Episode 5 Detectorists

This programme contains some strong language

Oi, mate!

What was that, mate?

Trampoline.

Ah.

Any of you chaps see a trampoline?

Went that way.

Was there a child in it?

Don't think so.

Right.

Is that good news?

Potentially.

# Will you search through the lonely earth for me?

# Climb through the briar and bramble

# I'll be your treasure

# I'm waiting for you

# I'm waiting for you. #

You said, and I quote... "I've got to give her space."

I know.

You said you'd like Kate to call you Dad,

-but it was too early and you had to give her space.

-I know.

And then, you go and dump 45 individually-wrapped

birthday and Christmas presents on her.

I've been an idiot.

Surprised she didn't call the police.

Terrified I've blown it.

Where'd she go?

Don't know.

Not answering her phone.

Ah, she's just gone to find some of that space you said you'd give her.

She'll be back.

Bloody hope so.

Oh, I got that job.

Yeah?

Yep.

That's because I mentioned crack dust

and the Botswanian death metal scene.

Must have been. You're welcome.

So, you're going to take it?

Don't know.

You haven't told Becky yet, have you?

-Nope.

-What's the problem?

-I'm so scared, mate.

-Of what?

Of taking my family out to the middle of nowhere -

to a malaria zone, for Christ's sake -

and not knowing what the fuck I'm doing once I'm there.

And not being able to cope.

And Becky seeing me not being able to cope.

Feels like stepping off a cliff into the unknown.

Sometimes in life, we have to step off cliffs.

That's not an expression. Shut up!

-Since meeting Kate, I...

-Yeah, I know what you're going to say.

Since meeting your daughter for the first time,

it's made you re-evaluate what's important in life

and made you determined to grab every opportunity

and not take anything for granted.

Not word for word, but along those lines.

-Yeah, well, I've heard it all before.

-Where?

On Oprah Winfrey, so back off.

Fed up with people trying to push me in directions I don't want to go.

You should take that job, mate.

You'll regret it, if you don't.

When have you got to let them know by?

End of the week, I think. It says in the letter.

-Bollocks.

-What?

It's not there. Must have fallen out.

Oh, well. There you go. It's a sign.

There's no such thing as signs.

There are, when you want there to be.

Peter, what's going on? Why aren't you answering your phone?

I've had enough, Sophie. I'm packing up, getting out of here.

I don't know.

Terry and the others turned it into some stupid conspiracy

and it's spoilt for me. I'm going home.

What, that's it? You're just going?

It's not your fault, but the whole thing has gone sour.

They can have their rally, dig it all up.

It's nothing to do with me anymore. I'm sorry.

It was nice to meet you.

Yeah, you too.

SOPHIE SIGHS

Where are you?

No, change of plan. It has to be tonight.

Soon as you can.

-Capital of Mongolia?

-Ulaanbaatar.

GAME BEEPS Knew it.

Largest carnivore?

-Blue whale.

-Land carnivore.

Bengal tiger.

GAME BUZZES

-BOTH:

-Polar bear.

-Surprising.

Here, you going to be seeing your mate - the foreign one?

Peter, German?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, maybe.

-He left this here.

-Oh, right. Yeah, I can give it to him.

-When was he in?

-Earlier, with two others.

Was Sophie with him?

Nah, it's two blokes. The one with the hair and a short one...

Simon and Garfunkel. They have their detectors with them?

Think so.

-Mate, you can't do that.

-Shut up.

What's in there?

-What did he say his grandfather's name was?

-Schneider.

Bellman.

Well, maybe it was his mum's dad.

No, he said his grandmother was pregnant with his father

when the plane went down.

Well, there's any number of reasons he could have a different name.

Mate, it's not looking good. He's after something else.

Surely, all that buried gold stuff's just internet bullshit.

It's a rural urban myth.

What was that?

Gold coin.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

It's German. It's got an eagle on it.

Is the eagle holding anything?

Yep.

It's holding a wreath.

Is there a symbol in the wreath?

Yeah.

We need to get hold of Terry. Emergency meeting.

Second thoughts, Mike.

We'll leave it here, in case he comes back for it.

Turns out we're not thirsty.

NERVOUS LAUGHTER

Neither of us.

DOORBELL RINGS

Lance, Andy.

Terence.

Come through to the operations room.

Everybody.

-EVERYBODY:

-Lance. Andy.

Hello! Oh, how exciting.

-ALL:

-Sheila.

Oh, I wish I'd known you were all coming. I'd have laid on a buffet.

Who would like some lemonade?

-Oh. Yes, please.

-Yes, please, Sheila.

-Aye, oh, you should try some.

-It's good stuff.

-Mmm, tasty.

-Really is.

-Well, two please, Sheila.

-Go on, then.

-Yes, please.

So, what's this about?

We don't think Peter's who he says he is.

We don't think his grandfather was on that plane

and he was seen drinking with the Dirt Sharks.

-I knew it.

-Sneaky bastard.

And we've seen something that might back up Varde's buried gold theory.

Why, what'd you see?

Well, don't want to reveal too much at this stage.

But suffice it to say, a large gold coin dropped out of his wallet.

What type of gold coin?

A bad gold coin.

No!

-'Fraid so.

-You mean a N...

-Not in this house. Thank you, Russell.

We think they're going to hit that site.

-When?

-Well, he knows we're onto him.

Why else would he be drinking with the Dirt Sharks?

-What, you think tonight?

-We need to protect it.

I think you're right. I think we need to get up there.

-All of us?

-A stakeout?

-Nothing more, nothing less, young Hugh.

-Cool.

Right, so there are three ways into that field.

-You're going to have to guard all three.

-Where will you be?

Sheila and I have got a prior engagement.

What? Where are you going?

Lindy hop.

Well, can't you forego the lindy hop?

Well, Sheila's been looking forward to the lindy hop.

So, dance is more important than detecting?

No, but Sheila is.

So, who's up for an all-nighter?

Lemonade!

-Ah.

-Here.

-Thanks, Sheila.

-Thank you.

The DMDC.

-ALL:

-DMDC.

I'll get it. DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, hello, Sophie.

Hi, Sheila. Are they here?

Yes. Yes, do come through.

-Do you want some lemonade?

-No, thanks.

-Oh, Sophie, there you are.

-What have you done?

What have we done?

I just spoke to Peter. He's packing up and going.

-You've driven him away.

-No, Sophie...

-Yes, Andy.

He came to us, asking for help,

with a personal and emotional journey he was making.

-And you've just turned it into a farce.

-Sophie...

You're all so paranoid!

You think everybody's out to take something from you.

Look, calm down, Sophie.

He's been lying to us. He's not even who he says he is.

-Oh, who is he, then?

-Well, his name's not Schneider.

And that's your proof?

He's been seen drinking with the Dirt Sharks.

Yeah, I bet he wish he'd gone to them in the first place,

cos they're not going to turn the whole thing into a carnival

and invite the local paper down.

Sophie, he's a Night Hawk.

No. You're wrong. I'll prove it.

What's going on?

I decided to go up there

before Terry and the rest go digging it all up.

Why, what's up there?

You know what's up there, I told you. My grandfather's plane.

But he wasn't on it when it went down.

Yeah, but I still have a connection to it.

Won't be the special moment I was hoping for,

but it'll still be something.

They say you're a liar - that Schneider isn't even your name.

I never said my name was Schneider.

I have my stepfather's name, Bellman.

I thought we were spending the summer together.

We still can.

I'm sorry, I was angry before. I don't have to go home.

I'll go in the morning. Just let me do this tonight.

-Do you want me to help?

-No, thanks.

I think I want to do this on my own.

You won't be able to take the van up that track,

so we should move the stuff on foot...

SOPHIE SIGHS

Hello, Kate? It's your dad.

It's Lance.

I just thought I'd leave you a message - another message.

Ignore the other seven.

I...just wondered if I was going to see you again, that's all.

And sorry about all the Christmas and birthday presents.

Don't know what I was thinking.

I'm going to load them all up in the car

and take them down the charity shop on Monday.

You were probably never into Evel Knievel, anyway.

I think that was probably for me.

But I do want you to keep that pocket money I saved you.

Yeah, that's yours.

You can give it away if you want, but I want you to have it.

Maybe...

Let me know if you want me to send it on anywhere.

Text me the address, if it's easier.

OK. Bye.

Come on, V. Why the silent treatment?

Did you tell your parents?

Tell them what?

That you were going to be up late?

No.

Do you want me to give them a ring?

Not really, no.

Funny, you never think you'll actually end up on a stakeout.

This is the third stakeout I've been on.

Yeah? What were the other two?

Well, first was protecting a giant vegetable,

the night before an important horticultural show.

It's a long story. I didn't grow it.

Pumpkin?

Marrow.

The other one?

Oh. Well, I staked out an ex-girlfriend's house,

see who she was going out with.

What?

Mate, that's stalking.

No, no. It would have become stalking if I'd have done it loads.

How many times did you do it?

Hmm, three or four.

SWING MUSIC

HE GROANS

HE GROANS

Terry to Cobb's Lane. Come in, Cobb's Lane, over.

This is Cobb's Lane. Go ahead, Lindy Hop, over.

Anything to report? Over.

Negative, Terence.

Nothing come through the Cobb's Lane access in either direction. Over.

There's no activity down by the site? Over.

'We don't actually have an eyeball on the site, Terence, from where we are.

'Over.'

Copy that.

Keep the access point under surveillance

'and standby for further instructions.

'Over.'

Juliet Bravo.

'Come in, Estan Road, over.'

Go ahead. Over.

'Anything happening down there? Over.'

Negative.

No. No suspicious activity here.

Over.

'Do you have a good view of the crash site? Over.'

No. Not from here, Terry.

It's the other side of the hill from us. Over.

'Copy that. Over.'

'Terry to Danebury Road, do you read me? Over.'

Danebury Road receiving you. Over.

'Louise, tell me you can see the crash site from where you are?

'Over.'

Um, that's a negative, Terry. Not from this position.

Am I to understand that not one of you can see the actual site

that we're supposed to be watching? Over.

'Seems about the size of it, Terry.

'Looks that way, Terry, yes.

'That's an affirmative.

'Over.'

Which one of you is closest? Over.

'That'll be us, Terry - Cobb's Lane.

'Do you want us to take a wander over?

'Over.'

Might be an idea, Lance(!)

Let's hit it.

Shit!

Come in, Terry. Over.

-Go ahead, over.

-'We're too late.'

Night Hawks.

How did they get there?

Don't know. Didn't come past any of us.

Well, how many? Over.

Four. At least three with detectors.

Right, I'm going to call the police.

You sit tight and do not let them know you're there.

'Things can turn nasty with these sorts of people.

'I'll drop Sheila home and then I'll get straight down there.

'Over and out.'

SNORING

-Can you see any of their faces?

-No.

Pretty sure it's Peter and the Dirt Sharks,

but there's somebody else, standing further away.

Just seems to be watching.

Anyone doing any gold dancing?

No.

Do Night Hawks do a gold dance, when they find gold?

I don't know. Does seem a bit frivolous.

DETECTOR BEEPS

Come on. Your detector's beeping. Why aren't you digging?

They're all false signals. There's so much scrap metal around.

The ground's all mineralised. Burnt from the explosion.

Doesn't this piece of junk have a gold setting?

The Arado 120B is a highly sophisticated

deep-seeking metal detector.

I don't understand why a German bomber going over England

would be carrying gold. Isn't that a ridiculous idea?

SIRENS BLARE

Shit.

Oh!

Ah!

No! The Arado!

You imbecile!

Stay down and keep your hands where I can see them.

I knew this would happen. I've stopped! There, I've stopped!

I'm not trying to get away!

Oh! I'm not resisting!

Agh! You're pulling my hair! HE SCREAMS

Come here!

Stop resisting and calm down, you big girl.

Get off me!

SNORING

Margarine.

-I haven't done anything wrong.

-Why were you running, then?

-I didn't know who you were.

-How many of you are there?

I didn't even want to come. Wasn't trying to get away.

-How many more?

-There were four of them.

What are your names?

Philip Peters.

Paul Lee.

-Where are the other two?

-I don't know.

Right, what are you doing here?

Night hawking. That's what they've been doing.

How dare you!

We have permission to be here.

-At two o'clock in the morning?

-Who do you have permission from?

From me.

And you are?

I'm the Mayor. This is my land.

And you know these two men?

-Yes.

-And you gave them permission to be here?

-Mm-hmm.

-So what's the...? Why are we...?

-Here comes Terry.

We've hit a snag, Terry.

Seems the Mayor has given them permission to dig.

No, actually. You can't give them permission to dig here,

because I've got the licence from the MoD

that says that this is a protected place.

Wrong. The Protection and Military Remains Act 1986

states that this is a controlled site.

What's the difference?

Do you know what?

I know I should know the difference

between a protected place and a controlled site,

according to the Protection of Military Remains Act 1986,

but right now, I can't bring it to mind.

I shall have to look it up in a book -

and my book is back at the station,

so who'd like to come to the station?

We'll all go.

I'll give some of you a lift.

Hey.

What are you doing up?

I've got a three-month-old baby.

Oh, yeah.

How was your stakeout?

Yeah, we caught three of the bad guys, but one got away.

Is he asleep?

Just gone down.

Did you hear about that job yet?

-No, not yet.

-No?

I got some good news today.

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah. I've been accepted on VSO.

Wait, so what does that mean?

It means me and Stanley are going to Botswana.

Without me?

You can do what you like, Andy. I really don't care.

Becky?

You are a fucking liar, Andy.

I know you got that job, because I saw the letter.

But you're too spineless to tell me about it.

So, me and Stanley will go to Botswana on our own

and you can stay here and play stakeouts

with your metal detecting friends.

-You can't...

-Just watch me.

For Christ's sake, Becky, this isn't fair.

You've just come up with a plan and forged ahead with it,

knowing that I don't think it's the right thing to do.

I didn't come up with any plan, we both did.

We've always said we'd go to Africa. We've been saying it for years.

I thought you were joking.

I wasn't joking.

I fell in love with you because you're a dreamer.

But when it comes to the crunch, you don't act on those dreams.

Because if you don't act on them,

there's no risk of failure or disappointment.

What other things we said we'd do were you joking about?

SNORING