Episode 2 Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live

This programme contains some strong language

It's Edinburgh Comedy Fest live.

Please welcome your host - Shappi Khorsandi!

CHEERING

-Hello.

-AUDIENCE: Hello!

Wow, what a beautiful room. Are you all good?

CHEERING

I'm doing a show here and it's strange I'm doing a show where

some people come with certain expectations of me.

A bloke came to my show. The entire time he sat there like this.

And at the end he came up to me and he went,

"I thought you were Shilpa Shetty."

"I paid for Shilpa Shetty."

I get that and Maureen Lipman.

It's been a strange year for me, because I've been mostly getting a divorce, so I've been...

I know, it's very time-consuming.

When you get divorced, the worst thing is, you don't know how to tell people.

You can't go, "Look! We've taken them off!

We're both very bitter now."

So, I've only told my closest friends, and you.

I joke about this, but it's true. I believe the iPhone played a massive part

in the breakdown of my marriage.

Because the moment my husband brought that skinny cow into my house, things were over between us.

She would lord it over me, and go, "When he's with you, he's thinking of me."

I was like, "Shut up, he loves me!"

But during sex one night he started doing this to my face.

I've been a bit disconnected with stuff that's been going on this year, but I know we had an election.

Did you enjoy the election?

JEERING

Oh come on, it was better than the football!

I knew it was an election as people kept coming to my door going,

"So, what do you think about immigration?"

And I'd go, "I'm really enjoying it, thank you."

And in the lead-up to the election, I did Question Time,

which is the scariest thing I've ever done in my career.

But what was lovely about it was realising that David Dimbleby

is as obsessed with political correctness as I am.

He took a question from the floor, and he went, "Yes, gentleman there.

"In the blue." Ten gentleman in blue kept their hand up.

He goes, "No, gentlemen in the blue, with the eyes.

"The eyes set in a face, resting on a neck, on some shoulders."

Just say it, David, just say it.

The man in a turban.

Another thing I did this year, I got a cat.

And apparently it's quite a common thing to get a pet when you're

recently separated, to fill in the void.

And I love my cat so much, and we're really in tune with each other.

I was on the phone to my ex-husband recently, and we had a furious row.

I slammed the phone down, and I looked at my cat, and she was licking herself.

And I knew we were thinking the same thing. "What an arsehole!"

I wanted to get a goldfish, but there's something morally wrong about buying goldfish.

Because there's that tank full of them,

and they put the net in the tank, and they pick a fish out at random.

And you don't know what family dynamic you are destroying there.

I kind of felt like Madonna, you know?

When you've got a pet that you love, it's

really important not to treat the pet exactly as you do your child.

I've noticed that when I throw the boy over the banisters, he doesn't always land on his feet.

-You're a brilliant crowd, are you ready for your first act?

-Yay!

It is my absolute great pleasure to introduce to you someone I have loved for years and years and years,

Australia's most positive and brilliant export to this country.

Give it up for Mr Adam Hill!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, Edinburgh!

I want to tell you something right now that you may find vaguely offensive but go with me.

I have learned recently that deaf people are really racist.

No, that's right, I'm not afraid to say it out loud.

I do a lot of shows with sign interpreters, so deaf people can come to my shows.

I've learnt there are various signs for different countries.

Some of which make perfect sense, but some seem to me to be vaguely offensive. I'll give an example.

The British Sign Language sign for your country, Scotland, it makes perfect sense, it's this.

And you have to do the face as well.

And it's a Scottish man playing the bagpipes.

I think. Or it's a Glaswegian man in a pub going, "D'you wanna drink? I'll buy you a drink."

Some others that may not make sense, but are quite lovely, Iceland.

In single-handed signing, that's the letter I. So Iceland is this.

Which is lovely, but it makes everybody from Iceland look slightly evil.

Here's where it gets vaguely confusing. This is the British Sign Language sign for England.

Because it's the letter E, no other reason.

What's weird is, if you're outside of England,

in country with a different language or alphabet, you can't do that.

What you can do to represent England is this.

Why? Because it's the strap on a Bobby's helmet.

Which is lovely, but confusing.

Because I'm not making this up, this is England,

this is lesbian.

I think you can work out why.

England, lesbian.

England, lesbian. You don't want to get those two mixed up!

You don't want to go out to a nightclub, pick up two girls,

take them home, then find out they're both English!

Here's where it starts getting offensive.

The British Sign Language sign for Ireland is this...

If you ask an English person why, they'll say, "There's a shamrock in my lapel, and it's sticking out,

"that's what that is." No it's not!

That is English people going... "Oh..."

"Oh my dear Lord, there seem to be Irish people on me."

This is the one that got me though. The British Sign Language sign for

my country, Australia, which is also the sign we use to represent Australia in Australia, is this.

It's not that! There aren't deaf people around

the world, from Australia, people go, "Where are you from?" They go, "Oh God, I need a microphone."

Sign language sign for Australia in British Sign Language is this.

That's just offensive.

That's English people going, "We picked the dirty scum up, and we've put them over there."

