go!

-Wouldn't be seen dead in those woods.

-Exactly.

At least not until you were properly decomposed.

Russ!

I wouldn't be surprised

if both Hugh and me have caught an infection.

Wear protective clothing!

Come on, chaps, steel yourselves, this one's for the club.

I mean,

we could even pop round there now.

We'll go in the morning.

Oh.

What,

where all the cars go and park up after dark, and they go...?

Exactly.

Well, what was the Mayor doing up there in his chains of office?

Well, maybe that's how he gets his kicks. Takes all sorts.

Terry likes to wear his...

Lance doesn't need to... Nobody needs to...

Ah, here we are.

I'll pay for these.

Now, so we got a JD & C,

G and slimline T, three pints of numbers

and a Dubonnet and lemonade.

-How much is that?

-24.50.

Keep that. Cheers.

So, Sheila, do you want to get out in the fields with a metal detector?

Oh, gosh, no, Peter, I couldn't think of anything more tedious.

Even so, you have a great percentage of female club members.

Well, I should say we've probably got above average.

And we also got two lesbians and an Asian.

Very proud.

Louise and Varde are also women, Terry, they're not just lesbians.

Yeah, but you know what I mean.

We've got all the minorities covered.

Are women a minority?

You know what I mean.

I don't know if we do, Terry.

Oh, God, it's a minefield!

I'm just going to shut up.

Hey look, it's these guys.

-SOPHIE:

-Oh, shit.

Ah, evening, ladies.

Ha, yes, your catchphrase. It's really good, it's very amusing.

Here they are, the Dirt Sharks.

-The what?

-You heard me.

Yes, we have reformed, we are now known as The Dirt Sharks.

Yuck.

I don't know why everyone has such a problem with that name.

It was unanimously chosen from a very attractive shortlist.

Mm, what were some of the others?

Dirt Surfers.

THEY LAUGH

It's Peter, isn't it?

That's right.

We wondered if we might have a word with you about your quest.

Plane crash?

Certainly.

In private, please.

These guys are all helping to find the plane.

Any information you have is very welcome and we'd all like to hear.

You do realise that you'll have to have a licence

from the Ministry of Defence to dig the site, even if you do find it,

don't you?

It's all in hand. Thank you.

And you'll have to have a Finds Liaison Officer present

to record any items of value?

Well, we're not expecting to find any items of value.

-Oh, aren't you?

-No.

What are you getting at?

According to the Protection of Military Remains Act 1986,

any crash site suspected of having...

Everything is done by the book. You don't need to worry.

Thank you for your help.

Goodnight.

Night!

-COUGHING:

-Wankers.

Those two give me the willies.

Rival club?

Sophie used to spy for them.

Really? You didn't tell me about that.

Yes, and they won't let me forget it.

Their methods are...unsound.

Night Hawks.

You were a Night Hawk?

No, I was duped.

We rescued her from the dark side.

That's hilarious. I knew there was something I didn't trust about you.

Shut up.

They're getting on well.

What, Sophie and Peter? That'll never work.

Why not?

He's too old for her.

Is he?

I don't know, what's a reasonable age difference?

Well, sometimes ten years.

What about 20?

-But he's not 20 years older than her.

-No, no.

But...would 20 be too much?

Yeah, probably. What are you talking about?

Nothing.

You walking home?

Erm, Peter's giving me a lift.

You only live down the road.

Yeah.

Oh, it... Yeah, no... I know, yeah. See you later then.

-Yeah, see you.

-Bye, Andy.

Better get this over and done with.

DETECTOR BEEPS

Russ!

-Urgh!

-What is it?

Look.

Oh, yeah.

I've seen a few of those scattered about.

All different colours.

Has that one been used?

It looks like it. It's got a knot in it.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I'm not touching it.

Neither am I.

Flick it off with a stick.

Can you get me a stick?

It was in his hair.

Seriously, it came out with such force, it shot out

the back of his nappy, up his back and it was all matted in his hair.

Had to tease it out with a comb.

Is this really an after-dinner story?

I've just had sticky toffee pudding.

Do you want another drink?

Er, maybe.

Let's have another drink.

Do you remember what we used to talk about before Stan?

HE CHUCKLES You mean we didn't used to talk

about poo all the time?

Hardly ever.

We used to talk about the future and what we wanted to do.

About our hopes and dreams.

-Can I tell you what Gay Martin said about VSO?

-Ah.

Please, Andy, don't just close your mind to this,

and don't just clam up.

If you are really against this, I need to know why.

I've told you, I think Stan's too young.

How can we look after a three-month-old baby in Africa?

Africans manage it.

You know what I mean.

I'm so scared, Andy, that now we've had a baby that's it,

we're never going to do anything brave or exciting ever again

because we're too nervous about changing anything.

I don't get to see enough of Stan.

If we don't do this now, we might never do it.

We need to be brave, both of us.

We both need to say, "Fuck it, let's do this."

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

Something to finish off?

Yes, please. I'd like a Scotch, double, no ice.

-Sir?

-Erm,

just a decaffeinated coffee, please, quite weak.

Plenty of milk, but cold milk so it's not too hot. Just tepid.

-Would you like a marshmallow with it?

-Oh, yes, please.

Let me show you what I found.

Toutswemogala Hill in Botswana.

They've been excavating an Iron Age civilisation there

for the past five years.

They've just received funding for a further year

and are recruiting new graduates as field archaeologists.

And look.

The nearest town is 50km away, so they've begun building

a village close to the excavation site for the workers.

And they've set up a school for the children,

and the school needs volunteers.

Well?

Yeah, it's... I dunno.

Look at it, Andy, it's almost too good to be true.

Who'd look after Stan?

We would. Both of us.

Be difficult without your mum about.

-You always moan when he goes to my mum's.

-She helps a lot.

Oh, you are such a hypocrite!

It's...it's not just that.

I mean, wouldn't we be mad to risk it while you've got a job

and a steady income? It's the only security we've got.

I gave in my notice.

What? When?

When I went back to work, I gave in my notice at the same time.

I told them I was only going to be there for one more term.

When were you going to tell me?

I...I didn't want to put pressure on you finding a job.

I was going to tell you as soon as you got work.

But the weeks and months

are passing by and you're still signing on.

Oh, no, wait. Oh, we're too late.

Applications closed yesterday.

I know.

I've already applied for you.

You've got an interview on Tuesday.

Jeez, any more revelations?

Just go along and do the interview.

It'll be good practice.

And if you don't get it, nothing lost.

And if I do?

Then we'll discuss it some more.

Please! Please be brave.

-Madame, double scotch, no ice.

-Thank you.

And for you, sir,

weak, mild, tepid, sweet, decaffeinated coffee.

-Enjoy.

-Thank you.

What? You don't think I should have the marshmallow?

You think it'll keep me awake?

Africa, Botswana?

No, Botswana Upon Thames.

Bloody hell.

Ridiculous, right? You can't take a baby to Botswana.

-How long for?

-A year.

It's completely the wrong time, we need to wait until Stanley's older.

Sounds brilliant.

What? Not you as well.

Well, sounds right up your strasse.

Brushing the dirt with little brushes.

Why wouldn't you want to go for that?

You can't wait to get rid of me.

Who would you go detecting with?

Oh, don't worry about me.

Anyway, I might not have quite

so much time to go detecting from now on.

Why's that?

Oh, nothing. You know, just...things.

Other things going on.

Other people.

Hey. You remember old McWiffen?

He used to wear period costumes when he was detecting.

That's it.

Swore he found more from the era of the clothes he was wearing.

Frock coat and periwig, he'd find Georgian buckles and coins.

Pops on a toga, Roman stuff.

You didn't want to see him when he was searching

for prehistoric artefacts, though.

Tiny strip of rabbit fur.

And he was a big bloke.

You see Celebrity Mastermind?

Yeah, general knowledge questions were a joke.

Oh. I didn't, I was out.

Like children's questions.

Didn't see it. Went out with someone.

General knowledge questions on normal Mastermind

are well difficult.

Nobody you'd know.

Why do celebrities get easier questions?

Mm?

Oh, for Christ's sake, mate, I know you've been seeing someone.

I saw you and Sophie saw you.

-When?

-In a cafe when you said you were going to be at the DIY shop

-and in the park.

-So you've seen her?

Yes, mate, so stop being so fucking mysterious.

She's beautiful, isn't she?

I haven't seen her close up, I dunno, is she?

Yeah.

-What's her name?

-Kate.

How many times have you seen her?

Three times.

And how old is she?

22.

What?

What do you mean, "What?" You know what.

Isn't she a bit young for you?

Nope.

She's exactly the right age.

Argh! Stop speaking in riddles, tell me what's going on!

-YELLING:

-She's my daughter!

Right, thank you!

-She's...

-No, no, no! I just need to...

..process.

Your daughter?

Yeah.

That you knew about?

Yes.

And that you didn't tell me about?

Why should I have done?

No reason, it's just a little thing.

I only met her last week.

She looks just like her mother.

Who's her mother?

I only knew her a couple of months.

She was about the age Kate is now.

I fell for her - hook, line and sinker.

Summer fling.

Met a girl, spent the summer with her.

-Tell me more, tell me more, was it love at first sight?

-Mate!

-Trying to open up here.

-Sorry.

Anyway...

Come to the end of the summer, she found out she was pregnant.

Furious. Sawed my bed in half.

Sawed it in half?

Chainsaw.

Lengthways?

Across.

Disappeared back to Ireland, I never saw her again.

And what? Kate found you?

Yeah, she e-mailed me last month.

I always hoped she would.

Mate, it's a brave new world.

It's time to confront past mistakes.

And I think you should take that job.

So did the council come and pick that up then? The bed.

I dismantled it in the end. Took it up the dump.

Took three trips.