Episode 6 Detectorists

This programme contains some strong language

What you got?

Bloody hell.

-Is that?

-Blimey, mate.

Let me see.

That is beautiful.

ANDY LAUGHS

Is that what I think it is?

It's ruddy spearhead, mate.

It's in incredible condition.

Medieval?

Well, earlier, I'd say, I don't know.

-Could it be Roman?

-Unbelievable.

You got some water to clean it?

Er...

Well, there's a water tank over there.

HE LAUGHS

No, I knew there was something fishy going on.

You bloody liar. You nearly wet yourself.

You said it was in incredible condition.

Well, exactly. It was the condition told me something was wrong.

There was no age to it.

God, I wish I hadn't seen the railings,

then I'd still have a spearhead.

Well, now you know how it feels to have your treasure snatched

away so cruelly from right under your nose.

Feels like crap.

Wait a minute.

It's the same, isn't it?

-What's the same as what?

-The same as me losing my gold coin.

Not even nearly the same.

That's a sign, a clue.

Are you building up to one of your bits of mystic wisdom?

There's something about karma going on.

Not going to get in any book of quotations with that, mate.

ANDY EXHALES

The thing is, we have to redress the balance.

Get our own back on those idiots.

It's all a question of karma.

When I think about karma I see it as a good thing.

Like if you do something nice something nice will happen to you.

But you see it as a tool for revenge.

Well, what do you suggest?

Just let them on the land, for God's sake. Let everyone in.

Get a band. Have a festival.

You lose the farm in a few days anyway, don't you?

Yeah, but what if one of them finds my hoard?

Then at least it will have been found.

Anyway, I thought you said his detector was an antique.

It is. It's a twat's detector.

There you go again, being mean.

Stop being a bully.

Just play nicely with the other detectorists

and then nice things will start to happen.

Woohoo! My very own ship!

-It's a boat.

-No. I've upgraded it. Today it's a ship.

Come on, Dad.

Here.

Here you are.

I don't know if I, er...

Oh, Dad, please just have a glass of wine.

Yeah.

Water looks a bit choppy today.

It's like a mirror, what are you talking about? It'll be fine.

Here.

-Cheers!

-Cheers!

-GLASSES CLINK

Cheers.

See, it's not so bad, is it?

No. Not so bad.

Look at these two, Mum.

BECKY LAUGHS

Do you see what they're making?

A house.

Well, it's the house we went to see.

He can't stop thinking about it.

He needs a place of his own.

I know.

He's been making homes for hedgehogs and putting up bat boxes.

Some sort of nesting instinct kicking in.

When's the auction?

Sunday.

-Are you thinking of going along?

-I don't know what else to do.

He's got it in his head we're going to win it.

I'm worried when we don't it's going to hit him hard.

This is a big moment for me,

because as you all know I have been working on this

for a long time.

And there were moments on the journey

when I was quite despairing of ever getting this far.

And there is only one person to thank for getting me through those

dark days and that is, of course, my own darling Sheila, without whom...

Oh, come on, Terry, just show us, never mind the speeches.

We all know how great Sheila is.

Yeah, come on, have you got her there? Let's have a look.

Let me just explain that this only the proof copy.

The actual finished product will have a much better...

Just show us!

Terry Cloth, Terry Cloth, Terry Cloth!

THEY ALL CHANT

Yeah, yeah. All right, all right, all right, all right.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you

Common Buttons of North West Essex by Terence Seymour.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

ANDY WHISTLES

Woo!

I'm not expecting to make the New York Times best seller list, obviously.

Would be nice, but, erm...

Well, the Co-op on Emsdale Road say they're

going to stock a few copies, so we'll take it from there, see how it goes.

What's the print run on this, Terry?

An initial print run of 45.

-Thousand?

-No, 45.

So, there'll be one for each of you

and a bunch left over the for the general public.

-Will you sign mine?

-Certainly will, young Hugh.

In fact I'll probably sign all the first editions.

Could you leave mine blank then? It'll be worth more.

He could be the next JK Rowling.

Well, I doubt it'll spawn a movie franchise and a theme park, darling.

Button World.

I'd go.

Mmm. Yeah, it does sound like a good day out, admittedly.

Speaking of a good day out, Lance and I have got a proposition.

You know we're losing our permission on Monday, well

we've decided it's time to open it up.

Get everyone down there for the last day and blitz the place.

See what there is to be found before it's covered over.

About bloody time. What, you think there's still more to find?

Who knows, Terry, but we could do with your help.

Well, it's going to be a nice day on Sunday.

It is. Yeah.

And guess what I took delivery of this very morning?

-What?

-Brand spanking new gazebo.

-How big?

-Three metres by nine.

-Phew!

-Bring it along, Terrilium,

and we can stick the finds table underneath.

You could shift a few books.

Well, you heard the man. These boys need our help.

Full turnout, no excuses.

There is just one thing.

We may not be the only ones there.

Bloody hell. This is grim.

We-e-elly, welly, well, well, well.

Look who's come crawling back.

I can't do this.

Wait.

Look who it is. It's the Danebury Metal Detecting Club.

HE LAUGHS

-That is our name.

-I know.

You were saying it like you were making up some funny name for us.

Oh, if I were to make up a funny name for you it would be a

hell of a lot funnier than that, believe you me.

Would it?

Oh, yes.

You said you could get a preservation order put on that tree.

Mmm, well that's the trick, isn't it?

Tree preservation orders don't just...

..materialise. We have made quite clear our demands.

Nice to see you apply the same ethics to your bat

conservation as you do to your metal detecting.

You're not interested in bats.

Why do you want to save that tree?

And what have you found in that field that you're guarding it

so closely?

Well, if you help us we'll tell you.

We can detect on the field?

For one day. The last day before we lose it.

The entire field, just the two of us, for the whole day?

Now, that we cannot agree to.

This time we're going to do it properly. No more sneaking about.

We're going to hold a rally with a £5 entrance fee, and at the end

of the day we'll donate that money to your bat conservation charity.

If you can save that tree.

-What, a proper organised rally?

-Yeah.

That's the deal, and we'll get the County Finds Liaison Officer

down to record everything so it's all above board.

Take it or leave it. That's our final offer.

Will there be a barbecue? I heard sometimes they have a barbecue.

Er... Well...

Yeah, if the weather's nice.

And will there be a...gazebo?

There will be a gazebo, yeah. Terry's got a new gazebo.

A new one? Well, we can maybe come down early and help set that up.

You could if you wanted.

The thing is, er...

-We're not, um...

-We haven't got.

What is it?

We're not currently members of the National Council

for Metal Detecting.

Oh. I see.

It's been tough the last few years with...

After the, er, the troubles...

..it's been very difficult to get references.

Well, I guess we could make you honorary DMDC members for the day?

Mmm. Don't see why not.

Oh! Well, that would be nice.

I mean, that sounds good.

-HE COUGHS

-Paul, can you...?

Oh, do you, do you need a little tissue?

Yes, please.

Help yourself.

Yes, thanks.

And definitely no-one can touch it?

Not for six months. By which time you'll have bats in your boxes.

You said there was going to be a rally.

Is there still going to be a rally?

Here they come.

APPROACHING ENGINES

I'll see you in a minute, darling.

I hear you're good with gazebos?

Well, it's been a while.

No matter. We can always use a hand.

Hurry up, now, we've got a gazebo to erect.

And we don't have all day to do it.

And strut joint E to strut B...

Up.

ALL GRUNT

Steady!

Lance.

Oh! Thank you, Sheila.

Glorious day to be here, as we say farewell to a long loved

and, I understand, recently productive permission.

Thank you to Lance and Andy for opening it up for us all.

And welcome to our new friends, Paul and Phil.

APPLAUSE

Chaps, what can you tell us?

Thank you, Terrilee.

Well, folks, we think we've got a Roman burial,

or the remains thereof.

We found parts of a cremation urn,

parts of another pot and various contemporary artefacts, including

the infamous gold Septimius Severus, which was found on this very spot.

Yeah, mainly concentrated in this area here, up this end,

but Roman coming up all over this field and beyond, so...

So, loads of land to choose from, ladies and gents.

Coils to the soil, have a great day's detecting.

CHEERING

Guys, guys, can we spread out a bit?

Guys?

GUYS!

GUYS! Look...

Can we all spread out a bit? Look at yourselves. Come on.

Move out a bit. Come on. Shoo! Go on. Yee-ha! Go on!

Yee-ha! Go on, get out!

Ah. I knew you wouldn't be able to resist.

I thought I'd better come and see what it's all about,

find out what I'm sharing you with.

Well, prepare to be transported into a world of wonder and adventure.

Righto! Have you found anything?

Hey, Toni, how's it going?

Mate, I've left my stuff up by the tree, I'll be back in an hour.

-Don't find anything.

-Where are you going?

Just nipping off to buy a house. You need anything?

Uh, no, you're OK. Cheers.

Oh! Decide on your price and stick to it.

So, with the money from your car that's 15 grand, we've got, tops?

Yep.

All right. We'll just see how it goes.

If we get it, we get it. If not...

-Yeah.

-Let me do the bidding.

-Really?

-Yeah, I know how to do it.

You hold up the card to raise the bid a £1,000

and then you do that to raise it 500.

You think you can handle it?

I don't mean to brag, darling, but I've been watching these

programmes for years while you've been at work.

I think I know what I'm doing.

-Have you got the card?

-What card?

The card with the number on that you wave to bid.

Where do we get the card?

I don't think we need that card.

Are you sure? The ones on YouTube usually have a card.

They've all got cards, I knew it.

Excuse me, are we supposed to have a card with a number on it?

To wave?

Lot 3, bid up set stock property 6565663H, 1930s

mini terraced cottagette.

-What was that?

-Shh. Ours is the one after this.

Just watch and see how they do it..

A lot of excitement in the room, a lot of excitement on the phones.

And, so, twin contracts of ownership, rental guidelines,

pertaining of potential under clauses pending.

Agents charges come under Section 17, Part 3 but merges

and contractors can waive the severance in person within 21 days.

So, what have we got? Start me over if you like?

There, now there?

What's he saying?

Get me going. Where you going to be?

Am I going to find you?

Can you feel my eye? Draw it to you. Make me an opener?

Somebody? 45 I have, thank you very much, sir.

Do I see a 46? 46 I see. Do I see 47?

May I say 48? 48 for you now. Is it 49?

49, 49, 49, 49, 49. No, do I have 49?

49, I have, 50?

50 I'm bid. Fresh bid. Do I have 51? 51 I have, 51, 52,

53, 54, 55,

56, 57. 57, 57, I'm selling at £57,000.

One, twice, three times, sold. Thank you.

Moving on.

What even was that? Jesus. It's not like this on Property Lottery.

INSISTENT BEEPING

HE BLOWS

Nice button.

Welsh Guards. 2nd Infantry.

Next I have a bid locked stock trot

4412D, Totterdown cottage.

Oh, this is it, this is us.

Is it? I don't understand a word he's saying, I honestly don't.

Keep calm, concentrate.

Customer starting block? Put it up?

You hear tick, tick, ticking.

Are you forward, are you aft?

Thank you very much, £15,000 I'm bid. Do I hear £16,000 anywhere?

No? No 16? £15,000 then, any more?

No more bids at £15,000? 15 and a half.

Fresh bid. Thank you very much. Now, do I hear 16? 16 I have.

Do we hear 17, sir?

16 and a half, sir? Very well.

I'm selling at £16,000 for the first, second and third time.

And fresh bid, £17,000 at the back of the room there.

Thank you very much, madam. 18, do I hear 18?

18, 19, 20,

21, 22, 23, 24.

Do I hear 25? 25? No, the bid is £24,000 at the back of the room.

Any advance on £24,000?

Selling once, twice and £30,000, a fresh bid on the phone there.

Do we hear 35, madam? 35 I have.

Oh, 40 on the phone. And 45 I have.

50 on the phone. Do I hear 55, madam?

Thank you very much. All out on the phone.

Any more bids in the room before I sell to this lady

at the back of the room for £55,000?

Selling, once, twice, three times and sold.

Thank you very much. And moving on.

What have you done?

It's all right.

They'll send people round.

-They'll take us down.

-It's all right, Andy.

-We'll go to prison.

-Andy.

You'll go to prison.

My mum's going to lend us the money. I've got it here.

THEY BREATHE HEAVILY

Well, why didn't you fucking tell me? I nearly passed out.

It's ours, Andy. We won it.

BECKY LAUGHS

-I can't feel my legs.

-Oh!

Come on then, I dare you.

Let's swap for an hour.

Huh! All right.

Now, you're going to have to be careful, cos this is going to be

like a Formula 1 racing car, you're not going to be used to the power.

Honestly, look at this ridiculous thing.

I mean, it does everything for you.

You don't feel like you have any control.

Hang on, hang on, hang on. Where do you shovel in the coal?

I'm assuming this is steam driven?

And what's this? You've got spoons mode?

It's a bit specific, isn't it?

Well, not if you're searching in an old cutlery dump, it isn't.

See, the Arado, it's, it's sleek, elegant, minimalist.

This is vulgar like, like a monster truck.

What year is this?

It's an original. 1978.

-Is it really?

-Mm-hmm.

Is it? Oh. Same as my Triumph.

Yeah.

Ah! Ha-ha!

HE INHALES

Mmm, yeah, there it is.

1978, well I never.

Unmistakable. A good year?

It'll be 40 soon.

The big 4-0.

Here.

I, er... I might have to take a little photograph of 'em together later.

I like the way your mind ticks.

ART LAUGHS

SHE BLOWS

-How are your legs?

-Yeah, still a bit trembly.

BECKY LAUGHS

Oh, there's Toni looking bored, you go.

-I love you.

-I love you!

Hurry up and find some gold, we've never been skinter.

Hey, mate!

-MUFFLED:

-Mate, I'm a home o...

What, mate? All I got was - you're a homo.

Home OWNER. I'm a home owner.

No way, mate? You won it?

Bloody won it.

Oh, congratulations. With 12 grand?

Well, no, we, we had to go over.

Ah. Who did the bidding, you?

Yeah, yeah, me, yeah.

-With the little card?

-All of that, you know.

THEY LAUGH

Well, nice one, mate, congratulations.

Hang on a sec, what's going on? What's that?

Oh, yeah, I'm trying it out. My idea.

You know what, it's not half bad.

That's embarrassing. Leave you alone for a couple of hours.

Simple, but effective.

Well, a good day, all.

No gold, unfortunately, despite the earlier false alarm.

Yes, sorry, shouldn't have done that dance.

Oh-ho. I am all for dancing, Paul,

as any of these people will tell you.

But in the field we only dance for gold.

I didn't expect everybody to run towards me like that.

TERRY LAUGHS

No, as I say, no gold,

and I feel we've found all there is to be found.

And if there was a grave here, I think, unfortunately,

it has been lost to time and the plough.

And with that, I suggest we all retire to the Two Brewers,

where the first round is most definitely on me.

APPLAUSE

Come on then. Race you.

Are you coming?

Yeah. I was just going to, erm...

Ah...

Do you need a moment alone?

-Do you mind?

-Would you mind?

So, that's it then? Wasn't meant to be?

Nope, not this time.

What do we do now?

Find a new permission. Carry on, mate.

Got to keep searching.

I don't know why we do it.

No? I do.

I thought you probably would.

Time travel.

Go on.

Metal detecting is the closest you'll get to time travel.

See, archaeologists, they gather up the facts,

piece the jigsaw together, work out how we lived

and find the buildings we lived in, but what we do is...

That's different.

We unearth the scattered memories, mine for stories,

fill in the personality.

Detectorists.

We're time travellers.

Yeah, all right. I'll give you that one.

Pub?

Go on, then.

ENGINE TURNS OVER

MUSIC: Detectorists by Johnny Flynn

# Will you search the lonely Earth for me

# Climb through the briar and bramble

# I'll be your treasure... #

COINS FALL AND JINGLE

# I felt the touch of the kings and the breath of the wind

# I knew the call of all the song birds

# They sang all the wrong words

# I'm waiting for you

# I'm waiting for you

# Mm-mm-mm-mm

# Mm-mm-mm-mm

# Would you drift all the rolling fields for me

# Hoard me in the highest bough

# I'll be your treasure

# But in history's rhyme there's a place and a time

# And a truth to the gold that the folds cannot hold

# I'm waiting for you

# I'm waiting for you. #