Episode 1 Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live

'Please, welcome your host - Seann Walsh.'

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you! Thank you!

Hello, Edinburgh.

AUDIENCE: Hello!

Hello and welcome to Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live!

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

Fantastic. It's lovely to be here.

It's been a year since I've been here.

Not much has changed. My hair's longer.

I'm increasingly getting mistaken for a woman.

From behind, obviously.

I've been offered a drink. Stood at the bar, like that.

Can I trouble you for a drink?

I'll have a Kronenbourg, mate. Nice one.

They're friendly in here. We'll come back here.

I have to take it easy. I binge-drink. That's my problem.

I've ended up in some horrible states.

Being sick, sick in the toilet.

Can't make it to bed after being sick in the toilet.

You know that state? Hugging the toilet.

Thinking, "I am so comfortable.

"Why don't they advertise this on DFS adverts?

"I've never been so comfortable." Lying there...

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

HE SPITS

Bath mat as a duvet.

It's not covering the feet so you grab the toilet mat.

What's that mat for?

It's just there to absorb male urine.

You need to find where to put your head. That's important.

Normally, I can't sleep with less than three pillows.

I can't sleep on a train, I can't sleep on a plane.

Now I'm hugging a toilet, that dark bit behind the bowl

that's never properly been cleaned looks lovely.

Oh, I could lie here for ever.

Your friends try and look after you. It depends what gender you are.

Ladies, girls, you look after one another.

You are more caring, more considerate.

I have seen it at house parties.

A girl starts being sick,

you storm in there like it's a military operation.

Are you all right, babes? Are you all right, babes?

Get your hair out of your face. Get your hair out of your face.

You look gorgeous, babes. You look beautiful. You look beautiful.

You look stunning. We are going to get you some water.

Do you want some water? We'll get you some water.

Go and get her some water! Get some water.

She'll be all right once she's had some water. Where is your bag?

Don't worry. We'll find your bag. Where is her bag?!

Find her bag quickly! Go and find it. We've got your bag coming.

Very protective. Guys aren't allowed to see what's happening.

If a guy walks past, looks through the toilet door,

what's going on here? Nothing! Nothing to be seen here. Go on!

No-one's laughing at you, babes. No-one is laughing.

No-one's laughing at you. We've got your water coming. What's that?!

Egg cup?

It couldn't re-hydrate a mouse.

We've got a nice big egg cup of water. There you go.

Get that down you. Don't worry about him. He's an arsehole!

Don't worry about him. We are going to get you home and get you changed.

Changing each other in bed!

Have you seen this?

Men aren't as caring and considerate.

You see a bloke, a good friend of yours being sick in the toilet.

The most you will do is look at him and go, "Are you all right, mate?"

It doesn't matter what his reaction is.

You'll turn to your other friend and say, "Film it!"

Ladies and gentlemen, you have been a fantastic audience.

Are you ready for your first act?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.

We're going to start off with one of Australia's biggest comedians.

Please go wild for Adam Hills.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, Edinburgh.

This is my 15th time at the festival

and for the first time this year, I have felt like a local.

Because I found myself walking across North Bridge uttering the words,

"Bloody tourists!"

Thank you.

I love it here. I feel like this is my second home.

I was in Australia last year

and I wandered into a second-hand bookstore and I found this.

I found a book called Picturesque Notes On Edinburgh.

Written by Robert Louis Stevenson.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Whoo!

Exactly.

I bought it. It's 35 Australian dollars so that's £2.60.

LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Robert Louis Stevenson

Picturesque Notes On Edinburgh - introduction.

"The ancient and famous metropolis of the North sits overlooking

"a windy estuary from the slope and summit of three hills.

"No situation could be more commanding for the head city of a kingdom,

"none better chosen for noble prospects.

"But Edinburgh pays cruelly for her high seat in one of the vilest climates under heaven."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, there's more.

"The weather is raw and boisterous in winter, shifty and ungenial in summer

"and a downright meteorological purgatory in the spring."

"The delicate die early."

"And I, as a survivor, among bleak winds and plumping rain

"have been sometimes tempted to envy them their fate."

It goes on. I haven't even got off the second page yet.

It completely disses it.

It talks about how Venice, Venice is wonderful

because people that visit Venice view it as they would a lover.

"Indeed, even by her kindest friends,

"Edinburgh is not considered in a similar sense.

"People like Edinburgh for many reasons,

"not any one of which is satisfactory in itself."

"Her attraction is romantic in the narrowest meaning of the term.

"Beautiful as she is, she is not so much beautiful as interesting.

"And what is the deal with the freaking trams?!"

HE MOUTHS

OK, I'll be honest. I made that last bit up.

It goes on like this for an entire chapter.

The end of which there is a bit note which was written after it was published.

It says this - "These sentences have,

"I hear, given offence in my native town

"and a proportionable pleasure to our rivals of Glasgow."

"To the Glasgow people, I would say only one word, but that is of gold.

"I have not yet written a book about Glasgow."

Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a pleasure talking to you.

Enjoy your night.

Good night, Edinburgh!

Adam Hills!

Give it up for the most charming man in comedy - Charlie Baker!

APPLAUSE

Good evening. Everyone all right?

CHEERING

Let's get one thing out of the way. What a lovely looking man!

What a smashing looking man!

Some of you thinking... HE RETCHES

I've not always been so robust.

When I was born, a very sad story, when I was born,

they told my mum and dad I might not live until the morning.

Nothing wrong with me, just really annoying.

Came out jazz hands, high kicks, the lot!

It's a sad start.

What my parents set about doing was filling me with love, confidence.

Any confident people in?

There never are. It's a not a good thing.

If you have low self esteem, you think everybody hates you.

If you have high self esteem, everybody hates you.

It's not a good thing to have. They set about filling me with food.

I don't know if you know this about Devonshire women -

they can lactate clotted cream at any point.

There's jam in the other.

They can bring up a pasty. HE CHOKES

Like a penguin with fish.

It's very good. They filled me with love.

A lovely Devonshire upbringing.

I had to find my danger wherever I could.

I used to find it in the play parks. I've got a five-year-old son.

I take him to the play park now. There's no danger there!

When I was growing up, the slide would be like 40 foot high,

made of rust and razor blades.

You'd slide off the bottom for 40 foot on your arse.

The roundabout would be made of daggers.

Glass all over the floor and you'd ring the council and go,

"There's glass all over the floor", and they'd go, "That ain't glass.

"That's just big sand."

It's rubber all over the floor now.

Any rubber on the floor

when I was growing up had a knot in the end of it.

It's no good... There's no danger.

It wasn't a good day at the park

unless you came home with a bit of bone showing.

You can see my elbow. Look at it!

If you have a bone showing in a park now, you get put on a register.

There's no danger any more. He's never picked a scab.

He's never had scabs on his elbows and knees.

He's never picked a scab and ate it. It's a dying craft.

You've all done it.

I was a weird child. I was a middle child.

I like to say I was a middle child

but with the social skills of an only.

Not a good combination.

Apparently, when I was five... I had a very pushy, stage-y mum.

I don't know if you've seen Black Swan.

I'm more force-fed foie-gras goose.

When I was five, I apparently asked to do tap-dancing.

This isn't a good thing for a man to do. Don't learn tap-dancing.

If you see a man salsa-dancing, you think, "Hey! I bet he's good in bed."

If you see a man tap-dancing, you think, "Hey!

"I bet he lives with his mum."

It's not a good thing. There are two sorts of tap-dancing.

I'll show you the two. This is American rhythm tap.

There it is, American tap.

Look at me. Full of oppression. Stamping it out.

Arrogant, from the balls, oh, sexy.

Then, British tap, all it's done is cross the Atlantic.

And somehow become this.

APPLAUSE

Don't clap. That's how it starts. My nan going, "Very good. Do it again."

Thanks for coming. I'm Charlie Baker. Good night.

APPLAUSE

Charlie Baker!

Next up, please welcome Russell Kane.

CHEERING

Hello. Lovely Edinburgh. This is my family.

This is my girlfriend. I'm here for the first time ever with no girlfriend,

no partner, living on my own in Edinburgh.

Hey! So who have I been hanging out with? My mum for the whole festival.

I can't explain the exquisite pleasure of seeing my mum

do her first Jager Bomb. It blew my freaking mind.

But something amazing has happened. My dad pegged it years ago.

I just kept him alive for comedy purposes to add some artificial

pathos to my middle-brow meanderings.

"He's self-deprecating."

What I did was... You know, there are two types of women.

There are some women who go, "My husband's dead.

"I'll stay indoors and go grey."

Then there is the survivor. My mum's like me with a perm.

She's like a Pepperami with a perm.

Full of energy. "Let's make lists till were miserable.

"Let's overanalyse everything until we cry." We are the same.

She survived. My dad's been dead nearly eight years. She's moved on.

Those of you of my sort of age will know what it's like

if your mum is 50 and she gets a... I can't even say it.

I've told this story before and I say, "My mum's got boyf...

"She's got a boyfriend." Stop putting your willy in my mum, please!

Anyway... HE RETCHES

It should just fall off after a certain age.

There should be a Ken hump.

That's all there should be there.

She's happy and Danny from Woodford is lovely. He's the opposite of my dad.

He used to smash up the house if he could not find his car keys.

Danny goes, "Oh, well. It's only car keys. Let's get a taxi."

He's one of those men.

We went out clubbing recently, the three of us. Orcs or what!

More Orcs than the Lord Of The Rings Trilogy.

"Oh, my God. He's using our language. Random!"

IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: I don't know what you're talkin' aboot!

Get on with the story!

My mum has got a brilliant use of language. Water is never spilt.

It's drenched, it's a deluge.

When her phone fell into the canal, she described it as,

"slipping into the black abyss."

Even her mistakes are elegant. Watching The Voice.

"My favourite - Will-one-am, love him."

Love her. But she came out with her all-time classic mixed with her worrying jealousy.

We were out clubbing and we were all dancing

and there were girls everywhere.

It's amazing that anyone realises I'm straight,

let alone any female would find me attractive.

I'm happy to absorb their misguided attention

if they want to lavish it upon me. The girls were trying to get my attention by doing

that dance that I call mild stroke.

Just call it vitamin D deficiency. It doesn't make me want to bone you.

I want to help you by giving you Wellwoman vitamins or something.

We are all looking at the girl and I say,

"Look at all those girls, Danny."

And he comes out with this... It was like a well-trained dog that had forgotten itself.

When a dog that's well-trained goes, "I'm having a great game indoors.

"I just pissed up the telly. I don't know why I did that."

I went, "Look at all those girls,"

and Danny said, "Yeah, let me know if you need a hand with that."

Just as the dance music dropped out, my mum has heard it.

My mum, she might be five feet three,

but she's like a crystal of anger.

She's turned on Danny. You've got to think of your favourite villain.

Your favourite gangster Joe Pesci, Robert De Niro, whoever.

Mine is Ben Kingsley as Don Logan in Sexy Beast.

My mum has done a full slow head turn on him like this.

She came out with one of the best things I've ever heard.

Danny has gone, "Let me know if you need a hand with that."

And she said, "How are you going to do that, Dan, with no eyes and stumps?"

Thank you very much. Good night.

Russell Kane!

I've worked with this next woman loads of times. I love her.

I know you're going to love her. Please welcome Sara Pascoe!

Hello. Good evening.

It's so nice to be here in Edinburgh and it's so nice doing comedy at all.

Stand-up has completely changed my life for the better.

I used to be a regular drunk woman and now,

I don't need to shout at strangers any more.

I've got amplification.

I don't piss in the street any more.

I can wait until I'm in the privacy of my own taxi.

If I want to hate myself in the morning,

I don't need to go to bed with one of you.

I can just end this bit without a punchline.

That'll do it.

The drinking thing is quite interesting.

I read the study that Boston University did about happiness.

They said that the happiest people drank no more

than three glasses of wine a day.

What?

I spill more wine than that a day.

Who are these underdrinkers and why do they have nothing to forget?

I don't think it's a fair study because I think that

alcohol reacts differently with different people.

For some people, wine makes them giggly, some people,

it makes you sleepy.

It makes me do shots.

That's genetics.

Because I don't want to have to change my behaviour, instead,

I've decided to feel sorry for these happy people

because they are not going to get any of the adventures.

They'll never go night swimming,

they'll never be sick on themselves without noticing.

They'll never do the walk of shame, going home in last night's clothes.

They'll never do the queue of shame, waiting for Greggs to open.

They'll never do the look of shame, A double-take in the mirror

when I THOUGHT I saw my mother.

I try not to look in the mirror very often

because I do not want to care what I look like.

It's so impossible because there is all this focus

on women's appearances especially in Essex where I come from.

Grooming has gone too far.

Jodie Marsh has crossed the line from fake tanning into blacking-up.

That is now offensive.

I don't understand the false eyelashes thing.

If I want my face to be hairier, I just don't pluck my chin.

I believe that men and women, we're the same.

We are remembered for our achievements,

not what we looked like while we were doing stuff.

Florence Nightingale, she invented nursing.

Who cares if she had a muffin top?

Marie Curie, she discovered radium and polonium.

Who cares if she glowed in the dark?

Ladies, we can waste all this energy hating ourselves

when we should just be concentrating on our work like men do.

They are not worrying about cellulite.

They're too busy getting paid more

in every single career where you don't have to take your clothes off.

APPLAUSE

Thanks!

It's been so lovely to see you. My name's Sara. Good night.

APPLAUSE

Sara Pascoe!

And next, a very funny man, I know you're going to love him.

Please welcome James Acaster.

Thank you.

LAUGHTER

Cheers. Good to see you all.

So, I drove past a field full of cows recently.

And all the cows were lying down,

apart from one cow which was standing up.

Later on that day...

It did rain.

LAUGHTER

I bet they never let her forget it.

LAUGHTER

Hopefully you all know the thing about the cows.

LAUGHTER

If you don't, I'll explain it.

Basically, there's a rumour going round...

That the cows can predict the weather.

If it's going to be sunny, they stand-up.

If it's going to rain, they lie down.

Granted, beyond those two types of weather,

cows appear to have very little idea what's going on.

It doesn't mean they can't predict other types of weather, just, that if you are a cow,

there's limited ways you can express yourself.

You've got two settings if you're a cow - you're standing up or you're lying down.

You can't throw a lot of shapes.

LAUGHTER

And, it's only British cows that can do this.

I was talking to my friend Peter, from Denmark, I told him

about the cows in Britain.

He said it was stupid.

Laughed in my face.

He said in Denmark, people believe cows can let us

know what way the wind's blowing.

If a cow faces this way. Then the wind is also blowing this way.

I said, "Maybe you're right, Peter.

Maybe it is pretty stupid of us British

to look to cows to let us know what's happening in the future.

But I would argue it's a little bit more stupid to look to cows

to let you know what's happening in the present.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I think it's great we still believe in that kind of stuff.

But my favourite one's the Loch Ness Monster.

Love it.

Yeah, most people who've seen the Loch Ness Monster,

they describe it as looking like an up-turned boat.

LAUGHTER

It does sound like they might have seen...

one of them up-turned boats.

LAUGHTER

If you want to convince me you saw the Loch Ness Monster,

probably best not to describe it as something else commonly found in a loch.

LAUGHTER

My favourite Loch Ness Monster sighting was by a couple

called Mr and Mrs Spicer.

They claim they were driving home late at night and they had to

stop their car to allow the Loch Ness Monster to cross the road.

LAUGHTER

That's their story.

Could have seen two people carrying a boat, we don't know.

LAUGHTER

I'm aware they made that up, I know it's a lie.

That easily makes them my favourite couple that have ever existed.

Looking around tonight, there's loads of couples in,

I'm sure you're very much in love, but in my opinion,

you're never fully in love until one of you can turn to the other and go,

"Do you want to do a Loch Ness Monster hoax?"

LAUGHTER

"I was just about to ask you the same thing."

"What do you want to go with, up-turned boat?"

"Screw that - crossing the road."

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

"I love you so much."

"Do you want to go and do it right now?"

"Or do you want to wait until we finish these crop circles?"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

You've been a lot of fun. I'll see you later, bye. Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

James Acaster.

Now, he's huge in Ireland, please go mad for Des Bishop.

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

I am, uh, I'm struggling with getting older.

I'm 36.

I'm not married, I've no kids. But here's the real evidence.

I'm going to rat myself out.

This is how I know I'm struggling with getting old.

I've dyed my hair.

Yes, women hate that.

They're like, "What are you doing dying your hair? Going grey is sexy.

"Silver Fox. Look at George Clooney."

They're always mentioning George Clooney.

They never mention Alistair Darling. Do you notice that?

LAUGHTER

White hair on top, but his eyebrows are on a protest.

"Hell, no, we won't go."

His eyebrows, it's like he saw a ghost with sunglasses on.

I don't know what's going on with that guy's hair.

Either that or he's so Scottish, he's like, "I'll just do the eyebrows

"and wear a hat, I'll save loads of money, it'll be fine".

LAUGHTER

Oh, God forgive me, in your own country, oh!

LAUGHTER

Yeah. I, I dyed it.

Women can't identify with the stress of dying your hair as a man

because you can dye your hair. You don't have to hide it.

You even dye your hair like that auburn-purple colour.

Which, I think looks great, but no human has ever produced it naturally

so we know you're dying it and you don't care that we know,

that's why your hair colour products have positive names

like Clairol Nice 'N' Easy.

L'Oreal Preference. You walk into the chemist, they're in your face.

Men's hair colour, shhhhh.

(Just For Men).

LAUGHTER

Don't tell anyone. It's a big secret. It's like a gay sauna.

Go round the back, lads.

Nothing wrong in what you're doing but don't let anyone know you're doing it.

LAUGHTER

You have to hide it. I had a one night stand recently.

I felt terrible. I had this moral dilemma.

I was with this girl, we had a nice time,

but then after the fact I felt guilty, I thought, "Oh my God,

"I haven't told her the information".

That's not fair, she might have got involved under false pretences

and I think you owe that to a 20-year-old.

They need to know.

I said, "Listen, I've used Just For Men".

She attacked me. She was like, "I can't believe, how...

"How can you use Just For Men?" I thought, "How can I use Just For Men?"

I had to push her to the side

and say, "How could you leave this fake tan all over my freshly white sheets?"

LAUGHTER

"Like the Shroud Of Turin, how could you do it?

"I knew you weren't orange, but you look amazing. You look amazing."

LAUGHTER

It's horrible.

Do you know that when they killed Osama Bin Laden, they found

Just For Men in his lair?

And this is a fact. I haven't made it up for a joke.

I read it in the New York Times.

And this will tell you how negative people's attitude

to Just For Men is.

They wrote that story as if to say,

"Oh, you think Osama Bin Laden's a bad man for killing 3,000 people?

"Check this out!"

LAUGHTER

"He used Just For Men."

And then I thought about

the young Al-Qaeda operative. "I have a meeting with Osama,

"what will be my mission?"

And Osama's like, "Mohammed, go to Abbottabad and get me

"two boxes of Natural Black Just For Men."

LAUGHTER

"One for my beard, one for my head."

At what stage of that

journey do you not question your commitment to the jihad?

LAUGHTER

How can you follow that guy?

It's important to know, in the Arab world it's not called

Just For Men, it's called Unjust For Women.

Just so you know. LAUGHTER

And for all those men,

terrorists and me in Dublin, buying Just For Men for myself,

there are five shades. Five shades for everybody.

There are seven shades of red alone in female hair colour products.

Seven shades of red.

Why do you need seven shades of a colour most people pray

their children will not be born with?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So I can looking like an idiot for too long in the wrong aisle.

Thank you very much, I've been Des Bishop. Have a good night, thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Des Bishop!

I do like a drink. I've been good this week.

I behaved.

Wanted to sort my life out. You have that?

You have a good week. "This week I'm going to sort my life out."

"This week I'm going to stay in, sort out my life."

All this really means is, "I'm going to clean my bedroom."

LAUGHTER

I know what I do. I get back,

sometimes I get back late at night, drunk.

I think this time, this time I'm going to get up. You know that?

