Episode 1 Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live

This programme contains adult humour.

It's Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live 2011!

Please welcome your host, Jon Richardson.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Hello, Edinburgh!

-AUDIENCE CHEERS

-How are you?

Welcome to the Edinburgh Comedy Festival Live.

So the Edinburgh Festival... Are you enjoying it?

You've kind of boiled it all down into one show,

so I'm guessing you're not massively into the festival.

"We can see it in one evening and then just piss off."

I don't like Edinburgh Festival.

There's nowhere in the world where there are more happy people

trying to spread happiness for other people,

and it frankly is mildly irritating.

I'm not a big fan of the happy, if I'm honest.

Give a cheer if you'd describe yourself as a happy person.

-AUDIENCE CHEERS

-That's nice.

-You're always happy?

-CHEERING

Bullshit. Impossible. Absolutely.

What you're doing there is not paying attention.

THEY LAUGH

Because some stuff is shit. It's just a fact in the world,

and you have acknowledge that so you can deal with it.

The problem with happy people is, if you say, "I'm not very happy,"

their advice is terrible. They say, "Oh, you should just chillax."

"You're making that quite difficult with your vocabulary at the moment."

It's like going up to someone who's just been shot

and saying, "Hey, you want to stop bleeding."

-LAUGHTER

-It's not advice, is it?

I hate the simplicity of it. When I think of happiness,

the image that comes to mind is a man in Edinburgh.

He was a homeless man, and he used to stand outside the Sainsbury's on Rose Street,

and he used to sing Bobby McFerrin's Don't Worry, Be Happy.

It would cheer you up and you'd give him some money.

The song, if I'm honest, annoys me beyond belief.

That's not advice, is it? "Don't worry - be happy!"

"Oh, I hadn't thought of that. That's a better idea."

There's a line in that song, "Your landlord says your rent is late."

"He may have to litigate. Don't worry!"

That sounds a bit stressful to me, Bob.

That sounds like the sort of thing, if it was happening to me,

I probably would worry a little bit, just in case there was a solution I could find.

My lyrics would be, "Your landlord says your rent is late."

"He may have to litigate. Perhaps it's time to consider a second source of income."

-LAUGHTER

-"Certainly in the short term,

but with a double-dip recession looming following cutbacks,

you might want to think longer term. If you've got a spare room,

take on a flat... mate," which still rhymes.

-LAUGHTER

-Litigate, flatmate.

There are some issues of rhythm and structure, but aren't there always, ladies?

APPLAUSE

Welcome to the old penis joke. That's all it is. Don't be ashamed.

It's not advice, that, is it? And he used to stand and sing,

and the idea is you go into Sainsbury's, all angry at the world

cos you're stressed, and you think, "This man has got nothing."

"He hasn't got a house or a job, and he's happier than me

cos he's just decided to be," and you give him some money

and you feel better about life. That's what you're meant to think.

It's not what I used to think. I couldn't help but think

what he's really saying is, "My decision not to worry

has led to me being unable to feed and house myself."

"Would you, as a man who worries frequently,

and not just about stuff that concerns you but the most trivial, banal shit you could imagine,

give me some money to facilitate my future life choice?"

You don't worry selfishly. Now I'm stressed about him.

He's saying, "Can you worry for two? Because I'm not really bothered."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

We've got the best comedians from the best comedy festival

in the world, so you're going to have an incredible night. You up for that?

If you saw the show last year, you'll know how good this first act is.

Please give all your love. Welcome the wonderful Mr Josh Widdicombe!

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Hello!

You well? AUDIENCE CHEERS

I'm not as good as that at answering questions.

I struggle with questions. The only question I know what to answer

is when my computer crashes, and it comes back on and it goes,

"Do you want to send a report?"

No!

LAUGHTER I'm not a grass!

If I was going to grass up my computer, I wouldn't do it via my computer. He'll know!

I'll grass him up, he'll start grassing me up.

He's got far more on me than I have on him, I can tell you.

It's nice, Edinburgh. I enjoy it. I struggle with the city.

I grew up in a small village. This kind of thing didn't happen.

The most exciting thing that happened was when I was seven.

There was a field with a bull in it. And I was terrified of this bull.

My dad would go, "Oh, don't worry about that."

"He's more scared of you than you are of him."

I'd think, "No, I don't think he is."

There's only one of us here with a 200-stone weight advantage and horns.

The only way he's more scared of me than I am of him

is if he has a phobia of wellington boots with eyes on the front.

LAUGHTER

I was terrified through my childhood. Bonfire Night terrified me,

because the build-up to it was just warnings

about the way it was going to go wrong. "Bonfire Night's coming up."

"Careful you don't get burnt with a sparkler or a firework."

On Blue Peter every year they had the same warning.

It applied to no-one in Britain. "Bonfire Night's coming up,

and if you do own a pet tortoise"...

LAUGHTER

What?!

"If you do own a pet tortoise and it's hibernating in a box,

do be careful to not absentmindedly throw that box onto the fire."

LAUGHTER

I don't know how unlikely that scenario is.

First, I know no-one who owns a pet tortoise.

Secondly, how unruly is your Bonfire Night getting?

You're going, "Just chuck everything on, yeah."

"Guy Fawkes was a shit. Show him what I think of him."

"Go and get my boxes. Don't look in 'em. Throw 'em on the fire."

"I don't care if the contents are snoring. Throw it on, I told you!"

Two months later you're walking round your house, going, "Where the hell is Sheldon?"

The only thing there wasn't a warning about was the toffee apple.

They should have said, "If you are planning eating a toffee apple,

do be aware that they are shit."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

No-one actually likes toffee apples.

No-one wants a food that gets worse the more you eat of it.

You're tricking children into eating apples. It's like bobbing for apples.

I spent my year not wanting to eat an apple.

You put that apple in water, put my hands behind my back,

I will drown myself to eat that apple.

It's me or the apple. I couldn't give a shit. I'm waterboarding for apples.

I do not care. If you make something into a game,

people want the prize, no matter what it is.

Like those 2p pushing machines you get at the pier.

I've spent my life trying to get rid of 2ps.

You put them on a moving shelf, suddenly I'm going,

"I am having all those 2ps if it kills me."

Not just those 2ps - I'm getting this pound coin changed into more 2ps,

to get these 2ps.

I go for the one that's not just 2ps. It's got extra items balanced on top

I want less! "That's not just 2ps, is it?"

"That's a Shabba Ranks key fob!"

LAUGHTER "I remember Shabba Ranks!"

"I've got keys. I'm having it!"

I won't see these machines in years. The moment I do, I'm an expert,

going, "Oh, that one's not going to fall, is it? No."

"That one's going to pay out big. That one's a 10p."

"I'm going nowhere near that. I'm not made of money."

No-one's ever been on the 10p pushing machine. It's not Monte Carlo.

LAUGHTER There's no guy on the screen

going, "That guy's got a system. Get him out. He's two Tamagotchis up."

The other one I go on is the dance simulator, with the four arrows,

and the arrows come up on the screen. You'll be stood for ages like this,

going, "Well, I tell you what, I'm a better dancer than I thought!"

You are not a better dancer than you thought.

You do that in a nightclub, you are not a better dancer than you think.

"You like these moves, girls? Wait for the big one."

"There it is. Very nice indeed."

APPLAUSE You have been lovely.

My name is Josh Widdicombe. Cheers. Good night!

AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

Thanks very much. Mr Josh Widdicombe!

Next up... There are some comedians, they have a gift.

When they come out, you hope they stay forever.

This guy's one of them. You'll love him. Please welcome Neil Delamere!

Hello! Hello. It's a pleasure to be here in Edinburgh

because it's not London. And the last time, there was riots in London,

and this is why I like it. The last time there was riots in London,

my auntie, who's 85, saw the footage,

and the police were trying to kettle the students in,

corralling them, like you're trying to keep steam in a kettle.

My auntie knew it was something to do with kettles, or tea,

and she said to me, "Did you see what's happening in London?"

"The police are tea-bagging students!"

LAUGHTER

I said, "I'm pretty sure they're not, actually!"

She goes, "They are! I saw it on Sky News!"

And my brother said, "Maybe they are, and that's why, if you do an impression of an English bobby,

you traditionally go, ''Ello, 'ello, 'ello!'"

We had a little bit of civil unrest in Dublin recently as well.

Tiny bit when the Queen came over. 50 chavvy scumbags turned up

to O'Connell Street and protested by releasing 1,000 black balloons.

Somebody clearly went, "Quick, the Queen's coming over! Blow something up!"

AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS

So over the Queen flew, avoiding Ryanair, because...

People slag off Ryanair. I'm not going to do that.

"Oh, they fly to this destination," all that. What annoys me

is that they use three different accents on their announcements.

You land, it's that soft, Scottish, "Congratulations. You've arrived on yet another on-time Ryanair flight."

Then there's the English one for the scratch cards,

then a soft, female Southern Irish accent for the safety.

I understand that. It's comforting, like my mammy saying it.

"In the event of a sudden loss in cabin pressure,

we'll probably be grand."

LAUGHTER

"A cup of tea will fall from the panel above your head."

"To start the flow of tea, pull the teapot towards yourself."

It's kind of comforting. The Scottish for punctuality,

the English for selling, and Southern Irish for the safety.

They don't play Northern Irish that we know of.

I think if you crash, they play a Northern Irish accent,

because that's not an accent to mess around with. You hit the water -

"Right! You've got two minutes to get out!"

"Go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go!"

"Leave your bags! You're on a Ryanair flight."

"Your clothes are probably shite anyway."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

"Please find your nearest emergency exit."

"I'll give you a clue. The sea is coming in it."

LAUGHTER

"Remember, you can have more children, so pick your favourite one

and save him! He's always wanted to swim with dolphins."

"Now's his chance."

"You can't find your favourite one, pick the ginger one."

"It'll be easier for the helicopters to spot."

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

"If he gets sunburnt, all the better!"

And five hours later you get washed up on some random beach in France,

and you hear, "Congratulations. You've arrived on yet another on-time Ryanair flight."

It's been a pleasure. Enjoy the rest of your night.

Good luck. Bye-bye.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Mr Neil Delamere!

So, next up, if you haven't seen this act before,

you're in for a treat. If you've seen them before,

you are in for a treat. You're basically in for a treat.

It's the Irish hip-hop sensation.

Please welcome to the stage Abandoman!

Hey! Yes!

Hello!

Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, how are we all?

We are here with the Irish hip-hop crew.

I know. I'm surprised too. We're going to try a little something.

We're going to try and write the most beautiful musical we can

in four minutes. We need a bit of help from you.

Everybody in this room, take out the oddest thing you can find

in your pockets, in your purses. Just take it out.

Oddest thing you can find, take it out. Every single person.

We need a bit of a champion. I'm going to pick this man on the edge here.

-What's your name, sir?

-Greg.

-Greg! What do you do, Greg?

If you work in a cafe called Greggs, I'll love you even more,

-but that's neither here or there.

-Student.

-What do you study?

-Accountancy.

-Legend! This is going to be already an awesome musical.

Greg, if you could do anything - if you met a genie today,

what would you wish for? Something a bit esoteric.

-Become a professional golfer.

-A professional golfer.

Nothing to do with your studies. I like your style. You're a dreamer!

We're going try and write a great musical about Greg's life.

He studies accountancy. He wants to be a golfer.

Hold up those items. If we touch them,

we're going to use them as inspiration

for a line in Gregg's musical. I'll play Greg.

It's complicated, but it's how Lloyd Webber wrote Cats.

Every single person, hold whatever you've got in the air.

I will become Greg. Hold them on up.

Anything that we touch has to go in a rhyme.

This is the ballad of Mr Greg! CHEERING

# Oh, yeah, he likes to count

# Money in large amounts

# Oh, yeah, he's the best

# So give it up for your boy Greg...

# OK, this is my show, now blow the whistle

-# As a child, all I did was count

-# Skittles

# That's right, you know, I did it insane, yo

# And then count all the numbers in the rainbow

# Don't you know, I was like a joker

# Count all day, energy from a Coca-Cola

# That's how I did it, I did it with ease

# I broke into a math superstore with these keys

# Yes, you know, when I was just a young fella

# I wanted to be Rihanna with this umbrella

# But I decided, yes, no doubt you see

# That I could do better and do some accountancy

# Don't you know, my life was swell

# Everything I'd do was to look at Excel

# That's right, you know, I'm saying, my friend

# I just sat with math, paper and a pen

# Yeah, I do that, doing that proper

# People said to me that you should be a golfer

# I said, "Golfer? I've got much love"

# "In fact, look at this, I've got a golf glove"

# People said to me, up in the house

# "That is one hand from Mickey Mouse"

# I looking at them, like, boom, they so silly

# Slap them with the house, with the hand of the mouse of Disney

# Yes, sir, then we runnin' over here

# Person down there, I'm saying don't let it disappear

# Said to myself, "Honestly, promise me"

# "Do not be a golfer, that's laughable, comedy"

# So I decided that I'd be good

# Forgetting the life of the Tiger Woods

# I said, don't you know, I did something drastic

# I went to a Shakespearean play named Hamlet

# I decided, yes, man, I'm a hero

# I could be Hamlet

# That way I'd no fear, yo, decide that right now

# It would be swell for me to dedicate my life to Excel

# I said, don't you understand, I could be the best

# Respect the name because the name is Greg

# Every single day I'm oh, so happy

# I'll be a golfer, an accountant for a cafe

# That's right, you know I've got to stroll

# Straight into Greggs to account the sausage rolls

# Ladies and gentlemen, you know he's the best

# Stand up, take a bow, this is Mr Greg

# Ladies and gentlemen, people, you're beautiful

# This is Greg, and this is his musical

# Ladies and gentlemen, it's a random jam

# Much love from the boys, Abandoman #

Thank you very much! AUDIENCE CHEERS

Ladies and gents, give it up for Abandoman!

APPLAUSE

# And now a little bit of admin...

Can't really rap in a northern accent.

"Yeah, I'll pop a cap on yer 'ead." "It's..."

"It's very cold outside. We'll go to the Dog

and have a nice Sunday lunch... bitches!"

-LAUGHTER

-There we go.

Showcasing skills.

Next up tonight, easily one of the most naturally brilliant comics

I've ever worked with. Please welcome the wonderful Seann Walsh!

Thank you! Hello, Edinburgh!

-Hello!

-It's good to be here. Nice to be at the festival.

Lot of drinking. The Royal Mile, there's a lot of drinking there.

I saw a bloke... You know those people that expect money

for standing still? I saw a bloke so drunk,

he put down a pound. He went, "Good luck to you, man."

"Good luck. Keep up the good work. Good luck."

It was an actual statue.

LAUGHTER

I've been trying to look after myself this festival.

I've not taken it too far. I've not started going to the gym.

My friends have been. Everyone's going to the gym now.

All these new gyms. Every new building seems to be a gym, made of glass!

So you have to look in and see people working out,

and feel shit about your own body.

You look up... There's blokes on the cross-trainer.

There is nothing that makes you look like a bigger dick

than the cross-trainer, is there?

Looking up and seeing 12 blokes in a row, just going...

LAUGHTER

What are you doing? Your body doesn't need to do that, does it?

I've never been walking down the high street,

seen a bloke going, "Oh, God, I'm late."

"Out the way! Out the way!"

I can't stand all these blokes that take their top off on a sunny day.

Every bloke that doesn't have a good body looks at that guy,

goes, "He's a prick." LAUGHTER

You very quickly realise that, when a man says, "He's a prick,"

what he actually means is, "I wish I was him."

I do that when I see a bloke on a bicycle, cycling with no hands.

You know that guy?

LAUGHTER

You're going, "Please die. Please crash. Please die."

Just once, I'd love to see that guy go, whoo...

Just so you could go, "You all right, mate? Do you need a hand?"

"Should've used yours earlier."

LAUGHTER

Blokes take their top off... In my local pub, guys go up to girls,

go, "Feel that. Look at that. Feel that. Look at that."

That's a lot of confidence. "Look at that. Feel that."

The only time I say that about my body

is when I've woken up hung over,

can't remember what's happened the night before,

and I've found a bruise.

You've got to point out when you've got a bruise. You have to do it.

You can't keep that to yourself. "Look at that! How'd that happen?"

"Look, I've got a bruise. Look." When they do look, "Feel it."

"Go on, feel it. Ow! See, it's definitely a bruise."

LAUGHTER

You've got to tell people. We do it with hiccups, as well.

You do the hiccup, then you tell them.

HE HICCUPS "Oh, I got hiccups." "I know!"

THEY LAUGH

Maybe I should do more exercising. I'm too lazy.

The closest I get to exercising is...

trying to keep up the window in my living room.

The sash window, the one that never stays up.

HE MAKES GRINDING, CLUNKING SOUNDS

I should go and get the cardboard first, but I can't be bothered.

It's like when you're trying to put the SCART lead in the back of the TV.

First ten minutes, you always try and do it without looking.

LAUGHTER

This has never worked before, but please, just the once...

I can't be bothered to move the television. Please!

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Seann Walsh. Have a good night!

CHEERING / APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Seann Walsh!

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Next act, that super-smart, super-funny...

He's only right over there. Make some noise

for the wonderful Mark Watson!

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Hello!

All right. I don't tend to make the most exciting first impression

on an audience. I wish I could come out and be more like a rock star,

but I'm a bit sort of scrawny looking, pathetic, thin...

I'm so thin, it's unbelievable. People look at me

and imagine I don't eat. "Oh, have you had dinner?"

Which is in fact bullshit. If someone said to me,

"You have to either give up food or give up sex,"

I'd say, "No, I don't," and that would be the end of it, I think, pretty much.

I'm not falling for that one again, wife.

You know? LAUGHTER

I have got a wife! People imagine that I haven't,

but I have, despite the natural disadvantage

of my skeletal appearance. But it's just my metabolism.

People imagine that I'm sort of starving myself.

I just metabolise incredibly quickly.

By the time you've asked for the bill, I've shat it, basically.

In that sort of situation I'm absolutely ruthless.

They don't even know I've been there half the time.

I am not only married, but I'm a dad! Can you believe it?

I've got a baby. You never get used to it. I'm a dad!

Just saying it now, "I'm a dad" - it feels wrong, you know?

I mean, dads are like a different species.

You look around here - I can see people that are clearly dads,

and they're lovely, but they're not how you'd like to see yourself.

They wear dad clothes, listen to dad music.

On the way here they had, maybe, the Eagles on, you know...

They make dad noises. I'm 31.

I've started making dad noises. I've started picking things up

and going, "Hup!", for example! It's not that heavy an object.

Recently I caught myself getting into a hot bath

and sort of going, "Ai-ai-ahhhh..."

LAUGHTER And as I was doing it,

I thought, "This is not one of my noises. This is a dad noise."

My God! It's a slippery slope. What'll it be next?

Soon I'll be saying, "Any more for any more?" at the end of a meal.

My father-in-law... I shouldn't really tell you this,

but we're a long way... We're in Edinburgh. He lives in Essex.

My father-in-law - James Howes, in case you do meet him -

he, um... They live in... They're in Essex.

When he sneezes, you would swear he was shouting the word Hiroshima.

It's amazing. "Hiroshima!"

There's no even attempt at a sneeze. It's just one yell.

"Hiroshima!" So people that don't know him,

it scares the shit out of people! "Hiroshima!"

You can see people thinking, "Did that man just shout Hiroshima?"

"Is he having World War II flashbacks to a time well before he was born?"

The first time I ever stayed at my future wife's house...

I didn't know her at all. I'd barely been going out with her for...

I'd never met my future father-in-law.

I was woken up at two in the morning by what appeared to be my future father-in-law going, "Hiroshima!"

I thought, "Is it some sort of test of suitability?"

"You can't have my daughter unless you win this battle of wits." I nearly went in in my pyjamas -

"Nagasaki!", like we were playing some atomic-war-based Mallet's Mallet.

A few blank faces. Mallet's Mallet - a long time ago.

No time to explain now. My time's up. I got to go! My name's Mark Watson.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Mr Mark Watson!

CHEERING / APPLAUSE

Next up we've got... He's won pretty much every award in comedy.

He's one of the biggest names of the festival now, deservedly so.

-Please welcome Mr Russell Kane!

-AUDIENCE CHEERS

How are you? All right? AUDIENCE SHOUTS "YES"

This is the first festival I've done as a single man.

Newly single! Give me a cheer. AUDIENCE CHEERS

"You really going to talk about being single?" I've never been single in my life!

I'm a serial monogamist, one of those weak people

that go from one relationship to the next

because I didn't get enough love from Daddy when I was growing up,

so I rush from one relationship to the other -

"I'll never recover from Carol... Wait! You've shown me some rudimentary kindness."

"Let's move in straight away. Hooray!"

Over and over again. And the other thing - why was there no warning

about how horrific it is to be a single man?

Lots of nonsense is talked about how great it is to be a single guy,

out on the pull, doing what you like when you like

into whichever sock you like, on your own,

and... "I still love her! I still love Carrie."

Right? That's the reality.

And a lot of girls moan about it. "It's worse to be a single woman."

"How dare you say that? You think you're on the shelf

and you're only 25. Men look at you when you're not even looking for male attention."

"What, you think because I put a short skirt on..."

"I'm post-feminist. I wear what I like now."

"I'm not asking for that. It's so hard to be a woman." Fair enough!

Fair enough, ladies. But have you ever stopped for a second

to think what it's like to be on the other team?

To be one of those desperate, rapey gits on the dance floor

with his eyes scouring... "Please, someone weak enough

to come home with me... That one's got a limp! Chase her!"

"Wait, Carol! Please wait!"

LAUGHTER

RUSSELL CHUCKLES

And there's, er... You know, the lowest...

This is on telly, so I'm a bit worried about doing this next bit.

I'm in the flow now, and I'm so post-modern I don't care. I've not planned anything.

How "Edinburgh" is that intellectual lip?

So smug, the things at the festival without punch lines!

It was amazing.

LAUGHTER

Do you know the lowest moment of my year?

Some of you are thinking, "After every gig, all the girls are..."

Do you know why I never pull at any gig?

Because I can't resist revealing this,

to show how weak the male brain can really be.

I found myself doing the most odious thing. Didn't sleep with anyone,

but trotting down from the stage to survey people that had been in my show,

hunting for girls with low self-esteem.

What a depressing moment in a man's life,

when you realise you can only be aroused

by a girl with no confidence! "You're not too confident, are you?"

"Want to go out for a Pizza Express?"

In fact, in this lovely large theatre,

if any girls with low self-esteem could just arrange yourselves by the bins,

that would be... "I've got no confidence since Andrew left me."

"I hate the way I look. I hate my body." "Get in the van! You'll do.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. Good night!

CHEERING / APPLAUSE

It's Mr Russell Kane!

The next act - he's an amazing man, amazing comic.

Welcome to the stage the wonderful Mr David O'Doherty!

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

Uh-oh! Somebody's got the party machine.

Uh-oh! Does anyone have the time? It's party time.

Let's do it. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

My name is David O'Doherty.

My mother was Shannen Doherty from Beverly Hills 90210.

LAUGHTER My father is Pete Doherty,

the drug addict.

Right. Let's take it down. HE PLAYS DRAMATIC RIFF

World,

on this very broadcast last year,

I told you to stop messing with me. I said you could mess with me once,

and you might get away with it. Mess with me twice,

and chances are, I still probably won't remember.

But mess with me numerous times across a concerted period

in a similar way, and think you're going to get away with it?

Well, you're wrong, because I'm going to lampoon you

through a comedy song...song...song.

# I'm talking about My Beefs, Two-Zero-One-One

# Things I want to shoot with my fury gun...

Pow! # My Beefs, 2011

# Things that make me go "aaagh"

# Beauticians

# Stop dressing up a nurses

# You are not nurses

# You are the opposite of nurses...

Especially when I have a bicycle accident close to you

and you offer no assistance whatsoever,

and blood is streaming from my face. Thank you, beauticians!

# Boots the Chemist

# Could your "ladies, get ready for summer" campaign

# Be any more evil?

Ladies, it's the summer. Better stop eating and paint yourselves orange.

Soon Boots are going to run out of ways of making ladies feel insecure.

They're going to have to make up new ones.

"Ladies, when you do that, is your wrist slightly wrinkly there?"

"Urrgh!"

"Men hate that. We asked them, and they said they hate it."

"Luckily we are launching Boots' new wrist-emulsifying cream."

Get lost! LAUGHTER

Travelodge hotels!

If Travelodge were to have a corporate logo,

it should be a lonely businessman crying as he wanks.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS It's just the fact that you go in,

and on your bed there's just a towel and a teabag and a Bible.

MacGyver could not create joy from those three elements!

If you read the Travelodge Bible, at the end of it,

Jesus wouldn't even come back. He'd be, like, "Forget this. I'm going to the Holiday Inn."

"You sometimes get a pool there."

I am not Chris O'Dowd! Chris O'Dowd is an Irish actor

who's in the film Bridesmaids and The IT Crowd.

At this point in my life, three times a day people come up to me

and go, "Oh, I saw you in..." No, you didn't!

The only similarity is, I am O'Doherty,

and he's O'... It's like an O, apostrophe, and a D,

and a vague Irishness. That does not make us the same person!

I am not Daniel O'Donnell either! LAUGHTER

Finally - my friends, actual grown-ups -

stop taking computer games so seriously.

I have a friend who plays Guitar Hero, the game.

It's not the fact that he plays it and he is an adult.

It's the fact that he sometimes answers the front door in just his underpants and a T-shirt

with a tiny, stupid, plastic children's guitar around his neck,

and he goes, "Do you want to come in? I'm just jammin'."

You're not jamming! Bob Marley did jamming.

It just makes me so sad. I think, looking at him,

just the idea of dedicating that much of your life

to attaining this pointless expertise

in what amounts to a stupid, plastic, children's toy musical instrument...

HE CONTINUES TO PLAY

Sort it out, world! If you don't, then you risk

being part of My Beefs 2011.

HE PLAYS FRENETIC EXTRO

AUDIENCE CHEERS

That's Mr David O'Doherty!

Next up, one of the most unique comedy brains on the circuit, for my money.

Please give it up for the wonderful Andrew Lawrence!

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Ah, thank you very much! Lovely warm welcome.

Nice to be here. Well done to you people for sitting down the front.

That takes a certain sort of bravery. I don't know what I'm going to say to you.

You don't know what you're going to say to me. It's difficult, talking.

When I was growing up, my parents used to say, "Don't talk to any creepy-looking men."

The irony now, of course, is I'm a creepy-looking man,

and children aren't allowed to talk to me!

This afternoon I saw a small boy bouncing a ball in his front garden.

He looked up at me. He smiled. He said,

"Hello!" Part of me was touched.

Another part of me thought, "How impertinent,

for a small boy to address an adult in that way."

I said, "Throw me the ball!" He did. I kicked it as high as I could

across the road, into a skip. He said, "My ball! Why did you do that?"

I said, "Because life is hard, my little friend."

"Consider that lesson number one."

And his mother came running out the house screaming,

"What the hell are you doing here? You're only supposed to see him on weekends."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

It's nice to be in Scotland. All the Scottish people, give me a cheer.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

I like it, especially compared to some other Third World countries.

LAUGHTER I think it compares very favourably.

I got the train up. I love the trains.

When I was a kid I used to have a model train set.

I used to pretend I was a train driver, making those smug, sarcastic announcements,

like, "Please move right down inside the carriage."

"Please move right down inside the carriage, to allow other people to invade your personal space."

"Please line up against all the windows and doors

to allow your physical boundaries to be encroached upon

till you're inadvertently dry-humping a stranger."

"Please do eat some stinky, disgusting food with your mouth open,

drop half of it on the floor to sit there rotting for the rest of the week."

"Please do swing a large, bulky bag over your shoulder,

smack everyone in the face with it as you leave the train."

"Please do block the aisle with pushchairs full of screaming, ugly, dirty children

who should've been abandoned at birth."

"Please do be entirely unable to operate our automated toilet door

and have it swing back as a parade of schoolchildren walk past

to reveal you hideously mid-crap with all your bits and pieces hanging out

like a farmyard animal. Welcome to ScotRail. We'll, er..."

"We'll take you where you need to go."

APPLAUSE

I got a train. I got a train up this year,

and it's packed. And a lady got on. I thought she was pregnant.

There were no free seats. I got up. I said, "Would you like my seat?"

She said, "I'm not pregnant, actually."

Awkward, isn't it? I said, "What difference does that make?"

"I know lots of people who aren't pregnant and they like a nice sit-down, especially the fat ones."

LAUGHTER

It's easily done. It's so easy to say the wrong thing.

I was at a late-night gig on Saturday,

one of these late-night Edinburgh Festival gigs. I was on first,

and then I went to the back to watch other comedians.

I was walking back to the green room. A lady from the crowd grabbed me,

asked me to get one of the comedians for her.

I said to the comedian, "There's a lady out there wants to talk to you."

He said, "Oh, yeah? Scale of one to ten, how attractive is she?"

I said, "I don't want to put a number on it. That's a bit crass,

but if I had to, I'd probably say no more than a three."

He said, "Oh, all right, then." He went out to talk to her -

turns out it's his wife. That's embarrassing, isn't it?

Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a privilege. Thank you very much. Good night.

CHEERING

Mr Andrew Lawrence, ladies and gentlemen!

Welcome to the stage the next act, the wonderful Mr Ron Vaudry!

Thank you very much. Good evening. How are you?

AUDIENCE CHEERS This is pleasant.

Can we get this light a little brighter, if it's at all possible?

I can almost see my dead parents beckoning me in this one.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

That's a light for if you're late for school. That's an angry light.

Some of you weren't laughing. Let me explain for you briefly.

Laughter is a good thing, OK? That's my only message.

It's my only intent. It's a very powerful thing, laughter,

a very physical thing. Every time you laugh,

your brain emits chemicals - positive chemicals,

dopamines, endorphins that stimulate your immune system

and possibly can kill a cancer cell. Yeah!

So my way of looking at it's got to be, if you'd rather have cancer

than laugh at my silly jokes at my dead parents,

what kind of miserable bastard are you?

THEY LAUGH

I like living here amongst you people.

I've been living here in Britain for a little over seven years now,

which means I've experienced seven British summers.

And, Christ, they are special. LAUGHTER

You should be very proud of these little Kodak moments you call summer over here.

You guys are a much hardier lot than you let on.

I have so much respect for you people. Ten months in a row

of grey and drizzle every goddamn day -

I'd wanna stick a gun in my mouth.

There's not a drop of vitamin D on this entire island, is there?

How'd the Germans even find you freaks in the first place? That's my question.

They are some lucky-guessing Nazis, they are.

I like everything about you guys. I love your TV.

Your TV is awesome here. It cracks me up every day.

ITV news in the morning - they read you the newspapers,

the lazy bastards. What the hell is that?

It's supposed to be TV. And why do you make your deaf people stay up so late just to watch TV?

What's that all about?

LAUGHTER

Kind of rude, when you think about it, isn't it?

Anybody else miss the Richard And Judy Show?

Those were lovely afternoons, pondering,

"What kind of bizarre Dorian Gray deal with the devil did this bastard make, huh?"

He was on the show with his lovely wife, then his grandmother.

How the hell did that happen?

LAUGHTER

"Holy Christ, she got older during the advert!"

There'll just be a pile of dust in the chair as the credits roll by in the end.

"Judy's got to go now." HE BLOWS

LAUGHTER

You guys have been awesome. Thank you very much. Enjoy the rest of your evening.

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

Mr Ron Vaudry!

We're about to introduce a man, when I first came to Edinburgh,

his was one of the first shows I saw. It's still one of the best.

It's an honour to introduce Mr Jimeoin!

AUDIENCE CHEERS

HE PLAYS MONOTONOUS ROCK RIFF

HE CONTINUES TO PLAY Thank you.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

That was called That's That One.

This one's called This Is This One.

HE PLAYS SAME MONOTONOUS RIFF

No, I'm joking. That's That One again.

THEY LAUGH

This is this one.

This one's called That's Not It, Is It?

LAUGHTER

# There is... That's not it.

Is it?

That is it.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

There are no songs.

I just strum a bit, and people feel like they've had a song.

HE LAUGHS

HE PLAYS MELODIC INTRO

This song's about my kitchen.

# In my kitchen, there's a drawer at the top

# It's got cutlery, knives, forks

# Spoons, the lot

# Second drawer down's got a big knife and an egg whip

# And things that should go in the first drawer

# They just don't fit

LAUGHTER

# And the third drawer from the top

# It's just

# Full of shit

THEY LAUGH

HE PLAYS MELODY

# There's elastic bands and cigarette papers

# That won't stick

# Dried-up glue, false teeth

# Something stolen from a hotel

# Things that are broken

# That you know you'll never fix

# But you put them in the third drawer

# Cos you just ain't got the heart

# To throw them away

# It's the third drawer from the top

# It's full of shit

# And there's tons of it

# And it rhymes with "shit"

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

# There's Blu-Tack and sellotape

# That's been hit by a truck

# One chopstick

# An ashtray from Canada

# Paid bills and envelopes

# Things that you think will come in handy

# They just never do

# It's the third drawer from the top

# It's full of shit

# And the fourth drawer

# From the top

# It's got plastic bags in it

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

# And that's it #

LAUGHTER Thank you very much. Thank you!

I'm Jimeoin. Thank you. Good night.

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

Mr Jimeoin!

Welcome to the stage the next act, an amazing comic,

easily one of the coolest as well. Please give everything you can.

It's the wonderful Mr Tom Stade!

APPLAUSE

Well!

Well, good evening! All right.

I was just, er... I was just over in Afghanistan.

Are any of my Afghani brothers here?

No!

Cos they're not allowed to come over here!

You got to join the army to go to Afghanistan.

You can't take an easyJet flight over there.

I want to see Afghanistan on one of them holiday programmes

like A Place In The Sun.

I want to see... I want to see little Amanda sitting there, going,

"Hi! I'm Amanda, and we're here in sunny, war-torn Afghanistan

with Bob and Margaret, who are thinking about relocating."

LAUGHTER

"And they have £5 to spend"...

LAUGHTER

.."on a beautiful mud hut."

"This next hut I'm going to show you, it's a little out of your budget."

"It's £9."

"But it does come with an opium field."

"Is that something you'd be interested in, Bob? Gardening?" "Ooh, I love gardening."

LAUGHTER We're out there fighting terrorism.

I can't believe it. Terrorism!

Why? Terrorism is winning!

Not out there, but in here,

because we are scared of stuff we were never scared of before.

Stuff like unattended luggage!

LAUGHTER

15 years ago, if you saw unattended luggage,

you'd be excited!

LAUGHTER You'd take it!

15 years ago, didn't even matter who left their luggage.

15 years ago, you would've been, like, "Oh, my God!"

"That woman...

in a burqa...

..and a beard...

LAUGHTER

..just left her luggage."

"Well, all right!"

"I got some luggage...

from Northern Pakistan!"

15 years ago, you wouldn't think there was a bomb in there.

15 years ago, you would've went, "Pakistan?"

"Maybe it's got spices!"

LAUGHTER

There'd be a guy on the train going,

"Goddamn, I left my spice bag behind!"

"Now my food's going to be bland."

LAUGHTER

"How am I going to get my rice yellow?"

LAUGHTER

HE LAUGHS Kids'll be all disappointed.

"Dad, did you bring the spice bag home?"

"No, son. I left the spice bag at Paddington."

"So I guess we're not having fajitas, then?"

LAUGHTER

See, everybody thought it'd be curry, but it was actually Mexican night.

Unattended luggage, though - I am using that fear to my advantage.

Now when I fly,

I don't care how many kilograms I put in my luggage.

I don't care. If that piece of paper says 20 kilograms,

I'm putting 28. And I will bring that luggage,

and I will bring it to the airport, and I will put it on the scale

in front of that easyJet whore...

LAUGHTER She's going to look at me in disgust.

She's going to go, "You knew it was only 20 kilograms,

and you put 28 kilograms in there."

"That'll be 17 hundred thousand extra pounds."

And I will go, "Screw you!" And I will take my luggage,

and I will walk over here, and I will leave it there,

unattended! Then I'm going to walk back to her and go,

"How much is that going to cost you,

to shut down this goddamn airport?"

"Screw you!"

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

It's been a real pleasure joining the show.

Have a happy night. HE LAUGHS

-Thanks, Jon.

-Mr Tom Stade!

THEY CHEER

It's time to welcome to the stage an absolute comedy superstar.

I don't need to say anything other than, please give all your love for the wonderful Mr Ed Byrne!

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Ladies and gentlemen, there's a thing I've been noticing lately,

which is children in age-inappropriate clothing.

I don't mean like a four year old in a pinstriped suit and a bowler hat,

because that would be adorable.

Last time I was here, I told you I saw this little girl at an airport.

She was about 12, 11 years old, wearing a tracksuit

with the word "gorgeous" written across the arse of it,

and I thought that was inappropriate because she was a minger.

And since then there was that documentary,

Stop Pimping Our Kids, and there was this whole thing about it.

But it's not just little girls dressing like sluts

that are the issue, or the Fisher-Pricetitutes, as I like to call them.

It's not just them. I saw a little boy recently -

let's say he was 13 - wearing a T-shirt with a quote,

I believe from 50 Cent... One of the hippity-hoppity fellas, anyway.

And this T-shirt that this 13-year-old boy was wearing in public

said "I love pussy like a fat girl love cake."

LAUGHTER

Now, this offends me in so many ways

that I would like to tell you about all of them.

Now, point one.

Point one, it's quite bad grammar.

LAUGHTER

It's "like a fat girl LOVES cake", or "like fat GIRLS love cake".

It's not "like a fat girl love cake". Get it right. Come on.

That's a minor point. It really should have been spotted

at the screen-printing process.

Point number two, I don't like the implication that fat girls are greedy,

that fat people love cake. I think it's an unfair thing to say,

just an assumption. I know I'm quite a skinny guy,

but I grew up around fat people. I come from quite a large family.

There's only five of them, but they're fat as anything you've ever seen.

So that's point two. That's a minor thing.

But point three - let's just say, for the sake of argument,

that fat girls DO love cake. Right? You're a 13-year-old boy

claiming to love pussy just as much. Cos here's the thing!

You put cake in front of a fat girl,

she's at least going to know what to do with it.

THEY APPLAUD

So that's point number three.

Point number four - again, for the sake of argument,

let's just say you do love pussy that much -

you, who 18 months ago had a favourite Power Ranger.

But let's just go with the notion!

Let's just go with the idea that you really are all about the pussy.

Why, then, for the love of Pete, would you choose to wear a T-shirt

that virtually guarantees you'll never get any? Please!

THEY LAUGH

That's... That's point number four.

But point number five is my main point, ladies and gentlemen,

and it goes back to what I was saying in point number two.

And that is that a fat girl's relationship with cake,

indeed, a fat person's relationship with food,

it's not as simple as pure love. There's a lot more going on there.

It's a far more complicated, fraught, nuanced relationship

than simple love. And if that's a relationship you,

as a 13-year-old boy, have with pussy,

you have issues you have not addressed, my young friend.

Like, sometimes you'll want pussy but you'll deny yourself pussy,

or now and then you'll have pussy and then feel really bad about yourself afterwards,

or occasionally you'll deliberately have too much pussy

in order to punish yourself because of complex issues

to do with your self-esteem! If that's how you,

as a 13-year-old boy, feel about pussy,

you're obviously gay!

LAUGHTER

You've been lovely. Thank you very much.

Good night. CHEERING

Mr Ed Byrne!

Well, how do you end a night where there's been so many comics

except with one of the best there is?

She's an amazing person. She's a wonderful comic.

Please welcome to the stage Shappi Khorsandi!

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Hello! CHEERING / APPLAUSE

Are you well, Edinburgh? AUDIENCE CHEERS

Brilliant! You're all here. I'm from London.

I feel I can't go on without mentioning the riots as well.

It's been very strange, watching them from Edinburgh.

But on the plus side, I felt that that would never happen

in Edinburgh, those riots. No-one can set fire to anything in this rain.

LAUGHTER

"Everything's damp! Sod it, I don't want a plasma TV that much."

I'm from a place called Ealing, in West London.

And like a lot of people, I was watching the riots,

and I was thinking, "We have to not vilify these young people,

and understand what it is that has made them disengage so much

from society to carry out these acts."

And then they attacked my home suburb of Ealing,

-and I was, like, "Tear gas! Get out the tear gas, you

-BLEEPs!"

It wasn't a proud moment for me.

You see, I watched the Queen open up

the Ealing Broadway shopping centre when I was about 11 years old,

so I've always felt a very special connection to the royal family.

I was a young girl, a little girl, when Diana got married,

and like a lot of mothers, my mum took me off

to the hairdresser's to get a Diana haircut.

It looked so cute on little blonde girls,

but on me, I just looked like a LEGO man.

LAUGHTER

My earliest memory of London was when I was four years old.

I was on the Underground with my mother and my five-year-old brother,

and a proper '70s punk was sat opposite us.

Shaved head, big red Mohican... We'd never seen one of them before.

And our mum went, "Ey vay!", which is Persian for "oy veh!"

LAUGHTER

Me and my brother were, like, "Oh, my God, can you see that man?"

"Can you see his hair?" And our mum went, "Shush,

because he'll hear you, and that's rude."

So I stopped talking about him, and I just stared at him.

My big brother went, "Cock-a-doodle-doooooo!"

LAUGHTER

This poor little punk! He was only 17, trying to express himself,

and he got well annoyed, right? So when he went to get off at his stop,

he roughly shouldered our mum and said, "Go home" -

to a young woman with two small children!

I'll never forget. It was so nice. Everyone on the carriage looked,

gave us little sympathetic glances and smiles,

and an old lady next to me, with such warmth and affection,

put her hand on my shoulder and said,

"Don't you ever take any notice of people like that, my darling."

"It ain't your fault you're a Paki."

Beautiful moment!

THEY LAUGH

I've got a little boy, and I'm a single mum,

and everyone kept telling me, "Look, don't have too many boyfriends."

I thought, "All right, don't judge me."

I've had one boyfriend since my husband and I split up,

at Christmas last year. Turns out some boyfriends really are just for Christmas.

And I was, like, "You will not meet my child

until we've been going out for a year,"

and I arranged for him to come round when my kid was asleep,

and he was gone before my kid woke up.

But my luck being my luck, one day they met, for the first time,

at half past three in the morning on the landing in my house,

both needing the loo, both naked.

This poor chap, in a panic, said to my little boy,

"Hello, I'm Father Christmas!"

And my little boy looked at him and said,

"Oh, but he was here last night."

LAUGHTER

Thank you very much! Good night!

APPLAUSE

Shappi Khorsandi!

That's it for the Edinburgh Comedy Festival Live. Thank you for coming.

Please make some noise for all the acts you've seen. Good night!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]