Episode 2 Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live

It's Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live 2011.

Please welcome your host, Andi Osho!

CHEERING

-Hello, everyone. Are you well?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

Oh, dear, that's good, that's good.

Welcome to Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live. I've actually...

I've loved being in Edinburgh.

I've loved being anywhere that isn't kicking off.

LAUGHTER

My God!

What is going on? It's crazy.

But you know, there's one good thing that has come out of the rioting, OK?

It's Scotland's chance to have payback for that lame joke that people do about Andrew Murray.

You know, when he's winning, he's British. When he's not winning, he's Scottish.

Alex Salmond, First Minister of Scotland, went on the news,

went on the news, and he said, "These are not UK riots."

"Oh, no, no.

"These are not UK riots.

"They're English riots."

LAUGHTER

My man, my man! I loved that. But, yeah, what's amazing as well -

I can't believe how thick some of the looters are.

Some of them are tweeting pictures of themselves with stuff they've stolen.

There is a picture on the internet

of a boy with a two kilogram bag of Tesco's own brand basmati rice.

That's right. Sticking it to the man - one tasty dish at a time.

Oh, and it's crazy. But I genuinely do,

I think you'll agree that there was no chance the rioting was going to make it across the border.

Not in Edinburgh at this time, because if somebody'd heard "There's going to be a riot!",

you'd have said "Ooh, have you got a flyer for that? What time is it on?"

And there'd be people going "Yeah, I saw the riot. Three stars. Wasn't very good.

"Couldn't get anything out of Primark."

I think that basically, I think what the problem is, is that kids have gotten a little bit feral.

This is what happened on a bus near where I live.

Bus was crawling down the bus lane, going really slowly,

and this girl who was at the back of the bus, now I'm not judging, but she was white and chavvy. Now...

LAUGHTER

She shouts out from the back of the bus, she goes, "Oi, driver!

"Hurry up, mate, some of us have got to go to court."

And I'm guessing this girl's not the judge.

Another reason I like being in Edinburgh - I'm doing a show

about dating, and after every show I'm getting someone to come on a date with me, which is amazing.

It's not as easy as I thought it was going to be.

There's been days after the show when no-one has come forward.

One day, that happened and a guy came up to me afterwards.

He said "Andi, I was going to say that I'm single, but I was a bit shy."

And a woman came up and went "Dad, just because Mum's not here, it doesn't mean you're single."

The reason I'm doing this is, it's been three years since I've had a date.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

-Don't patronise me.

But it is a long time, isn't it?

By the way, when I say three years and no dates, I'm not talking about, you know, getting drunk

with some guy and then staggering back to his, you know.

In which case, I have been dating.

Probably a little bit too much, to be perfectly honest.

But I'm worried it's going to heal up down there. Do you know what I mean?

I'll turn into a Sindy doll or something. "Oh, my God, where is it? Jesus!"

But I tried so many different ways to meet somebody.

I tried internet dating, everything.

And the problem I have with it is basically...

the men.

No, what it is, is what they write on their profiles. Like, they'll put reading down as a hobby.

To me, reading's not a hobby. That's just something you should be able to do.

You know, what are you going to put next? "I'm a big fan of eating and thinking, pick me!"

No, mate, put that you're a fan of putting up shelves and munching rug. Then I'll pick you.

Also, on the profiles, the guys want you to think that they work out and look after themselves,

so they'll put down that they like a sport, but then they'll pick a shit one like badminton.

What the hell is badminton?

It should be downgraded, right.

It is a board game at best.

I'm sorry. It is like watching two blokes trying to hit a dandelion with a sieve.

All I'm saying is, I think there'll be some tickets available for the badminton final come 2012.

Anyway, it's a perfect opportunity to get to know some of you guys.

That woman's looking away from me.

She just froze like I'm the T-Rex in Jurassic Park.

She's like "Don't move. Her vision's based on movement.

"Gosh, she's still looking. Christ!"

What's your name, darling? Louise.

All right, Louise.

What do you do, Louise? Giggle a lot.

Go on, what do you do for a living? You're a student. Any other students in?

-AUDIENCE:

-Hey!

-Oh, right. OK. Tickets aren't expensive enough.

Louise, what are you studying? Maths? You're doing a proper subject.

Great and is this your boyfriend?

-No.

-He was like, "No!"

"I like letters, not numbers."

Do you guys even know each other?

You do. All right, so you're admitting that much. How do you know each other?

Just through uni.

All right. But Louise, he has thought about it, OK?

OK. All right, well, that's enough from me. Let's get on with the show.

Please welcome to the stage the first act of the evening, Dead Cat Bounce!

Edinburgh, how are you doing?

We are Dead Cat Bounce.

It's fantastic to be here. For many of you in the front couple of rows,

this probably is the closest you've ever sat to a rock band.

And that's OK. It can be quite an intense experience, though.

People do say they find it very exciting. Women in particular say sometimes they find it very sexy.

-But if it does get too much for any of you at any point, just look at the ginger.

-That's what he's for.

I can do sexy, all right?

Well, switch on, everybody, because the next four minutes is going to be important.

# It's pretty clear They've no idea what they're doing

# But it's their wedding night

# And they're determined to get through it

# Christians in love! Rolling around like a couple of pigs in a barrel

# Christians in love! Flapping about like a couple of trout in a puddle

# Like a shithouse door in a force nine gale

# They're banging hard till their hinges fail

# With no real discernible sense of rhythm

# Like Keanu Reeves in the movie Speed

# They're scared that slowing down might lead

# To some sort of explosive cataclysm

# Taking Dennis Hopper with them

LAUGHTER

# Right now, I guess

# I guess I know what you're all thinking

# Why am I watching them? And how have they not heard me singing?

# Christians in love

# Possibly deaf or else so impressively focused

# On the task in hand that there's a four-piece band they haven't noticed

# In the en suite watching them get laid and wondering when we'll be paid

# For a wedding that's been over several hours

# But we'll stick it out as long as it takes

# Till either our resolve or the headboard breaks

# At least we've got a toilet and a shower

-Right, guys?

-Yeah!

# Yes, we'll just keep singing louder

# Hey you, where's our money?

# Hey you, where's our money?

-# Hey you, where's our money? Hey you...

-Christians in love

# Hey you, where's our money?

# Hey you, where's our money?

-# Christians in love

-Hey you, where's our money? Hey you...

# Christians in love. #

Thank you. Good night!

Ladies and gentlemen, that was Dead Cat Bounce!

You like?

Next up in tonight's amazing show,

keep the love in the room, and welcome Jason Byrne!

Ah, yes. Scotland, Edinburgh. Fantastic!

You're brilliant. You're similar to Irish people. That's great.

And it's our job as Scottish and Irish people...

Because I travel around the whole world doing gigs, and I notice

Scottish and Irish people travel around the whole world

and it's our job to inject misery into other people's cultures. That's what we do.

You know, the world would be happy if they kept us in our country

and didn't let us leave with these miserable pasty faces injecting into other cultures.

I was in Australia, on Bondi, the most beautiful place ever,

watching these Irish fellows arrive

and they'd never been to Australia in their life. Everybody smiled on the beach.

These big Paddy potato heads come out, big faces, like, "Oh, what's this crap all about, eh?"

"We'll soon ruin this culture, lads.

"Spread it about, spread it about."

And I was in this hotel in Bondi and I checked in, right, I checked in.

And I checked in and then I went to have a look around the hotel

because that's what, you know, Scottish and Irish people do.

Cos, you know, we're not like Americans.

Americans will go straight to the room and freshen up.

But not us. We want to have a look around the hotel because you paid your money, yes?

And you want to make sure the pictures match it on the internet at the hotel.

Yeah? Walking around with the family, just opening random doors.

"Come on, have a look. Have a look in here". Conference rooms.

Just open it up when there's a conference on.

"Yeah, keep going. We're just having a look. Keep going. Yeah. Good. Yeah.

"Fantastic! Amazing". There's another thing we can't do.

Scottish and Irish people cannot do this. This is brilliant.

We cannot walk by a room that's being cleaned without looking into it.

Yeah? Because we're nosy bastards.

That's what we are. Australians, Americans just walk by.

Just mind their own business. Not us. We walk by a room that's being cleaned...

LAUGHTER

"I think that room is better than ours. Is that room better than ours?"

"Get back, do another pass, do another pass!

"That bed is bigger, that bed is bigger. Get back and check it again.

"Our room is shit, right?"

And I was in this hotel, and there was a lot of Americans

in the breakfast room because it was a castle, and whenever there's a castle, there's Americans, right?

They were loving it. And they're really polite, Americans. At the breakfast table, you know.

"I'll just have one sausage and one bit of bacon, thank you, and a yoghurt, thank you."

"Ming, ming, ming." And they're all very polite, right?

But over on the side, you know, where you wait to be seated, there was a Scottish family, OK?

And it was a buffet, and their eyes were like saucers.

You've never seen the like of it.

They were warming up on the edge of the breakfast bit.

"It's a buffet, kids. It's a buffet.

"Eat everything. Eat everything. Stuff your faces.

"You will not eat till 9 o'clock."

And the best image I've seen ever in my life - and only in Scotland would you see this -

When the family left the breakfast room, the dad had a croissant in his top pocket.

LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Jason Byrne.

Thanks for supporting the whole comedy night! Keep it going.

Jason Byrne!

Keep it going, keep it going now as we bring to the stage the magician Pete Firman!

Thank you. I am a magician. You wouldn't know it

to look at me, but you can tell a lot about a person by how they use their hands.

For example, if a fellow does this, maybe he's a soldier.

If he does this, maybe he works with computers or something like that. But if he does this...

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

APPLAUSE

Must be a tosser.

LAUGHTER

It's difficult to surprise an audience with magic.

If a fellow saws a lady in half, you know what he'll do.

He'll put her back together. Well, you hope he's going to put her back together.

To be honest, any knobhead can do the first half of that trick.

It's the second half that's the difference between Vegas and Broadmoor.

I need to pick somebody from the audience. The fairest way to select someone is to turn around,

throw something over my shoulder, whoever catches it is the person that comes.

It's a random way to pick someone. So...just brace yourselves.

I'm going to whip this hard. See if I can get it upstairs.

No, I'll do it on my tod.

I'll carry on by pounding this four and a half inch nail into my face.

It's the nail in the face trick. You know this one, right?

It's fun for you and your hole...family.

It's the nail in the face.

Now, in France, they call this the "nail dans la face."

That's a titbit for any non-French speakers in tonight. Here we go.

Nail in the face. Edinburgh, here it comes.

Nail in the face. Don't try and stop me.

I'm a mad bugger. I'll do this.

I really will. Here we go.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Hey, man up. All right?

LAUGHTER

Grow a pair, because it's my face.

OK? I'll be honest, I've never tried this before. So...

If it screws up, just remember three things, 999. 999! Come on. Jokes and tricks.

Now, that's a deal, right? Don't have to charge for that.

That's all included.

Here we go. Nail in the face.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

Oh, that really hurts.

I can't see. Oh, it stings. But then again, it's a nail in my face,

so it might. Those of you towards the front, actually, you might be able to see the teeth marks in that.

That's because I bite my nails, ha ha! And tricks.

Oh, you people are in luck.

Here we go! To begin with, little taps.

To start with, just little taps, and I'll build up to the harder whacks.

It's the nail in the face. Come on, be fair.

Oh, yeah.

I should join the circus. And, of course, second to the nail in the face is the nail out of the face.

Now, in France, they call this the "nail sortie le face".

So I'm just going to use some purchase.

I'm going to get the claw section of the hammer and just get this like this. Agh! Agh!

I should mention my parents are cousins. Is that weird? Agh!

There it is. Nail out of the face. Come on!

You guys are awesome. Have a great fringe festival.

I'm Pete Firman, good night!

Mr Pete Firman there!

Looked like it stung.

-Ladies and gentlemen, shall we welcome another act to the stage?

-Yeah!

-I think so.

Let's hear a round of applause, please.

And let's welcome all the way from Canada, Phil Nichol!

-Hello. Hello, Scotland!

-Hello!

Oh, are you proud to be Scottish?

-Yes!

-Are you proud to be Scottish?

-Yeah!

-Just the women there.

I'm Scottish. I know I sound Canadian, but I was born in Scotland.

I was born in a lovely little village called Cumbernauld. Yeah.

-What's it called?

-Cumbernauld!

Look at the confused English people, "How did they know that?"

I moved to Canada when I was about four and a half years old, and I took my parents with me. They begged.

"Please don't leave us here, Phil, please!"

I was lucky to grow up in Canada, because had I grown up in Cumbernauld,

I'd be a very different comedian. I'd be a skinny wee bastard, by the way.

"Better laugh or I'll stab you in the eye, you numpty, eh?"

I live in London now. Yes, that's right.

I live in Tottenham, so I'm very pleased to be here.

Thank you very much. Actually, I live in Crouch End on the Broadway Parade.

My two favourite words, aaah!

Broadway? Parade? Never mind.

I'm really good at that, aren't I? OH! OOH!

I'm always going for castings.

I'm always being cast as a really loud American guy

or an extraordinarily gay man and I'm starting to think,

"Is it me? Is it me? Hello?"

# There's a place for us...#

Prison.

No, it's a joke.

That's what I love about the Brits. You laugh at each other. It's fantastic.

Moving to London, it's a very aggressive place but people don't actually complain to each other.

They get annoyed but keep it inside. You see a friend, "How are you?"

They go, "I'M FINE, I'M FINE! HOW ARE YOU?"

I find it happening to myself.

Recently I was caught behind these dawdling old-aged pensioners

and I was behind them going, "COME ON! COME ON!"

I thought to myself, "Surely people with the least time left should be moving the quickest?"

Know what I mean?

If they knew anything about Einstein's theory of relativity,

they'd know the closer you get to light speed, time slows down.

So stop complaining about how old you are and speed the frig up!

Yeah, sure, you're 95.

We'll get you down to 74 if you move quick enough, Grandma.

I blame the Queen. I blame her cos when you turn 100 in this country,

you get a little card saying, "Congratulations!"

That's the wrong approach. You should get a rocket backpack and some roller blades. "COME ON! SPEED UP!"

I do find myself getting annoyed in London.

It's hard not to take on the tendencies of London.

I was on a bus recently and it was full of people,

and there was a couple sitting here and they got up and left

and the guy sitting next to me got up and moved to that chair,

without leaving a note, without explaining why.

We could have made this work. We could have gone for counselling!

Know what I did?

I got up, moved and sat beside him. That's what I did.

See how he likes it. Oh, yeah.

But I didn't say anything cos I'm British

and I wouldn't want to be rude.

I flew up here. It was great. I love coming to Edinburgh.

When you've been on a plane, this is amazing,

when you leave the plane the stewardesses are so nice,

like, "Bye-bye, see you later. Bye, goodbye, see you later.

"Thank you so much. Bye, bye, see you later.

"Thank you so much. Bye, bye. Bye, bye, see you later. Oh, bye, bye.

"Bye now. Bye, bye, bye, bye. See you. See you later. Bye. Bye, bye.

"See you later. Bye, bye. Oh, bye, bye. See you later.

"Have a great day. Bye, bye. See you later. Bye, bye. Bye, bye.

"See you later."

I don't think they mean it.

You've been great. I'm Phil Nichol.

Thank you very much and enjoy your evening.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Phil Nichol.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Time now for our next act. Please welcome to the stage Terry Alderton.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hi.

-ALL:

-Hi.

People say to me, "What do you do in your spare time in Edinburgh?"

I say, "Of course, I go into hairdressers and say,

'What can you do with this?' "

And also, ladies and gentlemen, I love a live auction.

A livestock auction is one of my favourite things.

So I can watch the auctioneer and imagine a bit of drum and bass behind him.

HE IMITATES THE SPEECH OF AN AUCTIONEER

Sold lot 37. Right.

APPLAUSE

I can imagine boys at the back of the auction going, "Yeah, that is a bad sheep, though, innit?

"Check that out."

Recently, ladies and gentlemen, recently I...

HE MAKES A HISSING SOUND

APPLAUSE

..let myself down.

Ladies and gentlemen, behold the shoes.

CHEERS AND WHISTLES

AUDIENCE MEMBER WOLF WHISTLES

"Got wolf whistled."

"Just been heckled as well."

"What's wrong with you, eh?

"I said, what's wrong with you?"

"I'm sick and tired of being the left foot. All I do is prop you up all the time.

"If someone's a bad dancer they've got two of me haven't they, eh?

"You've got a film named after you."

"Where do you think this ad lib's going to go?"

"I don't know.

"I know one thing, he's trying to hold in his stomach."

APPLAUSE

"There's only one way off the stage. You know that, don't you?"

"He's going to have roll off."

"Well, ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of Terry Alderton...

"..we're pleased to be a part of this.

"So thank you very much for having us on."

"We wish you a very good night."

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen...

Terry Alderton.

OK, put your hands together, welcome Charlie Baker.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, everyone! All right?

-Having a nice time?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

Hello, I'm Charlie Baker. I'm waiting for Jack Black to die.

"He looks like him don't he?" "He looks like him."

"Thinking he looks like someone then he said Jack Black

"and I thought that's it, that's who he looks like."

It's lovely to be here in Scotland. I love being in Scotland.

I love the festival times when all the festivals are on.

Not just the comedy one. I love the jazz festival. I love jazz.

I do a bit of jazz myself. But what I hate about the jazz is this.

They'll be playing their dah, dah, buh, buh, buh.

IMITATES A SAX PLAYER

And they'll go, "On the saxophone, Jonnie Jones." Right?

-And Jonnie will stand there and get a round of applause...

-APPLAUSE

Points to the microphone like he's done it himself. You know.

And then the next song they'll be there you know, but, but, vabe, vabe, vd, vd, vd.

"On the saxophone, Jonnie Jones." We know! We know that's Jonnie.

We're fully aware that's Jonnie Jones.

You just said that two minutes ago. But also he's only at work.

The man is only at work. Why should we give him a round of applause?

No-one else gets a round of applause just for going to work.

You don't get, brr, brr, brr, brr. Hello, Johnson and Johnson.

Mr Johnson? I'll just put you through. On reception, Sarah Todd.

There she is!

I love the theatre festival, because I love theatre.

My favourite sort of theatre is amateur dramatics.

-The old amateur dramatics. Any am drams in?

-Yeah!

Just you, well done.

And this is what I love, if you want to get into show business join your local am dram, right?

But turn up and tell them you're a professional dancer.

Turn up and say, "I'm a professional dancer, yeah, professional dancer."

Cos, right, you won't have to stand at the back for 20 years

but also they might let you choreograph the show.

They might let you do the moves for the show.

And all you need to know to do the moves for an amateur dramatic show

is three moves. All you've got to know is three moves.

And I'll teach you those three moves here, now, tonight.

Woo!

Here's the first move you require. Here it is, the side sway.

Here's the next one. A little bit more difficult. Here it comes.

The box step.

And the third one, my own personal favourite. Here it is -

the knee bounce.

You see?

Now the reason they use these moves they work for any show tune,

any show tune at all. What about Luck Be A Lady? All right a bit of Guys And Dolls. Here we go.

# Luck be a lady tonight

# Luck be a lady tonight

# Luck if you've ever been a lady to begin with

# Luck be a lady tonight. #

See? Anything. Anything!

Oklahoma. Here we go. Here we go.

# Oh, what a beautiful morning

# Oh, what a beautiful day

# I've got a beautiful feeling

# Everything's going my way. #

Lovely, isn't it?

If they try them with anything but show tunes, it doesn't work.

# Bass how low can you go?

# Death row, what a brother knows

# Once again, black is the incredible

# The rhyme animal, the incredible. #

It doesn't work.

# If you like to gamble I'll tell you I'm your man

# You win some, lose some

# All the same to me

# The ace of spades... #

It doesn't work, ladies and gentlemen. It doesn't work.

Thank you very much. I'm Charlie Baker. Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Charlie Baker!

That was good, wasn't it?

It was all right.

OK.

Next up on tonight's amazing show,

please welcome the fantastic Mr Dave Fulton!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm from America, a little place called Idaho,

which doesn't sound like a real place.

It's like a woman introducing herself as a prostitute.

"Who are you?" "I-da-ho."

I like to ride motorcycles on your island here.

I appreciate it very much. I get hassled a lot.

I've this big bike I built, hardtail, American V-Twin engine.

I was riding into London one day, a sunny day,

come across Westminster Bridge in the shadow of Big Ben.

I'm digging it cos I'm a Yankee boy from Idaho in London on a bike.

I make the right onto Embankment, and suddenly there's Met Police everywhere.

Cops everywhere, stopping people.

As an American, I can't take your Police seriously,

cos you don't have any guns.

I get closer and two men cops jump out in front of me like, "You, to the side."

"All right, I'm a guest." I pull over. Shut the bike down. Take my helmet off.

Biggest cop walks up to me and the first thing he says to me,

"We are detaining you under the UK Terrorist Act."

And I'm thinking, "Wow, this beard's coming a lot then I thought it was."

I said, "How can I be a threat to your country? I'm American!

"How is this bike a threat to your country?

"Unless it's so loud it's disturbing an MP behind me in his office

"as he's trying to cook the books and keep his white ass out of jail."

He said, "No, sir, the problem is your registration plate.

Cos I had a licence plate on there from Idaho.

I went, "What's the problem with that?"

He goes, "Across the river we have a secret camera and we couldn't read the plate."

I went, "Oh, secret camera?" He goes, "Yes."

As a JOKE, I said, "Where's your secret camera?"

And I swear to God, he goes, "You see that tree right across the river?

"It's mounted on a pole next to it."

I'm like, "Good luck with the war on terror, my friend."

Anywhere else in the world would let you go. "Have a nice day.

"You don't fit the profile."

No, only in Britain - cos you love paperwork -

he wrote me a receipt for not being a terrorist.

because I bring it with me wherever I go in case I'm pulled over.

I can go, "I have my receipt. I'm not a terrorist."

I look at it. I go, "What do I do? Is there a fine, do I go to court?"

He goes, "No, look at the outcome code - you'll see what to do.

I'm go, "What outcome code?"

Then he gives me a second sheet of paper that has all these codes and numbers and letters on it.

I'm like, "All right, fine. Look it up. And I go, "Yeah, outcome code number one...

Look on here, outcome code number one.

And it reads, "No further action."

You couldn't just tell me that?!

Are you so busy?

And then I look at the other outcomes.

I see the next one is "Advised". I can always like advice.

That's fine an outcome. Yeah, fair enough.

Third one - verbal warning,

which probably involved a bit of this - "I mean it."

I'm sure that really intimidated the rioters.

"Hey stop it. I mean it". The fourth one says "Arrested".

Like you'd have to put that down as an outcome.

"Why am I being handcuffed? What's going on?"

"If you read up your outcome code..." "OK. I'm being arrested. Thank you."

He's writing this up, I'm standing there, they're pulling loads of people over.

A woman cop walks up and she goes, "Is this your motorbike?"

Don't call motorcycles "motorbikes",

cos it sounds like there's a bell and I've got a paper route.

I go, "Yeah, that's my motorcycle."

"It shouldn't be on the road." "What are you talking about? "Look.

"Registration plate is on the axle. It should be on the rear mudguard.

"There's no indicators on the back or front, there's no suspension and these pipes are too loud."

She looks at me goes, "This bike shouldn't be on the road. What do you have to say?"

Now, I'm a comedian.

And that sounded like I was being heckled and a comic's job

when they're being heckled is to come back as quickly, no matter the outcome.

Just get that phrase out there and just get the upper hand. And before I could think, I looked at her

and I went, "You're a woman and I don't think you should be a cop. What do you think of that?"

As soon as I said that, a little voice in my head went, "Oh, crap."

If I was in, America they just would have pulled the guns out and shot me

repeatedly and then went, "Stop or I'll shoot." Bang, bang.

But I'm in Britain and the time stood still. Everybody went, "Huh!"

Even guys getting arrested for terrorism,

being handcuffed into vans are looking at me going, "I'm sure glad I'm not that guy."

Before I could say anything like, "I'm just messing around. I'm an idiot, you know?

"I don't mean that. I was making anything up."

The guy writing the receipt next to me, I don't see him, I just hear this...

"Pfff."

I turn to look at him to go, "Are we cool?" He won't even look at me.

He was like, "Oh, mate, you got her good there."

And I was like, "Hey I'm just messing around, man. I'm an idiot."

Then I hear this, "Mate!"

I turn to see these big Met cops coming at me.

They start high-fiving me in the road.

They go, "That's hilarious."

She's going, "Stop!" They're like, "Susan, that was funny. Let it go."

He gives me my receipt and goes, "You better go." I go, "You think?!"

I get on the back, fire it up, I go down the road.

The last thing I see in the mirror as I pull away

is this woman still pointing at me, really angry, talking to the two big guys I high-fived.

They're trying to keep a straight face.

Because the guy who wrote me the receipt is standing behind her doing this, "Nah nah nah!"

And that's why I like living here. Enjoy the rest of your night, people. Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, there we go!

That was Dave Fulton, ladies and gentlemen.

All right, let's keep the love in the room

and welcome the next act, it's Miss Holly Walsh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hi!

Hello!

Wow, I am so pleased to be at the Edinburgh Festival.

I've had a pretty eventful year. I can tell you this.

I bought a flat. It's good news.

I live in one of those areas that's sort of, like,

quite posh in some bits and quite scuzzy the next street.

I think a lot of Britain's like this. Quite integrated.

It's the sort of place where if you see a white tent by the road,

you're not quite sure if it's a crime scene or a farmer's market.

But I bought this flat.

And my estate agent used the best sales technique anyone has ever used on me.

We went round loads of different properties. Some nice, some not so nice.

We went to this one place. It absolutely stunk of piss.

And there was an iron mark in the middle of the carpet.

And I turned to my estate agent and I said, "Wow, this place is a shithole."

And without missing a beat, he said,

"Yeah, but it could be YOUR shithole."

And I bought it.

I love it how people have an amazing attitude to life where I live.

I was on the bus the other day, this really old woman got on.

It was completely packed.

And she went straight up to this guy who was sitting down and said, "How old are you?"

And this guy was like, "Er...37."

She said, "I'm 84. Get up."

I was like, "Holy shit! she just invented human top trumps!"

He should have played about with a trump he knew he could win.

Something like, "Yeah, grandma how many of your close friends are still alive?

"This seat's mine."

So I've had an eventful year. As I said, I bought my flat. I broke my arm. I smashed my arm to bits.

I've got a metal elbow. Check that out. Look at that.

Come on, come closer. Come closer. Look at that. Look at that.

Touch it. Go on. Touch it. Lick it.

It squeaks!

I broke my arm and I couldn't do loads of stuff

cos I only had one arm for six weeks.

It turns out there's loads of stuff you rely on having two arms, obviously.

My brother used to come round and check on me every day

to see if I was OK when I was recovering.

One day he came round and said, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

I went, "Yeah, this is a bit embarrassing,

"but I'm finding it really hard to tear off loo roll."

It's really difficult to tear off loo roll with one arm.

Because you don't realise it but you use that arm to lock,

otherwise you're just like "rrrrrrr".

Honestly, my bathroom floor was like an unravelled mummy.

I said to my brother, "Could you tear me off some loo roll?

"That'd be really helpful." My brother said, "Sure, no problem.

"How much do you need?"

And I suddenly panicked.

I realised, I've never spoken out loud with anyone else

about how much loo roll I use.

I'd bet my bottom dollar that no-one here has ever spoken to anyone else.

Like, I honestly don't know if what I do is normal.

It's not like on the side of loo rolls there are serving suggestions.

LAUGHTER

So, I didn't know what to do. I absolutely panicked.

And I thought, "I've got to stay calm."

So I turned to my brother and I said, "I don't know. Just...

"tear me off however much you think I need.

And I saw my brother go through exactly the same thought processes.

And we both stood there for what felt like ages, in complete silence.

My brother broke the silence, saying the only thing he could think of which was,

"Well, what have you eaten today?"

LAUGHTER

The next day he came back with a box of Kleenex

and we never spoke of it again.

Anyway, I've been Holly Walsh. Thank you so much. Goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The fantastic Holly Walsh.

Let's keep that love in the room, let's keep that energy going.

Get the next act on stage. Please make some noise for the fantastic

Mr Mick Ferry.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Good evening.

-Hello!

All right? Just got here.

Just got out the magistrates, this morning.

Yeah, window shopping's a crime now.

I've realised now I'm coming up here

because...it's a break from the family. Erm...

A month off, it's good actually.

I miss the missus. You know, I do.

I mean, I've been with her for like, 23 years now. Not married.

Being engaged 21. So, I'm a bit of a legend, boys.

I imagine we've got loads of couples in here,

and we live in, what we call a comfortable hatred.

It doesn't mean we don't love each other.

It just means we're comfortable with hurtful feelings for each other.

We realised years ago it's not all roses, is it? Sometimes you wake up

and there's things about your partner that annoy you.

Like their face.

You do. You wake up some mornings

and you look at that face that you've loved for years,

and some mornings you just think, "I'm going to put a brick in that."

LAUGHTER

Don't do that obviously, you know.

If you're doing that you need counselling. You've got problems.

We've been at a stage, for ages - I don't know if any other couples

can do this, but can you have a row without actually saying anything?

Yeah. You know what I mean. You go to bed angry.

You've had words, but you've not actually said anything.

You've had a row, but nothing's been said.

Normally, it's that corner of the eye argument.

When you're both watching TV.

One of you is sat on the sofa and one on a chair. And it's quiet.

And then all of a sudden, this'll start...

LAUGHTER

"What the bleeding hell is she looking at?

"I don't even watch CSI."

"Look at the fat git, just sat there.

"And got the face on him, look at him."

"I know what this is about.

"I've not moved that cup.

LAUGHTER

"I'm going to really piss her off in a minute.

"I'm going to put this empty crisp packet in it."

"If he puts that crisp packet in that bleeding cup..."

That's it.

You go to bed, you've had a row. Don't even know why. It's fantastic.

What gets easy though - long term relationship -

quickie sex gets easy, doesn't it?

At the start of a relationship, quickie sex is the bloke begging.

Let's be honest. That's all it is.

"Taxi will be here in 10 minutes, can we, can we?

"Just touch it, just touch it. Please?"

Well, when you've been with somebody for a while,

you don't even plan quickie sex. You just know it is.

It's not been said.

You've not said, "Let's have a quickie."

You've gone to bed at a reasonable hour, cos you both know

you've got an early start. This hasn't been spoken about.

You both know it's going to be a quickie.

The reason you know is because something universal happens.

One pyjama leg comes off and one boobie comes out. And that's it.

That's when every couple goes, "We know what's happening here.

"Let's get this shit over and done with."

Folks, you've been lovely as always. Love doing this gig.

I've been Mick Ferry.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Mick Ferry.

CHEERING

Keep the love in the room and make some noise for Imran Yusuf!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Good evening, Edinburgh.

-Hello!

Fantastic to be back, guys.

-I've got something to share with you. I'm in love.

-Woo!

Maybe just in a little bit of love. Perhaps just a little bit smitten.

But it's a bit of a challenge being a man in love, right?

There's dangers out there. You might get rejected.

Rejection hurts a man like you don't understand.

Because men, we are tough! Right?

We'll get in a fight, get punched in the face and take it,

because we are men.

We'll go out to war, lose a limb.

But we will take it because we are men.

But when a woman rejects a man,

you've no idea the pain that does to our soul.

I go home and I cry that one out.

You have no idea of that power of rejection, ladies.

You must be careful with the power of rejection, ladies.

You must remember, with great power comes great responsibility.

I've seen it in that film, Spiderman.

He's the only bloke who could get away, running around town

in red and blue spandex, shooting women in the face

with white sticky stuff from his hands, and they love it.

But when I did it...!

You must be careful with the power of rejection, ladies.

Guys, you've got to be ready. A woman will walk into your life

and your heart will skip a beat.

Time will stop and you will think, "Wow, this is the woman

"that I want to make the centre of my entire world."

You never know when she's going to turn up. You never know.

There's no early warning system.

Nobody text's you. Nobody's going to poke you on Facebook to tell you

that woman's about to walk into your life and change everything.

You've must be ready, guys. You just might be chilling out.

On holiday, in Thailand. You meet a Swedish girl and things go well.

You're having fun on the beach and you say to her,

"Look, I've got to go back to London.

"When you come over, give me a shout, I'll show you a good time.

You go back to London.

A few months later, she's in London, unexpectedly.

You've got to change your plans to entertain her.

You take her out to the Natural History Museum,

cos they've got a good dinosaur exhibition.

Not cos it was free.

Later that evening, you take her to a gig.

She doesn't know you're a stand-up comedian.

You get up on stage, she's totally surprised.

You have a fantastic gig.

She is totally surprised and impressed.

You spend the train journey home holding hands and whispering

sweet nothings into each other's ears as you snuggle up.

That night, you say, "Stay in London, I'll take care of you."

She can't stay, she has to go home to Sweden.

Hasn't seen her family in six months. You stay in touch via email.

But that's not enough, so you write her poetry, in Swedish.

D'you know how hard it is to write poetry, in Swedish?!

How the hell do you get those two dots above the letter O?!

There isn't a button on my British keyboard

for the two dots above the letter O.

Where will I get my two dots above the letter O from?

So, I've got cut and paste it off the internet.

I cut and paste it off the internet and I paste it into my email.

When you paste it into your email, it ruins the font formatting of the entire email.

Now half my email is in Arial, black 10.

The other half's in Times New Roman, size 12, in bright blue.

It ruins the entire gesture and is the reason she says,

"Sorry, I don't feel the same. Can we still be friends?

Sarah Larson, you broke my heart. Rejection is a BITCH!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Sorry about that.

Had to get it off my chest.

But I can share with you, guys, five days ago, she sent me an email

and she says that she misses me.

So you've got to be careful with that power of rejection, ladies.

You must be careful with it. You must understand this. OK?

If you abuse the power of rejection,

if you overuse the power of rejection, ladies,

you are the guys who end up living in a house, all alone, full of cats.

And the moral of that story is, ladies,

what you deny us

is what you'll end up living with.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

IMRAN LAUGHS

Oh, yes, it's very vulgar,

oh, but it's very clever.

My name's Imran Yusuf. Peace out, God bless.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Imran Yusuf, ladies and gentlemen.

All right.

Put your hands together and welcome the fantastic Des Bishop.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you, thank you.

Ah, this is the largest crowd I've ever played to in the UK.

Very exciting for me.

I'm an Irish American, by the way.

Originally from New York, but I live in Ireland now.

But I was always Irish, really. Raised in New York.

Raised by Irish people.

Raised in the proper Irish way,

in that I was raised by ferocious alcoholics.

People always laugh there, especially in Scotland.

In America if you said that,

people wouldn't laugh, cos it's not funny.

An American crowd would be like, "My God, that's terrible. Must have been so hard for you.

"I hope you went to Al-Anon cos that can be quite wounding."

I have an American accent, I don't have to put one on.

But the point is, Scottish crowds think it's hilarious

cos half the crowd are thinking, "Is there any other way to be raised?

"I thought that was part of it.

"Mostly, your parents come home angry and every now and then they're happy

"and you begin to associate affection with the smell of chips! I thought that was part of it?"

So at 14, my parents sent me to boarding school in Ireland,

which I guess is an odd thing. Not that easy.

I guess you would think

a boarding school in Ireland, a lot of dangerous things.

Most of you'll be thinking, it would be the priests.

But no, for me, it was the things I didn't know about Irish society.

I didn't even know what nettles were.

And I remember the day that I found out.

I was playing football...badly,

in the tennis court, as you do,

trying to impress the lads and the ball went into the weeds

and I was like, "Guys, I'll get the ball, I'll get the ball.

And I thrust my hand to dislodge the ball

and I felt the sensation I had never felt before in my life.

I remember thinking, "Oh, my God, I am being electrocuted!"

LAUGHTER

And all the lads were like, "What, what?!"

And I was like, "I don't know!"

So one of them came over and said,

"It's only nettles."

You have to realise. At that stage of my life,

somebody saying to me, "It's only nettles,"

would be the same as turning to me today and saying,

"Hung, fung, pwas, and dung pwas."

I hadn't a clue what he was saying. I said, "What the hell are nettles?"

And he said, "Those things!" And I was like, "What do I do?"

And he said, "Move your hand!"

And just in conclusion, although it's a sombre thing to say.

I lost my dad to lung cancer. That's a sombre thing,

but that's OK. We all deal with these things in life.

But I will tell you, there is only one thing worse

than finding out that your father has lung cancer

and that's facing people

who know your dad has lung cancer, who want to tell you

about herbal remedies

and homeopathy and bio healing.

They are the most annoying people on the planet.

Especially when you tell them to feck off and they tell you to keep an open mind.

Like you're trying to kill your father.

Like my uncle Jack,

who couldn't stop telling me about the American Indian herb

that cured the woman down the road of cancer.

When I asked him which cancer, he didn't even know which one.

Which was funny, cos I've had testicular cancer, my mother had breast cancer

and now my father had small cell lung cancer, stage 4,

and a woman down the road has been miraculously cured of a cancer -

pick whichever you like - by the American Indian herb.

It is a miracle, Uncle Jack!

Is this the same American Indian that we took everything from?

Their land, their culture, their way of life. I'm pretty sure we didn't accidentally leave them

with the cure for cancer, Uncle Jack.

Think the profits are a little bit too high on that one,

for big pharmaceuticals to have left Pocahontas

with the cure for flipping cancer!

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. I've been Des Bishop.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Des Bishop.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There we go. Let's keep that going and welcome Rich Hall!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah. Yeah.

Look at 'em. Look at 'em.

You cheap bastards, coming here and seeing five minutes of comedy.

Yeah. You in particular.

You're not going to commit to any of these hour shows, are you?

You going to see any of these people? No, you don't want that.

You want the quick five minutes.

You're like plucking through a box of sample chocolates,

taking the creamy nougats and leaving everything else. I'm looking at you, fella,

you look like a comedy Viking. Plunderer, traitor,

pillager, looter.

Who's been your favourite act, so far?

You.

Me.

Why, because I pointed to you?

I made you feel like a human.

None of these - they don't give a shit about you.

I care about you, my friend.

I want to take you home under my wing like a chicken.

I want to raise you, as my own.

Do you have a dad?

Can I be your dad?

This is coming off a little weird isn't it? What's your name?

Dave?

Can I call you Son?

OK, Son. Where are you from, Son?

-Where?

-Edinburgh.

You've really gone out of your way for this show, haven't you?

I love Scotland, ladies and gentlemen.

Best sense of humour in the world. I will stand by that phrase.

I will stand by that statement. A lot of people, "The Irish have the best sense of humour."

Yeah, they have a good sense of humour. Scots are better.

Better sense of humour. Do you know why?

Because somebody can die in Scotland and it's funny.

Someone in Ireland dies, that's not funny.

And everyone in Ireland knows everyone else.

It's like one giant village.

I was doing a four city tour of Ireland.

That's right, there are four cities in Ireland. And I was touring them.

Big collections of fairy forts you might call them, but still they were cities.

I had the Irish Times on the train.

The biggest paper in the world. The size of a tarpaulin, friend.

Many people in Ireland live under it, it's that massive.

It's basically a roof with printing on it.

I have it stretched out across the entire train

reading the Irish Times, and this is the headline - Cork Man Drowns.

LAUGHTER

And that is why about 18 people in the front row

have the best sense of humour of anyone in Scotland,

cos they got that right away.

The rest of you, I'll just let it trickle back.

SHOUTS: Cork Man Drowns!

How is that physically possible?

The more it rains outside, the funnier that is.

You have to read the article. What if the guy's name is Bob? It was.

The guy's name was Bob.

Like a comedy, gift-handed to me on a platter.

You don't get these very often.

So, I go on stage in Limerick and I went on, showed the headlines,

Cork Man Drowns. HE LAUGHS

The crowd - "That's not funny.

"He's talking about Bob.

"Bob drowned yesterday.

"You sick bastard, what is wrong with you?"

See, there is a difference between the ability to laugh

and a sense of humour.

You understand? Scots have a sense of humour.

Americans have the ability to laugh.

Not really sure what they're laughing at.

Then you say the wrong thing and then they turn like, "Hey pal -"

"Whoa, whoa, what did he just say? Did you hear what he just said?

"You are treading on my beliefs, fella!

"You do not talk about a self-loading rifle."

"That's a belief?" "That's right, pal."

Americans don't have opinions, they have bumper stickers. Understand?

Once you've committed your bumper sticker there's no going back.

You've got a bumper sticker. What's the point? A waste of words.

"You want to think about things, pal? Look at the back of my truck.

"That'll sum up everything you need to know about me."

"What?"

And then you're walking around the car park,

"Don't even know what his car looks like.

"Here's a truck. Is this it?

"Jesus is my airbag. Yip."

LAUGHTER

"Jesus is your airbag?" "That's right pal. Any more questions?"

"No, that settles everything.

"Is Moses your meat thermometer?

"I don't know what you're talking about."

Americans celebrate everything on the back of their cars.

I've seen a bumper sticker, often it says, "I'm proud of my gay son."

Yeah, kind of raises more questions than it answers doesn't it?

"Why, did he win a contest? I don't understand why..."

Obviously, if you're gay, be proud of it. Tell the world.

But when your dad is driving around going, "I'm proud of my gay son,"

It sounds like he's taking credit for the whole thing.

"Taught that son of a bitch everything he knows about being gay.

"Yes, siree, couldn't afford piano lessons.

"I said, son, "You'll be good at something. You'll be good at being gay.

"He took to it like a duck to water."

Duck, of course, being my son and water being cock.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Rich Hall!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So ladies and gentlemen, that is the end of tonight's show.

Give it up for the acts you've seen tonight. I've been Andi Osho.

Goodnight!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Email [email protected]