Episode 2 Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live

It's Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live!

Please welcome your host, Josh Widdicombe!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Good evening!

-Yes, Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live, are we well?

-Yes!

My highlight of the festival so far was I was in a bookshop on the high street

and I heard a woman on the phone to a friend go,

"Come and meet me. Where am I? I'm in a shop."

"What's it called? Er, Waterspoons."

If there were ever two shops that shouldn't be combined, it's those!

Those are two very different levels.

"Where shall I meet you?" "Kentucky Fried Specsavers."

I was thinking about it, cos I've just moved.

I've moved near one of those Wetherspoons that's trying to be a bit posh.

One of the things they've done is on one wall they have shelves of classic hardback novels.

Who is that for?

Who's going in and going, "Finally, I can combine my twin interests

"of Charles Dickens and Jagerbombs!"?

LAUGHTER

"I've just been on a two-week bender." "What did you do?"

"I read Martin Chuzzlewit."

"And I had two curry clubs. It was the best fortnight of my life!"

If I am drinking, I don't want to read.

If it's 11pm and I'm hammered,

never do I go, "Let's hit the library with this one!"

Waking up the next day going, "Bloody hell, I only went out for a short story

"and I read three novels. I am absolutely mental."

I do still read books. I haven't got a Kindle. I don't trust technology.

I think technology's making things more difficult.

I don't know if you've tried signing for a parcel recently.

KNOWING LAUGHTER

It used to be simple, didn't it?

Pen, piece of paper - lovely.

Now what I get is a digital screen

and a plastic stick!

And all I can do is a zig-zag up and down line!

LAUGHTER

It bears no relation to any signature anyone has ever done in their life!

Is that your signature? No.

It looks like the Mark of Zorro!

Are there people checking this at the Post Office,

going, "I have bad news -

"Zorro is back.

"And he's signing for every parcel in the United Kingdom!"

We didn't have technology like this when I was growing up.

The closest I got to advanced technology when I was growing up

was putting a buttercup underneath another child's chin!

To see if it reflected back and they liked butter.

Correct me if I'm wrong. If you're that close, just ask!

No-one's keeping that information to themselves.

"Steve, do you like butter?" "Not telling you that, mate! It's a secret!"

No-one's being interrogated about that at Guantanamo Bay.

"He's not cracking under questioning. Fetch the buttercup!

"Don't worry. He's tied down with a daisy chain. He is going nowhere."

"How long has he been here? Let me check by blowing the seeds off this dandelion.

"Since one o'clock."

What is the use? The only use I can think

is if you're making breakfast for a mute.

In that case, a buttercup's very useful indeed.

What do you want on your toast?

I'll go and get the Anchor. Thank you very much, Mr Buttercup!

Are we ready for our first act of the night?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

He's a Edinburgh Festival institution.

You'll love him. The wonderful Mark Watson!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you!

Lovely big crowd, big theatre and everything.

My granddad would have been proud of this.

My granddad used to sometimes give me a bit of a pep talk,

like your granddad does.

He'd say, "Mark, you might not be the cleverest boy in the school,

"you might not leave with the best grades.

"You might not get the best job, earn the most money.

"You might not drive the fastest car, have the most beautiful children,

"have the most glamorous wife, the most spectacular holidays.

"You might not have the most amazing life.

"Anyway, good luck!"

I myself am a dad now. What a responsibility!

By God, people make you feel inadequate a lot when you're a dad.

Some of you, I'm sure. Who's got a baby or a kid?

SPARSE CHEERS Precisely. You can no longer do anything with your life.

All of you that replied "yes" are at home.

You know, it's hard.

They cry an awful lot.

Babies are lovely, but they're idiots. This is the elephant in the room.

They don't know anything, they overreact massively to situations with clear solutions...

They've never got any money on them.

People are always looking at you.

As a mum, you at least look capable.

As a dad, you've never got the right blanket,

you've not got tits - you just look like an idiot.

You're pushing the baby along and someone will look at you -

I mean pushing him in a pram, obviously!

If you're shoving him face-down into a sandpit

then you can expect some negative feedback.

I mean, everything is logged and registered these days.

Our kid was in a census, two years ago. He was four months old.

So they sent him a form. He didn't get round to doing it.

They sent him, genuinely, another form, with a letter saying,

"We will fine you £1,000", which is a lot of money for a baby.

Once more, he took it really badly.

I came downstairs, he was sobbing, putting some teddy bears on eBay.

So I rang them and said, "You're not going to get this form back. He's four months old."

Even then, I had to fill it out. They wouldn't just let it go.

They said, "Name, fine. Age, four months."

Question three. "What is his usual occupation?

Or, "How does he spend the majority of his time in the UK?"

"Well, sitting in front of the TV, sliding around in his own poo, basically."

So they've got him down as "student" now.

Obviously, you become paranoid. What if I'm raising a bad kid?

What if he's a racist? I'm worried he could be a racist.

It's early days. He's only four months at the time this happened,

but it's happened three times, actually,

that he's seen a black guy and been very hostile to them.

The first time, he was trying to get out of his pram

to hit this guy in the face.

Luckily, the guy was really nice, he made a joke of it.

He said, "Oh! Your son's obviously a racist."

Which, certainly in London, is a brave joke to make about a stranger's kid,

but it worked, it broke the ice, we all relaxed.

Fine. Second time it happened, I made the same joke. Not as funny.

You have to be the black guy in the equation for that joke to work, really.

By the third time I was expecting it, I was ready.

I said, "Oh, it's not just you, he does this with all black people."

Even that didn't defuse the tension the way I'd hoped.

What am I going to do in terms of setting an example to a kid?

I'm a terrible person. I'm always on my own, touring,

getting drunk in some hotel -

which is quite easy to do, to be fair.

You'll know this. If you're on your own,

you have these little rhymes in your head to reassure you.

I'm sure you grew up with these like I did.

"Beer before wine, you should be fine.

"Wine before beer, you should be fine."

Yes. Surprising how many of them end in "fine".

Two bottles of wine, crying and masturbating in a Durham Travelodge.

Fine!

I should say that last bit was a joke.

Travelodge! Good Lord, I've got some pride!

Thanks very much for listening. My name's Mark Watson. Thank you! Bye!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Mark Watson!

-Ready for our next act? AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

He's brilliant, one of my favourites. Please welcome Neil Delamere!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, Edinburgh. Great to be back in Edinburgh

where an audience will screw you over

if you ask them the wrong question.

I did a gig last night and said to the guy in the front row,

"Have you ever played a practical joke on your missus?" He went, "Oh, yeah.

"She loves ballet, so I said we'll go to the ballet,

"but we went to something completely different."

I said, "When was that?"

He went, "Tonight."

I said, "Have you ever played a practical joke on your husband?" She said, "Yeah, yeah.

"He thinks the eldest is his!"

LAUGHTER

And she went, "Oh!"

It was horrible, cos they were my parents. So, erm...

It's not my first time here. Last year I came here and bought a bike.

It's a great city for that. Edinburgh's the only city in the world

where your cycle both to and from any destination is entirely uphill!

I don't know how you manage that. It's like an Escher painting in this bleeding town.

So I got the bike and I was cycling up, you know the Edinburgh Fringe Festival,

you know it's quite stressful for us in a comedic way.

We pay for our posters to be put up and our flyers to be handed out.

So on the last night I was cycling home, hammered.

I don't normally do this. Breaking red lights at four in the morning,

when I became suspicious that there might be a police car behind me.

Because I could see that there was a police car behind me.

I'm quite bright like that. And he pulled me over.

I don't know why he stopped me - I don't know how he saw me,

I didn't have any lights.

LAUGHTER

He pulled me over and he started with the questions,

halfway down Leith Walk.

He started with a question. Cops all over the world like to start with a question,

in case you give more away accidentally.

Has it ever worked for them ever before?

You're pulled over in a bus lane. "Do you know why I stopped you?"

"Is this about the murder?

"Oh, it's not?

"Oh, I think I've said too much!"

"Don't check the boot."

He goes, "Do you know how many red lights you broke? Seven.

"The one at Royal Mile and South Bridge, that's a dangerous junction."

I did what any Irish person does abroad - you think,

"If he knows I'm Irish and foreign, I might get away with this."

So I went, "Begorrah, Bejasus, a-fiddley-diddly-diddly-dee"

and River Danced away from the bicycle.

He heard the accent and he went,

"Oh, would you cycle through a red light at home, would you?"

I went, "No, Officer, no!

HE SLURS: "I've got a car at home."

LAUGHTER

He said, "Why did you break the red light?"

"What a stupid question. Cos the green one was making me homesick."

He said, "That's a £60 fine now, if I were a total bastard."

So I went, "So it's a £60 fine, then?"

LAUGHTER

He didn't laugh like you're laughing, ladies and gentlemen.

I don't know if you've ever gotten a police escort to a bank machine...

I took the £60 out. You're cycling along, he's driving behind you.

You've a big heavy bike and he's driving a squad car at two miles an hour.

You're stopping at every red light cos you're not a total gobshite.

But you're still pissed enough to go, "Will we race?!"

He's still not laughing.

I withdraw the £60. I hand it to him. I want no record of this, though.

He goes, "What's your name?" "J-John Smith."

He goes, "Really? It's an offence to lie to a police officer."

"No, it's John Smith. Write it down, copper!"

Cos I was getting excited at this point. "Write it down!"

He goes, "If your name's John Smith, why does it say

"Neil Delamere" on that poster with your picture behind your head?"

I had stopped in front of my own Edinburgh Fringe Festival poster.

I was so embarrassed. He was livid!

The people in my rickshaw...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a pleasure to talk to you tonight.

I'm Neil Delamere. Thanks very much. Bye-bye!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Neil Delamere!

-Are you ready for our next act? AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

He's an Edinburgh legend.

Please welcome the wonderful David O'Doherty!

PLAYS A FEW CHORDS

This song is called Life.

# Life, life

# Life, life-life

# Lifey-lifey-life

# Life, life

# Life, life-life...oh no

# Eugh! Oh, God!

# Oh, no, actually, it's OK!

# Oh, no it's not

# Oh, God, no, aghh!

# No, really?! This again?! Aghh!

# And then you die.

# Life is a marathon

# Not a sprint

# But it's a sort of marathon that you have to sprint

# And there's hurdles and weights to lift

# And cycling and archery

# And synchronised swimming and horse dancing

# Life's basically the Olympics

# But in the end you don't get a medal

# You die

# Life! What are you?

# Are you just the accumulation of obsolete mobile phone chargers

# And reusable shopping bags?

# Current total nine of one

# Almost 40 of the other

# I will never need that many shopping bags in my entire life

# And now they're all stuffed in one cupboard together

# So if I need to get one out They all avalanche on top of me

# One time they could actually suffocate me

# Ironic to be killed by a bag for life

# Life is hard, you know?

# But no-one ever talks about it It's never mentioned in songs

# All songs should have to have some reference to life being hard

# Within the song

# Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you

# But the rate of prostate cancer In men over the age of 85

# Is 100%

# It's just benign in some

# An actual doctor told me that recently, that is true

# Holy...

# And because no-one talks about it being hard

# I think you then think you're the only one who finds it hard

# I bet everyone finds it equally hard

# I bet once a year Roger Federer is sitting at a change of ends

# And he looks down at his banana in this hand

# And his graphite racket in the other

# And he looks up at the umpire in the high chair

# And he looks and sees the ring of giant novelty tennis balls

# Around the top of the stadium

# And just for a moment, Roger Federer thinks to himself

# I'm 31 years old

# What am I doing with my life?

# This is basically just a game like Hungry Hungry Hippos

# Don't get me wrong, there's brilliant bits

# Like when you see someone you haven't seen for a while

# Or you get drunk unexpectedly

# You go for a cycle and do drunk cycling

# Or you go to an incredible Fringe festival

# Or a show that's amazing

# But often when you go back outside again

# You find that someone's set your bike on fire

# That actually happened to me recently, that is not a metaphor

# How would you set my bike on fi...

# Why would you set my bike on fire?

# And it was raining

# Oh-oh Dublin

# Somewhere over the rainbow

# I bet life is just as hard as it is on this side of the rainbow

# That side you can't even see the bloody rainbow,

# It's an optical illusion

# And who knows, it's even more homophobic on that side of the rainbow

# Let's just stay on this side

# And let's all of us, even just for tonight

# Let's all... Let's just try and have a nice time. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

David O'Doherty!

-Are you ready for our next act?

-Yes!

From Norway, it's the brilliant Daniel Simonsen!

-Hello! AUDIENCE:

-Hello!

Hey, how you doing?

I'm Daniel. I'm from Norway.

So that's pretty funny.

LAUGHTER

I'm a comedian. I think stand-up is a little bit stupid.

You know what I mean?

Some guy with a microphone, trying to get the crowd going.

"So, how you guys doing?

"Is it a good mood in the crowd?

"Anybody been to the bank?"

I would never talk like that in real life.

Like if I was in a dinner at somebody's house,

"So, how we doing around the dinner table?

"Enjoying the spaghetti?"

"Anybody been to the bank?"

I went to the bank the other day.

But it was closed, so I went home.

What's so disappointing with that joke

is that it would have been better if the bank was open.

And something funny happened.

But it was just closed, so it really sucks for you guys.

You know, in Norway, there's only one comedy club in the whole country.

That nobody goes to.

And the best Norwegian comedian, he is really shit.

And he's dressed as a cat on the stage.

"Miaow!

"Miaow, miaow, miaow, miaow!

"Miaow, miaow, miaow, miaow, miaow!

"Miaow, miaow, miaow."

And that guy is me.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I really love to perform in Norway because even when you really suck,

they pretend they think you're funny,

because they feel so embarrassed on your behalf.

They just go, "Ho, ho. Yah!"

But here in Britain, they just let you die.

And then they write about you on Twitter.

I think often people exaggerate how funny things is.

They come out of a comedy show, they're all pumped.

"Man, it was the best thing I ever seen in my life.

"I couldn't stop laughing.

"I thought I was going to die.

"And my balls came out of my mouth."

My friend always says this.

He always says, "Man, it was so funny that I shat myself."

But I think if that actually happened,

you wouldn't tell it to anybody.

He'd be sitting there - "Ha-ha-ha! Ha... I have to go home."

I was talking about cats, right. I live with a cat.

And he's always throwing up.

But nothing comes out of his mouth.

He just makes a noise.

This is how he throws up.

"Haaa!"

All over the furniture. "Haaa!"

But the couch is spotless afterwards.

But then I took him to the vet and he said it's not throwing up.

It's just how he says, "Miaow!"

He has a speech impediment.

"Haaa!"

Hey, guys, thank you so much. Take care!

Daniel Simonsen!

-Are we ready for our next act? AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

She's a star at Edinburgh every year.

Please welcome the wonderful Shappi Khorsandi!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Good evening!

-Are you having a nice Edinburgh? AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

It's at that fraught time of Edinburgh for me.

I got very drunk last night.

I don't know if you've ever done this,

but I snogged a puppeteer.

Like a proper ventriloquist bloke.

I was drunk in The Meadows here, in Edinburgh, at three o'clock in the morning.

And he started to put his hand up my dress.

I thought, "Mate, you're not at work now!"

But you know when you're really drunk, and someone's being very persistent,

eventually you go, "Sod it. If you can't beat them, join them."

So I went, "That's the way to do it!"

Have you ever had one of those nights when you've been so drunk,

and behaved so badly,

that the next day you're convinced they're going to report it on the news?

"A 38-year-old mother of one

"was found upside-down in a wheelie bin outside Edinburgh Waverley station

"singing I Will Survive.

"Eye-witnesses reported a man of 24..."

He was 24, for heaven's sake!

I didn't realise that till I saw the news.

"..calling her a taxi without moving his lips."

I'm a single mum and it's tough dating when you're a single mum.

Single dads are different.

I hope I'm not insulting any men in the audience,

but when women see a single dad they often go, "Oh, look at him.

"He's so good with his children.

"He works so hard. He copes so beautifully with them every other weekend."

Whereas my ex-boyfriend called my little boy my baggage.

He's four! He's not baggage, he's hand luggage.

I have an older brother. I'm the second child.

My brother is the precious first born. Give me a cheer, first-born children.

CHEERING

Applauding yourselves. They're the confident first-borns.

You're so confident because you first-born children know

that the reason you exist

is cos two people fell so madly in love with one another

that they decided to create a human being out of that love.

You are made from love. Well done.

Give me a cheer second-borns, like me.

CHEERING

We were not made from love.

We were made to be toys for the first-born.

The only reason we exist

is so that the first-born doesn't get bored on holiday!

Give me a cheer, third-born children.

CHEERING

Not many photos of you!

My friend's got three. She goes, "By the time the third one comes,

"you stick it in a bucket and give it barbed wire to chew on."

I didn't have an easy time when I was a kid.

I was a fat kid at school.

It was no fun being the fat kid at primary school.

We used to play kiss-chase.

It's a horrible game. All the boys would chase

the cute Lucys and Rebeccas and they wouldn't chase me

so there was no need for me to run

so I stayed fat.

And some of the dinner ladies realised how tough it was

for us chunky kids and they decided to introduce other games.

Piggy-in-the-middle was not the answer.

I had a teacher at school called Mrs Robertson.

And she changed my life when I was 14.

She was really old - about 40.

And she had a face like a discarded Christmas walnut

and about five teeth.

And one of the girls in the class was chatting -

a beautiful girl that all the boys fancied -

and Mrs Robertson - I'm about to do a terrible Scottish accent -

she said, "Karen Skelton, stop your chatter.

"This is an exam year. You have to concentrate on your studies.

"You're not going to have that pretty face forever.

"Look what happened to mine!"

What a gorgeous thing to say.

And what a beautiful lesson I learned at 14,

That it's not about being one of the pretty ones.

What's really important is to know that walnuts can talk.

You've been a fantastic crowd! Thank you very much!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Shappi Khorsandi!

CHEERING

The next act is a favourite. He's brilliant.

Please welcome the wonderful Andrew Lawrence!

Thank you very much! Nice to be here.

I've got a suit on. My agent makes me wear this suit.

She says, "It makes you look respectable, Andrew."

Ludicrous! I haven't even got any underpants on! How could I be respectable?

Clothes don't really work for me, to be honest. I've got a peculiar bum.

Trousers/ belt combination don't really work at all.

I'm out in public, my trousers falling down, pubes hanging out.

Trousers round my ankles. Degrading. The police hassle me.

"I can't do anything about it, Officer. Trousers don't work for me."

"That's all very well, Mr Lawrence.

Doesn't explain what you're doing in Mothercare."

I suppose it doesn't.

I know someone who's trying to organise a speed groping night.

Don't know if it'll happen - it's touch and go.

Some of these jokes are just going to be for me, to be honest!

Lovely to be here. Quite a mixed audience. Plenty of young people.

One or two coffin-dodgers scattered about.

I like it. People get old and then they die.

That's the nature of existence.

It was my dad's birthday recently, had to buy him a birthday card.

Very difficult, birthday cards. They're all the same, aren't they?

"To the world's best dad." "To an amazing dad."

"An incredible mum." "Fantastic mum."

Lovely sentiments. Sometimes you want something a bit more sincere.

Like, "Dear Mum, you raised me on crispy pancakes,

stunted my growth, still upset.

"Happy birthday."

"Dear Dad, every time I tried to do my homework,

"you'd be in the next room watching TV at full volume.

"Difficult to concentrate. Now I'm an idiot.

"Happy birthday."

Lovely to be in Scotland. I love it. Edinburgh, beautiful city.

I could see myself living here. Fortunately, I don't have to.

I can afford London. But if I was...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But if I was struggling I'd come and live here. Why not?

Give me a cheer if you're Scottish.

CHEER

Feel free to hackle me. I can't guarantee

I'll come back at you with a witty instant put-down.

A lot of the time I simply can't understand what you people are trying to say.

IMITATES SCOTTISH ACCENT

I don't even like shortbread.

Trying to look after myself while I'm in Edinburgh. Failing. I've been eating a lot of junk.

There's a lot of junk food around, constantly advertised on the television.

"Have you tried new Sugary Biscuity Chocolate Cack?

"It's the perfect snack before breakfast, during breakfast, after breakfast,

"in the toilet while you self-harm."

LAUGHTER

"On the train to work, at your desk,

"in the stationery cupboard, silently weeping.

"Before lunch, during lunch, after lunch.

"In the staff room, you smack your head against the sink

"trying to induce brain damage.

"On the train home, crying in the bath.

"In the night you wake up having a panic attack.

"Sugary Biscuity Chocolate Cack.

"It's full of all sorts of things that don't actually exist in nature.

"Are you suffering from acne? Putting on weight around your tummy and thighs?

"Perhaps you're not eating enough Sugary Biscuity Chocolate Cack.

"Suffering from clinical depression?

"Why not slump down in front of the TV for 18 hours a day

"eating Sugary Biscuity Chocolate Cack contemplating suicide.

"No longer physically or mentally able to leave the house?

"Why not order some Sugary Biscuity Chocolate Cack online?

"Delivered super-fast in two working days.

"Keep on eating Sugary Biscuity Chocolate Cack

"until you're riddled with disease, disability,

"death comes to you 20 years earlier than you anticipated.

"Remember, it's our policy here

at the Sugary Biscuity Chocolate Cack factory

"to turn over as much profit as possible.

"We couldn't care less if you live or die.

"Sugary, Biscuity Chocolate Cack.

"Only to be enjoyed as part of a healthy active lifestyle."

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, you've been lovely. Thank you very much.

Have a fantastic evening. Good night.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Andrew Lawrence!

-Ready for our next act? AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

They're absolutely brilliant. A brilliant Irish rock band. Please welcome Dead Cat Bounce!

We are Dead Cat Bounce.

We're a comedy rock 'n roll band. Just to explain what that is -

we are the only act ever

to have supported both Jason Manford AND The Darkness.

Tonight they asked us to do something a bit more acoustic and intimate.

So I haven't brought my drums.

Instead, I'm going to play this cheese grater...

with this screw.

We're going to sing a song about the different noises that animals make.

One, two, three, four!

NURSERY RHYME-LIKE INTRODUCTION

# Down on the farm where the animals play

# Jump in the mud and the grass and the hay

# Time to learn what the animals say

# Down on the farm today

# What does the cow say?

Please don't eat me!

# That's what the cow says

# What does the hen say?

My babies! Please don't take my babies away from me again!

Oh, God! When will this nightmare end?

# That's what the hen says

# What does the duck say?

Give me the bread! Give me the bread! Give the bread!

Oh, man, I could really use some bread right now!

Hey, you! Look at me!

I'll suck your dick for that piece of bread right there!

# That's what the duck says

# What do the sheep say?

-Hello, Mavis. I like your jumper!

-I like your jumper!

-That's a really nice jumper.

-Thank you.

-You've got a mark on your jumper.

-I've got summat on my jumper?

-Round the back of your jumper.

-Round the back of my jumper?

-Sort of near your arse.

-That's shit from my arse, isn't it?

-It's shit from your arse.

-It's my favourite jumper as well.

-That's a shame.

-That is not coming out.

-No.

# That's what the sheep say

# What does the rooster say?

Wake up, everybody!!

I had that dream again!

You know the one where I'm falling?

What do you think it means?

# That's what the rooster says

# What does the farmer say?

I'm getting really into animal husbandry.

Animal husbandry? That's the care and rearing of livestock.

Yeah.

# That's what the farmer says

# Now you know what the animals say

# Each and every single da-a-a-ay

-#

-The only release is death.

-#

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thanks very much! Goodnight!

Dead Cat Bounce!

I don't have much time for nature. I grew up in the middle of nowhere.

They trick you when you're growing up into going outside.

When you're a teenager, you're told to do a thing called The Duke of Edinburgh Award.

What it was, they said, "Do this and it'll help you get a job in later life."

Then in later life it turns out that camping isn't a transferable skill.

We did The Duke of Edinburgh Award. We were 16, me and my mates.

To give you an idea of how cool we are,

none of us at this point had kissed a girl.

We got out onto the moors, we were walking along, and we unpacked.

This was when I noticed that my friend Thomas had packed a condom.

As if he'd gone, "I haven't kissed any of the 700 girls at my school,

"but once I hit this desolate moorland, my luck will be in."

Either that or he presumed the award was so well regarded

the moment he crossed the finish line

women would be throwing themselves at him!

"Take off your cagoule, I want you here and now."

I said, "Why have you packed a condom?"

He said, "It's not cos of that.

"It's cos I've read in a survival book

"that you can fill a condom with water

"up to the size of a telephone box."

I said, "It's knowing information like that

"hat shows why you've never kissed a girl in the first place, mate!

"Also, how much help is that going to be on a 35-mile hike?

"What if you bump into someone you know? 'All right, Steve?' 'What the hell is that?!'

"'This is just my aqua-sheath. Sorry, do you want a glass?'

"'Thank God for that. I thought you were being followed by that thing from The Prisoner!'"

And my main question -

why does a condom need to go that big in the first place?

If you need a condom to go that big, seek medical advice!

If you're going to a girl,

"If it sounds like I'm about to come, run for your life!

"The reason I've opened the window is it's going to be like a tsunami down there. Clear the area."

I didn't enjoy going on these expeditions.

The worst was when I was 16. We went, me and my family

and friends, went to Alton Towers, right.

We didn't have very good theme parks where I came from in Devon.

The most exciting thing that happened to me at a theme park

in Devon was I was once on the ghost train

and I saw a skeleton eating his lunch.

That is unbelievable. We're all allowed to eat at our desks,

but that's taking the piss, isn't it?

Also a Ryvita and an apple.

You're a skeleton - you don't need to diet!

Have a lasagne! Enjoy yourself!

What happened, we went to Alton Towers.

We went on this ride called The Black Hole.

It's a dreadful ride. It's a ride that's in a dome in the dark.

And it's not very fast.

So you don't have these things that come down over your shoulders.

Instead, you go two to a cart. Not next to each other -

instead, one behind the other, like this.

One of you has to sit like this with your legs spread wide.

Then the other one has to kind of cushion in,

facing forwards, obviously.

Facing backwards, that'd be a very different ride indeed.

"Are you ready to ride missionary?" "No, I'll give it a miss, thanks."

That is awkward. For a minute, riding The Black Hole.

We broke down on The Black Hole.

We were there for 20 minutes!

After three minutes, they brought up the lights.

You know when they turn the lights on at a nightclub

and you go, "What the hell am I doing and with who?"

Never have I been spooning my best mate.

It's basically some Radox and an Enya CD away from it being a sexy bath!

It's like something from Ghost.

They might as well bring the lights up,

have a potter's wheel and play Unchained Melody!

I'm not dead, but I wish I was!

I wanted to talk to my mate, but that would be whispering in his ear and that isn't going to help matters.

And he was tense. I thought, I can't give him a massage,

that is going to set a very strange precedent.

And even though there was no sexual chemistry,

all that was going through my head for 20 minutes was,

"Do not get an erection now!

"Cos if you do, your friendship will be ruined for ever."

After five minutes, an announcement came up.

It said, "Please be aware The Black Hole has broken down."

No shit!

We were all sat there going, "This is weird ride, isn't it?"

And then the mechanic came, pushed us forwards three yards, the cameras went off.

No-one wants that photo.

No-one's sat here thinking, "This'll make an awesome mouse mat. I'm having a lovely time."

A guy at the back said, "Blitz spirit. Let's have a sing-song."

No, let's not have a sing-song!

Even though we're in the perfect position to do Oops Upside Your Head.

-Ready for our next act? AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

Please welcome the wonderful Dana Alexander!

-All right, Scotland, are you well?

-Yes!

Oh, my God, it's nice to be here, as always.

It was very interesting the first time I came to Scotland,

they told me I'd have a hard time understanding Scottish people.

I ended up in Edinburgh and I'm like,

"I understand Scottish. This is amazing!"

I forgot about Glasgow!

You go to Glasgow, it's like, "This is the remix."

I get in the cab. "Can I put yer luggage in the boot, hen?"

I'm like, "Say that again!"

I figured out my last name is Scottish.

Alexander is a Scottish last name.

I know! You guys owned slaves, too! What's up?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Usually they don't laugh. They stop in shame.

"Not funny. We don't like this girl."

I love trying to get English people excited. That's my favourite thing.

I find you can never just say things direct in England,

do you know what I mean?

They won't tell you that you're right.

They tell you you're not wrong.

It's not the same. It's ridiculous.

You could defecate on an English person's doorstep,

and you're like, "Now you're gonna kick off."

ENGLISH ACCENT: "It wasn't ideal."

But I do love working-class English people.

Make some noise, working-class English people. Anybody?

A MAN CHEERS Outnumbered tonight, eh?

That's all right. I remember watching this one band.

No word of a lie, this is how the guy brought his band on.

ENGLISH ACCENT: "This song goes out to my friend

"which is in jail right now for doing graffiti.

"I don't believe you should go to jail for doing what you love.

"Unless you're a paedophile, cos that's just wrong."

Do it!

Yes, I'm a single girl.

I'm having a hard time getting back into dating

because I just don't know what I want.

I like the working class dudes, you know what I mean?

It would make it easier. Simple men.

Just put out, make a sandwich, that's it.

You don't need to read Cosmo.

Sometimes you want to be with a guy that you could discuss a book with.

No, you don't. That's what I discovered.

I started dating this guy, more of an emotional man.

He would always be asking me questions all the time

that I had no ideas what the answers were cos I was used to the simple man.

Questions like, "How do you think that makes me feel?"

"I don't know.

"Hungry?

"Do you want to have sex or something?"

What I figured out about myself,

if I cannot trick you with a steak, I'm not interested.

But those guys come with side effects.

You ever have sex with a guy that's too sweaty?

-WOMAN:

-Yes!

LAUGHTER

You don't forget that moment, do you?

I'm laying there, know what I mean? I'm trying to be casual about it.

I'll take it where I can get it. I'm laying there like,

"Ooh-hoo-hoo."

I try to sneakily grab the little tissue off the side...

Hoo-hoo-hoo!

He looks down, "Please stop doing that! It's not sexy!"

I'm like, "It's getting in my eyes!"

You guys have been great. Take care. Have a good one.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Dana Alexander!

Our next act is one of the most exciting acts at Edinburgh every year.

Please welcome the wonderful Jason Byrne!

Hello!

First of all, well done, Team GB. Fantastic. It's all over.

Big cheer. Well done. Fair play.

Of course, Chris Hoy, who's from Edinburgh. Hooray!

Brilliant. Gold medals hanging out of him with his massive legs!

And, of course, Andy Murray, as well.

He won that gold in the tennis.

Well done him. He was playing Roger Federer, as well, which was amazing.

I was watching that match, Andy Murray versus Federer.

I was wondering, "My God, why did Federer let him win?"

It was the weirdest thing ever.

All I could think was that Federer probably wouldn't be able to handle

having him crying again at the end of the tournament.

Did you see Federer? He was going, "Oh, I'll just..."

You could see...

Cos Andy Murray, you could see his shots coming a mile away.

The big angry Scottish head and the big curly hair.

"I'm going to put the ball over there

"and lob this one there!

"He won't have a clue where it's coming from!"

Did you see Federer missing the shots?

"Oh, woopsie-doopsie. Oh."

"Oh, missed again. My genius has been broken

"by this blue, Scottish curly-head fellow."

He just couldn't handle the crying again, that's all it was.

It's unbelievable, cos Federer's a genius.

You never see his shots coming. When he's playing tennis it's like,

"Whoosh, whoosh, fini."

"What happened?" "Doesn't matter. It is over."

The thing with the Olympics, I thought,

there were some tournaments that working-class people, like where I come from

and all my family, we had no business watching a few sports.

And one of the sports we had no business watching was horse jumping.

It's too posh and we have no business watching it.

It's for posh people and that's the end of it.

Posh people on horses just jumping around going...

"Oh, my God, isn't this just fantastic?

"This is beautiful. I'm going to jump over this fence.

"I'm over! I'm over! Ah-ha-ha!"

HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

"Oh, here's another one. Oh! The pole dropped!

"The pole - it fell off! Ah-ha-ha! Ah-hah-hah!"

"It's OK. A poor person will pick it up. Just keep going."

And the main one which we had, oh, my God, dressage!

DRESSAGE?!

What the hell are they doing?

Ah-hah-hah!

Ah-hah! Ah-hah-hah!

There's working-class people watching that at home going,

"Mary, get in here!"

"There's a dancing horse on the telly!"

"I'm serious. It's not even in the circus! It's on the Olympics!"

Unbelievable! I think I know how they train those horses, right?

This is what I reckon they do.

They get the horse to shit

all over the compound that it spends all day in.

And then it just does this all day,

trying to avoid its own shit!

"Oh, God, it's bloody everywhere!

"Jesus, there's shit all over this compound.

"Yep, that's definitely shit.

"It's bloody everywhere, this shit."

Anyway,

that was exhausting!

I did that with my calves.

Maybe even win a gold medal for it.

Ladies and gentlemen, you've been brilliant.

I've been Jason Byrne. Good night!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Jason Byrne!

Our next act is an absolute circuit legend.

Please welcome the wonderful Marcus Brigstocke!

Hello!

CHEERING

Nice to be here in Scotland. Any of you Scottish? Good.

I love coming up to Scotland.

I was going to get the train up but because when I was five

I didn't know I'd grow up to be a comedian,

I missed out on the Advance Saver Fare!

Why are people who book in advance getting a discount?

They've got efficiency going for them.

I'm a chaotic prick - I need help.

Ridiculous.

First class fare from London to Birmingham on the day of travel,

£178!

BIRMINGHAM ACCENT: To visit the Venice of the Midlands.

£178 for the Venice of the Midlands.

Or £38 for the Venice of Venice!

Actual Venice, on a plane, for a fraction of the price.

I've got an idea.

I know how we can make some money back from the railways.

We fine them for every word they use in an announcement

that they don't need to. £100 a word.

"Leeds is your next station stop.

"Your next station stop will be Leeds is your next station stop.

"The next station at which we stop will be Leeds. Is your next sta..."

JUST SAY LEEDS!

If you're on a train and it stops at a thing with platforms

and people and 19 different pasty outlets,

and you don't know that's a station,

then screw you! No more train travel!

It's too exciting for you, you prick!

Fine them for every word.

"For those of you de-training at Leeds..."

I will not de-train, I will get off.

If I want to de-train, I'll get pissed, go back to university

and try and forget the things I learned.

"For those of you de-training at Leeds, we'd like to remind you

"to take all your possessions with you."

We know! They're our possessions!

Listen, people on public transport. Here's how this works.

If you go on a train and you take your things with you,

and then when you get off the train you don't take your things with you,

they're no longer your things.

They're just things.

Pretty simple. Basic. Got to take them with you.

"We'd like to remind passengers

"that only those of you in possession of a valid ticket for this service

"will be allowed to use this service..."

Oh, really? I made my own ticket!

"I'm very disappointed."

We know! Smokers, do you need to be told it's a non-smoking service?

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-No.

-No. Smokers, give me a cheer.

FAINT RESPONSE Come on, we're in Scotland. There's a lot more of you than that!

Ughh.

There's a tiger at the back in tears.

Smokers, you don't need to be told, do you?

"We'd like to remind you that this is a non-smoking service."

We know. They all are.

Then they specify the ways in which it's non-smoking.

"You can't smoke in the carriages,

"between the carriages, moving through the train,

"in the buffet car, the toilet, on the roof, underneath.

"Don't make me use the word vestibule, I will burn you in the face."

Smoke if you wish.

Ladies and gentlemen, you've been absolutely delightful.

Thanks for having me. Take care. Good night.

Marcus Brigstocke!

The next act is one of my absolute favourites.

Please welcome the wonderful Jimeoin!

All right?

-Ready for more jokes? AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

Some of these young comics at the Fringe

it's all about having an opinion.

Talking about some country in the Middle East that they don't live in.

How it should be run.

Then in the next breath they're saying their latte is cold!

You go, "I don't want to hear your opinion. Just tell me your jokes."

That's just my opinion.

I don't like my latte being cold, by the way.

I just thought I'd say that right now.

It should be a little bit warmer. No need for that.

Do you know who I blame for that? Christians.

I'm joking!

It's the Jews.

No, I read the papers.

If I've got a gig, I sit there with all the papers,

go through them with a pen,

and colour people's teeth in.

What was I talking about?

You weren't listening, were you?

I forget what I'm talking about. I'm at that age.

You walk into a room and say, "What did I come in here for?"

Open the fridge, go into soft focus.

Close it. "What did I open the fridge for?"

Driving my car, going, "Where am I going?

"I was looking for something in the fridge!"

That's not the fridge, by the way, that's the microwave!

That's the fridge.

That's the dishwasher.

That's me kicking her in the ass, going, "Wash those dishes!"

That's me closing a whole load of doors.

I do a little bit of mime in my act. Probably noticed that.

I'm not taking myself seriously as a mime artist just cos I'm on stage.

Lazy miming, the way we all mime.

Do phones...

don't hang them up.

Open doors, leave them open.

Other mime artists come on stage after me and go,

"Look at the state of this place."

Don't remember opening that.

Ever in the kitchen in the middle of the night

and the fridge goes, "Brrr."?

I didn't know they got cold, too!

Do you ever have to make ice for the fridge?

It's a tricky job, that, isn't it?

You have to get from the sink to the fridge with a tray of water.

You can mess it up even before you've begun.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Put it in the microwave as well.

That's all from me. Thank you very much. Good night! Thank you!

Give him a hand!

Ready for our next act? Please welcome the wonderful Des Clarke!

Hello, everyone. Let's hear it for Scotland! Let's hear it!

CHEERING Thank you very much.

It's nice to be here tonight. I'm from Glasgow.

People say to me, why do you speak so quickly?

I talk so fast because I'm from Glasgow.

My life expectancy is 43 - I'm running out of time, big man!

I've had a few strokes just answering you. Let's hurry this up!

We're put upon in this nation.

Earlier this year, they had a go at pasties.

Greggs isn't a shop in Scotland, it's a religion.

We're strangely upbeat in Scotland, as well, and I like that.

We watched the Olympic Games opening ceremony

with glee in Scotland. We loved it. It was good to get involved.

Though there was one group of people in this country didn't like it.

A small group of people in an office in Glasgow

whose task is to organise the Commonwealth Games opening ceremony.

Looking at how good that was, going, "Oh, shite!

"We'll need to cancel The Krankies. It's terrible."

"Have you got a number for Susan Boyle? We need the big guns."

Two years' time, 2014, we've got the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow.

We've no idea how we won the bid!

I think the organisers turned up in Glasgow,

saw all of us walking about in tracksuits and thought,

"They must be sporty!" Big mistake.

Good luck with that.

We have an unnecessary aggression in this country and we love it.

Even the way we talk to each other in couples.

I has a girlfriend that had a go at me one night.

Her problem with me, "Your eyelashes are too long."

She did what Scottish women do if they want to make a point.

They move their heads side to side.

"Don't you talk to me!"

Scottish guys, trying to chat you up, become pigeons and nod at you.

"You want to have sex with me?"

"Do you want to have sex?" "Don't you talk to me."

Between them, they've got all the compass points sorted. Brilliant.

"Your eyelashes are too long. That's not fair. They don't belong on a guy."

"I say sod all about your moustache. What's the problem here?"

It was great. She tried to spice things up in the bedroom.

She asked us to dress up. That was good.

She said, "Let's do that school uniform thing.

"Let's pretend we're back at school."

She gave me a bloody wedgie. I couldnae walk.

I had the greatest honour in my life this year.

I got to carry the Olympic torch.

They sold it to me as the unique special experience.

You'll stand out from every member of your community.

Fast-forward to me standing in the middle of Glasgow

on a Friday night in a white tracksuit

with a bit of metal that somebody I don't know had set on fire.

I looked like everybody else in the centre of Glasgow that night!

All my family were there, apart from my dad.

"I'll not get parked." Thanks for your support(!)

The most amazing experience of my life. The actor James McAvoy handed me the torch

in the centre of Glasgow. I was told one bit of information when you're getting the torch -

"Remember the torch kiss. Just remember the torch kiss."

I was nervous. The torch came. I kissed the tor...

I kissed James McAvoy!

Mwa!

It was an amazing experience. Slightly weird.

He called the police. It was fine.

Then I did that 300 metre run.

And one last thing I want to share with you

is, whilst doing that run, the most amazing moment of that run,

is that from nowhere, out the middle of the crowd,

my dad just jumped out!

I shat myself!

And I would love to end this gig by saying I said something

profound to that man, words that can be quoted for years,

poetic things that will go on my gravestone.

Here's what happened. I was running...

I saw him. All I could say was,

"Where did you get parked?"

Ladies and gentlemen, you've been amazing. I'm Des Clarke. Thank you. Good night.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Des Clarke!

This has been the Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live.

Thank you very much for coming.

My name is Josh Widdicombe. Cheers. Good night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd