Episode 5 Detectorists

They're in that same spot again.

I've definitely found something.

There's something going on.

Is it ready?

Lights on.

Right.

Give me the control.

All right. Gently does it.

I'm lifting off in-a three, two, one.

Up she goes.

How do you make it steady,

stop it going up?

Just let go of the joystick.

Still going up.

Yep. Just try flicking it down.

Still going up, is it?

Yep.

Yeah, that's really high now. How high is it supposed to go?

Well, how am I supposed to know? It's not responding.

How do you make it come down?

Here, let me see.

-Can you see it?

-Only just.

No. No, I'm losing it. It's gone.

No... Yeah, yeah, there.

No.

No, I can't see it.

IRONICALLY: Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant!

So, that's it, is it?

It just keeps going until it's in orbit?

HE SIGHS HEAVILY

How long do the batteries last?

20 minutes.

I thought you said you could fly one of these things?

I never said that.

Well, why did you keep letting it go up?

I was trying everything. It just wasn't responding.

It just kept going up and up and up.

Well, you can tell that to the insurance company.

-Why me?

-Because, Paul, you're the one I thought said

could fly one of these things.

CRASH! BOTH: Whoa!

Did you see QI this week?

Yeah.

Never thought I'd say this but I think I prefer Toksvig to Fry.

Controversial.

Well, don't you think she is better?

I'm not prepared to stick my neck out that far, mate.

She's certainly doing a good job.

Big shoes to fill, literally.

Why literally?

Stephen Fry has got big feet.

But she doesn't literally have to wear his shoes.

-Well, actually, they've got a rule. They...

-Who's this?

All right?

-Morning.

-Metal detectors, are you?

You could say that.

Are you one of them? One of the solar people.

Tree clearance. Getting rid of nuisance trees.

That's quite a slogan.

Your life must be filled with joy.

Eh?

Nothing. Not getting rid of this one, though.

Yeah, this one's going. Yeah.

What? Why?

What nuisance is this one causing?

Shadow.

One small patch?

Yeah, you see, the sun, see, it travels through the sky

and that patch covers half an acre in a day.

That's a lot of sunlight all wasted on a tree. See ya.

That's depressing.

Shouldn't we do something about it?

Like what? Save the tree?

Well, shouldn't we?

I mean, we don't want the tree to be cut down.

-No.

-So we should probably try and save it.

So how do you save a tree?

Well, traditionally, you chain yourself to it, don't you?

One of us chains ourself to the tree and the other one goes

and gets the press.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Yes, it's a bit embarrassing.

Yeah.

Bat box.

What's that?

Bat box is what we need to save that tree.

Whack a bat box up there, bats start roosting.

Boom. They can't touch it.

Yeah?

Yeah. It's the same as great crested newts.

You can have a muddy puddle, essentially,

but as soon as one of those slippery bastards rocks up,

it becomes a Site of Special Scientific Interest.

Scourge of the developer.

All right, well, you should get on to that, then.

Build a bat box.

Uh. Maybe I will.

Oh, I wish I had a shed.

Oh, yeah. Sorry, mate. I forgot.

What did you do with your tools?

Well, they're in crates in the garage going rusty.

What, you mean you didn't wipe

'em down with an oily rag before you put 'em away?

Well, yeah, obviously. I was being dramatic.

Oh.

I see.

What you got?

Carpet stair rod holder.

Yeah. I've had a couple of them.

Must have been a flight of stairs here somewhere.

Hello?

Toni?

Hi, Kate. What are you doing here?

I don't know which is the front door.

Come down this end.

Oh, don't I need to say something?

Like, to be invited on board.

You're thinking of vampires.

Oh.

Ooh!

Oops. Thanks.

-This place is amazing.

-Thanks. It was my grandparents'.

No way. How long have you lived on it?

-About three years.

-And it makes my dad heave.

He hasn't even got this far.

He doesn't even like looking at it from dry land.

You know he's only ever seen the sea once.

-He told me that.

-Don't expect beach holidays.

I'm not expecting anything.

I'm going to move out of my dad's flat.

I'm going to find my own place.

-Why? He likes you being there.

-Yeah, I know.

That's why I've stayed so long.

He's afraid I'm going to disappear again,

which is I haven't told him yet.

So why are you telling me?

I just want you to know that I won't be around all the time.

I won't be in your way.

You've never been in my way. That's not fair, Kate.

Don't do anything on my account, because I don't even know

if your dad and I are still seeing each other.

Please don't break up with my dad. He thinks the world of you.

-Kate...

-He let Maggie stay because he's a kind and decent guy.

-Did he send you here?

-Yeah.

He said, "Nip down and tell Toni that I'm a kind and decent guy."

No, of course not.

I just felt bad because I'm the one who let her in the flat.

I didn't know who she was.

Look, Kate. I... I don't want to discuss it with you.

Your dad and I will either sort it out or we won't

but I don't need advice or character references, thanks.

I know he's a decent guy, that's why I'm going out with him.

So you've not broken up?

Shut up, please! I don't want to talk about it with you.

I feel like I'm back at sixth form talking about boyfriends.

I'm too old for this.

All right. I'll back off.

I've said my bit.

I just worry about him, you know?

I know.

Huh! I love your ship.

It's a boat, really.

I love it. I'll see ya.

Steve, can I find a safe home for this?

What's that, a porcupine?

Porcupine? You serious? It's a hedgehog.

I thought hedgehogs were flat.

The squashed, dead ones are flat. The live ones are...spherical.

All right, Richard Attenborough.

It's David.

Oh, I'm sorry. Been calling you Andy.

INDISTINCT VOICES

Grab this for me, mate?

Oh, sorry, mate. I'm not actually...

Come on! It's killing me.

Hello.

Hey.

What's in the crate?

Please step away from the crate.

Kate came to see me, did she tell you?

To your place? What for?

To tell me what a swell prince of a guy you are.

I'm not that great.

That's what I said.

-She come aboard?

-Yep.

-Did she puke?

-No.

-Turn a pallid yellow?

-No.

Not hereditary, then.

The reason I let Maggie stay was cos

I don't have any feelings for her anymore.

I could just treat her as a guest, but with you,

I'd want it to be just us.

OK. That's quite sweet.

Yeah? Shall I go on?

See what happens.

Well, that was it, really.

Kate's got her own room. She wouldn't disturb us.

Well, that's not it, is it?

I mean, the thing is, would we disturb her?

Huh?

You know?

Not really.

Well, it's a question of acoustics.

Acoustics?

Oh, God, you know, soundproofing.

The thought of Kate hearing any goings-on.

Don't laugh.

It's hard enough as it is, you know what I mean, it's awkward.

So what are you thinking, egg boxes?

I was thinking egg boxes, actually,

cos there's a stack of 'em in the warehouse.

Big sheets of 'em.

I...I can't tell her to leave. I just can't do it.

You know what?

I think she might be ready to go but she thinks you'll be upset.

What makes you think that?

She told me.

She told me she was going to start looking for a place of her own.

Where? Here?

Oh, close by. Yeah.

Oh, well, that's... that's different.

I mean, if she wants to,

I mean, I just didn't want it to come from me, but...

I could help her to look for a place, if it's around here,

she doesn't have much stuff, she doesn't need much space.

And then what?

You could move in, if you want.

OK. Do you want?

I do.

I'm not selling my boat, though.

You don't have to.

I'll be able to find a tenant, although it is very small.

Well, you know, let's see if Kate can find somewhere for herself

and then you could advertise for a tenant.

That's probably the obvious thing to do.

Yes. Yes, I think so.

Cheers, Ray.

PHONE VIBRATES

Phone!

The thing is, there's this house.

I found this house and I think it could be amazing.

-Who's that?

-Da-da.

-Hello?

The thing is there's this house.

Are you on your way back? You on the way home?

I found this house and I think it could be amazing.

Andy?

I found this amazing place.

-Andy?

-I've found a house. I found a house.

Let's listen to Daddy talking to himself.

I found this house, Becky. I found this...

Becky, I found a house. I've...

I've found this house and I think it could be within our means.

There's a lot of work to do on it but I could do the work myself.

In fact, I think that's what I want to do.

The only thing is I've quit my job.

I have to tell you at this point, though, Becky...

Not at this point, it's stupid.

I have to come clean, Becky. I quit my job.

Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

Hello?

VOICE ECHOES ON PHONE

Anybody home?

What?

VOICE ECHOES ON PHONE

Hello?

Have a nice day?

And my mum knew?

Yeah.

That doesn't make it all right.

-Half makes it all right.

-No, it doesn't.

You wait till you see this house. That will make it all right.

-So tell me what it's like.

-No.

I want to know your first impression.

But you have to imagine what it could be,

so don't look at the holes in the roof or the broken window.

So my second impression?

Yeah. I want to know your second impression.

How can we afford a house?

It's an auction and there's no reserve,

so we just take what we've got and bid what we can afford.

We haven't got anything.

We've got some savings.

Andy, we've got ten grand.

That buys a deposit on a flat, not a three-bedroom cottage in

half an acre of land.

Well, if you don't try, we'll never know.

You're a dreamer.

You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.

-I hope some day...

-I get it.

Imagine.

Oh, Andy, what have you fallen in love with?

It's beautiful, isn't it? I mean, it could be.

Who's going to do the work? You?

Yeah.

-Single-handed?

-Single-handed, baby. That's what I want to do.

I'll be a full-time hobbyist.

I'll take Stan to school, I'll pick him up

and in-between I'll build us a house with roses round the door.

I haven't seen you so enthused since we got back from Africa.

So, what? You'd give up archaeology?

Yeah. For a couple of years, I would.

And then I'll have time to fix the shingles, I'll have time to fix

the door, I'll have time to oil the hinges and to mend the windows...

Shut up! I get it. Go and find Stan.

There could be bear traps or a hidden well.

I'd pay extra for a hidden well.

Bucket it! Bucket it!

So, you been to an auction before?

No, I but I see 'em every day on TV.

Homes Under The Hammer, Property Lottery, Auctions-Auctions-Auctions.

You got the Auctions Channel?

No.

Well, all you need is confidence.

Exactly.

So, how much cash you got?

About 12 grand.

Bloody hell. Well, you're going to need more than confidence, then.

Here, you fancy moving on to a houseboat?

Well, that would be a brilliant move with a two-year-old.

Toni's looking for a tenant so she can move in with me.

-Yeah?

-Hmm. So if you hear of anyone looking for somewhere.

What about Kate?

Good idea. Yeah. I'll ask her if she knows anyone.

Wait a minute! I've come up with an even better idea.

-I am a genius.

-Go on.

Kate could move on to the narrowboat and they could do a straight swap.

That is a good idea. I wish I'd thought of that.

Yeah. Yeah.

She doesn't get seasick like me, doesn't have much stuff

and she loves the boat.

Like, I say, I wish I'd thought of that.

Housing problem fixed.

It looks like I've come up with the perfect solution.

Couldn't come up with a few grand for me, could you?

Yeah. We just gotta find it. A pot of gold.

We've got a week.

Oh, bollocks. We're too late.

They've sealed it off.

Damn!

They must have come some time after we left.

If only we got here before they put this up.

Ah, well. At least we tried.

Hang on.

What?

There's no-one around for miles.

What you saying?

I don't know. It's just...

Oh, nothing, nothing.

No, go on. What are you thinking?

I reckon I could get under that tape.

What, you...?

I know, you're right. It's stupid.

No.

No, I reckon you're on to something.

Keep watch.

Done?

Felt good, didn't it, being an activist?

We were like ninjas, environmental ninjas.

Yeah. So, when do the bats turn up?

I don't know, tonight?

Oh, well, you reckon they'll move straight in?

I haven't really thought about it.

I suppose it takes a while, doesn't it, for them to find the boxes?

Oh, here we are, look. 24-hour bat helpline.

Shut up, there isn't.

There bloody is, look. Bat Action Trust.

"After hours our calls are redirected to bat volunteers."

Do it.

Hello. Er...

I'm on hold.

Busy time.

Oh, it's ringing.

-INTERFERENCE IN HEADPHONES

-Ah!

Paul, turn your phone off. Paul!

Can you switch your phone to airplane mode, please?

It's interfering with my Arado.

PHONE VIBRATES

Hello? 24-hour bat helpline. How can I help?

Oh, yes.

I've got a bat question for you, uh, a bat query for you.

Oh, I'll certainly do my best to help.

What's the nature of your bat enquiry?

Yeah. Well, basically, we've installed a bat box.

How soon can we expect the bats to turn up?

Well, ideally, you want to plant some wild flowers that will attract

the insects and invertebrates upon which the bats feed,

or, as we like to say, provide bed and breakfast.

Oh, yeah, bed and breakfast.

Yeah, we haven't got time for any of that, so...

what's the quickest we could expect them to...

What's the world record?

Can you hurry up, please?

It's the bat phone.

Well, why has it come through to you?

I'm further up the list than you are.

Yep. Well, it's entirely possible the bats may have already used

the tree to roost.

Look, I got a missed call. It's supposed to be for me.

Let me speak to him.

And where's this tree situated?

Let me speak to him.

But that's...

Hello, there. Bat Action Trust.

24-hour bat helpline. You're through to Philip Peters.

Sorry about that.

A bit of a mix-up with the old switchboard.

You're now through to a more senior member. Hello?

Uh, nobody there.

What? No. What?

You're not telling us that you two are the...the bat man.

Oh, I see. Another hoax call, is it?

You pull that stunt with one of the other emergency services,

you get arrested.

Come on, Paul.

No.

Pardon?

No, Phil. This looks real.

I think these guys need our help.

Let me see your bat credentials.

It's genuine.

Where's this tree?

Back up there.

-Could be bats there already.

-Yeah?

-Yeah. A good area for bats.

-How do we find out?

I'll have to come back, bring my detector.

Bat detector?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. The...the...the...

hold on.

Found a way we can be useful to you, have we?

Oh, here we go.

What do we get out of it?

-What do you mean?

-You get to save a tree.

The Bat Action Trust...

Oh, BAT, I just got that.

Oh, that's clever. Is that another one of yours?

The Bat Action Trust gives Paul and I the authority to slap

a temporary preservation order on any tree we want,

providing, of course, we both agree that it is of special interest.

So, I shall ask again, what do we get out of it?

What do you want?

We want that field.

Sly bastards.

We can't.

Oh... I couldn't stand it.

Imagine if he was to find the rest of my hoard with his crappy Arado.

No. I'd rather nobody found it.

Well, nobody will have a chance in a week.

Maybe it's time to open it up, get everybody down here,

next weekend before we lose it.

Oh, I don't know.

A week to find it, mate.

Oh, I know it's there.

Under our feet.

Under the lonely earth, waiting for us.

FLASK KNOCKS AGAINST TREE

JANGLING ABOVE