Episode 1 Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live

It's Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live!

Please welcome your host, Kevin Bridges!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Yeah! Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Good evening and welcome along to Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live. Yeah!

Has everybody had a good festival? Have you enjoyed it? Good Fringe?

It's been a good summer. I've enjoyed it a lot.

We've had a heat wave. It's been a scorcher in Scotland.

I love Scottish people when we get a scorcher.

We're not just content with a nice day.

We need to watch the weather, we need to watch the global weather

to see how we compared on the big league, innit?

Like to sit there and watch the results coming in.

I've heard my dad, I thought

my dad had a football coupon on this summer.

"We got a 23, Son. Only 2 behind Madeira. Yes!"

I went on holiday. I don't go mental holidays any more.

I went on holiday for a week this year. It was quite calm.

On my holiday this year, I just went to the water park.

Day one, got sunstroke, and then spent the next six days

lying on a pull-out couch watching Sky News. Eating the local crisps.

That was my holiday.

"I don't feel well, somebody go to the shop and get me

"a packet of Ruffles."

"Jamon flavour."

"You know what I'm like when I don't get my Jamon-flavoured Ruffles."

It's an easy way to depress the shit out of yourself,

watching Sky News for six days.

I just feel powerless,

the amount of bad stuff that's going on in the world.

We've just got too much access to information.

Wikileaks, the guy got 35 years.

I'm all for Wikileaks, but it's just stuff you kind of knew, isn't it?

"Wikileaks cables reveal inhumane conditions

"and torture at Guantanamo Bay." Well, thank God for Wikileaks.

I was fed up relying on TripAdvisor.

"We found the staff somewhat unpleasant."

"The room was a little cramped.

"18 of us in what was a twin at best."

Done a bit of travelling. Have we got tourists in?

Edinburgh Festival, it's a big tourist magnet.

-Who have we got?

-SCATTERED WHOOPING

-Big guy there, who cheered, where are you from?

-Glasgow.

-Glasgow, good to see you.

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

People flocking from all over!

Anybody not from Scotland?

Inverness!

Inverness, right.

"Anybody not from Scotland?"

We got a guy from Inverness.

The People's Independent Republic of Inverness.

Who recently won their battle against the Scottish oppressor

to form a free state.

We're getting excited about that in Scotland, independence,

the referendum. We're letting 16-year-olds vote.

That'll secure a record number of spoiled ballot papers.

"Nicola Sturgeon loves the boaby."

We welcome...we welcome the tourists. I've done a bit of travelling.

I was in New York. I was in America for a week, I went over there.

You don't realise in the modern-day technology how much shite

you take photographs of until you go somewhere worth photographing.

I was in New York standing on top of the Empire State building,

deleting fry-ups.

"What means more to me, Ground Zero or that night I made fajitas?"

"It's been 12 years, and they were delicious."

I went into a clothes shop in New York called Abercrombie & Fitch.

You been there? Glasgow guy? Have you been there?

I never knew it was that kind of shop. It's for the beautiful people.

The staff... I don't mean that as a slant on you.

It is. The women staff, female staff are beautiful.

The guys, the male staff are topless, that's the thing.

These guys are ripped, they've got six-packs.

Stunning, Adonis looking guys.

I'm talking Peter Andre, Mysterious Girl video kind of guy.

He said to me, "Can I help you, sir?"

I'm straight, but I was blushing when he talked to me.

He said, "Can I help you, sir?" I thought it would be quite funny

to say, "I'm just here to hand in my CV."

So I got talking to the Abercrombie & Fitch guy.

I told him I was a soccer fan.

And he goes, "Yeah, you guys take soccer pretty serious, huh?"

He said, "Is it true that on soccer day in Scotland,

"if you walk into the wrong bar,

"and the other team's fans recognise you,

"that you're from the other side, that the main guy walks up to you

"and grabs you by the ears

"and he sucks on your eyeball?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It would break my heart to deny that.

I said, "Tragic, mate, that that still goes on, 2013.

"Old Firm game, everybody sitting there with monocles in."

In the pub beforehand, "Get him, Kenny!"

SLURPS

"He's got contact lenses, the Fenian bastard!"

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

We're kind of over football in Scotland. We're a tennis country.

Andy Murray, this year.

CHEERING

Listen to the enthusiasm in the room.

That's an achievement in itself,

getting Scottish people into tennis.

You can walk into mental pubs in Scotland

and see guys like that sitting arguing about the ATP Masters.

"You're gonnae sit there, Del, and you're gonnae tell me

"Nalbandian would beat Djokovic on clay?"

"Nah, you're a moron, mate. Moron."

Pubs have signs up saying "no tennis colours".

Are we up for a good night of live comedy, ladies and gentlemen?

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

This first guy is a bit of a hero here at the Fringe.

His shows are consistently excellent,

and it's a pleasure to introduce him.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's go absolutely wild

and give it up for the wonderful Jason Byrne.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

It's such a great place, this, you know?

In my show, I was doing a show, and they're asking me in Ireland,

saying, "what are Scots like to gig for? I went,

"They're grand, they're good. Little bit edgy, little bit wooo!

"They're grand." And they go, "If you ask them stuff, will they answer?

"Will they help you?" I went, "Yeah, yeah, they're not too bad at that."

The first gig I had at the festival here, I looked down,

there was a big guy in the front row,

big Scottish guy, loads of tattoos, right?

He had them on him, he wasn't holding them,

he actually had them on him.

And so he was there, and then I looked around, and I said,

"Is there any Australians here? Anybody from Australia?"

There was four Australians in the corner.

And I went, "Where are you from?"

They said Canberra, Sydney, Perth and Adelaide.

I went, "Oh, brilliant."

So to throw the Scottish guy, I went, "What's the capital of Australia?"

thinking he'd say Sydney. And he looked at me and went,

"Who gives a shite?"

LAUGHTER

That's the kind of help you get off Scottish people.

"Dinnae give a shite. Don't care."

He even pointed at the area in case they didn't understand

who was saying it. He was going, "Who gives a shite?

"These four people here,

"I don't give a shite about your country, all right?

"Didn't know it was going to be a Q&A tonight.

"What the hell is going on?"

I was in England, you know, I live Ireland and I was going back

and forward all the time. That's what I do.

This time, I was in a sitcom

and I had to stay in England for about six months, right?

And all the English people here, well done, God bless you,

but your country is odd. It is an odd place, right?

And listen to this, Scotland, right?

In England, they have rules and they follow them!

Did you hear what I said? They follow them! I am not joking you.

They do as they're told all the time.

It's the weirdest shit you'll ever see in your life.

If there's a new arrow at the end of the road in England,

they'll follow it. No questions.

Immediately, they go, "There's an arrow! Fantastic.

"Don't know why, let's go this way."

"There's another arrow!" "Another arrow? "Doesn't matter.

"Very busy, must keep together, everybody follow the arrow."

Here, my God, in Scotland, you stick up an arrow and they go,

"I'm going this way. Not going that way!

"There's no way I'm going to follow that arrow,

"you pointy bastard! I'm going that way!"

"You have to follow the arrow." "I'm not following nothing!

"This is the way I'm going, all right?"

You go that way, and you fall down a manhole into a sewer.

The Scottish person is going, "This is the way I was going anyway!

"It doesn't matter!"

"I actually wanted to go through the sewer, just walking through shite!"

Just for pure spite, you won't get out the sewer.

"I love shite, I love walking in shite! In the dark!

"Bloody arrow! Argh!"

But, yeah, you know. So the rules here are weird.

You're like Ireland, you're just like, whatever.

So at the start, I brought a show up here, and I had a load of props.

And they were coming up from England, so we brought them in.

And whatever ones I wasn't going to use,

we had to send them back to England.

So my English agents went, "OK, we're going to send DHL

"to go and collect your props. And by the way, will you weigh them

"and see how much they weigh exactly, and how big they are,

"cos DHL won't take them," right?

I went, "I'm in Scotland. They're not going to give a shite, seriously.

"Do I have to really do that? They went, "Yes, you will."

In England, if the box is 23 kilos, and it goes over,

DHL will not collect it, right?

So basically, this is what happened.

I'm in this house, has a little driveway, and this guy comes up.

The car's not even marked, I don't know who he is.

Just beeping, the driver, just going BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!

Get out of the car and goes, "All right? DHL?"

No markings on the car. I go, "What's going on, no markings on the car?"

"Ah, the van is knackered."

And I said, "OK." He said, "Where's the stuff?"

I said, "There it is, there. But I didn't weigh it."

And he goes, "Who gives a shite?"

He filled up the back of the car, right, and I said,

"Do you want the address?"

He goes, "No, I don't, they can deal with that in the warehouse."

And he pissed off!

I haven't a clue where me stuff is.

It's been over three weeks now, it still hasn't arrived.

Edinburgh, thanks for having us, good night. Have a good time.

See you later. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Give it up for Jason Byrne!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Another Fringe favourite coming up, give it up for Andrew Lawrence!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you very much. Thank you. Very nice to be back in Edinburgh.

I got the train up this year for the Festival for the first time.

Don't know about you, I think there's nothing creepier in this world

when you're in a completely empty train carriage,

someone gets on and sits down right next to you.

I should really stop doing it, but I'm just so lonely.

Got a mixed audience.

All the couples then, give me a cheer, couples, if you're in love?

CHEERING

RETCHES

Anyone going out with someone uglier than them?

CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

That's a few people. It's the best policy.

If you go out with someone better-looking, you can't relax.

The whole time, you're on edge, trying to be better than you are,

thinking they're just going to run off with someone else.

Eventually they do. But if you go out with someone uglier, do what you like.

Just walk around the house all day in your underpants,

food smeared all over your face.

"Andrew, can you put some trousers on, please?"

"What are you going to do if I don't?"

"Going to leave you." "Good luck with that!

"We both know that's just going to end with you dying alone." I think...

LAUGHTER

I think it's geographical, ugliness, isn't it?

In London, I'm properly ugly.

London seems to attract young, glamorous, ambitious people.

I'm walking around London, I'm a creepy-faced little man.

The further north you go, things improve. Nottingham, I'm average.

Hull, above average.

If I make it all the way to Aberdeen, I know you don't want to hear this,

Scotland, the truth is I'm practically a male model.

LAUGHTER

I've got a friend who's blind.

Every time I see him, he's got some new girlfriend with him,

and they're always stunningly attractive.

I think, "What's the point? How selfish!"

By all means go out with someone fragrant-smelling

with a wonderful personality.

Don't go out with someone good-looking, you can't see them!

Your eyes don't work, do they? Come on. If I was deaf in both ears,

I wouldn't go out with a French lady. What's the point in me

going out with someone with the world's filthiest accent

if I can't even hear it?

If I was deaf in both ears, I'd at least have the common decency

to go out with someone from Birmingham or...South Africa.

That's the least alluring accent.

I defy anyone anywhere to be seduced by a South African accent.

SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT: I was on the other side of the room.

I wondered whether you might want to come to my bed-and-breakfast,

have some sort of sexual intercourse of some description.

Possibly, perhaps. Say yes. I have a gun. I will shoot you in the face.

I don't want to offend anyone tonight. I want to be careful not to.

LAUGHTER

You've got to be careful. People are offended by different things.

Some people say you shouldn't make jokes about fat people.

I think it depends on context.

If you say to a fat person, can I make jokes about you,

they'd probably say, "No, how dare you, who do you think you are?"

If you say to a fat person "Can I make jokes about you

"if I give you this biscuit?" they'd probably be fine with it.

Got to keep it clean tonight. It's going out on the television.

It's pretty bleak seeing yourself on television. You see yourself from an outside perspective.

You see yourself as other people see you.

"Oh, that's me, is it? How disappointing. Barely human.

"I look like I've been crafted out of pate. Look at me.

"My head looks like a discount leftover Halloween pumpkin

"that has been kicked around someone's garden,

"trampled all over and left to rot in the sun.

"Look at me. I looked like I've been sent down from outer space to invade

"the earth with ropey comedy."

Honestly, seeing myself on television I'm appalled, disgusted, repulsed.

Most of all I'm slightly afraid to switch off in case it somehow

affects the ratings. It's not a healthy mindset, is it?

I wish I could make a big entrance, come on stage.

I shuffle on a bit awkward, embarrassed.

I wish I could glide on with an arrogant swagger.

There's too much arrogance in the world. When I meet someone who is a full of themselves,

I think, "What have you got to be so pleased about. You don't know what

"you're doing in this world. You don't know what's going to happen.

"You don't know what I'm thinking. You don't know what anyone else is thinking.

"All you know is one day somewhere, somehow you're going to die.

"Your sphincter will loosen, probably going to soil yourself, some poor blokes will have to come along

"and clean up the mess, probably for minimum wage.

"I suggest you take the smug grin off your face,

"the narcissistic twinkle out of your eye, and adopt

"an embarrassed expression of fear, trepidation and self-loathing.

"You're the same as everyone else. Death is coming for you.

"When it comes, it's bringing indignity."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I like to think, once the comedy work dries up,

I'm going to have a successful career as a motivational speaker.

That's the way forward for me. You've been lovely.

You've got a phenomenal evening ahead of you. Have a wonderful time. Good night.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Give it up for Andrew Lawrence.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This next guy is fantastic. I toured with him last year.

He is a mate of mine. Give it up for the superb Neil Delamere.

APPLAUSE

Hello, Edinburgh. It's a pleasure to be back

and talk to audiences who are so unbelievably responsive.

I had a guy who is a paramedic in the front row last week.

Because I'm a child, I said "have you ever pulled anything

"out of anybody's bottom?"

And he went, "Oh, not at work."

His wife went, "Arghh!" I couldn't look at the two of them

in the eye for the rest of the gig. It's an awful affliction.

You can't talk about that area of the body. You have to be very careful.

Gerry Adams, the President of Sinn Fein, we all know Gerry Adams.

He had a prostate operation recently in America.

People went, "Who paid for it?" That is not the issue.

Somebody had to anaesthetise Gerry Adams.

Which means you have to get the patient to count backwards.

How terrifying...

..would it be to be in the room with Gerry Adams, looking at you,

going, "Five, four, three..."

You would kack yourself.

Last time I was in Edinburgh, I went to a football match.

I was frisked walking in. That freaked me out.

I've never been frisked going into a match in my life.

I go to Gaelic sports in Ireland.

You can bring anything into a Gaelic games ground.

You could bring a javelin into Croke Park Stadium. What's wrong with that?

My umbrella is broken.

Why are you bringing a pointed stick? There might be cocktail sausages.

Get one for me. I will get one for you.

I walk in and he frisks me. All I have on me is a fruit snack pack.

From Sainsbury's. It's just slices of an apple.

He says, "You can't bring that in." I say "Why not?"

"Because an apple can be used as a weapon."

I said, "I'd like to see you in Helmand province."

"Some lad shooting at you

"and you hoof a Golden Delicious at the side of his face."

"Besides, it's not an apple, is it? It's slices of an apple.

"What do you think I'm going to do?

"Smuggle in the individual parts of an apple and then painstakingly

"reassemble it, make a simple sniper rifle and kill somebody?"

"You might, mate." "What are you talking about?!

"You're selling burgers upstairs. That's a bit of a risk.

"How do you know no-one stitched them back together to form

"an angry bullock and herded it onto the pitch? What will happen then?"

He goes, "I don't know." No-one's ever thrown an apple at a football match.

What was thrown at Luis Figo when he went from Barca to Real Madrid?

Any of you know? A pig's head.

Even that day, when the perfect accompaniment...

..to the pig's head would have been an apple. No-one threw an apple.

I'd love to throw an apple at a football match. Man United - Liverpool.

Hoof it onto the pitch. David Moyes wouldn't know what it was because he is Scottish,

it's fruit, it's not part of your diet. Let's be honest.

Luis Suarez would take a massive bite out of the apple.

Wayne Rooney would hear a Granny Smith was nearby and try to shag it.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What did I do? I ate the apple. That's what normal people do.

You consume it because you don't want to waste it.

It's the same reason you see people drinking three litres of water at the

airport when you can only get hundred millilitres through the checkpoint.

Have you seen that? "That's too big to bring through."

"Well, screw you. I don't even want this. I don't even want it.

"I'm going to have to have a piss to make room.

"My liver is floating above my lungs."

"I feel a little bit bloated." "Stop drinking it."

"I'm not giving that prick the satisfaction."

Which is fine for water.

My friend used up all his deodorant at the checkpoint one day.

It was the size of a Shetland pony.

"You can't bring that in." "Well, screw you."

HE MIMICS A SPRAY CAN

He's mental. It was a roll-on.

Two white patches over a black leather jacket.

He looked like a dairy cow. Someone tried to milk him in the duty-free.

He didn't care. He didn't sweat for two and a half weeks.

His own row of seats on the Ryanair plane.

He shouldn't have been let on the plane.

He was flammable at this point. You shouldn't be let on.

Don't you laugh. Two sniffer dogs died of solvent abuse that day.

But he stood up to authority. I never stand up to authority.

My girlfriend is the authority in our house. I'll give you a tip.

Never do this. I'll leave you with this. She roared at me the other day.

"Have you ever cleaned out the lint drawer...

"..of the dryer?"

I said I didn't know we could keep chocolate in the dryer.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You've been a pleasure to talk to. Bye-bye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Give it up for Neil Delamere.

Let's keep it going. Next act. Give it up for Charlie Baker.

Hello. Good evening. Edinburgh. Nice to see you.

Let's get one thing out of the way. What a lovely-looking man.

Yeah, I know. Lovely, lovely. Lost a bit of weight.

I've been on the five and two diet. Anyone done that?

I have five sausages when I should only have two.

I had a haircut. I was in the hairdresser's

and there was a woman next to me getting hair extensions.

I don't understand people doing stuff to themselves like that.

I don't understand hair extensions.

I know you're not doing it to try to attract the opposite sex

but if you are, I think you're wasting your time.

I've never met a bloke who's gone, "I really love her. Really love her.

"I just wish her hair was longer, instantly. Just like overnight."

Then she tried to tidy my eyebrows up.

She said, "Can I tidy your eyebrows up?" I don't let anyone do that to me.

I tell you why. Here's a question. Who likes sex? Yes.

Lady there put her hand up. It's not an auction.

One, two, three, six and nine.

I like sex. I think I'm pretty brilliant at it.

Last time I was in Edinburgh I had a one-night stand.

Because I was...lonely. Pretty lonely. It was with this woman.

What she decided to do to herself,

she decided to pluck all her eyebrows out, all of them.

And then draw them back on with a pencil.

I don't understand why you'd do that.

She wasn't one these people doing it in a shopping centre.

I see people doing that. It wasn't one of those.

She'd taken off and drawn them on. Why would you do this?

I'd like to be there when it happens. I'd like to see the process.

I'd like to see the... Just tidy these up.

Just even it up.

No.

Oh, God.

In for a penny.

Not quite the look I was going for.

Let's draw them on with a crayon. there we go.

We went back to her flat for a beautiful night of love.

I woke up next to her the next morning. I looked over her. I was...

I was looking at her and they'd come off.

It was like lying next to Voldemort or something.

I couldn't see them. I thought they might be on the pillow.

I couldn't see them. I thought, "I'm getting out of here. I'm a gentleman."

Anyway...

I kicked off the covers and got out of bed.

I caught myself in the mirror on the way out. They were on me.

Like I need more eyebrows.

I've got four, she's got none.

I caught myself in the mirror and was a bit shocked. I went, "Ooh."

This woke her up. She said, "Surprised you're still here."

I said, "I couldn't tell."

That's me. Thanks a lot, ladies and gentlemen. Cheerio. Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Give it up for Charlie Baker.

This woman is building herself a fantastic reputation.

One of the sharpest comedians on the circuit.

Give it up for the wonderful Roisin Conaty.

Hello.

You seem like a lovely crowd. My name is Roisin.

I come from a massive Irish family.

I spend a lot of time with my 85-year-old Irish grandmother.

She is good for material, if nothing else.

She decided she was getting her passport renewed, even though

she hasn't left the country in the last 15 years.

She went and got her photos done and phoned my entire family.

IRISH ACCENT: "My face doesn't look right. There's something wrong with

"my face in these photos. My face looks very strange."

I was sent down to check why her face looked strange in these photos.

I went down. I went to her house. She showed me the photos.

You know when you go into the passport photo machine, you can choose the backgrounds?

My nan was sat in the middle of the Manchester United football team.

Like some wrinkly little mascot.

But when I pointed it out to her,

she didn't quite understand the technology.

She was acting like she'd been quantum leaped.

"Who are these men? When did it happen?"

She was embarrassed. She phoned me up a few days later.

"You're laughing, you think I'm stupid.

"Let me tell you this. The same thing happened to my friend Rita

"and she's only 73." I said, "What happened to Rita?"

"Didn't she end up in Postman Pat's van?"

The thing is, Rita made it to the passport agency.

The cat's not even mine. It must've snuck in.

I can't bring him to the Canary Islands.

I'm a very unhealthy person. Have we got smokers in?

CHEERING

At the back.

I'm a smoker. I hate being a smoker.

For a long time I convinced myself, "I enjoy a fag, though."

There's a point in your life when you realise you're just an addict.

I've got no say in it. We're demonised.

I hate the way the Government treats smokers. They sell us fags and patronise us.

Every year they come out like, "We're raising the price of cigarettes to deter the smoker."

It's like, no, when you raise the price of cigarettes, all you're doing is making poor people not buy fruit.

That's all that happens.

"Sorry, how much were those fags? Put those apples back, Gary."

We're sold the idea healthy people are happier. I joined a gym. I don't belong there.

You know those men in the gym who've lifted weights for so long

they can't put their arms where they're meant to be?

They've lifted weights for so long they've made their arms curly.

And they look as happy as a pig in shit.

That's their life choice. Every day, that's how they get happier.

"God, my arms nearly touched my sides, get down the gym!"

Mate, what's all this in aid for?

We've got JCBs, we don't need this.

What are you doing this to yourself for?

It's gone mad how much time we put into our appearance.

People are bleaching their own bum holes, guys!

Do you know that? You do now.

Literally looking for happiness up their own arseholes.

I mean, OK, they came for the boobs, I said nothing.

They came for the vaginas, with their glittery wand sticks.

I don't know why people got scared of vaginas in the last five years.

"Oh, God, take it off, colour it in, give it some eyes, put glitter on it, make it talk!"

Trying to turn the vagina into a play pen. It's not a play pen, it's a bloody cathedral.

Keep out of it!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

When you come for the bum hole, I've got something to say.

Firstly, most of us are still looking for happiness in the traditional areas -

our families, our jobs, our relationships, you know.

How good is everything in your life that you have to go looking for something to blame your malaise on?

"No, I don't feel right. You know when you just don't feel right...

"Hang on a minute!

"I knew it - my arse is too arse-coloured."

Ladies and gentlemen, you've been lovely. Enjoy the rest of your show.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Give it up for Roisin Conaty!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm going to keep it moving on. This next guy is an incredibly talented comic.

He's a bit of a joke machine, you'll have seen him on Mock The Week.

Give it up, please, for Gary Delaney.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, Edinburgh.

CHEERING

I took a poll recently and 100% of people

were quite annoyed that their tent had fallen down.

LAUGHTER

I'm still a bit shaken up. I was involved in quite a violent mugging the other day.

But on the plus side, I did make a few quid.

I had a vindaloo last night and today my arse really stings.

Couldn't afford to pay the bill and the chef bummed me.

LAUGHTER

I appreciate that is a very immature and childish joke.

And there's a reason for that - I'm very immature and childish.

So, sorry about that.

It's not even true. I actually had beef stew with dumplings.

Shouldn't call her that, but she's a big girl.

The doctor told me to lose some weight. I say, "How?" He said, "Don't eat anything fatty."

I said, "What, pies, chips, that kind of thing?"

He said, "No, just don't eat anything, Fatty."

I'm not very good at dwarf impressions.

Still, heigh-ho!

LAUGHTER

I've got two kids, Jane and Emma.

Sadly, they do both get bullied at school.

I can't make it stop, but I can help them learn to rise above it.

So the other day I said, "Look, boys..."

LAUGHTER

This morning I made a Belgian waffle.

In the afternoon I made a Frenchman talk bollocks.

I bought a very nice 12-year-old Scotch.

Obviously his parents weren't pleased.

I though PPI was just something you could get if you didn't wear goggles at the swimming baths.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I've got a new job playing the triangle in a reggae band.

And Ting.

Why is it that when women go to the toilet in pairs, no-one minds.

But when I did it, I got thrown out of the greengrocer's.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

When my girlfriend suggested we try playing doctors and nurses,

I was really hoping for something sexier than being left in a corridor for two days.

I hate people who complain about breast-feeding in public.

"I don't want to see it." "That's disgusting."

"You can't do that, you're not a woman."

LAUGHTER

"And that's not a baby."

"And that's definitely not milk."

GROANING AND LAUGHTER

I love that reaction, lovely!

Nan always said that when she was young, she never had to worry about leaving her back door open.

What a slag!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The Archbishop of Canterbury recently said he couldn't support gay marriage without first having a mandate.

Honestly, if he's that bothered, I'll go out with him.

I was watching a really weird porno the other day.

It was just a fat man crying and wanking at the same time.

Then I realised I hadn't turned the telly on.

Clearly some of you have seen it. Obviously a more popular film than I thought.

Thank you, Edinburgh, you've been lovely, I've been Gary Delaney. Goodbye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Brilliant stuff. Give it up for Gary Delaney!

This next act is a pretty cool guy. He's a good mate of mine

and he's a fantastic comedian. He's going to be great.

Everybody, let's go absolutely mental, give it up for Tom Stade.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow!

All right, good evening, Edinburgh.

CHEERING Fantastic to be here.

Um...I'm getting a little older now, man,

and I'm finding shit is getting real weird for me.

Because I'm a very addictive person, right?

And in my 20s, I used to be addicted to weed. I loved it.

And then I got off of it.

And then in my 30s, I got addicted to whisky.

And shit got real violent.

But the stuff I'm addicted to now...

in my 40s, is freaking me out.

I'm addicted to something called Groupon.

LAUGHTER

I don't get it.

I've never... I don't even know how I got addicted to this.

I got my iPhone 4.

And that's when it happened.

Because I downloaded the Groupon app

and they started sending me stuff,

and if you don't know what Groupon is,

it's this company that just fires shit out at you.

"Here you go, monkey. You like that?"

Relentlessly.

Whether you need it or not...

but it's cheap.

And you don't want to miss out...

on something cheap...

that you don't goddam need.

I've got it set on vibrate.

Cos I don't want everybody knowing about my Groupon problem.

And it'll vibrate at the weirdest times.

It'll be like...zzzzzzzzz!

And I'll be like, "Oh, my God!

"There's a sale in my pants."

LAUGHTER

Do I answer the call?

Of course I do.

Cos I'm a junkie.

And I'm like... I'm like, "Don't look, Tom, don't look.

"You don't want to get high again today, Tom."

Awesome!

64%...

..off an indoor...

fruit tree.

LAUGHTER

64%...

off an indoor fruit tree.

Gets you thinking, doesn't it, ma'am?

I'm looking at that, going, you know something?

I'm tired of growing my fruit outside.

I am sick and tired...

of outdoor fruit!

We're going to bring this fruit inside and live with it.

Cos I love fruit in the morning.

I don't want to have to go outside to get my fruit.

I want it to be in my bedroom.

I want to be able to wake up with my fruit.

Cos I wake up every morning at 8.30am

and I got big bay windows

and I want to wake up about 8.30am when the Lord raises the sun...

and then he brings his big sunshiny fingers,

taps me on the head...

"Get up, Tom."

"It's the Lord."

LAUGHTER

"Is that you, Universe?"

"It's me, Tom."

And as it wakes me up,

I want to look over to the woman that I've been with for 18 years,

just lying there...in a big lump.

LAUGHTER

I want to sit and stare at her for about five minutes.

And silently judge her.

LAUGHTER

And blame her for all the things I could have been.

And as she opens her sleepy eyes, I want to be there for her.

I want to be able to go, "Good morning, sunshine."

Puh!

"Here's a pineapple."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

Have a great time, you guys.

Give it up for Tom Stade.

CHEERING

Another mate of mine, a fantastic stand-up, Seann Walsh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

Hello, Edinburgh.

CHEERING Hello. Yes, good to be here.

I moved in on my own recently.

I thought, I'll live on my own, get things done.

Sort myself out.

It's not really happened. It's difficult to sort yourself out when you've got the internet and Sky.

What are you meant to do? How can anyone get anything done?

All I do is scroll and flick.

That's all I do, just scrolling, scrolling,

scrolling, Facebook, scrolling,

scrolling, scrolling...

scrolling... You go back in time, weeks, months,

scrolling, scrolling down the news feeds.

That's not the news, is it?

Imagine that, News At Ten, "Today's headlines, Dave Taylor just had a Pop-Tart #oldschool." What?

LAUGHTER

Flicking through Sky. So many adverts.

Adverts, I really think they lie to us more than they ever have done.

Don't they? They shouldn't be allowed.

Sometimes you watch an advert, you think, I've got that product, I know it doesn't do that.

Some of the slogans that these places have.

"Subway - food for winners."

What?!

No, it's not, it's for drunk people that can't find McDonalds.

The Lucozade ad? That's ridiculous. the Lucozade ad, isn't it?

Men with their tops off, eight-pack, wires on their body

connected to a machine, running on a treadmill...

Come on!

We all know that Lucozade is for the hangover.

We know that. The advert for Lucozade should just be a man on a bus crying.

LAUGHTER

Head leant against the bus window...

LAUGHTER

With a slogan - "Lucozade: buy two bottles if you've got work."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The advert that really annoys me now - there's loads of them -

is the smartphone ads.

All these ads for the smartphones are all the same.

You see them all the time.

Soft focus, low lighting,

the sunshine shining through the gaps

in the spring trees.

There'll be a young guy with a cap on,

rucksack, skateboard,

always smiling.

Who does this? I never smile at my phone.

There'll be a jingle on and a guy who'll check his phone...

LAUGHTER

..smiling at what he's filming.

LAUGHTER

Dancing to the MP3s.

On their own.

LAUGHTER

Who does this? No-one does this. Come on.

I've got one of these smartphones. They hardly ever work.

I think adverts should have to be live footage of real people

using the real product, don't you?

Then the smartphone ads would go a bit more like this...

KEYBOARD PLAYS

Hello?

Hey. Hello? Hello?

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? What about now?

Can you hear me now?

I have my head out the window. Can you hear me now?

LAUGHTER

The maps are brilliant. Look at these maps.

Hang on, I can't work out which way I'm facing.

LAUGHTER

Is that dot me or where we're going?

What's going on?

What is this?

Take a picture.

(Brilliant). Can we do it again?

I filmed it. Sorry.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Why don't you Google it?" "I would do but I've got no 3G."

I just have that little circle, so it takes six hours!

LAUGHTER

"Why not call him?" "Can't - battery's dead."

"Show me that photo from last night." "Can't - battery's dead."

"Show me that video from last night." "Can't - battery's dead."

"Let's have a look at that text." "Can't - battery's dead."

"Use the calculator." "Can't - battery's dead.

"Battery's dead, battery's dead.

"Battery's dead, battery's dead, battery's dead.

"Battery's dead, battery's dead.

"I think I've charged it.

"Ah, forgot to turn it on by the mains."

LAUGHTER

I'm Seann Walsh.

Take care, good night

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Give it up for Seann Walsh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'll keep the comedy cracking along.

One of the fastest-rising young comics - give it up for Ivo Graham!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

Are we good?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

I know I'm not the most convincing comedian.

I know I'm not the most convincing adult male.

LAUGHTER

Got about four minutes to prove it to you. And I will.

I'll tell you about the most adult and dangerous thing I've done,

was in November last year I lost my driving licence.

LAUGHTER

Already I say that and I regret it. I've lied to you to try and sound more cool.

What actually happened was I got two speeding tickets

and was denied use of my parents' car.

Oh!

LAUGHTER

I've tried to juice up that anecdote a bit.

Two speeding tickets, what a way to go(!)

The second one was a sad day.

I got caught doing 88 miles an hour.

Which you may recognise

as the magic time-travelling speed from Back To The Future.

LAUGHTER

I'm delighted to reveal that film is documentary fact.

At 88 miles an hour there was a flash of light

and I was sent back in time...to 2010, when I can't drive.

LAUGHTER

That's a shame - as a wannabe adult, passing my driving test

2.5 years ago is the most exciting thing that ever happened to me.

You lose that, think, "I've peaked.

"The rest of my life will be the life of Benjamin Button,

"going backwards, undoing everything I've achieved so far."

I started off by losing my driving licence. What next?

Get my virginity back and return to university?

Yeah, in that order.

LAUGHTER

You have to pay attention

or some of the tragedy will escape you.

I wasn't ready for the sexually competitive world of university,

mainly as I referred to it as

"the sexually competitive world of university."

LAUGHTER

Also as I'd spent my teenage years in an all-boys boarding school.

Not the best way to prep yourself for adulthood.

I'm not sure what you did with Friday nights as teenagers.

Mine were spent with six or seven other students,

participating in something called The Historical Board Game Society.

LAUGHTER

I won't stand here and knock The Historical Board Game Society.

That would be very disloyal of a former vice-president.

LAUGHTER

Who needs girls and booze when you have half the Austro-Hungarian empire under your thumb?

Not this legend!

LAUGHTER

I was also house catering rep in my last year.

No-one wanted to get on the wrong side of the house catering rep.

To most people, not a very important position,

but if you had a nut allergy...

LAUGHTER

..you put your life in the hands of my menu choices

up to three times a day.

I loved that power. "Watch out for Ivo Graham and his hidden cashews,"

they used to say, I imagine.

LAUGHTER

Imagine being able to choose your school food every day.

I wielded that power.

I made my enemies, obviously.

Some people objected to the more left-field vegetables

I tried to introduce.

We all remember the Mange Tout? Non Merci! campaign of 2007.

LAUGHTER

Second-most dangerous thing that happened to me at school.

The first was I organised a Mario Kart tournament

that was shut down by the authorities

because it had become too violent.

Both on and off-screen.

I was furious at the time.

How did the authorities find out?

Someone had broken the first rule of Mario Kart club.

LAUGHTER

Do not talk about Mario Kart club.

We all know the second rule.

No banana skins on Koopa Troopa beach.

LAUGHTER

We're not animals.

I'm aware there's a tenth of the room enjoying that

and others going, "We thought mange tout was niche..."

LAUGHTER

These were great experiences at school,

just not ones that prep you for the sexually competitive world of university.

I arrived at university and realised

I wasn't the male stereotype that dominates the university landscape.

I wasn't a lad.

Men who drink a lot of beer, play a lot of rugby,

throw things in bins from improbable distances

and high-five one another.

They love to high-five a bin throw.

Oh, yeah!

Successful or otherwise.

I was intimidated by these men,

by how they talked about women.

I'm sure you've heard the verbs these lads bandy around

to talk about their sexual experiences.

Verbs I couldn't imagine using.

Verbs like...

annihilate, and destroy!

Wow! What a dream!

LAUGHTER

It won't surprise you to learn I've never annihilated a woman.

LAUGHTER

I've certainly perturbed and unnerved women.

LAUGHTER

Made apologetic cameo appearances inside women.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thanks, I've been Ivo. Bye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Give it up for Ivo Graham!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This next guy you know well.

The host of Live At The Electric.

He's fantastic - Russell Kane!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Scotland, hello! I love this place.

Thank you for my career.

LAUGHTER

I love watching you shuffle in.

You can spot the English and Scots people coming to a gig.

"Though we're about to have fun, heads down, don't look to the side."

The most we risk on these islands is a side look

on the way in.

Not like Brazilian people -

BRAZILIAN ACCENT: "I look around me!

"I take everyone in. My scrotum's fallen out, not a problem."

LAUGHTER

Have you ever been side-looked

by the person you're side-looking?

It's like an electric shock. You look up like that, they look at you.

"I've been side-looked by the side-looker."

We like keeping it small. Even at a comedy gig,

the audience laughs, then...

SCOTTISH ACCENT: ..Back to normal, "Prove yourself again, jester."

LAUGHTER

Has anyone here ever tried

to learn Spanish or Italian or Portuguese? Anyone?

We struggle - we're so self-conscious in the first lessons.

We don't move our mouths. "Buenos dias."

Look how a Spanish person speaks. "Buenos dias."

LAUGHTER

Look at us. "Good morning. Carol, good morning."

"Buenos dias."

A Spanish person declaring their love.

"Ti quiero!" Look at that!

A Spanish man will break his own jaw if he's in love enough.

"Te quiero!" SNAPPING SOUND

"I love you so much my jaw is broken."

An English man - "Carol, I love you.

"Carol, I love you."

An English person having sex. "Sorry! I love you. Sorry!

"I love you. Sorry!"

APPLAUSE

The Scots are slightly better than us

but the one thing that unifies these islands -

we love keeping ourselves to ourselves. Our little picket fence.

We don't like anything different to happen.

That's why we don't make holiday friends.

Anyone who enjoys making holiday friends - you are not typical

Scots or English.

"Hey, it's Mark and Carol from yesterday!"

"Piss off, you tossers!"

LAUGHTER

"It's the people that befriended us.

"Come in.

"My name's Mark from Surrey. I thought we'd come to every meal."

"Without your teeth?! Prick!" LAUGHTER

Anyone not laughing at that - you are those tossers!

LAUGHTER

You shouldn't even speak to the people you're on holiday with!

One of the things I really admire...you can do a test.

It's not even a British thing.

It's how good you are at becoming toddler-like at night and having that baby sleep.

How many people do inspiring jobs?

Our social workers, teachers, policemen, nurses -

real jobs, unlike me.

Yet no matter what lives you've changed,

what life you've created, who you've expelled,

locked up, you get in that bed and sleep

like an angel. You bastards.

LAUGHTER

The other half - you're with me.

Who needs perfect conditions for sleep?

Give me a cheer. Blackout curtains.

Perfect mattress.

"I've heard a pin drop.

"I'll think about Egypt till 5am. Oh, no!"

LAUGHTER

Horrible.

Be honest here.

Those of you who need perfect conditions for sleep like me -

are you in a relationship with the other frickin' type?

We spend our whole lives listening to your blissful frickin' breathing.

"I've had such a stressful day at work, I won't be able to..."

HE SNORES Bastards!

"I didn't even hear the storm." "Really? Keep going on about it, dick!"

"You really helped me with the problem(!)" Arseholes!

They don't even recline their seat. I'm driving from Essex to Edinburgh.

"You have the seat. Recline it." "No need."

HE SNORES

Just a useless bobbing head.

With a string of dribble like that.

"Oh, we're in Edinburgh. It went so quickly!"

"Did it, dick? I bet it did!"

LAUGHTER Unbelievable!

"I'm going to get to sleep." "There's no bed."

"It's OK, there's a spike and some fibreglass."

LAUGHTER

You're the same freaks that don't get up for a wee during the night.

LAUGHTER

How do you do it?

I drink nothing, just a thimble of Horlicks at 3pm.

2am - jet of piss, 4am - jet of piss. 6am - jet of piss.

Think about Egypt, day ruined. That's me.

APPLAUSE

This is my partner, Lindsey: "I'll have five pints of Ribena - it's bedtime!"

HE GLUGS

Ten hours' sleep - power piss.

HE MAKES SKOOSHING NOISE

SCOTTISH ACCENT: Ladies and gentlemen of Caledonia, thank you.

I've been an Englishman. Good night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Russell Kane!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And give it up for everyone you've seen this evening.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This has been the Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live. Take care.

Good night. Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd