Episode 2 Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live

It's Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live.

Please welcome your host, Adam Hills!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, Edinburgh.

Welcome to Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live. Are you in good form?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

Crazy, drunken Scots!

Every year I come back here, I just...

Whenever I hear the Scottish accent for the first time, I get excited.

The first time I ever came up here, I was on a train from Nottingham.

I had been on the train for about two hours and then I just heard it.

I just heard the announcement that just went...

-IN SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-"Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to advise you

"you're now approaching Berwick upon the River Tweed,

"known as the border between England and Scotland.

"Although the real border is a few miles away yet.

"We'll let you know when we get there."

You get the whole train carriage going, "Oh, come on!"

Two minutes later,

"Ladies and gentlemen, you're now crossing the border from England.

"Welcome to Scotland."

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

It was all I could do to not stand up and go, "Freedom!"

It was amazing. First thing I saw when I got here is still one of my favourite places in the world,

the Royal Hospital for Sick Children.

Which does a great job but also appeared to me

to be the most specific place name ever in the world.

I love it, but Royal Hospital for Sick Children...

Do you need the word "sick"...

LAUGHTER

..in the name of a hospital?

Or is there a Royal Hospital for Healthy Children somewhere?

Keep expecting to walk past the Edinburgh Cemetery for Dead People.

LAUGHTER

In my first year here, I went to the Peter Andre Concert for Wankers.

APPLAUSE

And every year I come here and I try and find something new to say

about the Scottish that isn't just, you drink a lot and you swear a lot.

And my first night here this Fringe, I thought, you know what,

it's ten at night, I'm just going to walk through the city and I'm just going to see what I see,

and see if I can see something new that isn't drinking and swearing.

LAUGHTER

Honestly, I'm not making this up,

these are the two things I saw as I walked through the city.

I saw two guys having an argument with a shop mannequin.

And consciously, it wasn't like they thought it was a guy, they knew what they were doing.

Two guys going, "Hey, hey, where's the train station?

"Where's Waverley Station, ya bastard?!"

There's a guy on the other side - "Is he not talking?" "He's no' talking to me.

"I'm talking to you, ya bastard!" Purely for their own amusement.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Yay!

-HE LAUGHS

-Yay!

Of course it is the International Festival, so there are people here from all nationalities.

I'm assuming there are Irish people in the room?

-SCATTERED CHEERING

-Just a few of you. Good on you. Lovely, you're brilliant.

I think you know what kind of time you'll have in a country by the ads in the airport when you arrive.

You come to Australia and these big ads that go,

"Alice Springs, Ayers Rock," and you go, "I'm going to get rugged in this place."

You arrive in America and it's like flags and you go...

-IN AMERICAN ACCENT:

-"I'm going to get nationalistic here."

You arrive in Ireland and there's just, like, ads for Guinness.

Baileys. "I'm going to get so drunk in this country."

Even the guy that checks your passport is friendly in Ireland.

You go to some places like Germany, they're like...

-IN GERMAN ACCENT:

-"How long are you staying in ze country?"

Come to London as an Aussie, it's like...

-IN HARSH COCKNEY ACCENT:

-"When are you leavin'?"

Went to Ireland for the first time, there's a guy going...

-IN JOVIAL IRISH ACCENT:

-"How long are you staying with us? Ohhh!"

LAUGHTER

Thought I was going to move in with him and his wife.

"Ah, sure, you can stay upstairs.

"Breakfast is at nine, there's pillows on the bed for you."

But my favourite... Here's the thing I was told about Ireland.

You're not in Ireland until you drink a pint of Guinness.

But you're not really in Ireland until you wake up the morning after

drinking way too many Guinnesses and you do the big black Guinness poo.

My first night in Ireland, I had 14 pints of Guinness.

Next morning, my poo wasn't just black, it took

two-and-a-half minutes to come out and had white foam on top.

I had to do half of it and then let it settle for five minutes.

LAUGHTER

-Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your first act?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

Are you fired up, Scotland?!

CHEERING

Let's go as loud as you possibly can for your first act,

a man who was nominated for Best Newcomer at this festival,

Romesh Ranganathan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello. AUDIENCE:

-Hello!

Very excited to be here.

LAUGHTER

I, uh, I've been up here all month.

I've been away from my wife, and my wife's quite glad about that.

She's actually told me to stop talking to the children.

And the reason for that is I've got certain views and opinions

and she doesn't want them soaking them up.

For example, I'm really into my conspiracy theories.

One of the things that I believe quite strongly is that

call centre workers...

just pretending to be Indian because they can't be arsed to help you.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Something I strongly believe.

I'm into my football. I really like the football. I'm a big fan.

My issue with football is how much it costs to go and watch the game.

Like, for the price of a single ticket to go

and watch a football match, I could take my whole family to a farm park.

We could go on the donkeys.

We could get lunch and tea.

I could go on a tractor. All for the price of a single ticket.

And that's why I go and watch the football.

Cos there is no way I want to do that.

The problem for me being a parent is I've got a very short attention span.

When my wife was pregnant with our first son,

we went along for the scan, they show you this picture,

it looks like a walnut, you're supposed to get emotional.

The nurse points to the picture and says,

"It's a boy, there's his penis."

I looked at the picture and I thought, "Oh, my God,

"that penis looks like an arm."

And I don't mean cos he takes after Daddy, I mean it had a hinge!

It had a HINGE!

I'm looking the picture, I think,

"Oh, my God, what if my son has got a third arm growing out his waist?"

Then I start thinking, "Oh, my God, how cool would it be...

"to have a third arm growing out of your waist?"

I start thinking about that, the nurse carries on talking.

She brings me back into the room by saying, "Would that be OK, Romesh?"

Now...

I've got no idea if that would be OK or not.

I've been thinking about being able to wave at someone while taking a piss! I've got absolutely no idea.

LAUGHTER

But I don't want to look like an idiot, so I just say, "Yes, yes, that

"would be OK." And then she writes down, "Romesh to deliver placenta."

I had no idea you could even do that. I was so confused.

I said to her, "Where exactly will I be taking it?"

LAUGHTER

"Don't know what you're on about." One of the things is, you know,

it's been exciting having exam results come out recently.

And it brings me back to my time as a teacher.

I used to do exam invigilation.

Now, for those of you who don't know, this is where the kids are sitting in the hall doing exams

and you've got to walk around and make sure they're not cheating

and they've got enough rulers.

Incredibly boring. I had to find a way of passing the time.

The way that I did this is I played Battleship.

How it worked was, I'd get a piece of paper and I'd write down

on a piece of paper the kid that I thought was the ugliest in the room.

Or the kid that I thought was going to be the last one to ever have sex.

Then the other teacher would walk through the hall...

LAUGHTER

..and they would stop by the kid they thought I was talking about.

LAUGHTER

And if they got it correct, then they had sunk my battleship.

One of the other things I found mental about being in schools is

because of political correctness - which I agree with,

but I do think has gone a little bit bonkers -

all textbooks in schools have got to be multicultural.

Which means that every single question in every single textbook

has got to have a black kid and a white kid in it.

Or a white kid and an Asian kid in it. Now, I don't know about you,

but I wouldn't have wanted to hang out with a kid of another colour if,

every time I met up with him, he wanted to do bloody maths!

The questions you get in these books are amazing, right.

You get questions like, "Philip thinks that the answer is eight.

"Dilip..."

LAUGHTER

"..thinks that the answer is ten. Which one is correct?"

And a kid would put his hand up and say, "I think Dilip's correct." And I'd say, "Why?"

And they would say, "Oh, cos Asian kids are bods, in't they?"

LAUGHTER

And actually have to give him half marks.

Ladies and gentlemen, you genuinely have been, um, adequate.

So thank you so much. I've been Romesh Ranganathan, good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Romesh Ranganathan!

All right, ladies and gentlemen, keep that applause going

for one of the loveliest men in comedy, Hal Cruttenden!

CHEERING

Hello! Lovely to be here, lovely to be in Scotland.

A year out from the independence referendum.

Scotland is very divided. I think it's very divided.

A very divided country at the moment.

Very divided between people who want independence and hate the English...

..and people who want to stay in the Union and hate the English. It's...

LAUGHTER

Hate, hate is a strong word. I know we annoy you. I know that.

I know we do. I know that whenever England are playing football,

most Scottish people support the opposition. Yeah?

We do the same to you, we just never know when you're playing.

LAUGHTER

I love being here, love being up for the festival. I do miss my family.

I miss my wife and kids. I am married to a woman.

I know what you're thinking... Shush. LAUGHTER

I'm not, I'm just very, very English.

My wife is Northern Irish. She is, Northern Irish.

I love Northern Irish people. Very hard to understand the accent.

Very hard.

I can be in a pub in Northern Ireland and people are going...

HE BABBLES INCOHERENTLY

And I'm like, "Yes, no, I don't know."

The English are very bad at understanding accents, and I think

this is why, historically, we have treated countries around us so badly.

Like in the years before independence,

the Irish were saying, "We'd like you to leave now."

We go, "You want us to rule for hundreds of years? No problem!"

You Scots were going, "You can take our life, but you'll never

"take our freedom!"

We go, "You want the poll tax a year early? Of course, consider it done!"

We don't understand. But Northern Irish, it is a scary accent as well.

It is scary in my wife's accent. You know, it's...

My children are more scared of my wife than they are of me.

I've sat them down and said, "Don't you find me a little bit scary?"

And they say, "No, your face wobbles when you get angry."

LAUGHTER

When I was a kid and I was naughty, my mum would say,

"Wait till your father gets home."

I mainly work in the evenings.

When my kids are naughty, my wife says to them...

IN NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT: "Wait till your father goes out."

That's the wrong way round, isn't it? LAUGHTER

But it's a scary accent, it is.

Northern Irish is, and my wife does have a very bad temper.

I know that's a real Northern Irish stereotype,

but when she gets angry, she just explodes.

That's an unfortunate term to use about a Northern Irish person, but...

LAUGHTER ..she just does.

Can't have a quiet row with my wife.

If I'm in a shop with her, having a little row, I'm saying something

bitchy like, "I think you're being a little bit unfair about that."

And she'll just say, "You're an arsehole! You really are!"

I'm very English and middle class,

I'd rather grow a tumour than make a fuss.

I am very middle class, I accept that.

A friend of mine said to me, "You will never

"understand about football cos you're too middle class.

"It's a working-class game." And I said, "No, I'm sorry,

"football has priced working-class people out of the game."

You go to a lot of grounds now and it's just middle-class fans

pretending to be working class.

You see people, "Oi, referee, you wanker!

"I'm so sorry about the language, Giles, but..."

"Mm, God knows what school he went to!"

I get annoyed by the lack of perspective in football.

There is a lack of perspective amongst fans.

I heard a Manchester United fan being interviewed on the radio

about the retirement of Alex Ferguson.

And he said, "When I heard Fergie was going, it was like a death in

the family for me." And the presenter said, "Yeah, mate, I understand."

Not, "You emotionally retarded twat."

LAUGHTER

Because I'd like the media to start getting tough on football fans

with no sense of perspective. I'd like to see that.

Like, you know, end of the season,

I'd like to see Match Of The Day, Gary Lineker sitting there, going,

"Well, if your team has been relegated

"and you're sitting at home crying,

"maybe it's time you redirected your energy to something that matters...

"like your wife and kids. Good night, and grow up."

Wouldn't that be lovely?

Thank you very much, you've been a delight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Hal Cruttenden!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for one of your own.

I saw him a few years ago when he started out

and went, "He is absolutely amazing."

Every year I come back, he's doing better and going from strength to strength.

Would you please welcome to the stage the amazing Des Clarke!

APPLAUSE

Hello, everyone. That's so lovely, that is the Scottish welcome,

thank you very much for that, ladies and gentlemen.

This is true Scottish support. This is what we are world famous for.

Wasn't it great?

One of my favourite moments of the year,

when the Tartan Army went to London, we played England

and we caused not one bit of trouble. Wasn't that great?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

20,000 Scottish fans in Trafalgar Square. A big fountain.

They all said, "They'll pee in that fountain."

Oh, no.

Instead, we filled that fountain with bubble bath.

LAUGHTER

We put Fairy Liquid, soap powder in there - there were suds everywhere.

83 pigeons died, but what a day!

LAUGHTER

That's the friendliest football hooligans in the world!

We will come to your city and clean it up for you, thank you.

LAUGHTER

But we think differently.

We travel round the world and everywhere we go, we think differently.

I was told as a young boy the Scottish accent was sexy.

"Everywhere you go, you'll melt the hearts of women abroad." I went to New York.

I thought, "The Americans will love this."

I was chatting up this girl. In my head I thought, "Here we go.

"Sean Connery, Ewan McGregor..."

Opened my mouth, Groundskeeper Willie off The Simpsons.

LAUGHTER

"Toss my caber." I was thrown out, right?

I did ye proud. I was doing all the best Scottish chat-up lines.

"Dinnae bite the boabie."

I thought I was in, right?

LAUGHTER

"You're getting pumped." I thought, "Why's this not working?"

This girl's looking at me, going. "Oh, my God, your accent, your accent!"

I went, "What about my accent?" She went, "You sound like Shrek."

"Thanks(!)"

LAUGHTER

We don't travel that well. I was even intimidated the first time I went to London.

I was 22, I thought, "This is huge!

"How will I get around here? Will I use a map?" Then I thought, "Sod it,

"I'll use Monopoly." Big mistake.

LAUGHTER

I got chased down the street with a big shoe. I was crapping myself.

LAUGHTER

They have a Glasgow Monopoly now. It's one big square

that says "go to jail". It's a great game, I love it.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I can say that as a proud Glaswegian.

We think differently, specifically.

I was in the train station in Glasgow,

trying to get to another place in Scotland called Airdrie.

VOICE FROM AUDIENCE: Yay!

Thank you, fans of methadone.

LAUGHTER

The way I phrased it, I got such a cheeky but logical answer back

from the guy serving me.

I said to him innocently, trying to find out the price of the ticket,

"What's the difference between a single and a return to Airdrie?"

And this guy turned round and went,

"The single will take you to Airdrie, the return will bring you back."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Genius!

HE LAUGHS

You cannot make that up.

Doing a gig in Glasgow, great heckle responses you get.

This comedian from down south had never done a gig in Scotland before.

After ten minutes, it was worse.

He wisnae being heckled, he was being ignored.

Two guys went to Tesco's, right?

After the ten minutes, he tried to reach out into the crowd

and what a response he got back. He went,

"What's happening here? Am I invisible?"

A guy in the crowd turned loudly to his mate and went, "Who said that?"

Genius!

LAUGHTER

This is who we are.

I walked down to a bank. The guy behind the till was like that,

"Mr Clarke, you have an outstanding debt." I was like that,

"Thanks very much!

"I think you helped, you old scamp, give me a fiver, right?"

LAUGHTER

Why is it that banks, when you go to get your own money,

they look for PIN numbers and chips and PIN, you never remember it?

You have so much going on

and if you forget, I hate when they do that, "It's OK, you've forgotten.

"We'll ask you a security question."

That's harder than the PIN number! LAUGHTER

Four digits versus your mum's dog's maiden name's brother. "Is it Brian?"

"Don't touch yourself, you're barred."

LAUGHTER

To make you remember, I think they should ask you insecurity questions.

Never forget them. "Is your willy too small?"

"It's 3-4-7-1, I've just remembered. Just came back."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Bolt fae the blue!"

Listen, folks, I need to go - I need the toilet.

LAUGHTER

The tourists won't know about that - that's how honest we are in Scotland.

We will tell you everything about our lives.

We're so open, we can't have a conversation about love or romance.

A conversation about doing the toilet,

we'll keep you for an hour.

We'll talk to strangers in the train station.

30p to use the toilet, guy in front of me turned round and went,

"30p?! What is this, a season ticket(?)"

LAUGHTER

Then he went, "I don't need a jobby but I'll do one. I want value!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, you've been lovely, have a great night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Des Clarke, ladies and gentlemen!

Just too good!

This next act on stage, I'll be perfectly honest,

I've never met him until just now,

but I've seen him and he's made me cry with laughter

on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown.

And I got a bit star-struck.

I actually just met the guy and went,

"Oh, my God, he's the guy off the telly!"

So I'm a little bit giggly

and I hope you do exactly the same with a huge round of applause.

Please welcome Joe Wilkinson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING CONTINUES

All right? This is nice, innit?

That's new. Erm...

AUDIENCE MEMBER : Woo!

So, yeah, nice to be here in, er...

..whatever that says.

LAUGHTER

It sort of helps.

You never know how to start.

Er...

LAUGHTER

..I might just wander about for a bit.

LAUGHTER

Stretch me legs.

I'll be honest with you, I'm wasting me own time.

LAUGHTER

I'm going to tell you a few things then bugger off.

All right. Now, here we go.

I don't want to sound like I'm showing off, but I actually

have a mobile phone.

AUDIENCE: Woo!

I'm earning.

LAUGHTER

Thought, "Why not?"

It's one of those flash ones that you can phone

but you can also text.

LAUGHTER

"Why not?"

So I thought...

I'll be honest with you, it's a new one

but it's very easy to text-message

the wrong person, like just the other day,

I text, "Hi, sexy,

"I miss you and I can't wait to hold you..."

to my mum.

LAUGHTER

Imagine if I'd sent THAT to the wrong person!

It does not bear thinking about, does it?

LAUGHTER

I should point out at this point,

you've seen lots of brilliant acts

and got some other brilliant ones coming up.

A lot of them do this thing,

this lovely thing, where they link

all their jokes, all their stories really nicely,

so it seems like a seamless bit.

LAUGHTER

I can't do that.

LAUGHTER

Can't really do links.

So I'm thinking between the bits I might just say, "Link."

LAUGHTER

So, link, I was doing my washing the other day...

LAUGHTER

Doing my washing. I wasn't - you need a premise.

I'm making it all up. Anyway... LAUGHTER

None of this is real!

LAUGHTER

So I was doing my washing - I wasn't but you get the point...

LAUGHTER

"He wasn't!" "Shut up."

LAUGHTER

I was doing my washing. Washed all the bedclothes, put them back

on the bed.

But I can never get the duvet cover back onto the duvet.

It's like trying to put a condom onto a flaccid cock.

LAUGHTER

Which, ironically, is something I CAN do.

LAUGHTER

HE MUMBLES

Festival's nice.

Enjoy the festival.

A lot of attractive people at the festival

and that kind of, you know... don't really like them.

Attractive people, they only ever hang around

with other attractive people.

Attractive girls hang around with other attractive girls.

Even handsome blokes hang around with other handsome blokes.

I was discussing this again in a pub the other night

with Ken Dodd, and Shane MacGowan from the Pogues.

LAUGHTER

A little annoyed that worked.

LAUGHTER

Thanks a lot. I better head off now

so, you know...

..uh...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Joe Wilkinson!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Your next act

is one of the biggest stars of the festival.

Give it up for Stephen K Amos!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's what I'm talking about,

a lovely, lovely Scottish welcome.

I'll tell you about myself. My name is Stephen, that is true.

I was born in a hospital in south London called

St Stephen's Hospital,

so you can imagine how much my parents struggled

to come up with my bloody name.

I can see them now on the hospital ward.

"We've had the baby." "I know." "What shall we call him?"

"I don't know." "Well, look around you."

"Stephen".

LAUGHTER

It was all right for me but I was born with a twin sister.

Last year she had to change her name from Hospital.

LAUGHTER

I asked my mum a couple of years ago, "Tell me honestly,

"what was it like having twins?" Obviously, back in the day, technology was quite different.

My mum was like, "Oh, Stephen,

"it was like all the joy and beauty of having one child

"but totally ruined."

LAUGHTER

If you can't tell by the accent,

my parents are from Nigeria.

Any Nigerians in the house?

AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Woo!

Shut up! But welcome...

Mum.

LAUGHTER

They arrived in London many years ago and had never been back to Nigeria.

So last year I took them back to Nigeria for the first time.

It was quite exciting.

We flew West African Airlines.

Or "WAA!" for short.

LAUGHTER

You know when you're on a plane and they do the announcements?

I thought it was quite amusing - it went,

"In the cockpit tonight is Ikifuma Olessa Ngara,

"a keen fisherman and amateur pilot."

LAUGHTER

"If you are looking for your life jacket under your seat,

"there IS no life jacket under your seat.

"In the case of emergencies, if you see me screaming and running,

"follow, drop everything, remove your shoes!"

LAUGHTER

And I arrived at the airport.

Immigration at Lagos International.

Looking like I do, a bit fly,

immigration officer takes one look at me and goes, "Ah!

"You are wearing earrings. Are you a man or a woman?"

LAUGHTER

I said, "Mate, I'm a bloke."

He said, "Shame, with your broad shoulders and powerful legs,

"you make a beautiful lady."

LAUGHTER

The things I've done for a visa.

LAUGHTER

Good holiday.

I have a couple of fears I want to share with you before I leave.

One of my big fears is water. I can't swim, right?

It could be something to do with the afro,

I'm not particularly buoyant.

LAUGHTER

The afro and water should not mix, right?

It's like a jockey's left and right testicle.

they're never going to meet.

LAUGHTER

People are amazed when I tell them I can't swim. "What's wrong with you?

"You can't swim?!"

I live in inner-city south London, not Atlantis. I'll get by.

LAUGHTER

I did a flight back to London recently on one of these

low-cost airlines, right?

And my big fear is we crash over water.

Cos that is what I'd class as a very bad day.

LAUGHTER

Particularly on these airlines that charge for everything and anything. Can you imagine those ones?

As the plane is crashing in a downward spiral, "Argh!"

"Sir, would you like a life vest?"

"Yes!" "49.99, please."

"Or the whistle? £2."

A whistle for me, underwater? What use is that?

Prr! Pfft! Prr!

And what happens next? A dolphin appears?!

Have a great rest of the night. Thank you very much indeed.

Good night, everybody. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Stephen K Amos!

Hey, er, just before I go on, I want to check out the nationalities. Are there any Canadian people here?

You know what? Canadians are so polite, there's probably five up the back going,

"Yeah, but I don't want to ruin the show, eh?"

Honestly, Canadians are the most polite people on the planet.

The first time I ever went to Canada, I went to Toronto,

when Toronto still had the world's tallest building - the CN Tower.

Not one person in Toronto told me they had the world's tallest building -

that's how polite they are.

If I landed in an American city with the world's tallest building, you would've known as soon you landed.

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Chicago, HOME OF THE WORLD'S TALLEST BUILDING!"

I was in Toronto for a week and no-one said anything.

The only reason I knew is cos I left the hotel one day and looked at the guy behind the desk and went,

"What should I do today?" He went, "Oh, I don't know. Maybe check out the CN Tower."

"Really? Why's that?" "Oh, no reason.

"Just think you might like it."

I went to the top. There wasn't even a big banner or anything.

It was a plaque this big and one of the screws was missing.

"CN Tower, world's tallest building."

I went back to the guy and went, "It's the world's tallest building!" He went, "Oh, yeah, that's right.

"Yeah, thought you might like it.

"How do you feel about waterfalls?"

They're amazing! And their economy's on fire.

I was in Montreal last year. This was my opening line.

I'd walk out and go, "G'day, Canada, I'm from Australia. We've got three things in common.

"We've got the Queen on our money, we love drinking beer

"and right now our dollar is worth more than the American."

And every night, 100 Canadians would go, "Yeah!"

One night a guy stood up in the third row, looked me in the face and went,

"106, man! 106!"

"Dude, you're yelling an exchange rate at me!"

-All right, ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your next act?

-CHEERING

She is one of the rising stars of British comedy.

She's hilarious and she's absolutely lovely.

Would you please welcome to the stage Sara Pascoe!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Hi!

Hello. Hey, it's so lovely to be here.

I've loved the festival, and Scotland is one of my favourite parts of England. Really.

Right, I've got five minutes to win most of you back.

That's not how you should open a gig.

Quite a classic opening, especially, like, in a mainstream show,

is to do something derogatory about your own appearance right at the beginning.

So if you are fat, you might come on and go,

"Oh, hello, I'm really fat."

And everyone just claps and cheers and whoops.

Like, "That is so observant!"

But I've never really been able to do that because I've kind of got it going on.

LAUGHTER

Thanks for the laughs of agreement, guys. But now I CAN talk about it.

I've cut my own hair after a gig in Cardiff where I opened by saying,

"Wales is one of my favourite parts of England!"

And they shouted, "F off, English," for 18 minutes.

That's how long I had to stay and still get paid.

And so when I got back to my Travelodge, I had a nice cry and cut my own hair.

But now it's actually a blessed relief

because I'm only ever going to cut my own hair now

and I've never enjoyed going to the hairdresser's.

I don't know if it's the same for boys as it is for girls

but for girls, they are very mean.

It's all, "Oh, yeah, the ends are dry. Very dry.

"Oh, do you dye it?

"Looks like it has DIED."

And then my personal favourite...

"Oh, yeah, this really needs a cut."

"Ooh! Does it?!

"Oh, well, I don't suppose you could recommend a hairdresser?"

"What's that? You're one? What a coincidence!

"I just came to look in the mirror in a backwards cape.

"But this has worked out brilliantly!"

But I still used to go because I like having my head touched.

I like it a lot in a sexual way.

This means that going to the hairdresser's isn't very relaxing,

cos I have to really concentrate on making it look like I'm not enjoying it that much,

cos society really frowns on a woman letting another woman 15 years her junior

get her to that close to a happy ending without her knowledge.

So I have to put quite a lot of energy into acting normal.

I'm all shoulders up here and eyes wide open, while she's all,

"Spice it up, get it wet!" And what that means is...

LAUGHTER People laugh but that is not a joke I've intended.

What this means is that because of all the energy

and the concentration, I'm not at my conversational best.

But then nor are hairdressers.

Maybe they're into it too.

I think it's ironic that the word "salon", like a hairdressing salon,

comes from "salon" from France,

where salons in the 18th and 19th century were places where writers went to share ideas and be inspired.

And now a salon is a place you wouldn't dare enter into unless you had a holiday booked.

What else would you talk about? And I don't go on holidays.

I think they're for the bourgeois.

I like to travel with my work.

I live in London - I'm on holiday now. That's why I'm so drunk.

I've been having to drink a lot more,

cos I've just come out of a nine-year relationship

and I've never been single in this culture, and everything's really changed.

There's lots of young people here - about to patronise you horribly.

In the olden days, it was really easy to meet somebody

because you could tell that somebody fancied you from their behaviour

and the things that they said.

And this has all been completely ruined by dating books

and the invention of "playing hard to get".

So now the first rule of fancying someone is that they must never know.

So you don't understand if the person who blanks you at work,

who doesn't reply to text messages and e-mails,

genuinely hates you or has read The Game.

And some of you might not know that reference.

I only found out about it recently but a few years ago, a man wrote this book called The Game.

Basically, he found out the secret,

which is that women don't like themselves very much

and if you make them feel insecure, they will go to bed with you.

And then he told all of the other boys and then he invented this thing called "negging",

which is when you say mean things to speed up the process, which hairdressers knew all along.

And I think it's such a sad thing to exist and we have to fight back

and you do that by assuming that everybody fancies you

but is hiding it really well.

"Oh, is Alan actually gay...

"..or does he know that I like a challenge?"

"Does Stephen really like my sister...

"or did he just marry her to make me jealous?

"Did Frederick really commit suicide because of depression...

"..or is he playing a game of chase me, chase me, into the afterlife?"

Thank you so much. I hope you have an enjoyable rest of the festival.

It's been a pleasure. My name's Sara. Good night. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Sara Pascoe.

-All right, people, are you ready for your next act?

-CHEERING

This guy has been on the comedy circuit for years.

He is such a joy to watch and he is such a joy to hang out with backstage.

Would you please welcome to the stage Simon Evans!

CHEERING

Good evening.

Good evening. Before I begin, I just want to address my appearance.

My wife suggested that I start performing wearing glasses.

She said, "You should wear glasses - it gives you a certain air of Dignit..."

Er, gravitas. Not Dignitas.

Well, we'll see how the gig goes.

Maybe assisted suicide wouldn't seem such a bad option by the end of this. We'll see how we go.

But also, she said, "You know, it gives you a sort of air - a stern air - which suits you."

I spent the most on these glasses than I ever have before, knowing that I would wear them on stage,

and I'm convinced they also give the impression that I'm wearing a false nose.

That is the case, isn't it?

I don't mind people knowing my sight is failing but that I appear to be wearing a disguise is ridiculous.

Anyway, delightful to be here in Edinburgh, one of my favourite cities, genuinely.

People complain, walking around this place, that the weather is rather too changeable.

I say to those people, "You should come back in the winter.

"Not changeable then."

Relentless.

I love Edinburgh.

I was here for an entire week last February and it is relentless

but it's still a magnificent city. It has extraordinary architecture, amazing views.

The geology itself thrusts itself into the foreground in Edinburgh

in a way you very rarely encounter in world-class cities.

But ultimately, it is about the people, isn't it?

It is the people of Edinburgh that really let the place down, I feel.

Seriously, I do understand...

how in the months of winter it is necessary to drink yourselves into a stupor,

not merely to withstand the harshness of the climate

but also in order to vomit copiously on the pavement,

merely in order to see a bit of greenery for a change. It's an entirely understandable reaction.

It's no better down south. I live as far south as you can go.

I live in a little place called Brighton & Hove on the south coast.

We moved to Brighton & Hove for the kids.

For the benefit of OUR kids, that is, to make clear.

We do a lot for our kids. We took them to Florida last year.

I think this was the ultimate sacrifice I've ever made for any other human being. Two children.

My wife said to me, "The time is now to take them to Disney World and the parks around Orlando.

"Edward, the son, is four, just old enough. Matilda is eight.

"A couple more years, Matilda will be too old - she'll be entering adolescence.

"She'll become sulky and there'll be lots of shrugging and eye rolling and sarcasm. Take them now.

"We have this opportunity to give them a lifetime memory that they will never forget - it's now or never."

And I thought, "Great, so never is an option, right?"

No, apparently that was rhetorical.

And so I caved in and we bought a brochure for the parks and we booked a flight.

And "the parks" is what they know this area as in America.

It's widely known, it's understood what it refers to.

America has done very much for the word "parks", as far as I'm concerned,

as Germany did for the word "camps", to be honest with you.

A previously innocent expression which I'll never again be able to hear without a shudder of horror.

But that aside...

..I honestly thought Disney World would be no worse than visiting a fairground on uncomfortably hot day

and chucking four grand in a bin on the way out.

That's what I was braced for.

In reality, it was far worse than that. It was...

It was more like five or six grand by the end of it, for a start.

But also the heat, the jet lag, the confusion, the complexity...

I was at my wits' end on a regular basis.

I was about to lose my patience with some furry twit

who had allowed me to stand in the wrong queue for over an hour

when I felt a little tug my sleeve and I looked down and it was my four-year-old son

and he did indeed have tears glistening in his eyes.

And he looked up at me and he said, "Daddy...

"this is bollocks."

I have never been more proud of the boy

and it was worth every penny to have that confirmed.

Thank you very much. I hope that's been a rewarding lesson for you all.

Take care. Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Simon Evans!

All right, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the stage

one of the up-and-coming stars of the festival, a man you are going to remember for a long time.

Go wild for Marlon Davis!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

-AUDIENCE:

-Hello!

Hey, no-one takes me seriously whatsoever at all.

LAUGHTER You see what I mean? You lot are starting already.

You started cos I've got this face.

Look at you people. It's not funny!

This isn't the face of authority at all, is it?

It's not. I couldn't be your boss at work.

Like, "Why are you late?!" Come on now!

Got a round face.

You know what I mean? No-one takes me... Cos I've got this voice, as well.

It's not a commanding voice at all, is it?

It's not. You couldn't trust me if you went to war!

SQUEAKILY: You must fight them on the beaches!

"What did he say?"

"You're going to fight them on the..." HE GIGGLES

I grew up on a council estate. I couldn't rob no-one.

I tried!

I was like, "Yo, give me your money."

He was like, "Come on now. You look like Arnold from Diff'rent Strokes.

"Come on."

I'm serious! "Course you are, look at his cheeks."

This is what happens, man.

I've been in a relationship as well, for seven years.

Yeah, I see it like it's impressive, because it is.

I remember when I met my girlfriend. It was in a nightclub. It was decent.

Not like this place at all, right, it was decent!

And I saw her on the other side of the room and I saw her,

and I've never seen someone so beautiful in my whole entire life.

And I needed to go over to where she was and go and speak to her.

So I plucked up the courage and I done that.

I walked over to where she was and I said, "Hi, what's your name?"

And she told me what her name was.

And I told her what my name was, and I said, "Would you like a drink?"

She said, "I'd love a drink." I said, "Yes, let's go to the bar."

And as I'm walking over to the bar, I realised

I only had £3.80 in my pocket.

And I needed half of that to get on a night bus to go home.

But I still was prepared to buy this woman a drink and I said,

"What would you like to drink?" And she said, "I'll have a wine, please."

I said, "A wine..." That's touch and go.

I might not be able to get away with this one.

I said, "OK, bartender, can I get a wine, please?"

What one would you like? She said, "A red wine." I said, "Cool.

"Red wine, please." He said, "Medium or large, miss?" She said, "Medium."

I said, "Good girl, good girl."

And he went to go and make the drink and as he's making the drink,

she's saying stuff in my ear, like what star sign am I, and all these other things.

I'm not listening to nothing she's saying.

The only thing I'm focused on is how much is that drink going to be.

When he comes back from the bar and he came back

and he presented a drink to her and he looked me dead in my eye

and he said, "Sir, that will be £3.70, please."

And I thought to myself, "Yeah!"

And she turned around, she goes, "This is lovely."

And I said, "You have no idea."

And I started speaking to her and at the end of the night

I got her telephone number and we've been together ever since.

And that's what's happened. And I think to myself, I'm a lucky man.

Because it could have been different.

I could have got myself a Snickers earlier on, right? Who knew...

..not getting a Snickers was a life-changing decision?

Right there and then.

But sometimes, I look at her and sometimes I think to myself,

"I wish the man said £4."

Cos my life would be so much different right now.

Cos we argue. We argue all the time. She says I don't listen to her.

I say, "I'm listening to you right now!

"What are you talking about? Huh?"

But she always grabs my attention when she says

I'm not loving any more.

Seven years in this relationship,

I'm not kissing her the same way how I used to kiss her.

She's telling me that my foreplay is shit.

I was like, "How could you come out and say that to me, huh?

"How could you come out and tell me the truth?!"

And she says, "You know what?

"If you're not giving me the loving, maybe you're doing it elsewhere.

"Yes, cos you travel. You go round the country, you meet other women.

"Maybe you're going out there sleeping with other women."

I said, "No, I'm not." She says, "Why?"

I said, "Why would I go out there and disappoint anyone else?"

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much, good night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Marlon Davis!

All right, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for your next act. Are you ready?

Ladies and gentlemen, Mick Ferry!

Hey!

Wow. What a beautiful theatre. Edinburgh.

I feel sorry for the Scottish people at the minute because

all you're doing is getting English people going,

"What do you think about independence? What do you think about independence?"

It must be doing your heads in.

I don't know what your opinions are, I'm just telling you,

if you get it, we are building that wall.

We're not having you sneaking over trying to claim asylum, all right?

Turning up in Carlisle, going, "I want asylum." "Why?"

"I just want a normal sausage."

I tell you who we are sharing, though.

You're not having Andy Murray back, no way.

You're not having him, we are sharing him.

I watched him. In Manchester, there's a big screen.

We watched him win Wimbledon, it was brilliant.

Absolutely amazing, and every time they showed David Cameron in the crowd, everybody booed.

About 4,500 people, it was lovely.

I am annoyed that everyone says about Andy Murray, he's dour,

he doesn't smile. You know what he's got?

He's got the same problem I've got.

He's got a miserable face.

There's nothing you can do about that.

There's a few of you with miserable faces.

You're smiling now. Just do a normal face. That's miserable.

It's horrible, it's horrible having a miserable face.

People always assume something is wrong with you. You get that a lot.

"You all right?" "Yeah."

"What's wrong with your face?"

It's my face. This is me happy.

This is me sad.

This is me making love.

LAUGHTER

Hey, you just saw my sex face, mate. Not many men have seen that.

I don't know why I said many men. No man has ever...

No man has ever seen that.

That's really embarrassing. That would embarrass...

My kids will be embarrassed that I'm actually on this. Love it!

They won't go to the supermarkets with me any more,

because I'll sing along to records. Loudly and badly.

And I also like to put stuff in other people's trolleys.

If you've not done it, it is the best game in the world.

It's amazing, because...

it's more amazing because of the British mentality.

We know what we like, we get to a checkout with a trolley

with something we know we've not put in there, and rather than

embarrass ourselves and say, "I didn't put that in,"

we'll buy it.

So you can have a family man there with all his kids around him,

at the checkout going, "Lube... Oh."

"I didn't... I don't remember putting lube in there."

"How did lube get in there?"

"What's it for, Daddy?"

"Erm, it's for the door hinges, son."

"Yeah, your mum's been squeaking."

I'm going to get punched one day for doing that, I know I am.

I'm going to get punched more often as I get older.

I've got to that stage where if I see injustice in the world, I get...

I'm not like Batman...

I just can't afford that. I wouldn't mind being Batman

but I'd need to lose a bit of weight.

But things wind me up. I don't know if anyone else does it.

If I see a crime being committed... I saw somebody breaking into

a neighbour's house two years ago, and I started chasing him, this guy.

This is basically the speed I was at.

Ten seconds, I was knackered, but also I'm thinking,

"What am I going to do if I catch him?

"What am I going to actually do?"

I genuinely believed if that burglar had stopped and said,

"Come on then," I would have carried on running past him.

"I'm out jogging, mate."

"What, in your pyjamas?" "We all do it different. Don't judge me, pal."

The one that annoys me more than anything now at the minute

is when somebody's at the supermarket

and they park in the mother-and-child bit

and they've not got a kid.

It is your duty to question them. It really is.

It's your duty to question them. These are arseholes. Seriously.

I do. They get asked, "Where's your kid?"

"Better be in the boot."

LAUGHTER

And I often wonder if that would appease me,

if they lifted the boot up and there was a kid tied up.

"Go on, enjoy your shopping."

Edinburgh, as always, you've been absolutely delightful.

I've been Mick Ferry, good night, God bless, bye-bye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Mick Ferry!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Are you ready for your final act of the show?

Would you please welcome to the stage Lee Nelson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You all right tonight, Scotty-Land?

Ye-es! I am a little bit gutted, a little bit gutted.

I've heard you lot want to leave England

and become a separate country.

CHEERS

Oh, no, no, no, man. You are going to regret that when you sober up.

Are we really a separate country?

Is you proper separate, different country?

I mean, I suppose you have got your own currency, innit? The POOND.

They stick together, man, you're going to run out of money.

Don't leave us. I know you've got a lot of oil, but you're going

to run out of that pretty quick, with all the stuff you deep-fry up here.

I think you're just vexed, I think you're just a little bit annoyed with

the English because the Scotty-Land people used to be top dog in England.

And then the Poles came along.

LAUGHTER

And the Poles, they drink more

and they work harder and they speak better English.

Love you, Scotty-Land, man. Love Andy Murray, legend, in't he?

MAN CHEERS

Yes, I get so...

When I watch Andy Murray on my telly-box, every year,

I just shout at the screen, "Go on, Andy, mate!

"Go on, you can do it, mate! You can...

"smile!"

It's just banter, innit? That's what makes the UK great.

We take the mick, but we have a giggle about it, innit?

In England, we have north-south banter all the time, innit?

Have we got northerners in the house tonight?

CHEERS Yeah, few people, a few in the cheap seats right up there.

It's just banter, innit, north-south banter.

That's what makes the UK brilliant,

you try north-south banter in other countries.

I don't know... Korea?

With all the different cultures around the world,

it's interesting, innit? I've just been to America, recently.

So, yeah, man, have we got American people in the house tonight?

WOMAN CHEERS

They can't help themselves, innit? "Mmmm...who-oo!"

Welcome, sweetie-pie.

Now, it's a very different culture out there, innit?

Whereabouts in America are you from? Do you know?

Totally different culture. Americans just don't get certain things, innit?

The Americans, they don't understand the link between

lots and lots of people having guns

and lots and lots of people getting shot.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How are we going to get the message across to you, babe?

How are we going to explain it to you?

All right.

If I was to give you a mobile phone,

do you think that would make you more likely to make a telephone call?

To be fair to the Americans, Canadians have got just as many guns

as the Americans, but Canadians don't kill nearly as many people.

Now, my theory is Justin Bieber is Canadian,

and they are all saving their ammo.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I say, welcome all the foreign legends, know what I mean,

because the foreigners love the UK and that makes...

I'm proud of that, do you know what I mean? It's great.

The Royal Family, the royal baby, innit? That royal baby.

That royal baby is the luckiest baby in the whole wide world, innit?

That baby is going to have everything sorted for the rest of its life.

That one sperm that flew out of William that night,

luckiest sperm in the world.

Can you imagine all the false-hope sperms that flew out of William,

thinking they were going to be the one, innit? Yeah!

# I'm going to be the royal baby!

# I'm going to be the royal baby!

# I'm going to be the royal... baby... #

Oh, bollocks!

I'm in her hair.

People, I've been Lee Nelson.

Yous have been the biggest bunch of legends ever, thank you and good night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Lee Nelson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Can we please have a huge round of applause for every act tonight?

Ladies and gentlemen, it's a pleasure performing at this show,

thank you for being a part of it, see you next year.

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd