Episode 1 Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live

This programme contains some strong language.

It's Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live.

Please welcome your host, Kevin Bridges!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

Good evening, everybody. How are we doing?

CHEERING

Welcome along to Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live.

In aid of Waverley Care, so give yourselves a massive

round of applause for coming out and raising money for a good cause.

APPLAUSE

Good people. Good, good people. Give me a cheer if you're from Edinburgh.

LOUD CHEERING

Good, I like performing in Edinburgh. It's good to come to the Fringe.

Glasgow and Edinburgh are two very different cities.

That's easily summed up.

In Edinburgh, when a gun goes off, it's one o'clock.

And we'll leave it at that.

Give me a cheer if you're not from Edinburgh. The tourists.

QUIETER CHEERING

-Where are we from?

-Canada!

-Canada. Cool.

-Australia!

-Australia.

It's turned into an auction.

Any advance on Australia?

Belfast?

Canada, Australia, and then we're going to go for Belfast.

That's a more exotic choice. Where's the Belfast man?

MAN SHOUTS

Are you at the top deck? I thought you were down there.

Sorry. I was in Belfast last month.

A fantastic thing has opened up in Belfast.

They've opened up an '80s bar...

in Belfast. An '80s bar...

in Belfast. Of all the major cities you don't want to go...

..and celebrate the '80s.

Belfast is up there. There's people chucking petrol bombs at each other,

rubbing shit on the walls.

But who cares? Karma Chameleon's on.

BELFAST ACCENT: I'm a man without conviction.

Welcome to the tourists.

It's good to see Canada and Australia. Welcome to Edinburgh.

I was at a music festival in Spain this year.

There was a bit of hostility towards tourists.

We saw a guy, he had a T-shirt on that said, "Spanish festivals for Spanish people"...

written in English.

I'm reading his T-shirt and thinking, "If that is the attitude, you need to cancel some of the bands."

"You need to cancel Kings Of Leon, The Killers, Rage Against The Machine.

"Good luck with the Ketchup Song."

Three nights in a field, just going, "I said, ah-hey, ah-hah, ah-hey..."

"A-hemana-hemana..."

Hello, front row. How we doing? Young guys at the front. What's your name?

What's that?

"You're amazing"? Good...

Are you kind of meow-meow, mephedrone, amazing?

Just happy to be on the telly. What's your name?

-Craig.

-Where are you from, Craig?

-Edinburgh.

-Should have seen that coming, to be fair.

-Are you a student?

-No.

-What do you do for a living?

-I'm a boxer...

Say that again.

A boxer's model.

You're a boxer's what?

-A boxer's model.

-A boxer's model?

That's a bit like the game Deal Or No Deal. I could have spoken to anybody.

I just took the 250 box right out of the game.

You're a boxer's model. Does that mean you get punched in the face for a living?

Pretty much.

Boxer's model... what does that mean?

You spar...? I don't really know boxing. I'm not a violent guy.

Enlighten me here.

-Just poses.

-Just pose? Oh, boxer shorts!

I thought you just stood there... "Uh! Uh!"

You model boxer shorts. That's awesome!

Is that what you thought he meant, as well?

I'm the dickhead here. I do apologise.

What brand of boxers do you model?

-Next.

-Next.

Anybody?

Couple of people. Next.

You're looking to see if you recognise the guy.

"Yeah, I recognise him from last year's Autumn/Winter collection."

Welcome along. Is everybody in the mood for a good night of comedy?

This is the show to catch. We've about a billion comedians on, doing about ten seconds each.

I'm your host, I'll be on in between the acts.

The first act is from Dublin. Any Dubliners in the room?

CHEERING

Couple of people. People from Edinburgh, Dublin has a thing you'll love.

It has a tram that moves.

APPLAUSE

Have you seen the tram on Princes Street? It just sits there.

It does nothing.

But there are still tourists queuing up to get on.

"What time's departure?" "2012, pal."

I was on the Dublin tram. It's called the Luas.

There's a warning sign on the Dublin tram that says, "Pay the fare, or pay the price."

It's the same thing, isn't it?

DUBLIN ACCENT: "Did you pay the fare? We paid the price."

"What price was the fare?" "Oh, it was a fair price."

Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to kick off in style, welcoming one

of the most consistently brilliant live comics at this festival.

Are we in the mood for a good evening of comedy? Let's make some noise.

Let's keep it going. A lot of love in the room.

Welcome to the stage the wonderful Jason Byrne!

Oh, my God, this is posh!

Look at you all in your good clothes because the telly's here and there's lights on you.

"Better get a suit from Next!"

Oh, my God. It's brilliant. I love Scottish people.

And I love the fact there's not any real royalty in this town, so you

just get people from housing estates to sit in the boxes up there. It's great.

A couple of builders and the missus over there

and a couple of electricians in those boxes over there.

All right!

How in the name of God did you get in that box over there?

Are you working in that box?

Doing a bit of plastering?

"Oh, better stay. There's a show on.

"Great! I'll ring the missus."

I'm not having a poo, I'm going to get back up. Sorry.

I love Scottish people. You're miserable. It's brilliant.

I was in Australia before I came here. Three and a half months.

Where are the Australians down there? Well done, the Australians.

Always near the front, the Australians, in every show

in Edinburgh, so they can get near the natural light of the stage.

AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: "I've got to get near the light. Ah, that's nice.

"Yeahhh."

The Scottish and Irish, up in the dark, in the damp, in the roof.

"This is all right, I'll stay here.

"I'm not going down the front, it might make me happy."

It's just great, the misery of the Scots.

Your hearts beats twice a year, it's brilliant! Boof!

"What the hell was that?"

"I'm blue!"

Even your breakfast is miserable.

There's nothing happy about breakfast.

"What do you want for breakfast?" "Porridge!"

"What do you want with it? Sugar?" "No! Salt! I want to die!"

People crawling along to work with no energy whatsoever.

"Oh, my God, somebody help us, for Christ's sake..."

"We need money into this city."

"What can we do?" "I don't know."

"I know, do the Tattoo."

"Trick loads of old people and bring them to this thing called the Tattoo."

They must have rang up Michael Flatley to get the idea off him.

Just loads of people doing the same shit at the same time.

Nothing more terrifying than those buses arriving to Edinburgh with tons of old people just being poured off.

It's like a zombie movie as they all head up to the castle.

"We're here to see the marching soldiers.

"Where's the marching soldiers?"

"My God, I love this city, it's amazing."

"Can you tell me where the castle is, please?"

"You mean that thing on the hill up there?!"

Unbelievable.

I love the Tattoo because it's such a scam! Isn't it?

Loads of army people, "Just go this way, just go this way".

"Quick, they're watching. Change, go this way."

"This way, quick. Back up, back up, this way, quick."

"Bring a cannon out."

"Lights. Fireworks!" "Wow, never seen them before."

"Yes, I have!"

There's nothing more terrifying for old people.

What a way to get rid of old people, to send them to the Tattoo.

That last bit is totally terrifying.

They're all sitting there with their blankets, all together, then the Tattoo ends.

Boof!

Ahh...

"Oh, my God." "What's wrong?"

"Mary's dead."

"Quick, take her blanket."

"And her biscuits."

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm very sorry for upsetting your culture.

But I'm Irish, and that's my job.

I'm Jason Byrne. Enjoy the rest of the marathon.

Jason Byrne. Yeah.

Did you enjoy that?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Next up, you'll have seen this guy on Live at the Apollo. He has his own BBC Two show starting soon.

Please show some love in the room, go nuts for Stephen K Amos.

Hello. Hello, Edinburgh. That's what I'm talking about.

I love your city. Everybody descends on your lovely city

this month in August and I love our American cousins, they're brilliant.

Two days ago, I'm walking down one of your hilly streets.

Two American tourists walked up to me. I knew they were American because they were wearing bin liners.

AMERICAN ACCENT: "Oh, my God, cobbles! Cobbles are everywhere!"

One of them stopped me and said, "Excuse me, sir.

"That over there - is that the castle? Is that the castle?"

I couldn't resist. I said, "No...

"..That's Gotham City."

They were like, "Oh, my God, you know everything. Who are you?"

I said, "I am the last King of Scotland."

I took a couple of days off. I was touring your lovely country of Scotland.

I went to the Highlands, a place called Aviemore. Do you know Aviemore?

ALL: Yeah.

The locals call it the Hollywood of the Highlands.

I can assure you, it is not.

One light bulb does not Hollywood make.

There's no diversity there. No richness of people,

there are no ethnic minorities, no midgets, there are no... women.

Obviously, there are, but you can't always tell the difference.

Ooh!

Oh, shut your face!

I say what I see.

I said to the woman organising the show, "Excuse me, love.

"Are there any black people here?"

And she went, "Och, aye!"

"Och, aye!"

"There's black Tony."

I was intrigued. I had to meet black Tony.

I found him. He was Spanish.

That's why I love you Scots. You don't mess about.

You say it like it is.

It reminds me of the other people who tend to say what they think, the Australians. Any Australians here?

I love you people.

I did a live breakfast radio interview in Adelaide in Australia.

I have no idea what year it is in Adelaide, for the mullet is alive and well.

This man, live breakfast radio interview, said, "So, Steve, you come to Australia a bit.

"You must get recognised a lot."

"Tell me, what about at night?"

To my face!

I'm like, "I didn't know we were going down Racist Road.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

I don't know about you, Scotland, but at night time, this has never, ever, ever happened to me.

Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam...

Bang!

