Episode 4 Detectorists

-TV:

-'It was when he checked the hole again -

'the metal detector gave another beep - that Kevin Beale's fortune

'was about to change. 'Well, he's here with us now.

'Um, Kevin what happened next?

'Well, I dug down again and found a gold coin, Roman.

-'It was very exciting.

-And it didn't end there, did it?

'No, it didn't, Chris.

'I checked the hole again and another beep,

'another gold coin.

'Fantastic. Well, I can tell you that, in fact, Kevin ended up

'unearthing 350 silver and gold Roman coins

'worth in the region of a million pounds.

'What's happening to the money?

'Oh. Well, the British Museum bought the coins,

'and then I'm splitting it with myself and the land owner.

'Now, am I right in thinking that you're very, very new

'to this hobby of metal detecting?

'Yes, indeed. Yes, it's actually only the second time I've been out.

'I would imagine, after this, you're pretty hooked on it all.

-'Absolutely, yes.

-'Really got the bug.

'Before you go, I must ask you this,

'is it true that when metal detectors find gold,

'they do a bit of a celebratory gold dance?

'Yes. Yes, they do, yes.

'It'd be great if we could see it. Can you do it?

'I don't...I don't think so.

'All right. OK, well, maybe another time.

'Thank you very much, Kevin.'

This programme contains some strong language.

Fucking bastard.

# Will you search through the lonely earth for me?

# Climb through the briar and bramble?

# I'll be your treasure

# I'm waiting for you

# I'm waiting for you. #

I haven't been to a job interview in years.

In fact, I've never been to a job interview.

I suppose I should just be myself?

You joking?

Don't do that, mate, that won't help.

Who shall I be then?

Someone else. Someone better.

Cheers.

Try to be a bit more...

What's that?

Sparky! A bit less...

-What's that?

-Morose.

Bloody hell, it's going to be a disaster.

Told you Becky's handed in her notice at work?

Three times.

If I don't get this job, we'll be homeless.

We'll have to move in with her mum.

That'll be nice. That's bound to go smoothly.

I know.

So you been doing any reading up?

As much as I can, there's not much information out there.

Oh, they play a lot of bridge in Botswana.

Apparently a national sport.

Right, well, that's useful. That'll come in handy(!)

And there's a big death metal scene, mention the band Crack Dust.

Right, so bridge and Crack Dust.

Job's yours.

-You seen Kate?

-No.

Coming to the flat on Wednesday.

Big day.

What you worried about?

Well...

She'll be seeing me in my natural habitat, won't she?

The real me.

Want to make a good impression.

Hide the signed Linda Lusardi photo.

It's already gone.

Can't believe you've got a grown-up daughter.

Did she call you Lance or Dad?

Well, she's skilfully avoided calling me anything up to now.

Obviously, I'd like her to call me Dad, but, you know...

I've got to give her space.

I can't imagine it, out of the blue like that.

Well, it's not out the blue for me, is it?

I've been thinking about this for the last 20 years.

How it'll pan out, good or bad.

Just hope it's one of the good ones and I don't muck it up.

BEEPS What you got?

Some sort of brooch.

Hm.

Nice condition.

It's got the enamelling and...

and the original pin on the back.

-Yeah?

-Yeah. Hang on, there's an inscription...

in Latin!

What's it say?

Status quo.

RADIO PLAYS 80S POP MUSIC

Did you see that guy who found a Roman hoard in Warwickshire?

No.

A million pounds, they reckon.

Whatever.

-And it was his first time detecting.

-Second, whatever.

SHE LAUGHS MOCKINGLY

You did see it!

Are you jealous?

No, why should I be?

You are, you're jealous.

God, I can't stand it when other people find good things.

Can't turn on the news these days without hearing somebody else

has stumbled upon a hoard of ancient treasure.

Some of them aren't even looking.

Everyone else is sliding around in Roman coins.

I can't even watch Time Team any more because I'm jealous of them.

Well, you'd be safe in Africa.

They don't have Time Team in Botswana.

I need to get the job first.

To be honest, Becks, I'm bricking it.

You'll be fine.

And if I'm not?

Maybe I can retract my notice and carry on working.

They'll probably just ask you about your CV and

see if you've got any questions.

I don't have a CV.

Oh. I wrote you a CV.

Did you?

Yeah. So you might want to make yourself familiar with that.

I can't ride a horse.

Well, they're not going to ask you to ride a horse, are they?

They're not going to have a horse with them.

-Why did you put I could ride a horse?

-Forget about the horse!

And this palaeontology course that I attended on the Jurassic coast?

