Episode 1 Doodlebugs


Episode 1

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Transcript


LineFromTo

-Lincolnshire?

-Yes, sir.

-Binky.

-Yes, sir.

-Timkins.

-Yes, sir.

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-Cumberland.

-Yes, sir.

-Thomson.

-Yes, sir.

-Dribbler.

-Yes, sir.

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-Richard.

-Yes, sir.

-Pork And Mustard.

-Yes, sir.

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-Bratwurst.

-Yes, sir.

-Sweet Chilli.

-Yes, sir.

-Dangler.

-Yes.

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# Doodlebug, Doodlebug Doo-doo-doo Doodlebug

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# Doodlebug, Doodlebug Doo-doo-doo Doodlebug

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# Doodlebug, Doodlebug Doo-doo doodle-doodle

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# Doodlebug

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# Bmm-bmm-bmm-bmm

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# Doodlebug, Doodlebug Doo-doo-doo Doodlebug

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# Doodlebug, Doodlebug Doo-doo-doo Doodlebug. #

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Put me down now, Stephen.

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Stephen, come on it's bedtime.

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We know we said earlier... Argh!

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Come on, now don't make me call your mum...

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Come on now, you...

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You promised once you'd had your snack,

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you were going to go to bed. Now come on.

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Stephen... Stephen, you...

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Don't even think about it, Stephen!

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I'm warning you, I'm going to call your mother!

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Enough now. I've given you enough leeway.

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Ow!

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£8 an hour for baby-sitting...

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..you've got to be kidding me.

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POLE LAUGHS

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I don't know whether I like this any more!

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POLE CONTINUES LAUGHING

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Oh, Gary, be careful.

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Someone could just walk in at any minute.

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But, I can't wait any longer, just kiss me!

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Kiss me like you've never kissed anything before!

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Please, kiss me.

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Oh, God. Oh...

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Oh, Bryan's coming!

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Act natural, act natural!

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So, as I was saying, we've just had moss put on the wall.

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And we're thinking of putting in a dado rail.

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Oh, he's gone.

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Oh God, that was too close. We can't keep doing this, Gary!

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CAT PURRS

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What can I say? We're in love, you know?

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Sure, he's a cat, I'm a balloon...

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Oh, stop it! You're so affectionate.

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It shouldn't work, but it does.

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It really does.

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Am I happy? Do I look happy?

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Of course I'm happy, I'm delighted.

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Sure, there's an age gap,

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but this little furball keeps me young!

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And the people may talk, but let them talk,

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let them say what they want.

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I don't see any reason why we can't be together forever

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and ever and ever and e...

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CAT YOWLS

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LAWN MOWER MUNCHES

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LAWN MOWER BURPS

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MACHINE LAUGHS

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Uh-oh!

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Oooh!

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# You put the cat in the kettle and the kettle in the cat

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# And the cat in the kettle and it looks like that. #

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Everybody now, sing along!

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Oh, he's not interested now.

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Hang on, he loves this song, he'll be back.

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He'll be back. Come on, love.

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# Put the cat in the kettle and the kettle in the cat... #

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I mean it's not a famous nursery rhyme, but these things take time.

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You've got to start somewhere.

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-Ready?

-Yeah. You sure about this, dude?

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Dude! Trust me, man, it's such a rush! You're gonna love it.

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This does not feel safe, dude!

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This does not feel safe.

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Here we go, dude! OK, it's coming.

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Are you ready? Three, two, one...

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..woooo!

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-Whoa!

-Hey!

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What did I say, man? What a rush!

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Man, that is cricket, dude. That is cricket.

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# Doodlebug, Doodlebug Doo-doo-doo Doodlebug

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# Doodlebug, Doodlebug Doo-doo-doo Doodlebug. #

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EASTENDERS THEME PLAYS

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OK, quiet on set!

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I'm going to rehearse it one more time with the actress!

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And the next time, we're going to shoot! OK.

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And...action!

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OK. Walk to me, walk to me. Good, good.

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Open the tap. Excellent.

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OK., What's the first line? "I do, I do something."

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-I do know that I wasn't very nice to him...

-Yes, good.

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OK, good. Nice energy.

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-Tell you that, did he?!

-Good good, bring bit more.

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-Pillow talk!

-Pillow talk, lovely. Give bit more to me.

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Tell you that I was a hard-faced cow? Yeah, well, maybe I am, but...

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You are. You are a hard-faced cow.

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What's the next line?

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-He didn't deserve nice.

-Excellent. Keep it low, nice and low for me.

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-What was he? What was he?

-Selfish!

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A selfish what? A selfish what, hmm?

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A selfish man that was only happy when he was centre of attention.

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Now he's done a bunk, but you'd know all about that, wouldn't ya?!

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Love it! Bring to me, come on.

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Quiet again, quiet.

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-Selfish...

-Buenisimo!

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-Who is it? Who is it?

-Ev.

-Ev?

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I think it's Trev.

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-She sussed him years ago.

-Is it Ev or is it Trev?

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I think it's Trev.

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# Doodlebug, Doodlebug Doo-doo-doo Doodlebug

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# Doodlebug. #

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-Hiya!

-Hi...

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-You've gone all shy.

-No, I haven't!

-He has. He's gone all shy, look.

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LAUGHTER

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Um, we're brothers.

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-Twins.

-Yeah, of course, twins!

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And, um...

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..a lot of people often confuse us.

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-Um, can't tell the difference.

-No.

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But you can. If you look closely, we've got different noses.

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-Different noses.

-We're here cos,

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-well, we're hoping to secure a record deal.

-Record deal, yeah.

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-To Simon Cowell...

-If you're out there...

-..sign us up!

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No, only joking. I think we've got good voices.

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-Cracking voices.

-Cracking voices, yeah.

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And we look good.

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-And our USP is that...

-BOTH:

-..we're twins!

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In the tradition of twin pop stars.

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Yeah, Jedward and The Proclaimers.

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Um, and Daft Punk.

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-Are Daft Punk brothers?

-Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they are.

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-Yeah, they're twins.

-Really?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

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What, cos of the helmets?

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-No, that's their faces.

-Really?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Wow.

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# Around the world Around the world

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# Around the world Around the world. #

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OPERA SINGING

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Yep. It's a yes from me.

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Hey, you know what? I have a guilty pleasure!

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-What's this guilty pleasure?

-It's, I love to watch Mr Bean.

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Ah! Mr Bean so funny!

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It's so funny! Because he's always making a mistake.

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Oh, look over here! Oh, bounce on my nose!

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And he slips over!

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I love the one where it's Christmas and he's making a turkey.

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And it ends up on his head!

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Oh, Mr Bean, you're so crazy!

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And he doesn't know where he's going!

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Oh, Mr Bean!

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Mr Bean!

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# Is there life on Mars?

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# Is there life on Mars? #

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Probably not, but we can but dream.

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I was watching more Mr Bean.

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-Oh, bene, bene.

-He's so funny.

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He's got a car, and he's strapping an armchair to the roof of a car.

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-Si.

-And he's driving along!

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Wait a minute! How he drive his car from armchair on the roof?

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Oh, that's a good question!

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He's using a broomstick.

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A broomstick? Oh!

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I mean, who would do that in real life?

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Mr Bean!

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I love Mr Bean!

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So funny!

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# Here I go again on my own!

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# Going down the only road I've ever known

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# Like a drifter I was born to walk alone! #

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She's so bright for a three-year-old, you know?

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I said, "There's no way you can build me any taller,"

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and then she did! Shush, shush, shush!

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-What?

-Shush!

-What is it?

-Everyone shush!

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-What's coming!

-What's wrong?

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-He's coming!

-Who?

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Oh!

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-There's a parakeet behind me, isn't there?

-Yes.

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Now look, if this is about me touching your nuts,

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I had no idea they were yours.

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-Perfectly still...

-Please, Mr Parakeet.

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-Show no fear.

-Don't hurt me!

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-Shut up.

-I've never done nothing...

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Whoops! I love your quiff!

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Great party.

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Welcome, traveller,

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who dares to drink the un-flushed wee

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must answer first these riddles three.

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No, you've got to answer the riddles first.

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All right, have a bit now, but then answer the riddles.

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All right?

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Wings have I but feathered not, and two legs for...

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No. You're not supposed to drink

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until you've answered the three riddles.

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Come back, sir.

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Hey, mate, come here.

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I've got a mouse you can have. Come in and have a look.

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No, it's all right. Come on, just stick your head in here.

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No, seriously.

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Hey! It's just toast! Toast, isn't it?

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Toast, cat! Toast! Idiot!

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Yeah, we have a right old good craic around here.

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We... In fact, the other day, yesterday,

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we were winding Mickey up about the new Doctor Who being a woman.

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He reckoned it's stolen his childhood.

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Mickey! What do you reckon about the new Doctor Who being a woman?

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Yeah, they've stolen my childhood.

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He's a stick in the mud, isn't he?

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I'm all for it myself. The winds of change - I think it's a good thing.

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Oh, yeah, I love it here.

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Have they no shame?!

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It's disgusting!

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They should do that in the privacy of their own home!

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Yeah!

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I just think it's disgusting!

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Rubbing our noses in it like this!

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Just brazen, isn't it?!

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What are you looking at, sweetheart?

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You've never seen a white and blue beach hut together before?

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It's 2017. Wake up and smell the coffee!

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-I feel really self-conscious.

-Ignore them.

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You're with me. All right?

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-You make me feel happy.

-You make me feel happy too.

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-I really love you.

-I love you.

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It's us against the world.

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Hello, beautiful lady!

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-Please leave.

-OK, maybe I see you later at the bar?

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This is my one chance to relax, thank you.

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Goodbye, beautiful lady!

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Thank you.

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I don't think they're coming back.

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First time in Cape Town?

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Oh, let me guess, I'm on your bucket list?

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You know what you want to do?

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You want to get yourself up to Table Mountain.

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It's like a mountain with its head chopped off.

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# Para bailar la bamba

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# Whoa!

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# Para bailar la bamba se necessita una poca de gracia... #

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Whoa!

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Yes, I speak many languages, including the language of love.

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I am so lonely!

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Sir, is this your first time in Cape Town, sir?

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Have you asked him if this is his first time in Cape Town?

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He says it is!

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All right! Tell him to go to Table Mountain - it'll blow his mind!

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You always say this!

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I love Table Mountain!

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-Ah, this is nice.

-Mm-hm.

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-Ahem.

-It's that waiter, isn't it?

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I think he's waiting for a tip.

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-Tip.

-I'm not going to tip, this is an all-inclusive resort.

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So just forget...

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Tip, tip, tip,

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tip, tip,

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-tip, tip, tip, tip!

-It's quite distracting.

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-Fart!

-He just farted, Doug.

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Sorry, do you mind not farting so much?

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-Nah.

-Very smelly, I can smell him.

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Excuse me, do you even work here?

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No, just like tips.

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# I wasn't looking for this

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# But now you're in my way

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# Your stare was holding

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# Ripped jeans, skin was showing

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# Hot night, wind was blowing

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# Where you think you're going, baby?

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# Hey, I just met you

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# And this is crazy

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# But here's my number

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# So call me maybe

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It's hard to look right at you, baby

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# But here's my number

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# So call me maybe

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# Hey, I just met you

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# And this is crazy

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# But here's my number

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# So call me maybe

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# And all the other boys

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# Try to chase me

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# But here's my number

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# So call me maybe... #

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Scrumdiddlyumptious.

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You know I heard something, but maybe it's just a rumour...

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-Si.

-That they are making a third film of Mr Bean.

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Get out of town!

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No, it's not get out of town, it's true!

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And in the film, he gets into a hot-air balloon.

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What happens in the hot-air balloon?

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He goes up, up and up and up into the sky

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-and then into space!

-Into space?!

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I mean, who would do that in real life?

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BOTH: Mr Bean!

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# Doodlebug, Doodlebug Doo-doo-doo doodle-doodle

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# Doodlebug

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# Bmm-bmm-bmm-bmm

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# Doodlebug, Doodlebug Doo-doo-doo Doodlebug

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# Doodlebug, Doodlebug Doo-doo-doo Doodlebug

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# Doodlebug, Doodlebug Doo-doo-doo doodle-doodle

0:14:130:14:17

# Doodlebug, Doodlebug! #

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