"What was that?"

"Oh, a black person."

Good night. Thank you very much.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Stephen K Amos!

I'm now going to introduce a man who is this year's hottest ticket at the Fringe, ever since my show sold out.

He's brilliant. You're going to love this guy. One of my favourite comics,

one of the most naturally funny men on the circuit.

Give it up for the wonderful John Bishop!

Hello, good evening, how are you? Good. Good. Nice to be here.

Like everybody who's come onto the stage is going to say, we love Edinburgh. And we do.

I love it particularly at this time of year because you're a welcoming city.

Someone asked me to sum up the Edinburgh Festival the other day.

It was a Wednesday night, I was doing a radio interview.

I said, "You know how I can sum it up?"

"I just walked into a pub and there was a man in the corner with a top hat on, drinking a pint of Guinness,

"and no-one punched him in the head."

What a wonderful thing.

You must be like I am.

I come here and look at these people and think, "Where do you go for 11 months of the year?

"Where do you possibly fit in?"

I've been coming to this city, doing the Edinburgh Festival, for six years.

I even brought my kids. First time was five years ago.

At that point, they would've been five, seven and nine.

You probably remember the year, because they only came up for a week and it was sunny for five days.

You remember that famous sunny week that you had when it was sunny every day?

There's been a museum built to it.

I brought my kids up and I thought, "This is great.

"I'm exposing them to the benefits of the Edinburgh Festival".

Then I realised, that's a disaster, because at that point that was their only experience of Scotland.

That's what they thought Scotland was.

They thought Scotland was a sunny place full of happy people and jugglers.

That's a disaster.

I thought, "One day they'll go on a stag do to Glasgow in February and get their head kicked in".

But I do like it. I like the fact that you have this festival here, in the capital city of your country.

I love the sense of pride you've got in that.

The fact that you have a cannon that you fire at one o'clock

every day, just so the English know you've got a cannon.

Obviously, you haven't worked out is that if we decide to invade again, we might do it at half two.

I also love the fact that when you built a parliament building,

you didn't do it like everyone thought you were going to do it.

You went to Ikea.

APPLAUSE

You got the biggest flat-pack in the world and then you built something horrible.

But I love the fact that you built something horrible just because you

were building next door to where the Queen lives. I love that.

I love that indignation, so that any time the Queen comes and opens her curtains,

she goes, "Oh, for f... sake, look at that!"

And you're all going, "Ah!"

I like that sense of standing up for yourself.

I'm not a big royalist. I'm not a massive fan of the Royal Family.

I'm from Liverpool. I don't mind people living off the state but I think they take the piss.

I know that tonight is a special night for the benefit of a lot

of people, so I've got to go because we're all only on for five minutes.

I know. If there's any girls I've met in the past, you'll know that that's a long time.

So I'm going to shoot off. But on behalf of everybody

who's going to benefit out of tonight's gig, thanks for coming.

God bless and I'll see you some time in the future. Good night. God bless.

John Bishop!

Next up, a big man with a big heart. One of the UK's top comics.

Give it up for Justin Moorhouse!

Thank you very much. Hello!

Hello. Hello! More of you.

Hello. It's OK, I know what happens at the beginning of every show.

I get this all the time.

You're staring at me, working it out, going, "He's from the north of England, yes.

"Yes, he's working class".

And girls, you're all thinking it. Looking at me and going, "He's brilliant at the sex".

I am. It's amazing. I don't know if you've tried it with a fat lad. We're brilliant.

Girls, give us a go. If you've never been on a fat lad, give it a go.

Amazing. Best time you'll ever have.

Do you know why? When we get it, we're grateful.

We try really hard.

Maybe at a wedding, at the end of the night, it's a teary affair.

You're a bit upset, you're on your own, you look across the dance floor and this is your option.

Don't give it up as a bad job. You've seen us at the buffet table, we have a voracious appetite.

You know what I'm saying. Take that analogy further.

We'll start at either end. You know what I'm saying, girls.

Give us a go.

Under the bedclothes with the lights off, it's like a threesome.

But without the moral indignation.

I've lost some weight recently.

Two stone. Thanks for your support(!)

CHEERING

Don't applaud now, it's patronising.

In other countries, they'd be whooping and hollering.

In America, they'd be carrying me out shoulder high...

Well, not carrying me, showing me the exit door.

In this country, "I've lost two stone." "And?"

"What did you do - go for a shit and sneeze at the same time?"

"We call that a clear-out, fatty. Get on with it."

Little things, though. The reason why I had to lose weight, this is the truth. How sad is this?

I was ironing my own shirt before a gig.

Halfway through, I thought, "Am I pressing bedding?"

You know you're too fat when you've finished ironing your own shirt

and you have to bring your mate in from next door to help you fold it.

"Why have you got buttons in the middle of your duvet?" "Shut it. Carry on."

What's that thing you check to find out how fat you are? What's it called?

Not a BMI - a mirror.

I looked in the mirror. "I'm a mess. I have to do something about it."

I put my statistics in, it's unbelievable. It turns out I'm morbidly obese.

Laugh your head off. My kids will be orphans because I'm greedy. Fun times. I'm morbidly obese.

So, I tell you this, my friends. It's not about losing a couple of stone for me.

I've got a real target in life. I don't want to be morbidly obese.

I want to be... obese.

It's only when you're this big can you get away with that as a goal in life.

"What are your hopes and aspirations?" "To be obese!" "Go for it, fatty! Enjoy yourself."

Thank you for listening. Enjoy the festival. I'm Justin Moorhouse. Good night.

Justin Moorhouse.

I'm going to get cracking on.

Next, a Fringe favourite. He's getting rave reviews for his show this year.

Welcome to the stage, Andrew Lawrence.

Thank you very much. What a lovely audience. Lots of couples.

I like that. I've got a girlfriend now.

It's not been easy for me.

I don't think I'm the most attractive man in the world.

Looking at my face is like reading in a car.

For ten minutes, it's all right, then you start to feel a little bit sick.

I'm quite squinty-eyed. You'll notice this as my set goes on.

I've got contact lenses, and they're not very comfortable.

Contact lenses are like parents. The older they get, the more they irritate you.

Then you lose one and the one that's left behind gives you a constant headache.

I started doing comedy and thought, "I'm on to a good thing here.

"If there is one thing women find attractive in a man, it's a good sense of humour."

Then I found out that's rubbish.

Ladies, when you say you find a good sense of humour attractive in a man,

you mean that when you find a man attractive, you'll laugh at any old crap that comes out of his mouth.

That's one of the lessons life has taught me.

Old cliches about communication.

They say all good relationships are about communication and listening.

I'm rubbish at listening. My girlfriend says, "You never listen."

I say, "Yes, please, love. Milk and two sugars."

"You're not listening." Then I say, "To be fair, petal, you do talk a lot.

"You need someone who can filter all the things coming out

of your mouth and extrapolate the important information they might be tested on at a later date."

She walks off without saying anything, I wonder who's lost the

argument, then when we don't have sex for three weeks, I realise it was me.

It's going very well.

The problem is, when you go out with someone, after a while you

feel the burden of development weighing heavily upon your shoulders.

You think, "It's going well, going out with each other.

"Why don't we change things irrevocably by moving in together, getting married and having children,

"see if we can't destroy that happiness and ruin our lives?"

Who's got children? Give me a cheer.

CHEERING

Quite a lot of you. Well done, good for you.

But the problem with children, as far as I can see, is they're born,

they scream, they learn to talk, they start asking questions.

"What's the sky for?" "Why ask me?

"Teachers get paid to tell you about these things." "What's the sky for?"

"It's the roof on the world." "Why's the world need a roof?"

"To stop us all falling out." "What does gravity do?"

"Keeps us all stuck to the ground." "Why's the world need a roof?"

"This is a very circular conversation that could end with me putting you up for adoption."

"Where do babies come from?"

"Same place you came from." "Where did I come from?"

"Your mummy's belly." "How did I get inside Mummy's belly?"

"She ate you." "Why?"

"Because you ask too many questions!"

I don't think I could have children.

I can barely look after myself.

I don't eat properly, don't sleep properly.

Getting home from my gigs at one o'clock in the morning, going to bed at two o'clock in the morning.

8am every morning, the man next door wakes me up, hammering and drilling.

I put up with it for a while, then I got irritated.

After a couple of weeks, I went round and said, "Excuse me, I'm trying to sleep."

He said, "Well, I'm trying to hammer and drill."

I said, "It's a residential area. You shouldn't be hammering and drilling at 8am."

He said, "How am I supposed to fix my house up?" I said, "Don't.

"Just accept it for the dump it is, like I've done with mine."

"What if I want to invite friends for dinner? I don't want them to think I live in a dump."

"If they judge you because you live in a dump, they're not your real friends, they're just scroungers

"trying to get a free meal off a gullible chimp who's prepared to cook something for free."

He said, "I don't care what you think. I want to live in a nice house."

I said, "That's a shallow preoccupation with material things.

"If you surround yourself with nice things, pristine furnishing, pretend you're happy, you're not happy.

"There's no love in your life.

"There's a gaping vacuum in your soul that can only be filled when you renounce material obsessions.

"Embrace love, humanity, God, nature

"and stop drilling! Stop drilling!"

He said, "If you have a problem, take it up with the council." Switched his drill back on.

Every night after that, I got home at 1am, switched on my vacuum cleaner for an hour to irritate him.

Then he bought a drum kit. Now I've got an accordion.

It's getting out of hand, but we're having fun.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a delight. Thank you very much.

Give it up for Andrew Laurence!

CHEERING

Next up, one of the fastest rising, most exciting female comics in the UK.

Give it up for Andi Osho!

Hello!

Let me hear you make some noise!

Wicked. Let me just check... all the black people in the house, make some noise!

SPARSE CHEERING

Four of us!

Wicked! All right. It's not a problem, it's not a problem or anything.

Because you seem nice. But sometimes as a black comic, you come out and

see a sea of white faces staring at you, it feels like an auction.

But there is love in the room, I can feel it.

It's lovely being in Edinburgh.

We've been here, what? For three and a half weeks?

I love the flyerers, they're fantastic.

You can see them getting properly jaded by the whole thing.

This genuinely happened down Drummond Street.

There's a guy, all he's saying is the name of the show,

but I shit you not, the name of the show is Let's Have Sex.

So he's walking up and down Drummond Street saying "Let's have sex", "Let's have sex",

with no flyer in his hand. "Let's have sex."

He did have a flyer. I felt bad for him, I took a flyer, I felt bad for him.

And I can actually recommend having sex with him.

He was amazing.

My mum rang me up as well to make sure I was all right.

You know when your mum doesn't really know what you do?

She said, "How's the busking going, dear?"

"They're gigs, Mum. They're gigs."

It's the only thing we don't agree on, really.

Apart from that. When I was a kid, pocket money, controversial. Give me a cheer if you got pocket money.

The thing is, black parents never give their kids money.

They don't understand why a child wants money.

I asked my mum for pocket money, she said "What do you need money for?

"Are you going to buy stocks and shares?"

"Are you Richard Branson?"

She couldn't understand why I wanted pocket money.

So in the end, I negotiated with her.

"I'll do housework in exchange for pocket money."

And she said, "So that means you are now my employee?".

Not what I had in mind. But I thought I was a clever kid, right?

What I thought I'd do is break the hoover, then she won't ask me to do that stupid shit again.

So I was properly ramming the hoover into the wall, trying to break the hoover.

Trying to make it look like an accident and she went, "OK. Stop. Hammer time".

No, she didn't. Why would she do that? It was early '80s.

She said, "OK, stop. Collaborate and listen".

Of course she didn't, that's a ridiculous idea.

But I do have 47 more of these.

Trappin'! She said, "OK. Stop, see how you're using that?" I was like, "Yeah?"

She said, "OK, I'm going to use your head in the same way!"

She didn't, she didn't...

She did. She did.

To be fair, me and my brothers were properly lazy kids.

When we did do the housework we thought we were slaves.

We were singing negro spirituals and everything.

We were singing, "I been working, I been working.

"I been working ... pick your own cotton!" Very lazy.

There's a lot of strong discipline as well in a Nigerian household.

The best example I saw was very recently on a bus.

There was a woman with her little daughter and her daughter

was messing around and she wanted her to stop but this is what she said.

She said to the little girl, about four or five years old, she said, "OK, do you want me to go to jail?"

And the little girl, to her credit, she went,

"Yes!"

So this is what she said, she said, "OK, so when we get home, I'm going to kill you!"

"Then you won't have to see me again!"

All the white people on the bus looked like you lot...

that's some funny shit, but I'm going to report it.

All the Nigerians on the bus were going, "Very good, that

"it, that's why this country is going down the toilet".

I've got this uncle, a real one, not one that touches you up.

He was trying to explain to me how he's lenient with his son.

But this is what he said, he said, "Yes, I'm firm with the young man,

"of course I'm firm with him, but not like Mugabe".

That's wrong.

That is wrong. That's like saying about your mate, "Yes, I love to go

"swimming with my friend, of course I love to go swimming with my friend, but not like Michael Barrymore".

You've been amazing, enjoy the rest of the show. See ya!

Andi Osho!

Now we've got a bit of bit of musical comedy.

This guy's another fringe favourite, he won the 2008 comedy award, formerly known as the Perrier Award.

Everybody go nuts, you know the score.

Give it up for David O'Doherty.

All right, people. Good evening, my name is Florence and this is my machine.

This is a mini keyboard, by the way.

I am not a giant.

I'm David O'Doherty, but that won't be the title of my autobiography.

To sell some more units I'm going to call it "Harry Potter and the Da Vinci Book of Sudoku".

I'm from Ireland, it's pretty similar to here, I would say the main difference

would just be on a day-to-day basis Ireland is maybe 65% more mystical, it is a very mystical place to live.

It's like living in an Enya song.

It's annoying sometimes how mystical day to day life is in Ireland because it's like, I definitely left

my keys there, it's like, they turned into an eagle.

It's the fifth time they've shape-shifted this week.

Let's try a song. Could you guys create a slightly more mystical lighting state for this.

World ...

You can mess with me once, and you'd probably get away with it, mess with

me twice and the chances are I are still probably won't remember.

But mess with me numerous times across a concerted period in a

similar way and think you're going to get away with it?

Well, you're wrong.

I'm going to lampoon you,

through a comedy song.

I'm talking about my beefs!

2010, things I've encountered again and again. My beefs!

2010, excuse me while I unleash a "Ah!"

People with iPhones, stop trying to show me what your iPhone can do.

I couldn't give a shit, they've been out for years!

Yeah!

But when you realise the truth, there is no app for loneliness!

I don't need an iPhone. I have an iPod already and if I'm honest there

have been times when I've pretended my iPod is an iPhone just when I'm

talking to someone who is incredibly boring I'm like, I am so sorry, I'm going to have to get this. Hello?

Shit, look, it's Prince. Agh!

23-year-old men from Edinburgh, stop buying pointless accessories for your rubbish cars.

It's not the Batmobile, it is a 2003 Citroen Saxo.

Blue lights underneath the chassis, that is practical in that it stops

junkies shooting up in your wheel arches.

Girls, stop telling me about your dreams. Seriously.

Just the fateful moment when it begins, I had a dream last night...

No! Save me from the next two minutes.

"I was on a horse, the horse was flying." I don't care.

"It was unbelievable!" Of course it's unbelievable, it's a dream!

What do you want, highly believable dreams?

"I had a dream, it was like a Mike Leigh film!" Whoah!

Celebrity news.

Stop appearing at the end of real news, you diminish real news.

"And the death toll from the Pakistan flood could rise as high as 40,000."

"Christina Aguilera's cat has alopecia." No!

DVD players and laptop computers, play all regions of DVD, if you don't, you're racist.

Come on!

Finally, people who constantly update what it is they're doing on the internet in the form

of status updates, from where I'm sitting it seems like there's two main schools of status update.

The first and most common is make your life sound as awesome as possible.

"Just had a picnic up a hill".

"What a perfect day". No!

I know what you're like, you're bipolar, you cry for half the morning.

But even more pointless than that is the other one, "About to make an omelette". No!

What? You are about to undertake the mighty omelette?

Thank goodness you told me! This could go anyway!

Somebody alert Cern, alert NASA, you might create a new element.

Clear a space on the periodic table for "omlettium"!

Sort it out, world, if you don't, you risk being part of my beefs 2010.

David O'Doherty!

Now I'm going to welcome a man who's on his 11th year at

the Festival, he's won awards, played to packed out venues.

You'll have seen him on Mock The Week, Never Mind The Buzzcocks,

put your hands together and welcome to the stage, Mark Watson!

That's it!

Hi. Nice intro there but I hope your expectations

are at a manageable level, you don't people expecting too much.

You should always expect the worst, that's what my dad taught me.

Expect a shit life and if you have a fairly shit life, you're reasonably satisfied.

I remember coming home from school once and my dad said,

"Would you rather Father Christmas didn't exist, or your mum was dead?"

I was 10! I said, I'd rather Father Christmas didn't exist...

"Right", he said, "Good news." There you are,

softening the blows of life.

There we are, nice to get your first laugh, always that sense of, will it be shit?

I'll be fine. I reckon I'll be fine.

You never know if people will laugh.

Perhaps they won't understand you, I've got a peculiar accent, a bit Welsh, a bit West Country,

both accents people find hard to understand, or even imitate.

A friend of mine said, "I can never do a Welsh accent.

"If I do, it sounds Pakistani".

I said, you have to try harder to master it, Ahmed.

Thanks! I didn't expect you to laugh at that.

You never know, I'm a pessimist.

I tend to find most accents I'm all right with, not all, some

are tricky, South African is a peculiar accent to understand.

All the vowels are the same. A word like "cigarette"

sounds like "secrets".

Secrets! Secrets! I was in South Africa and somebody said, "Give me one of your secrets

"Can I have one of your secrets?" Well, I once masturbated in the British Library.

Oh, you want a fag!

True story.

Unfortunately.

Everything's difficult, you can't just buy butter, you've got to choose between 15 different brands.

Butter, I Can't Believe It's Not Butter,

Butterlicious, Utterly Butterly, Butter Than The Rest, Fuck Me, This Looks Like Butter But It's Not.

It's unbelievable! I can't believe it's not butter...

I don't know about you, it's been on sale for nearly 20 years, I'm starting to conquer my incredulity.

It might be time to rename it, I'm Prepared To Accept Finally

This Is Not Butter, (Let's All Just Get On With It And Move On, Shall We)

I realise that's a long name.

You've been a very nice audience, which is not to be taken for granted.

People don't always laugh that much.

That's the curse of the comedian. The quiet audience member.

People say, "I enjoyed it, mate.

"I didn't laugh out loud, I never really laugh out loud."

Which when you're up here is pretty useless.

It's like somebody saying, "That was the best sex ever".

"Really? You were crying for most of it".

"Yeah, I didn't enjoy it but I admired what you were trying to do".

You're looking at me thinking, "He's never had sex!"

Wrong! I've got a wife! Look at that!

A wedding ring, that doesn't prove it, people wear all kinds of things.

You see people often with a football shirts with a Rooney on the back, often it's not.

I've been tricked by that a few times, I can tell you.

I've quite enjoyed this. Sorry!

I didn't mean to say it in that tone of surprise, like every gig I've ever done has been shit until now.

I mean, thank you! Thanks very much! Bye!

Mark Watson!

Now a guy I've worked with loads of times on the comedy circuit, a

personal favourite of mine, well on the way to becoming a household name.

Please put your hands together for the exceptional Mickey Flanigan.

-Good evening, everybody. Hello.

-Hello!

Always nice to come to Edinburgh, a nice polite, civilised town.

I come from London, we've lost it there really. I come from London.

We lost the plot in London, everyone is so uncivilised.

I get very angry with people who come on the transport system, thick

people, slow people, old people, getting in my way when I'm busy.

I'm a busy man, I'm a Cockney, we're always double busy.

If you need a bit of proof, I can do the walk if you need it.

The Cockney has a number of walks, that's your main one, casual, standard, just walking about.

That's your standard Cockney walk there.

Then you've your busy, double busy walking about.

Let's have a walk about! Can't hang about!

Got to sign on, get back to work.

I'm always double busy, so slow people irritate me.

I was on the train the other day and got off to go through the barrier

and this bloke just stopped in front of the barrier, starts looking for his ticket.

Wasting valuable seconds of my life.

Call me old-fashioned, I got my ticket out on the train, I'm like that.

I'm anticipating the barrier,

they've only been there about 20 years.

Not this geezer, caught him out.

So, I'm standing behind him.

I'm like, "Excuse me, mate. Excuse me! Excuse me!" Nothing.

Blanked me.

So I stood back and weighed up my options.

Don't drop kick him, that's going too far.

Even for London standards.

I looked down, he got a dog with him, in't he? Got a dog.

A Scottie dog.

With a green coat on.

On the coat it said, "A hearing dog for the deaf".

Then it made sense why he blanked me.

Blind people have a guide dog, deaf people have a hearing dog.

I bent down and said, "Will you get out of the fucking way?"

Do we have young people in the audience? I love young people.

I'm in my 40s now, I've reached the point, I don't know what you're thinking about any more.

What is this haircut you have now?

Down and forward.

Down and forward. From the back.

Bring it on! There you go.

That's the one for me, let's get out there.

This was big in the '70s.

Among middle-aged men who weren't prepared to accept that they were going bald.

They would go like this,

go out for the evening like this and you had to stand opposite them and have a sensible conversation.

They come at you from the side nowadays, teenagers.

They're all twisted up.

Twisted up!

They love chicken, teenagers. Love chicken.

Wherever there's chicken, you'll see the hooded teenager just hanging about.

Just hang about by the chicken. Come on!

Let's hang about by the chicken!

Sometimes you fancy a bit of chicken.

But this means you have to negotiate the chicken children.

The hooded, menacing chicken children.

And they're coming at you from the side.

They've got a leg they never wanted in the first place.

They got this leg they drag along.

Coming at you.

Coming towards you...

Like some sort of Thriller video, innnit?

Guarding the zinger!

You go in for the chicken.

"I'm going in".

And they've got their cap on, their hood up, they're coming at you from the side, the chicken children.

And all they keep saying is, "What's happening?"

"What's happening?"

They're obsessed with that.

The reason they're so obsessed with what's happening is that they can't see where they're going.

Come on, man!

You've been lovely. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen!

Micky Flanagan!

Let me crack on. This guy's a veteran on the comedy circuit.

You're going to see more of him on TV. Give it up for Simon Evans.

Good evening. Nice to be here.

I thought I might start this evening with a joke.

There were three men: An Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani.

Yes, you weren't expecting that, were you?

That's my favourite bit of the joke. The tension which is palpable in the room when I mention the third member

of that gathering. I will mention the gentleman who told me this joke, I didn't know him well, he had already

uttered the immortal phrase, "Some of my best friends are black."

Which is rarely the sign of an untroubled conscience.

I pointed out that labradors don't count. But as it happens,

as it happens, I think he was in the clear on this. Anyway, you judge.

Three men, English, Welsh, Pakistani.

These three congregate one morning innocently enough in the maternity

ward of their local hospital to collect their newborn sons.

The mood is one of joyous anticipation.

From which we may reasonably deduce that they are first-time fathers.

Little note of bitterness there for serial parents.

