Episode 6 Detectorists

How's it going?

Oh.

Choppy.

I was getting nothing but iffies and pops so I cranked up

discrimination, dropped her down a cog, wound her up full chat.

-You?

-Yeah.

She was just giving me chatter on the long arm so sunk out

the threshold and cheated a couple of ground inches on the back nine.

-Anything?

-Hot rocks and grots.

What you got?

Ring pull. '82.

Something fruity.

Could be Quatro.

Could be Lilt.

# Will you search through the lonely earth for me?

# Climb through the briar and bramble

# I will be your treasure

# I'm waiting for you

# I'm waiting for you. #

So what does she say?

She found the letter and read it.

Furious. I mean, like, spitting with rage.

Bloody hell. Sounds terrifying.

I know. Hell has no fury like...Becky.

I should have told her as soon as I got the job.

I dunno why I have this compulsion to keep secrets.

So what are you going to do?

Oh, I don't know. Just don't think I'm driven enough for her.

You know, I'm not ambitious enough.

No shame in that. Ambition's overrated.

On TV, and all these people reaching for the stars.

Striving to be the best. Looks exhausting.

I suppose, you know,

not being ambitious doesn't mean you have to stagnate.

It means you're not tied down.

You're free to go where the wind blows ya.

Yeah, but how does that fit in with Becky's way?

Oh, fits in perfectly, doesn't it?

I mean, Becky can be the driving force,

take you and Stan to new places,

and you'll be there to rein her in and protect her when necessary.

Christ sake, mate, where do you get these nuggets of wisdom from?

Very wise man.

Mate, can...

Mate?

It's Sophie. Hello.

-Hey.

-Sophie.

Hello, Stanley.

-You good? BOTH:

-Support the head.

Yeah. I know.

Where have you been?

Metal detecting.

Metal detecting.

Anything?

Iffies and pops.

Pot rocks and grots.

So, I just find out a few things that made me

feel even shitter than I did already.

Turns out Peter is banned from owning a metal detector in Germany.

No way.

Night hawking.

Found guilty of two counts of disturbing war graves.

Bastard. Oh, well, we weren't to know.

You knew. I just didn't listen.

Well, even if there is gold on that plane, doesn't do anything for me.

Wrong kind of gold.

You coming to the rally?

Terry's called a meeting to discuss the finer points.

No, I think I'll stay away.

Got to go home for a few days.

Yeah. When you back?

Next weekend.

-See you then?

-Yeah. Good boy.

Good luck with the rally.

Safe.

Hey.

All right?

Yeah.

Was he good?

Yeah, he had a lovely time.

Can we talk about this?

I thought we already had.

You shouldn't have read that letter.

Don't make me lose my temper.

Not when I'm dressed as a Victorian flower seller.

OK. Why are you dressed as a Victorian flower seller?

It's the school fete tomorrow. I told you. Dickens themed.

We're staying at my mum's tonight.

So when can we talk?

Some other time.

Here he is. "Teradactyl".

Sir Lancelot.

Hello, boys.

-All ready for the rally?

-Yeah, all going well, mate. Yeah.

Lost the ice cream van last minute to Framlingham Sausage Fest,

but otherwise...

And can we expect a few down, do you think?

Yeah, should be a few coming down, yeah.

Yeah, hoping to welcome some members from the Lexworth Locators.

Steve and Gladys Langley from the Uxbridge Unearthers. I know. I know.

And quite a few from the Romford Recoverers, including

Bob Cromer's widow, Ann.

Don't mention the exhumation.

Yeah, yeah. Probably still a bit raw.

However, certain people may try to infiltrate who will not be welcome.

I didn't have a picture

of those two so this will have to do.

But if you see any of these three snooping about, let me know.

-I'll handle it from there.

-Mm. Roger that.

Anyway, drinks? Same again, girls?

I'll come and help. Extra pair of hands.

Ooh!

SHE LAUGHS

Oh!

So, are we going to meet your daughter at the rally, Lance?

Afraid not.

Oh. Thought that was the idea.

Didn't you buy her a detector?

I think I might have mucked that up.

Oh, dear.

Showered her with gifts and now she's scarpered.

Oh. But wasn't she the one who found you?

Why would she then just run away?

Probably thought I was a nutter.

Rubbish.

Probably came on a bit strong.

But what you've got going for you now is that she's met you, Lance.

And you're...lovely.

So she's bound to come back when SHE's ready.

Thanks, Sheila.

I'll let her decide.

Never realised how often I'd thought about her over the last 20 years.

I know.

Imagining every day what they might be doing now.

Ha!

What they would look like?

-Yeah.

-Mm.

Exactly.

I know.

Ha. Mm.

Hello, Kate. Yeah, it's me again, Lance.

Just thought I'd leave you a message.

Um, ignore the other eight.

Especially the last one. You haven't listened to it yet, don't bother.

It's not very good.

Wasn't thinking straight.

I was sort of saying that I didn't mind

if you didn't want to see me again.

But I do mind.

Now that I've met you, I don't want to lose you.

I want to be a part of your life.

Even if it's just a tiny part.

But you don't have to call me Dad.

You can call me whatever you like.

And we don't have to go ice skating or anything together.

Won't ask about your boyfriends.

Just don't disappear.

I don't think I could stand it.

Anyway, give us a call.

Let me know everything is all right.

Yeah, OK. Bye.

So, what we've got here, ladies and gentlemen,

is the wreckage of a Second World War German Junkers JU 88

that we have managed to save from nighthawks.

Now, as you can see, we've already started to take off the top layer

so we can see what's left of the plane.

And Russell and Hugh are going to be working solely on this.

Now, the rest of you are free to wander wherever

you like within the fields clearly marked on your maps.

Well, it just remains for me to say, have a great day.

Get your coils to the soil,

enjoy your metal detecting and, by the end of the day,

may you all have danced the gold dance.

Right, come on, then.

Well, it looks like we're going to have a nice day for it.

Be nice to see everyone out detecting together.

See if their techniques have changed.

How's your swing coming along, Hugh?

All right, I think.

Mm. Well, let's see it, then.

Yeah, very nice.

You want to hunch over a bit more, though, you know.

Stoop over. Your back's too straight.

Yeah, that's better.

Well, I'll see you at lunch.

Where are you going to put it all?

Open a museum, eventually.

If I can find the right venue and funding.

The museum of sharp twisted metal.

Aviation archaeology museum.

Right.

I'll just put it my garage for now.

Your mum and dad won't mind?

I don't live with my mum and dad.

Why not?

Because I'm 32.

You're what?

32.

Years of age?

Yeah.

So why have I been buying you pints of coke all this time?

Because you never ask me if I want anything different.

I mean, why haven't you been getting a round in

every once in a while if you're 30 bloody two?

Have you got a syndrome?

What sort of syndrome?

I don't know. One that makes you look young.

No. Just look young.

32.

I feel like I've been groomed.

Sold any, Shelia?

Not yet, Lance.

How many have you got left?

127.

All our members have already bought one.

Thought they might buy a spare or a present for someone.

Mm.

Hang on. Russell isn't wearing one.

Hugh. Tell Russell to get up here and put his hand in his pocket

and buy a new fleece, would you?

He's right there.

Who's that, then?

-Terry.

-Yeah.

Terry.

Looks like we've got a visitor.

Right.

Do you want back up?

Leave this to me.

Oi! You!

You're not welcome at this rally.

You're not welcome on this site and you're not welcome in this hobby.

This is my site. I led you here.

You wouldn't even know about it if it wasn't for me.

This is not your site.

You gave up all claim on it

when you came down here the other night to rob it.

-I wasn't here the other night.

-Well, that's a lie.

Like just about everything else you said since you turned up.

The DMDC prides itself on its conduct.

We don't need people like you.

What are people like me?

Liars. Nighthawks. Scum of the earth.

Oh, we know all about you.

And what you've done.

We're all looking for gold, Terry.

The only difference is how far you're willing to go to find it.

Oh, there are more differences than that, believe me.

I don't do this to get rich.

-Really?

-Really.

And why are you digging this site?

There's no gold in this plane. Why would there be?

Whoever convinced you that there was made a fool of ya.

You're the ones that did the digging.

Saved me from the hard work. Thanks.

Time to move on.

You won't get far.

Mate.

What?

-Hello.

-Hello.

So...this is it.

You all get together in the middle of a field to look for bits of metal

and the one who finds the best bit of metal is the winner.

Sort of. Yeah.

It's not usually like this.

Detectorists are usually solitary animals.

It's only at certain times of the year

they gather together in vast herds.

It's one of the wonders of the natural world.

I'm sorry I ran away.

I'm sorry I scared you away.

It wasn't you. It was just...

I know.

So, what are you going to do?

I am going to fix things with Mum.

Yeah.

But I'll come back and I'll open a present each time I do.

Might take you a long time.

We've got a long time.

Just, for God's sake, don't buy any more.

There is one present you should open now.

What is THAT?

A football.

Dah-dah!

Hope it's the right size.

Yeah, thank you. I love it.

They only had it one colour.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Thanks.

Mate. This is Kate. It's my daughter.

-Hi, Kate.

-Hello. I've heard a lot about you.

-Yeah?

-Yeah, horrible things.

Don't listen to him. He's an idiot.

Have you found anything?

Just canslaw.

What's canslaw?

It's like coleslaw but made out of drinking cans.

You're kidding me.

No, there's a whole vocabulary for you to learn. Brand-new world.

Be all right on your own?

On my own?

Well, I was just going to go off and show Kate how to use her detector.

Oh, yeah, see what you mean. Yeah, of course. Yeah.

I've got to go pick up Stan, so if I leave now, I can get a lift.

Oh, you're not staying for the prizes at the end of the day?

Nah. I'll see you later. Nice to meet you, Kate.

And you. So, how's this work then, Dad?

Well, once you get it unwrapped, you'll find there's

a couple of dials at the top.

INDISTINCT CONVERSATION

Keep it low. You're doing well.

-One-nil up.

-Yes!

-Off metal detecting?

-Just been.

-Oh. Find anything?

-Are you interested?

Not really.

Right, well, thanks for everything.

What are you going to do?

About this Africa thing.

I don't know.

-What do you want?

-I just want to protect my family.

So, protect them.

I don't know how to protect them in Africa.

You'll figure it out.

There are more ways of protecting them than wrapping them

in cotton wool.

It's up to you. I don't think she'll go without you, though.

Like she's threatening.

-No?

-No. She loves you. Don't ask me why.

I always thought you were a sad sack,

but Becky's seen something in you

and she's far cleverer than me.

For a start, she knows you're a good dad. She never had a good dad.

She can't look after Stanley on her own.

If you're not prepared to follow her on her whims and adventures,

then you're just going to have to tame her.

I don't want to tame her.

Good. Cos I wouldn't fancy your chances.

Becky, I'm outside the school, can you come out?

'Why can't you come in?'

I don't want to come in. I'm dressed in modern day clothes.

-Everyone will look at me.

-'I've been thinking about Africa.'

-No, no.

-'I've decided...'

-Let me say.

-'..you don't have to go.'

-I've made up my mind.

-'Yes. And you're right.'

-No, Becky, I want to go.

-No.

-I want to go. I was wrong.

-I don't want to go. I'm so sorry.

-If we don't do it now then we never will.

-It was a stupid idea.

-We have to do it.

-No, I don't want to go.

-It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

-Stan's too young.

-No. No.

-It'll tear us apart.

-It'll bring us closer together.

-You were right.

-I was wrong. Honestly, Becky, we need to do this.

-Let's go and have an adventure. You, me and Stan.

-Really? Oh, God. Now I don't know.

We have to do it.

I've got no idea what to expect but I'm going to give it a try.

OK.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

There's just one problem.

I was supposed to have accepted the job by yesterday.

Oh, oh, it's all right.

You accepted the job on my behalf.

-Just in case.

-Unbelievable.

What happened?

-I spoke to your mum.

-What did she say? Oh, God, I don't want to know.

What did she say?

She said you loved me.

You love me too.

Come on. They're playing Catch The Greasy Pig in the field.

Playing what?

Catch The Greasy Pig.

-What's that?

-It's a Victorian thing.

You smear a pig in Vaseline and then you run around trying to catch it.

You serious?

Yeah. It's hilarious. Mr Boxhall just fell flat on his arse.

SHE LAUGHS

-Isn't that a bit cruel?

-No. He was laughing.

I meant for the pig.

CHATTER ON POLICE RADIO

So, you're all sorted? Visas and stuff, jabs?

All done. Ready to go.

I've done nothing. Becky's done it all.

You do surprise me.

So I've decided I'm going to do it. It's time.

Put my money where my mouth is.

-Yeah?

-Yep. It's time.

How do you go about that, then?

Well, first off, you submit an online application,

pretty extensive questions.

You want to get that right. Increase your chances.

Exactly. Spend some time on that.

And you're going to do it?

Yep.

Imagine.

I know.

You on Mastermind.

Yeah.

Do you think your feet will reach the ground in that chair?

Won't matter. Only focus on the face.

And what would your chosen specialised subject be?

Well, you have to pick three. One for each round.

It's pretty tough.

I'm thinking British birds not including seagulls.

No seagulls.

Nah, not interested in seagulls.

Can you do that?

Don't know. Can't do the life and career of Linda Lusardi.

No, that's a bit creepy.

Why would it be creepy?

Well, wouldn't it come across a bit sinister knowing every

detail about one woman's life?

Well, a bloke did Virginia Woolf last week.

It's hardly the same.

Who will you talk bollocks at while I'm in Africa?

Just keep talking bollocks.

Half the time, I'm not even bothered if you're listening.

That's good. Half the time, I'm not.

Here she is.

Anything?

Nah.

So they caught him. Did you hear?

Yeah. Good.

So, you're actually going, then?

Yeah, looks like it.

Jealous.

You'll be doing the same sort of thing in a couple of years.

Will you e-mail?

Doubt it.

All right. I'll see you in a year, then.

You can tell me all about it.

OK.

Right here. In exactly a year.

-Deal.

-Pub?

Go on, then.

ECHOING HORSE WHINNY

FLEETING RUSTLE OF HOOVES

Did you hear that?

Hear what?

Horses.

No.

I thought I heard horses.

You coming?

Yeah.

Wait a minute.

BEEPING

What you got?

56. A bit iffy.

It's just junk, mate. Leave it.

MACHINE WHOOPS

Wait a sec.

Ah. I've got a feeling.

-You've always got a feeling.

-Yeah.

When in doubt, dig it out.

Mate, it's probably just another ring pull.

What if it's not just another ring pull?

BEEPING

Ooh.

YE-EEAH!