Episode 2 Detectorists


Episode 2

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What's this? Metal detecting, are you?

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Oh...

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Pardon?

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Metal detecting?

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That's right.

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Found anything?

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Bits and bobs.

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Oh, good luck. Maybe you'll strike gold.

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Yes. See ya.

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Hello.

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Looking for treasure?

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Something like that.

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What have you found?

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Oh, bits and pieces.

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No gold?

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Nope.

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Well, fingers crossed.

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Yeah. See ya.

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All right.

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This is a problem. It's a public footpath, there's bloody ramblers

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coming by asking the same questions all the time.

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Oh, here come some more.

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Ah, metal detectors. We had a metal detector once, didn't we, Rosemary?

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That's still in the garage.

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Is that so?

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-Have you found any gold?

-Ah, Jesus.

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-Pardon?

-No, no, no gold. No, no.

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-Fingers crossed.

-Fingers crossed, yeah.

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Tell me, how many more of you are coming through?

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Of us? About 50 today, I think.

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Call it a day?

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Probably best.

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# Will you search through the lonely earth for me?

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# Climb through the briar and bramble

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# I'll be your treasure... #

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Mate, that was a good couple of hours.

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Yeah. Were you getting good stuff?

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Me, too...

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..bloody ramblers notwithstanding.

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It's all Roman. Nothing spectacular, but five of these little bronzes.

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And that's part of something, not sure what.

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Same here. Roman grots.

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Four or five of 'em.

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How many times have we searched this field

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and only now it starts throwing up its treasure?

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Six weeks' time, this'll be solar panels as far as the eye can see.

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Less than six weeks.

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Doesn't exactly make your heart sing, does it?

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Oh, well. Sic biscuitus deteriatum.

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See University Challenge last night?

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Yeah.

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What three letter generic name is given to the bird family Paridae?

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Bzz!

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-Balliol, Potts.

-Tit.

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Tit is correct, yes.

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-Classic.

-Classic.

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Hello there!

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Speaking of tits...

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Heeeeeello there.

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What are you doing here?

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Oh, just...passing by.

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You're always just passing by.

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You must come miles out of your way to pass by.

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It must seem like that, yes.

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No, we haven't seen you since your amazing find,

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your golden astel.

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Wanted to congratulate you, actually.

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-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah. Really fantastic.

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How's it feel?

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What, to have a piece with my name underneath it in the British Museum?

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Feels good.

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I imagine it does. Well, congratulations.

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Here's to you.

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Mrs Robinson.

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-Pardon?

-Nothing.

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Is that all you came to say?

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That and to...

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..wave a white flag, so to speak.

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Don't you think it's time we put our differences behind us?

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Maybe pool resources?

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What resources?

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Well, our permissions.

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We've got more than enough land to detect on and...

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well, this farm here, it's...

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far too big for just the two of you.

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If you've got more than enough land, why do you want to come here?

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-Well sometimes it's good...

-Duh-duh-duh-duh.

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I wasn't talking to you, Paul.

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More choice. Different topography.

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-You don't have any permissions, do you?

-We do.

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Oh, yeah. Where?

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Well, I'm not going to tell you, am I?

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Unless you agree to share.

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Oh! Right.

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We have some prime locations.

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Oh, do you?

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I know what you're doing.

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What am I doing?

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You're doing a Jimmy waffle-on.

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No, I'm not. No, I've just got an itchy chin, that's all.

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Ooh, yeah, I've got a bit of an itchy chin as well.

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Tell us about these permissions.

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And now you're both doing it.

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You're both doing a Jimmy waffle-on.

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Aren't they?

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-Chinny reckon? Yeah.

-Mm-hmm.

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-Mm-hmm.

-No, we're not.

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No, we've both just got itchy chins, that's all.

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Really? Pathetic.

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Come on, Paul.

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Spanners.

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Kate, are you here?

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Kate, can I have a word?

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Just a minute!

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Hello, Dad. Sorry, I'm running late again.

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Now, Kate, we need to have a chat.

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Dad, can we maybe take this down, this poster?

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What, the tennis lady? Why?

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Don't you think it's a bit tacky?

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Tacky? No.

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And a bit... well, degrading to women.

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Kate, she's scratching her bottom.

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Dad, she's got no knickers on.

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Hasn't she?

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I'm late. I'll talk to you later.

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Oh, Dad?

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-Mm?

-I think there's a squirrel in the flat.

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See ya.

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Huh!

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Haa!

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Hoo-yoo!

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Aargh!

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Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ooh!

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Ooh, bloody hell!

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Ooh, bloody, bloody hell!

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It was terrible.

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I was going from room to room with a saucepan and a mop handle,

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poking under furniture, shaking curtains.

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It took me an hour and a half to search the flat.

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And no squirrel?

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I didn't find one.

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She was winding you up.

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You think she was winding me up?

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Sounds like a wind-up.

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Well, that's what it's like - chaos.

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And she never makes a plan and sticks to it,

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so I never know if she's in.

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So where does that leave us

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if you can't come and stay with me on my boat?

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I know. I've been looking into remedies for seasickness.

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So have I. I think you should try hypnotherapy.

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I've always tried to steer clear of the mystical.

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It's not mystical.

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It is a bit mystical.

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I mean, I'm not afraid of boats, it's the movement.

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Hypnotists can't stop the boat from moving.

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Well, maybe he CAN...in your head.

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Let me get you an appointment.

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Well...take a brave man to go poking around in here.

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Who knows what might be unleashed?

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I don't understand what we're doing here.

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Tim, there's nothing down here.

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Let's give it another hour.

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Tim!

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Tim, I think you better come and see this.

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Where's this?

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Just over here.

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Amazing.

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You see the flagstones protecting it?

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It's as if it was preserved on purpose, a layer of sand

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-and then these stones on top.

-Do we know how far it extends?

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Well, at least another four foot in that direction,

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-but maybe even further.

-Cover it up.

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Huh?

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Get a tarp or something.

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Cover it up.

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Hello!

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Oh, back there. How are you?

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Good to see you.

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It's all there, Becks, it has to be.

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I reckon the stones were put down deliberately to protect the mosaic.

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I can see you.

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I think the whole floor might be complete.

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Honestly, I took off the edge stone, the mosaic was right there.

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It's so beautiful, look.

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Oh, weird.

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What?

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I took at least five photos, they're not here.

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Are you sure you saved them?

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Balls! Where are they?

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Oh, it doesn't matter, I'll take some more when we lift the stones.

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That's brilliant. Congratulations.

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Thank you. And you know what?

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I saw, at last, some enthusiasm in Tim.

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Usually nothing stirs him, but he got quite emotional.

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Well, good, it sounds like it's working out.

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Yeah. Yeah, I think it's working out.

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He can't make me do anything against my will?

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You're always fully conscious, just in a very relaxed state.

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So...he can't make me say anything I'll regret later?

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No.

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Nothing specific. I'm not hiding anything...

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..to my knowledge.

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Just chill.

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Yeah, I'm just saying, I don't want to blurt anything out.

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Do people tend do blurt?

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There's very little blurting.

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Oh, good, good.

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Mr Stater?

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Yes.

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Would you like to come through?

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Why?

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For your treatment. I'm Dr Hoffman.

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Are you? Is she?

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Yes, that's Dr Hoffman.

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Oh, yeah, great. Good, yeah.

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Let's go.

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-Don't be nervous.

-I'm not nervous.

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Try to relax.

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I want this to work.

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Me, too.

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That's it, just take a seat there and make yourself comfortable.

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Oh...

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I was expecting, you know...hangings.

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Hangings?

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Tie-dyed wall hangings, wind chimes, smell of patchouli.

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Oh, I see, like a mystic.

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You're not going to have me doing Elvis, are you?

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No, no, nothing like that.

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Cos that's the thing, isn't it?

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You know, someone says the word "fish and chips"

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and I am compelled to sing and dance like Elvis.

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I suppose so.

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Could you do that?

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I'm not a stage hypnotist, Mr Stater. Can I call you Lance?

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Please do.

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Great. So...

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the only way this can work is if you are completely comfortable

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and relaxed.

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So, sit back.

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Success depends on you being able to completely switch off,

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trust my voice and let it carry you away.

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I suppose it'd be difficult

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if you had an annoying accent or a squeaky voice.

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So try and put those sorts of thoughts

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out of your mind for a while.

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Try to empty your mind.

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I will do exactly as you say.

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Well done.

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Just close your eyes and listen to the sound of my voice.

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Listening.

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You don't have to tell me you're listening, just listen.

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Got it.

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You don't have to say anything.

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Oh, I thought you were waiting for a reply.

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-No.

-Cos you hesitated.

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I might do a lot of hesitating,

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but you don't need to say anything, or worry.

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Just relax...and listen.

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So I want you to imagine that you are lying on soft warm sand,

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on a beach.

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And it is a beautiful summer's day and the sun is on your face.

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You've not got a care in the world, or anything to do.

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You can just enjoy the sun all day.

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Sorry, sorry, I'm very sensitive to the sun, I burn very easily.

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I wouldn't just sunbathe.

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Is carpet the same as sand?

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Could I lie in my flat?

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Yes. So you are lying on the carpet in your flat.

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You are very comfortable and warm, just right.

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And you can feel yourself sinking into the carpet,

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sinking down through the carpet.

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Down. Down.

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And the carpet...

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No, no, the problem is...

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You live on the first floor?

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I live on the first floor.

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Exactly. So I'm sinking down now into Mrs Morris's flat.

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She's going to be terrified.

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This is why it works best on a beach,

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because you can just keep on sinking.

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Have you got one of those sunshades?

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Maybe I could sit under one of those big umbrellas.

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Yes, do that.

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Right, here we go, back on the beach.

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Carry on.

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Carry on-ez vous.

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You were very quick.

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I was out like a light. Yeah, like that, sparko.

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Really?

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Yeah. No. I feel different.

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I feel like I don't suffer from seasickness any more.

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Why did the doctor have her head in her hands?

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Did she? Oh, I think she had a migraine coming on.

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Can children get migraines?

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She wasn't that young.

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She didn't know who Uri Geller was.

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Why were you talking about Uri Geller?

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No, I was talking about fraudsters in general. Not her!

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I was just saying that there must be some out there.

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But, no, yeah, I think it's done some good.

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What's this?

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That's for being brave.

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Aw, cheers.

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Well, better get off to the scout hut.

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Do you want to stay tomorrow night and see if it worked?

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Yeah, go on, then.

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We can get a takeaway. I'll treat you to fish and chips.

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-IN ELVIS VOICE:

-Thank you very much.

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Very nice! House of Constantine, circa 224 to 330 AD.

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That's what I said.

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And this one is third century, possibly Claudius II.

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I said that as well.

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And all this out of the same field?

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There's something good going on down there, Terry.

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We're close, I can feel it.

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What's Russell doing? Russell?

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Russ!

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Whatcha doin'?

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I'm on my new app.

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Your what?

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It's my new app on my phone, it's a metal detecting app.

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It's great. You can go on different historical sites to detect.

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I'm currently on Hadrian's Wall.

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Well, now I've seen everything.

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Oh! Here we go. Good signal, 12.5.

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It's deep.

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Ah! Roman Centurion's helmet. Good condition.

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I'm keeping it.

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So, did Andy tell you who's been snooping around?

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Who?

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-Simon and Garfunkel.

-What, the Antiquisearchers?

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Didn't they change their name to something ridiculous?

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The Dirt Sharks.

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Right, well, there you go, then. It's decided.

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We are no longer the Dirt Sharks.

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What are we?

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Terra Firma.

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Yes.

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But we're spelling Terra the proper Latin way,

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not the way you want to spell it.

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It's scarier my way.

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Right then, new name, new start.

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This year, I am determined, will be the year

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we are finally accepted onto a proper organised rally.

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And when we are, I want us to be prepared.

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-I want to see the Dirt Sharks...

-Terra Firma.

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I want to see Terra Firma get the best finds in every category.

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Gavin, what are you going to find?

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James I, hammered groat.

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Is it real?

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I think so. I got it on eBay.

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How deep will it be?

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Four, five inches.

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Reading?

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53. A bit scratchy.

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Nice. Michael?

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Be realistic.

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So I said, "If that turns out to be the case,

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"I will change my name by deed poll to Belinda Carlisle."

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What a wonderful story!

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True as I'm sitting here now.

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That restores your faith in humanity, doesn't it?

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Another cup of tea, Belinda?

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There she goes.

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You know...

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she has got the timing of Ken Dodd, that one.

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I'll give you that one, Sheila.

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We have a laugh, don't we, eh?

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You idiot!

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How can you get it so wrong?

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I just thought...

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What? What?

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It doesn't matter.

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Why don't you think before you open your mouth?

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Knobhead.

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Well, we've had a very busy week.

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After a typically infuriating encounter with those two goons from the DMDC,

0:22:070:22:11

Paul and I decided to drop in on the landowner,

0:22:110:22:16

-see if we couldn't...

-Butter him up.

0:22:160:22:19

Curry favour, I was going to say.

0:22:190:22:21

And the information he gave us was...

0:22:240:22:27

Weapons grade.

0:22:270:22:28

Can you stop interrupting, please?

0:22:280:22:30

Turns out the church farm has been acquired by a solar energy company.

0:22:320:22:36

They're due to start converting the land in just under five weeks.

0:22:360:22:39

So did he give you permission?

0:22:390:22:41

He didn't, no.

0:22:410:22:43

But Photon Harvest Solar Electricity did. Paul's idea.

0:22:470:22:52

Cut out the middleman, go straight to the top,

0:22:520:22:55

offer them a service they can't live without.

0:22:550:22:58

What service?

0:22:580:22:59

Obstruction clearance, farm machinery, unexploded bombs.

0:22:590:23:03

That was my idea.

0:23:030:23:04

I just said it was your idea.

0:23:040:23:06

I gave you credit about two seconds ago, you don't have to repeat it.

0:23:060:23:11

Well, it was when I mentioned unexploded bombs,

0:23:140:23:17

and what happened to that idiot Terry Seymour

0:23:170:23:19

a couple of years ago, that their ears pricked right up.

0:23:190:23:22

And the permission, ladies and gentlemen,

0:23:220:23:27

-is...

-Ours.

0:23:270:23:29

Oh, God!

0:23:290:23:31

Are you the metal detectors?

0:23:420:23:44

Are we THE metal detectors?

0:23:440:23:46

Bloke I spoke to on the phone?

0:23:460:23:48

No.

0:23:480:23:49

Oh, right, we got some.

0:23:490:23:51

Some what?

0:23:510:23:52

We got some metal detectors who can do all this, so we don't need you.

0:23:520:23:56

Sorry wait, what?

0:23:560:23:57

We've got five weeks until this farm's converted.

0:23:570:24:01

Five weeks till the panels go up.

0:24:010:24:03

We've acquired the land, we need someone to get rid of the obstructions.

0:24:030:24:06

What, and you've got your own detectorists to do it for you?

0:24:060:24:08

They're freelance. They wrote to us, we've employed them.

0:24:080:24:11

What are they called?

0:24:110:24:12

A company called...Terra Firma.

0:24:120:24:15

Never heard of 'em.

0:24:150:24:16

And when are they showing up?

0:24:160:24:18

Well, I thought they were going to be here,

0:24:180:24:20

I was supposed to meet them. I thought you were them.

0:24:200:24:23

You are kidding me!

0:24:300:24:32

Are you the metal detectors?

0:24:410:24:42

Indeed we are. Terra Firma at your service, sir.

0:24:420:24:47

And I can see from our friends' faces,

0:24:470:24:49

they've heard the good news.

0:24:490:24:51

It's a sneaky bloody trick.

0:24:510:24:53

Quite the opposite, in fact.

0:24:530:24:54

We've been through all the correct channels,

0:24:540:24:57

as can be proved with this paper trail.

0:24:570:25:00

We've been on this farm five years.

0:25:000:25:02

Can't you all do it? I don't care if they do it as well.

0:25:020:25:05

No, no, no, no, no, no.

0:25:050:25:07

You gave us the permission, as stated in this email.

0:25:070:25:11

We have the permission of the landowner.

0:25:110:25:13

Overruled, actually.

0:25:130:25:16

Oh, come on, there's only four of you and 300 acres.

0:25:160:25:18

Why can't you all work together?

0:25:180:25:20

We gave them a chance to share and they turned it down.

0:25:200:25:23

Why should we? We got here first.

0:25:230:25:24

We got here first. Why should we share it with you?

0:25:240:25:27

-You should share.

-Shut up.

-You shut up.

0:25:270:25:29

Jesus, it's like a school playground.

0:25:290:25:32

How old are you lot?

0:25:320:25:33

Look, we'll do it first come, first served.

0:25:330:25:35

Whoever gets here first gets the choice of their field.

0:25:350:25:38

Not fair.

0:25:380:25:39

Oh, all right, well, you can all sling your hooks, I don't care!

0:25:390:25:42

Hang on, hang on, wait. I can go along with that.

0:25:420:25:44

First come, first served.

0:25:440:25:46

OK.

0:25:530:25:55

See, we don't have to behave like kids.

0:25:550:25:57

Yeah, but after we've chosen the field,

0:25:570:26:00

there is an invisible force field all the way around

0:26:000:26:04

and you cannot enter it.

0:26:040:26:06

What if we haven't got our detectors?

0:26:060:26:07

It's impenetrable - impenetrable force field.

0:26:070:26:10

Right. Now shake hands.

0:26:100:26:12

No way.

0:26:120:26:13

Never.

0:26:130:26:15

Childish.

0:26:160:26:18

I know you are. What am I?

0:26:180:26:21

Huh?

0:26:260:26:28

GROANING

0:27:240:27:27

Feeling any better?

0:27:400:27:42

I think so.

0:27:420:27:43

Did it all come up?

0:27:450:27:47

I saw some fish eating it.

0:27:510:27:53

Did you?

0:27:530:27:54

Yeah.

0:27:550:27:56

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