Episode 2 Doodlebugs

Ha-ha! Wet, wet, wet, wet, wet, wet, wet, wet, wet, wet, wet, wet,

wet, wet, wet, wet, wet, wet, wet, wet, wet, wet, wet, wet, wet, wet,

wet! Ha, they'll never know!

Goodbye!

MUSIC: TO THE TUNE OF LOLLIPOP # Doodlebug, Doodlebug

# Doot-do-do Doodlebug

# Doodlebug, Doodlebug # Doot-do-do Doodlebug

# Doodlebug, Doodlebug # Doot-do-do doodle Doodlebug

# Ba-bum-bum-bum

# Doodlebug, Doodlebug # Doot-do-do Doodlebug

# Doodlebug, Doodlebug... #

I don't know, I just...

It's just a bit plain, isn't it?

I just fancy something more zhoosh-y,

a bit more, you know, chic, sort of...

Oh, hang on. Oh, oh, that is so different.

Oh, that is cray-cray! Ha-ha!

I'll have it. I'll take it.

Now, listen to this.

My mother-in-laaaaaaw...

Thank you all for coming.

The big news is that we've finally set up a firewall that works.

We are no longer able to be hacked by Russians.

Ah, I was told this worked.

THEY ALL GROAN

-Oh, no!

-Well, you've got to take your hat off to the Russians.

-Oh, yes, actually.

-Very good.

-How good.

-RUSSIAN ACCENT:

-Mission complete.

I hope I'm doing it right.

Am I doing it right?

I hope I'm doing it right.

Am I doing it right?

I hope I'm doing it right.

Am I doing it right?

Achoo!

Ohh, that was a good one.

Yeah, that's it. Bag up my bogeys and sell them.

Oh, here comes another.

Achoo!

I don't know why, but my bogeys are a delicacy in Malaysia.

Pick up the box, take the box across.

Drop the box.

You're doing great.

TO A BEATBOX BEAT: # And across and down

# Pick up the box Up with the box

# Across with the box and back with the box and down with the box.

# Picking up there Up to the left and down

# Pick up the box, take the box across, and back with the box... #

You know Richard?

Mm, yeah, Richard.

He just... I mean...

He just really winds me up.

-Mm.

-I'm here at nine every day, I don't leave till seven.

He just sort of swans in, clearly been out all night...

Oh, that's Richard for you.

It's just...

It's just a true sort of lack of respect for his colleagues.

I think, yeah, he can be charming, but, you know, that's not the point.

Yes, right.

Wayhey! Dickie's back! What have I missed?

Oh, Richard, what are you like?

# Oppan Gangnam style

# Gangnam style

# Op, op, op, op

# Oppan Gangnam style. #

IRISH ACCENT: Hello, ho-ho-ho! My name's Michael Flatdish

and these are my little Dancing Dishes of Donegal.

Ho-ho! Off you go, girls.

IRISH FOLK MUSIC PLAYS

And a one, two, and a one, two.

That's it, lovely stuff!

Mary!

Mary, will you keep up?!

I just can't seem to get the rhythm. Trying as fast as I can.

Mary, you've got two left feet, you're out of sync there, girl.

I just can't seem to get the rhythm.

Dah. Well, you weren't tired last night dancing around Flanagan's making a fool of yourself.

My legs are all over the place.

Ah, you're just like your mother. You little tease, you!

Don't you talk about my mammy like that, Flatdish.

She had two left feet.

He-he.

Send her my love.

# Doodlebug, Doodlebug # Doot-do-do Doodlebug

# Doodlebug, Doodlebug, doot-do-do Doodle doodle Doodlebug. #

EASTENDERS THEME PLAYS

Enter Danny!

LAMPSHADE: Go. What's your first line? What's your first line?

I'm at a loss, L.

Excellent, now close the door.

I don't know what you want.

Describe Whitney for me, describe Whitney for me!

-Whitney...

-Yes, Whitney, yes.

-She's, like, half our age.

-Thanks for reminding me.

-She's the one being mature about this.

-Good, good.

-Who is she with?

-She's with Woody.

Woody, good, what else?

-She was totally upfront with the geezer.

-Yeah.

-Excellent.

-Just like we always said we would be.

-OK, give me something quick with the hands.

-Is this how it's going to be?

-Like it...

-Just random rows...

-Now just the left hand.

-..a couple of days' peace...

-Nice.

-..then, like, a tear up, yeah?

-You...

-Come to the bed, come to the bed.

You lied to me.

Come to the bed. Tell her why.

I couldn't tell you any sooner...

-Tell her why, tell her why!

-..because you wasn't here...

Love it! Turn to him.

I asked you if you told me everything.

OK, hands to the head.

Now to the face, to the face.

-You kissed her twice, Mick.

-Now hold it.

Hold the face, hold the face.

-I know.

-She knows! Keep holding the face.

-You kissed in the hospital after the bus crash.

-Don't remove the hand from the face.

-Tell me that you didn't!

-Remove the hand from the face.

And cut!

# Doodlebug. #

WHISTLING

Ahem.

30 years I've been doing this job.

Yep, 30 years.

Do I get bored of it? No, I do not.

Never dropped a tart.

N-not in my life.

I nearly had a near-miss once,

the day Diana died.

Uh, but then, you know, that's to be expected,

wasn't it? A very emotional day.

Mickey, on the other hand, massive James Bond fan,

he dropped four cakes the day Roger Moore died.

We all had a good crack at him about that, he-he-he.

Mickey! Do you remember you dro... Remember the day Roger Moore died?

How many cakes did you drop?

Four.

Four. Four cakes.

Well, I'm a massive James Bond fan, that's why.

Ha-ha-ha!

Never had a day off. Never had a day off.

Wouldn't want to. I don't know what I'd do with myself, I'd get bored.

He-he-he.

# You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same

# You wanna be where everybody knows your name. #

Right, here's one for you. You'll like this.

There's an Englishman, an Irishman and a...

Scotsmaaaaaan...

All right, hello, how are you doing?

I'm a creepy roundabout.

Yeah.

And I'm not always been here on my own in the woods, no, no, no.

I used to be in a playground,

but they moved me on account of being too creepy, he-he.

Well, no, it's partly due to my age and my colour,

sort of ghoulish grey, I suppose you could describe it as.

Yeah, also cos sometimes I do this.

Blergh-oooo-oooo-woooooerrrrgh!

Argh-argh-arrgh!

Which, you know, I can understand, because,

well, it is creepy, isn't it?

Hur-hur-hur.

Boo!

Hi, sorry, it's my first day, think I'm supposed to plop you up in...

Oh, blimey, that is actually quite heavy.

Um, sorry, I think I can only do about four of you.

Oh, butterfingers!

Right, I'll just...

-Ow!

-Sorry about that.

That really hurt!

-Right, I'll just plop you win here.

-Ooh, he's a bit rough, isn't he?

Clueless.

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

Yes!

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

Here we are, sir, four more logs for you, sire!

Yes! More logs! Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.

Yes, sir, coming right up, four more logs,

Absolutely, sir.

Yes, another quartet of logs, please!

Yes, your Highness, more logs. Thank you.

Never stop bringing me logs!

Where are my logs?

I asked for more logs!

-Four more logs here for you, sir. Absolutely.

-Nom, nom, nom.

Bring me logs till nightfall,

and then, on the morrow,

I think we shall feast on more logs, ah-ha-ha-ha!

# Doodlebug, Doodlebug # Doot-do-do Doodlebug

# Doodlebug, Doodlebug # Doot-do-do Doodlebug

# Doodlebug, Doodlebug, doot-do-do # Doodle doodle Doodlebug #

HARPS PLAYING

FARTING NOISES

-Oh, dear, oh, dear.

-Oh, that is savage.

Oh, someone's had sprouts for lunch.

Open a window!

Ugh, that's disgusting.

-Flipping heck, love, heard you the first time.

-Ooh.

Oh, that...

FARTING NOISE

Oh, the cheek of it!

FARTING NOISE

Oh, you dirty devil!

FARTING NOISE

OK, be honest. With hair?

Without hair? What do you think?

With hair or without hair?

Honestly, be honest. With hair or without hair?

Cos I'm trying to decide, I can't decide, with hair or without hair?

OK, like, with it or without?

Honestly, I want your opinion.

MUSIC: Sandstorm by Darude

-BOTH SINGING ALONG:

-# Doo-doo-doo-duh-duh-duh-doo-doo!

# Duh-duh-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo!

# Duh-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-duh-duh!

# Duh-duh-duh-duh-doo-doo-duh-duh! #

-Ah!

-Thank you for that!

We'll have a rest, you carry on, Carol.

No, yeah, loved it. I loved it.

Good one, Carol, yep!

Oof! Ah!

Ah, she's still going, bless her.

THEY BOTH PANT AND GROAN

Were you, like, "What's going on?"

I was literally, like, "What's going on?"

Yeah, that's what I was like.

Yeah, I was like, "What's going on, like?"

I thought they were taking us to the basement. I was, like, "Hang on, we're going outside."

I was actually, like, "Where are we going at all?"

-Yeah.

-Like, I couldn't even think where we was going.

And now I'm outside, I'm still, like, "What?"

-Yeah, I'm, like, "What?"

-Like, "Why am I here?"

I'm not being funny...

-No, I'm not being funny either.

-It's freezing out here.

-Yeah, it's not nice.

-It's disgusting.

-How long do we have to stand here? I feel like such a mug.

I don't know, I feel like a mug.

Like, I just feel like we've been out here so long now

-and I was just, like, "What?"

-Do you feel like you've been mugged off?

-I do feel like I've been mugged off.

-Yeah, That's how I feel. And, like, also, on paper,

I feel like a mug.

Hnnnnnngh!

E-excuse me, guys, er, has anyone got a pair of scissors I could borrow?

Hello? Anyone?!

What am I going to do?!

I'm getting married!

I'm getting married but I-I'm stuck to a post!

Ha-ha! Oh! Ah-ha-ha-ha!

What am I going to do?

Um, Miss, hello?

Er, could you just make a phone call?

Tell the vicar I'm going to be late!

A-ha-ha-ha!

Hi, there, I'm starting my work experience here this morning

and I've been told to report to a Dirty Jim?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's me.

Yeah, welcome to Dirty Jim's Island.

Er, thank you, I think.

Wonderful.

Errrrgh?

HE HUMS GREENSLEEVES

Errrrrgh.

Ptoooey!

He-he-he-he-he.

HE BELCHES: Right, you'll like this one. There's two nuns in the

baaaaaaaaaaa...

# Down, down, deeper and down

# Down, down, deeper and down

# Down, down, deeper and down

# Down, down, deeper and down... #

What's the words? I don't know the words!

THEY SIGH

You're just a stupid '70s school building,

I'm a demolition ball coming for all of you!

Boom! Boom, boom, boom all day long.

Bricks, cement, don't bother me, I'll just...

Boom! ..come at you harder and faster.

I'm going to make you wish you were never built! How do you like them apples?

Boom!

I'm coming for you next, Mr Windowpane.

I'll be starting the bidding for lot number 42 at £10.

Have I got £10? The lady on the right, £10.

£15. £15, £20. £20, £30,

40, 45, 50, 55, 60,

£60, 65, £75. £80, £90. £95,

£100. 105, 110. 120, 125, 135,

and 145, 145, 150.

150, going, going, going. Gone!

And sold! To the gentleman who looks like all the other gentlemen.

Thank you.

CAR HORN BEEPS

Hang on a second.

Who's that?

Who is that?

Hang on. I don't even know who that is, though.

No, seriously though, who is that?

Oh, my gosh. I think I'm being replaced!

-Oh, my God!

-I can't even look!

-I can't even...

-I don't even know who she is, like...

-Who is she?

-Oh, no, I'm so sorry.

What is she? What's going on?

I don't know, darl... Wait, hang on a sec.

-Who's that?

-Oh, babe.

-No, no, seriously, though, who is that?

Babe, this is the worst day of my life.

I think I'm being replaced as well!

-Oh, babe, I can't believe this.

-Oh, my God, I can't believe this.

# I got that sunshine in my pocket

# Got that good soul in my feet

# I feel that hot blood in my body When it drops

# I can't take my eyes up off it

# Moving so phenomenally

# Room on lock the way we rock it, so don't stop

# And under the lights, when everything goes

# Nowhere to hide when I'm getting you close

# When we move, well, you already know

# So just imagine, just imagine, just imagine

# Nothing I can see but you when you dance, dance, dance

# Feeling good, good, creeping up on you

# So just dance, dance, dance, come on

# All those things I shouldn't do

# But you dance, dance, dance

# Ain't nobody leaving soon, so keep dancing

# I can't stop the feeling

# So just dance, dance, dance

# I can't stop the feeling!

# So just dance, dance, dance... #

-Come on.

-I can't stop the feeling.

And now for the grand finale,

the Dancing Dishes of Donegal will turn on the lasers!

That's it, girls. Lovely stuff.

Oh, Mary.

Stupid laser, just like your mother. Dah.

It's harder than it looks, you know,

when you get started and everything like that.

My name's Michael Flatdish, good night!

Mary!

# Doodlebug, Doodlebug # Doot-do-do doodle Doodlebug

# Ba-bum-bum-bum

# Doodlebug, Doodlebug # Doot-do-do Doodlebug

# Doodlebug, Doodlebug # Doot-do-do Doodlebug

# Doodlebug, Doodlebug # Doot-do-do doodle doodle Doodlebug

# A-Doodlebug. #