However, this mood, fragile as it is, is shattered prematurely when they are informed by the doctor, or more

likely some sort of middle management lackey who is siphoning funds away from frontline services,

be that as it may,

that there has been a mix-up at the hospital and he can no longer say

with any certainty whose son is whose.

Now, you or I might return home and inform our legal representatives and begin a costly and time-consuming

but ultimately profitable lawsuit against this hospital for gross professional misconduct.

At the least you would demand a DNA test in order to establish paternity.

But this being a joke...

The three men agree to sort it out between them.

The Englishman goes in first, as is his right.

According to strict alphabetical order, at least.

The Englishman goes in first and emerges a moment later with what is

clearly, even to the medically untrained eye, the Pakistani child.

The Pakistani gentleman says as much and the Englishman says,

"Sorry, but one of those two is Welsh, and I'm not taking any chances."

It's the relief, isn't it?

When you realise which of your possible prejudices is being pandered to on this occasion.

And your secondary relief when you realise the rest of the room shares your abhorrence of the Welsh.

But I'm allowed to tell that joke. I have some Welsh blood in me.

Not a great deal and the transfusion unit is being sued.

I don't care what forms I signed, I'd rather have variant CJD, but it's done now. Still walking upright.

I haven't got long, but I want to say something about Wales this evening.

Clever, this bit. Not Wales the country,

but the large, blubbery mammals...

That live in Wales.

That is actually a statistically supported insult.

They are the fattest in the region, but I'm afraid the UK is now the fattest country in Europe.

This is nothing to be proud of. We used to have moral superiority

over America on this basis and little else and we're drifting.

But as a society, it's not wise

that we now reward excessive levels of corpulence with subsidised transport.

I'm not talking about a bus pass but these three-wheeled electrical obesity vehicles.

Clearly designed for the elderly and infirm.

Nobody would quarrel with that.

But they've been hijacked recently, not literally, I hope - that would be a boring crime to watch unfold.

But they've been hijacked by the overweight.

I thought the first one was hovering, he was so vast.

I thought, "No wonder you've put on a few pounds if you've mastered the art of levitation".

"You're not going to burn off many calories that way".

Then I saw a wire basket glinting between his thighs.

If they must have subsidised transport, I recommend spacehoppers.

You see the sense. They're more affordable, they'll burn off calories and it would give us all a laugh.

They could even paint their own faces on the front so they knew whose was whose

when they come out of Greggs in the morning!

You've been delightful. See you soon.

Simon Evans.

There's been a lot of love in the room so far.

You're a top crowd. I mean that, excellent crowd.

We're going to finish up with a comedy hero of mine.

This guy has performed all over the world, from Afghanistan to Wolverhampton.

He's one of my favourite comics.

Please welcome to the stage, the wonderful Tom Stade!

-Good evening!

-Hey!

Good to be here. I'm loving this place.

You know, shopping and finding shit.

I was over at a little place called Primark.

I love that store, man.

I'm convinced nobody goes there to buy anything, but just to mess the place up.

It's the only store I have seen where people go "These jeans are shit", and then just chuck them.

Of course they're shit, they're £3.

Just cos stuff is cheap, doesn't mean you guys have to chuck it around.

That's why Argos keeps all their stuff in the freaking back.

They don't trust you.

They're like, "Don't show it to them, you saw what they done to Primark".

I love Argos, man.

I remember the first time I walked in Argos, they made me feel like I was a spy.

I walked up to the teller and handed her a piece of paper.

Then she looked at me and went, "OK".

"Go to checkpoint B".

I went to checkpoint B.

They didn't even know who I was, man.

"You don't know me?

"I'm 376".

Love that store. Catalogue shopping.

That's where you do catalogue shopping. At the store.

Normally, you get the catalogue and bring it home and order it, but you guys go down to the store and do it.

I love that catalogue.

You women, you're good with the catalogue.

Women are awesome with catalogues, man.

My woman can flip through the catalogue like nobody.

Women don't even need to look at the index to know what page the stuff they want is on.

My woman walked into Argos and flicked through that catalogue like she was a Jedi knight.

She went, "That's what I want".

I'm like, "Wow, how did you do that?"

She said, "I'll show you something else.

"That's what you want".

I'm like, "I don't even know what I want".

Then I went, "Holy shit, that is what I want. A trampoline".

And you can't just buy no trampoline, you got to get all your trampoline trimmings.

Got to get that safety cage.

In case you're a loser and you don't know how to bounce up and down.

One of these sideways bouncers.

Turns out I'm a sideways bouncer.

I smashed my head against the safety bar.

"Thank God that safety bar was there to stop me from landing on that soft grass".

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

Tom Stade, everybody.

That's the end of the evening.

Give yourselves a round of applause.

And for all the comedians you've seen this evening.

God bless, good night. See you again some time.

Cheers!