Episode 2 Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live


Episode 2

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Transcript


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It's Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live!

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Please welcome your host, Josh Widdicombe!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Good evening!

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-Yes, Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live, are we well?

-Yes!

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My highlight of the festival so far was I was in a bookshop on the high street

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and I heard a woman on the phone to a friend go,

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"Come and meet me. Where am I? I'm in a shop."

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"What's it called? Er, Waterspoons."

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If there were ever two shops that shouldn't be combined, it's those!

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Those are two very different levels.

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"Where shall I meet you?" "Kentucky Fried Specsavers."

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I was thinking about it, cos I've just moved.

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I've moved near one of those Wetherspoons that's trying to be a bit posh.

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One of the things they've done is on one wall they have shelves of classic hardback novels.

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Who is that for?

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Who's going in and going, "Finally, I can combine my twin interests

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"of Charles Dickens and Jagerbombs!"?

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LAUGHTER

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"I've just been on a two-week bender." "What did you do?"

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"I read Martin Chuzzlewit."

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"And I had two curry clubs. It was the best fortnight of my life!"

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If I am drinking, I don't want to read.

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If it's 11pm and I'm hammered,

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never do I go, "Let's hit the library with this one!"

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Waking up the next day going, "Bloody hell, I only went out for a short story

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"and I read three novels. I am absolutely mental."

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I do still read books. I haven't got a Kindle. I don't trust technology.

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I think technology's making things more difficult.

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I don't know if you've tried signing for a parcel recently.

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KNOWING LAUGHTER

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It used to be simple, didn't it?

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Pen, piece of paper - lovely.

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Now what I get is a digital screen

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and a plastic stick!

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And all I can do is a zig-zag up and down line!

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LAUGHTER

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It bears no relation to any signature anyone has ever done in their life!

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Is that your signature? No.

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It looks like the Mark of Zorro!

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Are there people checking this at the Post Office,

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going, "I have bad news -

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"Zorro is back.

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"And he's signing for every parcel in the United Kingdom!"

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We didn't have technology like this when I was growing up.

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The closest I got to advanced technology when I was growing up

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was putting a buttercup underneath another child's chin!

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To see if it reflected back and they liked butter.

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Correct me if I'm wrong. If you're that close, just ask!

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No-one's keeping that information to themselves.

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"Steve, do you like butter?" "Not telling you that, mate! It's a secret!"

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No-one's being interrogated about that at Guantanamo Bay.

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"He's not cracking under questioning. Fetch the buttercup!

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"Don't worry. He's tied down with a daisy chain. He is going nowhere."

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"How long has he been here? Let me check by blowing the seeds off this dandelion.

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"Since one o'clock."

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What is the use? The only use I can think

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is if you're making breakfast for a mute.

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In that case, a buttercup's very useful indeed.

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What do you want on your toast?

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I'll go and get the Anchor. Thank you very much, Mr Buttercup!

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Are we ready for our first act of the night?

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-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

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He's a Edinburgh Festival institution.

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You'll love him. The wonderful Mark Watson!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Thank you!

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Lovely big crowd, big theatre and everything.

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My granddad would have been proud of this.

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My granddad used to sometimes give me a bit of a pep talk,

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like your granddad does.

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He'd say, "Mark, you might not be the cleverest boy in the school,

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"you might not leave with the best grades.

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"You might not get the best job, earn the most money.

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"You might not drive the fastest car, have the most beautiful children,

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"have the most glamorous wife, the most spectacular holidays.

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"You might not have the most amazing life.

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"Anyway, good luck!"

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I myself am a dad now. What a responsibility!

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By God, people make you feel inadequate a lot when you're a dad.

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Some of you, I'm sure. Who's got a baby or a kid?

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SPARSE CHEERS Precisely. You can no longer do anything with your life.

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All of you that replied "yes" are at home.

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You know, it's hard.

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They cry an awful lot.

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Babies are lovely, but they're idiots. This is the elephant in the room.

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They don't know anything, they overreact massively to situations with clear solutions...

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They've never got any money on them.

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People are always looking at you.

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As a mum, you at least look capable.

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As a dad, you've never got the right blanket,

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you've not got tits - you just look like an idiot.

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You're pushing the baby along and someone will look at you -

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I mean pushing him in a pram, obviously!

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If you're shoving him face-down into a sandpit

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then you can expect some negative feedback.

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I mean, everything is logged and registered these days.

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Our kid was in a census, two years ago. He was four months old.

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So they sent him a form. He didn't get round to doing it.

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They sent him, genuinely, another form, with a letter saying,

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"We will fine you £1,000", which is a lot of money for a baby.

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Once more, he took it really badly.

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I came downstairs, he was sobbing, putting some teddy bears on eBay.

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So I rang them and said, "You're not going to get this form back. He's four months old."

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Even then, I had to fill it out. They wouldn't just let it go.

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They said, "Name, fine. Age, four months."

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Question three. "What is his usual occupation?

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Or, "How does he spend the majority of his time in the UK?"

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"Well, sitting in front of the TV, sliding around in his own poo, basically."

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So they've got him down as "student" now.

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Obviously, you become paranoid. What if I'm raising a bad kid?

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What if he's a racist? I'm worried he could be a racist.

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It's early days. He's only four months at the time this happened,

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but it's happened three times, actually,

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that he's seen a black guy and been very hostile to them.

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The first time, he was trying to get out of his pram

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to hit this guy in the face.

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Luckily, the guy was really nice, he made a joke of it.

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He said, "Oh! Your son's obviously a racist."

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Which, certainly in London, is a brave joke to make about a stranger's kid,

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but it worked, it broke the ice, we all relaxed.

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Fine. Second time it happened, I made the same joke. Not as funny.

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You have to be the black guy in the equation for that joke to work, really.

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By the third time I was expecting it, I was ready.

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I said, "Oh, it's not just you, he does this with all black people."

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Even that didn't defuse the tension the way I'd hoped.

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What am I going to do in terms of setting an example to a kid?

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I'm a terrible person. I'm always on my own, touring,

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getting drunk in some hotel -

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which is quite easy to do, to be fair.

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You'll know this. If you're on your own,

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you have these little rhymes in your head to reassure you.

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I'm sure you grew up with these like I did.

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"Beer before wine, you should be fine.

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"Wine before beer, you should be fine."

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Yes. Surprising how many of them end in "fine".

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Two bottles of wine, crying and masturbating in a Durham Travelodge.

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Fine!

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I should say that last bit was a joke.

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Travelodge! Good Lord, I've got some pride!

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Thanks very much for listening. My name's Mark Watson. Thank you! Bye!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Mark Watson!

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-Ready for our next act? AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

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He's brilliant, one of my favourites. Please welcome Neil Delamere!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Hello, Edinburgh. Great to be back in Edinburgh

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where an audience will screw you over

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if you ask them the wrong question.

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I did a gig last night and said to the guy in the front row,

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"Have you ever played a practical joke on your missus?" He went, "Oh, yeah.

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"She loves ballet, so I said we'll go to the ballet,

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"but we went to something completely different."

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I said, "When was that?"

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He went, "Tonight."

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I said, "Have you ever played a practical joke on your husband?" She said, "Yeah, yeah.

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"He thinks the eldest is his!"

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LAUGHTER

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And she went, "Oh!"

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It was horrible, cos they were my parents. So, erm...

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It's not my first time here. Last year I came here and bought a bike.

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It's a great city for that. Edinburgh's the only city in the world

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where your cycle both to and from any destination is entirely uphill!

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I don't know how you manage that. It's like an Escher painting in this bleeding town.

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So I got the bike and I was cycling up, you know the Edinburgh Fringe Festival,

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you know it's quite stressful for us in a comedic way.

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We pay for our posters to be put up and our flyers to be handed out.

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So on the last night I was cycling home, hammered.

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I don't normally do this. Breaking red lights at four in the morning,

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when I became suspicious that there might be a police car behind me.

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Because I could see that there was a police car behind me.

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I'm quite bright like that. And he pulled me over.

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I don't know why he stopped me - I don't know how he saw me,

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I didn't have any lights.

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LAUGHTER

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He pulled me over and he started with the questions,

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halfway down Leith Walk.

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He started with a question. Cops all over the world like to start with a question,

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in case you give more away accidentally.

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Has it ever worked for them ever before?

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You're pulled over in a bus lane. "Do you know why I stopped you?"

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"Is this about the murder?

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"Oh, it's not?

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"Oh, I think I've said too much!"

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"Don't check the boot."

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He goes, "Do you know how many red lights you broke? Seven.

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"The one at Royal Mile and South Bridge, that's a dangerous junction."

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I did what any Irish person does abroad - you think,

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"If he knows I'm Irish and foreign, I might get away with this."

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So I went, "Begorrah, Bejasus, a-fiddley-diddly-diddly-dee"

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and River Danced away from the bicycle.

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He heard the accent and he went,

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"Oh, would you cycle through a red light at home, would you?"

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I went, "No, Officer, no!

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HE SLURS: "I've got a car at home."

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LAUGHTER

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He said, "Why did you break the red light?"

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"What a stupid question. Cos the green one was making me homesick."

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He said, "That's a £60 fine now, if I were a total bastard."

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So I went, "So it's a £60 fine, then?"

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LAUGHTER

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He didn't laugh like you're laughing, ladies and gentlemen.

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I don't know if you've ever gotten a police escort to a bank machine...

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I took the £60 out. You're cycling along, he's driving behind you.

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You've a big heavy bike and he's driving a squad car at two miles an hour.

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You're stopping at every red light cos you're not a total gobshite.

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But you're still pissed enough to go, "Will we race?!"

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He's still not laughing.

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I withdraw the £60. I hand it to him. I want no record of this, though.

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He goes, "What's your name?" "J-John Smith."

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He goes, "Really? It's an offence to lie to a police officer."

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"No, it's John Smith. Write it down, copper!"

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Cos I was getting excited at this point. "Write it down!"

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He goes, "If your name's John Smith, why does it say

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"Neil Delamere" on that poster with your picture behind your head?"

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I had stopped in front of my own Edinburgh Fringe Festival poster.

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I was so embarrassed. He was livid!

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The people in my rickshaw...

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a pleasure to talk to you tonight.

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I'm Neil Delamere. Thanks very much. Bye-bye!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Neil Delamere!

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-Are you ready for our next act? AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

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He's an Edinburgh legend.

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Please welcome the wonderful David O'Doherty!

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PLAYS A FEW CHORDS

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This song is called Life.

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# Life, life

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# Life, life-life

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# Lifey-lifey-life

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# Life, life

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# Life, life-life...oh no

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# Eugh! Oh, God!

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# Oh, no, actually, it's OK!

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# Oh, no it's not

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# Oh, God, no, aghh!

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# No, really?! This again?! Aghh!

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# And then you die.

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# Life is a marathon

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# Not a sprint

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# But it's a sort of marathon that you have to sprint

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# And there's hurdles and weights to lift

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# And cycling and archery

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# And synchronised swimming and horse dancing

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# Life's basically the Olympics

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# But in the end you don't get a medal

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# You die

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# Life! What are you?

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# Are you just the accumulation of obsolete mobile phone chargers

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# And reusable shopping bags?

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# Current total nine of one

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# Almost 40 of the other

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# I will never need that many shopping bags in my entire life

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# And now they're all stuffed in one cupboard together

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# So if I need to get one out They all avalanche on top of me

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# One time they could actually suffocate me

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# Ironic to be killed by a bag for life

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# Life is hard, you know?

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# But no-one ever talks about it It's never mentioned in songs

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# All songs should have to have some reference to life being hard

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# Within the song

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# Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you

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# But the rate of prostate cancer In men over the age of 85

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# Is 100%

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# It's just benign in some

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# An actual doctor told me that recently, that is true

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# Holy...

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# And because no-one talks about it being hard

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# I think you then think you're the only one who finds it hard

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# I bet everyone finds it equally hard

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# I bet once a year Roger Federer is sitting at a change of ends

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# And he looks down at his banana in this hand

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# And his graphite racket in the other

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# And he looks up at the umpire in the high chair

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# And he looks and sees the ring of giant novelty tennis balls

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# Around the top of the stadium

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# And just for a moment, Roger Federer thinks to himself

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# I'm 31 years old

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# What am I doing with my life?

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# This is basically just a game like Hungry Hungry Hippos

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# Don't get me wrong, there's brilliant bits

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# Like when you see someone you haven't seen for a while

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# Or you get drunk unexpectedly

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# You go for a cycle and do drunk cycling

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# Or you go to an incredible Fringe festival

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# Or a show that's amazing

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# But often when you go back outside again

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# You find that someone's set your bike on fire

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# That actually happened to me recently, that is not a metaphor

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# How would you set my bike on fi...

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# Why would you set my bike on fire?

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# And it was raining

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# Oh-oh Dublin

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# Somewhere over the rainbow

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# I bet life is just as hard as it is on this side of the rainbow

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# That side you can't even see the bloody rainbow,

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# It's an optical illusion

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# And who knows, it's even more homophobic on that side of the rainbow

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# Let's just stay on this side

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# And let's all of us, even just for tonight

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# Let's all... Let's just try and have a nice time. #

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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David O'Doherty!

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-Are you ready for our next act?

-Yes!

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From Norway, it's the brilliant Daniel Simonsen!

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-Hello! AUDIENCE:

-Hello!

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Hey, how you doing?

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I'm Daniel. I'm from Norway.

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So that's pretty funny.

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LAUGHTER

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I'm a comedian. I think stand-up is a little bit stupid.

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You know what I mean?

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Some guy with a microphone, trying to get the crowd going.

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"So, how you guys doing?

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"Is it a good mood in the crowd?

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"Anybody been to the bank?"

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I would never talk like that in real life.

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Like if I was in a dinner at somebody's house,

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"So, how we doing around the dinner table?

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"Enjoying the spaghetti?"

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"Anybody been to the bank?"

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I went to the bank the other day.

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But it was closed, so I went home.

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What's so disappointing with that joke

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is that it would have been better if the bank was open.

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And something funny happened.

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But it was just closed, so it really sucks for you guys.

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You know, in Norway, there's only one comedy club in the whole country.

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That nobody goes to.

0:17:590:18:02

And the best Norwegian comedian, he is really shit.

0:18:030:18:06

And he's dressed as a cat on the stage.

0:18:080:18:11

"Miaow!

0:18:110:18:13

"Miaow, miaow, miaow, miaow!

0:18:140:18:17

"Miaow, miaow, miaow, miaow, miaow!

0:18:170:18:20

"Miaow, miaow, miaow."

0:18:200:18:22

And that guy is me.

0:18:220:18:23

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:18:230:18:26

I really love to perform in Norway because even when you really suck,

0:18:310:18:36

they pretend they think you're funny,

0:18:360:18:39

because they feel so embarrassed on your behalf.

0:18:390:18:42

They just go, "Ho, ho. Yah!"

0:18:420:18:45

But here in Britain, they just let you die.

0:18:470:18:49

And then they write about you on Twitter.

0:18:520:18:54

I think often people exaggerate how funny things is.

0:18:560:19:00

They come out of a comedy show, they're all pumped.

0:19:000:19:02

"Man, it was the best thing I ever seen in my life.

0:19:020:19:07

"I couldn't stop laughing.

0:19:070:19:09

"I thought I was going to die.

0:19:090:19:11

"And my balls came out of my mouth."

0:19:110:19:14

My friend always says this.

0:19:170:19:18

He always says, "Man, it was so funny that I shat myself."

0:19:180:19:22

But I think if that actually happened,

0:19:250:19:28

you wouldn't tell it to anybody.

0:19:280:19:30

He'd be sitting there - "Ha-ha-ha! Ha... I have to go home."

0:19:320:19:36

I was talking about cats, right. I live with a cat.

0:19:430:19:48

And he's always throwing up.

0:19:480:19:50

But nothing comes out of his mouth.

0:19:510:19:54

He just makes a noise.

0:19:540:19:57

This is how he throws up.

0:19:570:19:59

"Haaa!"

0:19:590:20:00

All over the furniture. "Haaa!"

0:20:020:20:05

But the couch is spotless afterwards.

0:20:060:20:08

But then I took him to the vet and he said it's not throwing up.

0:20:100:20:13

It's just how he says, "Miaow!"

0:20:130:20:16

He has a speech impediment.

0:20:200:20:23

"Haaa!"

0:20:230:20:25

Hey, guys, thank you so much. Take care!

0:20:250:20:28

Daniel Simonsen!

0:20:320:20:33

-Are we ready for our next act? AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

0:20:340:20:37

She's a star at Edinburgh every year.

0:20:370:20:39

Please welcome the wonderful Shappi Khorsandi!

0:20:390:20:41

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:20:410:20:43

Good evening!

0:20:460:20:48

-Are you having a nice Edinburgh? AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

0:20:480:20:50

It's at that fraught time of Edinburgh for me.

0:20:500:20:53

I got very drunk last night.

0:20:530:20:54

I don't know if you've ever done this,

0:20:540:20:56

but I snogged a puppeteer.

0:20:560:20:58

Like a proper ventriloquist bloke.

0:20:580:21:01

I was drunk in The Meadows here, in Edinburgh, at three o'clock in the morning.

0:21:010:21:05

And he started to put his hand up my dress.

0:21:050:21:10

I thought, "Mate, you're not at work now!"

0:21:100:21:13

But you know when you're really drunk, and someone's being very persistent,

0:21:130:21:17

eventually you go, "Sod it. If you can't beat them, join them."

0:21:170:21:20

So I went, "That's the way to do it!"

0:21:200:21:22

Have you ever had one of those nights when you've been so drunk,

0:21:260:21:29

and behaved so badly,

0:21:290:21:31

that the next day you're convinced they're going to report it on the news?

0:21:310:21:36

"A 38-year-old mother of one

0:21:360:21:37

"was found upside-down in a wheelie bin outside Edinburgh Waverley station

0:21:370:21:41

"singing I Will Survive.

0:21:410:21:43

"Eye-witnesses reported a man of 24..."

0:21:440:21:47

He was 24, for heaven's sake!

0:21:470:21:49

I didn't realise that till I saw the news.

0:21:490:21:52

"..calling her a taxi without moving his lips."

0:21:520:21:56

I'm a single mum and it's tough dating when you're a single mum.

0:21:560:21:59

Single dads are different.

0:21:590:22:01

I hope I'm not insulting any men in the audience,

0:22:010:22:03

but when women see a single dad they often go, "Oh, look at him.

0:22:030:22:06

"He's so good with his children.

0:22:060:22:09

"He works so hard. He copes so beautifully with them every other weekend."

0:22:090:22:14

Whereas my ex-boyfriend called my little boy my baggage.

0:22:150:22:19

He's four! He's not baggage, he's hand luggage.

0:22:190:22:23

I have an older brother. I'm the second child.

0:22:240:22:26

My brother is the precious first born. Give me a cheer, first-born children.

0:22:260:22:30

CHEERING

0:22:300:22:32

Applauding yourselves. They're the confident first-borns.

0:22:320:22:35

You're so confident because you first-born children know

0:22:350:22:38

that the reason you exist

0:22:380:22:40

is cos two people fell so madly in love with one another

0:22:400:22:44

that they decided to create a human being out of that love.

0:22:440:22:48

You are made from love. Well done.

0:22:480:22:50

Give me a cheer second-borns, like me.

0:22:500:22:53

CHEERING

0:22:530:22:54

We were not made from love.

0:22:540:22:56

We were made to be toys for the first-born.

0:22:560:23:00

The only reason we exist

0:23:010:23:03

is so that the first-born doesn't get bored on holiday!

0:23:030:23:06

Give me a cheer, third-born children.

0:23:070:23:10

CHEERING

0:23:100:23:12

Not many photos of you!

0:23:120:23:14

My friend's got three. She goes, "By the time the third one comes,

0:23:190:23:23

"you stick it in a bucket and give it barbed wire to chew on."

0:23:230:23:25

I didn't have an easy time when I was a kid.

0:23:280:23:30

I was a fat kid at school.

0:23:300:23:32

It was no fun being the fat kid at primary school.

0:23:320:23:35

We used to play kiss-chase.

0:23:350:23:36

It's a horrible game. All the boys would chase

0:23:360:23:39

the cute Lucys and Rebeccas and they wouldn't chase me

0:23:390:23:43

so there was no need for me to run

0:23:430:23:45

so I stayed fat.

0:23:450:23:46

And some of the dinner ladies realised how tough it was

0:23:460:23:49

for us chunky kids and they decided to introduce other games.

0:23:490:23:53

Piggy-in-the-middle was not the answer.

0:23:530:23:55

I had a teacher at school called Mrs Robertson.

0:23:570:24:00

And she changed my life when I was 14.

0:24:000:24:02

She was really old - about 40.

0:24:020:24:06

And she had a face like a discarded Christmas walnut

0:24:060:24:08

and about five teeth.

0:24:080:24:10

And one of the girls in the class was chatting -

0:24:100:24:13

a beautiful girl that all the boys fancied -

0:24:130:24:15

and Mrs Robertson - I'm about to do a terrible Scottish accent -

0:24:150:24:18

she said, "Karen Skelton, stop your chatter.

0:24:180:24:21

"This is an exam year. You have to concentrate on your studies.

0:24:210:24:25

"You're not going to have that pretty face forever.

0:24:250:24:28

"Look what happened to mine!"

0:24:280:24:31

What a gorgeous thing to say.

0:24:320:24:34

And what a beautiful lesson I learned at 14,

0:24:340:24:37

That it's not about being one of the pretty ones.

0:24:370:24:39

What's really important is to know that walnuts can talk.

0:24:390:24:42

You've been a fantastic crowd! Thank you very much!

0:24:430:24:46

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:24:460:24:48

Shappi Khorsandi!

0:24:520:24:54

CHEERING

0:24:540:24:55

The next act is a favourite. He's brilliant.

0:24:570:24:59

Please welcome the wonderful Andrew Lawrence!

0:24:590:25:01

Thank you very much! Nice to be here.

0:25:080:25:10

I've got a suit on. My agent makes me wear this suit.

0:25:100:25:13

She says, "It makes you look respectable, Andrew."

0:25:130:25:16

Ludicrous! I haven't even got any underpants on! How could I be respectable?

0:25:160:25:19

Clothes don't really work for me, to be honest. I've got a peculiar bum.

0:25:200:25:23

Trousers/ belt combination don't really work at all.

0:25:230:25:27

I'm out in public, my trousers falling down, pubes hanging out.

0:25:270:25:31

Trousers round my ankles. Degrading. The police hassle me.

0:25:310:25:34

"I can't do anything about it, Officer. Trousers don't work for me."

0:25:340:25:37

"That's all very well, Mr Lawrence.

0:25:370:25:39

Doesn't explain what you're doing in Mothercare."

0:25:390:25:41

I suppose it doesn't.

0:25:430:25:45

I know someone who's trying to organise a speed groping night.

0:25:460:25:49

Don't know if it'll happen - it's touch and go.

0:25:500:25:52

Some of these jokes are just going to be for me, to be honest!

0:25:540:25:58

Lovely to be here. Quite a mixed audience. Plenty of young people.

0:25:580:26:01

One or two coffin-dodgers scattered about.

0:26:010:26:04

I like it. People get old and then they die.

0:26:040:26:07

That's the nature of existence.

0:26:070:26:08

It was my dad's birthday recently, had to buy him a birthday card.

0:26:080:26:11

Very difficult, birthday cards. They're all the same, aren't they?

0:26:110:26:14

"To the world's best dad." "To an amazing dad."

0:26:140:26:17

"An incredible mum." "Fantastic mum."

0:26:170:26:20

Lovely sentiments. Sometimes you want something a bit more sincere.

0:26:200:26:23

Like, "Dear Mum, you raised me on crispy pancakes,

0:26:230:26:27

stunted my growth, still upset.

0:26:270:26:30

"Happy birthday."

0:26:300:26:32

"Dear Dad, every time I tried to do my homework,

0:26:340:26:37

"you'd be in the next room watching TV at full volume.

0:26:370:26:39

"Difficult to concentrate. Now I'm an idiot.

0:26:390:26:41

"Happy birthday."

0:26:410:26:43

Lovely to be in Scotland. I love it. Edinburgh, beautiful city.

0:26:460:26:50

I could see myself living here. Fortunately, I don't have to.

0:26:500:26:52

I can afford London. But if I was...

0:26:520:26:54

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:26:540:26:56

But if I was struggling I'd come and live here. Why not?

0:26:560:27:00

Give me a cheer if you're Scottish.

0:27:000:27:01

CHEER

0:27:010:27:03

Feel free to hackle me. I can't guarantee

0:27:030:27:05

I'll come back at you with a witty instant put-down.

0:27:050:27:08

A lot of the time I simply can't understand what you people are trying to say.

0:27:080:27:11

IMITATES SCOTTISH ACCENT

0:27:110:27:14

I don't even like shortbread.

0:27:140:27:16

Trying to look after myself while I'm in Edinburgh. Failing. I've been eating a lot of junk.

0:27:180:27:22

There's a lot of junk food around, constantly advertised on the television.

0:27:220:27:26

"Have you tried new Sugary Biscuity Chocolate Cack?

0:27:260:27:29

"It's the perfect snack before breakfast, during breakfast, after breakfast,

0:27:290:27:32

"in the toilet while you self-harm."

0:27:320:27:35

LAUGHTER

0:27:350:27:36

"On the train to work, at your desk,

0:27:360:27:38

"in the stationery cupboard, silently weeping.

0:27:380:27:41

"Before lunch, during lunch, after lunch.

0:27:410:27:43

"In the staff room, you smack your head against the sink

0:27:430:27:45

"trying to induce brain damage.

0:27:450:27:47

"On the train home, crying in the bath.

0:27:470:27:49

"In the night you wake up having a panic attack.

0:27:490:27:51

"Sugary Biscuity Chocolate Cack.

0:27:510:27:53

"It's full of all sorts of things that don't actually exist in nature.

0:27:530:27:57

"Are you suffering from acne? Putting on weight around your tummy and thighs?

0:27:570:28:00

"Perhaps you're not eating enough Sugary Biscuity Chocolate Cack.

0:28:000:28:03

"Suffering from clinical depression?

0:28:030:28:05

"Why not slump down in front of the TV for 18 hours a day

0:28:050:28:08

"eating Sugary Biscuity Chocolate Cack contemplating suicide.

0:28:080:28:11

"No longer physically or mentally able to leave the house?

0:28:110:28:14

"Why not order some Sugary Biscuity Chocolate Cack online?

0:28:140:28:16

"Delivered super-fast in two working days.

0:28:160:28:18

"Keep on eating Sugary Biscuity Chocolate Cack

0:28:180:28:21

"until you're riddled with disease, disability,

0:28:210:28:24

"death comes to you 20 years earlier than you anticipated.

0:28:240:28:26

"Remember, it's our policy here

0:28:260:28:28

at the Sugary Biscuity Chocolate Cack factory

0:28:280:28:30

"to turn over as much profit as possible.

0:28:300:28:32

"We couldn't care less if you live or die.

0:28:320:28:34

"Sugary, Biscuity Chocolate Cack.

0:28:340:28:36

"Only to be enjoyed as part of a healthy active lifestyle."

0:28:360:28:41

APPLAUSE

0:28:410:28:43

Ladies and gentlemen, you've been lovely. Thank you very much.

0:28:460:28:49

Have a fantastic evening. Good night.

0:28:490:28:51

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:28:510:28:53

Andrew Lawrence!

0:28:560:28:58

-Ready for our next act? AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

0:28:590:29:02

They're absolutely brilliant. A brilliant Irish rock band. Please welcome Dead Cat Bounce!

0:29:020:29:06

We are Dead Cat Bounce.

0:29:090:29:11

We're a comedy rock 'n roll band. Just to explain what that is -

0:29:110:29:15

we are the only act ever

0:29:150:29:16

to have supported both Jason Manford AND The Darkness.

0:29:160:29:21

Tonight they asked us to do something a bit more acoustic and intimate.

0:29:210:29:25

So I haven't brought my drums.

0:29:250:29:26

Instead, I'm going to play this cheese grater...

0:29:260:29:29

with this screw.

0:29:290:29:31

We're going to sing a song about the different noises that animals make.

0:29:310:29:34

One, two, three, four!

0:29:340:29:37

NURSERY RHYME-LIKE INTRODUCTION

0:29:370:29:40

# Down on the farm where the animals play

0:29:430:29:45

# Jump in the mud and the grass and the hay

0:29:450:29:49

# Time to learn what the animals say

0:29:490:29:51

# Down on the farm today

0:29:510:29:54

# What does the cow say?

0:29:540:29:57

Please don't eat me!

0:29:570:29:59

# That's what the cow says

0:30:010:30:03

# What does the hen say?

0:30:040:30:07

My babies! Please don't take my babies away from me again!

0:30:070:30:10

Oh, God! When will this nightmare end?

0:30:100:30:13

# That's what the hen says

0:30:150:30:17

# What does the duck say?

0:30:180:30:19

Give me the bread! Give me the bread! Give the bread!

0:30:190:30:21

Oh, man, I could really use some bread right now!

0:30:210:30:25

Hey, you! Look at me!

0:30:250:30:27

I'll suck your dick for that piece of bread right there!

0:30:280:30:31

# That's what the duck says

0:30:320:30:35

# What do the sheep say?

0:30:350:30:38

-Hello, Mavis. I like your jumper!

-I like your jumper!

0:30:380:30:40

-That's a really nice jumper.

-Thank you.

-You've got a mark on your jumper.

0:30:400:30:43

-I've got summat on my jumper?

-Round the back of your jumper.

0:30:430:30:46

-Round the back of my jumper?

-Sort of near your arse.

0:30:460:30:49

-That's shit from my arse, isn't it?

-It's shit from your arse.

0:30:530:30:56

-It's my favourite jumper as well.

-That's a shame.

0:30:580:31:01

-That is not coming out.

-No.

0:31:030:31:05

# That's what the sheep say

0:31:050:31:08

# What does the rooster say?

0:31:090:31:11

Wake up, everybody!!

0:31:110:31:13

I had that dream again!

0:31:140:31:17

You know the one where I'm falling?

0:31:170:31:20

What do you think it means?

0:31:200:31:22

# That's what the rooster says

0:31:240:31:27

# What does the farmer say?

0:31:270:31:29

I'm getting really into animal husbandry.

0:31:290:31:31

Animal husbandry? That's the care and rearing of livestock.

0:31:310:31:35

Yeah.

0:31:380:31:40

# That's what the farmer says

0:31:400:31:42

# Now you know what the animals say

0:31:420:31:46

# Each and every single da-a-a-ay

0:31:460:31:51

-#

-The only release is death.

-#

0:31:510:31:53

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:31:550:31:56

Thanks very much! Goodnight!

0:31:560:31:59

Dead Cat Bounce!

0:32:030:32:05

I don't have much time for nature. I grew up in the middle of nowhere.

0:32:080:32:12

They trick you when you're growing up into going outside.

0:32:120:32:15

When you're a teenager, you're told to do a thing called The Duke of Edinburgh Award.

0:32:150:32:18

What it was, they said, "Do this and it'll help you get a job in later life."

0:32:180:32:24

Then in later life it turns out that camping isn't a transferable skill.

0:32:240:32:29

We did The Duke of Edinburgh Award. We were 16, me and my mates.

0:32:300:32:34

To give you an idea of how cool we are,

0:32:340:32:36

none of us at this point had kissed a girl.

0:32:360:32:38

We got out onto the moors, we were walking along, and we unpacked.

0:32:380:32:41

This was when I noticed that my friend Thomas had packed a condom.

0:32:410:32:44

As if he'd gone, "I haven't kissed any of the 700 girls at my school,

0:32:460:32:50

"but once I hit this desolate moorland, my luck will be in."

0:32:500:32:53

Either that or he presumed the award was so well regarded

0:32:550:32:58

the moment he crossed the finish line

0:32:580:32:59

women would be throwing themselves at him!

0:32:590:33:02

"Take off your cagoule, I want you here and now."

0:33:020:33:04

I said, "Why have you packed a condom?"

0:33:060:33:08

He said, "It's not cos of that.

0:33:080:33:09

"It's cos I've read in a survival book

0:33:090:33:11

"that you can fill a condom with water

0:33:110:33:14

"up to the size of a telephone box."

0:33:140:33:16

I said, "It's knowing information like that

0:33:200:33:22

"hat shows why you've never kissed a girl in the first place, mate!

0:33:220:33:25

"Also, how much help is that going to be on a 35-mile hike?

0:33:250:33:29

"What if you bump into someone you know? 'All right, Steve?' 'What the hell is that?!'

0:33:290:33:33

"'This is just my aqua-sheath. Sorry, do you want a glass?'

0:33:330:33:37

"'Thank God for that. I thought you were being followed by that thing from The Prisoner!'"

0:33:370:33:41

And my main question -

0:33:410:33:42

why does a condom need to go that big in the first place?

0:33:420:33:46

If you need a condom to go that big, seek medical advice!

0:33:460:33:50

If you're going to a girl,

0:33:500:33:51

"If it sounds like I'm about to come, run for your life!

0:33:510:33:56

"The reason I've opened the window is it's going to be like a tsunami down there. Clear the area."

0:33:560:34:00

I didn't enjoy going on these expeditions.

0:34:010:34:04

The worst was when I was 16. We went, me and my family

0:34:040:34:06

and friends, went to Alton Towers, right.

0:34:060:34:09

We didn't have very good theme parks where I came from in Devon.

0:34:090:34:12

The most exciting thing that happened to me at a theme park

0:34:120:34:14

in Devon was I was once on the ghost train

0:34:140:34:17

and I saw a skeleton eating his lunch.

0:34:170:34:19

That is unbelievable. We're all allowed to eat at our desks,

0:34:220:34:25

but that's taking the piss, isn't it?

0:34:250:34:27

Also a Ryvita and an apple.

0:34:270:34:29

You're a skeleton - you don't need to diet!

0:34:290:34:31

Have a lasagne! Enjoy yourself!

0:34:310:34:34

What happened, we went to Alton Towers.

0:34:340:34:36

We went on this ride called The Black Hole.

0:34:360:34:39

It's a dreadful ride. It's a ride that's in a dome in the dark.

0:34:390:34:43

And it's not very fast.

0:34:430:34:45

So you don't have these things that come down over your shoulders.

0:34:450:34:48

Instead, you go two to a cart. Not next to each other -

0:34:480:34:50

instead, one behind the other, like this.

0:34:500:34:52

One of you has to sit like this with your legs spread wide.

0:34:520:34:55

Then the other one has to kind of cushion in,

0:34:550:34:58

facing forwards, obviously.

0:34:580:35:00

Facing backwards, that'd be a very different ride indeed.

0:35:010:35:04

"Are you ready to ride missionary?" "No, I'll give it a miss, thanks."

0:35:040:35:07

That is awkward. For a minute, riding The Black Hole.

0:35:080:35:10

We broke down on The Black Hole.

0:35:100:35:12

We were there for 20 minutes!

0:35:120:35:14

After three minutes, they brought up the lights.

0:35:140:35:17

You know when they turn the lights on at a nightclub

0:35:170:35:20

and you go, "What the hell am I doing and with who?"

0:35:200:35:22

Never have I been spooning my best mate.

0:35:230:35:26

It's basically some Radox and an Enya CD away from it being a sexy bath!

0:35:260:35:31

It's like something from Ghost.

0:35:320:35:34

They might as well bring the lights up,

0:35:340:35:36

have a potter's wheel and play Unchained Melody!

0:35:360:35:38

I'm not dead, but I wish I was!

0:35:390:35:41

I wanted to talk to my mate, but that would be whispering in his ear and that isn't going to help matters.

0:35:410:35:46

And he was tense. I thought, I can't give him a massage,

0:35:460:35:48

that is going to set a very strange precedent.

0:35:480:35:51

And even though there was no sexual chemistry,

0:35:510:35:53

all that was going through my head for 20 minutes was,

0:35:530:35:56

"Do not get an erection now!

0:35:560:35:59

"Cos if you do, your friendship will be ruined for ever."

0:35:590:36:02

After five minutes, an announcement came up.

0:36:020:36:05

It said, "Please be aware The Black Hole has broken down."

0:36:050:36:07

No shit!

0:36:080:36:10

We were all sat there going, "This is weird ride, isn't it?"

0:36:100:36:14

And then the mechanic came, pushed us forwards three yards, the cameras went off.

0:36:140:36:18

No-one wants that photo.

0:36:180:36:21

No-one's sat here thinking, "This'll make an awesome mouse mat. I'm having a lovely time."

0:36:210:36:26

A guy at the back said, "Blitz spirit. Let's have a sing-song."

0:36:260:36:30

No, let's not have a sing-song!

0:36:300:36:31

Even though we're in the perfect position to do Oops Upside Your Head.

0:36:310:36:35

-Ready for our next act? AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

0:36:400:36:42

Please welcome the wonderful Dana Alexander!

0:36:420:36:45

-All right, Scotland, are you well?

-Yes!

0:36:510:36:54

Oh, my God, it's nice to be here, as always.

0:36:540:36:56

It was very interesting the first time I came to Scotland,

0:36:560:37:00

they told me I'd have a hard time understanding Scottish people.

0:37:000:37:03

I ended up in Edinburgh and I'm like,

0:37:030:37:05

"I understand Scottish. This is amazing!"

0:37:050:37:07

I forgot about Glasgow!

0:37:070:37:09

You go to Glasgow, it's like, "This is the remix."

0:37:100:37:13

I get in the cab. "Can I put yer luggage in the boot, hen?"

0:37:140:37:17

I'm like, "Say that again!"

0:37:170:37:19

I figured out my last name is Scottish.

0:37:210:37:23

Alexander is a Scottish last name.

0:37:230:37:26

I know! You guys owned slaves, too! What's up?

0:37:260:37:28

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:37:280:37:32

Usually they don't laugh. They stop in shame.

0:37:320:37:35

"Not funny. We don't like this girl."

0:37:350:37:37

I love trying to get English people excited. That's my favourite thing.

0:37:390:37:42

I find you can never just say things direct in England,

0:37:420:37:45

do you know what I mean?

0:37:450:37:46

They won't tell you that you're right.

0:37:460:37:48

They tell you you're not wrong.

0:37:480:37:50

It's not the same. It's ridiculous.

0:37:510:37:53

You could defecate on an English person's doorstep,

0:37:530:37:57

and you're like, "Now you're gonna kick off."

0:37:570:38:00

ENGLISH ACCENT: "It wasn't ideal."

0:38:000:38:02

But I do love working-class English people.

0:38:030:38:07

Make some noise, working-class English people. Anybody?

0:38:070:38:10

A MAN CHEERS Outnumbered tonight, eh?

0:38:100:38:12

That's all right. I remember watching this one band.

0:38:120:38:16

No word of a lie, this is how the guy brought his band on.

0:38:160:38:18

ENGLISH ACCENT: "This song goes out to my friend

0:38:180:38:20

"which is in jail right now for doing graffiti.

0:38:200:38:24

"I don't believe you should go to jail for doing what you love.

0:38:240:38:27

"Unless you're a paedophile, cos that's just wrong."

0:38:270:38:30

Do it!

0:38:330:38:35

Yes, I'm a single girl.

0:38:360:38:38

I'm having a hard time getting back into dating

0:38:380:38:40

because I just don't know what I want.

0:38:400:38:42

I like the working class dudes, you know what I mean?

0:38:420:38:45

It would make it easier. Simple men.

0:38:450:38:47

Just put out, make a sandwich, that's it.

0:38:470:38:49

You don't need to read Cosmo.

0:38:500:38:53

Sometimes you want to be with a guy that you could discuss a book with.

0:38:530:38:57

No, you don't. That's what I discovered.

0:38:570:38:59

I started dating this guy, more of an emotional man.

0:38:590:39:03

He would always be asking me questions all the time

0:39:030:39:05

that I had no ideas what the answers were cos I was used to the simple man.

0:39:050:39:08

Questions like, "How do you think that makes me feel?"

0:39:080:39:11

"I don't know.

0:39:120:39:14

"Hungry?

0:39:140:39:15

"Do you want to have sex or something?"

0:39:160:39:19

What I figured out about myself,

0:39:190:39:21

if I cannot trick you with a steak, I'm not interested.

0:39:210:39:26

But those guys come with side effects.

0:39:260:39:28

You ever have sex with a guy that's too sweaty?

0:39:280:39:31

-WOMAN:

-Yes!

0:39:310:39:32

LAUGHTER

0:39:320:39:35

You don't forget that moment, do you?

0:39:360:39:40

I'm laying there, know what I mean? I'm trying to be casual about it.

0:39:400:39:43

I'll take it where I can get it. I'm laying there like,

0:39:430:39:46

"Ooh-hoo-hoo."

0:39:460:39:47

I try to sneakily grab the little tissue off the side...

0:39:470:39:51

Hoo-hoo-hoo!

0:39:510:39:53

He looks down, "Please stop doing that! It's not sexy!"

0:39:540:39:57

I'm like, "It's getting in my eyes!"

0:39:570:40:01

You guys have been great. Take care. Have a good one.

0:40:010:40:04

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:40:040:40:06

Dana Alexander!

0:40:080:40:09

Our next act is one of the most exciting acts at Edinburgh every year.

0:40:110:40:15

Please welcome the wonderful Jason Byrne!

0:40:150:40:18

Hello!

0:40:240:40:26

First of all, well done, Team GB. Fantastic. It's all over.

0:40:260:40:30

Big cheer. Well done. Fair play.

0:40:300:40:31

Of course, Chris Hoy, who's from Edinburgh. Hooray!

0:40:310:40:36

Brilliant. Gold medals hanging out of him with his massive legs!

0:40:360:40:42

And, of course, Andy Murray, as well.

0:40:420:40:45

He won that gold in the tennis.

0:40:450:40:47

Well done him. He was playing Roger Federer, as well, which was amazing.

0:40:470:40:51

I was watching that match, Andy Murray versus Federer.

0:40:510:40:54

I was wondering, "My God, why did Federer let him win?"

0:40:540:40:57

It was the weirdest thing ever.

0:40:570:41:00

All I could think was that Federer probably wouldn't be able to handle

0:41:000:41:04

having him crying again at the end of the tournament.

0:41:040:41:06

Did you see Federer? He was going, "Oh, I'll just..."

0:41:070:41:11

You could see...

0:41:110:41:12

Cos Andy Murray, you could see his shots coming a mile away.

0:41:120:41:16

The big angry Scottish head and the big curly hair.

0:41:160:41:19

"I'm going to put the ball over there

0:41:190:41:20

"and lob this one there!

0:41:200:41:22

"He won't have a clue where it's coming from!"

0:41:220:41:25

Did you see Federer missing the shots?

0:41:250:41:28

"Oh, woopsie-doopsie. Oh."

0:41:280:41:30

"Oh, missed again. My genius has been broken

0:41:330:41:35

"by this blue, Scottish curly-head fellow."

0:41:350:41:37

He just couldn't handle the crying again, that's all it was.

0:41:390:41:42

It's unbelievable, cos Federer's a genius.

0:41:420:41:45

You never see his shots coming. When he's playing tennis it's like,

0:41:450:41:48

"Whoosh, whoosh, fini."

0:41:480:41:50

"What happened?" "Doesn't matter. It is over."

0:41:500:41:53

The thing with the Olympics, I thought,

0:41:550:41:57

there were some tournaments that working-class people, like where I come from

0:41:570:42:01

and all my family, we had no business watching a few sports.

0:42:010:42:05

And one of the sports we had no business watching was horse jumping.

0:42:050:42:08

It's too posh and we have no business watching it.

0:42:080:42:11

It's for posh people and that's the end of it.

0:42:110:42:14

Posh people on horses just jumping around going...

0:42:140:42:17

"Oh, my God, isn't this just fantastic?

0:42:190:42:21

"This is beautiful. I'm going to jump over this fence.

0:42:210:42:24

"I'm over! I'm over! Ah-ha-ha!"

0:42:240:42:26

HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

0:42:260:42:27

"Oh, here's another one. Oh! The pole dropped!

0:42:270:42:31

"The pole - it fell off! Ah-ha-ha! Ah-hah-hah!"

0:42:310:42:34

"It's OK. A poor person will pick it up. Just keep going."

0:42:350:42:39

And the main one which we had, oh, my God, dressage!

0:42:410:42:44

DRESSAGE?!

0:42:440:42:46

What the hell are they doing?

0:42:470:42:50

Ah-hah-hah!

0:42:500:42:52

Ah-hah! Ah-hah-hah!

0:42:590:43:02

There's working-class people watching that at home going,

0:43:040:43:07

"Mary, get in here!"

0:43:070:43:09

"There's a dancing horse on the telly!"

0:43:100:43:13

"I'm serious. It's not even in the circus! It's on the Olympics!"

0:43:140:43:19

Unbelievable! I think I know how they train those horses, right?

0:43:200:43:23

This is what I reckon they do.

0:43:230:43:25

They get the horse to shit

0:43:250:43:26

all over the compound that it spends all day in.

0:43:260:43:29

And then it just does this all day,

0:43:290:43:32

trying to avoid its own shit!

0:43:320:43:34

"Oh, God, it's bloody everywhere!

0:43:390:43:40

"Jesus, there's shit all over this compound.

0:43:430:43:45

"Yep, that's definitely shit.

0:43:470:43:49

"It's bloody everywhere, this shit."

0:43:520:43:55

Anyway,

0:43:550:43:56

that was exhausting!

0:43:560:43:58

I did that with my calves.

0:44:000:44:02

Maybe even win a gold medal for it.

0:44:020:44:04

Ladies and gentlemen, you've been brilliant.

0:44:040:44:06

I've been Jason Byrne. Good night!

0:44:060:44:08

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:44:080:44:09

Jason Byrne!

0:44:140:44:16

Our next act is an absolute circuit legend.

0:44:170:44:20

Please welcome the wonderful Marcus Brigstocke!

0:44:200:44:23

Hello!

0:44:290:44:30

CHEERING

0:44:300:44:32

Nice to be here in Scotland. Any of you Scottish? Good.

0:44:320:44:35

I love coming up to Scotland.

0:44:370:44:39

I was going to get the train up but because when I was five

0:44:390:44:42

I didn't know I'd grow up to be a comedian,

0:44:420:44:43

I missed out on the Advance Saver Fare!

0:44:430:44:46

Why are people who book in advance getting a discount?

0:44:460:44:49

They've got efficiency going for them.

0:44:490:44:51

I'm a chaotic prick - I need help.

0:44:510:44:53

Ridiculous.

0:44:530:44:54

First class fare from London to Birmingham on the day of travel,

0:44:540:44:58

£178!

0:44:580:45:00

BIRMINGHAM ACCENT: To visit the Venice of the Midlands.

0:45:000:45:03

£178 for the Venice of the Midlands.

0:45:030:45:06

Or £38 for the Venice of Venice!

0:45:060:45:09

Actual Venice, on a plane, for a fraction of the price.

0:45:090:45:14

I've got an idea.

0:45:150:45:16

I know how we can make some money back from the railways.

0:45:160:45:19

We fine them for every word they use in an announcement

0:45:190:45:22

that they don't need to. £100 a word.

0:45:220:45:24

"Leeds is your next station stop.

0:45:240:45:27

"Your next station stop will be Leeds is your next station stop.

0:45:270:45:31

"The next station at which we stop will be Leeds. Is your next sta..."

0:45:310:45:34

JUST SAY LEEDS!

0:45:340:45:36

If you're on a train and it stops at a thing with platforms

0:45:380:45:41

and people and 19 different pasty outlets,

0:45:410:45:43

and you don't know that's a station,

0:45:430:45:45

then screw you! No more train travel!

0:45:450:45:47

It's too exciting for you, you prick!

0:45:470:45:50

Fine them for every word.

0:45:510:45:54

"For those of you de-training at Leeds..."

0:45:540:45:56

I will not de-train, I will get off.

0:45:560:45:58

If I want to de-train, I'll get pissed, go back to university

0:45:580:46:01

and try and forget the things I learned.

0:46:010:46:03

"For those of you de-training at Leeds, we'd like to remind you

0:46:040:46:07

"to take all your possessions with you."

0:46:070:46:09

We know! They're our possessions!

0:46:090:46:11

Listen, people on public transport. Here's how this works.

0:46:110:46:15

If you go on a train and you take your things with you,

0:46:150:46:18

and then when you get off the train you don't take your things with you,

0:46:180:46:21

they're no longer your things.

0:46:210:46:23

They're just things.

0:46:230:46:25

Pretty simple. Basic. Got to take them with you.

0:46:260:46:29

"We'd like to remind passengers

0:46:290:46:31

"that only those of you in possession of a valid ticket for this service

0:46:310:46:35

"will be allowed to use this service..."

0:46:350:46:37

Oh, really? I made my own ticket!

0:46:370:46:40

"I'm very disappointed."

0:46:420:46:43

We know! Smokers, do you need to be told it's a non-smoking service?

0:46:430:46:48

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-No.

-No. Smokers, give me a cheer.

0:46:480:46:51

FAINT RESPONSE Come on, we're in Scotland. There's a lot more of you than that!

0:46:510:46:54

Ughh.

0:46:540:46:56

There's a tiger at the back in tears.

0:46:560:46:58

Smokers, you don't need to be told, do you?

0:47:000:47:02

"We'd like to remind you that this is a non-smoking service."

0:47:020:47:05

We know. They all are.

0:47:050:47:06

Then they specify the ways in which it's non-smoking.

0:47:060:47:08

"You can't smoke in the carriages,

0:47:080:47:10

"between the carriages, moving through the train,

0:47:100:47:13

"in the buffet car, the toilet, on the roof, underneath.

0:47:130:47:15

"Don't make me use the word vestibule, I will burn you in the face."

0:47:150:47:19

Smoke if you wish.

0:47:190:47:21

Ladies and gentlemen, you've been absolutely delightful.

0:47:210:47:23

Thanks for having me. Take care. Good night.

0:47:230:47:26

Marcus Brigstocke!

0:47:300:47:32

The next act is one of my absolute favourites.

0:47:340:47:36

Please welcome the wonderful Jimeoin!

0:47:360:47:39

All right?

0:47:430:47:45

-Ready for more jokes? AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

0:47:450:47:47

Some of these young comics at the Fringe

0:47:480:47:50

it's all about having an opinion.

0:47:500:47:52

Talking about some country in the Middle East that they don't live in.

0:47:520:47:55

How it should be run.

0:47:550:47:56

Then in the next breath they're saying their latte is cold!

0:47:560:47:59

You go, "I don't want to hear your opinion. Just tell me your jokes."

0:47:590:48:02

That's just my opinion.

0:48:040:48:05

I don't like my latte being cold, by the way.

0:48:110:48:14

I just thought I'd say that right now.

0:48:140:48:17

It should be a little bit warmer. No need for that.

0:48:170:48:20

Do you know who I blame for that? Christians.

0:48:200:48:22

I'm joking!

0:48:260:48:27

It's the Jews.

0:48:300:48:31

No, I read the papers.

0:48:370:48:39

If I've got a gig, I sit there with all the papers,

0:48:390:48:41

go through them with a pen,

0:48:410:48:43

and colour people's teeth in.

0:48:430:48:45

What was I talking about?

0:48:520:48:54

You weren't listening, were you?

0:48:540:48:58

I forget what I'm talking about. I'm at that age.

0:48:580:48:59

You walk into a room and say, "What did I come in here for?"

0:48:590:49:02

Open the fridge, go into soft focus.

0:49:030:49:06

Close it. "What did I open the fridge for?"

0:49:080:49:10

Driving my car, going, "Where am I going?

0:49:110:49:14

"I was looking for something in the fridge!"

0:49:140:49:16

That's not the fridge, by the way, that's the microwave!

0:49:230:49:27

That's the fridge.

0:49:270:49:28

That's the dishwasher.

0:49:310:49:32

That's me kicking her in the ass, going, "Wash those dishes!"

0:49:360:49:39

That's me closing a whole load of doors.

0:49:440:49:45

I do a little bit of mime in my act. Probably noticed that.

0:49:500:49:54

I'm not taking myself seriously as a mime artist just cos I'm on stage.

0:49:540:49:57

Lazy miming, the way we all mime.

0:49:570:50:00

Do phones...

0:50:000:50:01

don't hang them up.

0:50:010:50:03

Open doors, leave them open.

0:50:050:50:07

Other mime artists come on stage after me and go,

0:50:090:50:11

"Look at the state of this place."

0:50:110:50:13

Don't remember opening that.

0:50:250:50:27

Ever in the kitchen in the middle of the night

0:50:300:50:32

and the fridge goes, "Brrr."?

0:50:320:50:34

I didn't know they got cold, too!

0:50:410:50:43

Do you ever have to make ice for the fridge?

0:50:490:50:52

It's a tricky job, that, isn't it?

0:50:520:50:54

You have to get from the sink to the fridge with a tray of water.

0:50:540:50:59

You can mess it up even before you've begun.

0:50:590:51:02

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:51:220:51:25

Put it in the microwave as well.

0:51:330:51:35

That's all from me. Thank you very much. Good night! Thank you!

0:51:370:51:40

Give him a hand!

0:51:440:51:45

Ready for our next act? Please welcome the wonderful Des Clarke!

0:51:470:51:50

Hello, everyone. Let's hear it for Scotland! Let's hear it!

0:51:540:51:57

CHEERING Thank you very much.

0:51:570:51:59

It's nice to be here tonight. I'm from Glasgow.

0:51:590:52:02

People say to me, why do you speak so quickly?

0:52:020:52:04

I talk so fast because I'm from Glasgow.

0:52:040:52:07

My life expectancy is 43 - I'm running out of time, big man!

0:52:070:52:10

I've had a few strokes just answering you. Let's hurry this up!

0:52:120:52:15

We're put upon in this nation.

0:52:150:52:17

Earlier this year, they had a go at pasties.

0:52:170:52:19

Greggs isn't a shop in Scotland, it's a religion.

0:52:190:52:22

We're strangely upbeat in Scotland, as well, and I like that.

0:52:230:52:26

We watched the Olympic Games opening ceremony

0:52:260:52:28

with glee in Scotland. We loved it. It was good to get involved.

0:52:280:52:31

Though there was one group of people in this country didn't like it.

0:52:310:52:34

A small group of people in an office in Glasgow

0:52:340:52:36

whose task is to organise the Commonwealth Games opening ceremony.

0:52:360:52:40

Looking at how good that was, going, "Oh, shite!

0:52:400:52:44

"We'll need to cancel The Krankies. It's terrible."

0:52:440:52:47

"Have you got a number for Susan Boyle? We need the big guns."

0:52:520:52:55

Two years' time, 2014, we've got the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow.

0:52:550:53:00

We've no idea how we won the bid!

0:53:000:53:01

I think the organisers turned up in Glasgow,

0:53:010:53:03

saw all of us walking about in tracksuits and thought,

0:53:030:53:06

"They must be sporty!" Big mistake.

0:53:060:53:08

Good luck with that.

0:53:080:53:10

We have an unnecessary aggression in this country and we love it.

0:53:130:53:16

Even the way we talk to each other in couples.

0:53:160:53:18

I has a girlfriend that had a go at me one night.

0:53:180:53:20

Her problem with me, "Your eyelashes are too long."

0:53:200:53:23

She did what Scottish women do if they want to make a point.

0:53:230:53:25

They move their heads side to side.

0:53:250:53:27

"Don't you talk to me!"

0:53:270:53:28

Scottish guys, trying to chat you up, become pigeons and nod at you.

0:53:310:53:35

"You want to have sex with me?"

0:53:350:53:36

"Do you want to have sex?" "Don't you talk to me."

0:53:360:53:39

Between them, they've got all the compass points sorted. Brilliant.

0:53:390:53:42

"Your eyelashes are too long. That's not fair. They don't belong on a guy."

0:53:460:53:50

"I say sod all about your moustache. What's the problem here?"

0:53:500:53:54

It was great. She tried to spice things up in the bedroom.

0:53:590:54:02

She asked us to dress up. That was good.

0:54:020:54:04

She said, "Let's do that school uniform thing.

0:54:040:54:06

"Let's pretend we're back at school."

0:54:060:54:09

She gave me a bloody wedgie. I couldnae walk.

0:54:090:54:11

I had the greatest honour in my life this year.

0:54:140:54:16

I got to carry the Olympic torch.

0:54:160:54:18

They sold it to me as the unique special experience.

0:54:180:54:21

You'll stand out from every member of your community.

0:54:210:54:23

Fast-forward to me standing in the middle of Glasgow

0:54:230:54:25

on a Friday night in a white tracksuit

0:54:250:54:27

with a bit of metal that somebody I don't know had set on fire.

0:54:270:54:32

I looked like everybody else in the centre of Glasgow that night!

0:54:320:54:34

All my family were there, apart from my dad.

0:54:360:54:38

"I'll not get parked." Thanks for your support(!)

0:54:380:54:40

The most amazing experience of my life. The actor James McAvoy handed me the torch

0:54:460:54:50

in the centre of Glasgow. I was told one bit of information when you're getting the torch -

0:54:500:54:54

"Remember the torch kiss. Just remember the torch kiss."

0:54:540:54:57

I was nervous. The torch came. I kissed the tor...

0:54:570:55:00

I kissed James McAvoy!

0:55:000:55:01

Mwa!

0:55:030:55:04

It was an amazing experience. Slightly weird.

0:55:040:55:06

He called the police. It was fine.

0:55:060:55:08

Then I did that 300 metre run.

0:55:080:55:10

And one last thing I want to share with you

0:55:100:55:12

is, whilst doing that run, the most amazing moment of that run,

0:55:120:55:16

is that from nowhere, out the middle of the crowd,

0:55:160:55:18

my dad just jumped out!

0:55:180:55:21

I shat myself!

0:55:210:55:23

And I would love to end this gig by saying I said something

0:55:230:55:26

profound to that man, words that can be quoted for years,

0:55:260:55:28

poetic things that will go on my gravestone.

0:55:280:55:30

Here's what happened. I was running...

0:55:300:55:33

I saw him. All I could say was,

0:55:330:55:36

"Where did you get parked?"

0:55:360:55:37

Ladies and gentlemen, you've been amazing. I'm Des Clarke. Thank you. Good night.

0:55:400:55:43

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:55:430:55:45

Des Clarke!

0:55:480:55:50

This has been the Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live.

0:55:510:55:54

Thank you very much for coming.

0:55:540:55:55

My name is Josh Widdicombe. Cheers. Good night!

0:55:550:55:58

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:55:580:56:00

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:56:180:56:22

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