This time I'm going to escape the hangover.

Going to set the alarm on my phone.

-SLURRED:

-I've been working today, I've been working today.

So I'm going to sort it. It's all right.

I know last time I didn't get up.

Last time I didn't have a glass of water, did I?

LAUGHTER

This time I'm going to set the alarm on my phone and I'm not,

I'm not, I'm not going to get into bed with it.

No, no, no. This is the clever bit...

I'm going to put the phone the other side of the room.

HE LAUGHS

Deal with that, morning me!

Because then when I wake up, I'll have to get out of bed.

And I'll have two walk all of two and a half metres.

And by that time I'm going to be so awake.

This has never happened, has it?

No one's got out of bed, gone, "Oh, God... Ready for the day.

"Let's go...

"Coffees and croissants for everyone!"

LAUGHTER

I press the snooze button. First thing I do, snooze button, straight away. Nine minutes.

Who came up with nine minutes?

Who thought this was the perfect snooze?

"Ten minutes? No, that's a lie in!"

LAUGHTER

"Eight? That's not enough. Nine? The perfect snooze." Why do we do this?

This nine minutes. Has anyone ever felt better after the nine minutes?

Someone going into work. "Hey, guys, I'm in a good mood today.

"I've had an extra nine minutes sleep. Wooooh!"

All I do after the nine minutes is press it again.

The longest I've pressed the snooze button is four hours.

LAUGHTER

It's not proper sleep, is it?

You don't go back to sleep in that nine minutes.

No, you basically just lie in your own bed having a panic attack.

"It's going to go off any second now. I feel it, It's going to go off, it's going to...

"Any second now, it's going to go off." Sometimes you even check.

"Two minutes left. Two minutes left. I know it's going to go off."

APPLAUSE

These alarms don't work, do they? The smoke alarm.

The smoke alarm overdoes it, doesn't it? EEEEEHHHH.

For some toast, really?

LAUGHTER

The panic that ensues after the smoke alarm's gone off. Too much!

People lose their minds. Open a window, open a window. Quickly!

Open the door, open the door. Start trying to physically push out smoke.

You look insane. Come on, come on. Quickly. Quicker. Tea towel.

Where's the tea towel. Have you got a tea towel?

Where's the tea towel? What is it with the tea towel?

Who's ever seen the Fire Brigade turn up. "We've got this."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, this next guy I've worked with many times. I love him.

He makes me laugh more than anyone. Please welcome, Paul Chowdhry.

APPLAUSE

What's happening, white people?

CHEERING

Any Scottish people in tonight?

CHEERING

I love Scottish people.

Very close family community. Very community driven society in Scotland.

It's like Indian people.

I went to India recently to get some Scottish whisky for my dad.

LAUGHTER

And they don't import the whisky from Scotland. They imitate it.

So I said to this guy, "Is this Scottish whisky?

He said, "It is Scot-ish."

LAUGHTER

"Scot-ish."

LAUGHTER

Meat has become so cheap now.

Kebabs, so cheap.

You think kebabs are so cheap, no-one's going to want to steal it.

But in Glasgow...

Thieves stole £70 worth of kebab meat.

That's an entire doner kebab...

was dragged through the streets, covered in shit.

And then they stole it.

LAUGHTER

But they didn't touch the salad.

LAUGHTER

"Paul, get the salad." "I'm not freakin' gay!"

LAUGHTER

So, we had the Olympics. 29 gold medals.

29 gold medals.

The Kenyan's, they won... A lot of them weren't even taking part.

Some woman went out to get a pint of milk.

LAUGHTER

"Every time I go and buy a pint of milk somebody gives me a gold medal."

LAUGHTER

"I went to see my friend, I got a silver and a bronze."

LAUGHTER

Now we've got the Paralympics.

I was chosen to perform for Paralympic GB.

I was very nervous cos I wasn't sure whether I'd get

a good parking space.

LAUGHTER

I got one.

LAUGHTER

So they finally caught Saif Gaddafi,

Colonel Gaddafi's son.

Because they found him, they cut his hand off.

Bin Laden's right-hand man, they cut his leg off.

In the Middle East all these terrorists have parts of their body missing.

I want to play the Middle Eastern version of Guess Who?

LAUGHTER

Has he got legs? No.

LAUGHTER

Has he got arms? Yes.

LAUGHTER

Has he got eyes? No. Is it Fatima?

Yeah, that's the bitch.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Thanks for being a great crowd.

APPLAUSE

Paul Chowdhry!

It is an honour for me to bring out the next guy.

He's a gentleman, he's brilliant. Please welcome Simon Evans.

APPLAUSE

Good evening. Folks. How are you, are you well?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

Marvellous. Olympic fortnight as Paul was referencing there

and I just want to take this opportunity addressing,

as I am, a large, and largely Scottish audience to say

thank you so much to the people of Scotland

for your huge contribution to the medal haul which Team GB achieved.

Apparently, I was reading one of these articles

they write in the paper, one of these sort of hypothetical scenarios.

They were saying that if Scotland were a country...

LAUGHTER

I know, bear with me.

Apparently your medal haul would have been somewhere between Germany

and Yorkshire, or something like that.

But, no, it was very impressive, it really was, marvellous.

And I realise of course, Scotland is an entirely independent country.

It's very much on the agenda now

and many high-profile supporters. Sean Connery for one

and he should know because he lives in the Bahamas.

LAUGHTER

Which has been independent from Britain for a long time now

and is lovely and warm and sunny as a result.

So...

I assure you, if you do achieve independence,

I shall be the first to toast your success with a fine Indian scotch.

But...

LAUGHTER

It did put sports events in a different light, the Olympics.

It cast a bad light on football.

On Premiership football in the UK, I think. I have always granted this.

I say football serves a valuable purpose.

Without doubt, it draws the poison from the High Street.

LAUGHTER

On a Saturday afternoon.

Honest, decent citizens are able to go about their business

knowing that the underclass have been lured into some vast keeping pen.

On the outskirts of town.

Where they are encouraged to focus their hatred and tribal aggression

on one another for a couple of hours and leave the rest of us in peace.

It's extraordinary. You put half of them in different coloured shirts

and they go at each other, like budgerigars and mirrors. Fantastic. APPLAUSE

I was taken to a match recently.

Chelsea FC in the south-west of London.

A huge stadium full of grown men, all dressed in replica kit, the names of their favourite players on the back.

Very much as my son will wear a Spiderman outfit when he goes to see a movie about him.

I went dressed as a grown-up.

In a nice three-piece Norfolk tweed.

Apparently I was the one in fancy dress, judging by the way they were pointing at me.

And they were led out by John Terry, of course.

He was standing trial at that time and was no longer England captain

because he was awaiting trial for allegedly calling another player on the field of play

in the BBC Three version and effing black C word.

The irony is out of that self-censored remark, the only word at issue was the word black.

The rest was fine, apparently.

I've never liked John Terry,

for many of the same reasons I don't like skiing.

Strikes me as vulgar, waste of money, likely to break your legs

and his eyes are too close together.

I'll leave you on that crossword clue. Thank you very much.

Have a wonderful festival. APPLAUSE

Simon Evans. Yes.

Brilliant.

Go crazy, go wild for the fantastic Rob Beckett.

APPLAUSE

-Hello. We all right? AUDIENCE:

-Yes.

Good. I'm Rob. I'm working class. Any working class in?

-Yeah.

-Middle-class?

-Yeah.

It's confusing, class, if you're not sure you can do a little test to see if you're working class.

You're normally working class if your television is bigger than your bookcase.

That's how it works. So you have a 50 inch plasma on the wall

and then a bookcase from IKEA next to it, with DVDs on it normally.

Sometimes books. Books like, Oi, I Know The Kray Twins, You Mug. Stuff like that.

Or a copy of Da Vinci Code when your mum got a bit cocky.

"I will read it. All the girls have been talking about it."

"No, you won't." The girls are her mates. I don't know why she calls them the girls.

There's five of them, combined age of 298.

The first time I ever properly knew I was working class, I remember

reading an interview with this posh bloke, asked what his hobbies were.

He put down rowing. I read it as "rah-wing".

I was like, "He loves kicking off, this bloke, doesn't he? He's telling the paper, I like a tear-up."

Steve Redgrave as well, you wouldn't have thought it, would you?

My mum didn't have big expectations for me and my four brothers. Russ, Darren, Joe and Dan.

She gave us names she said that we could live up to.

You can't be called Sebastian and be a plumber.

It don't work. You wouldn't trust it. Imagine ringing up and going, "Can I have a plumber?"

"Sebastian will be with you in the morning."

"Sebastian?! I want a plumber, not the managing director.

"It's not Undercover Bosses, I've got a leak."

Sebastian's got to work all day with someone.

If he's in the van with Terry, they're not going to get on.

Terry is there. "Who's the U bend for? Who needs it?"

"It's whom, Terry." "Shut up, Sebastian."

"I'm sick of it, mate. Peppermint tea in the caff. What are you thinking?"

My girlfriend gets a bit embarrassed about me as well because I've got a very middle-class girlfriend.

She used to be upper-class but we're together now.

Her sister's got a boyfriend called Rupert.

Rupert. As in the name.

I'm not having a go, it's a decent name. I just never thought I'd meet one.

The thing is, the difference between my girlfriend's family and my family is so apparent.

In my house, on a Saturday night, we'll watch telly,

You've Been Framed, eating dinner off our laps.

Bit of a chavvy way to have your dinner. But we like it.

You go round my girlfriend's house, they sit in the conservatory,

there's a table big enough for everyone, they have wine, talk about politics

and I started thinking, "This is how we're supposed to do dinner. It's nice."

After ten minutes, I realise, I haven't got an opinion and I'd quite like to see a dog fall in a puddle.

I've been Rob Beckett. Be lucky. See you soon. Cheers. Bye.

APPLAUSE

Rob Beckett. Yes.

Up next, a very good friend of mine. She's been smashing Edinburgh.

-I know you're going to love her. Please welcome Suzi Ruffell.

-APPLAUSE

Good evening, Edinburgh. How are we doing? Are we well?

Give me a cheer if you're drinking tonight. CHEERS

I've been drinking too much at the festival. I've woken up too many times at this festival like this.

"Oh, God. Oh, God, this is it. This might be how I go.

"My tombstone might actually say Suzi Ruffell, Jagered to death."

My next thought when I'm that hungover, anxiety is off the charts

because I'm worried about what happened the night before. And do you know how I find out what happened?

Online banking. Let's find out what happened last night.

I've spent £106 in a Wetherspoon's.

How did I spend £106 in a Wetherspoon's?

Do I now own a Wetherspoon's?

We're drawing to the end of the festival now. I'm kind of ready to go home. I'm getting a bit homesick.

I'm looking forward to having a week at home with my mum and dad. I had to go home recently.

My dad rang me up in the middle of the night, he said,

"You've got to get home as quickly as you possibly can. Your nan has had a fall." I thought the worst.

I got down there as quickly as I could. When I got there, she was in the hospital.

I walked in, there she was.

She was blue, bruised, she looked horrendous. I walked in, she opened her eyes and she recognised me.

And then she beckoned me towards her.

I thought, "My nan is about to impart some sort of wisdom on me.

"She's about to tell me what 80 years on this Earth has taught her."

She took off her air mask and said,

"See that woman over there?

"See how she's got a really long neck?

"The whole of her family are like that."

And then she put her mask back on. It was like, "Nurse, she is gossiping. I think she's ready to go home."

She was in her 80s, that was all she was really living for.

Not long before she died, me and my cousins were around her bed and she was in and out of consciousness.

None of us knew what to do until my cousin Holly had the best idea.

She leant in and went, "Nan, Nan, guess who's got fat."

Boom. She stayed with us for another two weeks.

Incredible. Her last words were quite special.

She looked my dad square the eyes and said, "Tell that nurse she needs a bra."

If you need any more convincing that old people don't care any more,

go to your local leisure centre.

There will always be one old lady in there completely naked, no matter what time of the day it is.

I'm starting to think she lives inside a locker and waits for people. "Hello, here I am!"

She'll have a bush that rivals Kew Gardens, just massive. She'll keep things in there.

She'll have a pound for her locker, her swimming costume, she'll get out of it.

She was on her way to an aqua aerobics class.

I'd never been to an aqua aerobics class,

but if you haven't been,

what it is is old ladies slow motion dancing, immersed in water.

At my gym, they thought they would couple this

with hard house dance music.

The music they put on was something like, mm-tsh, mm-tsh, mm-tsh, mm-tsh, mm-tsh, mm-tsh.

And just old ladies doing this.

It was like a rave scene from Cocoon. They were moving so slowly,

if you had swapped water for formaldehyde, put it in the Tate,

everyone would have thought it was Damien Hirst.

It was a piece of art, a genuinely was.

You have been delightful. My name is Suzi Ruffell. Thank you. Good night.

APPLAUSE

Suzi Ruffell.

This next act is a very good friend of mine.

I've been touring the country with him. He makes me laugh so much. Give it up for Marlon Davis.

APPLAUSE

Hello.

-Hello, Edinburgh. You all well? AUDIENCE:

-Yes.

I'm OK myself. I've been up here for the Fringe Festival.

I have to keep in contact with my mum back home.

I call home and I cross my fingers,

hoping that my stepfather doesn't answer the phone.

You guys don't know him,

but he's kind of like Trigger from Only Fools And Horses.

He's a nice guy but... I phone home, I'm like, "Hello."

"Hello. Who is it?"

"It's Marlon." "Marlon? Marlon is not here."

"Yeah, I know. It's me." "It's me? Who is it's me?

"Is this a prank call?

"Who is this?" I'm like, "Jesus, man!" "Jesus?

"On the phone? I didn't know it was going to be like this.

"What do you want?" "Is my mum there?" "Mary?" "No!"

Wrong telephone number.

All of us in this room right now, even in these credit crunchy times,

it's still great because this is the best time ever to be alive right now.

The best time ever. You've got all these things that's available to us.

You've got things like the iPhone.

And I say the iPhone, you're like, "Uh." It's the iPhone, synonymous with our culture right now.

That's how we live. But the iPhone is amazing. The way how it is.

It came out in 2007.

I don't know what my life was like before the iPhone.

I had to Google it.

Because we Google everything right now.

We don't think for ourselves whatsoever at all.

You have an argument with someone, I'm right, you're wrong, I'm right, you're wrong. We Google it.

Even if I'm sick, I go online now to the web doctor,

find out what's wrong with me instantly.

Something was wrong with me around this area,

didn't know what it was, typed it out into Google,

turns out I've got a bad knee.

I found out straight away. It's a bad knee. I don't actually have to think for myself. It's great.

It's fast, it's efficient. I hate going to the real doctors.

I've been filling out forms for my whole entire life saying this person is my doctor.

I ain't seen the shyster since I've been three years old. Who is this guy?

Every time I go to the doctors it's another person sat in his seat,

"How can I help you?" By finding my bloody doctor.

That's what I want to say, but I turn into a wimp. "No, the problem hurts me around this area."

He goes, "Let me have a look at it." I close my eyes and I'm wincing.

No-one's touched my leg for at least a minute.