-Yeah?

-It wasn't so much a course.

-You got qualifications.

-It was a badge...

-You learned a lot.

-..for Cubs.

Well, to be honest, I was struggling.

Oh, well, I'm feeling so much better about this now.

Relax, you'll be great!

No, I'm all right. I'm going to give it my best shot, for all of us.

I've heard you talk so passionately about archaeology,

they will see that passion if you let them, and I'm sure

that'll make up for your lack of experience.

Yeah, definitely.

You're so ready for something like this, Andy.

We both are.

It's time to make decisions, get our lives kick-started,

to really grab life by the horns, don't you think?

Andy?

Yeah?

Are you listening?

Sorry, I can't decide whether to wash the salad or not.

Ugh!

Do you think I should wash the salad?

Do you know what?

That's a decision you're going to have to make for yourself.

Pardon? Was that a yes or a no?

'Of sentimental value, yes. We're thinking...'

How's your tea?

Really horrible.

Yeah?

Really horrible.

It's got a flavour I can't quite put my finger on.

I can't describe it.

Sorry, it's the kettle.

-I use it for...

-Please don't tell me.

HE LAUGHS

I was thinking about those guys that came into the pub.

-Dirt Sharks.

-Yeah?

What do you think they were after? Do you think they know something?

No, they're idiots, they're just being nosey.

I was wondering if I should go see them.

Honestly, they're always hanging about,

they're just afraid they're missing out on something.

Yeah, but I feel a bit rude. Wouldn't mind to say sorry.

-Do you know where I can call them?

-No.

But they meet at the WI on a Thursday night.

Have you got a detector?

Yeah, I got one second-hand.

It's a really good one.

Yeah, got a good deal.

Do you know how to use it?

I'll figure it out.

So what are you going to do once you find the plane?

-You going to go home?

-Well, no. Actually, I was thinking of taking

-the detector on a tour of duty.

-Where?

Don't know, just drive around, maybe visit some historic sites.

Oh, that sounds nice.

Come with me.

-Really?

-You got plans for the summer?

-Not really.

-Come with me, then.

OK.

-No, you give it to him.

-You found it, I'm not touching it.

I'm not very good with authority figures.

The mayor has no authority

unless he's wearing his necklace, so don't hand that over

until he gives you permission to detect on his land.

We're doing this for the club. We're on a mission.

I can't get the image of the mayor out of my head...in the woods.

I know, try not to think about it. Try to imagine him fully clothed.

Yes?

Um... Hello, sir.

We're...we're the detectorists.

The what?

Metal detectors, we found your necklace.

-WHISPERS:

-It's called a chain of office, you took your bloody time.

Is it all there?

It might need some fixing, I think some of the links are broken.

It must have been flung off with quite some abandon.

It got caught on a branch.

That's right...

Good. Well, I'll phone Terry about the reward.

Actually, Your Worship,

instead of a reward, we were wondering

whether or not you might grant us permission to detect on your land.

No, absolutely not, out of the question.

Oh.

No, nothing to find there.

No, no.

-Well, we won't take up any more of your time.

-Good.

Oh, there's just one more thing.

-What?

-Well, it's just that the local papers have been in contact asking

if we have any interesting stories, and we thought they'd be very

interested to hear about your necklace and...where you lost it.

It could get a lot of attention, or could go global,

or make the local TV news.

Terry said they like a quirky story.

Especially one with a happy ending.

LAUGHS: So to speak.

I see.

Well, Terry's idea, was this?

Always knew Terry was bent.

Even when he was in the Force, he didn't play by the rules.

And this...

There is a word for this.

Is there?

Hm.

Fine. Have your permission.

I know what you're up to, I've been warned about you.

Have you?

But he's one step ahead of you, you know.

Who is?

Well, thank you!

You might want to give that a wipe.

RUSS GROANS

Hello, I've got an interview at 10.30, Andrew Stone.

They're running about half an hour behind, you OK to wait?

-Yeah, sure.

-Take a seat.

-Thank you.

-I'm just going to get some fresh air.

-OK.

Morning.

-Andrew Stone?

-Yes.

Sorry to keep you waiting, do you want to come through?

Come in, come in.

I'm Robert Kingsnorth and this is Dr Tendai

from the University of Gaborone. Have a seat.

Dr Tendai is overseeing the excavation at Toutswemogala.

Right, yes.

Is there another...?

No, that's it, I'm afraid.

Right.

-Nearly qualified, I see.

-Yes.

Not much experience in the field.

No, not yet.

Right.

How much do you know about Botswana?

Um...

I believe that bridge is very popular.

The card game.

I meant archaeology in Botswana.

Yes.

Sounds fascinating.

What does?

Archaeology.

Yes.

How much have you studied the Iron Age?

Well, I wrote a thesis on the Sterling hoard.

Sterling hoard, the gold torcs?

That's right, yeah.

Found by a metal detector.

Yes.

What are you views on metal detectors?

Um...

I think as long as they stick to a strict code of conduct,

then metal detectors...

people using metal detectors provide a valuable service and recover

a lot of archaeology that would otherwise be lost to the plough.

I mean, hobbyists get a very bad press, but the vast majority are

law-abiding experts in their field

and absolutely passionate about history.

You're not a metal detector, are you, Mr Stone?

Detectorist.

No.

Oh, God, and then I asked him if he was into death metal!

Curse Lance and his pub quiz trivia.

I know, but, baby, it was awful.

When I shook their hands at the end,

they recoiled because mine was so cold and clammy.

I mean, they physically recoiled.

Hang on, babes, hang on a second. Dr Tendai?

-Yes?

-Um...

Sorry, I just wanted to say, I wasn't picking up cigarette butts.

Excuse me?

Earlier when you saw me, I wasn't picking up cigarette butts.

-Oh.

-Clay pipes.

Pardon?

I saw just bits of clay pipe in the flower bed, I...

What are they?

Broken bits of pipe, you know, that people used to...smoke.

How old are they?

Well, these ones are Victorian,

-but that one's early 18th, maybe late 17th century.

-Hm.

How can you tell?

The older ones are thicker and they had a much smaller bulb

because tobacco was so expensive.

OK. And you found these just here?

Yeah, just... Yeah.

Can I keep these?

Yeah.

Thanks. Bye.

Bye-bye.

Oh!

What was the name of the band you said you like?

Crack Dust.

Crack Dust.

I'll check them out.

-SHE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

-Oh, God!

A maverick, yeah?

He didn't actually use the word maverick, no.

He said you never did play by the rules.

Yeah, he's basically saying I was a maverick.

Sometimes you've got to throw away the rule book and go with a hunch.

I wasn't in the business of bureaucracy and red tape.

I was in the business of catching criminals.

That was back when I had my Cortina.

Eh, Sheila?

What's that, love?

The old Cortina.

Oh, yes!

And your leather jacket.

HE CHUCKLES NOSTALGICALLY

Right.

I don't know how many of you heard that, but we've got some good news.

Thanks to the brave efforts of Russell and Hugh,

we now have permission to detect on the mayor's land.

Whoa. Has that land ever been searched before?

Never. Virgin land.

How many acres?

500.

Get in!

So the rally's on?

Can't think of any reason why not.

Well, hang on, aren't we forgetting something?

This was about finding Peter's grandfather and the crash site.

Well, it's funny you should mention that.

Has anyone seen Peter?

Yeah, I saw him this morning.

RUSS CHUCKLES TIMIDLY

-Is he coming this evening?

-Said he was.

Because I have in my hand a piece of paper

that needs some explaining.

What's that, Tel-boy?

This is the license to excavate the crash site

-from the Ministry of Defence.

-Bloody hell, that was quick.

Exactly. Why?

Because they have got a full record of the crash,

and there is no mention of any human remains being onboard.

What, it's already been excavated?

No. No-one's touched the plane. There was no need.

The crewmen all parachuted to safety

and were captured two days later

trying to steal a boat from South Woodham Ferrers.

So what I want to know is...

-What's he up to?

-What's he looking for?

Gold.

What's that, Varde?

Well, there's always rumours on the internet, conspiracy theories,

most of which are completely spurious.

But one persistent story is of a German bomber carrying gold bullion

that's supposed to have crashed in Essex in 1941.

There's no real evidence that it ever existed, but the more

the theories are repeated, the more credence they have and...

Yeah, all, right Varde, let someone else get a word in.

Who else has heard this gold bullion story?

So, hang on, is he lying?

Is he a treasure hunter?

No! It's rubbish.

Varde just said it's completely untrue.

No, she didn't say it was untrue, she said there was no real evidence.

Didn't you, Varde?

You lot are obsessed with gold.

Here we go.

Come to think of it, the mayor was acting suspiciously,

like he knew something we didn't.

So is that it?

Are we being taken for a ride?

Um, hello?

So!

You don't want us to disturb your grandfather, do you?

What's that, Terry?

Your grandfather, want him to be left in peace?

Yes, that's right.

Why is that? Been watching the telly?

-Sorry, I...

-I don't think he knows, Terry.

What, there's a spot of Sudoku, doesn't want to be disturbed?

-What are you talking about?

-Terry, I don't think he knows.

-What?

-Knows what?

That your grandfather...

Didn't die in the plane crash?

What?

Oh. OK, well, um...

Congratulations,

your grandfather isn't dead.

Well, of course he may be...by now.

But he didn't perish in an air crash.

Not this one anyway.

This is a cause for celebration!

Oh, is it, Sheila? Anyone else in the mood for a party?

This isn't necessarily good news for me.

If my grandfather survived the war, that means he made

the conscious decision not to come home to his family.

No. Yeah. Right.

Didn't think of that.

Hm.

Anyway!

Means we need to get the plane now...for the rally.

-Peter, he didn't realise.

-I know, I know. God,

but I came asking for help and it's turning into some stupid circus.

He didn't know he was going to discover that.

I know, but I need to figure out what I want to do, OK?

I need to think.

Well, do you want me to come?

No, I'll call.

You're a what?

A detectorist.

Are you on some sort of register? HE CHUCKLES

It's a hobby.

We go out looking for...for metals.

Buried metals.

-Gold and stuff.

-Treasure.

-Well, we wouldn't put it like that.

-Pirate treasure.

No. Pirate treasure, no.

Have you found any?

-What, gold?

-Yeah.

No.

OK, what's the best thing you have found?

Let's, um...

Why don't we...?

I've got a surprise for you.

I've been meaning to give you this.

I bought it for you when you were born.

Or when I thought you were born.

It's a bit late, I've been saving it.

Oh...

Thank you.

I think you might have appreciated it more back then.

No. No, I like it, thanks.

And here, this is for...

for Christmas that same year.

It's not much, I was a bit skint.

Wow. Oh!

I just can't believe you've saved them all these years.

Oh, that's not it.

Here's...

This is for your first birthday.

And this is for your second.

And...

..this is for

Christmas those years.

-And here...

-OK, wait, wait. Lance.

-This is for your third birthday.

-And here's your fourth.

-OK, slow down a bit. Lance.

Lance wait, wait.

You've bought me a birthday and a Christmas present ever year.

Yes.

That...that's over 40 presents.

Yes.

Lance, this is amazing, but I'm freaking out a bit.

What do you mean?

I... Oh, I don't think I even own 40 things.

Oh, fine.

Well, open this at least.

The presents can wait.

-What is it?

-Open it.

It's your child maintenance.

I put it aside every month till you were 18.

It's been gathering interest ever since.

I can't accept that.

What do you mean? No, it's yours already. It's always been yours.

I'm not giving you anything you didn't already own,

-you just didn't know about it.

-No, Lance I just ...

-No, no call me Dad.

-No!

I can't yet, I'm sorry. Um...

This is all just a bit much. I'm going to go. I'm sorry.

No, no, you don't have to. You're not supposed to go yet.

No, but... I've got all the...

'Postman's coming. You might hear about that job today.'

Yeah, I wouldn't hold your breath.

Should've seen the beards on the other applicants.

'A beard and BO doth not an archaeologist make.'

Sure goes a long way towards fitting in, though.

-Is that it?

-No.

It's a magazine subscription thing.

Have a nice day with Daddy. Say hello to Uncle Lance.

Don't listen to any of their bullshit.

We don't talk bullshit.

Yes, you do.

We talk about all manner of philosophical issues.

Arts, religion, science, you name it.

Life.

Did you hear about old Rod McClin?

-What about him?

-Dead, mate.

How?

Fell in a vat of boiling soup.

-What?

-Well,

he was working over at Billingsgate Foods

in charge of the soup,

fell in.

Bloody hell!

Ah, I know. Grim.

Do you know what flavour?

Dunno.

For some reason, I'm imagining tomato.

Yeah. Me too.

He was a legend, Rod McClin.

Didn't people say he had metal detector shoes

so he was constantly detecting?

There's lots of stories about old Rod.

Yeah, he used to go detecting at the end of each day for loose

change on Wimbledon Common.

ANDY SNICKERS

What?

Wimbledon Common.

What about it?

Well, it's not real.

Not real?

No, it's fictitious. It's made up for the Wombles.

No, it wasn't.

Yes, it was.

# Underground, overground

-# Wombling free... #

-No, no.

I know the Wombles lived there,

but that doesn't mean it's not a real place.

You believe in Wombles?

Course I don't.

Look, the fictitious Wombles lived fictitiously

on the real-life Wimbledon Common.

-Really?

-Google it.

No signal.

Google it later.