Episode 1 Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live


Episode 1

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Transcript


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'Please, welcome your host - Seann Walsh.'

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Thank you! Thank you!

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Hello, Edinburgh.

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AUDIENCE: Hello!

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Hello and welcome to Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live!

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AUDIENCE: Whoo!

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Fantastic. It's lovely to be here.

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It's been a year since I've been here.

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Not much has changed. My hair's longer.

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I'm increasingly getting mistaken for a woman.

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From behind, obviously.

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I've been offered a drink. Stood at the bar, like that.

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Can I trouble you for a drink?

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I'll have a Kronenbourg, mate. Nice one.

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They're friendly in here. We'll come back here.

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I have to take it easy. I binge-drink. That's my problem.

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I've ended up in some horrible states.

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Being sick, sick in the toilet.

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Can't make it to bed after being sick in the toilet.

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You know that state? Hugging the toilet.

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Thinking, "I am so comfortable.

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"Why don't they advertise this on DFS adverts?

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"I've never been so comfortable." Lying there...

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HE BREATHES HEAVILY

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HE SPITS

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Bath mat as a duvet.

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It's not covering the feet so you grab the toilet mat.

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What's that mat for?

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It's just there to absorb male urine.

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You need to find where to put your head. That's important.

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Normally, I can't sleep with less than three pillows.

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I can't sleep on a train, I can't sleep on a plane.

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Now I'm hugging a toilet, that dark bit behind the bowl

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that's never properly been cleaned looks lovely.

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Oh, I could lie here for ever.

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Your friends try and look after you. It depends what gender you are.

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Ladies, girls, you look after one another.

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You are more caring, more considerate.

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I have seen it at house parties.

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A girl starts being sick,

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you storm in there like it's a military operation.

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Are you all right, babes? Are you all right, babes?

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Get your hair out of your face. Get your hair out of your face.

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You look gorgeous, babes. You look beautiful. You look beautiful.

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You look stunning. We are going to get you some water.

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Do you want some water? We'll get you some water.

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Go and get her some water! Get some water.

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She'll be all right once she's had some water. Where is your bag?

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Don't worry. We'll find your bag. Where is her bag?!

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Find her bag quickly! Go and find it. We've got your bag coming.

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Very protective. Guys aren't allowed to see what's happening.

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If a guy walks past, looks through the toilet door,

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what's going on here? Nothing! Nothing to be seen here. Go on!

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No-one's laughing at you, babes. No-one is laughing.

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No-one's laughing at you. We've got your water coming. What's that?!

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Egg cup?

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It couldn't re-hydrate a mouse.

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We've got a nice big egg cup of water. There you go.

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Get that down you. Don't worry about him. He's an arsehole!

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Don't worry about him. We are going to get you home and get you changed.

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Changing each other in bed!

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Have you seen this?

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Men aren't as caring and considerate.

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You see a bloke, a good friend of yours being sick in the toilet.

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The most you will do is look at him and go, "Are you all right, mate?"

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It doesn't matter what his reaction is.

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You'll turn to your other friend and say, "Film it!"

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Ladies and gentlemen, you have been a fantastic audience.

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Are you ready for your first act?

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AUDIENCE: Yeah.

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We're going to start off with one of Australia's biggest comedians.

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Please go wild for Adam Hills.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello, Edinburgh.

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This is my 15th time at the festival

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and for the first time this year, I have felt like a local.

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Because I found myself walking across North Bridge uttering the words,

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"Bloody tourists!"

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Thank you.

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I love it here. I feel like this is my second home.

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I was in Australia last year

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and I wandered into a second-hand bookstore and I found this.

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I found a book called Picturesque Notes On Edinburgh.

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Written by Robert Louis Stevenson.

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AUDIENCE MEMBER: Whoo!

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Exactly.

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I bought it. It's 35 Australian dollars so that's £2.60.

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LAUGHTER

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Ladies and gentlemen, this is Robert Louis Stevenson

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Picturesque Notes On Edinburgh - introduction.

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"The ancient and famous metropolis of the North sits overlooking

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"a windy estuary from the slope and summit of three hills.

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"No situation could be more commanding for the head city of a kingdom,

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"none better chosen for noble prospects.

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"But Edinburgh pays cruelly for her high seat in one of the vilest climates under heaven."

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Oh, there's more.

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"The weather is raw and boisterous in winter, shifty and ungenial in summer

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"and a downright meteorological purgatory in the spring."

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"The delicate die early."

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"And I, as a survivor, among bleak winds and plumping rain

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"have been sometimes tempted to envy them their fate."

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It goes on. I haven't even got off the second page yet.

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It completely disses it.

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It talks about how Venice, Venice is wonderful

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because people that visit Venice view it as they would a lover.

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"Indeed, even by her kindest friends,

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"Edinburgh is not considered in a similar sense.

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"People like Edinburgh for many reasons,

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"not any one of which is satisfactory in itself."

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"Her attraction is romantic in the narrowest meaning of the term.

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"Beautiful as she is, she is not so much beautiful as interesting.

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"And what is the deal with the freaking trams?!"

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HE MOUTHS

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OK, I'll be honest. I made that last bit up.

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It goes on like this for an entire chapter.

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The end of which there is a bit note which was written after it was published.

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It says this - "These sentences have,

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"I hear, given offence in my native town

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"and a proportionable pleasure to our rivals of Glasgow."

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"To the Glasgow people, I would say only one word, but that is of gold.

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"I have not yet written a book about Glasgow."

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Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a pleasure talking to you.

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Enjoy your night.

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Good night, Edinburgh!

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Adam Hills!

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Give it up for the most charming man in comedy - Charlie Baker!

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APPLAUSE

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Good evening. Everyone all right?

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CHEERING

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Let's get one thing out of the way. What a lovely looking man!

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What a smashing looking man!

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Some of you thinking... HE RETCHES

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I've not always been so robust.

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When I was born, a very sad story, when I was born,

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they told my mum and dad I might not live until the morning.

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Nothing wrong with me, just really annoying.

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Came out jazz hands, high kicks, the lot!

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It's a sad start.

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What my parents set about doing was filling me with love, confidence.

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Any confident people in?

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There never are. It's a not a good thing.

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If you have low self esteem, you think everybody hates you.

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If you have high self esteem, everybody hates you.

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It's not a good thing to have. They set about filling me with food.

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I don't know if you know this about Devonshire women -

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they can lactate clotted cream at any point.

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There's jam in the other.

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They can bring up a pasty. HE CHOKES

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Like a penguin with fish.

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It's very good. They filled me with love.

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A lovely Devonshire upbringing.

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I had to find my danger wherever I could.

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I used to find it in the play parks. I've got a five-year-old son.

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I take him to the play park now. There's no danger there!

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When I was growing up, the slide would be like 40 foot high,

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made of rust and razor blades.

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You'd slide off the bottom for 40 foot on your arse.

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The roundabout would be made of daggers.

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Glass all over the floor and you'd ring the council and go,

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"There's glass all over the floor", and they'd go, "That ain't glass.

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"That's just big sand."

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It's rubber all over the floor now.

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Any rubber on the floor

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when I was growing up had a knot in the end of it.

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It's no good... There's no danger.

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It wasn't a good day at the park

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unless you came home with a bit of bone showing.

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You can see my elbow. Look at it!

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If you have a bone showing in a park now, you get put on a register.

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There's no danger any more. He's never picked a scab.

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He's never had scabs on his elbows and knees.

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He's never picked a scab and ate it. It's a dying craft.

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You've all done it.

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I was a weird child. I was a middle child.

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I like to say I was a middle child

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but with the social skills of an only.

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Not a good combination.

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Apparently, when I was five... I had a very pushy, stage-y mum.

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I don't know if you've seen Black Swan.

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I'm more force-fed foie-gras goose.

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When I was five, I apparently asked to do tap-dancing.

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This isn't a good thing for a man to do. Don't learn tap-dancing.

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If you see a man salsa-dancing, you think, "Hey! I bet he's good in bed."

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If you see a man tap-dancing, you think, "Hey!

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"I bet he lives with his mum."

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It's not a good thing. There are two sorts of tap-dancing.

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I'll show you the two. This is American rhythm tap.

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There it is, American tap.

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Look at me. Full of oppression. Stamping it out.

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Arrogant, from the balls, oh, sexy.

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Then, British tap, all it's done is cross the Atlantic.

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And somehow become this.

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APPLAUSE

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Don't clap. That's how it starts. My nan going, "Very good. Do it again."

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Thanks for coming. I'm Charlie Baker. Good night.

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APPLAUSE

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Charlie Baker!

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Next up, please welcome Russell Kane.

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CHEERING

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Hello. Lovely Edinburgh. This is my family.

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This is my girlfriend. I'm here for the first time ever with no girlfriend,

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no partner, living on my own in Edinburgh.

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Hey! So who have I been hanging out with? My mum for the whole festival.

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I can't explain the exquisite pleasure of seeing my mum

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do her first Jager Bomb. It blew my freaking mind.

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But something amazing has happened. My dad pegged it years ago.

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I just kept him alive for comedy purposes to add some artificial

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pathos to my middle-brow meanderings.

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"He's self-deprecating."

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What I did was... You know, there are two types of women.

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There are some women who go, "My husband's dead.

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"I'll stay indoors and go grey."

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Then there is the survivor. My mum's like me with a perm.

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She's like a Pepperami with a perm.

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Full of energy. "Let's make lists till were miserable.

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"Let's overanalyse everything until we cry." We are the same.

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She survived. My dad's been dead nearly eight years. She's moved on.

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Those of you of my sort of age will know what it's like

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if your mum is 50 and she gets a... I can't even say it.

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I've told this story before and I say, "My mum's got boyf...

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"She's got a boyfriend." Stop putting your willy in my mum, please!

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Anyway... HE RETCHES

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It should just fall off after a certain age.

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There should be a Ken hump.

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That's all there should be there.

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She's happy and Danny from Woodford is lovely. He's the opposite of my dad.

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He used to smash up the house if he could not find his car keys.

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Danny goes, "Oh, well. It's only car keys. Let's get a taxi."

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He's one of those men.

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We went out clubbing recently, the three of us. Orcs or what!

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More Orcs than the Lord Of The Rings Trilogy.

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"Oh, my God. He's using our language. Random!"

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IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: I don't know what you're talkin' aboot!

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Get on with the story!

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My mum has got a brilliant use of language. Water is never spilt.

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It's drenched, it's a deluge.

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When her phone fell into the canal, she described it as,

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"slipping into the black abyss."

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Even her mistakes are elegant. Watching The Voice.

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"My favourite - Will-one-am, love him."

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Love her. But she came out with her all-time classic mixed with her worrying jealousy.

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We were out clubbing and we were all dancing

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and there were girls everywhere.

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It's amazing that anyone realises I'm straight,

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let alone any female would find me attractive.

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I'm happy to absorb their misguided attention

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if they want to lavish it upon me. The girls were trying to get my attention by doing

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that dance that I call mild stroke.

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Just call it vitamin D deficiency. It doesn't make me want to bone you.

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I want to help you by giving you Wellwoman vitamins or something.

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We are all looking at the girl and I say,

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"Look at all those girls, Danny."

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And he comes out with this... It was like a well-trained dog that had forgotten itself.

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When a dog that's well-trained goes, "I'm having a great game indoors.

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"I just pissed up the telly. I don't know why I did that."

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I went, "Look at all those girls,"

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and Danny said, "Yeah, let me know if you need a hand with that."

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Just as the dance music dropped out, my mum has heard it.

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My mum, she might be five feet three,

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but she's like a crystal of anger.

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She's turned on Danny. You've got to think of your favourite villain.

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Your favourite gangster Joe Pesci, Robert De Niro, whoever.

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Mine is Ben Kingsley as Don Logan in Sexy Beast.

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My mum has done a full slow head turn on him like this.

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She came out with one of the best things I've ever heard.

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Danny has gone, "Let me know if you need a hand with that."

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And she said, "How are you going to do that, Dan, with no eyes and stumps?"

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Thank you very much. Good night.

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Russell Kane!

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I've worked with this next woman loads of times. I love her.

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I know you're going to love her. Please welcome Sara Pascoe!

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Hello. Good evening.

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It's so nice to be here in Edinburgh and it's so nice doing comedy at all.

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Stand-up has completely changed my life for the better.

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I used to be a regular drunk woman and now,

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I don't need to shout at strangers any more.

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I've got amplification.

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I don't piss in the street any more.

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I can wait until I'm in the privacy of my own taxi.

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If I want to hate myself in the morning,

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I don't need to go to bed with one of you.

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I can just end this bit without a punchline.

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That'll do it.

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The drinking thing is quite interesting.

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I read the study that Boston University did about happiness.

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They said that the happiest people drank no more

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than three glasses of wine a day.

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What?

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I spill more wine than that a day.

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Who are these underdrinkers and why do they have nothing to forget?

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I don't think it's a fair study because I think that

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alcohol reacts differently with different people.

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For some people, wine makes them giggly, some people,

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it makes you sleepy.

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It makes me do shots.

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That's genetics.

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Because I don't want to have to change my behaviour, instead,

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I've decided to feel sorry for these happy people

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because they are not going to get any of the adventures.

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They'll never go night swimming,

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they'll never be sick on themselves without noticing.

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They'll never do the walk of shame, going home in last night's clothes.

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They'll never do the queue of shame, waiting for Greggs to open.

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They'll never do the look of shame, A double-take in the mirror

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when I THOUGHT I saw my mother.

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I try not to look in the mirror very often

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because I do not want to care what I look like.

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It's so impossible because there is all this focus

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on women's appearances especially in Essex where I come from.

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Grooming has gone too far.

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Jodie Marsh has crossed the line from fake tanning into blacking-up.

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That is now offensive.

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I don't understand the false eyelashes thing.

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If I want my face to be hairier, I just don't pluck my chin.

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I believe that men and women, we're the same.

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We are remembered for our achievements,

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not what we looked like while we were doing stuff.

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Florence Nightingale, she invented nursing.

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Who cares if she had a muffin top?

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Marie Curie, she discovered radium and polonium.

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Who cares if she glowed in the dark?

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Ladies, we can waste all this energy hating ourselves

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when we should just be concentrating on our work like men do.

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They are not worrying about cellulite.

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They're too busy getting paid more

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in every single career where you don't have to take your clothes off.

