Episode 4 Detectorists

This programme contains some strong language.

LOUD PEEING

# Will you search through the lonely earth for me

# Climb through the briar and bramble

# I'll be your treasure

# I'm waiting for you

# I'm waiting for you... #

Morning.

You sleep at all?

No, I needed a wee most of the night, but I was too scared.

Of what?

I don't know. Ghosts, I think, or a wolf.

-You check the spot?

-Yeah.

-Anything?

-Nah.

There's definitely more. That's why they're watching.

I figured it out.

-Who's watching what?

-I figured it out in the night.

The magpies have been watching this spot for centuries.

Successive generations of them.

The magpies know there's more down there.

You sound a bit mystical.

No. Makes sense.

-Magpies love shiny things.

-Yeah, but they don't pass stories

-to their kids and grandkids.

-How do you know?

Might be some sort of collective genetic memory.

Do you want a cup of tea?

How do I catch a magpie?

Alive?

Yeah.

With utmost difficulty, mate.

You reckon?

Are you joking? What are your ideas?

-What's top of your list of ways to catch a live magpie?

-A net.

What kind of net?

A big one. Like a landing net.

What, and just creep up on it?

Sit in a hide. Put bait out.

Good luck with that.

What are you going to do once you've caught it? Interrogate it?

I reckon that they're hoarding it all in one place, the gold coins.

So if we could catch a magpie and attach a tracking device or a

camera, get it to take another coin and we could watch where it goes.

I think you might have a urine infection, mate.

You held on to it for too long.

Well, well,

I have to try.

You going up the club Monday?

What's happening?

Varde's giving a talk on the NCP hoard.

-What's NCP stand for?

-I don't know.

National Car Parks, isn't it?

-I might be late, I'm working.

-You told me you quit your job.

I did. I signed up again with a temping agency.

-Weed killing on the A414.

-Nice.

I'm not in till Tuesday, so I thought I might stay here,

guard the place.

You avoiding your flat?

No.

KNOCKS ON GLASS

Hello. Have you come about the boiler?

Erm, I'm looking for Lance. Is he here?

No. Is it about the boiler?

What? No, sorry. Who are you?

I'm Maggie.

Lance's ex. Who are you?

I'm Toni, Lance's...current.

Currant?

What, like a sultana?

No, current, as in...

Oh, my God! Oh, are you Lance's girlfriend?

Oh!

Ha! Oh, I'm so sorry!

I thought you meant like a raisin!

Did he not tell you?

Oh, my God! This must look awful, me standing here in me slippers.

No, he's just letting me stay in his daughter's room while she's away.

Come in!

Come in!

Ah!

-Kate's gone away?

-Yeah, she borrowed his car. His little yellow TVR.

While he's off camping or something.

So, you're his girlfriend.

Let's have a look at you.

Ah.

You're not how I thought you'd be.

-I thought you'd be more like, you know...

-Like what?

Well, he used to be married to me, so someone more like,

you know, nice clothes, bit of make-up, not so tomboyish.

What's your name again? Trevor?

Toni.

Oh! Ha!

Oh, how funny!

No, you look cute in that. I mean, it wouldn't suit me.

People expect me to have nice clean nails, in my line of work.

-What's your line of work?

-I'm an author.

-Are you?

-Yeah.

Yeah, I've had a bit of a tidy up. Place was in a right state.

He needs someone looking after him, that man.

You a Scorpio?

No.

Do you want me to tell him you were here?

If you want.

-See ya.

-DOOR SLAMS

All right, Steve? These the new spares, are they?

Yeah, they're the new ones. You fill the tanks with water?

-Yeah, it's just water in there.

-OK.

Well, put half a bottle of that in each tank.

Don't get it on your hands and don't breathe it in.

-All right?

-Yeah, that's all done, yeah.

-Don't forget your, um...

-Na-ha.

-You need filling up?

-Er, yeah.

-Yeah, give it here. I'll do it.

Cheers.

SQUAWKS

SQUAWKING

APPLAUSE

Thank you, Varde.

Very interesting talk on a fascinating hoard.

And as ever, with these things,

it throws up more questions than it answers.

I mean, why were so many National Cycling Proficiency badges

buried together?

And by whom?

-Hell's Angels.

-Lance Armstrong.

Any other questions for Varde, before she rests her voice?

You must be quite hoarse after that marathon.

No questions?

OK, moving on. Lance.

Have you got any further, tracing your stolen coin?

I've given up with that Teriyaki.

I've been chasing magpies for the last two days.

That's good.

Birdwatching's very good for the soul.

It's calming.

Yeah, not this type of bird-watching, Sheila.

This is angry bird-watching, for monetary gain.

He wanted to catch one and strap a camera to it.

I left a coin there,

but they didn't touch it cos they knew it wasn't gold.

They didn't touch it cos you were sitting next to it with a net.

Actually, Varde had an idea about that, didn't you?

Er, Varde was saying that magpies, you know,

being part of the corvid family, are highly intelligent, so you

could, given time, gain its trust and get it to take things from you.

It's all very well you saying that, Varde.

I haven't got the time to tame a magpie.

We lose that land in three weeks. Honestly!

You're all talk, sometimes!

Are you sure you're not just using this temporary magpie obsession

to block out the difficulties you're having in your private life?

-I was just going to say that.

-Me, too.

It seems like you're focusing too much on magpies

and not on your real problems.

No.

Anyway, I'm done with the gold coins and the magpies.

You were right. I'm going to let that one go.

Pint of Stella, please, mate.

Hiya, Toni, love.

Er, it's me.

You haven't been returning my calls, so I was just wondering

if everything's all right.

Anyway, er, give us a ring when you get this message.

Otherwise, I'll probably see you at work.

Bye.

Cheers, Michael.

-Sure I can't tempt anyone to stay?

-No, no.

Got to be fresh for Bollywood class in the morning.

-They're his favourite.

-Oh, yeah? You like the old Bollywood, do you?

Oh, yes.

He's very good.

He could be in the movies.

If he dyed his moustache and learned to speak Hindi.

Bye, all.

-See ya.

-Night.

-You all right? You're going to stay on your own?

-Yeah.

I've got my magazine, you know.

And I'm just going to give it another hour,

wait for Mags to go to bed.

Bloody hell, mate. That's no way to live.

Won't be for long.

I'd stay for another, but I've got to be up early.

Pressure hosing chewing gum in Chelmsford.

-Charming.

-Cheerio.

-Cheers.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Mm! Beer and Scout Hall!

-You love it!

-I do.

How was the club?

-Same.

-I can't imagine what you have to talk about.

-Do you meet weekly?

Very weakly, sometimes.

Usually just turns into a therapy session, if I'm honest.

I would love to be a fly on the wall!

-You don't have to be a fly on the wall. You can come along.

-No.

Oh, I've found a couple more flats I want to see.

-Are you working tomorrow?

-Yeah, afraid so. In Colchester.

-Oh.

-Where were you today?

-Colchester, the same.

-All day?

Till four, yeah.

Andy uncovered a portion of Roman mosaic last week, didn't you?

I did, yeah. We were hoping there was going to be more,

but we only turned up medieval stuff today.

Didn't I see you on the A414? Outside Mornam?

Pardon? No, no, I was in Colchester.

Looked like you, at lunchtime,

spraying the weeds on the hard shoulder.

No, no, I don't know who that could have been.

-Well, if it wasn't you, why would you know who it was?

-Exactly.

Yeah, could have been anyone. I'm going to hit the sack.

-Are you coming up?

-Yeah, yeah, won't be long.

-Night.

-What was that for?

-For lying about Kate not taking your car.

Oh. How did you find out?

I came by your flat.

-And the car wasn't there?

-No.

Was anyone else there?

Yeah. Your ex-wife Maggie was there.

Oh, right. Listen, I've made a mess...

Look, could you stop throwing potatoes, just for a minute?

-Made a mess of things. I should have told you, but I panicked.

-You lied.

I know, but I thought I was doing it for...

Oh! Look, please, stop throwing potatoes at me.

I know I deserve to have potatoes thrown at me,

but it's very hard to concentrate. There's nothing going on between us.

We're not back together.

I never suggested there was anything going on.

If there's one thing I know you're not, Lance, it's a cheat.

-Oh. Well, thanks.

-But you're a liar. And a coward.

And those are two of my least favourite character traits.

-I don't usually lie.

-No, you just thought you'd try it out on me.

You bastard! Lying is what breaks couples up. Didn't you know that?

-I didn't think.

-Another character trait I don't like.

-That's three.

-Oh, I'm an idiot.

-Four.

For months now, whenever I suggest staying at yours, you say Kate's

there and the place isn't your own and you don't feel comfortable.

I've never said I felt uncomfortable.

I just wanted to spend some time with you.

But the moment your ex turns up, you give Kate your car keys,

say make yourself scarce, and the ex gets invited to stay.

-I couldn't turn her away, could I?

-You turn me away on a regular basis.

-Right, I'm going to tell her. She has to go.

-Do what you want.

Mags...

My name's Toni, for fuck's sake!

How long have you been waiting there?

-Two days?

-No, I heard you coming.

-You don't need to rev so hard when you're changing up.

-Shut up, Dad.

I wasn't expecting you back today.

Came home early. That's OK, isn't it?

-So, how was she?

-She was grand.

I love her. She smells of the '70s.

Although I did back her into a post and broke a light.

-I'm kidding.

-Oh! You had me going there!

-Actually, I'm not kidding.

I did break a light. I don't know why I said I didn't.

I just felt like you wanted me to say it, so I did.

-So you have broke a light or you haven't?

-I have.

I'm sorry. One of the back ones. I'm so sorry. I will get it fixed.

-Doesn't matter. It's only a car.

-No, please, don't be heartbroken.

I thought you'd be angry.

I thought I'd be the one saying it's only a car.

Yeah, it's just one more thing, really.

They say bad luck comes in eights.

-Did you not have a nice time without me?

-Unforeseen circumstances.

-I messed up a bit, upset Toni.

-Oh, you're kidding.

My ex-wife Maggie showed up.

-THAT was your ex-wife? Oh, my God! I let her in the flat.

-Oh, no.

I had to let her stay anyway cos she's split up with her partner

and she was pretty cut up, so I let her sleep in your room.

So you didn't even see Toni.

No.

I'm sure you could patch it up.

If she really means that much to you.

Yeah, there's a Triumph specialist in Boughton.

He's bound to have one in stock.

-I meant Toni.

-Anyway, there's no rush.

As long as I get to him this afternoon before he shuts at four.

Actually, you know, I'd better get on with it.

Oh, I was thinking about what you said yesterday

and I think I know where you might have seen me.

We did stop off in the afternoon to survey another site.

In Waldon.

Yeah, I remember now. I know. Those weren't sprayers you saw us with.

It was surveying equipment, measuring sticks.

Oh, don't tell lies. Do you think I'm stupid?

I know what I saw and it wasn't you being an archaeologist,

but an agency worker spraying weedkiller on the hard shoulder.

What's going on, Andy?

It was just water, actually. I didn't put the weedkiller in.

What IS going on?

-I quit my job.

-Quit or lost?

-Quit.

It was a scam.

I did find a mosaic and I'm pretty sure there was more of it,

but it was scraped away in the night before I had a chance to find out.

Because anything interesting found would just delay

construction of this office block.

So then you quit for the right reasons.

Thanks.

So what makes you think my daughter wouldn't understand?

Well, because she wants to buy a flat

and she's worried about Stan's schooling and I think she'd

rather I just bit my tongue for a while, until we can afford a home.

I think you'll find that ethics

and principles stand pretty high on my daughter's agenda.

Yeah, I know. I didn't mean...

I'm just very aware that, after all those years studying,

I'm not making much of a success of being an archaeologist.

Well, maybe you're not an archaeologist.

Maybe you're more of a...hobbyist.

Can't make any money from hobbies. That's why they're hobbies.

Maybe you're not a money-maker, either.

What a guy(!)

Sorry for lying.

FOOTSTEPS

FRONT DOOR CLOSES

SHE HUMS A TUNE

What are you looking for?

Oh, my God! You made me jump.

-What are you doing, sitting there?

-This is my room.

I thought you weren't coming back till tomorrow.

Well...

I was just looking for Lance's TV licence.

-Do you know where he keeps his TV licence?

-It's not in there.

-Is it not?

-No.

-You angry?

-I'm a little bit angry, yeah.

-Aw.

Don't be silly. Come and have a cup of tea.

God, you made me jump! Did you have a nice time?

I can't believe he lent you his car.

He never used to let me go near that thing.

Not to drive it, anyway.

Oh, I always hated getting in and out of that car.

I could never do it without flashing my knickers.

How long are you staying for?

Not long. Just until I sort myself out.

-You do know he's got a girlfriend, don't you?

-Yeah.

I met the current. She's a funny little thing, ain't she?

-What are you doing here, Maggie?

-Oh, dear.

You a little bit jealous? Yeah?

Have I upset your cushy little number?

Cos you must have it pretty easy here, I suppose.

Treat the place like your own.

Cos it was a right shithole when I arrived.

-What are you after?

-I'm not after anything, love.

You're the one taking the piss.

I don't suppose Lance has ever told you about us, has he?

Yeah, he told me you left him for an arsehole.

-Did he call him an arsehole?

-I think he did, yeah.

-That's rude.

So, what is it I need to know about you and my dad?

That we still have a deep connection.

And we'll always be there for one another.

-He hadn't mentioned that, no.

-We have a spiritual bond,

forged at a Pagan ceremony at Avebury standing stones.

He kept that one to himself, too.

I know what Lance wants. I know what Lance needs.

TEXT ALERT

Oi!

Lollipop! Message from the arsehole!

I reckon about ten minutes, 15,

for you to get your spells and your potions out of my room

and your boney arse out of my dad's life.

Boney arse?

Yeah.

Apparently.

That's from Working Girl.

That's what I said.

Melanie Griffith.

What did the text say?

Well, she wouldn't tell me, only that it was him, you know.

Pizza Hut manager.

-And she's gone now, Maggie?

-Yeah, again.

Just got to patch things up with Toni.

Connect 4. Did you bring games?

While away the hours.

Where did you get the Kerplunk?

Charity shop.

You know, there isn't a single charity shop that

doesn't have a Kerplunk.

You should check it out. They can't shift them.

There's a Sue Ryder in Colchester, there's a sign in the window -

"no Kerplunks, thank you!"

Cos it takes too long to put the sticks back in.

If you take the time, the rewards are obvious.

Of course, it should really be on a level playing surface.

Your go.

-MARBLES RATTLE

-Balls!