If you're going to make a sign for Australia, at least make it vaguely Australian. Something like ...

What's amazing is my favourite piece of sign language in the world comes from Australia.

Every country has its own sign language, and in Australia

there's a specific sign only used in Australian sign language.

Because it sums up a phrase that is only used in the Australian spoken language. The sign is this.

What that sign means is, "Fuck you, fuck the lot of yous."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And what I love about that sign is that I was on a plane in Australia last year -

flying from Australia to Melbourne, and a stewardess recognised me and said, "Oh, I've seen you do comedy."

She said, "I really like the stuff you do about sign language."

Thank you. She said, "In fact, I've managed to incorporate a bit of it into the safety demonstration."

I have never watched the safety demonstration more carefully in my life! And she did the whole thing.

The row of lights are here, and oxygen, if you need it, and at the

appropriate point, I swear she did this, "And in case of an emergency, your exits are here and here."

And I saw her a few months later, out on the street.

She walked past me. I went, "Oh, hi". She went, "Oh, hi!"

I went, "Oh, my God, it's you! I tell that story every night on stage."

She said, "Good, cos I do that on every flight".

And then she said, "I do make sure there aren't deaf people on board first".

Can you imagine that? You're deaf, you're on a flight and what you see in the safety demonstration is,

"In case of an emergency, fuck you, fuck the lot of yous!"

Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a pleasure talking to you.

Thanks for supporting a great cause. Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Adam Hills, ladies and gentlemen!

-Are you all right there at the top?

-Yeah!

-You at the bottom?

-Yeah!

You're looking lovely. Next, we have an act who's terribly exotic.

He's from Scotland!

Please give it up for Edinburgh's own Danny Bhoy!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. How are you all? CHEERING

-Are you enjoying your festival?

-Yes!

That's some of you. The rest of you are clearly from Edinburgh.

So do Chinese people get English tattoos?

Does it work the other way round?

Anyhow...

I don't know!

Guy in Beijing with, you know, "mind the gap" on his...

It's spiritual, it's spiritual. It means...something...like...

I don't know what it is.

According to the World Health Organisation, or,

as they are known in Glasgow, who?

According to the World Health Organisation, we now have the worst diet in the world, in Scotland.

The worst diet in the world. In the world!

I think you can tell a lot about a country from its diet.

You look at our breakfast in Scotland.

Bacon, sausage, egg, beans, chips, burgers, crisps.

Bring out your dead, we'll have it.

As long as it's deep-fried, we don't give a shit.

We are sending a message to the rest of the world.

It doesn't matter what you plan to do to us today, it's not nearly as bad

as what we've just done to ourselves. There you go.

In France, of course, the French have a croissant.

FRENCH ACCENT: Yes, a little croissant...

That's all I want, a little croissant. Then I will be quite full.

I will have to lie down, after my little croissant.

It's not a breakfast, it's a bit of pastry!

We would put that on top of a steak pie.

It says a lot about the French, though, doesn't it?

The old croissant, says, we are flaky and a little bit gay. That is who we are.

This is who we are, who we are.

The Spanish just have yogurt for breakfast.

I suppose you don't want anything too heavy if you're off to bed in a couple of hours.

I love the siesta. Why didn't we think of that?

That's great. I love the fact the Spanish follow the natural body clock during the day.

We're all tired after lunch.

Some point in history, the Spanish have been in a board meeting.

One guy's just gone, "pfffffffffft!"

SPANISH ACCENT: Hey.

Sebastien.

Are you tired?

Yes, very tired...

F-Franco.

Very, very tired.

Sorry!

Sorry. H-How many people are tired?

We're all tired! Let's go to bed, eh?

One hour, two hours! Two hours!

Just as well we don't have a siesta in Scotland. We'd have to get up and

have another one of those breakfasts. We'd be dead by the age of 12.

That's my time. Thank you very much for listening. Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Danny Bhoy, ladies and gentlemen!

And next we have someone who will be very familiar to you if you watch television,

and even more familiar to you if you go and see live comedy,

because he's an inspiration to many stand-up comedians.

Please give it up for the inimitable Mr Sean Lock!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ah, ah. Thank you very much. Thank you. Good evening.

Hello, Edinburgh. Nice to be here.

CHEERING

I got the plane up today. Yep.

As you can see, they forgot my luggage.

Someone said, "Why don't you get the train?"

I said, "Well, I wouldn't be able to do that joke."

They said, "It's not a very good joke." I said, "You haven't heard the next one."

"They said, "Do it then." I said, "I'm not doing a gig."

And they said, "Why are you doing the other one?" I said, "I was just talking to myself in the toilet."

It's a bit awkward.

Anyway, my wife is so fat,

she hates herself and sits in her room crying all day long.

Oh, dear! Lovely, innit? Charming.

What is it about bunting that makes you want to buy a second-hand car?

Never worked that one out.

Do you know, that if a man masturbates twice a week,

it reduces his chance of getting prostate cancer. It's true, that is.

I've tallied up my weekly count, and I'm immortal!

I'm like Highlander.

Oh, dear.

You know those stretch limos, if they're so great, right, how come every time I drive past one,

someone's trying to climb out the window?

The first time I saw one of those, I was very naive, I was a bit puzzled.

I said, that's weird! What's the ambassador doing at Cheeky's Fun Pub?

Why is he dressed as Batman?

Well, it's in situations like this I always think to myself, wish I had a bit of talent.

It'd be nice for everybody, wouldn't it, if I could sing, dance, do a few impressions.

Parp, parp. ..Mind you, that's bound to be someone, isn't it?

It doesn't count if you don't know who it is.

Yeah, that's my mate, Ash Collins, always going...

It's uncannily like him.

But, um, no, it'd be nice, wouldn't it?

That's what I admire about those old club comics.

They used to tell a filthy, horrible joke, then they'd sing a lovely song afterwards, wouldn't they,

to make everything better again. Like Bernard Manning, who gets to the punchline of one of his jokes,

something like this, something like,

AS BERNARD MANNING: I walked in, and she was bent over stark naked, tying up one of her shoelaces!

I said, hey, luv, I didn't recognise you without your teeth in.

AS HIMSELF: Then he goes... AS BERNARD MANNING: # Feelings,

# Feelings, I can't forget these feelings of love... #

Everything feels better again, doesn't it? The world seems like a cosy, warm and lovely place.

'Ere we go, 'ere we go. Mr Whippy, having a shit.

HE GROANS

# Fly me to the moon and let me play amongst the stars

# Let me see what life is like on Jupiter and Mars... #

He's going down better than my act, isn't he?

How'd you stop a dog humping your leg?

Pick him up, suck his cock.

# Soft and tanned and young and lovely

# The girl from Ipanema goes walking... #

Oh.

Magic moments for all of us.

I can't really top that. You've got a fantastic rest of show. Thank you very much. Good night. Thank you.

CHEERING

Sean Lock, ladies and gentlemen!

And next, ladies and gentlemen, we have a hugely talented comedian,

and the biggest name of the night, literally.

Please give it up for Tom Wrigglesworth.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

-AUDIENCE: Hello!

-Good, excellent. Lovely.

Just relax. I've got quite a soothing Yorkshire accent. Enjoy that.

I'm aware that visually, I'm tricky.

There's not a lot we can do about it now, I suppose. But hello, I am Tom.

I'm from Sheffield, South Yorkshire.

-MAN: Hey!

-Yeah!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I still go back to Sheffield now and again, mainly to see my dad, who's mental.

My dad got a new computer quite recently, right,

it's his first computer, and he keeps it in the spare room I have no idea why, it's freezing cold in there.

And he keeps it under a white sheet.

I thought the computer had died when I first saw it!

So I'm showing him how to use it, I'm showing my dad how

to use his first computer, and I gave him the mantra, the lesson, the maxim is to back up, isn't it?

You must always back up. Back up, back up.

If you really need something, print it out. But always back up.

And we did a bit of Word, bit of Outlook, bit of Excel.

Basics, you know. And then I said, right, Dad, time for the big one. The internet.

And I pointed out the logo of the internet, the big blue E.

And I said, double click that, Dad. Surf's up.

Now, I don't know if anyone here has tried to teach an elderly friend or relative how to use a computer,

but, crikey, they don't have the motor skills!

They don't... I didn't realise! They don't have the motor skills!

Who knew that? My dad tried to double click it. He clicked on it once, then his hand just spazzed, like that.

It just jerked. His upper body tensed.

He went, oh!

So rather than double click it, he simply picked up the big blue E...

dragged it,

then dropped it in the recycle bin.

I panicked - I went, "Whoa, Dad! What's happened?"

He said, "I don't know, son. My hand just slipped.

"You saw it, son, it just went."

I said, "Where's the big blue E?"

He said, "It's in that bin, son."

I said, "Dad, you've deleted the internet!"

He said, "Is that bad?" I said, "Yes, that's pretty bad that, Dad, yes, there was a lot of work in that.

"That was 50 years of mankind moving forward there, Dad.

"That was progress, progress and you've deleted the bastard."

My dad started crying.

I thought, fuck him. He gave me this nose, so...

I said, "They're going to know it's you, Dad. They can track that sort of thing, you know."

I ran off home and left him to it.

What happened next beggars belief. The next day, my dad phoned me up

and he had a really optimistic twang in his voice.

He goes, "Hey, Tom it's your dad. Great news, son. Great news.

"I was looking in the recycle bin

"and the internet was still there.

"Well, the bin men don't come till Thursday, do they?

"Anyway, I clicked on it, son, and it said, would you like to restore the internet? So I selected yes.

"Everything's fine, I'm out the woods."

I said, "Phew!

"What a relief, Dad. Close one."

He said, "Yes, but I've learnt my lesson and I don't want that to happen again, do I?

"So I'm doing what you told me, I'm taking your advice." I said, "Just stop there, dad.