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APPLAUSE

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Thanks!

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It's been so lovely to see you. My name's Sara. Good night.

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APPLAUSE

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Sara Pascoe!

0:19:410:19:43

And next, a very funny man, I know you're going to love him.

0:19:450:19:48

Please welcome James Acaster.

0:19:480:19:50

Thank you.

0:19:590:20:00

LAUGHTER

0:20:000:20:02

Cheers. Good to see you all.

0:20:020:20:03

So, I drove past a field full of cows recently.

0:20:030:20:06

And all the cows were lying down,

0:20:080:20:10

apart from one cow which was standing up.

0:20:100:20:12

Later on that day...

0:20:160:20:19

It did rain.

0:20:190:20:20

LAUGHTER

0:20:200:20:23

I bet they never let her forget it.

0:20:230:20:25

LAUGHTER

0:20:250:20:27

Hopefully you all know the thing about the cows.

0:20:300:20:33

LAUGHTER

0:20:330:20:35

If you don't, I'll explain it.

0:20:350:20:37

Basically, there's a rumour going round...

0:20:370:20:39

That the cows can predict the weather.

0:20:410:20:43

If it's going to be sunny, they stand-up.

0:20:430:20:45

If it's going to rain, they lie down.

0:20:450:20:47

Granted, beyond those two types of weather,

0:20:470:20:49

cows appear to have very little idea what's going on.

0:20:490:20:53

It doesn't mean they can't predict other types of weather, just, that if you are a cow,

0:20:530:20:56

there's limited ways you can express yourself.

0:20:560:20:59

You've got two settings if you're a cow - you're standing up or you're lying down.

0:21:000:21:04

You can't throw a lot of shapes.

0:21:040:21:06

LAUGHTER

0:21:060:21:07

And, it's only British cows that can do this.

0:21:070:21:10

I was talking to my friend Peter, from Denmark, I told him

0:21:100:21:12

about the cows in Britain.

0:21:120:21:14

He said it was stupid.

0:21:140:21:17

Laughed in my face.

0:21:170:21:19

He said in Denmark, people believe cows can let us

0:21:190:21:22

know what way the wind's blowing.

0:21:220:21:24

If a cow faces this way. Then the wind is also blowing this way.

0:21:240:21:29

I said, "Maybe you're right, Peter.

0:21:310:21:34

Maybe it is pretty stupid of us British

0:21:340:21:36

to look to cows to let us know what's happening in the future.

0:21:360:21:39

But I would argue it's a little bit more stupid to look to cows

0:21:390:21:42

to let you know what's happening in the present.

0:21:420:21:45

LAUGHTER

0:21:450:21:48

APPLAUSE

0:21:480:21:53

I think it's great we still believe in that kind of stuff.

0:21:530:21:56

But my favourite one's the Loch Ness Monster.

0:21:560:21:58

Love it.

0:21:580:21:59

Yeah, most people who've seen the Loch Ness Monster,

0:21:590:22:02

they describe it as looking like an up-turned boat.

0:22:020:22:05

LAUGHTER

0:22:050:22:07

It does sound like they might have seen...

0:22:070:22:11

one of them up-turned boats.

0:22:110:22:12

LAUGHTER

0:22:120:22:14

If you want to convince me you saw the Loch Ness Monster,

0:22:140:22:16

probably best not to describe it as something else commonly found in a loch.

0:22:160:22:19

LAUGHTER

0:22:190:22:20

My favourite Loch Ness Monster sighting was by a couple

0:22:200:22:23

called Mr and Mrs Spicer.

0:22:230:22:24

They claim they were driving home late at night and they had to

0:22:240:22:27

stop their car to allow the Loch Ness Monster to cross the road.

0:22:270:22:30

LAUGHTER

0:22:300:22:32

That's their story.

0:22:320:22:33

Could have seen two people carrying a boat, we don't know.

0:22:330:22:36

LAUGHTER

0:22:360:22:39

I'm aware they made that up, I know it's a lie.

0:22:390:22:41

That easily makes them my favourite couple that have ever existed.

0:22:410:22:44

Looking around tonight, there's loads of couples in,

0:22:440:22:47

I'm sure you're very much in love, but in my opinion,

0:22:470:22:50

you're never fully in love until one of you can turn to the other and go,

0:22:500:22:54

"Do you want to do a Loch Ness Monster hoax?"

0:22:540:22:56

LAUGHTER

0:22:560:22:58

"I was just about to ask you the same thing."

0:22:580:23:01

"What do you want to go with, up-turned boat?"

0:23:010:23:03

"Screw that - crossing the road."

0:23:030:23:06

"I love you."

0:23:060:23:07

"I love you, too."

0:23:170:23:18

"I love you so much."

0:23:280:23:30

"Do you want to go and do it right now?"

0:23:410:23:42

"Or do you want to wait until we finish these crop circles?"

0:23:480:23:51

LAUGHTER

0:23:510:23:52

APPLAUSE

0:23:520:23:55

You've been a lot of fun. I'll see you later, bye. Thank you.

0:23:550:23:59

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:590:24:02

James Acaster.

0:24:020:24:06

Now, he's huge in Ireland, please go mad for Des Bishop.

0:24:060:24:10

APPLAUSE

0:24:100:24:13

Thank you.

0:24:130:24:15

Thank you very much. Thank you.

0:24:150:24:17

I am, uh, I'm struggling with getting older.

0:24:170:24:20

I'm 36.

0:24:200:24:21

I'm not married, I've no kids. But here's the real evidence.

0:24:210:24:24

I'm going to rat myself out.

0:24:240:24:26

This is how I know I'm struggling with getting old.

0:24:260:24:28

I've dyed my hair.

0:24:280:24:30

Yes, women hate that.

0:24:310:24:33

They're like, "What are you doing dying your hair? Going grey is sexy.

0:24:330:24:36

"Silver Fox. Look at George Clooney."

0:24:360:24:38

They're always mentioning George Clooney.

0:24:380:24:40

They never mention Alistair Darling. Do you notice that?

0:24:400:24:42

LAUGHTER

0:24:420:24:44

White hair on top, but his eyebrows are on a protest.

0:24:440:24:47

"Hell, no, we won't go."

0:24:470:24:48

His eyebrows, it's like he saw a ghost with sunglasses on.

0:24:480:24:51

I don't know what's going on with that guy's hair.

0:24:510:24:54

Either that or he's so Scottish, he's like, "I'll just do the eyebrows

0:24:540:24:57

"and wear a hat, I'll save loads of money, it'll be fine".

0:24:570:24:59

LAUGHTER

0:24:590:25:00

Oh, God forgive me, in your own country, oh!

0:25:000:25:02

LAUGHTER

0:25:020:25:03

Yeah. I, I dyed it.

0:25:030:25:06

Women can't identify with the stress of dying your hair as a man

0:25:060:25:09

because you can dye your hair. You don't have to hide it.

0:25:090:25:12

You even dye your hair like that auburn-purple colour.

0:25:120:25:15

Which, I think looks great, but no human has ever produced it naturally

0:25:150:25:19

so we know you're dying it and you don't care that we know,

0:25:190:25:22

that's why your hair colour products have positive names

0:25:220:25:25

like Clairol Nice 'N' Easy.

0:25:250:25:27

L'Oreal Preference. You walk into the chemist, they're in your face.

0:25:270:25:31

Men's hair colour, shhhhh.

0:25:310:25:34

(Just For Men).

0:25:340:25:35

LAUGHTER

0:25:350:25:36

Don't tell anyone. It's a big secret. It's like a gay sauna.

0:25:360:25:39

Go round the back, lads.

0:25:390:25:40

Nothing wrong in what you're doing but don't let anyone know you're doing it.

0:25:400:25:44

LAUGHTER

0:25:440:25:47

You have to hide it. I had a one night stand recently.

0:25:470:25:50

I felt terrible. I had this moral dilemma.

0:25:500:25:53

I was with this girl, we had a nice time,

0:25:530:25:56

but then after the fact I felt guilty, I thought, "Oh my God,

0:25:560:25:58

"I haven't told her the information".

0:25:580:26:01

That's not fair, she might have got involved under false pretences

0:26:010:26:04

and I think you owe that to a 20-year-old.

0:26:040:26:06

They need to know.

0:26:060:26:08

I said, "Listen, I've used Just For Men".

0:26:080:26:10

She attacked me. She was like, "I can't believe, how...

0:26:100:26:13

"How can you use Just For Men?" I thought, "How can I use Just For Men?"

0:26:130:26:16

I had to push her to the side

0:26:160:26:18

and say, "How could you leave this fake tan all over my freshly white sheets?"

0:26:180:26:21

LAUGHTER

0:26:210:26:23

"Like the Shroud Of Turin, how could you do it?

0:26:230:26:25

"I knew you weren't orange, but you look amazing. You look amazing."

0:26:250:26:28

LAUGHTER

0:26:280:26:29

It's horrible.

0:26:290:26:31

Do you know that when they killed Osama Bin Laden, they found

0:26:310:26:35

Just For Men in his lair?

0:26:350:26:37

And this is a fact. I haven't made it up for a joke.

0:26:370:26:39

I read it in the New York Times.

0:26:390:26:40

And this will tell you how negative people's attitude

0:26:400:26:43

to Just For Men is.

0:26:430:26:45

They wrote that story as if to say,

0:26:450:26:46

"Oh, you think Osama Bin Laden's a bad man for killing 3,000 people?

0:26:460:26:50

"Check this out!"

0:26:500:26:51

LAUGHTER

0:26:510:26:53

"He used Just For Men."

0:26:530:26:54

And then I thought about

0:26:540:26:56

the young Al-Qaeda operative. "I have a meeting with Osama,

0:26:560:26:59

"what will be my mission?"

0:26:590:27:01

And Osama's like, "Mohammed, go to Abbottabad and get me

0:27:010:27:05

"two boxes of Natural Black Just For Men."

0:27:050:27:07

LAUGHTER

0:27:070:27:08

"One for my beard, one for my head."

0:27:080:27:10

At what stage of that

0:27:100:27:11

journey do you not question your commitment to the jihad?

0:27:110:27:15

LAUGHTER

0:27:150:27:16

How can you follow that guy?

0:27:160:27:17

It's important to know, in the Arab world it's not called

0:27:170:27:20

Just For Men, it's called Unjust For Women.

0:27:200:27:22

Just so you know. LAUGHTER

0:27:220:27:24

And for all those men,

0:27:240:27:26

terrorists and me in Dublin, buying Just For Men for myself,

0:27:260:27:30

there are five shades. Five shades for everybody.

0:27:300:27:33

There are seven shades of red alone in female hair colour products.

0:27:330:27:38

Seven shades of red.

0:27:380:27:40

Why do you need seven shades of a colour most people pray

0:27:400:27:44

their children will not be born with?

0:27:440:27:47

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:27:470:27:48

So I can looking like an idiot for too long in the wrong aisle.

0:27:480:27:50

Thank you very much, I've been Des Bishop. Have a good night, thank you.

0:27:500:27:54

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:540:27:57

Des Bishop!

0:27:570:27:59

I do like a drink. I've been good this week.

0:28:010:28:03

I behaved.

0:28:030:28:05

Wanted to sort my life out. You have that?

0:28:050:28:06

You have a good week. "This week I'm going to sort my life out."

0:28:060:28:09

"This week I'm going to stay in, sort out my life."

0:28:100:28:13

All this really means is, "I'm going to clean my bedroom."

0:28:130:28:16

LAUGHTER

0:28:160:28:19

I know what I do. I get back,

0:28:190:28:21

sometimes I get back late at night, drunk.

0:28:210:28:23

I think this time, this time I'm going to get up. You know that?

0:28:230:28:27

This time I'm going to escape the hangover.

0:28:270:28:30

Going to set the alarm on my phone.

0:28:300:28:33

-SLURRED:

-I've been working today, I've been working today.

0:28:350:28:38

So I'm going to sort it. It's all right.

0:28:380:28:41

I know last time I didn't get up.

0:28:410:28:43

Last time I didn't have a glass of water, did I?

0:28:430:28:45

LAUGHTER

0:28:450:28:47

This time I'm going to set the alarm on my phone and I'm not,

0:28:470:28:52

I'm not, I'm not going to get into bed with it.

0:28:520:28:54

No, no, no. This is the clever bit...

0:28:540:28:57

I'm going to put the phone the other side of the room.

0:28:570:29:02

HE LAUGHS

0:29:020:29:05

Deal with that, morning me!

0:29:050:29:07

Because then when I wake up, I'll have to get out of bed.

0:29:090:29:13

And I'll have two walk all of two and a half metres.

0:29:130:29:17

And by that time I'm going to be so awake.

0:29:170:29:21

This has never happened, has it?

0:29:210:29:23

No one's got out of bed, gone, "Oh, God... Ready for the day.

0:29:230:29:27

"Let's go...

0:29:270:29:29

"Coffees and croissants for everyone!"

0:29:290:29:31

LAUGHTER

0:29:310:29:32

I press the snooze button. First thing I do, snooze button, straight away. Nine minutes.

0:29:320:29:36

Who came up with nine minutes?

0:29:360:29:38

Who thought this was the perfect snooze?

0:29:380:29:40

"Ten minutes? No, that's a lie in!"

0:29:400:29:43

LAUGHTER

0:29:430:29:44

"Eight? That's not enough. Nine? The perfect snooze." Why do we do this?

0:29:440:29:48

This nine minutes. Has anyone ever felt better after the nine minutes?

0:29:480:29:52

Someone going into work. "Hey, guys, I'm in a good mood today.

0:29:520:29:55

"I've had an extra nine minutes sleep. Wooooh!"

0:29:550:29:58

All I do after the nine minutes is press it again.

0:29:590:30:02

The longest I've pressed the snooze button is four hours.

0:30:020:30:05

LAUGHTER

0:30:050:30:07

It's not proper sleep, is it?

0:30:070:30:09

You don't go back to sleep in that nine minutes.

0:30:090:30:12

No, you basically just lie in your own bed having a panic attack.

0:30:120:30:16

"It's going to go off any second now. I feel it, It's going to go off, it's going to...

0:30:160:30:19

"Any second now, it's going to go off." Sometimes you even check.

0:30:190:30:22

"Two minutes left. Two minutes left. I know it's going to go off."

0:30:220:30:25

APPLAUSE

0:30:250:30:29

These alarms don't work, do they? The smoke alarm.

0:30:290:30:31

The smoke alarm overdoes it, doesn't it? EEEEEHHHH.

0:30:310:30:35

For some toast, really?

0:30:350:30:36

LAUGHTER

0:30:360:30:38

The panic that ensues after the smoke alarm's gone off. Too much!

0:30:380:30:41

People lose their minds. Open a window, open a window. Quickly!

0:30:410:30:46

Open the door, open the door. Start trying to physically push out smoke.

0:30:460:30:49

You look insane. Come on, come on. Quickly. Quicker. Tea towel.

0:30:490:30:55

Where's the tea towel. Have you got a tea towel?

0:30:550:30:57

Where's the tea towel? What is it with the tea towel?

0:30:570:31:00

Who's ever seen the Fire Brigade turn up. "We've got this."

0:31:000:31:03

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:31:030:31:06

Well, this next guy I've worked with many times. I love him.

0:31:120:31:16

He makes me laugh more than anyone. Please welcome, Paul Chowdhry.

0:31:160:31:19

APPLAUSE

0:31:190:31:23

What's happening, white people?

0:31:270:31:29

CHEERING

0:31:290:31:30

Any Scottish people in tonight?

0:31:300:31:32

CHEERING

0:31:320:31:33

I love Scottish people.

0:31:330:31:35

Very close family community. Very community driven society in Scotland.

0:31:350:31:38

It's like Indian people.

0:31:380:31:39

I went to India recently to get some Scottish whisky for my dad.

0:31:390:31:43

LAUGHTER

0:31:430:31:44

And they don't import the whisky from Scotland. They imitate it.

0:31:450:31:49

So I said to this guy, "Is this Scottish whisky?

0:31:490:31:51

He said, "It is Scot-ish."

0:31:510:31:53

LAUGHTER

0:31:530:31:56

"Scot-ish."

0:31:560:31:57

LAUGHTER

0:31:570:31:59

Meat has become so cheap now.

0:31:590:32:02

Kebabs, so cheap.

0:32:020:32:03

You think kebabs are so cheap, no-one's going to want to steal it.

0:32:030:32:06

But in Glasgow...

0:32:080:32:10

Thieves stole £70 worth of kebab meat.

0:32:100:32:14

That's an entire doner kebab...

0:32:140:32:17

was dragged through the streets, covered in shit.

0:32:170:32:20

And then they stole it.

0:32:200:32:22

LAUGHTER

0:32:220:32:26

But they didn't touch the salad.

0:32:260:32:28

LAUGHTER

0:32:280:32:29

"Paul, get the salad." "I'm not freakin' gay!"

0:32:290:32:32

LAUGHTER

0:32:320:32:34

So, we had the Olympics. 29 gold medals.

0:32:340:32:37

29 gold medals.

0:32:380:32:40

The Kenyan's, they won... A lot of them weren't even taking part.

0:32:400:32:44

Some woman went out to get a pint of milk.

0:32:440:32:46

LAUGHTER

0:32:460:32:49

"Every time I go and buy a pint of milk somebody gives me a gold medal."

0:32:490:32:52

LAUGHTER

0:32:520:32:55

"I went to see my friend, I got a silver and a bronze."

0:32:570:33:01

LAUGHTER

0:33:010:33:03

Now we've got the Paralympics.

0:33:030:33:06

I was chosen to perform for Paralympic GB.

0:33:060:33:10

I was very nervous cos I wasn't sure whether I'd get

0:33:100:33:14

a good parking space.

0:33:140:33:15

LAUGHTER

0:33:150:33:18

I got one.

0:33:210:33:22

LAUGHTER

0:33:220:33:25

So they finally caught Saif Gaddafi,

0:33:250:33:27

Colonel Gaddafi's son.

0:33:270:33:30

Because they found him, they cut his hand off.

0:33:300:33:32

Bin Laden's right-hand man, they cut his leg off.

0:33:320:33:35

In the Middle East all these terrorists have parts of their body missing.

0:33:350:33:38

I want to play the Middle Eastern version of Guess Who?

0:33:380:33:40

LAUGHTER

0:33:400:33:42

Has he got legs? No.

0:33:420:33:44

LAUGHTER

0:33:440:33:48

Has he got arms? Yes.

0:33:480:33:50

LAUGHTER

0:33:500:33:51

Has he got eyes? No. Is it Fatima?

0:33:510:33:53

Yeah, that's the bitch.

0:33:530:33:55

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:33:550:33:57

Thank you.

0:33:570:33:58

Thanks for being a great crowd.

0:34:000:34:02

APPLAUSE

0:34:020:34:06

Paul Chowdhry!

0:34:060:34:08

It is an honour for me to bring out the next guy.

0:34:110:34:13

He's a gentleman, he's brilliant. Please welcome Simon Evans.

0:34:130:34:18

APPLAUSE

0:34:180:34:22

Good evening. Folks. How are you, are you well?

0:34:250:34:28

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

0:34:280:34:29

Marvellous. Olympic fortnight as Paul was referencing there

0:34:290:34:32

and I just want to take this opportunity addressing,

0:34:320:34:34

as I am, a large, and largely Scottish audience to say

0:34:340:34:37

thank you so much to the people of Scotland

0:34:370:34:39

for your huge contribution to the medal haul which Team GB achieved.

0:34:390:34:42

Apparently, I was reading one of these articles

0:34:440:34:46

they write in the paper, one of these sort of hypothetical scenarios.

0:34:460:34:49

They were saying that if Scotland were a country...

0:34:490:34:53

LAUGHTER

0:34:530:34:56

I know, bear with me.

0:34:560:34:58

Apparently your medal haul would have been somewhere between Germany

0:34:580:35:01

and Yorkshire, or something like that.

0:35:010:35:03

But, no, it was very impressive, it really was, marvellous.

0:35:030:35:06

And I realise of course, Scotland is an entirely independent country.

0:35:060:35:10

It's very much on the agenda now

0:35:100:35:12

and many high-profile supporters. Sean Connery for one

0:35:120:35:15

and he should know because he lives in the Bahamas.

0:35:150:35:17

LAUGHTER

0:35:170:35:19

Which has been independent from Britain for a long time now

0:35:190:35:21

and is lovely and warm and sunny as a result.

0:35:210:35:23

So...

0:35:230:35:24

I assure you, if you do achieve independence,

0:35:260:35:28

I shall be the first to toast your success with a fine Indian scotch.

0:35:280:35:33

But...

0:35:330:35:34

LAUGHTER

0:35:340:35:36

It did put sports events in a different light, the Olympics.

0:35:360:35:38

It cast a bad light on football.

0:35:380:35:40

On Premiership football in the UK, I think. I have always granted this.

0:35:400:35:44

I say football serves a valuable purpose.

0:35:440:35:47

Without doubt, it draws the poison from the High Street.

0:35:470:35:50

LAUGHTER

0:35:500:35:52

On a Saturday afternoon.

0:35:520:35:54

Honest, decent citizens are able to go about their business

0:35:540:35:58

knowing that the underclass have been lured into some vast keeping pen.

0:35:580:36:04

On the outskirts of town.

