Episode 3 Detectorists

METAL DETECTOR BEEPS

Anything?

Linda!

What you got?

Ring pull - 78.

Kestrel Super.

KESTREL SQUAWKS

Kestrel.

Super.

BEEPING

BEEPING STOPS

# Will you search through the lonely earth for me?

# Climb through the briar and bramble?

# I'll be your treasure

# I'm waiting for you

# I'm waiting for you. #

CAR STOPS

What?

Go, go, go!

BANG

CAR ALARM WAILS Go, go!

I said I'd meet you at the end of the road.

Yeah, well, you weren't there.

Couldn't you have waited?

Look, you know the deal -

first to arrive gets first choice of the field.

Can't afford to let Terra Firma, or whatever else they're calling

themselves today, get there before us.

Oh, yeah.

I had a brilliant dream last night.

Yeah?

Brilliant.

You have got to be joking me!

Bastards!

You strapped in?

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Woohoo! Woohoo!

Stick that up your Arado!

THEY LAUGH

That was brilliant! That was like Hill Street Blues or...or...

or chips or summat!

When we came to that gradual bend to the right.

I was right on his tail.

You were glued to the road.

Oh, that was just terrific! Good times.

Good times!

So you don't think you were even hypnotised?

Oh, I know I wasn't. Nowhere near.

I pretended I was, but wasn't.

And when you got on the boat, you were just as sick?

Sicker. It was just foam by the end.

Ah, here they are at last - Wallace and Gromit.

Too late. Find your own field.

Mate! Mate!

Come here!

Better be bloody worth it.

What?

Look at these. Just pushed up out of this molehill.

-What are they?

-MAGPIE SQUAWKS

-Bits of pottery.

-Oh, for fu...

-Listen!

-Look, you know I can't get excited about stoneware.

-Listen a minute.

-Look, I've just come from over there.

I've got a really good signal.

Just look at these, look. They're black on one side.

So? It's a cooking pot.

No, no, no, it's blackened on the inside.

I know this stuff. I recognise it.

I think this was a cremation urn, and this - this was a Roman burial.

MAGPIE SQUAWKS

ENGINE STARTS

Wait!

Wait a minute! Wait!

You bastard!

Wasn't my fault.

You told 'em it was here?

-No.

-Well, then, it was your fault.

And anyway, it wouldn't have made any difference.

In fact, it would have made 'em get rid of it sooner.

What's going on?

Andy, for Christ's sake! You don't understand, do you?

There's no money to be made from a little bit of Roman mosaic.

It just slows down construction.

These guys in Dubai or wherever it is, they just want

their office block built so they can start turning over a profit.

So what are we even doing here?

You had to lift the flagstone, didn't you?

If there's one thing I've learnt from very early in this job,

you don't lift the flagstone.

You don't know what's going to be underneath.

Right, that's it. I quit.

Tim? I said I'm off.

-For the day?

-No, I'm leaving.

-For the day?

-No, for good.

-So you're quitting?

-Yes.

-Well, why didn't you say that?

-I did! You didn't hear.

-Would have made things a bit clearer.

I did say it. I'll say it again. I quit.

Right.

I'll do the paperwork.

I'm sorry about the mosaic.

See ya.

Hi, darling.

Hello, sweetheart.

-Oh!

-HE CLEARS THROAT

All right, Colin? I thought you was Toni. She about? Cheers.

Watcha! Finished?

Yeah. You just starting?

Yeah. Night shift.

Oh, well, ships in the night.

I just called Colin darling.

Why?

Thought it was you.

Because of the beard?

Yeah.

-How did that go down?

-Really well. We're having dinner tomorrow night.

Oh, nice. He doesn't live on a boat, then?

Oh. Sorry.

Wish you hadn't told me the hypnotism worked.

I thought it had.

You were just humouring me all along.

Not deliberately. I was humouring myself.

Anyway, I've been thinking.

I'm going to lend Kate my car so she can go away this weekend.

-The TR7?

-Yep.

-You'll never do it.

I've decided. I will. Beggars can't be choosers.

Desperate situations call for desperate measures.

Beggars can't be choosers? Who's the beggar - me or you?

That wasn't a very good choice of words.

Desperate situations?