"You're not trying to back up the internet are you, Dad? You can't back up the internet.

He said, "No, I'm not trying to back it up, I'm printing it out.

"This is page 922 billion.

"There were a lot of these, I couldn't show your mother.

Thank you very much indeed, it's been lovely chatting.

Tom Wrigglesworth, ladies and gentlemen!

And we're moving swiftly on and our next fantastic act is someone I've toured with all over the country.

Please give it up for the wonderful Mr John Richardson.

Hello!

Hi, hello, hi, hello, hi. How are you?

Nice. I've made a bit of an effort. Proper shoes on.

World Cup summers are always the best, aren't they?

Give us a cheer if you enjoyed the World Cup.

SMALL CHEER

Thank you. I enjoyed it. I sort of feel sorry,

I watched Spain winning and I thought, you're finished, aren't you?

You're never going to do anything that good in your entire life. Some of them are 19, ruined now.

I said this to a friend and she went, "No, they might have kids."

Come on, let's be honest, having kids is all well and good, it's not as good as winning the World Cup, is it?

Let's just say that now. Unless they come out made of gold...

They come out made of gold, you cut the umbilical cord, lift the baby and the world goes mental for a week...

Then it's the same thing. If you get recognised on the street for the rest of your life for having had a baby,

then it's the same thing. "Are you the guy with the baby?" "Yes, 2010, what a year".

"Ha! I never forget. It was a team effort".

A lot of people hate kids, I really like kids. I think people who hate kids are just jealous.

They're allowed to have so much fun, kids, aren't they? They're never told off.

If you see a kid playing, adults think, well, it will end soon

and then I'll be back to the drudgery of my tedious existence.

Kids don't know about that. You don't go, "Enjoying Winnie the Pooh? Cos you're going to die one day".

"Worth thinking about, isn't it?"

The most jealous I've been of any human this year was a little three-year-old girl on a train.

She was playing I Spy with her mum and dad and it was her turn to do the thing.

She went, "I spy with my little eye, something beginning with S".

The parents naturally went, well she's three years old, this should be fairly straightforward.

"Is it seats?" "No."

This has gone up a notch.

"Is it sunshine?" "Noooo!"

Then they got annoyed, because they couldn't get it for 10 minutes and it wasn't fun any more, right?

The dad was going, "There's a steak knife there, perhaps it's a steak knife?" "It can't be a steak knife.

"She doesn't know what a steak knife is".

"Is it a steak knife?" "Noooo!"

By now she's off her face, this kid.

She has literary outfoxed the entire adult nation.

Then about 12 minutes into the game she went, "Ha, ha, ha! Oh ... I can't see it".

Whoa!

This is why I was jealous and this is why they're good parents and she'll grow to be a good person.

They said, "Oh it doesn't matter, love. We'll play I Don't Spy".

You wouldn't take that shit off an adult, would you?

If you're with a mate and 12 minutes in they went, "I can't see it",

"Interesting, Alan, because it makes me wonder WHAT THE HELL we've been doing?!"

"15 minutes of my life gone. 15 minutes of my life.

"Salamander, I said once. And it didn't occur to you then that you couldn't see this frigging thing?

"I'll give you a fact about you, Alan. I wish you were dead."

I can't, I don't deal with friends or any human.

I spend my year entering conversations and totally screwing them up by trying to be too funny.

I went to get my sister a Robbie Williams calendar for Christmas, because I'm a very good brother.

Just me in Clintons buying a Robbie Williams calendar and I saw the woman on the till,

I thought, she's going to be slightly awkward with this. I'll do a joke to lighten the mood.

As soon as she scanned the calendar, I grabbed it and went "Mine!"

Of course, it's hilarious if you know me quite well.

That's funny, because John doesn't really like Robbie Williams and he's emphasised it for comic effect.

If you've never met me in your entire life, who knows what she's thinking?

"Ooh, you're a very rude gay!"

"In the last 12 months, you wouldn't grab a cock like that, would you?"

Well, that's my time. It's been a pleasure talking to you. Enjoy your evening.

John Richardson, ladies and gentlemen!

Ladies and gentlemen, our next act is absolutely brilliant. He's a star already, despite being so young

that I'm actually friends with his mummy.

Please give it up for Jack Whitehall.

Good evening, Edinburgh!

Well done everyone for coming out tonight for charity,

this is why we're here, for charity, so well done.

I don't want to show off, I'm actually quite charitable.

A couple of years ago I actually bought one of those anti-bullying charity wristbands.

I say bought, I stole it off a fat ginger kid.

Risky joke to do in Scotland, that.

The, er...

What's going to happen? Chase me home?

Go past a pie shop.

No, I won't make light of bullying.

I had a hard time at school, I wasn't good at school, I wasn't academic, wasn't good at sport, I was rubbish.

Eventually I decided if I'm useless at everything this school has to offer,

I'm literally the dregs of society. The only I can do is, if I've got nothing to give...

is to become a drama student because that's what you do if you've got nothing.

Now, a couple of people tittering there.

I don't think you realise how dangerous a statement that is to make at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

I don't care. What are they going to do? "Look at me, I'm making an angry tree".

But it's lovely to be in Scotland, in Edinburgh.

It's already been an amazing summer, if you're Scottish.

Fantastic stuff that's happened.

For a start there your victory in the World Cup, so well done for that. It was nice...

to sit back and watch us piss it up the wall!

It was very hard to watch as an Englishman that quite likes football and the only way to get through it

was to look for the positives and there were some positives.

My favourite one was being able to watch the North Korea game on BBC Three,

the same channel we're doing this fine show for tonight

and watching the North Korea game on BBC Three, throughout the entire match,

there was just a tiny caption on the top right-hand corner that simply read, "Press red button now".

I thought, don't tell them that!

Terrified! The other great game was a Holland match

and it wasn't a particularly exciting game of football to watch

but it was brilliant because in the crowd were all these celebrities.

I don't know if anyone saw this, but at one point the camera cut in the crowd to Leonardo DiCaprio.

I thought, wow! And from nowhere, the commentator goes,

"Oh, either that's Matt Damon or Leonardo DiCaprio's put on weight".

What?! It's Leonardo DiCaprio! Five minutes later as if it couldn't get any worse,

the camera cuts to Charlize Theron, one of the most famous women on the planet

and the commentator just goes, "Oh, I don't know whose WAG that is, but it's definitely someone's WAG!"

It's not, it's Academy Award winner Charlize Theron. That's who it is.

You're just insulting celebrities for no apparent reason.

I was terrified then the camera was going to cut do I don't know, Nelson Mandela

and he'd have been just like, "Oh, Kriss Akabusi looks like shit!"

Oh, I've nearly run out of time, but before I go, I realise earlier on I made a joke about people

being overweight and I don't want to be like that

because it's really hard when you're trying to lead a healthy life.

Because everything is there to trip you up.

When you're buying food in the supermarket and you want to look at the nutritional information,

and every packet now has the little wheel of guilt on it.

It lures you in, doesn't it?

You're buying something like ice cream and it's like,

"This ice cream only contains 5% of your intake of calories."

Oh, that's promising, I'll buy the ice cream then, how lovely.

Then you look a bit closer and above the wheel of guilt, tiny white writing, "One 8th of a tub."

Oh, you cheeky bastards!

You're not allowed to do that.

Put on the packet whatever makes it sound good to sell the product,

then make up a ludicrously unrealistic portion size so I buy it like a twat.

That's like Greggs going, "This sausage roll only contains 2% of your daily intake of calories...

"if you lick it."

You guys have been wonderful. Thank you so much for coming out. Good night.

Jack Whitehall, ladies and gentlemen!

Ready for your next act?

It's a gentleman from my native London.

Please give it up for the wonderful Marlon Davis!

-Hello!

-Hello!

Hi, I know you lot are thinking - not another female South African runner.

Oh, gosh. It's been a good year up in Edinburgh, which is nice.

Good year, positive. Positivity going on in my life right now.

-I finally moved out my mum's house.

-Yes!

Thank you. I now live with my dad.

I live in dad's house and dad's house is rubbish. There's nothing there.

Mum's house is nice because it has stuff like electricity.

Dad ain't got that in his house at all.

He's got a toilet but he's got no tissue.

He's got a remote control but no telly.

He's got a fridge but there's nothing in the fridge.

You open up in mum's house, you see food there, you want to do a dance, it's nice.

Open up the fridge in my dad's, all you see is cheese and a tennis racket.

The tennis racket is asking you questions like, "where's the tennis ball?" I don't know. I don't know.

Let's ask my dad, shall we?

"Dad, how can you live like this?"

And he said, "It's because your mum took everything away from me!"

"She take everything. She took the toilet tissue...

"She took the TV...

"And the goddamn tennis ball!"

Ah, that's where the tennis ball is.

"Ah you don't understand. I can't even go to sleep at night because she took my dreams too!"

But it's not all bad at dad's.

There's some advantages to living there because I can bring girls round to the house, yes!

He bloody loves it.

He's like, "Hello!

"Where you find this one from?

"She's nice."

If he's hugging her for too long I'm like, Dad, let her go, Dad, let her go.

He'll be outside my room door...

"When you're finished with her...

"can you send her to my room, please?"

Disgusting, isn't it? It is, because she goes as well.

It's bloody...

But I had to move out of my mum's because she did stuff that irritated me, just little things.

I'm upstairs and she's downstairs and she calls out my name.

She says "Marlon, Marlon, Marlon!" Yes? "Marlon!" I'm on my way.

"Marlon!" I'm in the middle. "Marlon!" I'm nearly there.

"Marlon!" Last step.

"Marlon!" I'm in your face, mum!

What are you still shouting for?

She said, "Go upstairs and get my slippers for me."

Yes, I'm a father now.

I've got a son. A little boy.

I've got a little boy. Got a little boy.

Don't know who the mum is, but I've got...

A little boy. You got to teach him some stuff sometimes.

I say, Kaden, what's that? He goes, "Cat." I'm like, oh, bless!

It really is a cat. How did you know it was a cat?

Say another, what's that one? "Sheep."

Oh, bless. It really is a sheep.

What's that one? "Cat." No, it's a dog.

"Cat." No, it's a dog.

"Cat." No, it's a dog. Woof, woof.

That's what it does, it's a dog, all right? "Cat." No, it's a dog. "Cat."

No, it's a dog. "Cat."

It's a dog. "Cat." It's a dog...

Oh, fuck's sake! "Fuck's sake."

Thanks very much for listening to me, I'm Marlon Davis, good night.

Marlon Davies, ladies and gentlemen!

And you're in for such a treat now.

We have someone who's been tearing it up all over the UK comedy circuit.

Please give it up for Josh Widdicombe!

Hello!

Are we well? I am loving being in Edinburgh but I

enjoy travelling around with comedy, I go to a lot of touristy things during the day.

I went to Madam Tussaud's recently. I don't know if you've been to this wax-apocalypse!

I didn't realise they had a waxwork at Madam Tussaud's of Adolf Hitler.

I was shocked. I turned to my tour guide and I said "Is that Hitler?" I want to check it wasn't Chaplin.

She said, "Yeah." I said,

"That man killed 11 million people. I don't think that is appropriate."

She said, "The thing is, Sir, not all of our waxworks are going to be popular with everyone.

"For instance, I don't like Sting."

I said, "They have committed very different crimes, if I'm honest with you.

"I'm not a huge fan of The Police either, but I do prefer them to the Nazis."

My understanding of Madam Tussaud's, correct me if I'm wrong, you get popular and

they make a waxwork of you, you get unpopular, they melt it down.

How unpopular does Hitler need to get to have his waxwork melted down?

Spare a thought for Anneka Rice. One bad series of Challenge Anneka,

she was a set of candles. How will she feel?

If you do go, a little tip, do not get the guided tour,

because in a museum of lookalikes, a guided tour is utterly pointless.

All they can do is point and name, that is all they've got.

We are walking around and at one point she went, "This one here is Jack the Ripper."

I said, "Jack the Ripper? A man primarily famous for never being seen or recognised.

"I mean I'm not saying that doesn't look like Jack the Ripper, I wouldn't know.

"What I am saying is, if it does, perhaps who you should be showing,

"it shouldn't be disinterested tourists, but the police."

She said, "We've already established I'm not a fan of The Police." I said, "Not that police."

It is difficult, you get invited to these weird things, I got invited recently to a traffic light party.

If you don't know what one of these is, what it is is the bleakest thing humanity has ever invented.

It is a party for single people and what you do is you go wearing the

colour of a traffic light depending on your availability for "congress" with a stranger.

Red if you are not available, orange if it's a maybe and green if you have absolutely no self-respect at all.

I didn't go because I'm a driver and I know how traffic lights work. I know of that party's going to end.

It's going to end with one girl stood in green and a queue of men with me at the back slowly edging

forward going, "Please still be green when I get there."

You're not even safe if you wear orange because I've driven

with a lot of people that when they see orange they go,

"We that's essentially green if I go fast enough, isn't it?"

You have been lovely. My name's Josh Widdicombe, thank you very much, cheers.

Josh Widdicombe, ladies and gentlemen.

Are you ready for more?

Our next act has been described as a very northern comedian but up here, he's just another southern softie.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is my absolute pleasure to introduce to you, Mick Ferry.

How are you doing? A bit of eye candy for the ladies now.

Yeah!

Take it in!

Apparently I am officially the only pregnant male working in the Fringe.

You have to listen to a lot of fat s... Any other fatties?

I will point you out if I have to.

Well done, you are not messing around, you like me, mate, dead before you are 50.

I'm on a diet, anybody on a diet?

I'm on a points-based diet. Brilliant. Do it, points-based diet.

You wake up in the morning and you go, "If I have a slice of toast and a yoghurt...

"I've got one, two, three...

"I can get drunk."

That's what I've been doing every night. I think I'm losing weight but just getting a bigger beer belly.

It's a great diet.

One of the things that has made it awkward is that supermarkets don't make it easy any more for you.

Do you know why? Especially on a diet, every supermarket's got a rotisserie.

There was a time when you went to the supermarket, you got your food, you took it home, you prepare it.

They have taken that out of the equation now.

When you are on a diet and you are pushing a trolley around you go, "Oh, flapjacks and lettuce.

"Oh, flapjacks and lettuce, I'm going to be full, Oh, flapjacks and lettuce."

You walk past the rotisserie and you hear it, "Hey!

"Fat man!

"Yes, you!

"Come and have a look.

"Look what I've done for you.

"Chickens, three different sizes.

"Chicken legs, chicken thighs, half-chickens, chicken wings..,

"I've not even finished yet.

"Pork belly with stuffing,

"smoked sausages,

"and a selection of pies... for you."

"I'm on a diet."

"Nobody needs to know.

"You can eat it before you get home."

That is what I found myself doing, I have been sat in the car with half a chicken.

Where were you? You took your time. Why have you got grease on your face?

I have to do the shopping. We do it individually now, me and the missus,

cos she won't go to supermarkets with me any more because I get bored and supermarkets and because there is

a lot of places to hide, it is very funny to shout things out.

My favourite one, if we are going down and aisle and there will be a woman in front of us I will go,

"Don't call her a bitch!" And then I duck off.

Some women going...

She's dieting as well with me.

I've got to be honest, these ladies as well, don't get too skinny, it's never been

my preference, a real skinny woman, it might be nice in a magazine but sharing a bed with a skinny woman,

I don't like it. You wake up halfway through the night because you think you're lying on a remote control...

"What is on my back? Oh, it's your spine.

"Go and have a pie.

"Not one of mine. Touch mine and I'll kill you."

Folks, enjoy the rest of your night, enjoy the rest of your Edinburgh.

I have been Mick Ferry, goodnight, God bless, goodbye.

Mick Ferry, ladies and gentlemen.

Our next act is someone I've worked with loads on the comedy circuit.

It is my great pleasure to introduce to you tonight, Mr Carey Marx.

I was walking through London. There was a preacher, stood outside a bank.

He had a T-shirt that said "Jesus saves." He looked like a weird advert for the bank.

If I was a bank manager, I would have sent out a member of staff

to stand next to him in a T-shirt that says, "With us."

He was yelling down the street, "Climate change, God's angry, we're all going to die!"

He came up to me and he said, "Are you concerned about climate change?"

I said, "Yes, I am, but I'm a good person, I've got a Bag For Life."

Some of you might call it reusing bags but in Britain we call it a Bag For Life.

How many of you have got a bag for life?

Because we're good people.

One problem with a Bag For Life,

it doesn't appear in your hand when it's convenient to go shopping.

Any time I think I'll get one more Bag For Life and will definitely reuse this one,

but no, it goes in the Bag For Life drawer.

With all the other Bags For Life.

They are overflowing over the kitchen floor.

You can throw them away - it's a bag for life for heavens sake, you have got to wait till someone dies.

What a strange age we're in. You have got to watch your carbon footprint.

Have you seen what clowns do? It's evil.

I've seen them doing it. Clowns, rather than expel their CO2 into the atmosphere and

they take responsibility for it, no, they blow it into a balloon,

make it into a little animal and they give it to children.

Children walking around with bubbles of deadly gas and their balloons burst

and children's carbon footprints are very high now because of clowns.

Cows are murdering us all with their farting.

It's true, cow farting is a major contributory factor so now the scientists have come up

with a suppository to to give cows to stop them farting and that is the age we are all now living in.

You are now a good person if you fist a cow's arse.

For the planet.

You can't put your willy in a cow, that's wrong.

You can fist its arse!

That's good.

I know I'm on dodgy territory here.

A man interrupted me a few days ago and said, "It's not fisting, I'm a farmer

"and you just put your arm in once and then take it out."

And I'm like, "Yeah, that's how it starts."

So a preacher asked me, "Are you worried about climate change?"

And I said "Yes, but I've got a Bag For Life and whenever I can, I punch a clown and fist a cow."

Make sure you get it the right way round, by the way.

If you punch a cow and fist a clown, you achieve nothing for the planet.

Frankly, you feel demeaned.

You've probably ruined a children's party for no benefit to anyone.

There's no getting out of that, unless you're a damn good puppeteer.

Have a great night. Thank you very much.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Carey Marx!

CHEERING

Our next act is a comedy legend.

When I was growing up watching him on TV when I was a kid, I would

dream that I'd have the privilege of introducing him onto the stage.

Please give it up for the one and only Emo Philips.

I used to be scared of pretty girls.

And then one said, "Emo...

"we're scared of YOU."

Women like courtesy on a date.

I got in trouble once on a date...

..I didn't open the car door for her.

Instead, I just swam for the surface.

APPLAUSE

I like to play chess with old men in the park.

Of course, the tough part about playing chess with old men in the park

is finding 32 of them.

I have a line of greeting cards coming out.

My first job as a kid, I went door-to-door selling

greeting cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement.

You break it, you buy it.

If you know anyone getting married, here's a nice one.

Let's have a birthday card.

It's birthday season approaching.

My sister married someone from Germany,

which is not the most efficient way to get back at them.

But she's doing her part.

I'm at a deli with him in New York.

He says "Emo, I can't get a good bagel back in Germany."

I said "Well, whose fault is that?"

Thank you. Good night.

Emo Philips, ladies and gentlemen!

Our next act is someone I'm a huge fan of and I know you'll love him too.

Please give it up for Imran Yusuf.

Yes, Edinburgh. Hello, my name is Imran Yusuf.

I'm having a fantastic festival, man!

People are coming up to me after my show and asking me questions, yeah?

Cos I'm interesting, ladies.

People are saying to me, "Hey, Imran Yusuf, are you one of these

"British Muslims, or are you one of these Muslims living in Britain?"

Now, see, if I give one answer,

I side with one team, only make THEM happy.

If I give the other answer, I only side with the other team, only make THEM happy.

There ain't no real way to win and please everybody.

Or is there? That's something I've really thought about, OK.

And I don't care what you call yourself, white, black, Chinese, Martian, it doesn't matter.

The only thing that defines you in your life is how you choose to behave.

Carry on like a bellend, no-one will like you!

I don't care what the colour of your skin is, what religion you believe in,

but if you talk inside the cinema, you can go to hell.

Right, see, that's the way it should work.

If you're polite and you have manners, people will love you.

So when people ask me, am I a British Muslim or a Muslim living in Britain, this is how I answer.

And this is a true story, this actually happened to me back home in London.

I was on a Tube train and it was packed full of people,

and I look over and see this women get up to leave.

Now, I'm standing next to the door so I can get off easily.

And she's coming towards me. And she starts squeezing through the carriage, really slowly.

She gets to where I am and she puts her handbag on.

And as her handbag comes on like this,

her elbow came up like that and straight into my eye.

And I...apologised.

"I'm sorry, I seem to have assaulted your elbow...

"..with my eyeball."

It doesn't get any more British than that!

Then I blew up the train!

Some of you are like, "I bet he did too."

That's Nick Griffin's favourite joke, man.

He'd be like "No, no, no, no, no,

"I'm not a racist, I have a colour television."

Man, the BNP, did you hear about that Asian guy that joined the BNP?

Did you hear about the British Asian guy who joined the BNP, he was a Sikh guy,

with a massive pink turban,

and he joined the BNP.

I thought, "Boy, he must have been somewhat confused."

"Yes, BNP - Bhangra and Punjabi, no?"

Then he turned up to that first meeting, he's like, "Oh, they don't like bhangra.

"And they definitely don't like Punjabis."

Crazy stuff, man. Affiliation and identity means so much to people nowadays.

Give me a cheer if you're proud to be British.

SOME CHEERING AND BOOING

Not everybody, but hey! This kind of made me think, right, what does it mean to be proud to be British?

Is it something to do with your ethnicity or how many generations your family have been here?

I think you know you're proud to be British when this happens to you.

You'll be at home, or you'll be at work and you install a new software program on your computer.

And when you do, that little dialogue box appears and it says "Select preferred language."

And the default is always English US.

And you just look at it and go, "Huh. No, no, no, no, no, no, no."

That's when you know you're proud to be British.

That's all from me, guys. My name's Imran Yusuf. Peace out, God bless.

Imran Yusuf, ladies and gentlemen!

Wow, how lovely to see the ethnics making their mark.

Really makes me feel very proud.

Are you ready for our final act for this glorious evening?

CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Jimeoin.

Right, right, right. Thank you, thank you very much.

I do like to move around the stage a little bit at the start.

Just trying to find the funniest part of the stage.

This is normally how night's work.

Normally what happens is when people are telling you a story,

halfway through their story, it suddenly reminds you of a story.

So the whole way through their story, you're not listening to a word,

you're just thinking, "Hurry up and finish that stupid story, mine's next."

But you have to pretend that you're listening because if you don't listen to them, they won't listen to you.

So you have to look like you're listening. You don't have to listen, it's just a trick.

Eyebrows down for listening, eyebrows up for talking, that's all you have to do.

"Very much so. We had that, we did that, too.

"I know, it's bizarre."

Next time someone's talking to you, do eyebrows up, do you see what happens?

Cos they're talking to you and you're going...

They're thinking, "He's not listening."

You have to leave a gap at the end of their story like you reflecting on the reason why

they told that story.

If you launch straight into your story, they'll know you were just waiting for the end.

Not too long a gap, cos someone else might come in with their story and you're like...!

Then they take the story away from your subject matter, your story's no longer relevant.

That was the only window in the night to tell that story.

Now it's gone, you have to think of a whole new story.

Do you ever get a sneeze that just won't come?

You can't explain what's wrong with you because you can't talk for that period.

You're talking and stop talking and your friends are going, "What's wrong?"

And you're going...

It's even worse when you're on the phone because they don't know what's happening. "Hello?"

Or you're talking to someone and they have to yawn, and then they realise that's rude, because it's

implying that your story's boring, so they try and stifle the yawn, and end up looking even more stupid.

You're talking to them and they're going...

It's infectious, you start doing it back to them.

Someone else comes in the room and they have to sneeze, but can't.

That's how kung-fu movies start.

Enter The Dragon, that was Bruce Lee walking into a room about to sneeze.

The other two guys were yawning.

It wrote itself. That's all from me. Thank you very much and...

..have a great night, thank you.

Jimeoin, ladies and gentlemen!

-Have you had a good evening?

-CHEERING

Please give it up for all of the wonderful acts you've seen tonight.

God bless the Edinburgh Comedy Festival!

Thank you for coming. I've been Shappi Khorsandi. Good night.

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