0:36:050:36:08

Where they are encouraged to focus their hatred and tribal aggression

0:36:090:36:13

on one another for a couple of hours and leave the rest of us in peace.

0:36:130:36:17

It's extraordinary. You put half of them in different coloured shirts

0:36:170:36:21

and they go at each other, like budgerigars and mirrors. Fantastic. APPLAUSE

0:36:210:36:26

I was taken to a match recently.

0:36:260:36:29

Chelsea FC in the south-west of London.

0:36:290:36:32

A huge stadium full of grown men, all dressed in replica kit, the names of their favourite players on the back.

0:36:320:36:38

Very much as my son will wear a Spiderman outfit when he goes to see a movie about him.

0:36:380:36:43

I went dressed as a grown-up.

0:36:430:36:45

In a nice three-piece Norfolk tweed.

0:36:500:36:52

Apparently I was the one in fancy dress, judging by the way they were pointing at me.

0:36:520:36:56

And they were led out by John Terry, of course.

0:36:560:36:59

He was standing trial at that time and was no longer England captain

0:36:590:37:02

because he was awaiting trial for allegedly calling another player on the field of play

0:37:020:37:07

in the BBC Three version and effing black C word.

0:37:070:37:10

The irony is out of that self-censored remark, the only word at issue was the word black.

0:37:100:37:15

The rest was fine, apparently.

0:37:150:37:18

I've never liked John Terry,

0:37:180:37:20

for many of the same reasons I don't like skiing.

0:37:200:37:23

Strikes me as vulgar, waste of money, likely to break your legs

0:37:230:37:26

and his eyes are too close together.

0:37:260:37:29

I'll leave you on that crossword clue. Thank you very much.

0:37:290:37:32

Have a wonderful festival. APPLAUSE

0:37:320:37:36

Simon Evans. Yes.

0:37:390:37:42

Brilliant.

0:37:420:37:44

Go crazy, go wild for the fantastic Rob Beckett.

0:37:440:37:48

APPLAUSE

0:37:480:37:51

-Hello. We all right? AUDIENCE:

-Yes.

0:37:510:37:54

Good. I'm Rob. I'm working class. Any working class in?

0:37:540:37:58

-Yeah.

-Middle-class?

-Yeah.

0:37:580:38:01

It's confusing, class, if you're not sure you can do a little test to see if you're working class.

0:38:010:38:05

You're normally working class if your television is bigger than your bookcase.

0:38:050:38:10

That's how it works. So you have a 50 inch plasma on the wall

0:38:110:38:16

and then a bookcase from IKEA next to it, with DVDs on it normally.

0:38:160:38:22

Sometimes books. Books like, Oi, I Know The Kray Twins, You Mug. Stuff like that.

0:38:240:38:29

Or a copy of Da Vinci Code when your mum got a bit cocky.

0:38:290:38:34

"I will read it. All the girls have been talking about it."

0:38:340:38:37

"No, you won't." The girls are her mates. I don't know why she calls them the girls.

0:38:370:38:41

There's five of them, combined age of 298.

0:38:410:38:43

The first time I ever properly knew I was working class, I remember

0:38:430:38:47

reading an interview with this posh bloke, asked what his hobbies were.

0:38:470:38:51

He put down rowing. I read it as "rah-wing".

0:38:510:38:54

I was like, "He loves kicking off, this bloke, doesn't he? He's telling the paper, I like a tear-up."

0:39:000:39:06

Steve Redgrave as well, you wouldn't have thought it, would you?

0:39:060:39:11

My mum didn't have big expectations for me and my four brothers. Russ, Darren, Joe and Dan.

0:39:110:39:16

She gave us names she said that we could live up to.

0:39:160:39:19

You can't be called Sebastian and be a plumber.

0:39:190:39:22

It don't work. You wouldn't trust it. Imagine ringing up and going, "Can I have a plumber?"

0:39:220:39:26

"Sebastian will be with you in the morning."

0:39:260:39:29

"Sebastian?! I want a plumber, not the managing director.

0:39:290:39:33

"It's not Undercover Bosses, I've got a leak."

0:39:330:39:37

Sebastian's got to work all day with someone.

0:39:370:39:40

If he's in the van with Terry, they're not going to get on.

0:39:400:39:45

Terry is there. "Who's the U bend for? Who needs it?"

0:39:450:39:49

"It's whom, Terry." "Shut up, Sebastian."

0:39:490:39:52

"I'm sick of it, mate. Peppermint tea in the caff. What are you thinking?"

0:39:540:39:58

My girlfriend gets a bit embarrassed about me as well because I've got a very middle-class girlfriend.

0:40:000:40:05

She used to be upper-class but we're together now.

0:40:050:40:09

Her sister's got a boyfriend called Rupert.

0:40:100:40:14

Rupert. As in the name.

0:40:140:40:16

I'm not having a go, it's a decent name. I just never thought I'd meet one.

0:40:190:40:25

The thing is, the difference between my girlfriend's family and my family is so apparent.

0:40:250:40:30

In my house, on a Saturday night, we'll watch telly,

0:40:300:40:32

You've Been Framed, eating dinner off our laps.

0:40:320:40:35

Bit of a chavvy way to have your dinner. But we like it.

0:40:350:40:38

You go round my girlfriend's house, they sit in the conservatory,

0:40:380:40:42

there's a table big enough for everyone, they have wine, talk about politics

0:40:420:40:47

and I started thinking, "This is how we're supposed to do dinner. It's nice."

0:40:470:40:50

After ten minutes, I realise, I haven't got an opinion and I'd quite like to see a dog fall in a puddle.

0:40:500:40:56

I've been Rob Beckett. Be lucky. See you soon. Cheers. Bye.

0:40:560:41:00

APPLAUSE

0:41:000:41:03

Rob Beckett. Yes.

0:41:040:41:08

Up next, a very good friend of mine. She's been smashing Edinburgh.

0:41:080:41:11

-I know you're going to love her. Please welcome Suzi Ruffell.

-APPLAUSE

0:41:110:41:17

Good evening, Edinburgh. How are we doing? Are we well?

0:41:170:41:21

Give me a cheer if you're drinking tonight. CHEERS

0:41:210:41:25

I've been drinking too much at the festival. I've woken up too many times at this festival like this.

0:41:250:41:30

"Oh, God. Oh, God, this is it. This might be how I go.

0:41:300:41:34

"My tombstone might actually say Suzi Ruffell, Jagered to death."

0:41:340:41:39

My next thought when I'm that hungover, anxiety is off the charts

0:41:390:41:43

because I'm worried about what happened the night before. And do you know how I find out what happened?

0:41:430:41:48

Online banking. Let's find out what happened last night.

0:41:480:41:52

I've spent £106 in a Wetherspoon's.

0:41:520:41:57

How did I spend £106 in a Wetherspoon's?

0:41:580:42:04

Do I now own a Wetherspoon's?

0:42:040:42:06

We're drawing to the end of the festival now. I'm kind of ready to go home. I'm getting a bit homesick.

0:42:060:42:12

I'm looking forward to having a week at home with my mum and dad. I had to go home recently.

0:42:120:42:17

My dad rang me up in the middle of the night, he said,

0:42:170:42:20

"You've got to get home as quickly as you possibly can. Your nan has had a fall." I thought the worst.

0:42:200:42:25

I got down there as quickly as I could. When I got there, she was in the hospital.

0:42:250:42:29

I walked in, there she was.

0:42:290:42:32

She was blue, bruised, she looked horrendous. I walked in, she opened her eyes and she recognised me.

0:42:320:42:37

And then she beckoned me towards her.

0:42:370:42:40

I thought, "My nan is about to impart some sort of wisdom on me.

0:42:400:42:43

"She's about to tell me what 80 years on this Earth has taught her."

0:42:430:42:47

She took off her air mask and said,

0:42:470:42:49

"See that woman over there?

0:42:490:42:54

"See how she's got a really long neck?

0:42:550:43:00

"The whole of her family are like that."

0:43:010:43:05

And then she put her mask back on. It was like, "Nurse, she is gossiping. I think she's ready to go home."

0:43:070:43:13

She was in her 80s, that was all she was really living for.

0:43:130:43:17

Not long before she died, me and my cousins were around her bed and she was in and out of consciousness.

0:43:170:43:23

None of us knew what to do until my cousin Holly had the best idea.

0:43:230:43:27

She leant in and went, "Nan, Nan, guess who's got fat."

0:43:270:43:31

Boom. She stayed with us for another two weeks.

0:43:310:43:34

Incredible. Her last words were quite special.

0:43:340:43:39

She looked my dad square the eyes and said, "Tell that nurse she needs a bra."

0:43:390:43:44

If you need any more convincing that old people don't care any more,

0:43:440:43:49

go to your local leisure centre.

0:43:490:43:51

There will always be one old lady in there completely naked, no matter what time of the day it is.

0:43:510:43:56

I'm starting to think she lives inside a locker and waits for people. "Hello, here I am!"

0:43:560:44:02

She'll have a bush that rivals Kew Gardens, just massive. She'll keep things in there.

0:44:020:44:07

She'll have a pound for her locker, her swimming costume, she'll get out of it.

0:44:070:44:11

She was on her way to an aqua aerobics class.

0:44:110:44:15

I'd never been to an aqua aerobics class,

0:44:150:44:18

but if you haven't been,

0:44:180:44:20

what it is is old ladies slow motion dancing, immersed in water.

0:44:200:44:24

At my gym, they thought they would couple this

0:44:240:44:26

with hard house dance music.

0:44:260:44:29

The music they put on was something like, mm-tsh, mm-tsh, mm-tsh, mm-tsh, mm-tsh, mm-tsh.

0:44:290:44:35

And just old ladies doing this.

0:44:350:44:38

It was like a rave scene from Cocoon. They were moving so slowly,

0:44:440:44:48

if you had swapped water for formaldehyde, put it in the Tate,

0:44:480:44:51

everyone would have thought it was Damien Hirst.

0:44:510:44:54

It was a piece of art, a genuinely was.

0:44:540:44:57

You have been delightful. My name is Suzi Ruffell. Thank you. Good night.

0:44:570:45:01

APPLAUSE

0:45:010:45:03

Suzi Ruffell.

0:45:030:45:06

This next act is a very good friend of mine.

0:45:060:45:10

I've been touring the country with him. He makes me laugh so much. Give it up for Marlon Davis.

0:45:100:45:15

APPLAUSE

0:45:150:45:18

Hello.

0:45:200:45:23

-Hello, Edinburgh. You all well? AUDIENCE:

-Yes.

0:45:230:45:26

I'm OK myself. I've been up here for the Fringe Festival.

0:45:260:45:29

I have to keep in contact with my mum back home.

0:45:290:45:32

I call home and I cross my fingers,

0:45:320:45:34

hoping that my stepfather doesn't answer the phone.

0:45:340:45:37

You guys don't know him,

0:45:370:45:39

but he's kind of like Trigger from Only Fools And Horses.

0:45:390:45:43

He's a nice guy but... I phone home, I'm like, "Hello."

0:45:430:45:47

"Hello. Who is it?"

0:45:470:45:49

"It's Marlon." "Marlon? Marlon is not here."

0:45:490:45:53

"Yeah, I know. It's me." "It's me? Who is it's me?

0:45:560:46:00

"Is this a prank call?

0:46:000:46:02

"Who is this?" I'm like, "Jesus, man!" "Jesus?

0:46:020:46:06

"On the phone? I didn't know it was going to be like this.

0:46:060:46:12

"What do you want?" "Is my mum there?" "Mary?" "No!"

0:46:120:46:17

Wrong telephone number.

0:46:230:46:25

All of us in this room right now, even in these credit crunchy times,

0:46:250:46:29

it's still great because this is the best time ever to be alive right now.

0:46:290:46:33

The best time ever. You've got all these things that's available to us.

0:46:330:46:37

You've got things like the iPhone.

0:46:370:46:39

And I say the iPhone, you're like, "Uh." It's the iPhone, synonymous with our culture right now.

0:46:390:46:43

That's how we live. But the iPhone is amazing. The way how it is.

0:46:430:46:47

It came out in 2007.

0:46:470:46:50

I don't know what my life was like before the iPhone.

0:46:500:46:53

I had to Google it.

0:46:530:46:54

Because we Google everything right now.

0:46:560:46:59

We don't think for ourselves whatsoever at all.

0:46:590:47:01

You have an argument with someone, I'm right, you're wrong, I'm right, you're wrong. We Google it.

0:47:010:47:06

Even if I'm sick, I go online now to the web doctor,

0:47:060:47:10

find out what's wrong with me instantly.

0:47:100:47:12

Something was wrong with me around this area,

0:47:120:47:15

didn't know what it was, typed it out into Google,

0:47:150:47:17

turns out I've got a bad knee.

0:47:170:47:18

I found out straight away. It's a bad knee. I don't actually have to think for myself. It's great.

0:47:180:47:25

It's fast, it's efficient. I hate going to the real doctors.

0:47:250:47:29

I've been filling out forms for my whole entire life saying this person is my doctor.

0:47:290:47:34

I ain't seen the shyster since I've been three years old. Who is this guy?

0:47:340:47:39

Every time I go to the doctors it's another person sat in his seat,

0:47:390:47:43

"How can I help you?" By finding my bloody doctor.

0:47:430:47:47

That's what I want to say, but I turn into a wimp. "No, the problem hurts me around this area."

0:47:470:47:53

He goes, "Let me have a look at it." I close my eyes and I'm wincing.

0:47:530:47:57

No-one's touched my leg for at least a minute.

0:47:570:48:00

I open my eyes and he's on Google.

0:48:000:48:02

"What are you doing?" "I don't know. It turns out you've got a bad knee."

0:48:040:48:08

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Marlon Davis. Thank you very much. Good night.

0:48:080:48:13

APPLAUSE

0:48:130:48:15

Marlon Davis.

0:48:180:48:20

Yes.

0:48:210:48:22

Next up, please welcome a very funny man, a good friend of mine,

0:48:220:48:26

fantastic comedian, John Gordillo.

0:48:260:48:28

APPLAUSE

0:48:280:48:30

Hello. Good evening. Thank you very much.

0:48:350:48:39

I'm watching all of the different shows and posters.

0:48:390:48:42

Everything just has sensational reviews. Everything has five stars.

0:48:420:48:46

How can you decide what's good? It's not like the Fringe,

0:48:460:48:50

there's something for everyone. It's that there's someone for everything.

0:48:500:48:54

That's the reality of the situation. And anything can be reviewed.

0:48:540:48:58

There is nothing that cannot get a review.

0:48:580:49:01

If you buy a book off Amazon, you can review the book,

0:49:010:49:04

but it's more screwed up because you can leave reviews

0:49:040:49:08

for the person who put the book in the envelope.

0:49:080:49:12

And sent it. They get a review. People are reviewing that.

0:49:120:49:16

You go and you have a look at these reviews,

0:49:160:49:19

every review on there is five stars.

0:49:190:49:22

I'm sure not sure you understand the true abhorrence that I feel as a comedian right now.

0:49:220:49:27

Do you realise what it takes to take get a five star review in our game?

0:49:270:49:30

That's impossible.

0:49:300:49:32

You need jokes, delivery, structure, the X factor...

0:49:320:49:36

You can't give five stars to a man putting a book in an envelope.

0:49:360:49:41

There aren't five things to do in the whole... I'm just going to read...

0:49:430:49:47

I just copied some of the reviews down. Genuine reviews.

0:49:470:49:52

"Five stars, well sealed and correctly addressed."

0:49:520:49:57

"Five stars, item arrived as described."

0:50:030:50:07

How is having your most basic expectations met a five-star experience?

0:50:090:50:13

What do you have to get to get four stars? "Book did not arrive, four stars."

0:50:130:50:18

"Five stars, I don't know how they do it."

0:50:200:50:24

I've copied something out of the paper the other day. I'd like to read it to you.

0:50:250:50:30

"Mieczyslaw Weinberg wrote much impassioned music in Moscow during his lifetime.

0:50:300:50:35

"His 1967 Requiem had to wait 45 years for its UK premiere

0:50:360:50:41

"last Saturday in a meticulously delivered recital

0:50:410:50:45

"by the Royal Liverpool Philharmonic Orchestra, the choristers of Liverpool Cathedral

0:50:450:50:51

"and an outstanding Lithuanian soprano, Asmik Grigorian.

0:50:510:50:56

"Tolling bells underline dark passages

0:50:570:51:02

"and the overall mood is of numbed bleakness.

0:51:020:51:06

"This feels like a Requiem, not just for one's soul

0:51:060:51:11

"but for a self-destructive species.

0:51:110:51:15

"Three stars."

0:51:150:51:17

APPLAUSE

0:51:200:51:22

But a man puts a book in an envelope...

0:51:320:51:35

Thank you very much. Have a great festival.

0:51:370:51:40

APPLAUSE

0:51:400:51:43

John Gordillo.

0:51:430:51:45

Give it up for this next guy. He's been ripping Edinburgh.

0:51:470:51:50

You're going to love him. Hal Cruttenden.

0:51:500:51:53

APPLAUSE

0:51:530:51:55

Thank you very much. Lovely to be here. Lovely to be in Edinburgh.

0:51:560:52:02

It's not as rough as Glasgow, is it?

0:52:020:52:05

You think you are. "We've got a terrible heroin problem."

0:52:060:52:09

But you've also got the biggest arts festival in the world here.

0:52:090:52:14

You can't help but be a little bit Sheila Showbiz, can you?

0:52:140:52:18

It is lovely. I love Scotland. I love the Scottish accent.

0:52:190:52:23

A lot of English people are frightened of it.

0:52:230:52:25

I'm not. I'm married to a Northern Irish woman.

0:52:250:52:28

That is the most frightening accent in the world.

0:52:280:52:31

My wife scares me when she's being loving. "I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH!"

0:52:310:52:35

"OK, great, Cheers."

0:52:350:52:38

"I WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU!"

0:52:380:52:41

"OK, we'll do that."

0:52:410:52:44

"I FEEL SAFE WHEN I'M WITH YOU!"

0:52:480:52:49

"That's ironic. Erm..."

0:52:510:52:53

They've got a north-south divide in Ireland, we have a north-south divide in England actually.

0:52:550:53:00

Any northern English people here? Yeah?

0:53:000:53:03

Do you believe in the north-south divide in England? I do.

0:53:030:53:07

Let's build a wall, make it official. Yeah?

0:53:070:53:09

Obviously, you can build it. We'll pay for it.

0:53:090:53:12

It's based on stereotypes. All this is based on stereotypes.

0:53:160:53:20

I have relatives from Grimsby who come to London where I live

0:53:200:53:23

and they look for it to fulfil its stereotype.

0:53:230:53:26

They walk round London going, "It's so unfriendly. No-one chats to each other."

0:53:260:53:32

I say to them, "Why this constant need to chat in Grimsby?

0:53:320:53:36

"If there was a little less chat and a bit more reading...

0:53:380:53:44

"Grimsby could be a cultural and economic superpower, it really could."

0:53:470:53:53

But there's an assumption that London's unfriendly, London is rich. London has rich people.

0:53:530:53:59

It also has the biggest concentration of poverty in the UK. Not me, thank God. God, no.

0:53:590:54:04

No, no. This goes tits up, Mummy bails me out.

0:54:060:54:11

But we've had the Olympics, of course, in London.

0:54:140:54:17

Scotland got a quarter of Team GB's gold medals.

0:54:170:54:22

CHEERING

0:54:220:54:24

Aren't you sporty...

0:54:240:54:26

when you steer clear of football?

0:54:260:54:28

No, it does make... It was so exciting to see people in minority sports. They're so excited.

0:54:320:54:38

So many of our top sports people in the well-known sports are so dull.

0:54:380:54:42

Tennis players are such dull whingers.

0:54:420:54:46

Even Andy Murray, I know he's lovely.

0:54:460:54:48

He's shown emotion this year but most of the time he's just a dull whinger.

0:54:480:54:52

He is.

0:54:520:54:54

"My backhand wasn't going so well and I wasn't moving around the court

0:54:540:54:57

"and I tried to grow a beard. It's just bumfluff."

0:54:570:55:00

"I don't even like tennis. I'm just too scared to tell my mum."

0:55:050:55:09

She is frightening, isn't she? "Win for me, Andy! For me!"

0:55:150:55:19

Tennis players, they're boring.

0:55:230:55:25

Footballers are of course the biggest bastards.

0:55:250:55:27

As an Englishman, it's very hard to support the England football team. They're such a bunch of bastards.

0:55:270:55:33

You watch them walk out on the field before the game, they all walk out

0:55:330:55:37

with a small child, little mascot, to show that they're nice guys.

0:55:370:55:40

Those are children from extramarital affairs. You know that, don't you?

0:55:400:55:46

It's the only time they see them. They're walking out, "How was school?

0:55:470:55:53

"Is school going well" "Who are you?" They're bastards!

0:55:530:55:55

APPLAUSE

0:55:550:55:58

You've been lovely. Thank you very much. Thank you.

0:55:580:56:01

APPLAUSE

0:56:010:56:06

Hal Cruttenden. We love Hal.

0:56:060:56:10

Ladies and gentlemen, you've been brilliant, thanks for watching.

0:56:100:56:14

I've been Seann Walsh. This has been Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live. Good night.

0:56:140:56:18

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:56:180:56:21

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0:56:240:56:27

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