Episode 2 Detectorists

What's this? Metal detecting, are you?

Oh...

Pardon?

Metal detecting?

That's right.

Found anything?

Bits and bobs.

Oh, good luck. Maybe you'll strike gold.

Yes. See ya.

Hello.

Looking for treasure?

Something like that.

What have you found?

Oh, bits and pieces.

No gold?

Nope.

Well, fingers crossed.

Yeah. See ya.

All right.

This is a problem. It's a public footpath, there's bloody ramblers

coming by asking the same questions all the time.

Oh, here come some more.

Ah, metal detectors. We had a metal detector once, didn't we, Rosemary?

That's still in the garage.

Is that so?

-Have you found any gold?

-Ah, Jesus.

-Pardon?

-No, no, no gold. No, no.

-Fingers crossed.

-Fingers crossed, yeah.

Tell me, how many more of you are coming through?

Of us? About 50 today, I think.

Call it a day?

Probably best.

# Will you search through the lonely earth for me?

# Climb through the briar and bramble

# I'll be your treasure... #

Mate, that was a good couple of hours.

Yeah. Were you getting good stuff?

Me, too...

..bloody ramblers notwithstanding.

It's all Roman. Nothing spectacular, but five of these little bronzes.

And that's part of something, not sure what.

Same here. Roman grots.

Four or five of 'em.

How many times have we searched this field

and only now it starts throwing up its treasure?

Six weeks' time, this'll be solar panels as far as the eye can see.

Less than six weeks.

Doesn't exactly make your heart sing, does it?

Oh, well. Sic biscuitus deteriatum.

See University Challenge last night?

Yeah.

What three letter generic name is given to the bird family Paridae?

Bzz!

-Balliol, Potts.

-Tit.

Tit is correct, yes.

-Classic.

-Classic.

Hello there!

Speaking of tits...

Heeeeeello there.

What are you doing here?

Oh, just...passing by.

You're always just passing by.

You must come miles out of your way to pass by.

It must seem like that, yes.

No, we haven't seen you since your amazing find,

your golden astel.

Wanted to congratulate you, actually.

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah. Really fantastic.

How's it feel?

What, to have a piece with my name underneath it in the British Museum?

Feels good.

I imagine it does. Well, congratulations.

Here's to you.

Mrs Robinson.

-Pardon?

-Nothing.

Is that all you came to say?

That and to...

..wave a white flag, so to speak.

Don't you think it's time we put our differences behind us?

Maybe pool resources?

What resources?

Well, our permissions.

We've got more than enough land to detect on and...

well, this farm here, it's...

far too big for just the two of you.

If you've got more than enough land, why do you want to come here?

-Well sometimes it's good...

-Duh-duh-duh-duh.

I wasn't talking to you, Paul.

More choice. Different topography.

-You don't have any permissions, do you?

-We do.

Oh, yeah. Where?

Well, I'm not going to tell you, am I?

Unless you agree to share.

Oh! Right.

We have some prime locations.

Oh, do you?

I know what you're doing.

What am I doing?

You're doing a Jimmy waffle-on.

No, I'm not. No, I've just got an itchy chin, that's all.

Ooh, yeah, I've got a bit of an itchy chin as well.

Tell us about these permissions.

And now you're both doing it.

You're both doing a Jimmy waffle-on.

Aren't they?

-Chinny reckon? Yeah.

-Mm-hmm.

-Mm-hmm.

-No, we're not.

No, we've both just got itchy chins, that's all.

Really? Pathetic.

Come on, Paul.

Spanners.

Kate, are you here?

Kate, can I have a word?

Just a minute!

Hello, Dad. Sorry, I'm running late again.

Now, Kate, we need to have a chat.

Dad, can we maybe take this down, this poster?

What, the tennis lady? Why?

Don't you think it's a bit tacky?

Tacky? No.

And a bit... well, degrading to women.

Kate, she's scratching her bottom.

Dad, she's got no knickers on.

Hasn't she?

I'm late. I'll talk to you later.

Oh, Dad?

-Mm?

-I think there's a squirrel in the flat.

See ya.

Huh!

Haa!

Hoo-yoo!

Aargh!

Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ooh!

Ooh, bloody hell!

Ooh, bloody, bloody hell!

It was terrible.

I was going from room to room with a saucepan and a mop handle,

poking under furniture, shaking curtains.

It took me an hour and a half to search the flat.

And no squirrel?

I didn't find one.

She was winding you up.

You think she was winding me up?

Sounds like a wind-up.

Well, that's what it's like - chaos.

And she never makes a plan and sticks to it,

so I never know if she's in.

So where does that leave us

if you can't come and stay with me on my boat?

I know. I've been looking into remedies for seasickness.

So have I. I think you should try hypnotherapy.

I've always tried to steer clear of the mystical.

It's not mystical.

It is a bit mystical.

I mean, I'm not afraid of boats, it's the movement.

Hypnotists can't stop the boat from moving.

Well, maybe he CAN...in your head.

Let me get you an appointment.

Well...take a brave man to go poking around in here.

Who knows what might be unleashed?

I don't understand what we're doing here.

Tim, there's nothing down here.

Let's give it another hour.

Tim!

Tim, I think you better come and see this.

Where's this?

Just over here.

Amazing.

You see the flagstones protecting it?

It's as if it was preserved on purpose, a layer of sand

-and then these stones on top.

-Do we know how far it extends?

Well, at least another four foot in that direction,

-but maybe even further.

-Cover it up.

Huh?

Get a tarp or something.

Cover it up.

Hello!

Oh, back there. How are you?

Good to see you.

It's all there, Becks, it has to be.

I reckon the stones were put down deliberately to protect the mosaic.

I can see you.

I think the whole floor might be complete.

Honestly, I took off the edge stone, the mosaic was right there.

It's so beautiful, look.

Oh, weird.

What?

I took at least five photos, they're not here.

Are you sure you saved them?

Balls! Where are they?

Oh, it doesn't matter, I'll take some more when we lift the stones.

That's brilliant. Congratulations.

Thank you. And you know what?

I saw, at last, some enthusiasm in Tim.

Usually nothing stirs him, but he got quite emotional.

Well, good, it sounds like it's working out.

Yeah. Yeah, I think it's working out.

He can't make me do anything against my will?

You're always fully conscious, just in a very relaxed state.

So...he can't make me say anything I'll regret later?

No.

Nothing specific. I'm not hiding anything...

..to my knowledge.

Just chill.

Yeah, I'm just saying, I don't want to blurt anything out.

Do people tend do blurt?

There's very little blurting.

Oh, good, good.

Mr Stater?

Yes.

Would you like to come through?

Why?

For your treatment. I'm Dr Hoffman.

Are you? Is she?

Yes, that's Dr Hoffman.

Oh, yeah, great. Good, yeah.

Let's go.

-Don't be nervous.

-I'm not nervous.

Try to relax.

I want this to work.

Me, too.

That's it, just take a seat there and make yourself comfortable.

Oh...

I was expecting, you know...hangings.

Hangings?

Tie-dyed wall hangings, wind chimes, smell of patchouli.

Oh, I see, like a mystic.

You're not going to have me doing Elvis, are you?

No, no, nothing like that.

Cos that's the thing, isn't it?

You know, someone says the word "fish and chips"

and I am compelled to sing and dance like Elvis.

I suppose so.

Could you do that?

I'm not a stage hypnotist, Mr Stater. Can I call you Lance?

Please do.

Great. So...

the only way this can work is if you are completely comfortable

and relaxed.

So, sit back.

Success depends on you being able to completely switch off,

trust my voice and let it carry you away.

I suppose it'd be difficult

if you had an annoying accent or a squeaky voice.

So try and put those sorts of thoughts

out of your mind for a while.

Try to empty your mind.

I will do exactly as you say.

Well done.

Just close your eyes and listen to the sound of my voice.

Listening.

You don't have to tell me you're listening, just listen.

Got it.

You don't have to say anything.

Oh, I thought you were waiting for a reply.

-No.

-Cos you hesitated.

I might do a lot of hesitating,

but you don't need to say anything, or worry.

Just relax...and listen.

So I want you to imagine that you are lying on soft warm sand,

on a beach.

And it is a beautiful summer's day and the sun is on your face.

You've not got a care in the world, or anything to do.

You can just enjoy the sun all day.

Sorry, sorry, I'm very sensitive to the sun, I burn very easily.

I wouldn't just sunbathe.

Is carpet the same as sand?

Could I lie in my flat?

Yes. So you are lying on the carpet in your flat.

You are very comfortable and warm, just right.

And you can feel yourself sinking into the carpet,

sinking down through the carpet.

Down. Down.

And the carpet...

No, no, the problem is...

You live on the first floor?

I live on the first floor.

Exactly. So I'm sinking down now into Mrs Morris's flat.

She's going to be terrified.

This is why it works best on a beach,

because you can just keep on sinking.

Have you got one of those sunshades?

Maybe I could sit under one of those big umbrellas.

Yes, do that.

Right, here we go, back on the beach.

Carry on.

Carry on-ez vous.

You were very quick.

I was out like a light. Yeah, like that, sparko.

Really?

Yeah. No. I feel different.

I feel like I don't suffer from seasickness any more.

Why did the doctor have her head in her hands?

Did she? Oh, I think she had a migraine coming on.

Can children get migraines?

She wasn't that young.

She didn't know who Uri Geller was.

Why were you talking about Uri Geller?

No, I was talking about fraudsters in general. Not her!

I was just saying that there must be some out there.

But, no, yeah, I think it's done some good.

What's this?

That's for being brave.

Aw, cheers.

Well, better get off to the scout hut.

Do you want to stay tomorrow night and see if it worked?

Yeah, go on, then.

We can get a takeaway. I'll treat you to fish and chips.

-IN ELVIS VOICE:

-Thank you very much.

Very nice! House of Constantine, circa 224 to 330 AD.

That's what I said.

And this one is third century, possibly Claudius II.

I said that as well.

And all this out of the same field?

There's something good going on down there, Terry.

We're close, I can feel it.

What's Russell doing? Russell?

Russ!

Whatcha doin'?

I'm on my new app.

Your what?

It's my new app on my phone, it's a metal detecting app.

It's great. You can go on different historical sites to detect.

I'm currently on Hadrian's Wall.

Well, now I've seen everything.

Oh! Here we go. Good signal, 12.5.

It's deep.

Ah! Roman Centurion's helmet. Good condition.

I'm keeping it.

So, did Andy tell you who's been snooping around?

Who?

-Simon and Garfunkel.

-What, the Antiquisearchers?

Didn't they change their name to something ridiculous?

The Dirt Sharks.

Right, well, there you go, then. It's decided.

We are no longer the Dirt Sharks.

What are we?

Terra Firma.

Yes.

But we're spelling Terra the proper Latin way,

not the way you want to spell it.

It's scarier my way.

Right then, new name, new start.

This year, I am determined, will be the year

we are finally accepted onto a proper organised rally.

And when we are, I want us to be prepared.

-I want to see the Dirt Sharks...

-Terra Firma.

I want to see Terra Firma get the best finds in every category.

Gavin, what are you going to find?

James I, hammered groat.

Is it real?

I think so. I got it on eBay.

How deep will it be?

Four, five inches.

Reading?

53. A bit scratchy.

Nice. Michael?

Be realistic.

So I said, "If that turns out to be the case,

"I will change my name by deed poll to Belinda Carlisle."

What a wonderful story!

True as I'm sitting here now.

That restores your faith in humanity, doesn't it?

Another cup of tea, Belinda?

There she goes.

You know...

she has got the timing of Ken Dodd, that one.

I'll give you that one, Sheila.

We have a laugh, don't we, eh?

You idiot!

How can you get it so wrong?

I just thought...

What? What?

It doesn't matter.

Why don't you think before you open your mouth?

Knobhead.

Well, we've had a very busy week.

After a typically infuriating encounter with those two goons from the DMDC,

Paul and I decided to drop in on the landowner,

-see if we couldn't...

-Butter him up.

Curry favour, I was going to say.

And the information he gave us was...

Weapons grade.

Can you stop interrupting, please?

Turns out the church farm has been acquired by a solar energy company.

They're due to start converting the land in just under five weeks.

So did he give you permission?

He didn't, no.

But Photon Harvest Solar Electricity did. Paul's idea.

Cut out the middleman, go straight to the top,

offer them a service they can't live without.

What service?

Obstruction clearance, farm machinery, unexploded bombs.

That was my idea.

I just said it was your idea.

I gave you credit about two seconds ago, you don't have to repeat it.

Well, it was when I mentioned unexploded bombs,

and what happened to that idiot Terry Seymour

a couple of years ago, that their ears pricked right up.

And the permission, ladies and gentlemen,

-is...

-Ours.

Oh, God!

Are you the metal detectors?

Are we THE metal detectors?

Bloke I spoke to on the phone?

No.

Oh, right, we got some.

Some what?

We got some metal detectors who can do all this, so we don't need you.

Sorry wait, what?

We've got five weeks until this farm's converted.

Five weeks till the panels go up.

We've acquired the land, we need someone to get rid of the obstructions.

What, and you've got your own detectorists to do it for you?

They're freelance. They wrote to us, we've employed them.

What are they called?

A company called...Terra Firma.

Never heard of 'em.

And when are they showing up?

Well, I thought they were going to be here,

I was supposed to meet them. I thought you were them.

You are kidding me!

Are you the metal detectors?

Indeed we are. Terra Firma at your service, sir.

And I can see from our friends' faces,

they've heard the good news.

It's a sneaky bloody trick.

Quite the opposite, in fact.

We've been through all the correct channels,

as can be proved with this paper trail.

We've been on this farm five years.

Can't you all do it? I don't care if they do it as well.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You gave us the permission, as stated in this email.

We have the permission of the landowner.

Overruled, actually.

Oh, come on, there's only four of you and 300 acres.

Why can't you all work together?

We gave them a chance to share and they turned it down.

Why should we? We got here first.

We got here first. Why should we share it with you?

-You should share.

-Shut up.

-You shut up.

Jesus, it's like a school playground.

How old are you lot?

Look, we'll do it first come, first served.

Whoever gets here first gets the choice of their field.

Not fair.

Oh, all right, well, you can all sling your hooks, I don't care!

Hang on, hang on, wait. I can go along with that.

First come, first served.

OK.

See, we don't have to behave like kids.

Yeah, but after we've chosen the field,

there is an invisible force field all the way around

and you cannot enter it.

What if we haven't got our detectors?

It's impenetrable - impenetrable force field.

Right. Now shake hands.

No way.

Never.

Childish.

I know you are. What am I?

Huh?

GROANING

Feeling any better?

I think so.

Did it all come up?

I saw some fish eating it.

Did you?

Yeah.