I open my eyes and he's on Google.

"What are you doing?" "I don't know. It turns out you've got a bad knee."

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Marlon Davis. Thank you very much. Good night.

APPLAUSE

Marlon Davis.

Yes.

Next up, please welcome a very funny man, a good friend of mine,

fantastic comedian, John Gordillo.

APPLAUSE

Hello. Good evening. Thank you very much.

I'm watching all of the different shows and posters.

Everything just has sensational reviews. Everything has five stars.

How can you decide what's good? It's not like the Fringe,

there's something for everyone. It's that there's someone for everything.

That's the reality of the situation. And anything can be reviewed.

There is nothing that cannot get a review.

If you buy a book off Amazon, you can review the book,

but it's more screwed up because you can leave reviews

for the person who put the book in the envelope.

And sent it. They get a review. People are reviewing that.

You go and you have a look at these reviews,

every review on there is five stars.

I'm sure not sure you understand the true abhorrence that I feel as a comedian right now.

Do you realise what it takes to take get a five star review in our game?

That's impossible.

You need jokes, delivery, structure, the X factor...

You can't give five stars to a man putting a book in an envelope.

There aren't five things to do in the whole... I'm just going to read...

I just copied some of the reviews down. Genuine reviews.

"Five stars, well sealed and correctly addressed."

"Five stars, item arrived as described."

How is having your most basic expectations met a five-star experience?

What do you have to get to get four stars? "Book did not arrive, four stars."

"Five stars, I don't know how they do it."

I've copied something out of the paper the other day. I'd like to read it to you.

"Mieczyslaw Weinberg wrote much impassioned music in Moscow during his lifetime.

"His 1967 Requiem had to wait 45 years for its UK premiere

"last Saturday in a meticulously delivered recital

"by the Royal Liverpool Philharmonic Orchestra, the choristers of Liverpool Cathedral

"and an outstanding Lithuanian soprano, Asmik Grigorian.

"Tolling bells underline dark passages

"and the overall mood is of numbed bleakness.

"This feels like a Requiem, not just for one's soul

"but for a self-destructive species.

"Three stars."

APPLAUSE

But a man puts a book in an envelope...

Thank you very much. Have a great festival.

APPLAUSE

John Gordillo.

Give it up for this next guy. He's been ripping Edinburgh.

You're going to love him. Hal Cruttenden.

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much. Lovely to be here. Lovely to be in Edinburgh.

It's not as rough as Glasgow, is it?

You think you are. "We've got a terrible heroin problem."

But you've also got the biggest arts festival in the world here.

You can't help but be a little bit Sheila Showbiz, can you?

It is lovely. I love Scotland. I love the Scottish accent.

A lot of English people are frightened of it.

I'm not. I'm married to a Northern Irish woman.

That is the most frightening accent in the world.

My wife scares me when she's being loving. "I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH!"

"OK, great, Cheers."

"I WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU!"

"OK, we'll do that."

"I FEEL SAFE WHEN I'M WITH YOU!"

"That's ironic. Erm..."

They've got a north-south divide in Ireland, we have a north-south divide in England actually.

Any northern English people here? Yeah?

Do you believe in the north-south divide in England? I do.

Let's build a wall, make it official. Yeah?

Obviously, you can build it. We'll pay for it.

It's based on stereotypes. All this is based on stereotypes.

I have relatives from Grimsby who come to London where I live

and they look for it to fulfil its stereotype.

They walk round London going, "It's so unfriendly. No-one chats to each other."

I say to them, "Why this constant need to chat in Grimsby?

"If there was a little less chat and a bit more reading...

"Grimsby could be a cultural and economic superpower, it really could."

But there's an assumption that London's unfriendly, London is rich. London has rich people.

It also has the biggest concentration of poverty in the UK. Not me, thank God. God, no.

No, no. This goes tits up, Mummy bails me out.

But we've had the Olympics, of course, in London.

Scotland got a quarter of Team GB's gold medals.

CHEERING

Aren't you sporty...

when you steer clear of football?

No, it does make... It was so exciting to see people in minority sports. They're so excited.

So many of our top sports people in the well-known sports are so dull.

Tennis players are such dull whingers.

Even Andy Murray, I know he's lovely.

He's shown emotion this year but most of the time he's just a dull whinger.

He is.

"My backhand wasn't going so well and I wasn't moving around the court

"and I tried to grow a beard. It's just bumfluff."

"I don't even like tennis. I'm just too scared to tell my mum."

She is frightening, isn't she? "Win for me, Andy! For me!"

Tennis players, they're boring.

Footballers are of course the biggest bastards.

As an Englishman, it's very hard to support the England football team. They're such a bunch of bastards.

You watch them walk out on the field before the game, they all walk out

with a small child, little mascot, to show that they're nice guys.

Those are children from extramarital affairs. You know that, don't you?

It's the only time they see them. They're walking out, "How was school?

"Is school going well" "Who are you?" They're bastards!

APPLAUSE

You've been lovely. Thank you very much. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Hal Cruttenden. We love Hal.

Ladies and gentlemen, you've been brilliant, thanks for watching.

I've been Seann Walsh. This has been Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live. Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd