Episode 2 Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live


Episode 2

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It's Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live.

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Please welcome your host, Adam Hills!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello, Edinburgh.

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Welcome to Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live. Are you in good form?

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-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

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Crazy, drunken Scots!

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Every year I come back here, I just...

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Whenever I hear the Scottish accent for the first time, I get excited.

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The first time I ever came up here, I was on a train from Nottingham.

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I had been on the train for about two hours and then I just heard it.

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I just heard the announcement that just went...

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-IN SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-"Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to advise you

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"you're now approaching Berwick upon the River Tweed,

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"known as the border between England and Scotland.

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"Although the real border is a few miles away yet.

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"We'll let you know when we get there."

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You get the whole train carriage going, "Oh, come on!"

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Two minutes later,

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"Ladies and gentlemen, you're now crossing the border from England.

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"Welcome to Scotland."

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LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

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It was all I could do to not stand up and go, "Freedom!"

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It was amazing. First thing I saw when I got here is still one of my favourite places in the world,

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the Royal Hospital for Sick Children.

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Which does a great job but also appeared to me

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to be the most specific place name ever in the world.

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I love it, but Royal Hospital for Sick Children...

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Do you need the word "sick"...

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LAUGHTER

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..in the name of a hospital?

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Or is there a Royal Hospital for Healthy Children somewhere?

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Keep expecting to walk past the Edinburgh Cemetery for Dead People.

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LAUGHTER

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In my first year here, I went to the Peter Andre Concert for Wankers.

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APPLAUSE

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And every year I come here and I try and find something new to say

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about the Scottish that isn't just, you drink a lot and you swear a lot.

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And my first night here this Fringe, I thought, you know what,

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it's ten at night, I'm just going to walk through the city and I'm just going to see what I see,

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and see if I can see something new that isn't drinking and swearing.

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LAUGHTER

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Honestly, I'm not making this up,

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these are the two things I saw as I walked through the city.

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I saw two guys having an argument with a shop mannequin.

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And consciously, it wasn't like they thought it was a guy, they knew what they were doing.

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Two guys going, "Hey, hey, where's the train station?

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"Where's Waverley Station, ya bastard?!"

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There's a guy on the other side - "Is he not talking?" "He's no' talking to me.

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"I'm talking to you, ya bastard!" Purely for their own amusement.

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-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Yay!

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-HE LAUGHS

-Yay!

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Of course it is the International Festival, so there are people here from all nationalities.

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I'm assuming there are Irish people in the room?

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-SCATTERED CHEERING

-Just a few of you. Good on you. Lovely, you're brilliant.

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I think you know what kind of time you'll have in a country by the ads in the airport when you arrive.

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You come to Australia and these big ads that go,

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"Alice Springs, Ayers Rock," and you go, "I'm going to get rugged in this place."

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You arrive in America and it's like flags and you go...

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-IN AMERICAN ACCENT:

-"I'm going to get nationalistic here."

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You arrive in Ireland and there's just, like, ads for Guinness.

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Baileys. "I'm going to get so drunk in this country."

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Even the guy that checks your passport is friendly in Ireland.

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You go to some places like Germany, they're like...

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-IN GERMAN ACCENT:

-"How long are you staying in ze country?"

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Come to London as an Aussie, it's like...

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-IN HARSH COCKNEY ACCENT:

-"When are you leavin'?"

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Went to Ireland for the first time, there's a guy going...

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-IN JOVIAL IRISH ACCENT:

-"How long are you staying with us? Ohhh!"

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LAUGHTER

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Thought I was going to move in with him and his wife.

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"Ah, sure, you can stay upstairs.

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"Breakfast is at nine, there's pillows on the bed for you."

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But my favourite... Here's the thing I was told about Ireland.

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You're not in Ireland until you drink a pint of Guinness.

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But you're not really in Ireland until you wake up the morning after

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drinking way too many Guinnesses and you do the big black Guinness poo.

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My first night in Ireland, I had 14 pints of Guinness.

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Next morning, my poo wasn't just black, it took

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two-and-a-half minutes to come out and had white foam on top.

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I had to do half of it and then let it settle for five minutes.

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LAUGHTER

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-Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your first act?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

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Are you fired up, Scotland?!

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CHEERING

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Let's go as loud as you possibly can for your first act,

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a man who was nominated for Best Newcomer at this festival,

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Romesh Ranganathan!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-Hello. AUDIENCE:

-Hello!

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Very excited to be here.

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LAUGHTER

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I, uh, I've been up here all month.

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I've been away from my wife, and my wife's quite glad about that.

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She's actually told me to stop talking to the children.

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And the reason for that is I've got certain views and opinions

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and she doesn't want them soaking them up.

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For example, I'm really into my conspiracy theories.

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One of the things that I believe quite strongly is that

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call centre workers...

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just pretending to be Indian because they can't be arsed to help you.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Something I strongly believe.

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I'm into my football. I really like the football. I'm a big fan.

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My issue with football is how much it costs to go and watch the game.

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Like, for the price of a single ticket to go

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and watch a football match, I could take my whole family to a farm park.

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We could go on the donkeys.

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We could get lunch and tea.

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I could go on a tractor. All for the price of a single ticket.

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And that's why I go and watch the football.

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Cos there is no way I want to do that.

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The problem for me being a parent is I've got a very short attention span.

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When my wife was pregnant with our first son,

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we went along for the scan, they show you this picture,

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it looks like a walnut, you're supposed to get emotional.

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The nurse points to the picture and says,

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"It's a boy, there's his penis."

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I looked at the picture and I thought, "Oh, my God,

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"that penis looks like an arm."

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And I don't mean cos he takes after Daddy, I mean it had a hinge!

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It had a HINGE!

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I'm looking the picture, I think,

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"Oh, my God, what if my son has got a third arm growing out his waist?"

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Then I start thinking, "Oh, my God, how cool would it be...

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"to have a third arm growing out of your waist?"

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I start thinking about that, the nurse carries on talking.

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She brings me back into the room by saying, "Would that be OK, Romesh?"

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Now...

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I've got no idea if that would be OK or not.

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I've been thinking about being able to wave at someone while taking a piss! I've got absolutely no idea.

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LAUGHTER

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But I don't want to look like an idiot, so I just say, "Yes, yes, that

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"would be OK." And then she writes down, "Romesh to deliver placenta."

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I had no idea you could even do that. I was so confused.

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I said to her, "Where exactly will I be taking it?"

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LAUGHTER

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"Don't know what you're on about." One of the things is, you know,

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it's been exciting having exam results come out recently.

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And it brings me back to my time as a teacher.

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I used to do exam invigilation.

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Now, for those of you who don't know, this is where the kids are sitting in the hall doing exams

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and you've got to walk around and make sure they're not cheating

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and they've got enough rulers.

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Incredibly boring. I had to find a way of passing the time.

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The way that I did this is I played Battleship.

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How it worked was, I'd get a piece of paper and I'd write down

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on a piece of paper the kid that I thought was the ugliest in the room.

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Or the kid that I thought was going to be the last one to ever have sex.

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Then the other teacher would walk through the hall...

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LAUGHTER

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..and they would stop by the kid they thought I was talking about.

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LAUGHTER

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And if they got it correct, then they had sunk my battleship.

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One of the other things I found mental about being in schools is

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because of political correctness - which I agree with,

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but I do think has gone a little bit bonkers -

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all textbooks in schools have got to be multicultural.

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Which means that every single question in every single textbook

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has got to have a black kid and a white kid in it.

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Or a white kid and an Asian kid in it. Now, I don't know about you,

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but I wouldn't have wanted to hang out with a kid of another colour if,

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every time I met up with him, he wanted to do bloody maths!

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The questions you get in these books are amazing, right.

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You get questions like, "Philip thinks that the answer is eight.

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"Dilip..."

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LAUGHTER

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"..thinks that the answer is ten. Which one is correct?"

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And a kid would put his hand up and say, "I think Dilip's correct." And I'd say, "Why?"

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And they would say, "Oh, cos Asian kids are bods, in't they?"

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LAUGHTER

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And actually have to give him half marks.

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Ladies and gentlemen, you genuinely have been, um, adequate.

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So thank you so much. I've been Romesh Ranganathan, good night.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Romesh Ranganathan!

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All right, ladies and gentlemen, keep that applause going

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for one of the loveliest men in comedy, Hal Cruttenden!

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CHEERING

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Hello! Lovely to be here, lovely to be in Scotland.

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A year out from the independence referendum.

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Scotland is very divided. I think it's very divided.

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A very divided country at the moment.

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Very divided between people who want independence and hate the English...

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..and people who want to stay in the Union and hate the English. It's...

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LAUGHTER

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Hate, hate is a strong word. I know we annoy you. I know that.

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I know we do. I know that whenever England are playing football,

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most Scottish people support the opposition. Yeah?

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We do the same to you, we just never know when you're playing.

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LAUGHTER

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I love being here, love being up for the festival. I do miss my family.

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I miss my wife and kids. I am married to a woman.

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I know what you're thinking... Shush. LAUGHTER

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I'm not, I'm just very, very English.

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My wife is Northern Irish. She is, Northern Irish.

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I love Northern Irish people. Very hard to understand the accent.

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Very hard.

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I can be in a pub in Northern Ireland and people are going...

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HE BABBLES INCOHERENTLY

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And I'm like, "Yes, no, I don't know."

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The English are very bad at understanding accents, and I think

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this is why, historically, we have treated countries around us so badly.

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Like in the years before independence,

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the Irish were saying, "We'd like you to leave now."

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We go, "You want us to rule for hundreds of years? No problem!"

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You Scots were going, "You can take our life, but you'll never

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"take our freedom!"

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We go, "You want the poll tax a year early? Of course, consider it done!"

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We don't understand. But Northern Irish, it is a scary accent as well.

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It is scary in my wife's accent. You know, it's...

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My children are more scared of my wife than they are of me.

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I've sat them down and said, "Don't you find me a little bit scary?"

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And they say, "No, your face wobbles when you get angry."

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LAUGHTER

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When I was a kid and I was naughty, my mum would say,

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"Wait till your father gets home."

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I mainly work in the evenings.

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When my kids are naughty, my wife says to them...

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IN NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT: "Wait till your father goes out."

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That's the wrong way round, isn't it? LAUGHTER

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But it's a scary accent, it is.

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Northern Irish is, and my wife does have a very bad temper.

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I know that's a real Northern Irish stereotype,

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but when she gets angry, she just explodes.

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That's an unfortunate term to use about a Northern Irish person, but...

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LAUGHTER ..she just does.

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Can't have a quiet row with my wife.

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If I'm in a shop with her, having a little row, I'm saying something

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bitchy like, "I think you're being a little bit unfair about that."

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And she'll just say, "You're an arsehole! You really are!"

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I'm very English and middle class,

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I'd rather grow a tumour than make a fuss.

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I am very middle class, I accept that.

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A friend of mine said to me, "You will never

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"understand about football cos you're too middle class.

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"It's a working-class game." And I said, "No, I'm sorry,

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"football has priced working-class people out of the game."

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You go to a lot of grounds now and it's just middle-class fans

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pretending to be working class.

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You see people, "Oi, referee, you wanker!

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"I'm so sorry about the language, Giles, but..."

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"Mm, God knows what school he went to!"

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I get annoyed by the lack of perspective in football.

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There is a lack of perspective amongst fans.

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I heard a Manchester United fan being interviewed on the radio

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about the retirement of Alex Ferguson.

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And he said, "When I heard Fergie was going, it was like a death in

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the family for me." And the presenter said, "Yeah, mate, I understand."

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Not, "You emotionally retarded twat."

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LAUGHTER

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Because I'd like the media to start getting tough on football fans

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with no sense of perspective. I'd like to see that.

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Like, you know, end of the season,

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I'd like to see Match Of The Day, Gary Lineker sitting there, going,

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"Well, if your team has been relegated

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"and you're sitting at home crying,

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"maybe it's time you redirected your energy to something that matters...

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"like your wife and kids. Good night, and grow up."

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Wouldn't that be lovely?

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Thank you very much, you've been a delight.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Ladies and gentlemen, Hal Cruttenden!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for one of your own.

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I saw him a few years ago when he started out

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and went, "He is absolutely amazing."

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Every year I come back, he's doing better and going from strength to strength.

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Would you please welcome to the stage the amazing Des Clarke!

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APPLAUSE

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Hello, everyone. That's so lovely, that is the Scottish welcome,

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thank you very much for that, ladies and gentlemen.

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This is true Scottish support. This is what we are world famous for.

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Wasn't it great?

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One of my favourite moments of the year,

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when the Tartan Army went to London, we played England

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and we caused not one bit of trouble. Wasn't that great?

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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20,000 Scottish fans in Trafalgar Square. A big fountain.

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They all said, "They'll pee in that fountain."

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Oh, no.

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Instead, we filled that fountain with bubble bath.

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LAUGHTER

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We put Fairy Liquid, soap powder in there - there were suds everywhere.

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83 pigeons died, but what a day!

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LAUGHTER

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That's the friendliest football hooligans in the world!

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We will come to your city and clean it up for you, thank you.

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LAUGHTER

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But we think differently.

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We travel round the world and everywhere we go, we think differently.

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I was told as a young boy the Scottish accent was sexy.

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"Everywhere you go, you'll melt the hearts of women abroad." I went to New York.

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I thought, "The Americans will love this."

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I was chatting up this girl. In my head I thought, "Here we go.

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"Sean Connery, Ewan McGregor..."

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Opened my mouth, Groundskeeper Willie off The Simpsons.

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LAUGHTER

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"Toss my caber." I was thrown out, right?

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I did ye proud. I was doing all the best Scottish chat-up lines.

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"Dinnae bite the boabie."

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I thought I was in, right?

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LAUGHTER

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"You're getting pumped." I thought, "Why's this not working?"

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This girl's looking at me, going. "Oh, my God, your accent, your accent!"

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I went, "What about my accent?" She went, "You sound like Shrek."

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"Thanks(!)"

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LAUGHTER

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We don't travel that well. I was even intimidated the first time I went to London.

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I was 22, I thought, "This is huge!

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"How will I get around here? Will I use a map?" Then I thought, "Sod it,

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"I'll use Monopoly." Big mistake.

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LAUGHTER

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I got chased down the street with a big shoe. I was crapping myself.

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LAUGHTER

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They have a Glasgow Monopoly now. It's one big square

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that says "go to jail". It's a great game, I love it.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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I can say that as a proud Glaswegian.

0:16:500:16:52

We think differently, specifically.

0:16:520:16:55

I was in the train station in Glasgow,

0:16:550:16:57

trying to get to another place in Scotland called Airdrie.

0:16:570:16:59

VOICE FROM AUDIENCE: Yay!

0:16:590:17:01

Thank you, fans of methadone.

0:17:010:17:03

LAUGHTER

0:17:030:17:05

The way I phrased it, I got such a cheeky but logical answer back

0:17:080:17:12

from the guy serving me.

0:17:120:17:13

I said to him innocently, trying to find out the price of the ticket,

0:17:130:17:16

"What's the difference between a single and a return to Airdrie?"

0:17:160:17:20

And this guy turned round and went,

0:17:200:17:21

"The single will take you to Airdrie, the return will bring you back."

0:17:210:17:24

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:17:240:17:26

Genius!

0:17:260:17:27

HE LAUGHS

0:17:320:17:33

You cannot make that up.

0:17:330:17:35

Doing a gig in Glasgow, great heckle responses you get.

0:17:370:17:39

This comedian from down south had never done a gig in Scotland before.

0:17:390:17:43

After ten minutes, it was worse.

0:17:430:17:44

He wisnae being heckled, he was being ignored.

0:17:440:17:48

Two guys went to Tesco's, right?

0:17:480:17:50

After the ten minutes, he tried to reach out into the crowd

0:17:500:17:53

and what a response he got back. He went,

0:17:530:17:55

"What's happening here? Am I invisible?"

0:17:550:17:57

A guy in the crowd turned loudly to his mate and went, "Who said that?"

0:17:570:18:00

Genius!

0:18:000:18:01

LAUGHTER

0:18:010:18:03

This is who we are.

0:18:060:18:07

I walked down to a bank. The guy behind the till was like that,

0:18:070:18:10

"Mr Clarke, you have an outstanding debt." I was like that,

0:18:100:18:13

"Thanks very much!

0:18:130:18:14

"I think you helped, you old scamp, give me a fiver, right?"

0:18:140:18:18

LAUGHTER

0:18:180:18:20

Why is it that banks, when you go to get your own money,

0:18:200:18:22

they look for PIN numbers and chips and PIN, you never remember it?

0:18:220:18:25

You have so much going on

0:18:250:18:26

and if you forget, I hate when they do that, "It's OK, you've forgotten.

0:18:260:18:29

"We'll ask you a security question."

0:18:290:18:31

That's harder than the PIN number! LAUGHTER

0:18:310:18:34

Four digits versus your mum's dog's maiden name's brother. "Is it Brian?"

0:18:340:18:37

"Don't touch yourself, you're barred."

0:18:370:18:39

LAUGHTER

0:18:390:18:41

To make you remember, I think they should ask you insecurity questions.

0:18:410:18:46

Never forget them. "Is your willy too small?"

0:18:460:18:48

"It's 3-4-7-1, I've just remembered. Just came back."

0:18:480:18:51

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:18:510:18:52

"Bolt fae the blue!"

0:18:520:18:54

Listen, folks, I need to go - I need the toilet.

0:18:590:19:01

LAUGHTER

0:19:010:19:03

The tourists won't know about that - that's how honest we are in Scotland.

0:19:030:19:06

We will tell you everything about our lives.

0:19:060:19:08

We're so open, we can't have a conversation about love or romance.

0:19:080:19:11

A conversation about doing the toilet,

0:19:110:19:13

we'll keep you for an hour.

0:19:130:19:15

We'll talk to strangers in the train station.

0:19:150:19:17

30p to use the toilet, guy in front of me turned round and went,

0:19:170:19:20

"30p?! What is this, a season ticket(?)"

0:19:200:19:22

LAUGHTER

0:19:220:19:25

Then he went, "I don't need a jobby but I'll do one. I want value!"

0:19:250:19:27

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:19:270:19:30

Ladies and gentlemen, you've been lovely, have a great night.

0:19:300:19:33

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:19:330:19:35

Des Clarke, ladies and gentlemen!

0:19:390:19:41

Just too good!

0:19:430:19:46

This next act on stage, I'll be perfectly honest,

0:19:460:19:48

I've never met him until just now,

0:19:480:19:50

but I've seen him and he's made me cry with laughter

0:19:500:19:54

on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown.

0:19:540:19:56

And I got a bit star-struck.

0:19:560:19:58

I actually just met the guy and went,

0:19:580:20:00

"Oh, my God, he's the guy off the telly!"

0:20:000:20:02

So I'm a little bit giggly

0:20:020:20:03

and I hope you do exactly the same with a huge round of applause.

0:20:030:20:06

Please welcome Joe Wilkinson!

0:20:060:20:08

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:20:080:20:10

CHEERING CONTINUES

0:20:260:20:29

All right? This is nice, innit?

0:20:350:20:39

That's new. Erm...

0:20:390:20:41

AUDIENCE MEMBER : Woo!

0:20:410:20:44

So, yeah, nice to be here in, er...

0:20:450:20:49

..whatever that says.

0:20:490:20:50

LAUGHTER

0:20:500:20:52

It sort of helps.

0:20:520:20:56

You never know how to start.

0:20:560:20:59

Er...

0:20:590:21:00

LAUGHTER

0:21:000:21:02

..I might just wander about for a bit.

0:21:020:21:04

LAUGHTER

0:21:040:21:07

Stretch me legs.

0:21:070:21:09

I'll be honest with you, I'm wasting me own time.

0:21:090:21:12

LAUGHTER

0:21:120:21:14

I'm going to tell you a few things then bugger off.

0:21:140:21:18

All right. Now, here we go.

0:21:180:21:20

I don't want to sound like I'm showing off, but I actually

0:21:200:21:23

have a mobile phone.

0:21:230:21:25

AUDIENCE: Woo!

0:21:250:21:27

I'm earning.

0:21:270:21:28

LAUGHTER

0:21:280:21:29

Thought, "Why not?"

0:21:290:21:32

It's one of those flash ones that you can phone

0:21:320:21:36

but you can also text.

0:21:360:21:38

LAUGHTER

0:21:380:21:39

"Why not?"

0:21:430:21:45

So I thought...

0:21:470:21:48

I'll be honest with you, it's a new one

0:21:480:21:51

but it's very easy to text-message

0:21:510:21:53

the wrong person, like just the other day,

0:21:530:21:56

I text, "Hi, sexy,

0:21:560:21:58

"I miss you and I can't wait to hold you..."

0:21:580:22:01

to my mum.

0:22:010:22:04

LAUGHTER

0:22:040:22:05

Imagine if I'd sent THAT to the wrong person!

0:22:050:22:08

It does not bear thinking about, does it?

0:22:120:22:15

LAUGHTER

0:22:150:22:18

I should point out at this point,

0:22:200:22:21

you've seen lots of brilliant acts

0:22:210:22:23

and got some other brilliant ones coming up.

0:22:230:22:25

A lot of them do this thing,

0:22:250:22:27

this lovely thing, where they link

0:22:270:22:30

all their jokes, all their stories really nicely,

0:22:300:22:33

so it seems like a seamless bit.

0:22:330:22:35

LAUGHTER

0:22:390:22:41

I can't do that.

0:22:410:22:42

LAUGHTER

0:22:420:22:44

Can't really do links.

0:22:440:22:45

So I'm thinking between the bits I might just say, "Link."

0:22:450:22:49

LAUGHTER

0:22:490:22:52

So, link, I was doing my washing the other day...

0:22:520:22:55

LAUGHTER

0:22:550:22:57

Doing my washing. I wasn't - you need a premise.

0:22:580:23:01

I'm making it all up. Anyway... LAUGHTER

0:23:010:23:05

None of this is real!

0:23:060:23:07

LAUGHTER

0:23:070:23:10

So I was doing my washing - I wasn't but you get the point...

0:23:120:23:15

LAUGHTER

0:23:150:23:17

"He wasn't!" "Shut up."

0:23:170:23:19

LAUGHTER

0:23:190:23:21

I was doing my washing. Washed all the bedclothes, put them back

0:23:210:23:24

on the bed.

0:23:240:23:26

But I can never get the duvet cover back onto the duvet.

0:23:260:23:30

It's like trying to put a condom onto a flaccid cock.

0:23:320:23:35

LAUGHTER

0:23:350:23:37

Which, ironically, is something I CAN do.

0:23:370:23:40

LAUGHTER

0:23:400:23:42

HE MUMBLES

0:23:480:23:49

Festival's nice.

0:23:490:23:52

Enjoy the festival.

0:23:520:23:53

A lot of attractive people at the festival

0:23:530:23:56

and that kind of, you know... don't really like them.

0:23:560:23:58

Attractive people, they only ever hang around

0:23:590:24:02

with other attractive people.

0:24:020:24:03

Attractive girls hang around with other attractive girls.

0:24:030:24:07

Even handsome blokes hang around with other handsome blokes.

0:24:070:24:10

I was discussing this again in a pub the other night

0:24:100:24:13

with Ken Dodd, and Shane MacGowan from the Pogues.

0:24:130:24:15

LAUGHTER

0:24:150:24:17

A little annoyed that worked.

0:24:200:24:21

LAUGHTER

0:24:210:24:23

Thanks a lot. I better head off now

0:24:270:24:29

so, you know...

0:24:290:24:31

..uh...

0:24:310:24:32

LAUGHTER

0:24:320:24:34

APPLAUSE

0:24:340:24:36

Joe Wilkinson!

0:24:430:24:45

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:24:450:24:47

Your next act

0:24:470:24:48

is one of the biggest stars of the festival.

0:24:480:24:50

Give it up for Stephen K Amos!

0:24:500:24:54

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:24:540:24:56

That's what I'm talking about,

0:25:040:25:07

a lovely, lovely Scottish welcome.

0:25:070:25:09

I'll tell you about myself. My name is Stephen, that is true.

0:25:090:25:12

I was born in a hospital in south London called

0:25:120:25:14

St Stephen's Hospital,

0:25:140:25:16

so you can imagine how much my parents struggled

0:25:160:25:19

to come up with my bloody name.

0:25:190:25:21

I can see them now on the hospital ward.

0:25:210:25:22

"We've had the baby." "I know." "What shall we call him?"

0:25:220:25:25

"I don't know." "Well, look around you."

0:25:250:25:27

"Stephen".

0:25:270:25:29

LAUGHTER

0:25:290:25:30

It was all right for me but I was born with a twin sister.

0:25:300:25:33

Last year she had to change her name from Hospital.

0:25:330:25:36

LAUGHTER

0:25:360:25:37

I asked my mum a couple of years ago, "Tell me honestly,

0:25:390:25:41

"what was it like having twins?" Obviously, back in the day, technology was quite different.

0:25:410:25:46

My mum was like, "Oh, Stephen,

0:25:460:25:47

"it was like all the joy and beauty of having one child

0:25:470:25:50

"but totally ruined."

0:25:500:25:52

LAUGHTER

0:25:520:25:54

If you can't tell by the accent,

0:25:570:25:59

my parents are from Nigeria.

0:25:590:26:01

Any Nigerians in the house?

0:26:010:26:02

AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Woo!

0:26:020:26:04

Shut up! But welcome...

0:26:040:26:06

Mum.

0:26:060:26:07

LAUGHTER

0:26:070:26:10

They arrived in London many years ago and had never been back to Nigeria.

0:26:100:26:14

So last year I took them back to Nigeria for the first time.

0:26:140:26:17

It was quite exciting.

0:26:170:26:18

We flew West African Airlines.

0:26:180:26:21

Or "WAA!" for short.

0:26:210:26:23

LAUGHTER

0:26:230:26:25

You know when you're on a plane and they do the announcements?

0:26:280:26:31

I thought it was quite amusing - it went,

0:26:310:26:33

"In the cockpit tonight is Ikifuma Olessa Ngara,

0:26:330:26:35

"a keen fisherman and amateur pilot."

0:26:350:26:38

LAUGHTER

0:26:380:26:40

"If you are looking for your life jacket under your seat,

0:26:430:26:46

"there IS no life jacket under your seat.

0:26:460:26:48

"In the case of emergencies, if you see me screaming and running,

0:26:480:26:52

"follow, drop everything, remove your shoes!"

0:26:520:26:54

LAUGHTER

0:26:540:26:56

And I arrived at the airport.

0:26:580:26:59

Immigration at Lagos International.

0:26:590:27:02

Looking like I do, a bit fly,

0:27:020:27:04

immigration officer takes one look at me and goes, "Ah!

0:27:040:27:06

"You are wearing earrings. Are you a man or a woman?"

0:27:060:27:09

LAUGHTER

0:27:090:27:11

I said, "Mate, I'm a bloke."

0:27:110:27:13

He said, "Shame, with your broad shoulders and powerful legs,

0:27:130:27:16

"you make a beautiful lady."

0:27:160:27:18

LAUGHTER

0:27:180:27:20

The things I've done for a visa.

0:27:200:27:23

LAUGHTER

0:27:230:27:24

Good holiday.

0:27:260:27:27

I have a couple of fears I want to share with you before I leave.

0:27:270:27:30

One of my big fears is water. I can't swim, right?

0:27:300:27:33

It could be something to do with the afro,

0:27:330:27:35

I'm not particularly buoyant.

0:27:350:27:37

LAUGHTER

0:27:370:27:38

The afro and water should not mix, right?

0:27:380:27:41

It's like a jockey's left and right testicle.

0:27:410:27:43

they're never going to meet.

0:27:430:27:45

LAUGHTER

0:27:450:27:46

People are amazed when I tell them I can't swim. "What's wrong with you?

0:27:460:27:49

"You can't swim?!"

0:27:490:27:51

I live in inner-city south London, not Atlantis. I'll get by.

0:27:510:27:54

LAUGHTER

0:27:540:27:57

I did a flight back to London recently on one of these

0:27:570:27:59

low-cost airlines, right?

0:27:590:28:01

And my big fear is we crash over water.

0:28:010:28:04

Cos that is what I'd class as a very bad day.

0:28:040:28:06

LAUGHTER

0:28:060:28:08

Particularly on these airlines that charge for everything and anything. Can you imagine those ones?

0:28:080:28:12

As the plane is crashing in a downward spiral, "Argh!"

0:28:120:28:15

"Sir, would you like a life vest?"

0:28:150:28:17

"Yes!" "49.99, please."

0:28:170:28:19

"Or the whistle? £2."

0:28:210:28:23

A whistle for me, underwater? What use is that?

0:28:230:28:26

Prr! Pfft! Prr!

0:28:260:28:28

And what happens next? A dolphin appears?!

0:28:290:28:32

Have a great rest of the night. Thank you very much indeed.

0:28:340:28:36

Good night, everybody. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:360:28:39

Ladies and gentlemen, Stephen K Amos!

0:28:440:28:46

Hey, er, just before I go on, I want to check out the nationalities. Are there any Canadian people here?

0:28:490:28:53

You know what? Canadians are so polite, there's probably five up the back going,

0:28:560:28:59

"Yeah, but I don't want to ruin the show, eh?"

0:28:590:29:01

Honestly, Canadians are the most polite people on the planet.

0:29:010:29:04

The first time I ever went to Canada, I went to Toronto,

0:29:040:29:06

when Toronto still had the world's tallest building - the CN Tower.

0:29:060:29:10

Not one person in Toronto told me they had the world's tallest building -

0:29:100:29:14

that's how polite they are.

0:29:140:29:15

If I landed in an American city with the world's tallest building, you would've known as soon you landed.

0:29:150:29:20

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Chicago, HOME OF THE WORLD'S TALLEST BUILDING!"

0:29:200:29:26

I was in Toronto for a week and no-one said anything.

0:29:260:29:28

The only reason I knew is cos I left the hotel one day and looked at the guy behind the desk and went,

0:29:280:29:33

"What should I do today?" He went, "Oh, I don't know. Maybe check out the CN Tower."

0:29:330:29:36

"Really? Why's that?" "Oh, no reason.

0:29:360:29:39

"Just think you might like it."

0:29:410:29:43

I went to the top. There wasn't even a big banner or anything.

0:29:430:29:46

It was a plaque this big and one of the screws was missing.

0:29:460:29:49

"CN Tower, world's tallest building."

0:29:490:29:51

I went back to the guy and went, "It's the world's tallest building!" He went, "Oh, yeah, that's right.

0:29:510:29:56

"Yeah, thought you might like it.

0:29:560:29:58

"How do you feel about waterfalls?"

0:29:580:30:01

They're amazing! And their economy's on fire.

0:30:040:30:07

I was in Montreal last year. This was my opening line.

0:30:070:30:10

I'd walk out and go, "G'day, Canada, I'm from Australia. We've got three things in common.

0:30:100:30:14

"We've got the Queen on our money, we love drinking beer

0:30:140:30:16

"and right now our dollar is worth more than the American."

0:30:160:30:20

And every night, 100 Canadians would go, "Yeah!"

0:30:200:30:22

One night a guy stood up in the third row, looked me in the face and went,

0:30:220:30:25

"106, man! 106!"

0:30:250:30:27

"Dude, you're yelling an exchange rate at me!"

0:30:290:30:32

-All right, ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your next act?

-CHEERING

0:30:340:30:37

She is one of the rising stars of British comedy.

0:30:370:30:39

She's hilarious and she's absolutely lovely.

0:30:390:30:42

Would you please welcome to the stage Sara Pascoe!

0:30:420:30:45

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:30:450:30:48

Hello. Hi!

0:30:520:30:55

Hello. Hey, it's so lovely to be here.

0:30:550:30:57

I've loved the festival, and Scotland is one of my favourite parts of England. Really.

0:30:570:31:03

Right, I've got five minutes to win most of you back.

0:31:030:31:07

That's not how you should open a gig.

0:31:070:31:09

Quite a classic opening, especially, like, in a mainstream show,

0:31:090:31:12

is to do something derogatory about your own appearance right at the beginning.

0:31:120:31:16

So if you are fat, you might come on and go,

0:31:160:31:20

"Oh, hello, I'm really fat."

0:31:200:31:22

And everyone just claps and cheers and whoops.

0:31:230:31:26

Like, "That is so observant!"

0:31:260:31:29

But I've never really been able to do that because I've kind of got it going on.

0:31:290:31:34

LAUGHTER

0:31:340:31:35

Thanks for the laughs of agreement, guys. But now I CAN talk about it.

0:31:350:31:39

I've cut my own hair after a gig in Cardiff where I opened by saying,

0:31:390:31:43

"Wales is one of my favourite parts of England!"

0:31:430:31:46

And they shouted, "F off, English," for 18 minutes.

0:31:460:31:50

That's how long I had to stay and still get paid.

0:31:500:31:53

And so when I got back to my Travelodge, I had a nice cry and cut my own hair.

0:31:530:31:58

But now it's actually a blessed relief

0:31:580:32:00

because I'm only ever going to cut my own hair now

0:32:000:32:03

and I've never enjoyed going to the hairdresser's.

0:32:030:32:05

I don't know if it's the same for boys as it is for girls

0:32:050:32:08

but for girls, they are very mean.

0:32:080:32:11

It's all, "Oh, yeah, the ends are dry. Very dry.

0:32:120:32:17

"Oh, do you dye it?

0:32:170:32:19

"Looks like it has DIED."

0:32:190:32:22

And then my personal favourite...

0:32:240:32:26

"Oh, yeah, this really needs a cut."

0:32:260:32:28

"Ooh! Does it?!

0:32:310:32:33

"Oh, well, I don't suppose you could recommend a hairdresser?"

0:32:330:32:37

"What's that? You're one? What a coincidence!

0:32:370:32:43

"I just came to look in the mirror in a backwards cape.

0:32:430:32:46

"But this has worked out brilliantly!"

0:32:480:32:51

But I still used to go because I like having my head touched.

0:32:510:32:55

I like it a lot in a sexual way.

0:32:560:33:00

This means that going to the hairdresser's isn't very relaxing,

0:33:000:33:03

cos I have to really concentrate on making it look like I'm not enjoying it that much,

0:33:030:33:07

cos society really frowns on a woman letting another woman 15 years her junior

0:33:070:33:13

get her to that close to a happy ending without her knowledge.

0:33:130:33:16

So I have to put quite a lot of energy into acting normal.

0:33:170:33:20

I'm all shoulders up here and eyes wide open, while she's all,

0:33:200:33:23

"Spice it up, get it wet!" And what that means is...

0:33:230:33:26

LAUGHTER People laugh but that is not a joke I've intended.

0:33:260:33:30

What this means is that because of all the energy

0:33:300:33:33

and the concentration, I'm not at my conversational best.

0:33:330:33:37

But then nor are hairdressers.

0:33:370:33:39

Maybe they're into it too.

0:33:390:33:42

I think it's ironic that the word "salon", like a hairdressing salon,

0:33:420:33:46

comes from "salon" from France,

0:33:460:33:48

where salons in the 18th and 19th century were places where writers went to share ideas and be inspired.

0:33:480:33:55

And now a salon is a place you wouldn't dare enter into unless you had a holiday booked.

0:33:550:34:00

What else would you talk about? And I don't go on holidays.

0:34:010:34:04

I think they're for the bourgeois.

0:34:040:34:07

I like to travel with my work.

0:34:070:34:09

I live in London - I'm on holiday now. That's why I'm so drunk.

0:34:090:34:12

I've been having to drink a lot more,

0:34:140:34:16

cos I've just come out of a nine-year relationship

0:34:160:34:18

and I've never been single in this culture, and everything's really changed.

0:34:180:34:22

There's lots of young people here - about to patronise you horribly.

0:34:220:34:27

In the olden days, it was really easy to meet somebody

0:34:270:34:30

because you could tell that somebody fancied you from their behaviour

0:34:300:34:34

and the things that they said.

0:34:340:34:36

And this has all been completely ruined by dating books

0:34:360:34:39

and the invention of "playing hard to get".

0:34:390:34:42

So now the first rule of fancying someone is that they must never know.

0:34:420:34:46

So you don't understand if the person who blanks you at work,

0:34:480:34:51

who doesn't reply to text messages and e-mails,

0:34:510:34:53

genuinely hates you or has read The Game.

0:34:530:34:57

And some of you might not know that reference.

0:34:570:34:59

I only found out about it recently but a few years ago, a man wrote this book called The Game.

0:34:590:35:03

Basically, he found out the secret,

0:35:030:35:06

which is that women don't like themselves very much

0:35:060:35:09

and if you make them feel insecure, they will go to bed with you.

0:35:090:35:12

And then he told all of the other boys and then he invented this thing called "negging",

0:35:120:35:17

which is when you say mean things to speed up the process, which hairdressers knew all along.

0:35:170:35:21

And I think it's such a sad thing to exist and we have to fight back

0:35:230:35:27

and you do that by assuming that everybody fancies you

0:35:270:35:32

but is hiding it really well.

0:35:320:35:34

"Oh, is Alan actually gay...

0:35:350:35:37

"..or does he know that I like a challenge?"

0:35:380:35:41

"Does Stephen really like my sister...

0:35:420:35:45

"or did he just marry her to make me jealous?

0:35:450:35:48

"Did Frederick really commit suicide because of depression...

0:35:500:35:54

"..or is he playing a game of chase me, chase me, into the afterlife?"

0:35:580:36:04

Thank you so much. I hope you have an enjoyable rest of the festival.

0:36:040:36:07

It's been a pleasure. My name's Sara. Good night. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:36:070:36:11

Ladies and gentlemen, Sara Pascoe.

0:36:110:36:14

-All right, people, are you ready for your next act?

-CHEERING

0:36:180:36:21

This guy has been on the comedy circuit for years.

0:36:210:36:24

He is such a joy to watch and he is such a joy to hang out with backstage.

0:36:240:36:27

Would you please welcome to the stage Simon Evans!

0:36:270:36:30

CHEERING

0:36:300:36:33

Good evening.

0:36:350:36:37

Good evening. Before I begin, I just want to address my appearance.

0:36:390:36:42

My wife suggested that I start performing wearing glasses.

0:36:420:36:45

She said, "You should wear glasses - it gives you a certain air of Dignit..."

0:36:450:36:48

Er, gravitas. Not Dignitas.

0:36:480:36:51

Well, we'll see how the gig goes.

0:36:540:36:56

Maybe assisted suicide wouldn't seem such a bad option by the end of this. We'll see how we go.

0:36:560:37:01

But also, she said, "You know, it gives you a sort of air - a stern air - which suits you."

0:37:010:37:05

I spent the most on these glasses than I ever have before, knowing that I would wear them on stage,

0:37:050:37:10

and I'm convinced they also give the impression that I'm wearing a false nose.

0:37:100:37:13

That is the case, isn't it?

0:37:140:37:16

I don't mind people knowing my sight is failing but that I appear to be wearing a disguise is ridiculous.

0:37:180:37:23

Anyway, delightful to be here in Edinburgh, one of my favourite cities, genuinely.

0:37:230:37:27

People complain, walking around this place, that the weather is rather too changeable.

0:37:270:37:31

I say to those people, "You should come back in the winter.

0:37:310:37:34

"Not changeable then."

0:37:340:37:36

Relentless.

0:37:370:37:40

I love Edinburgh.

0:37:400:37:41

I was here for an entire week last February and it is relentless

0:37:410:37:44

but it's still a magnificent city. It has extraordinary architecture, amazing views.

0:37:440:37:48

The geology itself thrusts itself into the foreground in Edinburgh

0:37:480:37:51

in a way you very rarely encounter in world-class cities.

0:37:510:37:54

But ultimately, it is about the people, isn't it?

0:37:540:37:56

It is the people of Edinburgh that really let the place down, I feel.

0:37:560:38:00

Seriously, I do understand...

0:38:040:38:06

how in the months of winter it is necessary to drink yourselves into a stupor,

0:38:060:38:10

not merely to withstand the harshness of the climate

0:38:100:38:13

but also in order to vomit copiously on the pavement,

0:38:130:38:16

merely in order to see a bit of greenery for a change. It's an entirely understandable reaction.

0:38:160:38:20

It's no better down south. I live as far south as you can go.

0:38:210:38:24

I live in a little place called Brighton & Hove on the south coast.

0:38:240:38:27

We moved to Brighton & Hove for the kids.

0:38:270:38:30

For the benefit of OUR kids, that is, to make clear.

0:38:300:38:32

We do a lot for our kids. We took them to Florida last year.

0:38:360:38:40

I think this was the ultimate sacrifice I've ever made for any other human being. Two children.

0:38:400:38:45

My wife said to me, "The time is now to take them to Disney World and the parks around Orlando.

0:38:450:38:50

"Edward, the son, is four, just old enough. Matilda is eight.

0:38:500:38:53

"A couple more years, Matilda will be too old - she'll be entering adolescence.

0:38:530:38:57

"She'll become sulky and there'll be lots of shrugging and eye rolling and sarcasm. Take them now.

0:38:570:39:01

"We have this opportunity to give them a lifetime memory that they will never forget - it's now or never."

0:39:010:39:06

And I thought, "Great, so never is an option, right?"

0:39:060:39:09

No, apparently that was rhetorical.

0:39:090:39:12

And so I caved in and we bought a brochure for the parks and we booked a flight.

0:39:130:39:17

And "the parks" is what they know this area as in America.

0:39:170:39:20

It's widely known, it's understood what it refers to.

0:39:200:39:22

America has done very much for the word "parks", as far as I'm concerned,

0:39:220:39:26

as Germany did for the word "camps", to be honest with you.

0:39:260:39:30

A previously innocent expression which I'll never again be able to hear without a shudder of horror.

0:39:300:39:35

But that aside...

0:39:350:39:37

..I honestly thought Disney World would be no worse than visiting a fairground on uncomfortably hot day

0:39:380:39:43

and chucking four grand in a bin on the way out.

0:39:430:39:46

That's what I was braced for.

0:39:490:39:51

In reality, it was far worse than that. It was...

0:39:520:39:55

It was more like five or six grand by the end of it, for a start.

0:39:550:39:59

But also the heat, the jet lag, the confusion, the complexity...

0:39:590:40:03

I was at my wits' end on a regular basis.

0:40:030:40:06

I was about to lose my patience with some furry twit

0:40:060:40:08

who had allowed me to stand in the wrong queue for over an hour

0:40:080:40:12

when I felt a little tug my sleeve and I looked down and it was my four-year-old son

0:40:120:40:17

and he did indeed have tears glistening in his eyes.

0:40:170:40:19

And he looked up at me and he said, "Daddy...

0:40:190:40:21

"this is bollocks."

0:40:210:40:24

I have never been more proud of the boy

0:40:270:40:29

and it was worth every penny to have that confirmed.

0:40:290:40:32

Thank you very much. I hope that's been a rewarding lesson for you all.

0:40:320:40:36

Take care. Good night.

0:40:360:40:38

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:40:380:40:40

Simon Evans!

0:40:420:40:43

All right, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the stage

0:40:460:40:48

one of the up-and-coming stars of the festival, a man you are going to remember for a long time.

0:40:480:40:53

Go wild for Marlon Davis!

0:40:530:40:55

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:40:550:40:58

Hello!

0:41:040:41:05

-AUDIENCE:

-Hello!

0:41:050:41:06

Hey, no-one takes me seriously whatsoever at all.

0:41:060:41:09

LAUGHTER You see what I mean? You lot are starting already.

0:41:090:41:12

You started cos I've got this face.

0:41:120:41:16

Look at you people. It's not funny!

0:41:160:41:19

This isn't the face of authority at all, is it?

0:41:190:41:22

It's not. I couldn't be your boss at work.

0:41:250:41:27

Like, "Why are you late?!" Come on now!

0:41:270:41:29

Got a round face.

0:41:290:41:32

You know what I mean? No-one takes me... Cos I've got this voice, as well.

0:41:320:41:36

It's not a commanding voice at all, is it?

0:41:360:41:39

It's not. You couldn't trust me if you went to war!

0:41:390:41:42

SQUEAKILY: You must fight them on the beaches!

0:41:420:41:45

"What did he say?"

0:41:470:41:49

"You're going to fight them on the..." HE GIGGLES

0:41:490:41:53

I grew up on a council estate. I couldn't rob no-one.

0:41:530:41:56

I tried!

0:41:560:41:58

I was like, "Yo, give me your money."

0:41:590:42:01

He was like, "Come on now. You look like Arnold from Diff'rent Strokes.

0:42:010:42:05

"Come on."

0:42:050:42:07

I'm serious! "Course you are, look at his cheeks."

0:42:070:42:10

This is what happens, man.

0:42:100:42:12

I've been in a relationship as well, for seven years.

0:42:120:42:16

Yeah, I see it like it's impressive, because it is.

0:42:160:42:19

I remember when I met my girlfriend. It was in a nightclub. It was decent.

0:42:200:42:23

Not like this place at all, right, it was decent!

0:42:230:42:26

And I saw her on the other side of the room and I saw her,

0:42:260:42:30

and I've never seen someone so beautiful in my whole entire life.

0:42:300:42:35

And I needed to go over to where she was and go and speak to her.

0:42:350:42:38

So I plucked up the courage and I done that.

0:42:380:42:40

I walked over to where she was and I said, "Hi, what's your name?"

0:42:400:42:43

And she told me what her name was.

0:42:430:42:45

And I told her what my name was, and I said, "Would you like a drink?"

0:42:450:42:48

She said, "I'd love a drink." I said, "Yes, let's go to the bar."

0:42:480:42:51

And as I'm walking over to the bar, I realised

0:42:510:42:54

I only had £3.80 in my pocket.

0:42:540:42:57

And I needed half of that to get on a night bus to go home.

0:42:570:43:00

But I still was prepared to buy this woman a drink and I said,

0:43:000:43:03

"What would you like to drink?" And she said, "I'll have a wine, please."

0:43:030:43:06

I said, "A wine..." That's touch and go.

0:43:060:43:10

I might not be able to get away with this one.

0:43:100:43:12

I said, "OK, bartender, can I get a wine, please?"

0:43:120:43:15

What one would you like? She said, "A red wine." I said, "Cool.

0:43:150:43:18

"Red wine, please." He said, "Medium or large, miss?" She said, "Medium."

0:43:180:43:21

I said, "Good girl, good girl."

0:43:210:43:24

And he went to go and make the drink and as he's making the drink,

0:43:240:43:27

she's saying stuff in my ear, like what star sign am I, and all these other things.

0:43:270:43:31

I'm not listening to nothing she's saying.

0:43:310:43:33

The only thing I'm focused on is how much is that drink going to be.

0:43:330:43:37

When he comes back from the bar and he came back

0:43:370:43:40

and he presented a drink to her and he looked me dead in my eye

0:43:400:43:43

and he said, "Sir, that will be £3.70, please."

0:43:430:43:47

And I thought to myself, "Yeah!"

0:43:470:43:49

And she turned around, she goes, "This is lovely."

0:43:490:43:51

And I said, "You have no idea."

0:43:510:43:53

And I started speaking to her and at the end of the night

0:43:530:43:56

I got her telephone number and we've been together ever since.

0:43:560:44:00

And that's what's happened. And I think to myself, I'm a lucky man.

0:44:000:44:04

Because it could have been different.

0:44:040:44:06

I could have got myself a Snickers earlier on, right? Who knew...

0:44:060:44:09

..not getting a Snickers was a life-changing decision?

0:44:110:44:14

Right there and then.

0:44:140:44:15

But sometimes, I look at her and sometimes I think to myself,

0:44:150:44:20

"I wish the man said £4."

0:44:200:44:22

Cos my life would be so much different right now.

0:44:230:44:27

Cos we argue. We argue all the time. She says I don't listen to her.

0:44:270:44:31

I say, "I'm listening to you right now!

0:44:310:44:33

"What are you talking about? Huh?"

0:44:330:44:35

But she always grabs my attention when she says

0:44:350:44:37

I'm not loving any more.

0:44:370:44:39

Seven years in this relationship,

0:44:390:44:41

I'm not kissing her the same way how I used to kiss her.

0:44:410:44:44

She's telling me that my foreplay is shit.

0:44:440:44:47

I was like, "How could you come out and say that to me, huh?

0:44:480:44:51

"How could you come out and tell me the truth?!"

0:44:510:44:53

And she says, "You know what?

0:44:540:44:56

"If you're not giving me the loving, maybe you're doing it elsewhere.

0:44:560:44:59

"Yes, cos you travel. You go round the country, you meet other women.

0:44:590:45:03

"Maybe you're going out there sleeping with other women."

0:45:030:45:06

I said, "No, I'm not." She says, "Why?"

0:45:060:45:08

I said, "Why would I go out there and disappoint anyone else?"

0:45:080:45:11

APPLAUSE

0:45:120:45:13

Thank you very much, good night!

0:45:130:45:17

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:45:180:45:21

Ladies and gentlemen, Marlon Davis!

0:45:210:45:23

All right, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for your next act. Are you ready?

0:45:250:45:30

Ladies and gentlemen, Mick Ferry!

0:45:300:45:32

Hey!

0:45:360:45:39

Wow. What a beautiful theatre. Edinburgh.

0:45:410:45:44

I feel sorry for the Scottish people at the minute because

0:45:440:45:46

all you're doing is getting English people going,

0:45:460:45:48

"What do you think about independence? What do you think about independence?"

0:45:480:45:52

It must be doing your heads in.

0:45:520:45:53

I don't know what your opinions are, I'm just telling you,

0:45:530:45:56

if you get it, we are building that wall.

0:45:560:45:59

We're not having you sneaking over trying to claim asylum, all right?

0:45:590:46:03

Turning up in Carlisle, going, "I want asylum." "Why?"

0:46:030:46:06

"I just want a normal sausage."

0:46:060:46:09

I tell you who we are sharing, though.

0:46:110:46:13

You're not having Andy Murray back, no way.

0:46:130:46:16

You're not having him, we are sharing him.

0:46:160:46:18

I watched him. In Manchester, there's a big screen.

0:46:180:46:21

We watched him win Wimbledon, it was brilliant.

0:46:210:46:23

Absolutely amazing, and every time they showed David Cameron in the crowd, everybody booed.

0:46:230:46:28

About 4,500 people, it was lovely.

0:46:280:46:29

I am annoyed that everyone says about Andy Murray, he's dour,

0:46:290:46:32

he doesn't smile. You know what he's got?

0:46:320:46:35

He's got the same problem I've got.

0:46:350:46:37

He's got a miserable face.

0:46:370:46:38

There's nothing you can do about that.

0:46:390:46:41

There's a few of you with miserable faces.

0:46:410:46:43

You're smiling now. Just do a normal face. That's miserable.

0:46:450:46:50

It's horrible, it's horrible having a miserable face.

0:46:500:46:52

People always assume something is wrong with you. You get that a lot.

0:46:520:46:56

"You all right?" "Yeah."

0:46:560:46:57

"What's wrong with your face?"

0:46:570:46:59

It's my face. This is me happy.

0:47:030:47:07

This is me sad.

0:47:090:47:11

This is me making love.

0:47:120:47:14

LAUGHTER

0:47:160:47:17

Hey, you just saw my sex face, mate. Not many men have seen that.

0:47:200:47:23

I don't know why I said many men. No man has ever...

0:47:250:47:29

No man has ever seen that.

0:47:290:47:30

That's really embarrassing. That would embarrass...

0:47:320:47:34

My kids will be embarrassed that I'm actually on this. Love it!

0:47:340:47:38

They won't go to the supermarkets with me any more,

0:47:380:47:40

because I'll sing along to records. Loudly and badly.

0:47:400:47:44

And I also like to put stuff in other people's trolleys.

0:47:440:47:47

If you've not done it, it is the best game in the world.

0:47:490:47:52

It's amazing, because...

0:47:540:47:55

it's more amazing because of the British mentality.

0:47:550:47:58

We know what we like, we get to a checkout with a trolley

0:47:580:48:01

with something we know we've not put in there, and rather than

0:48:010:48:06

embarrass ourselves and say, "I didn't put that in,"

0:48:060:48:10

we'll buy it.

0:48:100:48:11

So you can have a family man there with all his kids around him,

0:48:140:48:17

at the checkout going, "Lube... Oh."

0:48:170:48:20

"I didn't... I don't remember putting lube in there."

0:48:280:48:31

"How did lube get in there?"

0:48:330:48:36

"What's it for, Daddy?"

0:48:360:48:38

"Erm, it's for the door hinges, son."

0:48:380:48:40

"Yeah, your mum's been squeaking."

0:48:420:48:44

I'm going to get punched one day for doing that, I know I am.

0:48:470:48:50

I'm going to get punched more often as I get older.

0:48:500:48:52

I've got to that stage where if I see injustice in the world, I get...

0:48:520:48:56

I'm not like Batman...

0:48:560:48:57

I just can't afford that. I wouldn't mind being Batman

0:48:580:49:01

but I'd need to lose a bit of weight.

0:49:010:49:02

But things wind me up. I don't know if anyone else does it.

0:49:020:49:05

If I see a crime being committed... I saw somebody breaking into

0:49:050:49:09

a neighbour's house two years ago, and I started chasing him, this guy.

0:49:090:49:13

This is basically the speed I was at.

0:49:130:49:17

Ten seconds, I was knackered, but also I'm thinking,

0:49:170:49:20

"What am I going to do if I catch him?

0:49:200:49:23

"What am I going to actually do?"

0:49:250:49:27

I genuinely believed if that burglar had stopped and said,

0:49:270:49:30

"Come on then," I would have carried on running past him.

0:49:300:49:33

"I'm out jogging, mate."

0:49:360:49:38

"What, in your pyjamas?" "We all do it different. Don't judge me, pal."

0:49:380:49:42

The one that annoys me more than anything now at the minute

0:49:430:49:46

is when somebody's at the supermarket

0:49:460:49:48

and they park in the mother-and-child bit

0:49:480:49:51

and they've not got a kid.

0:49:510:49:53

It is your duty to question them. It really is.

0:49:530:49:57

It's your duty to question them. These are arseholes. Seriously.

0:49:570:50:01

I do. They get asked, "Where's your kid?"

0:50:010:50:03

"Better be in the boot."

0:50:060:50:08

LAUGHTER

0:50:080:50:11

And I often wonder if that would appease me,

0:50:130:50:16

if they lifted the boot up and there was a kid tied up.

0:50:160:50:18

"Go on, enjoy your shopping."

0:50:180:50:20

Edinburgh, as always, you've been absolutely delightful.

0:50:220:50:24

I've been Mick Ferry, good night, God bless, bye-bye.

0:50:240:50:27

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:50:270:50:29

Ladies and gentlemen, Mick Ferry!

0:50:340:50:36

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:50:360:50:38

Are you ready for your final act of the show?

0:50:390:50:42

Would you please welcome to the stage Lee Nelson!

0:50:440:50:47

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:50:470:50:49

You all right tonight, Scotty-Land?

0:50:560:50:58

Ye-es! I am a little bit gutted, a little bit gutted.

0:51:000:51:04

I've heard you lot want to leave England

0:51:040:51:07

and become a separate country.

0:51:070:51:10

CHEERS

0:51:100:51:11

Oh, no, no, no, man. You are going to regret that when you sober up.

0:51:110:51:16

Are we really a separate country?

0:51:190:51:23

Is you proper separate, different country?

0:51:230:51:26

I mean, I suppose you have got your own currency, innit? The POOND.

0:51:260:51:30

They stick together, man, you're going to run out of money.

0:51:330:51:36

Don't leave us. I know you've got a lot of oil, but you're going

0:51:360:51:38

to run out of that pretty quick, with all the stuff you deep-fry up here.

0:51:380:51:42

I think you're just vexed, I think you're just a little bit annoyed with

0:51:450:51:49

the English because the Scotty-Land people used to be top dog in England.

0:51:490:51:54

And then the Poles came along.

0:51:540:51:56

LAUGHTER

0:52:000:52:03

And the Poles, they drink more

0:52:030:52:06

and they work harder and they speak better English.

0:52:060:52:10

Love you, Scotty-Land, man. Love Andy Murray, legend, in't he?

0:52:190:52:22

MAN CHEERS

0:52:220:52:23

Yes, I get so...

0:52:230:52:25

When I watch Andy Murray on my telly-box, every year,

0:52:250:52:28

I just shout at the screen, "Go on, Andy, mate!

0:52:280:52:32

"Go on, you can do it, mate! You can...

0:52:320:52:35

"smile!"

0:52:350:52:36

It's just banter, innit? That's what makes the UK great.

0:52:390:52:42

We take the mick, but we have a giggle about it, innit?

0:52:420:52:45

In England, we have north-south banter all the time, innit?

0:52:450:52:48

Have we got northerners in the house tonight?

0:52:480:52:50

CHEERS Yeah, few people, a few in the cheap seats right up there.

0:52:500:52:55

It's just banter, innit, north-south banter.

0:52:550:52:57

That's what makes the UK brilliant,

0:52:570:52:59

you try north-south banter in other countries.

0:52:590:53:02

I don't know... Korea?

0:53:020:53:04

With all the different cultures around the world,

0:53:080:53:10

it's interesting, innit? I've just been to America, recently.

0:53:100:53:13

So, yeah, man, have we got American people in the house tonight?

0:53:130:53:17

WOMAN CHEERS

0:53:170:53:19

They can't help themselves, innit? "Mmmm...who-oo!"

0:53:200:53:25

Welcome, sweetie-pie.

0:53:250:53:26

Now, it's a very different culture out there, innit?

0:53:260:53:29

Whereabouts in America are you from? Do you know?

0:53:290:53:32

Totally different culture. Americans just don't get certain things, innit?

0:53:380:53:43

The Americans, they don't understand the link between

0:53:430:53:47

lots and lots of people having guns

0:53:470:53:51

and lots and lots of people getting shot.

0:53:510:53:55

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:54:030:54:05

How are we going to get the message across to you, babe?

0:54:060:54:09

How are we going to explain it to you?

0:54:090:54:11

All right.

0:54:120:54:14

If I was to give you a mobile phone,

0:54:140:54:17

do you think that would make you more likely to make a telephone call?

0:54:170:54:23

To be fair to the Americans, Canadians have got just as many guns

0:54:320:54:35

as the Americans, but Canadians don't kill nearly as many people.

0:54:350:54:40

Now, my theory is Justin Bieber is Canadian,

0:54:400:54:43

and they are all saving their ammo.

0:54:430:54:45

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:54:450:54:46

I say, welcome all the foreign legends, know what I mean,

0:54:530:54:56

because the foreigners love the UK and that makes...

0:54:560:55:00

I'm proud of that, do you know what I mean? It's great.

0:55:000:55:02

The Royal Family, the royal baby, innit? That royal baby.

0:55:020:55:06

That royal baby is the luckiest baby in the whole wide world, innit?

0:55:060:55:09

That baby is going to have everything sorted for the rest of its life.

0:55:090:55:13

That one sperm that flew out of William that night,

0:55:130:55:16

luckiest sperm in the world.

0:55:160:55:18

Can you imagine all the false-hope sperms that flew out of William,

0:55:180:55:21

thinking they were going to be the one, innit? Yeah!

0:55:210:55:24

# I'm going to be the royal baby!

0:55:260:55:29

# I'm going to be the royal baby!

0:55:290:55:33

# I'm going to be the royal... baby... #

0:55:330:55:36

Oh, bollocks!

0:55:370:55:39

I'm in her hair.

0:55:400:55:42

People, I've been Lee Nelson.

0:55:480:55:49

Yous have been the biggest bunch of legends ever, thank you and good night!

0:55:490:55:53

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:55:530:55:55

Lee Nelson!

0:56:000:56:02

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:56:020:56:03

Can we please have a huge round of applause for every act tonight?

0:56:030:56:07

Ladies and gentlemen, it's a pleasure performing at this show,

0:56:070:56:11

thank you for being a part of it, see you next year.

0:56:110:56:13

Good night.

0:56:130:56:14

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0:56:310:56:35

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