I could have worded that better as well.

Anyway, my point is that...

I'm not sure I'm up for being part of a desperate situation.

All feels a bit silly.

-Anyway, I was thinking of seeing my dad this weekend.

-No, don't.

Well, do, if you want to, but I am going to lend Kate my car, so...yes.

There.

Have a good shift. Drink coffee if you feel tired.

See ya.

SHE BEEPS CAR HORN

-Hey.

-Hi. Guess where we're going?

Where?

-To look at a flat.

-Are we?

Yes! Don't be cross.

I saw it online and it looked really good, so I booked an appointment.

Thought we were way off being able to afford anything.

Well, I did some sums. I think I underestimated.

With your job guaranteed, I think

we can get a mortgage on something like this.

Let's just look at it, see if it's the sort of thing we can afford.

Yeah, cool.

How was work today? How was the mosaic?

Um...

Yeah, no, there wasn't anything left of it after all.

Oh, shame. Maybe there's more of it elsewhere.

Yeah, maybe.

SHE TAKES DEEP BREATH

-Oh!

-Hello?

I'm looking for Lance.

Are you now? And, er, who might you be, may I ask?

I'm Maggie.

Well, Maggie, you'd better get to the back of the queue because

that man is mine, and nobody else is sinking their claws into him!

Oh.

I'm fooling with you! I'm Kate. I'm Lance's daughter.

His daughter?

Yeah. I get that reaction a lot, actually.

Surprise at my very existence, like I'm a mythical creature.

-Like a unicorn.

-Exactly.

Or a dolphin.

Er, is Lance expecting you? Because I'm actually just out the door.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm a bit early.

-OK, well, you'd better come in and wait.

-Oh, thank you.

Oh, er, sorry about the mess. That's my fault.

-Oh, don't worry about that.

-Er, make yourself a cup of tea.

-Thanks.

-I'll see you. It's nice to meet you, Maggie.

-Yeah, bye, Kate.

-Bye.

SHE SIGHS

Eurgh!

Hello, hi! Um...ooh!

It's all right. Oh!

-Hi. Becky?

-Yes.

-Kelvin. Hi.

Hi, Kelvin. This is my husband, Andy.

Thanks for doing this at such short notice.

Hello. No, it's fine, no problem. Keys. That's good.

OK.

It smells like a jumbo jet.

Oh, this is a good feature. Lights on!

Lights on now!

Lights! Turn on now! There.

Cool.

And you can use voice recognition with that,

so only you can turn the lights on.

Why would you do that?

So the burglars have to use their own torches.

Is there a problem with burglars?

No. Er...

This is the bathroom.

Underfloor heating throughout and...heated mirror.

Warm reflection?

No condensation.

All the skylights are hermetically sealed,

so is the air-conditioning filters so it recycles and sterilises

the air whilst maintaining the pressure in the room.

There's a slice of bread on that skylight.

Oh, yeah.

Seagulls.

This is the front room.

Kitchen, washer, drier, sink,

gas hob - one to four - with a hood going outside.

Um... Cupboard under the sink.

And, er, this is the floor.

And we try to use as many reclaimed and recycled materials as possible.

For instance,

these worktops are actually made from reconstituted hospitals.

-Hospitals?

-Yep.

Demolished buildings, ground up and graded and set in resin,

and you'd never know. I mean, look.

-Oh.

-Where do they get the hospitals from?

Uganda.

What about the garden?

The garden is communal.

I can see a shed. Whose is the shed?

It's the gardener's. He comes once a week.

Can I use the shed?

You will not be allowed access to the shed.

OK, well, nice to meet you. Cheers, yeah.

It's worse than not having a shed at all,

having a clear view of somebody else's shed.

The voice-activated light switches were a time-saver, though.

Sorry, but that was about as far from my idea of a home as you can get.

All right! I don't see you coming up with many options.

No, sorry, I was just saying.

Looks like we're going to have a little bit longer to wait.

Oh, morning, Lance.

Morning, Mags, love.

MAGGIE HUMS

WATER RUNS

THUD

CLINK

HE PANTS

What...?

MAGGIE HUMS

Maggie?

Is that you?

Hello, love.

Sorry, you looked tired, you were yawning.

I'm just having a little bath.

It's all right, innit?

What you doing here, Maggie?

What are you doing here?

Oh, Lance, it was awful.

He turned out to be a real knob.

A wanker, yeah.

-He fooled everyone.

-Well...

How could I have been so stupid?

I couldn't see past his...

..his broad chest and manly arms.

Must have been hard to.

You know that Tracey Ullman song, Fast Car?

Tracy Chapman, yeah.

It was like that.

I had a job that paid all our bills,

he stayed out late drinking at the bar.

It was exactly like that song.

Except he didn't have a fast car.

-He had a Toyota Yaris.

-Average.

Listen, Maggie, you can't stay here.

Oh, it'll only be for a few nights.

Your daughter's away, I can have her room.

But I've got a girlfriend.

Have you? Oh, ain't that nice?

You deserve it, Lance.

She's supposed to be staying the weekend.

I'll be quiet as a mouse.

Voicemail.

Oh, hi, love.

Ah, sorry, bad timing, you'll be driving to work.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you,

Kate's decided she's not going away this weekend.

I offered her to take my car, but she's got a stinking cold

and she's all tucked up.

So...

..maybe next weekend?

Anyway,

give us a call when you get this message.

Bye.

Aeroplane mode...

..set.

Slippery slope, mate.

Slippery slope.

METAL DETECTOR BLEEPS

METAL DETECTOR HUMS

BEEPS RAPIDLY

MEDITERRANEAN-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS

Andy?

MUSIC STOPS

Got any AA batteries?

What's that?

Batteries, AA?

Front pocket of my bag.

You may want to come and have a look at this.

What you got, Roman?

Come and see.

Tell me you've not found gold?

You're acting strangely. Have you found gold?

Maybe I have, maybe I haven't.

No.

What?

SAD VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYS

Noooooooooooo!

No, no, no!

Ah!

Oh, no.

I didn't even touch it, I haven't picked it up.

I wanted to take a photo of it in situ.

Did you see the glint of gold as it flew away?

Did you see it?

Well, I saw a glint.

To be honest, it looked more silver in the light.

You take that back.

Or copper alloy.

It was gold.

Oh.

Just swooped down in one movement, and then it was away,

over the trees, never to be seen again.

Right in front of your eyes?

-Right in front of our eyes.

-Huh!

Hang on, hang on.

Why are you telling all this with such glee?

I'm not.

Yes, you are.

It's like you've become Mr I've Got Great News.

Mr I've Got Exciting News To Tell Everyone.

"Away over the trees,

"never to be seen again."

Incredible to witness that, really.

A magpie stealing a coin.

At least you got an anecdote out of it.

I don't want an anecdote.

Make a nice children's story.

The Tale Of The Magpie...

I want a gold coin.

..And The Greedy Man.

What was it, the coin?

Septimius Severus, I think, but I didn't even see the obverse.

I didn't touch it.

Well, I don't think you'll be seeing that again, in my experience.

And what is your experience of this, Russell?

I'm sorry to snap, mate,

but what experience have you had of this sort of thing?

Lost a Frisbee once.

Did you check your hole?

Oh, it wasn't in the hole, Hugh.

I told you, it came out in the plug.

I know, but you did check the hole?

You did check your hole, didn't you, Lance?

Well, I was in shock, I...I didn't...

We just ran away, we....

PHONE BUZZES

Oh, I gotta take this.

How many times?

Always check your hole.

I mean, if that is a burial, like you think,

and there's bits of burnt pot, there could be more gold down there.

I know, I can't believe he didn't check.

Well, you need to get down there first thing, secure the permission.

You should camp out.

Yeah. Well, I mean, I would,

but I don't think Lance has ever camped in his life.

He likes his creature comforts too much.

Hello, Mags?

You all right?

Hello, love.

Now, listen, I found a bottle.

Hope you don't mind.

I've already had a glass, but I don't want to get too giggly.

Oh!

What time will you be back?

Anyone got a tent?

I reckon we should camp out.

Ah!

That's Orion, look.

And that's his belt.

One, two, three in a row.

You see that?

Mate, I'm not five.

I know what Orion looks like.

Show me another constellation,

then I'll be impressed.

You're looking for the Plough, aren't you?

Yeah.